M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e14 Episode Script

Letter for you, Voskowitz.
Letter from your wife, sir.
Letter for you, sir.
[Mclntyre.]
Hey, what'd Santa bring you, Hawk? Some medical journals from dear old dad.
I hope they're recent.
From the last batch, Pavlov was just buying his first dog.
- [Burns.]
Yippie! - Good news from home, Frank? Your neighborhood still restricted? My neighborhood is not restricted.
There's a Catholic right across the street.
No, I'm afraid that's it, Major.
Just the one letter.
Well then, okay.
Uh, you know what I do to get mail? I send away for things, like, uh, samples and stuff.
This morning I got a free package of oregano and a house painters' color chart.
And it isn't even a heavy day.
- Thank you, Corporal.
- Uh-huh.
[Door Closes.]
- Mail for you, Colonel Blake.
- [Singsongy.]
Momentito.
[Hums.]
Uh, Radar, tell the cook not to handle the food for the next few days.
The flu again? Yeah.
Every time he goes to town, he gets the flu.
- Mail, Radar? - Yes, sir.
Three letters from your wife - Oh.
- And a postcard from your parents.
They're second honeymooning at Niagara Falls.
I do hope they don't give me a little brother or sister.
Yes, sir.
Oh, and that thing you sent away for.
- Oh? - The Tobasco Film Company of Havana, Cuba.
Oh, good.
Just what the doctor ordered.
[Whistles.]
Anglo Chemicals is at 471/2, thanks to napalm.
I bought it at 39, and my United Foundry's up too.
They're coming out with a new automatic rifle.
Betting on destruction to win, place and show? I've got a family to think of.
I've got to leave them something in case I get killed.
Frank, the only way you're gonna get killed is if you operate on yourself.
[Radar Over P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Allied incoming casualties.
Report to surgery.
Now there's a good stock for you, Frank Allied Incoming Casualties.
Oh, go soak your head! That'll teach you to ad-lib with the master.
[People Chattering.]
- Lap sponge.
- Lap sponge.
- Pickups.
- Pickups.
- Speaking of which, what are you doing after the operation? - Clamp.
- Or during the operation? - [Houlihan.]
This is not a cocktail lounge.
You could have fooled me.
You gonna tie that vessel, Frank? Roger.
Will do.
You might at least try to get an accurate lap sponge count.
Get up on the wrong side of the war this morning, Major? - I counted ten, ma'am.
- There's only nine here.
- There's none in the patient.
- Frank's not finished yet.
It's on the floor.
Next time try to hit the bucket.
We might have had to go back in on that patient.
- [Mclntyre.]
Give me the suture scissors.
- Suture scissors.
You know better than that! Wipe those off first! - I'm sorry, Major.
- Okay, close him up.
- Where's that 4-0 silk suture I asked for? - They're on the way, Major.
When you come on duty, you check the supplies.
There's no excuse for running out of anything! I have an announcement! One more stupidity and every nurse goes on report.
And I'd like to make an announcement.
Maj.
Houlihan and I are getting married.
- What? - That's outrageous! - We are not.
- Then go ahead and have the baby alone.
- Is it a boy or a girl? - Give us a chance.
We just met.
- Oh! - Oh.
- What's eating you, Margaret? - At the moment, you are.
I can't help it.
Your ears are so delicious.
What's wrong, honey bunch? Trisha Spalding, that's what's wrong, honey bunch.
Would you like to tell me about your Trisha Spalding? We were in training together.
She married a doctor I turned down.
And now she has a beautiful home with a swimming pool, two adorable children, a two-car garage.
Oh, Frank, it all could have been mine! - That could have been me! - [Whistles.]
That house must have run 40,000.
Forty-five.
I'd have loved him if I'd have known.
But no.
I married the army, and what have I got to show for it? Rotten living conditions, no social life, surrounded by insolent doctors and nurses who don't give me an ounce of respect.
Darling.
It's only the people who know you that don't give you any respect.
And that's because you hide all your goodness.
I have nothing nothing! Well, am I nothing, Margaret? You're government issue, Frank.
