M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e13 Episode Script
Z413 - No Laughing Matter
##[Jukebox.
Big Band.]
Hey, Hawk.
Here we go.
Here's a good one.
"How Secure Are You?" Question number one: "Do you become evasive when asked about your true feelings?" - Depends what you mean by evasive.
- Come on, Hawk.
- "Yes" and "no" answers only.
- All right.
Yes and no.
That's a yes.
Okay, number two: "Is being insecure robbing you of personal fulfillment?" - No, it's being in Korea.
This is a silly test.
- What do you mean? It was developed by the top psychiatrist at Reader's Digest.
Yeah? The way they condense everything What's his name, Dr.
Sigmund Fred? Okay, fine.
We'll forget about it.
Just because I think it's silly doesn't mean I don't want to take it.
Come on.
Question number three.
All right, funny guy.
I'll give you one more chance.
Question number three: "Do you find it necessary - to deal with serious subjects in a joking manner?" - No.
All right, that does it.
All you want to do is joke around.
Here.
- There's an article in there about you: "Humor In Uniform.
" - Wait a minute.
I was serious.
- Come on.
You joke all the time.
- It says, "Do I find it necessary.
" I don't.
It's not like I'm a gagaholic.
Howdy, Captains.
Membership still open in this powwow? - Pull up a chair, Colonel.
- Reader's Digest.
Darn fine publication.
Mildred and I have the complete abridged library.
Mildred can never figure out what they've cut out of those books.
They seem perfect.
Yeah, I love those.
My favorites are - A Tale Of A City and The Two Musketeers.
- [Door Opens.]
I thought you'd want to see this TWX, sir.
Colonel Horace Baldwin is coming here tomorrow on a fact-finding tour.
- Happens every time the army starts running low on facts.
- Horace Baldwin? If I were with Western Union, I would at this moment be receiving a gratuity.
- Get back to work, lad.
- Talk is cheap, and so is the colonel.
Now I place the moniker.
Baldwin's the honcho who exiled Winchester from his cushy job at Tokyo General.
When the major finds out about this, he's gonna sneeze bricks.
[Chuckles.]
Let me handle this.
I want to be there and see that.
Put a lid on it, Pierce.
This is a powder keg.
I don't want anybody setting a match to it.
- Don't worry about me, Colonel.
- No more Horace-ing around.
Well, I'm not lookin' forward to breaking the news to him.
I better fix myself another toddy.
- [Hawkeye.]
What are you doing? - Keeping a running tab.
- I only had one drink.
- Who's talking about drinks? You did five jokes: A Tale Of A City, The Two Musketeers, running low on facts - So, what's the point? - Well, according to official statistics just released by the army, you did five jokes in about a minute.
That's, uh, 300 jokes an hour, You're a funny guy not secure, but funny.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah.
The point is, I didn't have to make any of those.
I just felt like it.
- Of course.
I understand.
- So what you're saying is I can get out of the army as an insecurity risk, huh? That's six.
[Potter.]
They knew what they were talking about when they passed the Golden Rule.
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
" "Forgive and forget" is a pretty savvy sentiment too.
And might I also remind you that valor is not the only thing that discretion is the better part of.
Colonel, I pray that there is a reason why you are assaulting me with Bartlett's barrage of platitudes.
I'm trying to put some stiff in that upper lip of yours, Winchester.
- An old friend of yours is coming to call.
- Oh? [Clears Throat.]
Colonel Horace Baldwin.
Horace Baldwin? When? Uh, sometime tonight.
Isn't that interesting? I haven't seen him since I left Tokyo.
Well, I must say, you've got a tighter grip on your reins than I expected you would.
I was sure you'd Vesuvius all over my office.
Oh, Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge? Glad to see you using some common sense.
What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin who banished me to this flea hatchery? You are using common sense, aren't you? Just because I was forced to surrender the delights ofTokyo where I could indulge in Kabuki and octopus? Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus? I don't care for any food that hangs on to the plate when you pick it up.
The injustice of it all! To banish me to this vermin preserve just to avoid paying me the $600 he lost to me in a cribbage game! Ergo, when he arrives I shall perform elective surgery on the first organ that presents itself! Major, I've got a hospital to run, and I don't want Baldwin in it.
Oh, sir! This may be the only chance I have to savor the sweet fruit of revenge.
I swear by all that is holy on Beacon Hill, I shall get even! - Winchester, ten-hut! - [Whimpers.]
I need a volunteer to stay away from Colonel Baldwin, and you're it! - [Grunting.]
- About face! - Forward, skedaddle! - But, Colonel The last laugh has yet to be laughed, Colonel! - Begging your pardon, Major - Quiet, you meddling little Bedouin! Sorry, sir, but I've had a lot of experience in these matters.
I do not need the wisdom of your experience.
I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.
Let me just ask you one question.
How would you like to win an all-expense paid trip to Tokyo for the rest of the war? Tokyo? Japan? That's right, the Pearl of the Orient.
And all you have to do to win this contest is to know the three W's for getting ahead: What to kiss, whose to kiss and when to kiss it.
