Mary & Jane Episode Scripts

N/A - Noachella

1 How psyched are you for Coachella? - All the great music! - Right? Okay.
I've memorized the entire schedule and synced it with the map, allowing us a generous six minutes of travel time between each venue.
- Okay.
- If we eat one meal a day and we never pee, we can see almost every band.
We are gonna sell so much dank.
Okay, one more delivery, and then it's off to the ball.
Someone order the Coachella special? Me! Thank God you made it.
We heard the Palm Springs drugs are, like, ten times more than the LA drugs.
You know, festivals.
Note to self, jack up prices.
Petra, don't forget the juicer.
What bands are you excited to see? What? I don't even know who's playing.
We just know Coachella's the place to be.
Last week, it was South by Southwest.
The week before that was kombucha tasting in K-town.
Next weekend, we're doing IKEA Fight Club.
Oh! I wanna get a selfie with real-life drug dealers.
- Let's! - Okay.
Squad goals! (shrieks) Trish, you idiot, the zombie run is next week.
Ehr - Is she okay? - No.
Finally, Coachella, here we come! Okay, I don't wanna jinx it, but I'm packing some condoms just in case.
- Do you think three is enough? - No.
- What's that? - That's my stash sash.
So, it's got slots for joints and, like, um, vape cartridges and my pen I made it.
You're kidding, that is so cute.
You should totally sell those.
No, we should totally sell those.
Wait, hey, is that my scarf? - Yes.
- It looks so good on you.
Thank you, it matches my stash sash.
Oh, I have to change my outgoing message.
Why do we still have a landline? Isn't your mom the only one who calls it? Exactly hi, you've reached Paige.
I'm sorry I can't make it to the phone right now, but I'm in New York for Fashion Week, ciao.
Why can't your mom know you're going to Coachella? You know Deborah, after earthquakes, she thinks the number one way that people die in Los Angeles is drug raves.
Wait, Paige, you still haven't told your mom what you do? I'm going to tell her, okay, it's just that they had to put her dog down.
Wasn't that, like, two years ago? I got my bag you ready to go? Yeah, I've got hundreds of joints disguised as tampons to get through security.
That is a brilliant idea.
Okay, grab the tickets, and let's go.
I thought you picked up the tickets from Shady Dave.
No, because you were gonna pick up the tickets from Shady Dave.
Dave! Dave! Open up, we need our tickets! Jordan, it's too late, everybody's gone.
This sucks! I can't believe it.
We gotta be, like, the only two people in the entire city of Los Angeles not going to Coachella.
No, we can't be the only people left.
(soft wind blows) Do you wanna go take a selfie with that? - Yep.
- Yeah.
Say baby, what's your name? (What's your name?) Are you the one Mary? Are you Jane? (crow cawing) You know, when it comes down to it, did we really wanna go get sunstroke with a bunch of douchebags? Yeah, but we were gonna make a lot of money off those douchebags this blows.
What're we gonna do now? It's like we have the whole city to ourselves.
We have the whole city to ourselves.
I mean, at least Eagle Rock, Echo Park, and, like, that one cool sliver of Studio City.
Yes! I stole the big Silverlake sign! And I stole a wax figure of Johnny Depp for my bedroom! Oh Oh Still so sexy.
Or was it Steven Tyler? I'm gonna Do what I wanna Why you trying to boss me around? Mess me up and bring me down? Think you know what's good for me like I don't have my own instincts You can bump it, you can rock You can sink 'em like a shot You just wasting energy 'Cause, honey, you can't answer me Come on, shake it Let's get loose You're too uptight like a noose Do it when I wanna I'm gonna Do it when I wanna I can't believe we finally got into Big Spoon, Little Plate.
I know, right? We should probably put our shirts back on.
Oh, right.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hey.
Soup of the day.
(both) Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Ooh.
Sorry, there's usually someone here to help me.
(both) Coachella.
Yeah, Coachella.
Thank you.
- Oh, this looks amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
This is so much better than sweating our balls off - at Coachella.
