Married with Children s11e09 Episode Script

Okay, kids, you know what today is? Mom, don't ask Kelly tough questions like that.
I know what today is.
It's the bright sunny part before tonight.
I guess I shouldn't have cleaned her crib with Easy-Off.
Listen, Slow White it's Dad's birthday.
For I'm a jolly good fellow For I'm a jolly good fellow For I'm a jolly good fellow Who never zips up his fly Al, I thought you didn't like birthdays.
Your birthday, Peg.
See, I like getting older, because that means I'm one year closer to death.
And it means I'm one year closer to my successful second husband.
- Stepdaddy, yeah.
- Oh, stepdad, stepdad.
Come on, tell us, Mom.
What's he gonna be like? He's gonna be real cool, right? And I'll have lots of young hot stepsisters? Now, kids, you know the rules.
No talking about Lance until Daddy's on the respirator.
Now, if you're done, I'd like to discuss the three cardinal rules of my birthday.
Leave me alone, leave me alone, no sex.
Gee, Bud, sounds like your prom night.
As much as I appreciate last year's lavish gift, a bar of Irish Spring With instructional video.
I thought it was the perfect gift, Soap-On-A-Dope.
- this year, all I want is to be alone, having breakfast with my loved ones.
- Oh, Daddy, that's so sweet.
- At the Jiggly Room.
Then after work, I'm going to cash in my free birthday coupons.
You're supposed to be under 6 to get this ice cream.
Well, if that was in inches, you could get a double scoop.
Laugh all you want, Peg.
Oh, thanks, Al.
But after sex last night, I'm all laughed out.
Speaking of a pig in a blanket I have an IHOP coupon here I'm not sharing with anybody.
God, old daddy's mean.
Let's make a birthday card for our new daddy, Lance.
All right.
Oh, boy, that Jiggly Room, that serves a good breakfast.
Oh, yeah.
The melons, the muffins, the sticky buns.
Hey.
And the food wasn't bad either.
You guys went to the Jiggly Room for breakfast? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
We brought you back an Egg McBig'Un.
Now, that's a Happy Meal.
Yeah, but now you won't want my gift.
Lunch at the Jiggly Room.
- That's great.
- Yeah, what are we waiting for? - Come on.
It's almost 11:00.
- Let's go.
Where do you think you're going? Aren't you open? Sorry, ma'am, but unlike your mouth, we occasionally close.
I want my money back.
These shoes fell apart after one day and I want to know why.
Well, you see, ma'am, this is a plaid heel with a cork filling.
Whereas you are a giant seal with a pork filling.
You haven't heard the last of this.
What goes around comes around.
Well, considering your orbit, looks like I have about 10 more years.
How does this place stay open? It doesn't.
- Wow, great birthday cake, Mom.
- Oh, thanks, Bud.
I've been slaving over it for hours.
I'm almost done.
So, what did you get Daddy for his birthday? We're gonna tint the windows on the Dodge.
Great, then no one will know we're in the car with him.
And what are you gonna get the man who has nothing? Me, the gift that keeps on buying.
Mom, you get him that every year and every year, he returns it.
Actually, he never even unwraps it.
This year, the birthday boy is gonna take me out to dinner with those stupid coupons he got.
I'm gonna go take a bath.
With the cake? It's a sponge cake.
Lance loves my sense of humour.
Bud, quick, somebody stole Dad's car windows.
Come on.
Come on.
Wild idea here, Kel, but maybe the windows are in the doors.
What idiot would steal the windows and then put them in the doors? God, people call me stupid.
Not just people.
Haven't you seen the way the dog looks at you? And you remember that time your sea monkey spelled "moron"? Man, that was great.
But, Al, you're not 62 years old.
I am when I'm being spanked by a topless birthday clown.
Speaking of spanking, that reminds me.
I got a big date tonight.
Well, take off.
I'm gonna stick around till 3:30 and get my overtime.
Damn, these one-hour days are killing me.
Remember me, Bundy? - No.
- The one you insulted.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
You're gonna have to be a little more specific.
You made fun of my weight.
You called me a giant seal.
Well, let's see.
I had four elephants.
I had a rhino who wanted some flip-flops.
I had a manatee.
No, no, don't remember any seals.
Can you jog my memory? You know what jog is.
That's what you do when the ice cream truck is pulling out.
- That's it.
- What? What did I say? Al Bundy, you are charged with crimes against obesity.
Two, four, six, eight, don't mak e fun of our weight.
Two, four, six, eight, don't mak e fun of our weight.
One, two, three, four, you're gonna fall through the floor.
Okay.
I get it.
The NO MA'AM guys sent you guys over here, didn't they? It's a birthday gag.
One of you is supposed to jump out of a cake but you ate it on the way over, right? Bundy, we are activists.
Oh, I'd say not quite active enough.
It so happens we marched yesterday, shoe schmuck.
In what, the Million Pound March? What, Hams Across America? Joke all you want, Bundy.
We've got all night.
I'd love to invite you all to the Lobster Hut with me but I don't think I have any coupons for krill.
You're not going anywhere.
And just how do you girls propose to stop an all-city fullback? Ladies, I believe we can work this out.
You're not grasping the gravity of the situation, Mr.
Bundy.
Oh, I think gravity has its hands full right now.
We are putting you on trial.
When you are found guilty, you will be punished.
Yeah! Dip him in chocolate! It's my birthday.
I wanna use my coupons.
You should have thought about that before you called me a rhino.
How do you like your flip-flops? They broke.
I'll get you a new pair right now.
He's making a break for it! Hey, how come you get to the read the directions? Because I can.
Now, get in the car.