Surely you are not proposing Horace Baldwin's? The man who sent you here is the man who can take you away from all this.
- I'd sooner bathe in pig swill! - Major, look at the big picture.
If you're smart the only physical thing you'll greet Colonel Baldwin with is a handshake.
This situation calls for tact, diplomacy and sucking up.
Suck up? A Winchester? Remember, to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you gotta shovel a lot of manure.
Why am I listening to this interminable drivel when there's a perfect murder to be planned? - Good news.
There's plenty of hot water for a change.
- Cut the small talk.
- Did you mean what you said last night? - Of course not.
- It was a pack of lies.
What did I say? - You know what I'm talking about.
- You said I was insecure.
- What are you letting this get to you for? - It's a silly little test.
- Of course it is.
Perfectly meaningless.
Do you or do you not think I joke too much? - Come on, come on.
- Okay, so maybe you're a little insecure.
Who isn't? I also happen to think you're one of the funniest people I've ever met.
Polite tap dancing aside, what you're really saying is I come off like I'm some kind of joke machine that I have to be restrained with a "yockstrap.
" There's more foam in your mouth than on your body.
Listen, I'm a very complex person! There's a lot more to me than brilliant humor.
In fact, even without it, I'm an interesting person.
In fact, I'm fascinating.
- Sure you are.
- Don't patronize me! - You think I'm just kidding.
I'll prove it to you.
- There's nothing to prove.
Okay, you're on.
I'll bet you $10 I can go the whole day without making a single joke.
- You're not gonna let go of this thing, are you? - How can I? - You keep throwing it up in my face.
So is it a bet? - Okay.
For you I'll take the bet.
But it has to be just between you and me.
- Otherwise it wouldn't be an honest test.
- You're on.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, boy, dinner looks good tonight.
- What do you suppose it was in its previous life, huh, Hawk? - These are leftovers.
- I'll bet.
From which war are they left over, huh, Hawk? - Obviously the Korean War.
- Ahh.
- You want some of this fried fish? Sure.
And while you're at it, check the oil.
Right, Hawk? - I'll just have some of that orange stuff.
- Ah, the green beans.
Green beans? They look more like - Forget it.
- [Chortles.]
I'll tell you what.
I'll be happy to settle the bet for half right now - and you can go back and talk to Igor about green beans.
- I could go back there and make some remarks, and they'd be cleverer than the ones you just made - but I'm not as insecure as you.
- Howdy.
Have a seat, boys.
- Thank you.
- On your feet, boys.
- What? - Huh? - That's him, Horace Baldwin.
In case Winchester shows up, I want you two out there to cut him off at the pass.
- You can count on us, Colonel Earp.
Right, Doc? - I'll be glad to help.
[Potter.]
There he is.
! Let's go.
- We don't have to take him alive, do we? - Of course we do.
- Pierce, will you stop clowning around? - Tsk, tsk, tsk! Now don't be stupid, Winchester.
- Breaking a colonel is seven years' bad luck.
- Come on.
It's not worth it.
Gentlemen, I know exactly what I'm doing.
Colonel Baldwin, welcome to the 4077.
I don't believe it.
Joe Palooka's turned into Smilin' Jack.
- It's wonderful to see you again.
- Good to see you too.
- Who are you? - [Chuckles.]
Why, Major Charles Winchester, sir.
I served under your fine tutelage at Tokyo General.
- We used to play cribbage together, you and I.
- Ahh, now I remember.
- I never met a man with better luck.
- That's all behind us now and Colonel Potter's in front of us, and captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Gentlemen, this is Colonel Baldwin, about whom I've told you so much.
Colonel, nice to have you in our little corner of the war.
- We're medicine men.
Welcome to the reservation.
- How do you do, Colonel? Aha! Colonel Baldwin, as you live and breathe, thank goodness.
Ah! Colonel, this is our esteemed company clerk, Maxwell Klinger.
Corporal, you will take our guest to the V.
I.
P.
Tent and you will do everything in your power to make him as comfortable as possible.
I will? I will! Oh, I read you loud and clear, - Thank you very much, Major.
- Oh, yes.
Perhaps later we can play some cribbage.
Give you a chance to get even with me, literally and figuratively.
Kind of, uh, pressing your luck, aren't you? Well, if my incredible good fortune should run out it would be an honor to lose to someone of your skill.
That's my boy, sir.
This way, Your VI P-ness.
- Major, you were kind, courteous and every bit the gentleman.
- Hmm? What do you have up your sleeve? Maybe a gun.
Does a Winchester carry a Derringer, hmm? It seems unlikely.
Gentlemen, the answer is very simple.
This morning I received some sage advice to forgive, forget, do unto others, et cetera.
Hold it! I was the one who gave out that advice and I happen to know I was talking to myself.
Very observant, Colonel.
In all candor, I'm shoveling a little manure for my Tokyo Rose.
Bye.
Uh, l I don't know.
[Baldwin.]
Eighteen points.
You never should have done that, Winchester.
Well, there was no way I could possibly have foreseen such a brilliant execution of daring strategy.
Looks like your luck is running out, and my skill is taking over.
