Marry Me (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Stand By Me

- Ugh, organic food sucks.
- Come on, dude.
Remember what Dr.
Ralsky said? You got to turn things around and get on a healthier path.
Wait, Jake.
How do you know what Gil’s doctor said? Do you go to the doctor with Gil? He just likes having somebody there with him.
I get freaked out at the doc, so I don't always hear what he says.
Like when I thought he was telling me that I was having a huge growth spurt.
Yeah, he actually said, "you have a huge growth, sport.
" Ah, here we go.
All right.
Let's go get you some fruits and veggies for this juicer, buddy.
Fine, but I really prefer my fruits rolled up by the foot or in loop form.
So the way Jake takes care of Gil Too much or sweet? I can't tell.
What do you mean? Sweet, right? Mm.
I'll catch up with you guys.
I need meat.
Whoa, I don't think so.
You told me not to let you near Linda the butcher since your torrid affair ended.
Resisting the obvious meat metaphors, she really butchered your heart out.
Damn it.
Seriously though.
You were severely depressed for a very long time.
- It wasn't that bad.
- Come on, girl.
- Leave it alone.
- You know what? You're right, Dennah.
Thank you.
- 69.
- No! - Lock it down, woman.
- Hey! - Where's your dignity? - Come on.
Wow, Gil, your neighborhood's really gotten a ton nicer since they put in this organic grocery store.
Yeah, it feels like they can almost stop calling it "little Detroit.
" What can I say? People seem to really like the improvements.
I'm not one of those people.
Tree trimmers come at, like, 6:00 A.
And go to town right outside my window.
What? It's illegal to start that early.
Not to mention it's a full two hours before you wake up, smoke a bowl, and go back to bed for six hours.
- I know.
- You know what? Next time they come, call me.
I'll take care of everything.
Now, let's go unpack your groceries, and I'll fix your tax return so the IRS stops thinking you're a farm.
They think he's a farm.
Isn't that weird? Come on.
Thank you.
Okay to cross? Yeah, we're good.
Yeah, okay, so maybe it's too much.
- Maybe.
- It's a lot.
Oh, no can't hold me back Oh, it's crazy.
Gil is so reliant on Jake.
It is super not good for him.
Since the divorce, it's gotten totally out of control.
When you guys get married and have kids in a couple years, who knows who Gil will turn to for help.
Some scam artist? - A child predator? - A full-grown predator? I bet Jake doesn't even realize he's doing it.
Like how he whistles while he eats or casually militarizes all our furniture.
Hello, lieutenant couch.
He does that? Oh, what's up, my lady, and my lady's ladies? Jake, have a seat.
At ease, corporal.
- Wow, he does do that.
- Yup.
All right, what did I do? So we think you're taking way too much care of Gil, and it's not healthy for him.
- Yeah, we do.
- Thoughts? Well, my first thought is, "what?" And my second thought is, "get out of town.
" - You get out of town.
- I will not get out of town.
I will die here.
Not unless I die here first.
Well, if you die here, then I'm moving to Alaska, and I'm gonna marry an Eskimo.
Are you gonna have babies with her? Yeah, I'm gonna have an igloo full, and they're all gonna be named Annie.
- You're gonna be cold.
- Yeah, well, I'm gonna get hot when I think of you.
Guys, focus on Jake and Gil’s weirdness, - not your weirdness.
- Yes.
- Sorry.
- Sorry about that.
Look, Gil doesn't need me anymore than anybody's buddy needs anybody else's buddy.
The point is, is if Gil was here right now Which why would he be he would tell you the same exact thing.
Oh, Jake, thank god.
I need help.
I tried to make juice, but I couldn't assemble the machine.
So I stopped at calamari Jack's and went berserk on a Fisherman's dream bucket, but I lost my wallet.
So can you swing by and pay my tab for me? And also, can you call a locksmith? 'Cause my keys were attached to my wallet.
Yeah, I I see your point.
So here are your new keys, and here's your new wallet, and maybe in the future, don't attach the thing that you lose the most to the thing that you lose the second most.
