M*A*S*H (MASH) s10e20 Episode Script

- Peas or carrots, sir? - A little of each will be fine.
Good, 'cause I don't know which is which.
- And some mashed potatoes.
- Those aren't mashed potatoes, sir.
- It's congealed grease.
- Perhaps some other war.
Back from the old swimming hole, eh, Huck? - I see you're a foot soldier now.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Excuse me one minute.
What in the hell are you doing? - Aha! Just as I thought.
- Hey, what are you doing? Gotcha.
Thought you were a smart guy, huh? - Pierce, are you out of your mind? - Really, Hawkeye.
These are my socks.
Look at this, look at this.
"B.
F.
P.
" That's me.
What a touching reunion, "B.
" Is it too much to ask that we postpone it until after I have finished my dinner? - Well, what have you got to say for yourself? - Can I borrow your socks? Pierce, I really don't see the big catastrophe here.
I'm sure he didn't realize they were yours.
Oh, of course not, how could he know? They were just lying around in my footlocker.
I'm sorry.
I'll wash them out and give them back.
After they've been on those big feet? The last socks you borrowed I'm now using as a winter coat.
Honestly, Hawkeye, don't you think you're overreacting a little? Have you ever rubbed the tops of your toes with sandpaper? It's only a little less painful than wearing combat boots without socks.
Big deal! I'll buy you another pair.
Socks is not the issue.
Privacy is the issue! Your foot is invading our privacy.
You went into my footlocker without even asking me and took my last pair of socks! - And it wasn't the first time either! - Pierce, Pierce.
I will buy you a dozen pair of argyles if you'll kindly shut up and let me eat my dinner in peace.
All right.
I've made my point.
I won't say another word.
Folks, I've got a little personal dilemma maybe you can help me solve.
- What's the matter, sir? - Mildred's got a birthday coming up.
And I'm plum out of ideas.
I'm sure she'll love whatever you get for her, sir.
Last year I got her some fleece-lined mukluks.
Now how does she expect me to top that? - Boy, I wish I were in her shoes.
- Huh? - Oh, nothing, nothing.
- Oh.
I thought you weren't gonna say another word.
Colonel, why don't you send her something Korean? The local artists do beautiful watercolor landscapes.
Thanks, Padre, but Mildred's not too keen on pictures of trees and mountains.
She always says, "Why don't you open the drapes and see the real thing?" Besides, the only thing I want to remember about this place is you people.
Hot hush puppies! I'm gonna paint Mildred a picture of the whole gang.
- What a terrific idea.
- Well, she's heard so much about all of you it'll be like having you come for a permanent visit.
- May I please finish my dinner first? - Of course.
But be in my office first thing in the morning.
And wear your best smiles.
He'll probably wear mine.
Excuse me.
Hey, that's my pillow.
Yes, and these are my eyes, which your light is in.
I need this light to read my book.
Well, you wouldn't if you read it during the daytime.
During the daytime, I was busy chasing socks.
Yes, daytime is for talking.
Nighttime is for sleeping.
- Forget it.
- We're over here fighting for democracy.
All those in favor of turning out the light say "aye.
" - Aye! - Sorry, the polls closed at sundown.
I will turn off this light when and only when I get to the end of this book.
Very well, Pierce.
You are now at the end of your book.
Good night.
Just a minute! Morning, Captain.
Going to a sock hop? Subtle, but unamusing.
Uh, Captain, your friends over there wanted me to tell you that there's an empty seat over there.
- That's fine by me.
I'm in better company alone.
- You're really on the outs.
Do you have any idea how tough it is to live in the same shoe box with a couple of irrational jackasses? Yeah, I know.
They were just complaining how tough it is to live with one.
- What a rotten thing to say.
- Listen, maybe I have a solution for you.
- What? - A friend of mine, Sergeant Caruso he's been renting a hut behind Rosie's, strictly for entertainment purposes.
Anyway, he's shipping out.
And he needs somebody to take over the rent.
- You interested? - I don't know.
Moving out of the Swamp seems a little drastic.
I was thinking more along the lines of a murder-suicide thing.
Well, it's up to you.
- If you change your mind, let me know.
- You'll be the first.
Okay, everybody.
Big smiles for Mildred.
Can't you fellas in the back close ranks a bit? - We can.
We choose not to.
- Colonel, I want to be in another row.
- I want to be in another painting.
- Will you three stop it? - You're behaving like five-year-olds.
- Are not.
Ten-hut.
! Close ranks.
That's more like it.
Stay happy till I tell you to stop.