Kelly.
I know this may be a new experience for you but why don't you try the front seat? Oh, wow, this is so cool.
All these knobs and these buttons and this big wheel.
Does that look a little more familiar now? Oh, yeah.
Just get out of the car, okay? All right.
Now, you put the tint on.
After I roll up the window.
Did I tell you how pretty you look today? No.
Good, then the blood is still reaching my brain.
You're not gonna get away with this, especially not with juror number two leaving a trail of tamale hots from the food court.
Do you want us to gag you? You're already doing that, but I would like to be blindfolded.
We will now hear from our first witness.
My name is Matilda and that man is fatophobic.
- And ugly! - Look at his hair! Order.
- Big Mac.
- Filet-O-fish.
Steamed vegetables.
Okay.
A meatball sandwich.
I'll start tomorrow.
I first came to Gary's about two years ago.
I don't understand it.
I was a size 6 before aerobics class.
All that jumping must have expanded my foot.
Then I see you must have fallen on your butt a time or two.
How dare you to say that to my face? I'd say it behind your back, but my car has only got a half a tank of gas.
What do you say to that, Bundy? Well, I'd say I used heroic restraint, much like the witness's girdle.
For every insult, you lose a free meal.
Oh, come on.
I didn't mean it.
Haven't you ever had something just slip right out of your mouth? I suppose not.
Come on, it's not like I say this stuff all the time.
Are we finished here? Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
I'll tell you what I'll do then.
We'll stand you in front of a mirror.
I'll begin strangling you.
When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you you yell "moo" and I'll stop.
That's it.
I'm taking my business elsewhere.
May I suggest Jenny Craig? With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.
Well, take a gander into the seat next to you if you wanna see what your future looks like.
Come, Penelope.
Let's go some place where they treat us with respect.
Well, try the moon.
You'll weigh less there.
Just a second here, Peg.
Dexter, get the tranquiliser gun.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to tag and release this one.
Come on, Arnold.
We're leaving.
I want a balloon.
You've already got one.
No more.
No more.
I can't take any more.
Feeling bad, aren't you, Mr.
Bundy? My coupons.
You are incorrigible.
All right.
I am ready to announce my verdict.
Now, just a second, Judge Cheeto.
Now, I demand equal time.
Speaking of Equal, you really ought to try some.
I would give you equal time but who would be so loathsome and horrid as to defend you? Oh, Al.
Peg, thank God you're here.
Gee, Al, you really are tortured by your customers.
We are trying to teach this man that his behaviour towards us is unacceptable.
But a better use of time would be to teach each other the words: "No, thank you, I'm full.
" Does he ever stop? Only in bed.
- But he never really gets started so - Peg Peg, tell them about the time I let your mother come live with us.
I'll take care of this.
You can't believe how rude he was to her.
So she's big-boned as well.
You know, inside her, there's a thin woman just dying to get out.
We all say that.
No, there really is.
Last Thanksgiving, she ate my Aunt Edna.
I told her not to stand so close to the pies.
That happens.
I lost a kindergarten class that way.
And I'm on trial.
Okay, now brace yourself.
I'm gonna pull it off on three, okay? Three! All right.
Should we try the blowtorch again? Anything but that again.
All right.
Well, I still think that the razor worked the best.
I don't have any eyebrows left.
Sure you do.
Here you go.
Look, Dad's gonna be home any second.
We gotta get these bubbles out.
Fine.
Good, Bud, nice time for a nap.
Bud? Bud, wake up.
Darn it.
Bad Bud.
Bad Bud.
Mrs.
Bundy, has your husband ever shown any compassion towards large women? Well, he did like that big mom on What's Happening but then, he even made fun of her.
Traitor! Al, I'm under oath.
Oath? You swore on a stack of pancakes.
I've heard enough.
Al Bundy, I find you guilty of excessive cruelty to large women.
You should see what he's like with midgets.
The proper term is "little people.
" Well, that's the proper term for anyone standing next to you.
That's it.
Hey.
That's our dinner coupons, you fat cow.
No, no, no, we don't like to be called fat.
Then stay home.
You go girl.
Let the punishment begin.
Since it's your birthday and you love the Jiggly Room so much we decided to bring the Jiggly Room to you.
But all the wrong things are jiggling.
No, stop.
Stop.
Stop.
I have a confession to make.
I was once overweight.
Yes, it's true.
I was in my early teens.
"Blubber-Butt Bundy," they called me.
They used to stick notes to the back of my husky pants draw mean pictures of me, put a cowbell around my neck.
Kids can be so cruel.
Those were my parents.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I make fun of you because I'm trying to deny my own pain.
Al Bundy, we are dropping all charges against you.
Thank you, my metabolically-challenged chums.
In fact, we are gonna put out the word that Gary's Shoes is a friend to the large.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
It's just nice to realise that we really are no different from each other.
You're right.
We're exactly the same.
You know, the only difference is I stopped eating! Oh, Al, I never knew that about you.
Peg, I lied.
Just like I tell you your hair isn't ridiculous.
I should be furious at you.
But since it's your birthday, let's just go home and I'll tuck you in with some Big 'Uns.
Oh, Peg, my Big 'Uns or yours? Your Big 'Uns, Al.
Thanks, Peg.
Peg, you know, I gotta tell you spending eight hours looking at fat women you don't look half bad.
Oh, honey.
Oh, Al.
Oh, Peg.
Oh, Lance.
How did you replace Dad's window so fast? Jefferson, get out of the tanning bed.
Someone stole the window to my Mercedes.
Happy birthday! Hey, thanks, kids.
Hey, this turned out to be a pretty great birthday after all.