- That's smart.
- Yeah.
You know, I should write that down.
Where is my pen? You know what? It's attached to my inhaler and passport.
Look, Gil, we need to talk.
Hey, before you start all that, let me just start by saying thank you.
Thank you to you, Jake.
I don't say it enough.
- I love you.
- Oh, wow.
Guys don't say that to each other, and they should.
I love you too, man.
Um listen, there's been some chatter in the community that our relationship is I don't know.
People have been throwing things around like, I've been taking too much care of you, or you're too dependent on me, and Wait, what? Th-that's that's cray.
Is it cray, though? I mean, you haven't really been doing anything since Cassie left you, and maybe it's because I've been doing it for you, you know? I'm basically the new Cassie except I don't have sex with you.
Which would make you exactly like the old Cassie.
But look at this apartment, man.
I mean, it's a honking mess.
You got clothes on the floor.
There's dishes in the sink.
You got dishes in your clothes.
I mean, how did this even happen? Cassie kept all the furniture.
So go out and get new furniture.
Okay, yeah.
Let's go buy some.
Next time, start with that.
No, no, no.
You need to do that for you.
You need to start taking care of yourself like a normal adult.
- Normal adult? - Yes.
Is that your final answer, Reg? Well, that Reg wouldn't say, "is that your final answer, Reg?" He would say, "is that your final answer?" He would say it if the contestant's name were also Reg.
Yes, but that's very specific.
When would he like, how often does that happen? That's not what you meant.
You know, I only let you help me because it seems like you need it.
Face it, Jake.
You're obsessed with me.
Wha I'm obsessed? Are you - Yeah.
- Okay, you know what? - Yeah.
I just think we need to take a step back.
- Oh, you do? - Yes.
Well, I think we need to take two steps back.
How about 2 million? 'Cause I don't want to speak to you no more.
Wow, you're a real piece of work.
Yeah, well, you're a real piece of what I work to push out of my bottom.
That was clever and hurtful.
Oh, hey, babe.
- Hey, snake.
- Snake? - Jake the snake.
- Hey, I'll take that.
How'd it go with Gil? Honestly, I don't think he took it too well.
I mean, I don't think we've ever had a fight before.
I'm sure everything will be fine.
Gil always does this.
He gets really mad, and then he's over it.
Remember how mad he got when America's funniest home vides didn't include him in their nut shot montage? Two days later, he was right back out in the yard Kicking himself in the nuts again.
- How does he even do it? - I think you guys were right.
This definitely needed to happen.
For sure.
And honestly, I think the reason Gil’s so upset is that deep down, he knows he needs to be more independent.
I need help.
Please, please, please.
I can't do anything for myself.
My bills are all overdue.
My dry cleaning is somewhere.
I can't even put together the juicer Jake got me.
Now my produce has turned.
Dude, take it one step at a time.
Start with the juicer.
It says "minimal assembly required.
" - It should be easy.
- Yeah.
But I've screwed up everything I ever tried to build Like that shelf, a healthy marriage I'm sorry, buddy, but the answer is no.
Trust us.
It's for your own good.
Well, things can't get any worse than this.
Okay, that's actually a little better.
That chair was pretty uncomfortable.
So I got to figure out who I am without Gil.
I mean, I knew who Jake and Gil were, and I knew who Gil and Jake were, and I knew who Jake, Gil, and Mary were Our folk trio in college.
We had somewhat of a regional hit with major sweater, minor corduroy.
So will Annie be back any time soon? Because I really just stopped by to return her casserole dish.
- Thank god.
- Hey, dad.
Oh, you brought my dish back.
- How did the lasagna turn out? - Uh, pretty good.
We came in second place at the Mr.
gay lasagna.
Oh, no.
Did Lorenzo win again? Ours was tastier, but his was much gayer.
Anyways, Jake and I have just been discussing his problems with Gil at length.
So if you're ready to jump in, I'd be happy to tag out.
Okay, sweetie.