You came with my mess kit and my khaki girdle.
- So much for Frank Burns.
- And after you're home, I'll only be a smile on your face your wife won't understand.
Margaret, you're serving your country in the most noble way a woman can.
In the finest tradition of nursing.
You have your commission.
The war can't last forever, Frank.
They'll declare peace, and then where will I be? Well, there'll always be another war.
Margaret, let's go to Tokyo for the weekend.
I don't want a weekend.
I want a lifetime.
A weekend can be a lifetime if you use it right.
I'm not going anywhere with you, Frank.
This is the end of the line for us.
From now on, I'm number one, me, Margaret Houlihan.
And believe me, soldier, I deserve better than you! - Col.
Blake in? - Yeah, but he's busy right now.
Come to attention.
Get to your feet.
Put that cigar out.
Get rid of that magazine.
- Yes, sir.
- It's ma'am.
Men are sirs.
Women are ma'ams.
- I'm a woman.
I'm a ma'am.
- Yes, sir ma'am.
Uh, ma'am, sir.
- Where is Col.
Bubblehead? - He gave orders not to be disturbed.
- He already is disturbed.
- Excuse me.
- Out of my way, Corporal.
- Major, he's watching a, uh, training film.
And it's pretty rough in there bodies and everything.
Since when do bodies bother me? Pretty good, huh? Not much story, but plenty of action.
- It can't be.
- What? It is.
It's Charlie Abrams' receptionist.
She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.
- [Houlihan.]
Colonel! - Whoops.
That's the most vulgar, based thing I've ever seen! Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.
It's disgusting! The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.
Colonel, I'd like to hear your explanation for this.
- Ah, Major, we're grown men a long way from home.
- Oh! - For pete's sake.
- Hey! And truth to tell, the only woman I have to explain anything to is a 35-year-old, slightly pigeon-toed mouth-breather with $2,000 worth of bridge work.
That I still owe $1,500 on.
I'm certain she would find that obscene.
Margaret, there's an even bigger obscenity around here.
It's called the war.
Anyone over 18 is admitted.
Colonel, I want a transfer.
No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop.
And watch your step getting off.
And these two are at the top of my list.
Hey, we finished first and second.
They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff.
They have made a mockery of my majority.
What do you know? We're major mockers.
Simmer down, Pierce.
That's an order.
An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor! - He's not an impostor.
- Right.
He's a genuine spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fisherman.
Pierce, you're the limit.
That's right.
Go ahead, laugh.
Oh, come on, Major.
You know what they say.
"A laugh turneth away wrath.
" Who says that? I never heard anybody say that.
Colonel, I am requesting that you officially and formally approve my transfer.
Look, I am glad this has come up.
Now, I want you two guys to straighten up and fly right.
I want you to accord Maj.
Houlihan the courtesy and respect "accordable" to someone who's achieved her high rank and sex.
I am not looking for a truce with these two shower-tent peekers.
You peek into one shower and you're labeled for life.
- You really wanna leave us? - I really have to.
- Well.
Radar - Here's the transfer papers, sir.
Here you go.
In case you have any second thoughts, we'll keep mum about this.
- Right, group? - Right.
Whatever was, of course, has been.
But we are a family, Margaret.
[Radar Over P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Effective immediately, Maj.
Margaret Houlihan is leaving the 4077th.
There will be wine with dinner with ice cream and chocolate sauce.
Well, there are families and there are families.
- Frank, Margaret's departure is imminent.
- So? Well, isn't that un-zinging the strings of your heart just a little bit? None of your business, Captain Buttinsky.
Frank, one is a lonely number.
- I'll thank you to mind your p's and q's.
- That hurt.
Wanna join us? We're going over with a farewell bottle of"champagne.
" - No, thanks.
There are more important things to do.
- Won't you miss her, Frank? Those midnight meetings behind the delousing tent? Soaping each other in the scrub room? Fumbling with the leather aprons in X ray? - [Knocking.]
- Who is it? - [Pierce.]
Lord and Ozzie Nelson.
- Go away! - What do you two want? - This is the let bygones be bygones scene, Margaret.