- Here's mud in your eye.
- Inevitable it should come to an end sooner or later.
Ahh.
Eh, this hooch is top-notch.
Yes, 18-year-old cognac often is.
As a matter of fact, I procured this hooch in Tokyo.
Speaking ofTokyo, I assume the octopus is as good as ever? Aw, I never touch that raw-fish junk.
Give me a good, old steak any day.
My sentiments exactly.
I'm strictly a meat-and-taters man myself.
Many's the time I've enjoyed a T-bone at some of Boston's finest restaurants.
So, you're from Bean Town, eh? Yeah, Bean Town.
Although more and more frequently I find my thoughts turning to my home away from home, Tokyo.
Ah! Bust.
Yeah, double run of three, four, eight, plus 15 for two.
Whew! ## [Humming.]
This is amazing.
In just this brief time you've managed to eradicate your debt of $623 and actually pull ahead $5.
14.
Ah! I had a feeling I'd be hot today.
So did I.
Huh! I have no intention of being humiliated further.
Since your debt to me no longer exists, uh, why don't we hang up our cards and talk about our common ground, Tokyo.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm on a streak.
I'm not gonna quit until I've taken you for everything you've got.
[Forced Chuckle.]
How I love a challenge.
We're running low on this rotgut.
You got any more? Eh, coming right up.
The last of the rotgut.
Eh-heh! So, eh, if my calculations are correct you now owe me $452.
27.
[Sighs.]
I assume a check will suffice.
- Eh, how do I know you're good for it? - Good for it? The Winchesters are one of the finest families in all Bean Town.
We have impeccable credit in the financial capitals of the world: London, Geneva, Tokyo.
Were I there now, you would be counting your money in a matter of minutes.
All right, I'll take your check.
You sure do seem fond ofTokyo.
Heh-heh! Call me spoiled.
It's just that Oh! There.
I have, uh, an affinity for cities where the roof over one's head is not made of the same material as one's trousers.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I hate to be away from Tokyo myself.
- Yeah.
- It gets lonely on the road.
I thought perhaps you could find me some companionship.
- Companion ship? - Oh, come now, Charles.
We're both men of the world officers, gentlemen.
No fact-finding tour is successful if all one uncovers is cold, impersonal data.
Am I to understand that you're looking for something a little warmer to uncover? Heh! Hey, you understand perfectly.
If, uh, anyone should be interested, I'll be in my tent all night especially around 2330 hours.
Do your best, Charles, and I won't forget it.
But you understand, this is not for me.
It's for a shy friend.
- Everybody got a shy friend.
As long as you not shy 10 bucks - Hm! - I'll find your friend a friend.
- All right, fine.
I think that one be fine for you.
And if your friend prefer a blonde, she can arrange that.
- Oh, she has a friend? - No, she has a wig.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello, Joe.
Actually, the name is Cha Joe.
[Chuckles.]
That's, uh, right.
Nice, uh, evening.
- Could be terrific evening.
- [Whispers.]
I, uh I think we understand one other.
Uh, I would like you to pay a little social call on a friend of mine.
Oh, I get you, Joe.
Shy friend, huh? Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
That's right.
MASH, V.
I.
P.
Tent, 11:30.
- Oh, hello, Major.
- Aha! [Nervous Chuckling.]
Father Mulcahy.
Yes.
Here we are in the bar [Stammering.]
At Rosie's.
So, how's, uh, the Lord? Fine, thank you.
I'll tell him you asked.
- I trust I'm not interrupting anything.
- No, no, no.
I was just having a conversation with this, uh, homeless, uh, waif.
Perhaps you were not aware that my family as one of its many philanthropic endeavors is putting this, uh, poor, starving child through school.
Ten dollar.
- She sure has learned her economics.
- Yes.
It's 2330, Major.
I'll take over.
It's all yours, Kellye.
Did you get those reports for Colonel Baldwin? - Yes.
I'll give them to him in the morning.
- He's leaving first thing.
- I'll go by.
If he's still awake, I'll give them to him now.
- Thanks, Major.
- Colonel Baldwin? - [Baldwin.]
Who is it? Oh, good.
I was afraid you'd be asleep.
It's Major Houlihan.
Major Houlihan? I certainly wasn't expecting you.
I know how important this is for you, sir, so I thought I'd take care of it personally.
My, my.
Major Winchester really outdid himself.
Come right on in.
- Uh, where are you, Colonel? - Over here, Major.
- Do you always keep your tent so dark? - [Chuckles.]
Plenty oflight for us over here.
Colonel, why are you wearing that hood? My God.
! - [Screams.]
- [Clattering.]
[Groans.]
What's up, Chuck? Generosity is not the "osity" you're best known for around here.
- Wouldn't you say? - That's funnier than I would put it.
- Dangerously close to humor.
- This is conversation.
Thanks to my ability to fathom the complexity of another's psyche I shall soon be returning to my beloved Tokyo.
A toast to my good fortune and my good-bye.
It's a parting shot, you might say.
