Marry Me (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Spoil Me

Babe, I'm home.
Let's watch this damn show.
I can't believe I made it a whole week without spoilers.
Full radio silence, full media blackout.
Ugh, I know.
Do you know how many emails I've had to ignore? Sorry, amex fraud prevention.
Did I spend six grand at a Zara in Lisbon? We'll get to the bottom of that after the season finale of The moors! - Yes! - Ha, the moors! Oh, man.
You were so right - about having a show together.
- Right? I mean, it cannot be overstated how much a television program about social hierarchy and sexual atrocities in 19th century England has elevated our love.
I'm loving how much you're loving this, and you used to watch your violent shows.
You had your romantic goopy-gop.
But with the moors, we finally found a genre that's perfect for both of us.
Romantic violence.
The passion, the pageantry.
- Ah, the stabbing, the nudity.
- Oh, the nudity.
You know, I heard that entertainment weekly's latest review is just a link to banana Republic so people can replace the pants they crapped.
Oh.
Uh-oh, looks like someone got into our post-show chocolate covered pretzels.
Wasn't me.
Well, it wasn't me.
Okay, babe.
Hey, to one hell of a season.
It sucks that it's almost over.
And to one hell of a life together, because it's just getting started.
- Oh.
- I love you, Annie.
I love you too.
Mwah.
All right, the moors.
What the hell? Recently watched? You watched "the moors" finale without me? No, no, I didn't watch it.
You must've watched it.
I can't believe you watched our show.
No, no, no, no.
And I kind of feel like you're accusing me because you watched it.
Okay, we're in a genuine bind here because I'm me, and I know that me, Annie, Annie, I did not watch it.
Okay, "me Annie.
" Me Jake knows what me Jake does at all times, and me Jake did not watch the moors.
One of us is lying, and unlike your little chocolate pretzel pig out - Didn't touch 'em.
- I'm not letting this one go.
Neither am I.
Million dollar listing? - Fine.
- Fine! We could find the house that we really wanted.
Our budget is - Oh, no - hey can't hold me back can't hold me back from you Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.
What was your favorite part of the moors finale? How 'bout every damn second of it? - Guys - When lord Musgrave overheard father Thomas overhearing Rupert the second overhearing Pippa Popplewell talking to herself in the fog on the bog? Their fog budget must be insane.
Guys, we have not watched it.
Uh, actually, Annie watched it, but she won't admit it.
What? No, Jake watched it, but he won't admit it.
Oh, not true! Kids, what is happening? When we went to watch it last night, the DVR said Recently watched.
Betrayal! Having a show together is a sacred contract wherein you vow to wait for each other.
- Thank you.
- Like how lady Drood waited her entire life for sir Royston Munt to return from sea.
And when he finally did, they made love for three straight days.
Before she lit him on fire.
- Stop! Not listening! - La la la la la la la la! - Not listening.
Ah! - Sorry, sorry.
The point is, your father and I have had shows together forever and we have never, ever broken that bond.
- Thank you.
- Or, you know, it could be one of those relationship things that's just better off forgetting about, like the time I caught Kevin masturbating to Lincoln.
Spielberg's Lincoln? McConaughey's Lincoln.
- Lawyer? - Car commercial.
Gross, gross, gross.
But we've all been there.
All night, all night, all night.
Wait, isn't it possible that the watcher was one of your friends? They all have keys to your place.
Yes! Yes, totally! There's your answer right there.
Mystery solved.
They're always meddling in our affairs.
That's gotta be it.
All right, end of "discush," - "hallelu"! - Halleluj-a-guy in ten days.
Halleluj-ual suspects.
Halle-the mirror has two faces-uj.
Doesn't work for every movie.
Yentl-uj? Moors- themed foggy happy hour! $3 shots of virgin's blood! Ugh, I'm so glad this season of the moors is finally over.
It's everywhere, and quite frankly, I hate it.
Disagreed.
I'm all in.
I love being part of cultural conversations.
Wardrobe malfunctions, hanging chads, gangnam style.
I'm still into that one.
Oh, no, a ticket? Pigs! What the Freeze! I should warn you, I'm armed With boobs.
This girl's gonna get us all killed.
Well, then, be prepared to get frisked with hands.
Do you think we're all gonna get kisses? It's cool, guys.
This is my new steady, Gary thick, Chicago pd.
We were just on our way to talk some idiot off the ledge at the Wrigley building, but I couldn't resist a classic abuse of power bit.
The other day, he took me to the evidence room, told me I could pick out anything I wanted.
So what'd you get? - Really high.
- Yeah.
Whoa.
Parking ticket? I don't think so, not if you're thick's chick.
Babe, so long as we're doing stuff below the belt, consider yourself above the law.
Awesome.
Gary, we should really get to that jumper.
