Masters of Sex Episode Scripts

N/A - The Excitement of Release

Previously on Masters Of Sex They've invited us to dinner.
They're very nice, the Edleys.
He's a big guy, a former football player.
What do you want from me? I just want you to be aware of all the things you've ruined for me because you don't remember.
You know what, mom? You're the last person who gets to lecture me on anything.
A pregnant, unwed woman cannot be the standard bearer for the cause of-- Cause of sexual enlightenment, yes, Bill, I realize that.
You have made that very clear.
This is not a traditional marriage she's proposing.
Simply an arrangement to give your child legitimacy.
It's about legitimizing your partnership, too.
Perhaps it's your ambivalence that's the problem.
That you live in a constant state of apology to your children.
What-- what if you showed this baby that you were choosing to pursue your passion, not over him, but for him? You parented this book, Virginia-- half you, half me, and now here it is.
"Dr.
Masters and Mrs.
Johnson herald what is truly a Copernican revolution in the study of human sexuality.
" "The American Medical Journal.
" And that's after the grilling Buckland put us through in Boston.
Copernicus? Why doesn't he just compare us to Jesus himself? "The Journal For American Gynecology" says our book is highly recommended, as does "American Endocrinology," "The Easton Review.
" Buckland uses the word "brilliant" three times.
Did you see that? - Four times.
- Four times.
And then goes on, "Well, I will not hazard an answer to the question posed on the cover of 'Time Magazine,' after reading 'Human Sexual Response,' I can confidently say even if God is not dead, Dr.
Freud certainly is.
" But we killed Freud.
But we knew that years ago.
You haven't tried to touch me in almost a year.
Well, no, eight months, Virginia, and I wanted to-- you know that.
I didn't care that it was George's baby.
I cared.
But now the baby is here.
And all traces of George have gone.
Yeah.
That was easy.
No, I want to see you.
You can see me well enough.
Eight months is a long time, Virginia.
I know.
Have you Have you missed this? Of course I have.
It's just Your body It It never quite feels exactly like itself afterwards.
I mean, eventually, it does.
Usually after six weeks.
Often, you can resume sex after six weeks, you're now at eight.
And your body is Not like itself.
perfect.
She usually falls back asleep.
Do you remember that? I know! I would like to do that! Oh, Bill! How is that project of yours coming along? Study, right? A study that's now a book.
I wrote a book.
My nephew wrote a book.
He said it all just sort of came to him.
Is that how it was for you, Bill? No.
Can you excuse me? Oh.
I already did it.
What? I have to get home.
I'm sure he's going crazy.
In fact, he showed me three apartments just today.
Joy, that is a really big step.
Two of them are the size of postage stamps.
I told him that I'd make a decision by week's end.
We talked about this, Libby-- our dissatisfaction.
Yes, it was just talk, Joy.
But if I don't do something about this now, then I'm just That's all it will ever be, just talk.
Bill.
I should probably be going.
Bill can walk you home, if you like.
I'm right next door.
Don't be silly.
Congratulations on the book, Bill.
I'm gonna pick up a copy tomorrow in broad daylight were even babies and churchgoers can see me.
Call you tomorrow, Libby.
I thought the Grape Boycott Committee met on Thursdays.
It does.
Tonight was book group.
Ah.
I just found out that Joy is talking about leaving Paul.
And not just talking, actually looking at apartments.
Well, Paul seems nice enough-- although we hardly know them.
Actually, I've gotten to know Joy quite well since they moved in.
Obviously, my mistake was giving her "The Feminine Mystique.
" I simply said it was an interesting book, I never told her it was an instruction manual.
David Buckland says we've written the most important medical book of the decade.
Reshaped the entire field.
Do you think I should tell him? David Buckland? No, Paul, that his wife is leaving him! Is Is that a serious question? Well, she said she won't say anything until her bags are packed.
She says he'll just try to convince her to stay, which is exactly what he should do.
Or maybe you could say that you overheard the two of us talking, and tell Paul.
Paul from next door? I've exchanged four words with the man.
Yes, but I've shared three dinners and one neighborhood pot luck.
And if Paul found out that I wanted to leave you, wouldn't you want to know? Libby, people fantasize about all sorts of things that they never do-- This this is a preposterous conversation.
And I'm hungry.
The Chinese menu is in the top drawer.
They deliver until 10:00.
Doctor? Good morning.
Good morning, may I help you? "Post Dispatch," "Star Times.
" Dr.
Masters? Hi, I've just read your book.
Really? Are you a physician? Ronald Sturgis.
No, I'm with the Committee For Decency.
I've come to tell you that Hell is a real place.
No worse than St.
Louis in August.
Well, we have God to thank that Washington University fired you before you had the chance to corrupt your students' minds with this filth.
What did you say? I said it's a miracle you're no longer a teacher, no longer a in a position to peddle smut to our young people.