- Panderer! - What? You degrade and defile the proud rank of major, Major! - What on earth has possessed you? - I'll tell you what hasn't possessed me: That deranged maniac with the silver oak leaf on his hood! What is this, another pageant staged for my benefit? I swear, I don't know a thing about it, but I love it.
Soliciting nurses to be nothing more than cheap concubines for immoral purposes! Margaret Houlihan doesn't concubine with anybody anybody! And least of all that degenerate! He had leather pajamas! Are your leather jammies missing? I don't have any.
Do you? I'm gonna report you and your very important pervert to Colonel Potter.
- I'll see you at the court-martial.
Procurer! - [B.
J.
Laughs.]
Part of his Hippocratic oath: Heal the sick and procure for the sicker.
I've got to do something.
Major Joe, 10 dollar! Ten dollar I want! Who are you? Get away from me! Why is this happening to me? - Some are born to lead, others to wallow.
- I go to tent like you say.
Find crazy man rolling on ground with black bag on head, yelling, "Get out! Get out!" Look, I swear, I have never laid eyes, or anything else, on this young lady before! - [Whistles.]
- [Gasps.]
- She's got it trained to come when she whistles.
- You Joe? No, uh No, no, actually, I'm-I'm Charles.
Uh, anybody here named Joe? Is there a Joe in the house? I can't stand this.
Laughter, laughter everywhere, and not a joke to [Laughs.]
No.
Him Joe! Ten dollars or break legs! - Give him five dollars for one leg and see how you like it.
- Hunni [Gasps.]
All right, fine.
You've talked me right-right into it.
Ah, gentlemen, the fact that I'm giving this enterprising young man some cash should in no-o-o way be construed as an admission of guilt.
- [Laughing.]
- This is agony.
It's like I'm dying of thirst, and I can't unscrew my canteen.
- Major.
- Aah! If I could have a word with you, uh, in private.
This is more than I can handle.
I gotta get out of here before it gets any better.
- Winchester, how would you like to be on my staff in Tokyo? - [Mutters.]
- Did I hear Tokyo? - Yeah, I'll just need a small favor.
- Name it.
- Major Houlihan has gone to Colonel Potter to accuse me of accosting her.
- You and I could get in a lot of hot water.
- That wouldn't do.
However, if we stick together, we can deny her story.
We simply claim she was the aggressor - and only went to Potter after I rejected her.
- [Door Opens.]
Winchester, you want to explain all of this after-hours hoop-de-doo? Yes, Charles, what did you do with your hoop-de? Major Houlihan tells me that you're some sort of bordello fellow and that Colonel Baldwin here gave you the red-light to go ahead.
I grew up in the military, but I have never seen such deviance unbecoming an officer.
Margaret, please.
You want to explain all this, Colonel? Since you insist, I have no other choice but to accuse Major Houlihan of improper behavior.
My only improper behavior was not scratching your eyes out! - I know where you can get his legs broken for 10 bucks.
- If I might continue.
In an attempt to curry my favor in order to secure a promotion the major made sexual advances towards me.
- Sexual advances? He's lying! You slime! - Watch her knee, Colonel! Margaret, you simmer down, or I'll have you sedated! If there is any doubt as to the truth of what I'm saying Major Winchester was privy to this entire incident and can corroborate everything.
- Yeah, go ahead, Major.
- Yeah well as painful as this is for me to say I must nevertheless unequivocally state that Colonel Baldwin is lying through his teeth.
[Scattered Murmurings.]
He offered to have me reassigned to Tokyo if I would bear false witness against Major Houlihan.
I've groveled! I have endured your insufferable cribbage playing.
I have kissed your brass! But I will not even for a return to that Pearl of the Orient, Tokyo lie to protect you while destroying a friend's career.
Now what have you got to say for yourself, Colonel? - I seem to have all the facts I came for.
- Uh! I think I'll be going.
[Hawkeye On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
It is now 12.
01, which means it's no longer today, it's tomorrow.
This is Benjamin Franklin Berle livening up your dead of night.
Thanks to B.
J.
Hunnicutt, I had a briefbout with jokus interruptus.
But now I'm back to abnormal.
So bear with me while I take care of some unfinished business.
Hey, Igor, keeper of the public ptomaine.
Before you go to bed, don't forget to walk tomorrow's breakfast.
And let me tell you something, Margaret: You always talk about the leather but you never do anything about it.
You know what I mean? And a big hello to Charles, our chief procurement officer.
I guess you found out you can't get to Tokyo on the layaway plan.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And the ever-popular Horace Baldwin is hereby awarded the fig-leaf cluster for service above and beneath the call of duty.
But seriously - ##[Jukebox.
Big Band.]
- Sayonara, Tokyo.
- Sayonara sukiyaki, sumo, sake.
- Charles, you should be proud of yourself.
- Proud? - Yeah.
Proud to know that I will never again enjoy the pleasure of dining with my shoes off? Proud of the way you came to my rescue and refused to prostitute yourself.
[Gags.]
Oh, please.
Don't say "prostitute.
" Think of it.
Instead of taking the easy way out, you stood up for a principle.
Yes.
Yes, I did, didn't I? [Chuckles.]