- Yeah, right? (phone chime) - Oh! - (slurping) Coachella update hey, The Smiths just reunited.
And Kendrick Lamar just read the entire first "Harry Potter" book? Well, we saw a tumbleweed.
(slurping) I'm sorry, do you always slurp that loudly when you're eating from a tiny plate? I'm not even sure what that question means.
(clanging) (slurp) (clanging, slurp) (clanging, slurp) (slurping) Um is that my scarf? Um, I already said yes.
I mean, it's not just that we're missing out on a stupid music festival, we're also losing a lot of money, and we wasted a (bleep)-ton of feminine hygiene products.
- Do you know they tax those? - I reminded you to go get those tickets, and I begged you not to get them from someone called Shady Dave.
Shady's ironic, it's like calling a big guy "Tiny.
" And you wanna talk shady, how about spending $50 to lick a saucer? Spoons won the silverware wars for a reason, Paige.
Oh, so you're going after Big Spoon now, it's okay, you know what, I think we're both just really disappointed, and we just need to calm down, and then we'll be able to You haven't even told your parents what you do.
- What? - You're ashamed of Mary + Jane, - you're ashamed of me.
- That is crazy.
I mean, how does me not wanting anyone I care about to know anything at all about what I do make me ashamed? It doesn't, if you're Batman.
- Are you Batman, Paige? - Okay! You know what, I've I'm not super-excited to tell my parents about what I do.
But it's only because I thought I would be doing something amazing by now like like being a stylist or writing for a magazine or being in Lena Dunham's book club, but instead I am $100,000 in debt from college, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
- You're 24.
- I know, right? Just like, if I keep saying "I'm a drug dealer" out loud, it's gonna stick.
What's so bad about that? I'm proud of what we do.
I built Mary + Jane with nothing but my own blood, sweat, and tears.
And $200 that I stole from a cash register.
But mostly with sweat and tears.
You wanna talk stuck? I'm stuck with a partner who won't come out of the green closet.
I'm just trying to tell you I want to do something special with my life Like what, dude? Like get hit by a bus and spill a cosmo in your tutu? See? I knew you never watched that show, even though I asked you to.
I take back that I ever said you were a Samantha.
Well, if I am holding you back from all your special specialness, then maybe you should just quit.
- Maybe I should.
- Fine.
You know what, take your stupid scarf back! (grunting) (grunting) (door slams) And more amazing news coming out of Coachella, at the Gobi Tent, Metallica just played the entire One Direction catalogue.
Who knew those guys could dance? And then Nicki Minaj walked through the crowd, handing out popsicles.
Damn it, I love popsicles! - (engine rattling) - What? (tires screech) (groaning) (man) You've reached Triple-A.
We're sorry, but all our two truck drivers are at Coachella, please call back on Monday but not too early.
(giggling) You guys, how many calories are in this one? I already had two.
I did (indistinct murmuring) Oh (murmuring continues) Oh, my God, who does your forearms? Your forearms, who does them? Um they're natural? Amazing.
Come, come sit with us.
Dranks! - Oh - I just want to inhale them.
Oh! Do you mind? For my arm guy? - Um, what's an arm guy? - (camera snap) Oh, my God, you are so cute! She is so cute! I'm Lauren Y.
That's Lauren M.
And that's Auden are you so excited for Nochella? - What's "Nochella"? - Oh, it's brilliant.
It's this invite-only show done by the guy who invented the standing desk.
The band's a secret, but it's always someone stadium-big.
Everyone who's truly cool stays in LA, but you must already know that.
Otherwise, why are you here? Well, I guess I'm looking for a job.
Oh, really? What do you wanna do? I just got done telling someone that I wanna do something special, but she'd probably tell you all the things I wanna do are unrealistic, like working as a stylist or writing for a fashion magazine.
But none of those things are unrealistic.
See, thank you, and normally I try to have a really positive attitude.
No, no, they're not unrealistic because we own a fashion magazine.