Be sure to get Hawkeye's socks in the picture.
He doesn't like to go anywhere without them.
You're gonna need very light paint for B.
J.
's fingers.
Uh, Winchester Mildred doesn't care anything about looking at your tonsils.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I can't imagine why I'm so tired.
Unless it has something to do with being kept awake half the night.
This jerk tore my book apart.
- Because this jerk was reading till 2:00 in the morning.
- You're all acting like jerks.
You stay out of this, Father.
You live alone.
- Just like you, Pierce, to pick on a priest.
- Oh, shut up.
You live alone too.
- Can't we just be quiet and get this over with? - So do you.
This creep threw a light in my face.
How can the colonel paint with this racket? - Imagine trying to sleep through this.
- You destroyed my book, fascist! Enough, enough! I don't know what's gotten into you swamp rats.
But you're ruining this picture for everybody.
Now, I want you all to get out of here right now.
But, Colonel, what about the gift for Mrs.
Potter? Don't worry, Padre.
I ain't gonna disappoint Mildred.
Come hell or high blood pressure, I'm gonna get that thing done.
Now I don't wanna waste any more time on you people.
I can't work like this.
Shoo! - I think you will like it here.
- It's exquisite.
- Oh, this front door.
- Also back door.
Which is good.
I hate to carry around a lot of keys.
Take good look around.
Ah, there's nothing like the smell of new-mown floor.
- You no like? - Well, it's not exactly the Plaza.
- But let me ask you, does anybody else live here? - No.
- Sold.
- Okay, that be $8.
00 a month.
I bring lease tomorrow.
And remember, no pets or loud parties.
Don't worry.
I'm a party of one.
Thank you.
Well, let's see.
What shall I do first? I think maybe I'll put my things away in my room.
Put that there.
Put that there.
Put this over here.
Unless anybody objects.
Oh, good.
Thank you.
Put this over here.
Ah, a walk-in closet.
This here.
Everybody.
Is it too noisy in here for anybody? Oh, good.
I think I'll just read my book now.
Unless that'll keep anybody awake.
That's nice.
"Harlan Escobar withdrew one last cigarette from his crumpled pack "and addressed the assembled crowd.
"'The murderer of Lizzie Poteet,' he said, 'is in this room.
"' Oh, boy.
Here we go.
You're sure this light won't bother you? Oh, no.
Your light won't bother me at all.
Considerate of you to ask, though.
Charles, I figure it was the least I could do.
I trust my music isn't too loud for you? - Oh, no, no.
Not at all.
Thank you for asking.
- Not at all.
- Oh, no.
- Something wrong? Oh, Peg says the electricity went off the other day while she was at work.
Ice cream melted all over everything in the freezer.
She had to throw it all out.
- Dreadful.
- She did manage to save the pork chops, though.
Well, thank goodness for that.
Oh, this is terrific.
The other day, Peg took Erin out to eat.
So they're sitting in this restaurant.
And Erin taps Peg on the shoulder and says, "Potty, Mommy?" All by herself.
Isn't she incredible? A veritable potty prodigy.
So Peg takes Erin to the restroom.
When they get back Peg's so excited, she tells the waitress.
"Next thing you know, the manager comes over brings Erin a big chocolate milk shake to celebrate.
" Boy, I wish I could've been there to see that, boy.
Oh, don't you? Don't you though? Oh, no.
After she went home, Erin was still so excited, she wet her pants.
Hunnicutt.
I really wouldn't let one little accident mar such a noteworthy event.
You're right, Charles.
Thank you.
Well, I guess I'll turn in.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Oh, uh, would you mind turning down the music, just a little? Oh, by all means.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Come on, six of spades, just once.
This is ridiculous.
You're not gonna beat me again.
Where the hell is the six? Probably with my socks.
Much better.
"Chapter One.
Harlan Escobar would never rest until he found out who killed Lizzie Poteet.
" I knew I could find a way to paint this gang without all the bickering.
I'm sure The Last Supper wasn't as difficult to paint.
But then the apostles were more civilized.
Yeah, but I'll bet even Judas never stole anybody's socks.
I'm surprised you could even make it at all, Pierce.
I thought you might be busy setting up housekeeping at your new place.
No, that's gonna take a while.
I'll probably be picking out swatches for weeks.
Well, don't forget.
You're there on the "we'll see" plan.
I don't like my medics moving to the suburbs.
Colonel, relax.
My apartment is only 15 seconds from downtown MASH.
I don't understand all this fuss about privacy.
In jail, the worst thing they can do to a man is put him in solitary.
