Marry Me (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Friend Me

Ugh, it's a good thing I'm trying to lose weight, 'cause the food here stinks.
This is the kind of ham they would serve in a public school.
Why do we come here again? Guys, mo and David's is a Chicago institution.
Plus, it's walking distance from our place, right? And they haven't raised the prices in, like, ten years because of the murders.
Speaking of institutions, some of you may have heard Jake and I are getting married.
Oh my god, what a terrible segue.
So, Dennah, Kay, here's a little something.
- What is this? - What? The earrings we saw in wicker park.
The same day we saw a pigeon eating a cigarette.
"How special it would be to have you by my side.
" "My friend, my sister, my maid to the bride.
" Here I go.
Here I go.
Here I go.
What's happening? I'm not sure, but if I had to guess, they're synchronizing their periods.
I'm asking them to be my bridesmaids.
This is important lady stuff.
I'm assuming you haven't asked your groomsmen yet.
No, I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Fine.
Gil, you want to be my best man? Hmm? Yeah.
Great.
Now I got a groomsman.
- That's it? - Yeah.
That's your entire wedding party? Soup to nuts.
Jake, I have nine bridesmaids.
If you just have one groomsman and it's him, it's gonna look kind of weird.
She's gonna look like a crazy bitch.
Exactly.
What do you want me to say? I don't have any brothers or weird cousins that I feel sorry for.
And Gil's my best friend, so what more do I need? There's got to be somebody else you can ask.
Do you know a Brian? You look like the kind of guy who would know a lot of Brians.
I know three Brians.
What about your college buddies? You used to hang out with them all the time.
You had a name for them The guys, the fellas, the rascals.
No, that can't be right.
They weren't toddlers.
Ha-ha, the boyz with a z.
Mm, great guys.
Big partiers.
Yeah, yeah, they loved to party.
Yeah, but we don't hang out anymore.
- Why not? - I don't know.
We just sort of drifted apart.
Like the continents.
You know, they used to be one big land mass called pangaea.
That's right, Gil.
- You told us that.
- Give me strength.
oh, no can't hold me back So I guess Jake's only gonna have one groomsman.
No.
This whole thing has made me kind of worried about Jake.
Guess I didn't realize he'd lost touch with so many of his friends.
You know, that happens a lot with straight men.
They neglect their friendships and their skin and their bodies.
Is that what happened to uncle Teddy? Yes.
He doesn't have any friends left.
He putters around the house in a Disneyland tracksuit.
You know your aunt Karen said he's gonna buy a ham radio.
- Eh-no.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, my god, that could totally happen to Jake.
He could end up sitting in front of the radio all night, talking about guitars with some math teacher in Canada.
Why are they so weird up there? People say they're nice.
Mm-mm.
- Not buying it.
- Mm-mm.
- Passive - Aggressive.
- English.
- French.
It's like their mouths are smiling, but their eyes are dead.
Not a good combination.
Something's going on.
And hockey? Forget it.
You really don't want anything? No.
Taking this weight loss stuff pretty seriously.
And since all health food tastes like when you fall down on the lawn, I started this awesome shake diet.
Impressive.
It's actually pretty affordable, and it tastes like dessert in a bottle Real dessert, not that crap they give you at Asian restaurants.
Give a swallow.
Wow.
That's delicious.
That's 100 calories.
I got a whole bunch if you want to buy some.
Sure.
This would be perfect for when I'm on the go or need to drop some quick weight before I see my mother.
Your mom's pretty judgmental for somebody who's morbidly obese.
Mm, she's had a rough year.
Her cat died.
You know the really cool thing about shaketech shakes? Not only can you buy them.
They let you sell 'em too.
- Really? - Heck yeah! That pays for the shakes you're drinking, and then the rest is pure profit that you can go spend on your girl stuff, like bra wire and pepper spray.
Wow, you know, I could totally do that.
So what do you say? Why not? - I guess I'll take - Eight boxes? - Sure.
- All right.
- It's a very specific number.
- Yeah, it's got to be eight.
I'm also gonna need your social security number.
Okay.
I'm loving this surprise thing.
Okay, where are we? The opera? The airport? Oh, are we going to Maine to watch the leaves change? Ah, no, we're at mo and David's.
I can smell chi-chi the busboy's Cologne.
