Marry Me (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Test Me

Ugh, I am so tired of buying gifts for Libby and what's-his-name's baby.
That thing's had more showers than Gil.
Because I take baths.
Sitting in the shower is not a bath.
Ooh, should we get them this creepy Teddy bear nanny cam that my ex used to have in his bathroom I'm just realizing? I already got this for them for their first shower or was that the third? Which one had the make your own soup? Well, they're just super psyched about this baby 'cause it took them a while to conceive, which is ironic considering what's-his-name is a fertility doctor.
Don't get high on your own supply.
In this instance, he's getting high on embryos? I didn't think it through.
$18 for training nips? Why do we keep going to these people's stuff and buying 'em stuff? - We don't even like 'em, right? - Nope.
- Can't stand 'em.
- I borderline hate them.
Why don't we just stop being friends with them? Well, actually, we can't do that yet because - Tell them.
- We have an appointment with doctor what's-his-name this week because Jake and I are getting our junk tested.
We have decided to start thinking about talking about Being prepared for a time in the future when we may want to consider starting to talk about having kids.
Yup.
That's the language we landed on.
- Congratulations.
- Wow.
Yeah, you know, I mean, we're both north of 30.
don't have to define that any further.
- I don't want to.
- And getting an appointment with doctor what's-his-name just seemed like a good precaution for when we are ready, so that kid'll conceive up real nice.
Yeah, and don't worry, guys.
I will give you a full report on my man chowder next week.
Well, I sincerely hope it's not Manhattan.
- Guys, I also have huge news.
- Oh.
I'm getting a new driver's license.
- Oh.
- Yeah, can't tell you how important this photo is, gang.
So what do you think? Down with beachy waves or more of, like, a classy up-do? Whoa, what the hell is that on your neck? What do you mean? Oh, my god.
What is that? It's definitely something.
I mean, it could be nothing, but that kind of nothing is usually something.
You should get it checked out.
Really? I'm sort of in between insurances.
At the shower, why don't you have doctor what's-his-name take a look at it? Yes, perfect.
He'll probably tell me that it's nothing.
I know we all keep throwing around "what's his name", but what is his name? Ooh, Dr.
Berman.
- What's his first name? - I want to say Henry.
So wait, none of you know his name either? I didn't catch it at first, and then I felt bad.
So I've just been going heavy with the "doctor", and "doc", and "dock, dock, who's there? It's you, 'cause you're a doctor.
" And here we are 11 months later, - and I got nothing.
- Wait a second.
It's mark.
No, Steve.
Or Steve? Steve.
Glen.
Maybe.
Ben or Barn.
- Is it Barn? - No.
Is it-could it be Bourne? I don't think it's Barn.
Marf? Is his name Marl? Ooh, ah.
Is there a world where his name could be Resident? I'm kidding, of course.
"Resident.
" Dr.
Resident Berman? Hey! Jake, Annie, Dennah, Kay, Gil.
- The good doctor.
- Doc Hollywood.
Doctor Jekyll and Mrs.
Hyde.
Paging Dr.
gorgeous.
Doctor's in the house doctor's in the hou-wow-wow-se doctor's in the house doctor's in the house You got some mail.
Yeah.
Oh, no, hey! Can't hold me back can't hold me back from you - And this is the nursery.
- Oh, neat.
You guys are really leaning into the owl theme.
Owl sheets, owl humidifier.
Taxidermied owl staring menacingly from that branch.
- Ah.
- Well, this was the owl room before we got pregnant, and we were just like, "hey, if it ain't broke" Well, that tracks.
Oh, Annie, will you help me cut the owl cake? Whooooo wouldn't want to help with that? Sorry, that was really stupid.
No, I love comedy.
- She really does.
- Mm.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? What? It's after 1:00.
You got a sperm test coming up tomorrow, man.
Those little guys can't swim under the influence.
They're not Michael Phelps.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that.
Alcohol can seriously affect your numbers.