Doesn't it get a bit lonely there with no one to talk to? Are you kidding? I took this place precisely so I could be alone.
It's fantastic.
There's nobody there to bother me.
Why don't you come by sometime and see for yourself? Well, perhaps I will drop in sometime.
- When? - Uh, well, soon, I guess.
Come on, gents.
Remember me? Eyes front.
I'll be there all afternoon.
Are you gonna hold still, or do I have to tie you down? I'm a surgeon.
I'm not a mannequin.
Yes, sir.
Mildred's gonna get a real charge out of this.
She needs a little pick-her-up too.
Had her hands full this week with the grandson.
You know, the lad's just barely out of diapers and Colonel, I beg you.
No potty stories, please.
"Potty stories"? I was just gonna say the boy had his first pony ride.
- Oh, of course.
- Speaking of potty training, my first cousin We are not speaking of potty training.
We shall never speak of potty training so long as I am standing here.
Say, Major, you seem a little touchy on the subject of potty training.
Could it be that you were a member of the rubber sheet brigade? Don't be absurd, Colonel Potty.
Potter.
It's not me.
Since Pierce's departure I've had the never-ending opportunity of becoming better acquainted with all the Hunnicutts Beej, Peg and the little wet one.
Would you please face forward? I just want my hair to look nice for Mrs.
Potter, sir.
She's used to looking at my hair.
I'm sure she won't be disappointed.
- Is this okay? - Pretty as a picture.
Come on, Hunnicutt, smile.
- Don't want Mildred to think it isn't fun over here.
- Sorry.
That's better.
Nothing bothering you, is there? Who, me? Oh, no, no, not at all.
Everything okay between you and your new roomie? Charles and I are getting along just famously.
Can't remember when I've been so calm and relaxed.
- I'm glad to hear it.
- Yes, we're just fine.
We respect each other's needs.
I go to bed whenever I want to and he plays his music whenever he wants to.
Boy, Major Winchester sure loves that fancy music, doesn't he? Don't I know it? I'll bet he has the largest record collection in all of Korea, maybe Asia probably the world.
You'd think a guy with that many records wouldn't have a chance to play them all, but he does.
It can be done if you have your phonograph on every minute of every day and night.
But I like it.
I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other.
Oh, I'm getting the bodies, all right.
But I wonder if I'm getting the souls.
Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.
- Uh, I have to go, sir.
- Of course, son.
You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me.
You make it almost bearable being over here.
- Excuse me, please, sir.
- Surely.
So in a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.
Of course, of course.
It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.
Come in, if you must.
I apologize for the interruption, Major.
I was looking for Captain Hunnicutt.
Why don't you try the latrine, Father? Lately he seems to be fascinated by toilet habits.
- Actually, as long as we have this time alone.
- We don't There's something I'd like to discuss with you.
Well, you're wasting your time, Father.
The last few days have convinced me irrevocably that there is no God.
But won't you sit down? Major Winchester, may I ask, have you perchance spoken to Hawkeye at all today? - Fortunately, no.
- Good.
L- I mean, I was afraid of that.
Major, just between you and me Hawkeye has confided in me that he's most unhappy with his new surroundings and would very much like to come back.
Well, uh, it's interesting that you bring this matter up, Father.
Because, candidly, Hunnicutt and his domestic tranquillity are driving me out of my mind.
Were Pierce here, I would have a buffer against Hunnicutt's steady stream of wee-wee stories.
Therefore, if, uh, Pierce would like to come back uh, I'll let him.
Major, that's a truly Christian attitude.
But we must remember what a proud and stubborn man he is.
His asking to come back would be tantamount to admitting a mistake.
However, if you were to ask him Now, Father, I too have my pride.
Of course, in my case, it's justified.
But why should I kowtow to him? Well, there's a lot of truth in what you say, Major.
And I'm sure the potty training won't last more than six months.
Your point is duly noted, Father.
- Then you'll ask him back? - I shall think about it.
Well, should you find it in your heart to do so then I think it would be prudent to keep my name out of it.
I'm sure he'd deny ever having spoken to me and most likely, he wouldn't come back.
Well, don't worry, Father.
Your confession is safe with me.
- Reduce the penicillin to 20,000 units.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Captain Hunnicutt, could I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
- Sir, this is a very serious and delicate matter.
- Okay, what's up? Well, I was walking by the Swamp a little while ago.
And I couldn't help overhearing Major Winchester dictating into his tape recorder.
Just don't tell me.
He was ordering more albums.
No, it was to his sister, Honoria.