Well, I certainly won't let that happen again.
Big Band.]
Hey, Hawk.
Here we go.
Here's a good one.
"How Secure Are You?" Question number one: "Do you become evasive when asked about your true feelings?" - Depends what you mean by evasive.
- Come on, Hawk.
- "Yes" and "no" answers only.
- All right.
Yes and no.
That's a yes.
Okay, number two: "Is being insecure robbing you of personal fulfillment?" - No, it's being in Korea.
This is a silly test.
- What do you mean? It was developed by the top psychiatrist at Reader's Digest.
Yeah? The way they condense everything What's his name, Dr.
Sigmund Fred? Okay, fine.
We'll forget about it.
Just because I think it's silly doesn't mean I don't want to take it.
Come on.
Question number three.
All right, funny guy.
I'll give you one more chance.
Question number three: "Do you find it necessary - to deal with serious subjects in a joking manner?" - No.
All right, that does it.
All you want to do is joke around.
Here.
- There's an article in there about you: "Humor In Uniform.
" - Wait a minute.
I was serious.
- Come on.
You joke all the time.
- It says, "Do I find it necessary.
" I don't.
It's not like I'm a gagaholic.
Howdy, Captains.
Membership still open in this powwow? - Pull up a chair, Colonel.
- Reader's Digest.
Darn fine publication.
Mildred and I have the complete abridged library.
Mildred can never figure out what they've cut out of those books.
They seem perfect.
Yeah, I love those.
My favorites are - A Tale Of A City and The Two Musketeers.
- [Door Opens.]
I thought you'd want to see this TWX, sir.
Colonel Horace Baldwin is coming here tomorrow on a fact-finding tour.
- Happens every time the army starts running low on facts.
- Horace Baldwin? If I were with Western Union, I would at this moment be receiving a gratuity.
- Get back to work, lad.
- Talk is cheap, and so is the colonel.
Now I place the moniker.
Baldwin's the honcho who exiled Winchester from his cushy job at Tokyo General.
When the major finds out about this, he's gonna sneeze bricks.
[Chuckles.]
Let me handle this.
I want to be there and see that.
Put a lid on it, Pierce.
This is a powder keg.
I don't want anybody setting a match to it.
- Don't worry about me, Colonel.
- No more Horace-ing around.
Well, I'm not lookin' forward to breaking the news to him.
I better fix myself another toddy.
- [Hawkeye.]
What are you doing? - Keeping a running tab.
- I only had one drink.
- Who's talking about drinks? You did five jokes: A Tale Of A City, The Two Musketeers, running low on facts - So, what's the point? - Well, according to official statistics just released by the army, you did five jokes in about a minute.
That's, uh, 300 jokes an hour, You're a funny guy not secure, but funny.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah.
The point is, I didn't have to make any of those.
I just felt like it.
- Of course.
I understand.
- So what you're saying is I can get out of the army as an insecurity risk, huh? That's six.
[Potter.]
They knew what they were talking about when they passed the Golden Rule.
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
" "Forgive and forget" is a pretty savvy sentiment too.
And might I also remind you that valor is not the only thing that discretion is the better part of.
Colonel, I pray that there is a reason why you are assaulting me with Bartlett's barrage of platitudes.
I'm trying to put some stiff in that upper lip of yours, Winchester.
- An old friend of yours is coming to call.
- Oh? [Clears Throat.]
Colonel Horace Baldwin.
Horace Baldwin? When? Uh, sometime tonight.
Isn't that interesting? I haven't seen him since I left Tokyo.
Well, I must say, you've got a tighter grip on your reins than I expected you would.
I was sure you'd Vesuvius all over my office.
Oh, Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge? Glad to see you using some common sense.
What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin who banished me to this flea hatchery? You are using common sense, aren't you? Just because I was forced to surrender the delights ofTokyo where I could indulge in Kabuki and octopus? Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus? I don't care for any food that hangs on to the plate when you pick it up.
The injustice of it all! To banish me to this vermin preserve just to avoid paying me the $600 he lost to me in a cribbage game! Ergo, when he arrives I shall perform elective surgery on the first organ that presents itself! Major, I've got a hospital to run, and I don't want Baldwin in it.
Oh, sir! This may be the only chance I have to savor the sweet fruit of revenge.
I swear by all that is holy on Beacon Hill, I shall get even! - Winchester, ten-hut! - [Whimpers.]
I need a volunteer to stay away from Colonel Baldwin, and you're it! - [Grunting.]
- About face! - Forward, skedaddle! - But, Colonel The last laugh has yet to be laughed, Colonel! - Begging your pardon, Major - Quiet, you meddling little Bedouin! Sorry, sir, but I've had a lot of experience in these matters.
I do not need the wisdom of your experience.
I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.
Let me just ask you one question.
How would you like to win an all-expense paid trip to Tokyo for the rest of the war? Tokyo? Japan? That's right, the Pearl of the Orient.
And all you have to do to win this contest is to know the three W's for getting ahead: What to kiss, whose to kiss and when to kiss it.
Surely you are not proposing Horace Baldwin's? The man who sent you here is the man who can take you away from all this.