You drink a lot? Ah, one to two beers two to three times a night.
Ooh, I'm really glad you're coming in.
If there's a problem, it's best to find out as soon as possible.
Wait, what do you mean, a problem? Oh, standard unusable semen stuff.
People are always so worried about the woman's eggs, but most of the problems I've seen, they've been on the guy's side.
I blame the whole cell phone in the pants thing.
- Well, that and weed.
- Oh, boy.
Not to mention poor diet, high testicular temperature, lack of exercise.
Do you work out? Yes.
Yes, I do.
I ride a bike.
And do you wear the proper spandex shorts? Of course.
- Ugh.
- Oof.
Again.
Tight pants and bike seats just are a recipe for a semen funeral.
I mean, seriously, picture, like, a mass grave of semen.
I don't want to do that.
I'm sorry! I'm freaking you out.
A little bit.
I'm freaking you out.
I'm sorry.
Libby says I've got the worst bedside manner.
She's right.
Listen, the important thing is whatever happens with the results, you're gonna be fine as long as you don't blame each other.
But I mean, you guys communicate really well, I can tell.
Listen, I will see you tomorrow.
In the meantime, do yourself a favor.
No yanky the tanky.
Okay, thanky.
You need a full load.
Oh, hey, honey bun.
Mwah.
You should see what Dennah got us.
- Oh, yeah? - It's a bath towel.
However, when worn correctly, it gives the impression that our baby is an owl.
Ah! What will they think up next? Hey, Dr.
Berman.
Please, that's my mom's name.
Call me Dr.
Berman.
Quickie doctor question for ya.
I got this skin thing on my neck, and I'm gonna stop you right there.
I'm a reproductive specialist, and rarely are reproductive problems located on the neck.
Not to mention I'm about five bellinis deep right now, so I'm Oh, well, I'm sure it's probably nothing anyway.
I wouldn't be so sure.
Some nothings are actually something.
I would definitely get it checked out.
Hey, bellini lady.
Oh, me too.
Hey.
Okay, doctor what's-his-name just pointed at me from across the room and said, "I can't wait to get a look under your hood.
" - What? - And I'm gonna say I'm gonna say what everybody else is thinking.
That baby looks like a pile of wet wash cloths with beady eyes.
Yeah, it's like, "honey, I shrunk the don Rickles.
" Totally.
Let's just take this fertility test, and never hang out with them again.
Yes, totally, absolutely.
After Tuesday, it's like, "see you later, weirdos.
" Yeah, you mean Monday.
Tomorrow.
Yeah.
Wait, what? Tomorrow? No, my tomorrow's packed.
I can't do I can't do it tomorrow.
I'm I swear you told me Tuesday.
No, it's always been Monday.
Huh, that's so weird.
Isn't that weird? Well, we'll have to reschedule.
That's fine.
Oh, but wait, we're about to hit Autumn, and you know my autumns.
- They're packed.
- Wait, Jake, it's so hard to get an appointment with this guy.
What do you have tomorrow that's so important? I'm out of town, you know? I-I need to take my mom's car To Detroit.
What? Wait, what is happening? Like, two minutes ago, I left you here.
You were really excited about taking the test, and now, you're No, I'm super excited.
I just can't do it tomorrow, and I'm gonna own that, you know? And honestly, I'm stick to my stomach about it.
I am sick to my stomach.
I could just vomit into this crib, and there's a version here where you don't even have to be angry at me because I am so angry at myself right now.
I'm like, "ah, Jake, why you gotta be such a so-and-so and this and that," you know? And I hear you loud and clear, and message received, and, like, "bad, Jake.
What's the how just start writing things down.
" That's the thing, I think, you know? Just get a put things in a Google doc.
What? Tonight, at 11:00, the world's deadliest sniper finally breaks his silencer.
Oh, my god.
The news has been so good lately.
Yeah.