Okay, right you are, but that is not the surprise.
I felt really sad that you lost touch with your college buddies, and so the boys are back in town The boyz! Jake! What a great surprise.
How did you find them? It's amazing what you can do on the Internet when you're not shopping or trolling the yelp page of your high school bully's landscaping business.
Oh, that last part was just crazy, but thank you for doing this.
You're welcome.
Okay, you guys have fun I mean you boyz have fun.
Boyz! Thank you, Annie.
- Bye, Annie.
Thank you so much.
- Bye, Annie.
All right, Annie's gone, so we can cut the charade.
I'm surprised you guys had the testicles to show up here.
Ha, we just wanted to make sure you were still a jerk.
Uh, the only jerks here are you three, okay? And the bartender, who rolls his eyes every time I order a sangria.
It's a legitimate drink, Jeremy.
My name's Chad.
you blew us off, bro.
Last time we saw you was, uh, what? The night we went to the rainforest cafe and dressed up as loggers.
The point is, you hurt the boyz.
Oh, I hurt the okay.
When Annie and I broke up, you guys talked so much smack about her.
I mean, you talked mad smack.
Daniel, you called her a hooker.
Yeah, I sure did.
In our defense, we thought she was hooking.
And then when we got back together, it was just weird bringing her around, knowing that you guys hated her.
It was just easier not to hang out, despite the fact that you know that I like to party.
We only talked smack about Annie because you were talking smack about Annie because you guys broke up.
- What? - Yeah, Jake.
That was us having your back.
I mean, I'd have lit her car on fire or shrub-punched her grandma for you.
I can't think of a scenario where I would have asked you to do that.
Wait a second.
None of you had a problem with Annie? - No.
- No.
Oh, man.
Now I feel stupid.
I really I don't know what to say.
Look.
Is there any way we could squash this beef? Sorry, Jake.
No way we can squash a beef.
Yeah.
Unless there was no beef to begin with.
Oh! The boyz! Let's all drink till we die! Hey, the boyz are back in town.
Ow, that's not gonna go on.
I unplugged it.
The boys are back in town The boys are back in town again the boys are back in town again Hey, hey, hey, honey.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Annie, you want a drink? Oh, I'm good.
I think I'll just stick to my morning coffee.
I'm sorry, hon.
I hope we didn't wake you up.
We were just having so much fun, me and the boyz The boyz, the boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz.
We just wanted to keep the party rolling after the bars closed.
What are you guys up to? One of the boyz' classic drinking games? Boyz, boyz, boyz You said it.
You said it.
Boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz.
I said it, and I regret it.
Listen, I hate to be a buzz kill, but, Jake, we're supposed to meet with that wedding photographer.
- When? - Right now.
I'm sorry, everybody.
Ah.
Okay.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Let's go.
Get out of here.
Ah, man.
I know.
I'm whipped.
Oh-ho! Thank you.
I'll I will clean all that up.
Whoo! We're just messing with you, Annie.
No, it's okay.
He is whipped, by me.
Pew, p-chew, p-chew, p-chew.
That's more like a party laser.
Ah, we'll work on that.
Hey, you guys are gonna take a cab home, right? Nope, the boyz all drive separately! - Oh, boyz, boyz! - Boyz, boyz, boyz Oh, that's hugely irresponsible.
Love that song.
I love those guys, you know? I just I feel like I'm 22 again, you know, just not physically, of course, 'cause I feel terrible, but I just forgot how much I love to party, you know? So great, babe.
So fun.
Yeah, it is, right? And I have you to thank for it, hon.
Thank you so mu ugh.
- You okay? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no.
- Boyz.
So I said, "if you want these grapes, buster, you better come over here and get 'em.
" And he did.
He took the grapes.
He did.
And that's the grape story.
So where's Jake? He's on a golf crawl with the boyz.
It's a bar crawl but with golf rules.
I don't really know how it works.
He was already pretty drunk when he tried to explain it.
Is that the third time this week he's hung out with the guys? - The boyz.
- Right.
Yeah, it's a little much.
But he's having fun, and I want him to have friends.
Speaking of fun, I have something to share with you guys.
A delicious way to lose weight and gain Girl, you're in a pyramid scheme.
Wait.
What? What do you mean? Yeah, no question about that.
