Marry Me (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Pilot

Wow, what a great trip.
Totally So far That was a perfect anniversary.
Thank you.
Hands down the best trip I've ever take.
I cannot believe we have been dating for 6 years, and I'm 32.
I am 32.
Wow.
You don't look a day over early 30's.
You know, you don't meet a lot of couples That just date for 6 years, especially post-30.
Yeah, well, we're a special breed, You know, it's us, it's Goldie and Kurt, And for a little while it was Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, But I think she's dating a ping-pong player now.
Tough titties for Timmy on that one.
Though teetons for Timbo.
Mm Hey, I am pooped, Which is the worst way to say that you're tired, But I said it, so I'm sticking with it.
So I'm gonna go hit the sack, Which is another terrible way to say Wait I mean, just hang back, buddy.
Um, before the trip is officially over, Are you sure there isn't anything else You wanted to maybe, like, ask me or whatever? I'll pop some champagne, or we could sit, Or you could kneel, should that be more comfortable.
Ugh, champagne? I don't know, What are we celebrating, how expensive that trip was? Hey-o! No, I'm exhausted, but you have at that champagne.
Have at, girl.
I can't believe you didn't propose on this trip, Jake! There, I said it.
I said what everyone else has been thinking/asking me For the last five years! Where is the damn skinny girl? Annie, turn around.
You think this is funny? I have been in full hair and makeup for two weeks.
I painted my nails in the unisex bathroom of a Mexican tour bus.
And for what? So my hand looked pretty when we high-fived After you broke your record for most empanadas in a day? What are you waiting for? We're in our 30s, buddy.
If we want to have a kid that's not all jacked up, We better get to stepping.
We don't even live together.
Wait a second.
You're the one who said you didn't want To move in until we got engaged.
I love you, Jake, and I want to be together forever, But do you not love me? Then, please, free me while I still have an egg.
- Give me one egg.
- Annie, of course One egg, and I'll pack my bag, and I'll go.
Of course I love you, okay? Would you just turn around? Did your garbage friend gil get in your head again? Garbage friend? Gil didn't get divorced because "marriage blows.
" He got divorced 'Cause he went on a four-year mozzarella marinara-thon And now probably can't maintain an erection For as long as sex takes.
Your friends are garbage people.
Hey, your best friend always says, "Marriage isn't a good look," whatever that means, And you don't call her a garbage person.
It's a front every girl wants to get married, okay? And Dennah might think that she's super cool now, With her "marriage shmarriage" attitude and her stupid rompers, But there's a storm a-coming, and it's called her early 40s, So she better just switch over to aol tonight, 'Cause she is gonna be that weird, sad, short-haired aunt Who brings a friend to everything.
Oh, my God.
That was hard to follow.
Would you just turn around? It's your mom, isn't it? - Watch yourself.
- She doesn't like me, does she? Guess what, don't like her.
She's an angel walking amongst us.
She's the most negative person on the planet.
- She's been through a lot.
- Of friends.
She's been through a lot of friends 'Cause she's a bitch.
Whoa, time out.
Flag on the play.
I'm a catch, okay? I'm funny.
I do hot yoga a lot, and I didn't even freak out When I caught you masturbating to an Us Weekly Of that surfer girl who got her arm bitten off by a shark.
I will not apologize for that.
Bethany deserves to be treated just like everybody else.
Then why don't you go marry her And have a ton of little one-armed babies together? Oh, my God, turn the around! What? Mm.
Oh.
Yeah.
So, you know Will you marry me? Yes.
I would like that very much.
Wow.
That is that's a beautiful ring.
Okay, everyone.
Come on out.
What? Hey, it's the whole gang.
Gang's all here.
Gil, looking good, not garbage-y at all.
Oh, and my dads are here.
Glad you guys could be here to share in whatever this is.
Hey, Dennah, girl.
I'm loving that romper.
Everybody's here.
Yes, yes.
