Mary & Jane Episode Scripts

N/A - Jenéeuary

1 Hey.
I have something amazing to tell you.
I was on my way back from a delivery to Patchouli Julie Smells like sophomore year.
But, I was driving down Hyperion, and look at what I saw.
Paige, every other building in town has that tag.
Soft Serve is like the HPV of street art.
No, no, no, Jordan.
Look at my face.
I'm not upset at all.
I mean, I didn't cry or blast Adele, or obsessively stalk him on Instagram.
Don't you realize what this means? I am finally over Soft Serve.
Good for you.
Hey, what is all this stuff? Uh, this is a useless box of crap that my mom sent me.
It's, like, old report cards, CDs.
What the hell am I supposed to do with old calling cards? Do these things even work anymore? But all of this is just an excuse to send me these.
"How to avoid being Single and Childless by 30.
" Oh, "The Twenty-Something's Guide to Not Wasting Your Twenties.
" I'm throwing it all out.
Oh, there's another package that came addressed to both of us.
I thought you might want to open something, too.
Aww.
(Jenée's recording) Wazaaap! You've been invited to Jenée's '90s themed birthday party.
So bust out the scrunchies, crack open your Goosebumps, but don't tell your friends, because could this party be any more exclusive? There's a pre-party dinner, a post-party brunch, a post-brunch hike.
This isn't a party invitation.
This is, like, a vacation itinerary.
What, is she celebrating for the whole month? - Yeah, it's Jenéeuary.
- Good one.
No, that's literally what she's calling it.
See? "Jenéeuary.
" "Come celebrate the decade of my birth.
" - (whining) - God, narcissists throw themselves the best birthday parties.
She even has sponsors.
Uh, drinks by Starving Girl vodka.
Edibles by Mary and Jane.
Beats by Soft Serve.
I'm not going.
Say baby what's your name? Are you the one Mary? Are you Jane? First of all, you're going to this party because it's a work thing.
Who's gonna help me put out the baked goods? Who's gonna help me hang the pot-ñata? I forgot about the pot-ñata.
Yeah, we are gonna get so many customers from this.
People aren't gonna be able to beat a super-stoned donkey with a stick without thinking about Mary and Jane.
It's one thing for me to see his art on the street but I didn't think I was gonna have to see him in person.
I don't know how I'm gonna react.
What if I cry? What if I throw myself at him in desperation? What if I get drunk and take off my top and start a fistfight? I don't want to invalidate your feelings, but, like, that last thing would be awesome.
I'm just saying, it's too soon.
Paige, don't give him this power.
It's not up to him to decide whether you miss this party.
He's not your fun lord.
Okay, if anything, you have to go to this party.
Have the time of your life right in front of him.
- He doesn't get to decide.
- Exactly! If anything, he should be nervous about seeing me.
He should be terrified! You're right.
I will go to this party.
He's not my fun lord.
I am my own fun lord.
And you know what? Maybe I will get drunk and take off my top and start a fistfight.
I swear, I would pay money to see that.
Hey, do you think this is '90s enough.
God, I had the perfect '90s item.
I had an original 8-ball jacket.
Of course, that's the thing my mom got rid of.
It's 'cause my dad gave it to me after they got divorced.
And yeah, his younger girlfriend Shana did have the same jacket.
I mean, Shana was rad.
She taught me to do a fishtail braid.
She took me to see "Hellraiser 3.
" My mom got rid of the jacket because she hated Shana.
Look at this, she highlighted stuff.
"Chapter 3: Does your haircut make you unemployable?" Does it specify the haircut? This has to stop.
She hasn't changed her outgoing message in, like, 20 years.
- Leave your number after the beep - Number after the beep.
You don't have to worry.
- I'll get back to you in a hurry.
- (beep) Hey, mom, look, I got your box of useless crap and I just want to say that I don't need any more old CDs and I don't need any VHS tapes of "Quantum Leap.
" So you can stop using them as an excuse to send me self-help books, because I am fine.
Maybe I should send you books about how to treat your daughter like an adult and not give away her favorite jacket.
I'm sorry.
I wish there was something I could do.
Hola, chicas.
Oh, my God.
This party is so bomb, it's gonna be strapped to a bus with Keanu Reeves.
- '90s.
- Oh, my God! Ginger Spice.
Girl power! What is that? Oh, is that what they used to say? I'm actually too young to remember the Spice Girls when they really happened I just love the dress.
Anyway, so we've got '90s karaoke, a Zima bar, a photo booth with the fountain from "Friends," and of course, the hottest DJ in L.
A.
What a man what a man what a man Usually you have to book him eight months in advance, but this time, he made an exception, 'cause we're, like, supes tight these days.
Hey, Paige, would it be weird for you if Soft Serve and I started dating? I mean, I would never, because we're such good friends.
Unless it wouldn't be weird because we're not such good friends? - Wait, what? - Anyway, we can talk about this later.