"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Now be not deceived-- Neither fornicators nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor feminists, nor homosexuals, nor thieves--" What if he had a knife? He didn't have a knife.
Well, he had something, 'cause you're white as a ghost.
I'm not frightened, Betty, I'm thinking.
Fine, but while you cogitate, we're hearing from every John Birch nut job with a library card and a stamp.
This one thinks you work for Red China.
This one thinks the book is the work of the Antichrist, and now they're showing up at our front door? Lester, wake up.
How many medical students are there in the US? I, uh I'm not sure.
Well, that's 30,000 copies of our book just waiting to be sold.
It could be a textbook.
The standard textbook on the subject.
We could start at Washington University, where the study was born, after all, and where we thank them extensively in our acknowledgments, in spite of their abysmal treatment of us and the work.
But it's the logical jumping-off point.
Then we could branch out into schools all across the Midwest.
Build momentum.
Do medical schools even have courses on sex? And we'll convince them that they should.
I hate to rain on your ticker-tape parade, but selling medical textbooks isn't exactly a get-rich-quick scheme.
It might take some time, yes.
Or you could skip all that busy work and take on an investor.
Don't look at me like I'm the old ball and chain.
You know that we paid for the research from the fertility and gyno patients.
So if you want the research to be self-sustaining, and you're certainly making lots of noise like you do, then you need a dedicated source of funding.
That means an investor.
Oh, now's not the time for an investor.
Now is the perfect time for an investor-- with the publicity from the book?! No, the book just needs to find the right audience.
The money will take care of itself.
Get me the Dean of Curricular of Washington University on the line and Virginia and I can set up a meeting as soon as possible.
You're going to sell Wash U on the sex class? No, but Virginia could sell an airplane to the Amish.
Where is Virginia? She called in this morning.
There's a problem with her daughter.
It's not the colic again.
No, not Baby Lisa, her other daughter.
You're late, so we're going to have to discuss this on the move, Mrs.
Johnson.
We're not that late.
This is not the first time we have spoken about Tessa's behavior.
I'm doubly disappointed on the lack of improvement.
Although, truth be told, students with divorced parents often act out like this.
Well, that would not apply to Tessa, since Mr.
Johnson and I are married.
Remarried as of two months ago.
They don't technically live together.
That is not the case.
Whatever your arrangement, you're here because Tessa skipped her afternoon classes two days ago, then showed up yesterday with a forged note-- again! I'm considering all disciplinary action, including barring Tessa from tomorrow night's homecoming dance.
I know your work keeps you very busy, Mrs.
Johnson, but please remember children learn by example.
What did I tell you about skipping class-- That Sister Annabelle's watching you like a hawk! You have to admit, I've got your signature down.
And I would appreciate you not spreading around the fact that your father and I don't live together.
It might give people the wrong impression.
What would the right impression be? It's nobody's business, Tessa.
Well, grandma thought I made the whole thing up.
Wait! You spoke to grandma? You know grandma and I are close.
She said if she were my age and her whole school had found out that her mom had written some sex book, she'd skip class, too.
What are you talking about? You have no idea, do you? The nightmare my life has become since your book came out.
No one will sit near me at lunch.
People scribble disgusting things on my locker.
When I walk in a room, people whisper, "There's Tessa Johnson, the girl whose mom watches people have sex all day.
" Why didn't you talk to me about this? Talk to you when? You have me three nights a week, and when I am there, you're busy with the baby.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we not supposed to mention the baby, either? In the second half of the course, then, the focus shifts, gradually to metabolic and glandular changes to the body during sex.
Of course, ultimately, concludes with geriatric sex.
Do you have any questions? Well, it's certainly impressive work that you and your partner have done, Dr.
Masters.
I only wish that I had been here during your tenure.
I could have learned so much.
Thank you.
I-- I appreciate you-- Although I'm not sure Wash U is any more ready now for an entire course on sexual response than they were then.
But I'll run it by my colleagues and get back to you.
We'll call you.
Well thank you, uh, for making the time to see us.
I'll await your call.
Until then, I-- I hope we've aroused your curiosity.
If nothing else.
Well, I wouldn't put it in a stand-up routine, but it was not a bad joke.
It wasn't meant to be a joke.
Well, it was, and it worked.
How exactly did it work, Lester? He didn't agree to the course.
He's obviously considering it.
Well, if he was sold, he would have said yes right there in the room.
It's over? In 20 minutes? Would you give us a moment, Lester? Well, what happened? What did he say? He said he would give us a call.
Oh.
Well, maybe we should make a longer presentation next time.
Next time? Oh, there'll be no next time.
There's right now and there's too late, those are the options.
Bill, I heard about this meeting 30 minutes ago.
I raced here from the office.
Maybe if you'd been at the office on time.
I got called from Tessa's principal at 7:00 AM-- I understand you have a lot on your plate, but, honestly, Virginia, if you can't commit to this schedule-- Of course I can commit.