Jake, I think you're taking this whole thing with Gil way too hard.
You know, he'll come back around.
I've seen the way he looks at you.
I guess I just don't know what to do with myself.
Like, today, Gil and I would normally go to the violent movie theater and watch a rare print of lady ninjas 4: That time of the month to kill.
Well, what time's it playing? My dad would love to go - No.
- But can't.
- Oh.
- Look.
This is a good thing, okay? You'll have more free time.
That's great.
Having free time is the best.
I mean, that's why I wake up two hours early every morning and sit on the stairs.
You just sit on the stairs, huh? - Yeah.
- You know, there's a lot of stuff that I've been meaning to do that I haven't had time for.
That's the spirit.
I mean, maybe you and my dad could No.
He's he's so busy.
Is he? Okay, just jump off the cliff.
Here we go.
Yes! Yes! Score one for the Gil-meister! What are you looking at, bills? You're next.
Ugh, I really hate this new birth control patch.
I feel bloated to a level that can only be described as Val Kilmer-Ian.
When I switched, I had blurred vision and day terrors, but I stuck with it 'cause my skin looks so damn good.
Yeah, you are glowing.
Really? That butcher? I thought we agreed you were gonna delete her from your phone.
Kay, she tried to buy a horse with your credit card.
No, she didn't try to buy a horse with my credit card.
She succeeded.
Delete the butcher's number.
What if I have a beef-based emergency or a chicken situation? - It's for your own good, girl.
- Girl.
- Girl.
- Girl.
- Girl.
- My girls.
Hey, hon.
What are you doing here? Well, you said I should do Jake, and Jake wants to do brunch with the ladies.
- Oh.
- All right.
So what's the dish? What's the dish? Dish it to me.
Come on.
Okay, well I'm sorry.
Just hold that thought.
Would you mind if we switched seats? I just have a thing about having my back to the door.
- It's weird, but it's real.
- Seriously? You know what? Never mind, don't move.
- I'll move.
I'll move.
- What? - What are you - Excuse me.
- Ow.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know what it is? You watch the godfather 36 times, you start to develop these fears.
Ah, so much better.
Look at that.
I can see everybody.
If somebody comes in with a gun, I'll still get shot, but I'll see it coming.
All right, come on, let's get into it.
Let's hear it.
I'm just one of the gals.
- O Kay.
- Okay.
Well, I guess we were just discussing how my birth control patch makes me Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, no.
No, we're eating.
We're eating, right? So read the room.
Let's Know your audience, lady.
Um Kay, flow.
Let it flow.
Well, we were also debating whether or not I should delete the number of that butcher I used to sip on.
- The butcher? - Yes.
Well, you should definitely not delete that number.
I mean, she's hot as hell, right? - Jake, she is crazy.
- Yeah, exactly.
I mean, crazy girls are the most explosive lovers.
Annie, can I get a what-what on that one? - Ew! - Your man has a point.
She really knew how to jiggle my gelatin.
Well, Jake, you know what? This has been really fun having you hang with us, but the three of us have to head to our yoga class, so rats.
Just rats! Or no rats because I signed up for the yoga class too.
Hey, girls' day out.
So Jake joining us for brunch and yoga do we think this is a one-time thing or more of a continuous burden? I'm sure it's just until he patches things up with Gil, which will be soon.
Hey, guys.
This is gonna be great, you know? I've been looking for some new hobbies now that Gil and I are completely done for basically ever.
Wait, done? What do you mean "done"? Have you not talked at all? Nope.
And I'm at peace with it, you know? I am good.
Good, good, good.
Guys, we may have a bigger problem here.
This is the longest Jake and Gil have gone without talking.
Maybe in trying to fix Gil, we broke Jake and Gil.
Yeah, but our plan is kind of working.
I mean, Gil’s making real progress.
Have you seen his instagram? He is making a lot of juice.
And using Instagram.
His user name is his social security number, but, yeah, for Gil, no, this is super impressive.
Maybe we should just give it a few more days.
I mean, it's Jake and Gil.