(Jenée, fading) I'm so happy you guys came (dance music playing) Paige, what are you doing? Looking like I'm having fun.
Well, it looks like you're airing out your pits.
Hey, I have to fake it 'til I believe it.
It's like the woman who does the TED talk about posing like Superman.
If you hold the confident superhero pose long enough I know, I know, you can't get hit by real bullets.
You didn't watch it 'til the end.
You don't need a TED talk.
What you need is a drink.
- Stay right here.
- Okay.
But please come back quickly.
It's hard for me to look like I'm having fun by myself.
Oh, but I do know how to juggle.
Just wait for me, okay? I like your outfit.
Who are you? Kriss or Kross? Isn't it obvious? - And you are? - Felicity.
Dear Sally, Ben is so cute, but Noah's so nice.
I'm thinking about cutting my hair, and it won't be the worst mistake I've ever made in my life, will it? So, uh, we could stand in line for another 20 minutes for some super-lame themed cocktails, or we could go check out my '93 Bronco and line up some super lethal kush.
Yeah, I don't know, my friend's about to, like, put on a clown nose over there.
But a real OJ-style Bronco at a '90s-themed party? I mean, it would be a shame not to at least see it.
I mean, how could my mom not think I'm successful? It's like, I run my own (bleep) business.
But she never got me, you know? I wish she was more like Shana, who was my dad's girlfriend.
She was so badass.
Not like Barry, my stepdad, who, like, went to the basement and played with his ham radio.
You know, Shana and I had, like, matching 8-ball jackets.
Shana was cool.
- She - (door slamming) Dear Sally, looks like it's not gonna work out between me and the hot Bronco girl.
(dance music playing) Have you seen that DJ? I'm gonna ride him like the front bike in my spin class.
Damn it, Jordan.
God, I knew she was gonna do this.
Damn.
I would give anything to go back and get that 8-ball jacket.
That'd be so cool, right? The '90s were pretty dope.
Man, I wish I could go back to the '90s.
(crashing) (chimes tinkling) Hey now you're an all-star Get your game on Go play Hey now you're a rock star Where is everybody? How far away did this girl park? Oh, my God I'm back in the '90s.
Ooh, get two Jenées.
One on each bicep.
(phone ringing) Oh, my God, Paige, I can't believe this call went through.
- That's amazing.
- Jordan, where the hell are you? Paige, I I don't know how to tell you this, but somehow, I've I've traveled back in time to the '90s.
- You what? - I don't even know how long this call is gonna last.
It must be some sort of ripple in space-time, or just, like, a really advanced feature on the new iPhone.
Jordan, you always do this.
Every time you get high, you disappear for an hour because you say you saw someone who looks like the genie from "Aladdin.
" No, Paige, if you could see what I'm seeing, it's crazy.
There's a payphone.
The receiver isn't even torn off.
Paige, Mario Lopez is on TV, okay? He looks exactly like he did in the '90s.
There's no other explanation.
I've I've traveled in time.
Oh, my God, Jordan, I cannot do this on my own.
He's my Mr.
Big! Okay, hey, I can be there for you.
All I have to do is live out the next 20 years.
And then go to that party.
So get ready, because I'm about to walk through that door 20 years older, right about Now.
Am I still hot? You didn't walk in.
Oh, my God, that means That means I die.
That means I die before I can go to the party.
Look at a photo of me.
Am I disappearing? I'm hanging up now.
No, no, no, no, Paige! I love you and there's $500, okay? It's in your sock drawer where I keep my vibrator.
God damn it! If you wanna be my lover You gotta get with my friends Make it last forever 'cause friendship never ends If you wanna be my lover Time to summon the fun lord.
Fun Lord.
Said hey Baby I got your money don't you worry Said hey Baby I got your money Oh! Jesus, Paige! You just hit me in the left tit! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I was blindfolded.
No, we didn't We didn't even spin you.
And look at my pot-ñata! You've ruined it! How is anyone gonna smoke that weed? It's soaking wet.
And I am not paying for that.
Okay, that That was the best thing that I have seen all night.
The best.
Looks like I needed to be more humiliated.
No, no, I'm not being sarcastic, look, it was truly funny.
I think you had the courage to do what we all were thinking.
So Can I get you a drink? A Jenée-arita, or a Jenée-ito? No, no.
Maybe a left tit and tonic.
How about a tit-quila sunrise? There you go.
Time travel log.
The question is, how do I get back? I don't have a DeLorean.
But there's some reason I was sent here, and only by fixing something in the past will I be able to return to the present.
Whoa! Shana had these boots, too.
Man, you guys have everything.
Hey, don't get rid of any of this, okay? It is all coming back.
I remember this one time, Shana took my friend and I to see a Slayer concert I mean, like, we were too young to get in, but she went in anyway, so we hung out in the parking lot with these cool scalpers.
Shana didn't play by the rules.