He was saying what a big kick it is that he's gotten Hawkeye out of the Swamp.
- Is that so? - I wouldn't want to quote him directly or anything.
Quote him directly.
He said, "All I have to do is keep playing my music and I'll drive the other rat out and I'll finally have the place to myself.
" That scheming creep.
- And to think it almost worked.
- Listen you gotta promise me not to tell him I told you, 'cause I'd be in big trouble.
And I might be forced to do something I hate: Lie.
Oh, come in.
Oh, Margaret.
I'm sorry.
Were you knocking long? You know, I get so engrossed in this book.
I'm never gonna rest easy until I find out who killed Lizzie Poteet.
Just put that aside, Pierce.
I'm here to express my disappointment.
I never would have expected something like this from you, but I guess I was wrong.
- Uh, would you mind telling me what you're talking about? - Don't play dumb with me.
To think that you, of all people could turn your back on your best friend when he needs you the most.
- What's the matter? Is he out of socks? - Ah, just so typical of your callous, non-caring attitude.
- This is serious.
- Oh.
- It's his poor little daughter.
- Erin? What's the matter? She has a urinary problem.
Oh, no.
Oh, poor Beej.
I didn't know.
No wonder he was acting so testy.
I can't believe I was so stupid.
- He told you and not me? - Well, he didn't exactly tell me.
He told Charles who told me.
In between laughing spasms, because he finds the whole thing terribly amusing.
That callous jerk.
I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.
- Well, that won't solve anything.
- I've gotta talk to Beej.
- No! No, I don't think you should do that either.
- Why not? Well, you know him.
I mean, if he knew that you knew he'd be too proud to accept your help.
He'd probably tell you I was making the whole thing up.
Well, if I can't talk to him, what can I do? Just be there.
What's wrong, Hunnicutt? Is my music disturbing your letter to the wife and kidneys? Oh, not at all, Charles.
I love classical music.
It could never disturb me.
Pierce, you're back.
Hi, I hear you got a spare bunk.
Sure.
How long you planning to stay? Oh, just till the end of the war.
- Hear that, Charles? He's back.
- You must have plenty to tell him.
Listen.
Sorry I made such a big deal out of something so ridiculous.
- Forget it.
- No, I mean it.
I was a real jerk.
Well, everyone's a jerk sometimes.
It was just your turn.
Hmm, right.
- So, uh, how you doing? - Fine.
Good.
Well, listen, if you want to talk, I'm here.
I'm not going anywhere.
Hear that, Charles? He's not going anywhere.
Thank God.
Now, this is more like it.
I can't tell you how nice it is to see all the little dogies back on the same trail.
These things always seem to have a way of working themselves out.
Well, how long could we stay angry over something so ridiculous? Okay, boys and girls, we're into the home stretch.
Now let's all be real still.
Too late, Charles.
We're not going anywhere.
- What are you talking about? - He's not talking about anything.
Let's all be real quiet so the colonel can finish.
Don't play dumb with me, Charles.
You know perfectly well what I'm talking about.
No, I'm afraid I don't, but you're welcome to continue as long as it has nothing to do with your daughter's bladder.
Charles, you insensitive crumb.
- How could even you make fun of a kid's medical problem? - What are you talking about? - What problem? Erin's doing fine.
- That's not what I heard.
Pierce, can't you ever keep your big mouth shut? Now, now, Margaret.
He'll just go crying to the priest.
- What? - Lxnay, Major.
Lxnay.
- What do you mean that's not what you heard? - Will you stop being so noble? Margaret told me all about Erin's kidney problem.
- I didn't say anything to Margaret about Erin's kidneys.
- No, you saved it all for me.
And you thought it was funny.
This is terrific, Major.
You had to go and make up some stupid lie when I had the whole thing under control.
You had it under control? Who asked you to stick in your two cents? I'm the one who got Pierce to move back in.
Just a minute, you two.
I had Winchester on the verge of begging Pierce to come back.
Uh, folks, it's all done.
It's time for the unveiling.
Listen to this.
Listen to this.
Listen to this.
Listen to this.
All day long, Erin has been asking Peg questions like "Mommy, what you doing? Why not take a nap?" Finally, Peg is worn out and she tells Erin "Honey, go ask Grandpa that question.
" Get this.
Erin turns back to Peg and says "What's a question?" - Oh, yeah.
- Don't you love it? - Boy, that's quite a kid.
- Oh, I haven't got to the best part yet.
For dinner, Peg made string beans and Erin took all hers offher plate, and lined them up and said "Mommy, lookee.
Erin make bean string.
"