Annie, what's wrong? Jake's acting weird, and not his usual shame-eat-a-lean-cuisine in-the-middle-of-the-night- then-hide-the-plastic-tray in-the-bathroom-garbage-weird.
Like, weird, weird.
Yeah, 'cause that first one was totally normal weird.
Well, we were in the nursery, and he seemed excited about this fertility stuff, like, taking the next step.
But then I leave for two minutes, and when I came back, he said he's busy the day of the appointment.
Well, maybe the baby shower made him think about kids, and that freaked him out.
I think doctor what's-his-name said something to him, and I wish I could figure out what it was because then I could fix my guy.
Well, baby girl, why don't you just look at the footage? What do you mean? What footage? If he was in the nursery, then so is the creepy nanny cam I gave him two showers ago.
Yes.
Oh, my god, yes.
Instant replay like on sports.
Here, call Libby.
- Hello? - Libby, libbster, liberace.
Hey, girl, it's Annie.
I just wanted to say we had the best time today.
It was a real hoot, and, yeah, pun intended.
Annie, you using that owl pun means the world to me.
Aww, any whoooo, seriously, somebody stop me.
- Stop.
- All right.
Well, sister to sister, do you ever feel like emotionally your man is clamming up, and you don't know why? Oh, been there city.
Me every day.
You know, one time Yeah, totally.
The thing is I think the answer to my problem might be found on your nanny cam.
Any chance I could get my peepers on that old thing? Of course! You know what's funny? We are gonna watch the nanny cam ourselves after dinner.
We just want to see everyone's great candid reactions to the owl nursery.
So I'll be sure to pay special attention to the Jake scenes.
Cool, cool.
Talk to you later, liberace.
Get your damn purse.
What's happening? They're about to watch that tape.
- We got to go now.
- Why? I may have said some terrible things about her and her baby and her husband, and Jake may have called her baby don Rickles, and as I'm saying that aloud, I realize I should've piled on with don wrinkles.
So you're saying if someone spit out a bad bite of steak tartare into a baby blanket and stuffed it behind an owl themed dresser, that would also be on that tape? Of course that's what I'm saying.
- Then let's go get the tape.
- One gumball for the road.
- We don't have time! - For the road! No! Okay, so I did some research, and I found out a bunch of ways to up my sperm count.
Just want to be on record I don't love having a public in-depth about your sperm, but I'll do it because I owe you from that time we had a public in-depth about my sperm.
Thanks.
It should be pretty easy.
Just have to stop drinking, then hang upside down every morning for about a half an hour, eat 11 avocados a day, switch to boxer shorts despite the unsightly boxer lines, and then just act like I'm busy for eight months to a year until I can pad my stats sufficiently.
Sounds reasonable.
Barkeep, can I have another bag of ice for my balls, please? Thank you.
Buddy, if you're worried about your sperm count, why not just go to the appointment where they'll let you know if you should be worried about your sperm count? Be on my side, bro.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my bodega lady has promised to practice santeria on my genitals.
Do you approve of that? Sure? Oh, my neck thing still hasn't gone away.
I yelped the dermatologist what's-his-name suggested.
He's, like, 3 1/2 money signs.
What am I, made out of money signs? Let me tell you.
My uncle, Jim didn't get something checked out once.
Two weeks later, we buried him.
To be fair, the thing he didn't get checked was his oil, and we were burying him in sand up to his chin on a family trip to St.
Thomas.
So he's all right? Sadly, no.
He did pass away soon after.
- Cancerous mole.
- Oh, god.
Yeah, he was driving his beloved pet mole to chemo and he got in a huge car wreck and died.
Long story short, he should've gotten his oil checked, and you need to pony up and get that thing checked.
Oh, no.
- Ring the doorbell! - I've been to a house before! - Just - You ring it! - Hey, hey.
- Hey.
Did you guys watch the nanny cam video yet? - Uh no.
- No, not yet.
- We brought raw toast.
- It's just bread.