- I'd sooner bathe in pig swill! - Major, look at the big picture.
If you're smart the only physical thing you'll greet Colonel Baldwin with is a handshake.
This situation calls for tact, diplomacy and sucking up.
Suck up? A Winchester? Remember, to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you gotta shovel a lot of manure.
Why am I listening to this interminable drivel when there's a perfect murder to be planned? - Good news.
There's plenty of hot water for a change.
- Cut the small talk.
- Did you mean what you said last night? - Of course not.
- It was a pack of lies.
What did I say? - You know what I'm talking about.
- You said I was insecure.
- What are you letting this get to you for? - It's a silly little test.
- Of course it is.
Perfectly meaningless.
Do you or do you not think I joke too much? - Come on, come on.
- Okay, so maybe you're a little insecure.
Who isn't? I also happen to think you're one of the funniest people I've ever met.
Polite tap dancing aside, what you're really saying is I come off like I'm some kind of joke machine that I have to be restrained with a "yockstrap.
" There's more foam in your mouth than on your body.
Listen, I'm a very complex person! There's a lot more to me than brilliant humor.
In fact, even without it, I'm an interesting person.
In fact, I'm fascinating.
- Sure you are.
- Don't patronize me! - You think I'm just kidding.
I'll prove it to you.
- There's nothing to prove.
Okay, you're on.
I'll bet you $10 I can go the whole day without making a single joke.
- You're not gonna let go of this thing, are you? - How can I? - You keep throwing it up in my face.
So is it a bet? - Okay.
For you I'll take the bet.
But it has to be just between you and me.
- Otherwise it wouldn't be an honest test.
- You're on.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, boy, dinner looks good tonight.
- What do you suppose it was in its previous life, huh, Hawk? - These are leftovers.
- I'll bet.
From which war are they left over, huh, Hawk? - Obviously the Korean War.
- Ahh.
- You want some of this fried fish? Sure.
And while you're at it, check the oil.
Right, Hawk? - I'll just have some of that orange stuff.
- Ah, the green beans.
Green beans? They look more like - Forget it.
- [Chortles.]
I'll tell you what.
I'll be happy to settle the bet for half right now - and you can go back and talk to Igor about green beans.
- I could go back there and make some remarks, and they'd be cleverer than the ones you just made - but I'm not as insecure as you.
- Howdy.
Have a seat, boys.
- Thank you.
- On your feet, boys.
- What? - Huh? - That's him, Horace Baldwin.
In case Winchester shows up, I want you two out there to cut him off at the pass.
- You can count on us, Colonel Earp.
Right, Doc? - I'll be glad to help.
[Potter.]
There he is.
! Let's go.
- We don't have to take him alive, do we? - Of course we do.
- Pierce, will you stop clowning around? - Tsk, tsk, tsk! Now don't be stupid, Winchester.
- Breaking a colonel is seven years' bad luck.
- Come on.
It's not worth it.
Gentlemen, I know exactly what I'm doing.
Colonel Baldwin, welcome to the 4077.
I don't believe it.
Joe Palooka's turned into Smilin' Jack.
- It's wonderful to see you again.
- Good to see you too.
- Who are you? - [Chuckles.]
Why, Major Charles Winchester, sir.
I served under your fine tutelage at Tokyo General.
- We used to play cribbage together, you and I.
- Ahh, now I remember.
- I never met a man with better luck.
- That's all behind us now and Colonel Potter's in front of us, and captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Gentlemen, this is Colonel Baldwin, about whom I've told you so much.
Colonel, nice to have you in our little corner of the war.
- We're medicine men.
Welcome to the reservation.
- How do you do, Colonel? Aha! Colonel Baldwin, as you live and breathe, thank goodness.
Ah! Colonel, this is our esteemed company clerk, Maxwell Klinger.
Corporal, you will take our guest to the V.
I.
P.
Tent and you will do everything in your power to make him as comfortable as possible.
I will? I will! Oh, I read you loud and clear, - Thank you very much, Major.
- Oh, yes.
Perhaps later we can play some cribbage.
Give you a chance to get even with me, literally and figuratively.
Kind of, uh, pressing your luck, aren't you? Well, if my incredible good fortune should run out it would be an honor to lose to someone of your skill.
That's my boy, sir.
This way, Your VI P-ness.
- Major, you were kind, courteous and every bit the gentleman.
- Hmm? What do you have up your sleeve? Maybe a gun.
Does a Winchester carry a Derringer, hmm? It seems unlikely.
Gentlemen, the answer is very simple.
This morning I received some sage advice to forgive, forget, do unto others, et cetera.
Hold it! I was the one who gave out that advice and I happen to know I was talking to myself.
Very observant, Colonel.
In all candor, I'm shoveling a little manure for my Tokyo Rose.
Bye.
Uh, l I don't know.
[Baldwin.]
Eighteen points.
You never should have done that, Winchester.
Well, there was no way I could possibly have foreseen such a brilliant execution of daring strategy.
Looks like your luck is running out, and my skill is taking over.
- Here's mud in your eye.