Hey, everybody, this is my partner, detective Matata.
Please, call me Laguna.
Sorry, your name's Laguna Matata? You making fun of my name, civilian? What? No, no, no, no.
Hey no worries.
You're funny In a gun-wielding authority-figure kind of way.
Well, you're funny in a expendable human-shield kind of way.
Ooh, be right back.
Yo, she is into you, my nincompoop.
Oh, she's just being nice.
- Gary, there's a - All right, just give me a second.
All right.
Let's go save that jumper.
- He's dead.
- Let's go get a hot dog.
So, good news we are no longer at war over who watched the moors.
Oh, thank god.
When I thought Jake watched it, I was like, "do I even know this man?" And I was like, "is this the monster that I've chosen to fill with babies?" Yes! But now that we know it's one of you, you know, 'eryting is irie, man.
Wait, one of us? Wasn't me.
Wah TV like everyone else On my phone, in traffic, weeks after its And it definitely wasn't me.
The only thing I hate more than the moors is more moors, the post-moors talk show hosted by Jay Mohr.
Look, I use your place for plenty of things Let's keep it vague.
Mid-city pooping Ugh.
But watching TV is not one of them.
And why would we lie about it? But if you guys didn't watch it I knew it was you! Guys, listen, Gary has a polygraph machine, and it works.
He used it on me to find out if I really loved his John Krasinski tattoo.
He has a tattoo of Mr.
Emily blunt? On a horse.
Okay, but seriously, are you guys really gonna go lie detector on each other? I've got nothing to hide.
Well, I've got "nothinger" to hide.
Call Gary.
Let's get it on.
Yeah, give Gary a ring.
Yeah.
Call Gary.
Gil I'm super busted.
- What? - I'm saying I'm super busted.
You watched the show? You watched the moors without Annie? It was an accident! So I'm in sports authority, and you know how they're doing their crossbow cross promotion with the moors? Well aware.
I'm saving up.
So they're showing it on every screen, man.
I everywhere I'm turning, the moors, you know? I'm only human, I got sucked in.
It's the moors, baby.
What am I gonna do? There's no way I'm gonna pass that lie detector test.
So tell the truth.
It's just a TV show.
No, Gil, it's about trust.
I didn't watch it on our TV, which means she definitely did.
She's lying to me.
But you are also technically lying.
Yes, yes, yes, of course I'm lying, but she doesn't know that I'm lying, which makes her lie even worse.
Okay, so if you're so sure she's lying, then all you got to do is make her take the lie detector first.
Of course.
She fails game over.
Wait, now that I know you've seen it, can we take two seconds and download about the finale? I mean, that horse! What was that horse thinking? Okay, who's ready to get their polygraph on? Oh, you ready? Okay, great.
Uh, liars first.
Oh, I'm sorry, ladies first.
Oh, my gosh, honey, after you.
Let's Well, no, I'm a gentleman.
I'm an honest gentleman.
Oh, you can both go at the same time.
We brought Polly and Jonathan.
Polly is what we call our polygraph machine.
Jonathan is what we call our second polygraph machine.
And Gary's what we call our sex machine.
Oh, two, great, all right.
Well, we can get to the bottom of this quicker, right? I want to know the truth.
You can't handle the truth.
Well, I can Okay, let's go, bitch boy.
Okay.
Okay, well, you guys have fun.
Bye, Gil.
I'm just going to walk myself to my car alone.
Okay, bye.
Hey, take care.
Drive home safe.
Lot of maniacs out there.
Yo, that hot lady dick is way into you.
- That's very graphic.
- Oh, come on.
Have you been on one date since Cassie? Go, ask her out.
Can you please stop pressuring me? Gil, it's time.
Trust me, once you get some balls, the bitches will come running.
It's like my grandmother used to say, "once you get some balls, the bitches will come running.
" She was a dog trainer.
Still a crazy thing to say.
Laguna? Laguna matata.
Look, I'm gonna ask you something, and you're gonna say no I'd love to go out with you.
None taken.
I get it.
You smell like flowers, I smell like ranch.
Not cool ranch, either, horse ranch.
Gil, we're going out.
Call me.
My number's 911.
I'm a little ticklish.
All right, you sure you want to do this, Annie? Because once the noise has been brought, it cannot be unbrought.
Oh, bring the noise, and honestly, bring the funk as well, because I am looking forward to this.
And, she is telling the truth.
About the funk as well? Especially about the funk.
But we should ask a few more questions to make sure it's calibrated, so please state your full names.
Annie Evita Fletcher.
Jacob Herbert Schuffman.
True.
- Favorite food? - Cheese fries, duh.
Caesar salad dressing.
True.
Very true, by the way.
Do you approve of my dating choices? - Of course.
- Thank you, girl.
And we are calibrated.
That was a lie.