Well, should we move on to the toasts? Mom, do you want to kick us off? Myrna Mrs.
Schuffman.
Okay.
Too soon to call you mom? [Hom by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros] Oh, home Let me come home Home is wherever I'm with you Oh, home Let me come home Home is when I'm alone with you Home, let me come home I am so sorry about all of this, Taryn.
Thank you for coming.
Dennah, oh, my gosh, Can we just chalk this up to constructive criticism? Fearless feedback, Gil.
I love you.
Dads Aw, sweetie, it's gonna be okay.
Eh.
Cute shoes, though.
Thanks for not trashing us.
Oh, my God, that was honestly the whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
You're leaving too? Uh, yeah.
Jake, I am so sorry.
I love you more than myself, truly.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
But I think I'm just gonna sleep at my place tonight, - If that's okay.
- No.
I love you more than anything.
I just don't want to be in this moment For one more second.
Tough but fair.
It's really tough and really fair.
It's both.
Jake, wait.
Just to clarify, though, we are engaged, or we're not? 'Cause I'd just love to, sort of, Take a victory lap around the Internet.
Cannot joke my way out of this.
Got you.
You know what? No, we're not engaged.
Not yet, because I don't want to tell this story For the next 60 years.
So just just let me propose again in a few days.
You think you can wait a few more days, My my crazy, little maniac? Are you kidding? Can I wait? Yeah, I can wait.
I'm chill, you know? I'm hella chill.
You do it.
You don't do it.
You know, whatever.
But definitely do it, right? Sure.
What's the worst that can happen? Oh, my God.
Wow, I feel so bad for them.
Totally, me too.
Mm.
Question, though.
When Annie was saying that stuff About me not having great erections, You think she actually, like, heard that from somebody, Or is she just guessing based on my recent weight gain And unpredictable crying? Unclear.
But as long as we are chatting, Are pele not feeling my rompers? I mean, you guys can tell me If you don't think this should be my signature look.
Oh, yeah, no.
I don't think that.
You look like a hypersexualized toddler.
Well, congrats.
That was your daughter in there, Kevin.
Oh, so when she gets into NY she's your daughter, Kevin, But when she has a 15-minutes freak-out while we're stuffed In a freestanding wardrobe, she's my daughter? No, I mean, I think we can literally solve the mystery Of which one of our sperms impregnated the surrogate, Because that was classic you in there, Kev-O.
Um, didn't we sort of have a hunch The first time we saw her skin? We agreed that she could just be really light-skinned.
- Let's just call a spade a oh.
- Oh.
It's a figure of speech.
Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than [bleep] perfect - To m - Um, mom? You passed my building, like, three choruses ago.
Pretty, pretty please Oh, no.
Come on.
Ca-caw.
Ca-caw.
Look over here.
You're cute.
I'm Jake.
No big whoop.
Okay, more of a high-five girl.
I get it, okay.
Up top, ring the bell one time.
Help me out here.
My arm's getting cramped up.
Do something.
You know, you really shouldn't eat at that place 'Cause the owners give tons of money to oppose gay marriage, And my dads are gay, so Enjoy your hate nachos.
Wow, I did not know that.
I eat here all the time.
I am sorry.
I love gay people.
I have four gay friends.
Not that I'm collecting or counting them.
Not that they don't count as much As everybody else in this world.
My point is "hi.
" Hi.
- I'm Jake.
- I'm Annie.
- Hi, Annie.
- Hi.
Let me ask you something, Annie.
Do you think our relationship can recover, Knowing that I eat at a homophobic taqueria? - It's not great.
- It's not great, right? It's just not not a great start.
- Is there any way to recover? - Here you go.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, there must be some sort of mix-up.
This is not mine.
What do you mean, Annie? That's your usual.
Family-sized nachos, extra meat, double the beans What are you doing? Oh, your punch card.
Looks like next time's on the casa.