They're gonna be fine, right? I think you're right, honestly.
Watch your kicks, man.
- Oh, sorry.
- Blew my braid back.
Hey, what if I have to pee? Or is there an intermission? You know what? Actually, don't worry about it.
I'm just nervous, I think.
don't worry.
Just follow me.
I'm sort of the star of the class.
My picture's on the front page of the studio's website.
Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, everyone, let's quiet the minds.
Hey, what's up, coach? Jake.
New student here, so take it easy on me.
Okay, Jake.
And now let's go into downward dog.
If anyone needs any help, you may ask myself or my best and most beautiful student, Dennah.
- Hi, it's me.
- Hi, you.
I want you to know that I do privates, and you can interpret that any way you want.
Well, how about we interpret it together? Are you even a real yoga teacher? - Shh, Franny, please.
- It's Annie.
Uh, a little help? I accidentally fell upside down.
You accidentally slipped into a textbook crow pose.
Here's what I want you to do.
Slowly lower your legs.
Lower my all right.
Okay, like this? I'm sorry.
I've never done yoga before.
You're not supposed to talk in here.
Dennah, please.
No talking in here.
I've actually never seen this pose executed in a non-yurt setting.
May I please take your photograph for the front page of the website? - No problem.
- Okay.
We got to get Jake and Gil back together right now.
Oh, boy.
Now I've done it.
Guys, this goes against everything I believe about yoga, but give it up for Jake.
I'll go get Gil, and I'll meet you guys at the grocery store.
Thank you.
Hey, yoga is stupid fun! Wow, guys, thank you so much for letting me tag along to yoga.
Yeah, awesome.
Loved it.
Who knew I would be such a natural, you know? I mean, I'm like Robert Redford in that movie.
- The natural? - Yeah.
Of course the natural.
What other movie would it be? I mean, I literally said the word "natural.
" Whoa, what a strange and unusual coincidence, Gil.
Oh, my go look who it is.
It's Jake and the gang.
Well, hello, Gilbert.
That side part new? Actually, yes, it is.
It's a classic visual cue to let people know that I'm now doing well, much like this Eric Stonestreet limited edition button down.
Speaking of visual cues, feast your eyes on my new yoga gear.
I mean, could anything more clearly indicate my new-found spiritual health? Om.
I wonder what's changed in my life recently.
Well, while we're all wondering - Yeah? - Why don't we all check out the array of healthy items that I have in my cart.
I also pay my bills now and have an active knowledge of where my dry cleaning is at all times.
Wow, really, really interesting stuff from both parties.
Why don't you guys get a beer, and just continue the convo, you know? "This is what I've been up to," and if it sort of inches towards a kiss, well, then, you know, it does, and I don't need to know.
No, I don't think we're gonna kiss, thank you.
We're both doing gangbusters without each other, so we should probably just leave it that way.
Agree to agree.
Annie, there might be one kiss when Jake kisses my big, brown butt.
Peace be upon you.
Oh, and also upon you.
All upon you.
- Okay.
- Namaste.
Now, nama-go.
- That's fine.
- Thank you.
- I'll see you later.
- I don't think we will.
- Ugh! - Ehh! - Jake, wait.
- You know what? I can't deal with all this bad energy right now.
I am coming off my worst yoga class of the season, and I got to just I just got to I got to just Ah.
Do y'all even have other numbers? Hey, where you been, girl? Well, you left me alone with Linda the butcher, so I went home with 4 pounds of top sirloin and 110 pounds of sexual fury.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
And our relationship is toxic.
Toxic to the tune of she robbed me.
- Again? - Yes! Why'd you leave me, Dennah? I had to find another yoga class since Jake ruined the first one.
And seriously, girl, where is your willpower? - You are my willpower.
- Whoa, guys.
Guys, look at us, okay? We didn't just screw up Jake and Gil’s friendship.
We screwed up the entire "Annie, Jake, Kay, Dennah, Gil" dynamic.
It's like the bees.
