Married with Children s10e18 Episode Script

Well, frat bros, tomorrow we leave for spring break in Fort Lauderdale and we show the babes what kind of men we really are.
Hey, come on, guys.
Work with me, all right? This is our big chance to score.
Now, the ratio of girls to guys at spring break is 6-to-1.
That's the same ratio of girls to guys at our college.
We don't score there.
That's because those girls know us already.
See, these girls will be total strangers, and they'll be really drunk.
You are the coolest guy we know.
You have had live sex six times.
You must lead us.
And lead you I will, Achmed.
Okay.
We got plane tickets.
We got hotel reservations.
Have we got protection? - Hummer, what is this? - It's my sister's diaphragm.
You said to bring protection.
I wasn't talking about that kind of protection.
What do we have here? Who goes, "Bud"? Who goes, "Weis"? Who goes, "Er"? You large-breasted girls think you are so smart.
Guess where we're going for spring break.
- Eunuch school? - Gymboree? The petting zoo in your pants? Yeah, you wish.
Hey, we are flying to Fort Lauderdale.
And staying in one very cool hotel room overlooking the beach where large-breasted girls will be arching their backs to make their breasts seem even larger.
We will be thinking of you when we're rubbing oil on large breasts.
Yeah, maybe Hummer's.
At least mine are real.
- Hey, ours are real! - Hey! Hey! Come on, guys.
Let's go down to the basement and plan our babe-scoring strategies.
I'll bring my diaphragm.
Yeah.
Cool, man.
Let's go.
You touch-- Don't even come near me.
No.
This is so unfair.
We should be at spring break, not them.
I mean, we're gorgeous, and they're, like, gargoyles.
How do we get to spring break when everything's booked, and we don't have money? That didn't stop us from going to Vegas.
- Or Monte Carlo.
- Or the Arkansas Governor's Mansion.
I guess that was just me.
Well, we know what we have to do.
We just gotta figure out who we're gonna do it with.
It's your move, Griff.
You know what's really gonna make this game better is when we learn how to play.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Hit me.
You didn't say, "Simon says.
" Quick.
I need something I can wear with a bikini.
Well, that would be me.
Something in black that goes with a bikini.
That would be me.
Miss, I'm not complaining or anything but isn't it a little cold to be wearing a bikini? Oh, it's not for here.
We're going to Fort Lauderdale for spring break.
Help yourselves to shoes, ladies.
We've also got a lot in back.
As do you girls.
- Do you take checks? - Checks, cash, kisses.
Oh, spring break.
It must be a beautiful sight, huh, Al? How would I know? My whole life's been a nuclear winter.
Only way I know it's spring is when the snow melts and I see my garbage on Marcie's lawn.
- Thank you.
Thanks for your help.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you, girls.
- Bye.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
- Thank you.
Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Have a wonderful vacation.
- Bye-bye.
Why haven't we ever been to spring break, Al? Because we, in our infinite wisdom, got married right after high school.
Junior high.
Think of all the things we missed by getting married early.
Yeah.
Chasing women getting drunk and vomiting every night.
Eating Vienna sausages out of the can over the sink, in the dark, in your underwear.
What were we thinking? Your turn to roll the dice.
Gee, Hummer this couch is so small, and your lap is so big.
Is there anyplace on it for little old me? If it's all the same to you, I'll just sit to the right of the mustard.
You know, it's such a shame, us hitting it off like this and you having to go away for a whole week to Fort Lauderdale.
I don't have to go.
Oh, could you move a little bit to the right? I think my Pop Rocks are going off.
Well, we just have one teensy-weensy little problem.
My boyfriend just hates it when I sleep with other guys.
Is that your Pop Rocks again? No, that's me.
Oh, if only I could send my boyfriend away somewhere for a week.
You know, somewhere where there's lots of girls so he won't miss me.
What? Fort Lauderdale, you say? What a wonderful idea.
And you have a ticket.
Okay, meet me here tomorrow at 4:00.
- Yeah.
- And don't tell anyone.
I won't.
It'll be our little secret.
So, Ashley you really wanna spend spring break with me, down in my basement? Nothing turns me on more than a guy who lives in his parents' basement.
I knew it would pay off.
But first I have to get my insanely jealous boyfriend out of town.
- I'll kill that sucker.
- No.
Because if you did, then I'd have to take time away from us to wear black panties to his funeral.
And you know how I hate to wear panties, Bud.
Hey, I have an idea.
Please to be sending your boyfriend to Fort Lauderdale.
He could use $500 for new clothes.
Okay, guys, let's hit it.
Oh, wait a second.
I almost forgot.
You guys go on ahead.
I have to stay back and feed the dog.
You, sir, are a liar.
And I have to go to the bathroom, for a very long time.
Okay, guys I'll level with you.
I'm not going to spring break.
No, I'm gonna stay here with Ashley.
And I'm gonna have more sex with her than anyone has ever had with anyone since the beginning of time.
That's where you're wrong.
Because me and your sister are gonna have more sex and curly fries than anyone ever.