Wow, so you're, like, a horrible person.
Oh, yeah.
I thought that was clear.
No, from over there, you seemed like a very sweet person.
But now that you've really delved in Well, now that I see - The full picture - The full picture, right? - Yeah, I'm the worst.
- It's horrible, yeah.
Congratulations! Ooh.
Kay, what are you doing here? Sorry, I missed the cue to come out, And then you guys were fighting, And then you were sobbing uncontrollably.
I mean, there never really was a great window, But don't worry, I did not pee in your hamper.
Thanks? Oh, I was bad, kay.
I gotta figure out how to fix this.
Ooh, I'm so sorry, Annie.
I did pee in it.
Ugh, I'm sweating like Shaq.
Wow, Dennah.
That's a textbook dandayamana Textbook.
Annie, great determination.
Thank you.
I wish he'd just say I'm bad at yoga.
It'd be way less embarrassing Than listening to him search for a compliment for me every week.
I'm loving the sweatpants, Annie.
Way to not give in to trends.
Wait, so let me get this straight.
You're not engaged? Ugh, I waited for this for 32 years, And had I waited, like, 32 more seconds This is just like that time I was so excited to get a hamster, I literally pet it to death.
You told me he ran away.
His soul ran away.
I thought we were just gonna go see a movie.
If I knew we were going shopping, I would've taken a shower, brushed my teeth, And refused to go shopping.
Hey-o! Look, I gotta get some new clothes.
What Annie said really hit me.
I'm a 34-year-old, divorced hair plug salesman With sleep apnea and a body like a bag of ground beef.
I gotta make some changes quick.
Which reminds me, you want to go on a hike later? A hike? You're winded from that monologue.
Ooh, now, see? Look, this is a shirt.
Whoa, why is there a tiny pocket Between the shoulder blades? It's, like, unreachable.
What do you put in that thing? I don't know, Seinfeld.
How about whatever I want? Pennies for a wishing well, A hot girl's cocaine, a little ice cream tasting spoon You travel with your own ice cream tasting spoon? When I'm on an ice cream crawl.
Oh, that's fair.
Jake's not even answering his phone.
I mean, I can't wait around for him to propose again.
I have to do something splashy To make everybody forget this ever happened.
I my body doesn't go with these places.
Come on, you've got to help me fix this.
Oh, I'd love to help, But I'm super slammed.
I'm switching to aol because I'm gonna be A sad, short-haired aunt, remember? I'm really sorry, okay? You know I love you the most.
It's cool.
You pretty much nailed me.
- Dead to rights.
- Tip to tail.
Whoo, you're gonna be alone forever.
Too far.
Hey, too far.
Thank you.
Annie, if that's your blue camry out front, Really great parking job.
Thank you.
Well, look, you dodged a bullet, man.
Marriage blows.
And hey, the best part is, we're both single again For the first time since college.
We can go out tanging together every night, my dude.
Me and Annie didn't break up.
I love her, okay? And the last thing I want to do is go tanging.
I hated casual sex.
The second it was over, all I could think was, "Oh, you're pregnant, and I have HPV.
" Who doesn't? Am I right? I don't.
Do you? I assume I do.
They say 60% to 70% of the population has it.
You assume you do? There's no stigma on it anymore.
You don't even have to tell people.
Of course you have to tell people about it.
Nobody told me about it.
What if I pulled the goalie, just got pregnant? Yes, everyone would be so happy for you, - They'd forget everything.
- Exactly.
But then I'm stuck with a baby, though.
Where am I putting that thing? Ew.
Ugh, what we really need is a time machine.
Totally.
Although I don't think my proposal Would be our first stop with a time machine.
- We'd have to - Both: Save Princess Di.
Oh, I miss her every day.
Every single day.
So pretty.
Wait, I've got it.
I should propose to Jake.
Like, super romantic think about it.
Then that will become our official proposal story.