What? Oh But we do believe you'll find love one day.
Another lie.
We're hot, people.
- Tough evening for Dennah.
- Okay, Annie, as long as we're here, am I the best lover you've ever had? Am I the biggest? Have you ever cheated in your heart? Have you ever cheated in your mind? Have you ever actually voted And I'm not talking about for the color of an M&M or American idol.
This is really sad.
Yes, yes by an inch, no to that cheating run, and yes, I voted for the black guy In Buzzfeed's "who's your favorite happy endings character" poll.
Wow, all true.
She's on the level.
Okay, enough, enough let's get to the main event here.
Did you watch the moors? Oh, that was fast.
Right out of the gate.
Okay, sure, fine.
You ready? No.
And dancing needle.
He's lying like a Spaniard.
Oh! Wait, hold on a second.
Let me be clear here, okay? I've watched all four seasons.
We've watched all four seasons of it, okay, so you need to be a little bit more specific, babe.
Did you watch the finale? Yes the first two seasons, and the entire third season, which many people think is a 13-part season finale.
- True.
- Next? Did you watch the season four finale of the moors on our dvr? No, Annie, I did not.
He's not lying.
- What? - Wow.
He's sweating like a big lady on a small plane, but he's not lying.
Well, now my hands are clean, so before we go any further, let me urge the liar, whomever she may be, to come clean and avoid a public humiliation.
Let's dance.
Did you, Annie, dare to have the audacity to watch the moors finale, without me, in our very home, under my very nose? No.
She is telling a - I knew it.
- Truth.
- Yes! - Oh! - Whoo! - That was misleading.
You know what? She's lying.
Come on, people can beat this things, right, Gary? Yeah, people can beat these things, people that lack empathy, like psychopaths or serial killers, or hamburglars.
- Oh, my god.
- Is that what you think I am? You think I'm just some heartless liar? don't don't answer.
don't.
- Answer me.
- Answer her.
- don't.
- Okay.
The question is, do I think that you're a heartless liar like the hamburglar? No.
Uh, inconclusive.
You are unbelievable.
You know what, I need a I'm just Easy with the That's high tech gear.
This Catalina pizza chicken is gross.
It's like, all bad bites.
But I am loving this being-above-the-law-thing.
Jeez, D.
Dennah It's cool, above the law.
I'll bring 'em back later.
No, I won't.
Dennah, you can't just take those.
What? Watch out! Hey, what's wrong with you? Damn, D, you just littered, stole, and jaywalked without breaking stride.
Gil, you're gonna love dating a cop.
Dating? We haven't even gone out yet.
And honestly, I'm so nervous, I may just fake my own death.
Oh, Gil, lord love you, but you can't just go faking your own death through life.
Why don't we make it a group hang? That'll take the pressure off.
Thanks, guys.
You know, despite what I always say and think, you're really good friends.
Aw.
Aw, I'd do anything for you, buddy.
Just don't screw this up, because I am loving these perks.
Keep a-walking, sister.
Coming home from work 'cause I need that jerk Chicken that I got in the fridge but as long as I'm here I might as well Actually, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Jakey time.
- Ahh! - Ahh! What the hell are you I mean, you're always welcome in our home, sir.
But like, what's up, Kev? - Um - Wait a second.
The chocolate pretzels, the dvr It was you! You were watching the moors.
That's why, at brunch, you were, like, telling us all, "let it go, let it go.
" Because it was you all along.
What? No, Jake, you are as delusional as old viceroy Grimmelsby.
Yeah, well, that guy's syphilis had him all out of sorts, but the point is, is it was you, Kevin.
All right.
Come on, man, it's the moors! Look, I usually watch it on my secret iPad, but I broke that while stargazing.
Listen, you cannot tell Kevin about this.
If he knew that I watched the show without him, it would break his heart.
Afr all that talk.
I can't believe you.
That is cold, brotha! Oh, I immediately regret both the wording I used there and the vaguely urban accent I put on it, so Wait a second.
How did you know that Grimmelsby had syphilis-induced psychosis? - What's that now? - That was a huge twist in the finale that no one could have possibly seen coming.
Was it? That was in That was in the the finale.
The only time it was ever shown or talked about was in the finale.
That plot point was in the finale? Yes.
It wasn't in the TV guides.
Well, uh oh, fine! Fine, I watched it, okay, but not on purpose.
I tried to look away but my eyes kept pulling me back in! My god, it's the moors, baby! It's the moors, you gotta understand.
Oh, my god, I've been accusing Annie of lying this whole time, and she's completely innocent.
I am the worst.
Okay everybody, please, settle down, settle down so we can discuss the moors season finale! Hat? Okay, now, I know we all watched it here live, as we always do, but due to the gut wrenching twists and turns, many of us were not in the emotional or even physical shape to take part in our usual post- moors post-postmortem.