We brought you a little "champers.
" - Fifteen minutes ago was a very good year.
- It's especially for you.
Trapper stomped on the grapes himself with his own two reasonably-clean feet.
He really knows how to sell wine.
Miz Margaret.
Miz Hawkeye.
Now that you're going, Margaret, all that stands out are the good things.
If I could remember one I'd mention it.
Fighting, they say, is a form of loving.
I guess we've shown as about as much love for you as we could without knocking your teeth out.
We'll miss you in our hearts.
And in the shower.
- I'd like to propose a toast.
- Hear, hear.
Here's to Captains Pierce and Mclntyre.
To their all-night binges, to their secret nurse ceremonies, to their planting of microphones in sleeping bags, to their childish switching of names on latrines.
All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come as Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.
This stuff isn't champagne.
Champagne tickles my nose.
This stuff eats it away.
- [Knocking.]
- Come.
Oh, uh, Margaret.
Let me get my robe.
I'm in my underwear.
How nice for both of you.
You writing a letter to your wife, Frank? Is there anything in there about you-know-who who used to be your you-know-what? - Margaret, I don't like to see you bitter.
- Tough toenails.
Here are your things, Frank.
Your picture of us at Osaka, your love letters, your mother's date card and Bimbo.
Margaret, Bimbo is ours.
Bimbo is only a dog stuffed.
Take the hint, Frank.
Margaret, this is so unlike you.
No, it's not.
If I'd have been more like me, you maybe would have liked me more.
- You've been drinking! - Correction.
I am drinking.
Margaret, that's liquor! Right, Reverend Davidson.
I'm celebrating a brand-new life.
Six months away from this snake pit and I'll be a colonel.
- I know a lot of generals, you know, Frank? - I know you know them, Margaret.
And a few lieutenant colonels and one pretty nifty warrant officer who used to be a masseur.
- Do you want a slug, Frank? - This does not become you, Margaret.
Oh.
What becomes me, Frank? Hanging around delousing tents, meeting in laundry trucks? Frank, I believe you have my leather-bound copy of the army officers' guide, my cuticle scissors, tweezers and my Doris Day scrapbook.
I would like them back, please.
This is a terrible way for two friends to part, Margaret.
"Two friends," Frank? What are you doing, rehearsing a letter to your wife home? "Darling, did I mention my friend Maj.
Houlihan "has been transferred? You would have liked him.
Swell guy.
" They're out of champagne.
- I think you've had enough, Margaret.
- Who asked you? Ferret face.
Read that back, Radar.
Yes, sir.
"Tobasco Film Company, Box 245, Havana, Cuba.
"Dear sirs, Thank you for your recent shipment.
"I would like to order some additional film from your catalog - "number 467, Paulina Paris and her Pelican.
- Her Pelican.
- "Also, number 26 216, - 216.
Right.
[Together.]
Francine Laflame and her Tassles in the Air.
" - Uh, sir? - Hmm? Do you think they could get anything of Flash Gordon? Maybe next time, Radar.
Keep going, will you? Yes, sir.
"Enclosed please find a check for 29.
95 "to cover the cost of film, postage and handling.
"Please send as soon as possible.
Sincerely yours" Oh, uh, uh, uh, just sign your name again, Radar.
You know.
I mean, it might not look too good if I, uh Well, you know.
Just sign your name.
- I'll get this out right away.
- Get that out right away, please.
Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, [Slurred Speech.]
Which I haven't done yet.
- Uh, how do you get into this thing? - Is there something you want? I thought a little farewell drink major, colonel.
Looks like you've already been dipping your bill.
You sure you won't reconsider, Major? No, I've thought it over and I definitely would like another drink.
Okay.
Scotch and water okay? That's fine.
You can skip the water.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You know, Major, you're making a mistake.
This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but we do awful good work together.
Yeah, I can't fight you there.
Cheers.
I need army discipline.
I need a sense of order.
Can't you understand that, Colonel? Why don't you call me Henry, for pete's sake? That's really swell of you, Pete.
Do you know that you look just like my father before he died? Well, a lot of people have said that.