Okay, but doesn't you proposing Kind of go against everything you've ever wanted? Life is full of compromises.
For instance, my shoes: Designer.
- My shampoo: For horses.
- That's disgusting.
My hair's coarse and very thick.
- Dennah, great workout today.
- Thank you.
Annie, thanks for mopping up all your sweat.
Thank you.
Annie, what are you doing at my place of employment? May I have your attention, please? Oh.
- Hi, Jake.
- Holy [Bleep].
And hello, Jake's coworkers.
You may remember me from last year's company picnic As the girl who broke her leg and the legs Of your colleague Daniel during the three-legged race.
Hi, Daniel.
Hi, Annie.
But that is not what brings me here today.
Jake, I am so, so sorry.
Can we please just pretend Like the last few days didn't happen Like we just landed from that amazing week in Mexico? I am throwing us An awesome do-over engagement party tonight.
Well, not any of you.
Sorry.
But first, I want to do over the proposal Here? And make it perfect like you deserve, 'Cause you're perfect, And, well, I love you.
What is this? I don't know who put that there.
I don't you want me to No, no, I want to do it myself.
Got it? - Jake - Annie.
Will you marry me? Yes, okay, yes.
Okay? That was very nice.
- We're engaged! - That's very nice of you.
Just for now, shh please.
- He said yes.
- I said yes.
Uh, not to kill the mood here, But did she just say you guys were in Mexico last week? 'Cause you told me you were in the hospital In agony over whether or not to pull the plug on your dad.
What's that, now? Not gonna sugarcoat it.
That was bad.
Why would you bring up Mexico? I told you specifically that I lied to my boss.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
I guess I just I got caught up in the moment.
You're always caught up in the moment.
You're perpetually caught up in every single moment.
Why does everything have to be such a huge production with you? It's like dating a drag queen.
Well, it's not my fault, okay? I mean, have you met my dads? Hey! They named me after a musical! So I guess we're just Gonna take separate cars to the engagement party? Oh, no.
You okay? Not really, no.
I'm supposed to be at my engagement party right now, But we keep getting into these huge fights, And I don't even know If we're technically engaged at this point.
Why does everything have to be so hard? Like, is it a sign or something? No, I meant, "you okay?" As in, "is there anything else I can get you?" Like water.
Oh, maybe a little bit more guac.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All: babe I got you, babe I got you, babe You are flat, babe Uh, you've been flat your whole life, babe Ah, screw you, gil.
I wish you ever would, Kassie.
I got a punxsutawney Phil in my shorts.
Is it gonna be a long winter? I don't know! He never gets out! Oh, I cannot believe you told These idiots about our sex life! I want a divorce, Kassie, for real this time.
That was horrifying.
This next song goes out to Jake.
I will always love you.
Wait, just to clarify, the song is I will always love you.
I wasn't saying, "I love you," 'cause neither of us Has said it yet even though we've been together a year.
Not that I care, though, because I am, like, Totally cool with whatever.
And to be clear, though, I don't not love you.
I just I wasn't gonna say it till you did.
So technically, and, you guys, back me up here, I did not say it.
Should I have picked a different song? - I think so.
- Okay, okay, okay.
The thing with my life is that Okay, no, calm down, calm down.
I will always love you too.
And I Will always love you I Will always love you Check, please.
Check, please.
No, I'm not doing a bit.
I literally mean it.
I'm not saying, like, "check, please.
" I mean check, please.
Annie, Annie.
- I am so sorry that I'm not - No, Jake, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, good.
Well, then I guess we're okay, then? Totally.
But while I do have you on the phone, You don't think that any of those botched proposals Or huge fights are, like, a sign That we're not supposed to be together or anything, do you? No, no.
Are you kidding me? Nah, I don't believe in signs.
Right, okay.
You know what? Stay where you are.
I am coming to you.
Awesome.
Wait, how do you know where I am, though? Oh, you're at our engagement party, right? No.
