M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e03 Episode Script

[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention! The temperature is now two degrees below zero.
Tonight's forecast cold, with a good chance ofbad weather tomorrow.
Due to enemy shelling, we will observe blackout conditions effective immediately.
Blackout conditions, please.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, ma'am.
And, uh, thank you.
Oh.
Ahhh.
Hawk, it's that time.
- Hawkeye? - He's dead.
Dead and drafted.
You're on duty.
It's no-hundred hours.
Midnight.
I'll give you ten dollars for ten more minutes.
- Please? - Five for five? - Come on.
- Would you take a dollar to smother me with my pillow? - Come on.
They're waiting.
- [Moans.]
Oh, the price of fame.
Rats! - Who'd you bump into? - Just what I said.
Rats.
If they get any bigger, we can hold a rodeo.
- It's colder.
- I keep begging the janitor for more heat.
Keep your eye on a kid named Edwards.
I took a junkyard out of his belly.
Edwards, right.
- [Metal Clangs.]
- [Metal Clangs.]
- Aren't you gonna have it? - Nah, one golf ball and I'm up all night.
He's already had ten units.
- Edwards? - Yeah.
- That's lotsa blood.
- He was lotsa hurt.
- You wanna go over there into first-class and tuck him in? - Yes, sir.
You know, after this war is over, you're going to make somebody a fine mother.
Aw, cut it out once.
[Sighs.]
Hello, Klinger.
How goes the crazy business? You think MacArthur reads his mail? Probably at night after he takes off his makeup.
I sent him a picture of me in a garter belt.
He sent back one of him smoking a pipe.
I think he got the best of it.
Oh.
Captain Pierce, Private Jenkins.
Just got in this morning.
- Sir.
- You brought the good weather with you.
Warmest July in years.
Pardon the sock.
Captain here is one of the good guys.
My white hat's out being cleaned and blocked.
That's my midnight snack.
from World War II.
They're has-beans.
Can't get rich around here.
First time on night sentry duty.
No problem.
If there's anything out there, it'll freeze before it can make trouble.
Yes, sir.
Hey, listen.
Everybody's scared.
Honest? Are you kiddin'? Winner of the Purple Chicken with Yellow Belly clusters.
[Groans.]
[Groaning Continues.]
[Groans.]
- Animal.
- It's just me, ma'am.
- [Gasps.]
- [Gasps.]
- Are you crazy? - It's my job.
It's midnight.
You're on duty.
How long have you been standing there Iooking at me? Not long really.
Just a little long.
Honest.
Get out of here, you little creep, pervert you! Get out! You're not the first one in this man's army to drool over me with your hot, little non-com breath! I didn't! I never breathe around you.
Get out of my underwear! - I'm trying to, sir ma'am! - [Growls.]
- Help! - [Growls.]
- Frank.
- Oh, sure.
Do you know what time it is? The big hand's on two and the little hand's on 12.
- You're 10 minutes late, Captain.
- I don't like overtures anyway.
- I should have been relieved at midnight.
- Put in for overtime.
- It really gripes my cookies.
- Frank? - Hmm? - Would you like to see me start a fire by rubbing your ears together? - Oh.
Good evening, Major.
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- That's perfectly all right.
- I had to bring a note from home.
- What? - Let's go.
Let's go.
- Edwards.
- This is B.
J.
's kid.
[Frank.]
He's been quiet, resting comfortably.
No trouble.
That's pretty low, Frank.
If your pressure was 85 over 50, you'd be no trouble either.
Maybe he's no trouble now, but he's already used up ten units of blood.
Saving it to paint the mess tent, Frank? Take his pressure and pulse every ten minutes.
Have some more units of whole blood ready.
- Who's this? - Abbott.
What are you staring at? Just get away from me, all right? Get away.
- One of your nervous Nellies.
- What's he got to be nervous about, Frank? Just 'cause he's a million miles from home with more tubes in him than a radio? - He's here to do a job like the rest of us.
- Stay away from me.
Hey, hey, hey.
You can't thrash around like that, pal.
- I don't want him touching me.
- You don't have any choice.
He's a doctor.
- So shut your yap.
- You can tell he's a doctor by his bedside manner.
Let's have a calm night, huh? We can both use it.
He's, uh [Whispers.]
Chinese.
You don't have to whisper, Frank.
He knows he's Chinese.
They're crafty devils.
This one's probably not one of their craftiest.
He's got 13 broken bones.
I don't trust them.
[Frank.]
I bet he understands every word we say.
I certainly wouldn't trust anybody who understands us.
Would you feel safer if I put a guard on him, Major? Come on, Frank! This poor bugger couldn't break the four-hour mile.
- I'll be all right.
- Well Major, Captain, I'll leave you two to carry on.
Pst.
Pst.
[Giggles.]
- Frank! - Hmm? You tore up my note.
I read it, darling.
I'm dying to keep you warm too.
- Why did you tear it up? - I tear up all your notes.
You got some real doozies in there.
[Giggles.]
- As well as my feelings.
- Oh, sure.
And those too.
- I've saved everything you've ever written me.
- No kidding? Everything? - Every scrap.