- Inevitable it should come to an end sooner or later.
Ahh.
Eh, this hooch is top-notch.
Yes, 18-year-old cognac often is.
As a matter of fact, I procured this hooch in Tokyo.
Speaking ofTokyo, I assume the octopus is as good as ever? Aw, I never touch that raw-fish junk.
Give me a good, old steak any day.
My sentiments exactly.
I'm strictly a meat-and-taters man myself.
Many's the time I've enjoyed a T-bone at some of Boston's finest restaurants.
So, you're from Bean Town, eh? Yeah, Bean Town.
Although more and more frequently I find my thoughts turning to my home away from home, Tokyo.
Ah! Bust.
Yeah, double run of three, four, eight, plus 15 for two.
Whew! ## [Humming.]
This is amazing.
In just this brief time you've managed to eradicate your debt of $623 and actually pull ahead $5.
14.
Ah! I had a feeling I'd be hot today.
So did I.
Huh! I have no intention of being humiliated further.
Since your debt to me no longer exists, uh, why don't we hang up our cards and talk about our common ground, Tokyo.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm on a streak.
I'm not gonna quit until I've taken you for everything you've got.
[Forced Chuckle.]
How I love a challenge.
We're running low on this rotgut.
You got any more? Eh, coming right up.
The last of the rotgut.
Eh-heh! So, eh, if my calculations are correct you now owe me $452.
27.
[Sighs.]
I assume a check will suffice.
- Eh, how do I know you're good for it? - Good for it? The Winchesters are one of the finest families in all Bean Town.
We have impeccable credit in the financial capitals of the world: London, Geneva, Tokyo.
Were I there now, you would be counting your money in a matter of minutes.
All right, I'll take your check.
You sure do seem fond ofTokyo.
Heh-heh! Call me spoiled.
It's just that Oh! There.
I have, uh, an affinity for cities where the roof over one's head is not made of the same material as one's trousers.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I hate to be away from Tokyo myself.
- Yeah.
- It gets lonely on the road.
I thought perhaps you could find me some companionship.
- Companion ship? - Oh, come now, Charles.
We're both men of the world officers, gentlemen.
No fact-finding tour is successful if all one uncovers is cold, impersonal data.
Am I to understand that you're looking for something a little warmer to uncover? Heh! Hey, you understand perfectly.
If, uh, anyone should be interested, I'll be in my tent all night especially around 2330 hours.
Do your best, Charles, and I won't forget it.
But you understand, this is not for me.
It's for a shy friend.
- Everybody got a shy friend.
As long as you not shy 10 bucks - Hm! - I'll find your friend a friend.
- All right, fine.
I think that one be fine for you.
And if your friend prefer a blonde, she can arrange that.
- Oh, she has a friend? - No, she has a wig.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello, Joe.
Actually, the name is Cha Joe.
[Chuckles.]
That's, uh, right.
Nice, uh, evening.
- Could be terrific evening.
- [Whispers.]
I, uh I think we understand one other.
Uh, I would like you to pay a little social call on a friend of mine.
Oh, I get you, Joe.
Shy friend, huh? Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
That's right.
MASH, V.
I.
P.
Tent, 11:30.
- Oh, hello, Major.
- Aha! [Nervous Chuckling.]
Father Mulcahy.
Yes.
Here we are in the bar [Stammering.]
At Rosie's.
So, how's, uh, the Lord? Fine, thank you.
I'll tell him you asked.
- I trust I'm not interrupting anything.
- No, no, no.
I was just having a conversation with this, uh, homeless, uh, waif.
Perhaps you were not aware that my family as one of its many philanthropic endeavors is putting this, uh, poor, starving child through school.
Ten dollar.
- She sure has learned her economics.
- Yes.
It's 2330, Major.
I'll take over.
It's all yours, Kellye.
Did you get those reports for Colonel Baldwin? - Yes.
I'll give them to him in the morning.
- He's leaving first thing.
- I'll go by.
If he's still awake, I'll give them to him now.
- Thanks, Major.
- Colonel Baldwin? - [Baldwin.]
Who is it? Oh, good.
I was afraid you'd be asleep.
It's Major Houlihan.
Major Houlihan? I certainly wasn't expecting you.
I know how important this is for you, sir, so I thought I'd take care of it personally.
My, my.
Major Winchester really outdid himself.
Come right on in.
- Uh, where are you, Colonel? - Over here, Major.
- Do you always keep your tent so dark? - [Chuckles.]
Plenty oflight for us over here.
Colonel, why are you wearing that hood? My God.
! - [Screams.]
- [Clattering.]
[Groans.]
What's up, Chuck? Generosity is not the "osity" you're best known for around here.
- Wouldn't you say? - That's funnier than I would put it.
- Dangerously close to humor.
- This is conversation.
Thanks to my ability to fathom the complexity of another's psyche I shall soon be returning to my beloved Tokyo.
A toast to my good fortune and my good-bye.
It's a parting shot, you might say.