(Auden giggling) You do? (giggling) Dranks! (phone chimes) "Got a job at a fashion magazine, so there.
" It hasn't even been a day.
Maybe I was holding her back.
We're so excited to have you aboard.
Oh, my god, Lauren M, I just saw Gigi Hadid wearing that same coat at 3 Sycamore.
Ugh, expired, someone throw this away.
Oh! I'll take it.
Um, to the trash.
Oh here is your corporate card.
And I'm sorry, but you can only spend it on food, alcohol, and clothing.
And injectables.
Okay, Forearms, we have got to do something about that outfit.
Give it to me, I'm worth it Am I getting a makeover montage? Oh, no, that's just DJ Masthead.
He DJ-ed Blake Lively's baby shower.
There! Now you look bunchee! What's bunchee? It's the name of our magazine.
It's also an attitude, a way of life, and a high-end t-shirt line.
That's like a hug from Beyonce.
(all sighing) You know what would be so fun? If you guys wrote a piece showing your readers how they could do something special.
Like what you've done here.
That is so bunchee! That's your first article.
- Oh! - Let's celebrate with cocktails! Dranks! Wait, but didn't we just come from you know what, sounds great! Cowa-bunchee! That's not how you use it.
You know what? We're better off without Paige.
You can't run a business when your partner has one foot out the door.
- Hey, Trish.
- (groaning) How am I gonna find someone cool to replace her? Everyone's at Coachella.
Fine! Kick me out! Your shop sucks, bro! Spoons won the silverware wars for a reason! I love you.
Uh, would you be interested in a job delivering weed? Unless you're ashamed of being a drug dealer.
Why would I be ashamed of working in the fastest-growing - industry in the galaxy? - You're perfect.
So I designed a brand-new logo, because we wanna be ready to franchise the minute this shit turns legal.
But until then, I came up with a five-year plan on how to extend our territories.
Holy shit this is amazing.
Whoa! Guess we should call that the Green House! You're right, that was stupid.
You're my new best friend.
(door slams) Oh, um sorry, I didn't realize anyone was home.
Yeah, Paige, this is Gina.
I'm Jordan's new, uh Best friend.
Work partner, we were just gonna Order pizza, tell inside jokes.
I'd buy that for a dollar! (laughing) That's her favorite joke.
Well, I just came home to grab my purse because my new co-editors and I are going out for after-work drinks.
Um after-work dranks.
(giggling) See, that was an inside joke, too.
So, we were all at the bar, and J.
Law elbows her way right in front of me, and I'm like - Hold up, Katniss! - No! What is this, the Thirsty Games? - (giggling) - And then I laughed so hard.
You know, I've always thought the interesting thing about "The Hunger Games" is not only does it speak to the current situation we have with our environment, but such an interesting commentary on the cannibalistic nature of pop culture and how it's eating itself from the inside-out because consumers are never s well, they're never satisfied, it's Dranks! (squealing) Okay, so this is Tony's House.
He's, like, such a sweetie-pie.
He couldn't go to Coachella this year because because he was rescuing baby sloths in Peru, and he broke his leg.
Did you know sloths sometimes mistake their own arm for a branch, grab on, and fall to their own deaths? That's a fun fact, thanks for sharing.
Oh, and, um, Tony was, like, $10 short last week, so you can just remind him.
I'm on it.
"Stoked by my badass new business partner.
" "#Slay.
" "#ILoveMyLife.
" "#LegsDay.
" ("send" chime) I got your $10 and two wristbands to a secret concert.
Is that blood? Don't worry, it's not mine.
Oh, my God, what happened? Your new partner happened.
"And that's when I realized working hard but dreaming harder is what makes us all bunchee.
" Oh, that was the end.
Paige! I really liked it.
I guess I was just a little confused.
There was that long, slow bit in the middle about business plans and how to apply for a loan.
It was kind of I don't wanna say "wordy" or "boring" or "lecturey" or "I hated it," but I did not not not hate it.
But I guess I just wanted to hear more about something people would care about.
I know when I first came to my dad with the idea for Bunchee - Your dad? - Yes, my parents are investors.