May we come in? You are so sweet.
So I'm sorry, what are you guys doing here? You guys are new parents, and you're so busy.
We just wanted to bring you some food.
- Oh.
- Bread for us? Okay, I'll be honest.
We have an ulterior motive.
We just had to get one more glance at that sweet pea, - cutie Booty back there.
- Aww.
- I understand.
- So why don't you all get up on that toast while we go peep that thing.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh! It's right there, it's right there.
Hey.
Oh! You guys are coming too.
Well, hey, more the merrier.
Annie, why don't I hold your backpack while you do one of your famous blessings on the baby.
I'm wearing this backpack because we just came from some light camping.
They didn't ask us any questions.
Well, sometimes, I think it's good to explain.
Okay, so one of my famous blessings.
There's so many.
It's like, which one, you know? I'm like, "I could do that one" or "I could do that one.
" Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need both the parents to step over here facing me, of course.
- Aww.
- Isn't he adorable? Okay, now please close your eyes.
Keep 'em closed.
Libby, I'm watching you.
Okay, I will now lay hands on the child to bless it, not strike it.
Dear lord, hey, what's up? Hey, hey, lord.
Lord beeth with us as we calleth upon thee to bless-eth this-eth baby.
Lord lord please be with this child and his mother and his mother's milk.
Milk, lemonade, around the corner, fudge is made.
Yes, yes, yes.
Lord, if you see something, say something.
Oh! Baby, baby.
What a cute baby.
Ooh, baby, baby.
Ooh, cutie baby.
Ooh, baby, baby.
You pushed it.
You pushed it real good.
All right, I think that's enough, guys.
We have to leave at some point.
But amen and hallelujah.
Amen - amen - amen - in the water - amen on the mountain, on the mountain in the water We're Jewish.
Everyone's always worried about the woman's eggs, but most of the problems I've seen, they've been on the guy's side.
I blame the whole cell phone in the pants thing.
Oh, no.
That's what happened.
What's-his-name scared my little jakey, and now he thinks he's not gonna be able to have kids.
Aw, sweet baby's scared his glue don't stick.
And that's what he didn't want to tell me.
Oh, my god.
You just need to talk to your maybe baby daddy.
I do.
And is it just me or do we look really good in this grainy footage? Oh, my god, so good.
You should make a sex tape.
Absolutely.
- I should direct it.
- No, thank you.
- Hello? - Oh, Gil? Where is Jake? I don't know.
Gil, I know you know.
Actually, you don't know I know.
You can't possibly know what I know or don't know.
Okay, please, look, it's really important.
Jake's upset, and I finally figured out why.
Fine, but you can never tell him I told you.
We did not have this conversation.
Of course.
He's right here.
Hey, get that semen zapper away from my girls, man.
- It's Annie.
- What, Annie? - She's on the phone.
- I don't want Take the phone! It's your fiancee.
Ow! Ah, ah, ah.
- You okay? - Get away from me! Hey, Annie.
I'm sorry, babe, I can't hear you.
Mom just rolled down a window.
Okay, honey, please come home.
Ah, I wish I could, but I'm halfway to Detroit.
Do you want me to pick you up anything? Property? Look, I saw the nanny cam footage, and you do not have to go to that doctor's appointment.
Just please come home.
Wow, that's a deep crotched pant.
I feel like a webbed toe.
Oh, babe, come here.
Babe, I know you're scared your junk might be junky, but I'm scared too.
I mean, what if it's me that can't have kids? What if I find out it's just tumbleweeds down there? It seems like more of a grooming issue, but Yeah, I mean, I could use just a general scale back down there.
There is a lot going on, but I like it.
Honestly, there's more a chance that I'm the problem, anyways.
Well, that would be my fault too.
I mean, the only reason we're in this hypothetical mess is because I waited so long to start thinking about talking about being prepared for a time when we may want to get engaged.
So if either of us can't have kids, it's probably because of me.