Definitely pyramid.
Let me guess.
You bought some shakes.
Then they convinced you to sell some shakes, and then you bought an ass-ton more shakes.
No.
Only eight boxes.
Eight boxes? Same thing happened to you with that eye cream.
How do you remember that? You were only six years old.
You sold me three jars.
- Oh.
- Sorry, d.
But you might as well change your name to pharaoh ramses ii 'cause you're in a pyramid.
Gil.
Oh, yeah! - Yes! - Yeah! All right, all right, all right, boyz.
All right, this bar is gonna be a par five, and if you puke, that is a mulligan.
Okay, and light beer is a two-stroke penalty.
Fore! Shots.
- Four of 'em.
- Four shots.
Oh, Jake, so good to have you back, man.
Oh, hey, do you guys mind if I just take it down a second? You know, I know the wedding is a ways away, but I wanted to ask you guys something.
I wrote it down because I'm a little nervous.
Okay, here it is.
"How special it would be to have you, the boyz" - Ah! - Boyz! Every time.
I'd love for you to be by my side at my, um, wedding.
Whoa.
Hey, is that susie from college? Oh, yeah.
Hey, susie.
What's up, girl? Hey.
Yeah, we invited her.
What? Why would you do that? You guys always hit it off.
With your mouth.
You were always kissing her.
Okay.
Hey, Danny, Danny, Danny.
Take it easy.
Yeah, you should You should totally go and hang out with her and and not marry Annie.
Wait.
What? - We hate Annie, man.
- Why? She's a bat-mouthed fun burglar.
A fun burg what the hell's a The boyz do not care for her.
susie, not Annie B to the o to the y to the z not Annie to the o to the y to the z to the b b to the o to the y to the z I don't get it I thought you guys were cool with Annie.
No, no, no, no, we were never cool with Annie, okay? We decided to give her a second chance, and then, boom, she's back to her old ways, you know? All that crap with all the plans and the wedding photographer.
Yeah, "I'm Annie.
"I don't want beer.
I want coffee, because it's the morning.
" Hold on a second.
I set up the photographer, okay? He has a reputation for making the groom feel just as beautiful as the bride.
I'm not helping myself here.
Do you see what's happening? Annie is changing you, okay? Annie is making you Lame.
Guys, I love Annie, all right? And I'm marrying her.
And if you guys can't respect that, then I guess we can't hang out again.
Well, maybe you just don't know how to party like we thought you knew how to party.
Good day.
You don't know how to party! You don't know how to party! You don't know how to party! Well, there goes the bar crawl.
It's probably for the best.
I should get home anyways.
Sharon needs help feeding the twins, and I'm scrubbing in for an angioplasty first thing in the morning.
You are a good father.
See ya.
Hey, you're home early.
And your eyes aren't even bloodshot, and I can't smell you from here.
I think I've been hanging out with the boyz a little too much, you know? I think I might cut back, do the old liver a favor.
Did something happen with the boyz? No, I mean, you know, gut boy has developed some pretty disturbing opinions about immigration, but no.
Okay, wait.
I call bs on all of this.
Something is up.
I can tell.
- Nothing's going on.
- don't make me call double bs.
We haven't had a double bs since the "cleared history" dispute of 2012.
Jake, just tell me.
Okay.
There might be a world in which the boyz do not care for Some people who are Of the Annie nature.
Wait.
What are you trying to say? The boyz hate you.
I'm sorry.
Wow.
Wow, wow.
Wow.
Isn't that funny? Look, that's why I stopped hanging out with them in the first place.
I mean, I thought things were different now, but I was wrong.
What did I ever do to them? I mean, I'm always making small talk with Daniel, and I never call Matthew out on constantly staring at my cleavage like it's the briefcase from Pulp Fiction.
It's nothing you did, okay? These guys are jerks with a z.
I don't want to come in between you and your friends.
No, they're not my friends, because anybody who's my friend is cool enough to recognize just how amazing you are.
- You're sweet, but - Annie, it's fine.
If I want more friends, I'll make them.
Plus, I got Gil, who I think we can both agree is quite a handful.
More than a handful.
You round jerk! You sucked me into a stupid pyramid scheme.
Oh, my god.
Dennah, I'm so sorry.
I got sucked into the shake thing too.