Poor Lenny had a stroke, so be sure to sign the card.
I don't know that he's ever gonna read it.
So I know the moors is taking some heat in the press right now for its gratuitous use of the "overhearing" plot device.
Shall we start the discussions there? You know what, I'll start.
I loved it! I just loved it.
So you're really just making a day of it? - Eh, might as well.
- Guess what? Annie did watch the moors, okay, just not at home.
That's why she passed the lie detector test.
She's been watching it at work, and get this She's been watching all season.
Oh, man, she's good.
I'm sorry, did you say lie detector test? Can I borrow it? It's for a friend.
She's the one who's always made such a big deal about it being our thing, you know? I mean, we made t-shirts, really good cotton t-shirts, and now, the fabric of our lives turns out to be the fabric of our lies.
You understand what I did there? I turned "lives" into "lies.
" "Lies" and "lives.
" - It's pretty good, Jake.
- Thank you.
Look, I've been TV-cheating on Kevin for years.
He may know, he may not know, but at this point, we're smart enough not to ask.
But why do you do it? Kevin loves to ask questions while we're watching our show, and I love not beating him to death with a hammer because he interrupts every five seconds.
- Sure.
- It's our thing, even if it is a little bit of a lie.
I don't know man, I just don't feel right lying to each other before we even get married.
You know, I want our love to be built on truth and trust.
And I really want this win.
You know what? Tonight, the charade ends.
Forget it Jake.
It's the moors.
So this punk is running his little heart out.
He actually thinks he's gonna make it.
I'm like, "not on my watch, pal.
" So I gun him down from about a hundred feet away, just as he was getting home.
Man, I love your Chicago PD softball league stores.
And I love how they all purposefully sound like stories about police brutality.
Yeah! - Mmm.
- Mmm.
Gary tells the best stories.
Aw, thanks, babe.
Ahem.
Did y'all just kiss? What the hell, Gary? Look, that was our inelegant, and open mouthed way of trying to tell you guys something.
You know Laguna matata and I are partners, right? Right, got that.
Well, not just on the force.
Also in life.
- Gary and I are married.
- What? And we're allowed to date other people.
We kinda like to think of ourselves as being above the laws of marriage.
Gary, I thought we were serious.
You took my mom to a play.
Susan loved Brigadoon.
This is insane.
Every couple has their stuff.
I mean, some have secret bank accounts, some have their own separate hobbies, your friends have that show they lie about.
- That's not the same.
- So, what do you say? Let's have a couple mimosas and see where the mid-morning takes us.
Maybe it takes us to a courtyard by marriot, and maybe we drain the mini bar, and then each other.
Have you seen the courtyard since the renovations? Is this something you guys do on a regular basis? - Yeah.
- Yeah, no.
I am not down with whatever this is.
Yeah, even I think this is weird, and I've been to a cat barmitzvah.
So what's the soup here? What's good? Gil, let's go.
Gil, let's go.
- Damn.
- Damn, right? That was horrible.
What are you so happy about? I technically just went on a date.
I'm back out there.
Yeah, atta boy.
I told you.
What the hell? Oh, already? The law, her teat doth dryeth quickly.
Oh.
Annie, we need to talk.
- Yeah, we do.
- Listen Jake, I thought about it.
This is crazy.
We're fighting over a TV show, albeit a modern masterpiece that makes game of thrones look like a Florida teenager's real world audition tape.
You're digressing.
I'm sorry that I got so upset.
I just I love that you love something that I introduced you to.
And I just I love watching you love it, I guess.
What were you gonna say? Uh, well, I was gonna say It was your dad.
Yeah, he was in In there, and he was eating our chocolate pretzels and watching our moors.
- What, my dad? - I know.
Wait, which dad? Well, I could beat around the race bush, but - I got it.
- Right.
Oh, my god, dad? It's crazy how some couples need to lie to each other just to make it work.
God, I'm so glad that's not us.
Me too.
Now, what do you say, since neither of us have seen the season finale of the moors - I haven't seen it.
- I haven't seen a frame of it.
We put on our T-shirts and we make a night of it? I'd love to.
Ahh, finally.
Finale.
Previously, on the moors Where did she come from? Why is she wearing that coat? What else was she in? The drawing room, it's cold out, hunger games.
- This show is pretty good.
-Mm-hmm.
Oh, you know Chris from Evidence? - Mm-hmm.
- We're going to Jamaica for a week.
You got to check out the cliffs at Montego Bay.
Majestic.
- Just admit you love the show.
- Come on, it's great, right? Are you kidding me? No.
And the celebrity cameos totally take you out of it.
In what world is Venus Williams a Victorian-era executioner I buy it.
So glad we waited.
So worth it Oh! - Wow - And he's gone.