What? Jake, no, we're engaged now.
If there's a problem, then it's our problem, and we'll figure it out together, right? Right.
I'm sorry I've been acting so weird lately.
I mean, what can I say? It's my testicles.
I wish you could see them the way I see them.
I wish I could too.
So how sorry are you? - I'm very, very, very sorry.
- Very sorry.
- Yeah, really sorry.
- Yeah? Then why don't you whip it out and make it up to me? Done and done.
- Hello.
- Hi, sir.
We're here to see Dr.
Berman.
- Dr.
B.
- Well, great.
Which Dr.
Berman? - Which doc - There's a few.
Oh, come on! Which doctor - Okay, directory.
- Wow.
- Lots of bermans.
- Wow, wow, wow.
- Todd Berman, Berman podiatry.
- Babe, we know it's not that.
No, it can't be that.
Sherry Berman.
- Mike, Mike Berman.
- Mike Berman.
It's totally Mike.
It sounds so right.
I swear I said "Mike" at some point.
- You did.
- I did.
- You did.
- Michael.
Yeah, Dr.
Michael Berman.
Hello.
- I'll be with you in a second.
- Okay.
What are you here for? Here to give a sample.
Got to get my boys checked out.
Well, cups are in the restroom.
Leave it on the counter when you're done.
Thank you.
- Well, wish me luck.
- Good luck.
Yeah, I need a little inspiration.
Get out of here, buddy.
You're on your own in there.
- Just one little shot.
- No.
- Please? - All right.
- Yeah, okay.
Let's go.
- All right.
Ooh.
- I'm gonna use that.
- Okay.
All right, let's go.
All right, Tyler, get the seat.
Time for the doctor, kids.
Uh-oh.
This is a pediatrician's office.
Jake? Jake.
Jake, please open the door.
Oh, the guy's got an amazing physique for a piano teacher.
Jake, please open the door.
Jake, please open the door.
Please - Ma'am! Oh, don't worry.
Kids lock themselves in there all the time.
No.
Jake, open the door.
Thank you, thank you.
No.
We're all set.
We're all set.
Uh, pardon me.
- Oh ha ha! - Jake! - Please listen to me - Hey, little buddy.
Oh, occupied! Occupied! Why is there a clown in here? - Wow.
- Wow is right.
Why did you take your shoes off? I like to get comfy, and I'm riddled with shame.
Hey! Hey, doctor, you.
The one and only Jake and Annie.
There you guys are.
You're late.
There you are, one of the many Dr.
bermans in this building alone.
I know, it's crazy, yes.
There's, like, a dozen of us.
Annie, Jake, doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
Wait, what are you guys doing here? Well, Dennah needs to get her death neck checked out.
Obviously, we're all on pins and needles.
Sold two of my bags and my favorite air Jordans, but I got to put my health first.
I'm kind of scared.
That's what you were talking about yesterday? - Yeah.
- Hmm.
Uh I'm pretty sure that is just dirt, yeah.
- What? - No.
- Dirt? - Uh-huh.
I don't accept that, and I won't allow it.
Classic Dennah Freaking out about nothing.
You're the one who made me freak out.
Damn it, Gil.
Not for nothing girl, but you should shower more.
I shower a lot.
Showering is my favorite, but I'm using this new organic soap-free body wash.
It's basically just spring water and yam zest.
I should probably switch back to a bar of soap.
You probably should, considering you almost got a biopsy on schmutz.
I got to see if I can buy my air Jordans back from Kay.
I'm sorry, Dennah, wait up.
I said I was sorry! So this is big.
You guys ready to do this? Yes, we're ready.
Can't wait.
Here we are.
- Jake, Jake.
- Of course, Jake Berman.
What? Jake.
Jake Berman.
Hey, Jake, Jake.
I'm sorry, have you not known my name all this time? Yeah, no.
Uh No, what's the right answer? Wow, guys.
Does that mean the appointment is off? Wow.