And now my only chance is to have other people sell them.
I'm in too deep.
How many boxes did you buy? - 60! - 60? Now all my money is tied up in shakes.
You can't pay your phone bill with shakes.
I know because I tried, once this morning, and then later with a cajun accent.
Why would I do that? It's the same account! The accent accomplishes nothing! Okay, okay, calm down.
We're gonna get out of this.
It all starts with this evil company, shaketech.
We got to go to their offices and make them buy our freakin' shakes back.
We're going head-to-head with whatever corporate bastard is at the top of this evil scheme.
BlackBerry bramble bars? Libby? You're the regional director of shaketech? Oh, yes, shaketech has given me a chance to work from home and gain confidence and make good money.
Plus, it's really helped me with my postpartum.
I love you.
That's great, Libby.
We're happy for you, but isn't this a pyramid scheme? Oh, dear, no.
Shaketech isn't a scheme.
It's a family that helps you lose weight and gain wealth.
But we have all these shakes that we can't sell I got chocolate and vanilla coming out of my ears, literally.
I have so many shakes, I'm using 'em as shampoo now.
Ew.
It's good for volume, actually.
- I don't think so.
- Wait.
Just chocolate and vanilla? Yeah.
Why? Well, that's your problem right there.
We have three new flavors that are just flying off the shelves.
Try cookies and cream or caramel delight.
- I love cookies.
- I love delight.
- Damn, she's good.
- Oh.
No, don't bang it until I bang it.
- That's what I'm saying.
- You faked me out.
I didn't fake you out.
I just put my hand I'm pointing to everybody.
- How is that - Can we please bang? Yeah, let's just bang.
Okay? And then when I go like that, put your hand up to your nose.
- Got me.
- No, I didn't get you.
Oh, and no, not my nose, your nose.
This is my nose.
This is your nose.
Never the twain shall meet.
Hi.
Hey, what's up, babe? Just hanging out with my new crew, you know? You remember Gus, our mailman.
Yes, nice to see you on the inside.
This is Jurgen, the guy who spots me at the gym.
Hey.
And, of course, this is, um - Edgar.
- Edgar.
No, I knew that.
I knew that.
I just was making sure that you knew that, because you've been doing so many shots of, oh, milk.
You know what it is? He's lactose intolerant, so we're living on the edge right now.
Put your hand down, please.
Are you sure you don't have any cocaine? What? You repeatedly said you liked to party.
Okay, Jake, I know what's going on.
You miss the boyz, and you're trying to replace them with this sad, weird crew of really lovely guys.
Pbbf, come on.
I don't miss the boyz.
What are you talking about? I mean, I got my broz with a z.
- Broz.
- Okay, this is ridiculous.
I am gonna go see the boyz.
Oh, come on.
And none of us are gonna have sex either, are we? Excuse me? Seriously? You can't be friends with Jake because of me? What did I ever do to you? Okay, Annie, we just don't think that you are right for Jake.
Annie, we just think you're kind of a bitch.
Well, first of all, uh-screw you.
And secondly, what makes you think you know what's right for Jake? I have been with him for six years.
I know Jake way better than any of you.
Annie, stop.
These guys aren't worth it.
You think you know Jake better than us, miss thang? Huh, miss thang? Okay.
All right.
What was his favorite movie? Duh.
Secondhand lions.
Duh.
Everybody knows that.
He never shuts up about it.
Okay, my turn, jerks with a z.
Yes.
Where did Jake live during high school? Okay, all right, we're gonna do this? We're really gonna do this? Yeah.
We're gonna have a contest to see who knows Jake better than his boyz.
Boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz.
B to the o to the y to the z.
I guess we are.
All right, well, then, let's make it interesting.
You get an answer right, and you get a point.
And you get to make a new rule.
- Okay.
- You break a rule, you drink.
And you lose a point.
And, no, you cannot use the phone to call Jake's past.
- No.
- What? I don't understand what he's saying.
Annie, don't do this, okay? These guys really like to party.
And I should know, because I really like to party.
- No.
- Not anymore.
Plus, they're crazy good at drinking games.
Jake, it's okay, because I'm crazy good at being your fiancée.
Plus, I was in a sorority, which means I drank just as much as the frat guys, and I still had the strength to outrun them.