Shana didn't care.
Shana was A whore.
Oh, my God! No wonder my mom hated her so much.
My dad left her for some skank who left me alone in a stadium parking lot? My poor mother.
Okay, wait for it No, wait.
Ta-da! Get the (bleep) out.
No way.
How did you do this? When I was in middle school, I got Jack in the Box E.
coli and pretty much stayed home for two weeks and just watched music videos and practiced origami and I Wow, I've never said that out loud to another human before.
That's so embarrassing.
I think it's adorable.
I think you're adorable.
Okay, uh, I'm gonna spoil you.
I'm gonna go get you a Zima.
- Ooh.
- Oh, I know.
Don't go anywhere.
Hey, sweet pea.
Oh, hey.
Uh, hey.
I'm sorry I didn't come say hello before.
Jenée's got me working my ass off.
She's gone birthday-zilla on me tonight, you know? But, you look amazing.
It's good to see you.
- Thanks.
- Who's that guy you're here with? What is he, a date? Somebody you're seeing? - Oh, n No, no, we just met.
- Good.
'Cause when I agreed to come here tonight, the only thing I could think about was seeing you here.
The truth is, you're all I think about.
You ever think about me? Everything's been so crazy with me.
It's like all the attention, people wanting things from me.
But you You're the only one who knows who I really am.
You've always been the one, Paige.
I miss you.
I need you.
(dance music playing) I'm the fear addicted The danger illustrated You're amazing, Paige.
I was lost without you.
You're my muse.
No doubt man Check it out man So Still want the Zima? I actually am quite parched.
Um, hey, Jordan, I don't know where you are right now and you're probably not gonna believe this, but I think I just got back together with Soft Serve.
Um, he says he can't stop thinking about me, and he needs me, and I'm probably not gonna sleep at home tonight, so just wanted to let you know.
Yeah, call me when you get this, bye.
(sobbing) Hey.
Are you okay? My ex is in there.
I thought I was over him, but I know, it's the worst.
He's just so hot.
He's this famous graffiti artist and he's DJing the party.
How long have you guys been dating? All last year.
It was really serious.
I mean, we almost got engaged.
You know, he told me that I was the only one who really got him.
You know, that he needed me and that I was His muse.
I can't believe I fell for that again.
(phone line ringing) (Jordan's Mom) Leave your number after the beep.
You don't have to worry, I'll get back to you in a hurry.
(beeping) Hey, Mom, it's Jordan.
I guess it's probably weird to hear my voice all grown up, um Anyway, I'm just calling to tell you that I finally get it.
Like, I understand how hard it must have been to raise a stubborn, opinionated daughter, basically on your own.
I realize now that you are the woman I should have been looking up to.
So I I guess I'm just calling to say thank you.
And I'm sorry.
And I love you.
And just promise me that you won't let me get that perm my sophomore year, 'cause I just I just feel like we don't need to give Rodney Bodine any more ammunition to make fun of me, so (dance music playing) Babe, what the hell? - (music shuts off) - Shut up Dennis! You know, I thought we had something special, and I have spent so long trying to figure out what I did wrong to push you away.
But you know what? I didn't do anything wrong.
You're just an asshole, and I cannot believe I wasted so much time on you.
'Cause you know what? You're not my fun lord.
You're not my anything lord.
You're nothing.
("No Scrubs" by TLC playing) A scrub is a guy that think he's fine and is Also known as a buster Always talking about what he wants And just sits on his broke ass So no I don't want your number No I don't want to give you mine and No I don't want to meet you nowhere No don't want none of your time No I don't want no scrub A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me Hanging out the passenger side Of his best friend's ride Trying to holler at me I don't want no scrub A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me Hanging out the passenger side Of his best friend's ride Trying to holler at me (song continues) (microphone feedback) I don't get it.
What else do I have to fix to go back? Tell everybody not to worry about Y2K? Warn women to stay away from Bill Cosby? (spray paint hissing) Hey! Listen.
When you grow up, I want you to stay the hell away from my best friend Paige, because she deserves way better than you.
Understand me, you little shit? Beat it! Well, my work here is done.
Time to go home.
- Time - (chimes tinkling) Time to go home.
Ooh - Jordan? - Paige! I did it! I'm back! Paige So, the '90s.
Yeah.
I bet if we dry this out tomorrow, we can still smoke most of it.
Sounds like an ideal Sunday.
Hey, I'm sorry I left you alone to deal with Soft Serve.
Who's Soft Serve? Holy shit! I did it.
I changed the future.
Uhh Uh-huh yeah It's all about the Benjamins baby Uhh Uh-huh now What y'all wanna do? Wanna be ballers? Shot-callers brawlers Who be dipping in the Benz with the spoilers - It's all about the Benjamins baby - Uh-huh yeah - It's all about the Benjamins baby - Yeah - It's all about the Benjamins baby - Yeah yeah yeah