You're not there either? Then where are you? You okay? - Check, please.
- Okay.
Annie, turn around.
Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, Jake, this is so crazy.
- This is nuts.
We're nuts.
- This is so crazy, Jake.
- Jake, I really am so sorry.
- No.
For some reason, I always just, like, explode my life.
But that is why I need you.
Without you, I would spin off into space Like Sandra Bullock in Gravity.
But you keep me grounded, like Sandra Bullock in real life.
She always seems so approachable, - You know what I mean? Like - Well, I mean, it's just her and her son.
You know what? I need your explosions.
You you challenge me.
You're like my little, exploding Challenger.
Oh, no, that's not a good turn of phrase.
No, R.
I.
P.
To the whole crew up there.
Okay, Annie, I thought about everything, And I waited too long to propose, Just like I waited too long to tell you that I loved you, Even though I loved you the moment I saw you.
Aw, I actually thought You were a dick the moment I saw you.
- Super hurtful.
- But after that, I loved you, And now, I could not love another human more.
- Come on.
- I couldn't.
Hey.
- Wait, wait.
- What? This is a sign, though, the fact that we're both here.
This is a sign that we're supposed to be together.
Yes, we literally cannot get away from each other.
We're like Paula Deen and the n-word.
But thank God, though, because that first sign, The one that clearly stated We should not be together, was giving me serious pause.
Yeah, no, it was a devil of a sign, I mean, as obvious as you can get, But this sign trumps that sign.
So I say "no," to that first sign, And "hello," with open arms "Hey, what's up?" - To the other sign, right? - Yes, yes.
You know what, screw this.
I'm gonna propose to you right now.
- What? - That's what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna propose.
Annie, will you marry me? - Yes.
- Yeah? Yes, yes! - Ooh, whoa.
- Hey, wait a second.
If we're here both of us Then who's at the party? Unbelievable.
I mean, I have other things going on besides celebrating This engagement for a week straight.
Me too.
Well, not really, but I still think it is pretty rude.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, we're here.
Don't go.
Don't go.
We're here.
We're here, and we are engaged for real, And it was spectacular, so - Yeah, yeah! - Yeah.
Now let's head inside for a toast.
- Let's do it.
- Whoo! Yes, let's drink, my God.
You know, why don't we all take a break From rejoicing in your love? Let's save a little for the wedding, Which should be a real treat.
Can't wait to get my eyes on that, - If this bitch is even invited.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Myrna? Myrna.
Sorry, myrna, this is just And I turned that into a hug.
Look, I am so sorry.
I never had a mom, okay? I am the product of an egg from a lesbian My dads no longer speak to And one of their sperms.
We'll never know which one.
- It's very clear.
- There's just no way to know.
And that's what's so beautiful.
The point is, I think you are great.
You are who I would want to be my mom if I could pick, And I only insulted you because the easiest way To hurt a guy is to go after his mom, And that's how I fight beast mode.
I wanted to hurt Jake.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, I respect the strategy.
It's how I always used to fight with don.
Granted, we ended up bitterly divorced, And then he died.
But I regret nothing, so Aw, thank you.
Thank you.
Ah, my sweet Gil, I am so sorry.
I don't think you're a garbage person.
Thank you, because I feel like I'm not, And also, I felt like we were friends.
But then you said that, and I was like, "Am I?" And, "Are we?" You're not, and we are.
Oh, mm.
Hey, thank you.
All right, so who would like to go upstairs and get a drink? Not as a celebration of our engagement in any way Whatsoever, just a drink amongst family and friends.
Super low-key, no presh No, I mean, 'cause it is not about us tonight.
- Oh God, shut up.
-Yes You got it.
Wow, okay, tough talk.
That's my daughter.
No, that's my daughter.
No, that's my daughter.
I'm sorry.
I thought we were all just gonna start saying, "That's my daughter.
" - Why would everyone say that? - I love you