You see, I was in the middle of a grueling, three-week, paid internship in Paris when I realized I was sick and tired of working for other people.
You were so strong to realize that.
And after six years of mistressing, I needed a real challenge, and my father needed a write-off, so Wait, I'm sorry do you guys have any investors besides your parents? Mm-hmm, Auden's nana kicked in a couple G's for the DJ.
Whaddup, Nana? I mean, well, that's, um great, but I actually wrote this article about people who are just starting out and really have to work hard, and Are you saying we don't work hard? I'm not, not, not saying that? Um look, you women are amazing.
But I don't know, there's just something extra-special extra-bunchee about really creating something from scratch.
I mean, I have this friend, and she just created her own business with sweat, tears, and just a teensy bit of stolen money, and it gave her this amazing confidence.
And this sense of accomplishment, and, I don't know, she doesn't just work hard, we she has fun.
She's doing something really special.
Don't beat yourself up, Paige.
You have plenty of time to fix the article.
Bunchee's bi-yearly! It only comes out twice a year? We tried to do three, but magazines are so much work.
Dranks! Ooh, Auden has a good point.
We'd better if we wanna pre-game before Nochella! (giggling) Let's go! You? (Lauren M) Are there calories in soda water? No (phone ringing) (Gina) This is Gina and Jordan.
You've reached Mary + Jane.
We don't check this.
Oh, my God, we should totally go to Ibiza! Paige! Will you come to Ibiza with us? I have no reason not to.
(giggling) All right, who do you think is playing? Like, Kanye or Gaga or Who cares? We're here to work.
All right.
What is that? Paige liked it.
I'm so excited last year, it was a Destiny's Child reunion with Jay-Z.
(all giggling) I cannot wait, but in the meantime, we should grab some more Dran I'll go get them.
Oh hey.
Oh, hey.
You look good.
Thanks, you too, what'd you change your hair or something? I got new shoes.
- Oh.
- Listen, Jordan, there's something that I wanted Shit, I I gotta go.
Yeah, but I Paige, good news.
Turns out we can use Auden's parents' jet to go to Ibiza, but we have to leave right now! - Come on.
- No, wait! - Jordan! - (feedback) - (music stops) - Oh.
Hey, guys, sorry, um, I know you're all expecting some kind of headliner, quality music star, but there's something I have to say to my friend.
You can you can just come down here and say it to me.
Jordan, I'm so sorry about everything that's happened.
Me, too.
Do you wanna go you wanna go somewhere private? - There's something I need to say.
- (dialing) Something I should've said a long time ago.
Mom? I'm a drug dealer.
No, no, no-no-no, not like hard drugs, it's it's kind of legal? Take off your top! No, no, I'm not stripping, that was just a zombie messing with me, it's no, no, Mom, I am not high right now, I'm coming out of the green closet.
Mom, I'm not gay, I look, I need to call you back.
(music resumes) Jordan.
I'm really sorry.
I'm so proud of us and everything that we do.
The special thing it's us.
Oh, no, Paige, I'm the one who's sorry, you should feel free to pursue whatever you want.
Also, I think those Bunchee girls are alcoholics.
I think Gina might've killed somebody.
See? This is why we're friends.
(announcer) And now, Nochella presents Coldplay! - Oh, (bleep) that.
- Let's get the (bleep) out of here.
No, this is why we're friends.
Oh, you're fired, please don't murder me.
(Chris Martin) Hello, Los Angeles! So, yes, that was the day that cemented our friendship, and we still work together.
What has it been now, 40 years? - Uh, yes, yes, 40 years, 40 years.
- 40 years.
And of course, a lot has changed since then.
Oh, heroin is legal.
Yeah! Guess it was a slippery slope! - Oops! - But through it all, the ups and the downs, - we've remained friends.
- That was a good one.
We've remained friends.
And thanks to Mary + Jane, I did do something special with my life.
But seriously, kids, don't do heroin.
(laughing) Don't do okay, grandma.