- Panderer! - What? You degrade and defile the proud rank of major, Major! - What on earth has possessed you? - I'll tell you what hasn't possessed me: That deranged maniac with the silver oak leaf on his hood! What is this, another pageant staged for my benefit? I swear, I don't know a thing about it, but I love it.
Soliciting nurses to be nothing more than cheap concubines for immoral purposes! Margaret Houlihan doesn't concubine with anybody anybody! And least of all that degenerate! He had leather pajamas! Are your leather jammies missing? I don't have any.
Do you? I'm gonna report you and your very important pervert to Colonel Potter.
- I'll see you at the court-martial.
Procurer! - [B.
J.
Laughs.]
Part of his Hippocratic oath: Heal the sick and procure for the sicker.
I've got to do something.
Major Joe, 10 dollar! Ten dollar I want! Who are you? Get away from me! Why is this happening to me? - Some are born to lead, others to wallow.
- I go to tent like you say.
Find crazy man rolling on ground with black bag on head, yelling, "Get out! Get out!" Look, I swear, I have never laid eyes, or anything else, on this young lady before! - [Whistles.]
- [Gasps.]
- She's got it trained to come when she whistles.
- You Joe? No, uh No, no, actually, I'm-I'm Charles.
Uh, anybody here named Joe? Is there a Joe in the house? I can't stand this.
Laughter, laughter everywhere, and not a joke to [Laughs.]
No.
Him Joe! Ten dollars or break legs! - Give him five dollars for one leg and see how you like it.
- Hunni [Gasps.]
All right, fine.
You've talked me right-right into it.
Ah, gentlemen, the fact that I'm giving this enterprising young man some cash should in no-o-o way be construed as an admission of guilt.
- [Laughing.]
- This is agony.
It's like I'm dying of thirst, and I can't unscrew my canteen.
- Major.
- Aah! If I could have a word with you, uh, in private.
This is more than I can handle.
I gotta get out of here before it gets any better.
- Winchester, how would you like to be on my staff in Tokyo? - [Mutters.]
- Did I hear Tokyo? - Yeah, I'll just need a small favor.
- Name it.
- Major Houlihan has gone to Colonel Potter to accuse me of accosting her.
- You and I could get in a lot of hot water.
- That wouldn't do.
However, if we stick together, we can deny her story.
We simply claim she was the aggressor - and only went to Potter after I rejected her.
- [Door Opens.]
Winchester, you want to explain all of this after-hours hoop-de-doo? Yes, Charles, what did you do with your hoop-de? Major Houlihan tells me that you're some sort of bordello fellow and that Colonel Baldwin here gave you the red-light to go ahead.
I grew up in the military, but I have never seen such deviance unbecoming an officer.
Margaret, please.
You want to explain all this, Colonel? Since you insist, I have no other choice but to accuse Major Houlihan of improper behavior.
My only improper behavior was not scratching your eyes out! - I know where you can get his legs broken for 10 bucks.
- If I might continue.
In an attempt to curry my favor in order to secure a promotion the major made sexual advances towards me.
- Sexual advances? He's lying! You slime! - Watch her knee, Colonel! Margaret, you simmer down, or I'll have you sedated! If there is any doubt as to the truth of what I'm saying Major Winchester was privy to this entire incident and can corroborate everything.
- Yeah, go ahead, Major.
- Yeah well as painful as this is for me to say I must nevertheless unequivocally state that Colonel Baldwin is lying through his teeth.
[Scattered Murmurings.]
He offered to have me reassigned to Tokyo if I would bear false witness against Major Houlihan.
I've groveled! I have endured your insufferable cribbage playing.
I have kissed your brass! But I will not even for a return to that Pearl of the Orient, Tokyo lie to protect you while destroying a friend's career.
Now what have you got to say for yourself, Colonel? - I seem to have all the facts I came for.
- Uh! I think I'll be going.
[Hawkeye On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
It is now 12.
01, which means it's no longer today, it's tomorrow.
This is Benjamin Franklin Berle livening up your dead of night.
Thanks to B.
J.
Hunnicutt, I had a briefbout with jokus interruptus.
But now I'm back to abnormal.
So bear with me while I take care of some unfinished business.
Hey, Igor, keeper of the public ptomaine.
Before you go to bed, don't forget to walk tomorrow's breakfast.
And let me tell you something, Margaret: You always talk about the leather but you never do anything about it.
You know what I mean? And a big hello to Charles, our chief procurement officer.
I guess you found out you can't get to Tokyo on the layaway plan.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And the ever-popular Horace Baldwin is hereby awarded the fig-leaf cluster for service above and beneath the call of duty.
But seriously - ##[Jukebox.
Big Band.]
- Sayonara, Tokyo.
- Sayonara sukiyaki, sumo, sake.
- Charles, you should be proud of yourself.
- Proud? - Yeah.
Proud to know that I will never again enjoy the pleasure of dining with my shoes off? Proud of the way you came to my rescue and refused to prostitute yourself.
[Gags.]
Oh, please.
Don't say "prostitute.
" Think of it.
Instead of taking the easy way out, you stood up for a principle.
Yes.
Yes, I did, didn't I? [Chuckles.]
Well, I certainly won't let that happen again.