- [Explosions In Distance.]
- Margaret, do you think that's such a good idea? - What? - There's a war on.
- I know, Frank.
I can hear it.
I don't like to say this, but, um You could get killed, you know, Margaret.
Somebody makes up the statistics.
I don't wish you any bad luck, but if you should, uh - and someone got to your things before I did - Frank! - Hmm? - You could get killed too.
Now that's cruel.
- [Explosion.]
- Aaah! - It's okay.
- Get off me! Don't touch me! - Get your arms down.
- [Explosion.]
Stop! Make 'em stop.
Please! Make 'em stop.
Just what the war needed, extra innings.
- Radar.
- [Explosion.]
- 386! Six! Like a nine sitting down.
- I want you to make a call.
I'm trying to get the shelling stopped.
It's outgoing.
[Explosion.]
- That's our stuff? - We can't let them have all the fun.
- [Explosion.]
- 386? This is MASH 4077.
- Can you cut the heavy overhead stuff? We're a hospital here.
- [Explosions Continue.]
- We got patients.
- What? He's got a suggestion, but I think it's physically impossible.
- Give me the phone.
Who is this? - Lieutenant Gage.
Lieutenant Gage, Captain Pierce here.
Those shells of yours are bouncing our guys right out of their beds.
Give us a break, huh? We're on the same team.
Uh-huh.
- What did he say? - You're right, Radar.
He's got a lot to learn about anatomy.
- Get Colonel Potter over here on the double.
- At this hour? I can't do that.
- How'd you like a mouse in your milk? - On the double.
- Halt! - Aaah! - Who goes there? - It's me.
- Halt or I'll shoot.
- I can't get more halted.
Take it easy.
- What's going on? - This bonehead was gonna shoot me.
Did you give the password? He didn't ask.
You dumb kid.
Sorry, Margaret.
Don't let one mistake rattle you.
You'll get the hang of it.
- [Door Bangs.]
- You just watch me.
Halt! - Who goes there? - It's me, Major Burns.
- What's the password? - Ah, Caribbean.
I thought it was "Carib-eean.
" It's the same thing, you simp.
- Advance and be recognized, sir! - Blow it out your nose.
See? [Explosion.]
- What? - What? - What is it? - The artillery, sir.
- Artillery? - [Explosion.]
It's ours.
Colonel, it's disturbing the patients.
Captain Pierce says to tell you he requests you do something.
- And? - That's it, sir.
[Explosion.]
- Yeah, all right.
Let's go.
- Would you like your helmet, sir? We'll stop at the latrine.
Well? He's still down.
He's not doing very well at all.
- Let's give him two more units.
- Yes, Doctor.
Major? This is Colonel Potter.
Bird Colonel Sherman Potter.
Do you read me, Major? Good! Now can it or move it.
Got that, Major? Good! [Gunshot.]
Oh.
Oh.
My gun went off.
I don't know how.
He's not gonna die, is he? It's my first day.
- It's all right.
- Of course he's not gonna die.
- Sit down.
- The pain The pain - I forgive you, kid.
- I didn't mean it.
Honest.
- It's nothing.
Klinger, it's just a scratch.
- There it goes.
- My whole life is passing in front of me.
Ma! Pa! - Have we got the right shoulder? - LaVerne.
Good-bye.
So long, Harry.
Frieda.
- Klinger! - Paul.
Oh, I'm coming, Uncle Jake.
- Klinger, you're all right.
- Was the gun loaded? - The lights are fading.
I'm too young.
No! No! - Could you at least bleed? - [Grunts.]
- What is the matter with you? Oh, Klinger! - He's molting.
How can I thank you for pulling me through, Doc? I can't remember a tougher case, unless it was removing a kitten from my house slipper.
- I can't describe the agony.
- Uh-huh.
Shooting pains all down my arm.
My head is on fire.
I have no sense of touch.
I think I got what Bette Davis had in Mrs.
Skeffington.
Don't move.
I'll get Claude Rains.
George Brent's not available.
Thanks for trying to cheer up my morale, sir.
Klinger, it's us.
You don't have to perform for me.
I will never surrender.
This is my ticket.
They gotta send me home.
I've done my bit.
I've been shackin' up with rats, eatin' swill on a shingle, and now my arm's half blown off.
- It's just a scratch.
- How do you know? What about tetanus? - Nah.
- It could've been of a rusty bullet.
- I'll give you a shot.
- No shots.
I'm allergic.
I blow up like a balloon.
I'll give you an anti-balloon shot.
- Lie down and rest.
- I'd rather do it in my own bed.
- All right.
Go back to your tent.
- My bed in Toledo.
If it was up to me, I'd stick a $1,000 stamp on your nose and put you in the next mailbag.
Your trouble is, there's nothing wrong with you.
If you could get really hurt or get killed, you'd be in great shape.
I ain't got that kind of luck.
Stay here where it's warm.
Why can't they ever have a war in Florida? [Explosion.]
- Radar! Those idiots are still shelling! - Sir, they're still shelling us.
- Get that unit on the line.
- I'll call the artillery unit right away! - Halt! - Whoa! - Who goes there? - It's the colonel.