Is that some sort of slang way of saying it's the worst? No, bitch.
I have a degree in environmental science from Stanford.
Make one small change in an ecosystem, and it causes a ripple effect that changes everything.
Oh, I learned about that on real time with Bill Maher.
Thomas Friedman thinks it's happening, but Nicki Minaj disagrees.
We never should've played god.
What are we supposed to do now? The only thing we can do.
We play god again to undo our original god playing.
We need Gil to need Jake again.
Yeah, but what does Gil need help with? - Apparently nothing these days.
- Okay.
Well, he's super into building things right now.
What if we found something really difficult for him to build? - Ikea.
- A bomb.
I mean, yeah, Ikea.
Ooh, they have an odda with an adjustable gangjarn.
- What? - It's an armoire with adjustable gangjarn.
According to this customer review, the building process was "needlessly infuriating.
" Perfect.
So when Gil crashes and burns, he'll have no one to turn to but Jake.
Guys, I want to apologize for the bomb thing.
I was just trying to think of stuff that's hard to build, you know? I should've said, "a healthy relationship" or "Ikea," which turned out to be the right answer.
Thank you for apologizing, 'cause it was really weird.
"Dear Gil.
We're so proud of you.
"Please enjoy this armoire.
Love, Annie, Dennah, and Kay.
" Tch! Aw.
I could really use an armoire, and I've always wanted adjustable gangjarn.
I got the eye of the tiger a fighter dancing through the fire 'cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar Now, to share you with the world.
No! - I don't believe it.
- Hmm? What? What? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I have another wet dream? I need to stop watching Golden Girls before we go to bed.
He built the armoire.
- I can't believe it.
- What? Hey, he's actually doing stuff.
I'm so proud of our little meatball.
- Then call him.
- No.
I mean, if this isn't proof I was holding him back, then I don't know what is.
He's better off without me.
He's not better off without you.
He's just better off not relying entirely on you.
- Hey, it's Gil.
- Answer it.
- Answer it.
Answer it.
- Okay.
- Hello? - Can I help you? - Can you you called me.
- Listen, bro.
We can sit around here all day debating who called me.
Not a debate.
You called me.
Or we can get together and talk like men.
All right, yeah.
Okay, how about this afternoon? Now is great.
It's 6:00 in the morning, but Yeah.
So come meet me at fifth and a maple.
Fifth and maple don't intersect.
Oh, fifth and a maple.
Yeah, I get it.
How did you even get up there? Well, the tree trimmers were doing their thing at 6:00 A.
, so I confronted them.
They quickly surrounded me, and then I ran up the ladder to get away.
But they outsmarted me by removing it.
Shocking how much your life resembles cartoons.
Need some help? Yeah, I'd like that.
You got it.
Go, daddy.
Hey, little buddy.
What's up? - Oh, you know, just hanging.
- Ah.
Listen, I'm sorry for how I've been acting.
You were only looking out for me.
Yeah, but I'm sorry, you know? I was probably a little bit harsh.
God, it's always the same old story with me.
One step forwards, two steps stuck in a tree.
Yeah, but you're doing better, buddy.
I mean, the house is all cleaned up.
Your shirts and your pots are all stored separately.
You done did good.
- Thanks.
- All right.
Oh, you.
Can you get me out of here? Now, this is a very special juice for me.
I call it "the Jake.
" Oh, thanks, buddy.
- After Jake Gyllenhaal.
- Ah.
He lives on this stuff.
It is so good to see you two back together.
We never should've meddled.
Or let me throw out one other option.
Did we sort of knock it out of the park? 'Cause I think we did.
We kind of did.
Gil is killing it.
This place looks awesome.
Seriously, when did this happen? Well, high on the success of my armoire assembly, I decided to just keep riding that wave all the way into building a new dinette set.
SoThanks to you guys.
We should play god more often.
We're like three beautiful Oprahs - perfectly dressed - On a budget.
impeccably fragranced, and so beautifully Oh! - Oh my god! Seriously? - That really hurt So there were a lot of extra screws