No, no.
Me and Mindy are gonna run up the all-time high score.
You must all leave.
At any minute, Fawn is meeting me here with her large, anxious breasts.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
So we're all getting some right here in town? What are the odds? The girls should be here any minute.
- Any minute now.
- Yeah.
This is the life, huh, girls? How come we never went to spring break before? - Because we never went to college.
- Oh, yeah.
Gracias, Hidalgo.
You know what, girls? The only thing that would make this trip any better is if we could see the looks on the faces of Bud and those dust-heads when they find out where we are.
Any minute now.
Hi, girls.
Say, we're on live TV.
Might wanna put those tops back on.
You might wanna put those bottoms on too.
And you with the glasses you might wanna get off the beach.
You probably recognize me.
I'm Dangerous Dan Inwood.
Rock-TV VJ Dan Inwood.
I was on General Hospital two days last fall.
Zipper mishap.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
You were so funny.
Thanks.
I'm sure you heard that Rock TV and Phi Alpha Delta Fraternity are sponsoring the big Miss Spring-Break Contest.
Well, we're just here from Chicago to have a good time and maybe wreck a home or two.
Well, you girls are from Chicago? We need a contestant from Chicago.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Call it in the air.
- It's a coin.
- You win.
Oh, my God.
Kelly, you're so lucky.
It was right on the tip of my tongue.
Kelly? May I call you Kelly? Good.
I will.
Kelly, this is an exciting opportunity.
Yeah, well, I don't know about this.
See, I consider myself an actress.
I don't know if I could go parading around a bunch of strangers I haven't slept with yet.
First prize is a hundred thou and a car, Kel.
I'm there.
The snow and ice storm that knocked out power over much of Chicago yesterday continues to paralyze the city.
Luckily, schools are closed for spring break and most employees have the day off.
So just about everyone is at home warm and toasty, huddled around a roaring fire.
Throw another clog on the fire, will you? I thought we burned that phone.
No, don't you remember? We tried.
It wouldn't burn.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Peg.
Al, is it cold there? It's as cold as your feet on my back, Peg.
- Where are you? - Oh, I'm in New Orleans at Mardi gras.
It's really warm here.
- Is your dad there, Peg? - Well, how would I know? There's 10,000 people here, and they're all wearing masks.
So the only one who should be isn't.
Goodbye, Peg.
Why is everyone in a warm climate but us? Oh, come on, Al.
Not everybody is.
Hey, guys.
Well, I'm off to spring break in Fort Lauderdale.
Why do you get to go to spring break? Yeah, you're not a college student.
You're not a big-breasted blond.
God knows, you're not married to one.
No, no.
But I do know one when I see one.
Which is why I'm needed in Fort Lauderdale on official frat business.
I'll be judging a beauty contest.
What's Marcie say about that? She said, "Have fun at computer camp.
" I told her I'd be job training.
So if you see her, you'll cover for me, right? Not a chance.
Come on, Al.
This is spring break.
You guys know what that's like, huh? Well, actually, Jefferson, no.
No, we don't know.
Neither one of us has ever been.
This is really, truly sad.
Warm yourself by the fire, Jefferson.
Tell us what it's like.
Well imagine yourselves in a tropical paradise.
The palm trees swaying the trade winds softly caressing the hair of the gorgeous babes bouncing up and down in their micro-bikinis.
An ice-cold brewski in your hand.
And everywhere you look there are nude sunbathers.
And that's before you even leave the airport.
I wish we could go.
Well, what's stopping you? Nothing.
Oh, well, you will need some cash.
We got cash.
We got cash from that sale we made yesterday.
Good thing we didn't change clothes.
Hey, they're not coming.
Then I guess I should take off my condom.
I believe it is the bad weather that is preventing the girls from arriving.
Hey, wake up and smell the Slim Jims, Achmed.
They're not coming.
They never intended to.
It's a woman! Guys.
Guys.
Hey, guys.
Please, back off.
It's only Mrs.
D'Arcy.
Come on.
Boys.
Reminds me of my college days.
What are you doing here? Well, your mother called from a float somewhere on Bourbon Street to ask me to make sure your VCR was set to tape Oprah because you were gonna be in Fort Lauderdale.
But you're not.
What happened? We kind of got taken by some girls.
We're not really sure how.
We gave them our tickets, and now they're not here.
And now, live from Fort Lauderdale, the Spring-Break Dance Marathon.
All proceeds will be donated to CBS to pay Bill Cosby's salary.
- That's our girls! - They're having our fun.
We could be dancing with those guys.
Don't feel too badly.
Girls like that are just cheap one-night stands.
You all should be developing full, trusting relationships, like I have with my Jefferson.
Who even now is away at computer camp trying to better himself.
Mrs.
D'Arcy Road trip! Destination: Fort Lauderdale.
Goal: Swift and terrible revenge.
But it is a blizzard outside, and all the roads are closed.
I drive a Benz, and I'm pissed.
Come, my geeks.
Revenge will be ours!