Delta gamma! All right, you hairy bitches, let's do this.
How old was Jake when he lost his virginity? but he says that doesn't count because of what happened with the cat.
Rip, Mr.
meowgi.
Aka, cat morita.
Oh, she knows me.
Okay, I get to make a rule.
When I say "t.
Rex arms" Mitsubishi samurai.
Grower.
No, show-er! Yakov smirnoff! Everybody knows it's American ninja warrior.
All right, I'm drinking.
Drink, drink, drink, drink.
What is Jake's biggest fear? Oh, okay, okay, um, Nell Carter! Ohh! The fat guy from P.
M.
dawn? What is Jake's favorite reality show? True Tori on lifetime! Drink up.
Drink, drink, drink.
You don't know what you've gotten yourself into.
- Christopher mintz-plasse? - No, sir Ben Kingsley.
Sorry! I'm sorry.
Velveteen rabbit.
How do you say the area below the belly button? "Mean" gene okerlund.
Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Mm.
- Down by the quarry.
- Mm.
- I got this one.
- Oh! - Lizzie grubman.
- That's my girl! Bruce jenner.
Tonya Harding.
A.
J.
Benza.
- Drink, drink, drink, drink.
- Okay.
Cabo San butthole.
French bulldog.
Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.
man, we just fell about the place Hello.
No one here but me.
Yeah.
Everyone in Germany wants to be one of the boyz.
Oh, no! Sorry.
All right, here we go, last question.
It is not looking good for you.
I think the boyz know Jake a little better than you.
Okay, Annie, I'm impressed, all right? You held your own, but these guys are pros.
Wait.
Shh, shh, shh.
I have it.
I have it.
I have it.
Okay, final question.
Wait, you get the final question? - Yes or no.
- Okay.
If one of Jake's boyz was dating a fiancée that Jake didn't like but he could see that said boy was happy, would Jake be supportive? Oh, I see what you're doing.
You are being a real pill tonight.
Answer the question.
And you're also being really difficult.
- Answer the question.
- No.
Answer the question.
The answer is yes.
- Yes, he would.
- That's right.
Because Jake is a good friend.
And, look, yeah, I'm not crazy about you guys taking him out, getting him drunk all the time, but I support him because it makes him happy, because this isn't about us; it's about Jake.
It's about Jake.
Wow, when you lay it out like that, it makes the boyz realize that we've been real jerks.
The boyz are sorry, guys.
Yeah, I mean, I guess a lot of this was about us being jealous.
I mean, Jake's moving on.
He's getting married.
And I'm still stuck in the same place A junior studio with a Murphy bed and a Murphy toilet.
How does that work? It just pulls down? It's the worst invention ever.
Is there in the wall? Talk about Murphy brown.
So there really was a beef after all, okay, with sort of an inner emotional sub-beef inside it.
I'm embarrassed to admit there was beef inside that beef.
All right, look, guys.
If you're game, I am willing to squash all those beefs and be friends again.
What do you say? Squash it.
Consider all beefs squashed.
I don't know what you guys are talking about, but it's making me hungry.
I'm hungry too! I'm hungry too! The boyz.
The boyz.
Boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz And girl.
You know, Annie, for somebody who's into photographers and coffee, maybe you do like to party after all.
- Maybe I do.
- Grudging respect.
I told you guys I could hang.
Next time you need a girl to school you in drinking or friendship, you know where to find me.
What an exit.
Uh, watch out.
Oh! - Ooh.
- God, I love that woman.
Ugh, I'm so hungover.
I can feel my heartbeat in my hair.
Ow.
Ow.
Stop touching it.
Hey, well, I'm proud of you, babe.
And if you need it, I have a breakfast burrito on standby.
- Oh.
- Some of it got eaten.
- Most of it got eaten.
- Is any of it left? No.
Oh, look who came in without knocking.
Good morning to you too.
- Foot-five.
- Pumpkin.
You guys look happy.
I take it you fixed your shake problem? Yeah.
We sat down with a legal pad and just really took stock of what we had going for us, which was Dennah.
Hot girls have been selling crap to idiots since the dawn of time.
Then it was just a matter of finding the right clients to target with our sales pitch Guys who are long on cash but short on brains.
The boyz lose weight and gain wealth.
Hey, hey.
The boyz! The boyz!