It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone.
I feel real close to you right now.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, that scotch you just poured is rye.
That's okay.
The champagne I just had was gin.
Sir, we just got word, a company of marines has been hit pretty bad.
- The choppers evacuating? - Yes, sir.
Should be here in about 45 minutes.
- Okay, alert all personnel on O.
R.
- Both shifts? Yeah, both shifts.
Get every patient out of the hospital that can walk.
- That's basically everything.
- Oh, my goodness.
It's an emergency.
It's a good thing I'm a nurse.
- What's cooking, Henry? - A lot of hurt people coming in marines.
- Could be a long stretch.
- Marines? That means youngsters.
Boy, I'd give $50 to see a varicose vein.
- Give me the money and I'll drop my pants.
- Everything's ready, sir.
- Did you make sure all the hospital beds are available? - Every available bed's available.
- Okay, call and make sure the helipad is clear.
- Yes, sir.
Okay.
Oh.
Corporal.
I wonder if I can see Col.
Blake? I wonder if you can too.
Maj.
Margan Houlihet reporting for duty, sir.
Boy, drunk as a skunk.
- She's tanked.
- A fine time to make a drinking debut.
Where are the casualties, sir? Now just hold your horses.
They're not even here yet.
Well, then let's go get 'em, sir.
I'll drive.
Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.
Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am.
[Both Laughing.]
- You'd better go to your tent, Major.
- I can't operate in my tent.
You're doing okay so far.
- Go salute yourself! - [Laughing.]
That's it.
Come on.
We better get her out of here.
Sober her up.
- We're gonna need her tonight.
- Why us? Because there are a lot of people here who might enjoy seeing this get on her record.
- And we wouldn't? - I think you guys are in a different league.
Besides, I'm ordering you to do it.
- Please? - You said the magic word.
- Where are we going? - Never you mind.
[Screaming.]
- What are you doing? - New surgical procedure.
You have to scrub up from head to toe in your clothes.
That's ridiculous.
[Laughing.]
I like it.
More.
[Laughter Continues.]
You wanna know something? You really wanna know something? - No.
- Okay.
- What? - I really could have gone for you.
Well, it's been known to happen.
Not you.
Him.
That curly blond hair and that crooked smile.
And you're really built, too, you know, you son of a gun.
And there you were out of uniform, unshaven, no sirs, no salute, no nothing.
That's when I fell in love with him.
So, where did that leave me? I turned to that no-lip, chalk-skinned, sniveling wife lover.
- Frank Burns.
- Yes.
Did either of you ever kiss Frank? - Not me.
How about you? - I was hoping maybe this New Year's Eve.
I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but Frank Burns is a lipless wonder.
Come on now.
Down the hatch.
Ow! What was that? A load of B-1 to get you on your feet again.
And I didn't get you anything.
- Richardson.
- Lap sponge.
- Number ten blade.
- Gonna do a little cutting, Frank? Well, as long as I'm there, I thought I'd go after the appendix.
That's not the appendix, Frank.
That's my pinky.
And I'm very fond of it.
Oh.
- Forceps.
- Forceps.
Doctor? Doctors? Hmm? I'm grateful to you for helping me.
- Don't mention it.
- To anyone.
We have reputations to protect.
Suction.
- Suction.
- You know something, Trap? - Huh? - You really are built, you son of a gun.
Here's some more coffee, Margaret.
[Groans.]
Thanks, Frank.
Feeling any better? [Moans.]
Please.
I'd have to be dead three days to feel better.
Poor darling angel.
Shut up, Frank.
Whatever you say.
I'm just so glad you're not going anywhere.
That's so true, Frank.
Hi, kids.
Mind if we join you? Margaret? Margaret? I wanna tell you how much last night meant to me.
I just wanna know that you're not playing games.
He means it.
I saw him carving your name on a patient.
Huh? All those years I wasted taking showers by myself.
- Now hold on! - Watch it, Trap.
He's got a scalpel in his sock.
- I do not! - How do you talk so well with no lip? Will you listen to that? Terrific, isn't it, sir? Yep, it's nice having the children all together again.