Oh, sorry.
Go ahead.
Don't you want to know the password? I already know it, sir.
You're trembling, son.
You scared? No, sir.
Just cold, sir.
If you had any brains, you'd be scared.
Colonel Clayburn? Colonel Potter here.
One moment for the colonel, Colonel.
Colonel.
Colonel Potter here.
No, not the P.
X.
Colonel Potter.
Yes, I know him.
Just retired.
Shipped a temple home to open as a drive-in.
I run a MASH outfit.
4077.
Those big guns of yours are really rattlin' our bedpans.
I got some pretty sick boys in my hospital.
It's not doin' them much good either.
Well, thank you, Colonel Clayburn.
That's very good of you.
Potter.
P-O-double-T-E-R.
Jackass.
Don't touch me.
I told ya.
I'm not kidding.
Don't touch me.
You don't give the orders here.
- I hate your guts.
- My guts are not here for you to love.
- Funfair keeping you awake? - He is.
What's the story? He makes Dracula look like a teetotaler.
- How much more you given him? - Three units.
Are you sure you closed everything? I had him open for four hours.
I may be slow, but I'm thorough.
Maybe you just missed something.
Impossible.
I did everything but crawl inside him.
I can't think of what it is except maybe internal bleeding.
I plugged every hole.
- Then he sprung a new leak.
- He had 18 holes in his colon.
I got 'em all.
- You sure? - 18 holes.
Exactly.
I thought, "What a place for a miniature golf course.
" [Screaming.]
- [Screaming Continues.]
- Klinger! Corporal Klinger! Get in here.
Get in here immediately! L - Get in here! Do you hear me? - [Shivering.]
You are crazy! You'll catch pneumonia.
- I want pneumonia.
Double pneumonia.
- Here.
Scarlet fever, the palsy, Halsey, the plague.
Anything! He got shot by accident.
Terminal graze.
These beds are for real casualties.
I'd say Klinger's sanity is certainly a casualty.
Congratulations.
You may really be sick.
You get me well, I'll kill ya.
- Shut up! - You shut up! You both shut up! Welcome to One Man's Family.
[Explosion.]
Damn colonels! Can't trust any of'em.
Uh, General Morrison? One moment.
Your call to General Morrison, sir.
One moment, sir.
Nate? Sherm.
Sherman Potter.
Fine.
Fine.
How's Violet? Oh, swell.
Who? Oh, he's a very good man.
I'm sure he can help get the swelling down.
You could use one of her legs for an umbrella stand.
Nate, you gotta move those guns of yours.
They're putting me out of business.
Can't you send them down the road? Thanks a million, Nate.
I knew you'd come through.
Send my love to Vi.
I'll say a prayer for her legs.
What? Still, huh? Try hotter water.
In your helmet.
Sit and soak in your helmet for a few days.
That should do it.
Thanks again, Nate.
Yeah, good-bye.
- Always go to the top, Radar.
- You're closer to it than me, sir.
[Margaret.]
That's the last unit of B-positive, Doctors.
- It'll never be enough.
- No.
I have to open him up again.
Right.
I'll start cross matching volunteers in the mess tent.
Wake those volunteers gently.
A simple rap on the soles.
Delightful waking people at 2:00 in the morning to milk 'em for a pint.
S.
O.
P.
, my dear Watson.
Hold it, Doc.
Don't wake anybody.
Not now, Klinger.
I'm B-positive.
Klinger, how would you like a medal? Only for desertion.
- And go! - [Grunts.]
[Explosion.]
[Explosion.]
Oh! Ooh.
I hope he gets stuck in his helmet.
[Explosion.]
- Take cover! - Good luck.
- You okay, Klinger? - Get off me, will ya? I'll kill ya! You're gonna kill yourself if you pull out those tubes! - I don't care.
I wanna die.
- [Explosion.]
[Screams.]
Don't Watch your hands! - Help me.
- I don't have to put up with any fresh stuff! He's not gonna commit suicide and make a pass at the same time.
Well, I don't have to take any of that fresh stuff! Get a sedative, will ya? A glass of warm milk.
Anything.
Will you stop? - [Grunts.]
- Oh! Don't Don't bite me.
- He's biting me.
- [Straining.]
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Get the right rump.
Ow! [Grunts, Moans.]
- Good shooting, Margaret.
- Thank you, Doctor.
I won't say a word to anybody about being in bed together.
Check those tubes.
You hear that? I don't hear anything.
Know what that "anything" is? Silence.
The shelling stopped.
It's all over.
Thank God.
You hungry? year for beans.
[Margaret.]
That was good work, Doctor.
I think the kid's out of the woods.
Let me operate on a guy three or four times, I'm gonna get it right.
- Like us to see you home, Margaret? - You don't have to.
What if someone knocks you down and takes advantage? Let's get inside before we do.
Guess who didn't come home last night.
- Frank! - Aaah! - What are you doing? - Huh? - What are you doing? - Uh Have you got a pencil? - Have l - Well, I came in and, uh Uh, I was gonna leave you a note.
And, and, and I didn't have any pencil.
Note? I looked in your nightstand.
You didn't have a pencil.
I found some paper.