I'm here, right now, committed.
And what happened this morning, I can assure you, will not happen again.
Are you ready for chapter four? "This localized area of bulbar vasocongestion contracts strongly in a recurring pattern during the orgasmic expression.
" Translation? When a girl starts you know I don't think that I do know, actually.
When a girl has an orgasm, it feels really good.
Really? And then after she has the orgasm, obviously, she has a lot of bulbar vasocongestion.
Have you read "The Story Of O"? It's French, so all of the characters are going all the way, all the time.
Andy Zeitlin, his mom has a copy.
His mom is a nympho.
You know what a nympho is, right? It's when a girl really likes sex.
All girls really like sex.
How do you know that? You you've done it? Haven't you? Yeah.
Definitely.
Anyway What happens next? Oh, yeah.
All right, "Chapter Five, The Clitoris.
" Mrs.
Johnson.
I've read your book.
Have you? Congratulations on all your success.
My goodness, what are we celebrating? Apparently, Hef isn't above shameless and much-appreciated gift giving.
Hugh Hefner sent us champagne? I still don't understand why he wants to invest in our research.
It's not just Hef.
I told you, the phone has been ringing off the hook.
I've got this big-shot perfume guy from New York who wants in.
Some millionaire from Tucson.
Makes electric hand massagers.
A hand massage company? And who says a girl only uses a hand massager on her hands? They're eager to meet, can't wait to put their money where our mouth is.
Anyway, it's gotta be this week, 'cause Hef's back to Chicago on Friday for the playmate pajama party.
I'm not interested in pajamas.
We need to focus on the textbook.
Oh, because everybody knows there's a fortune to be made in medical textbooks.
Because our book could change the face of medical education.
And yet here we are, as always, quibbling over money.
If people want to throw money at us because they believe in the work we're doing, we could at least listen, right? Let Betty and I meet, and you and Lester can stay with the textbook.
Oh, you're gonna meet potential investors? You can barely keep up with the work as it is.
It's not a problem, Bill.
Betty and I can handle it.
And I will rededicate myself to the book, despite the fact that that means long days and sleepless nights, since I don't sleep anyways with my screaming kids and morbidly grumpy wife.
It's Jane, Lester.
Oh, is it? 'Cause it's certainly not the Jane I fell in love with.
Oh, it's most definitely Jane.
Look who it is.
It's Jane! I am so sorry to interrupt your mentally stimulating and fulfilling day, but this morbidly grumpy housewife is taking a little time away from spit-up and dirty diapers to bring her husband a homemade turkey sandwich and a Twinkie.
We're always so happy to see you, Jane.
But we made this plan together, Joy-- weeks ago.
I know, but tonight's the only night that's good for the realtor.
Goodness, I feel like this realtor has taken over our lives.
Okay, I'm sorry, Libby.
I didn't mean to upset you.
I'm not upset.
We just have leaflets to pass out before the Boycott and another book to pick out before the next book group and we have things that we started together, Joy.
I simply mean if Cesar Chavez can walk 300 miles to the California state capital-- You can walk, too, Libby.
Walk away, I mean.
Walk away from my life? Like you? Don't be silly.
If you're unhappy in your marriage.
Because I complain about Bill's hours? Everyone complains, Joy.
Plus, I have children.
And I'm not unhappy.
No, of course not.
And you have so much ahead of you with Bill's book being released.
And, I mean, he's being written about in "Time Magazine," for crying out loud.
I can't imagine what it's like to share in all that with him.
When Paul first fell in love with me, I'm not exaggerating, Lib, when I say that all the girls were jealous.
I had landed the most beautiful boy, the all-state quarterback, and not only that, the boy who wanted to write the great American novel and move to Morocco.
Paul had so many dreams.
But that was a long time ago.
And Paul, I mean, he's a good teacher, a fine coach, a nice husband.
But not one of those dreams has come true.
And I don't see that changing.
Which means the rest of my life is this straight, flat highway right into the sunset.
I will go with you tomorrow night to pass out leaflets, I promise.
Just come with me to see the apartment tonight.
Please? I know you don't approve.
I could use a friend, anyway.
Sorry I'm late.
Staying for dinner, Joy? Actually, Joy and I already ate.
Um, we have Boycott work to do tonight.
I did make a casserole for you and Paul.
For? I invited Paul over to join you.
We thought you could keep each other company and give you a chance to talk.
St.
Louis threatening.
Back to throw.
He's got a man on the sidelines, batted out of bounds.
Incomplete.
Well, I-- I saw an article in the paper about your book.
Something about sexual "Human Sexual Response.
" That's it.
Uh, in fact, I-- I still have quite a lot of work to do tonight.
You know, those academic books can really sell, especially if you get them onto a curriculum, get the medical schools to use them as a textbook.
Yeah, that's exactly what I'm trying to do.
Yeah.
Well, I look forward to reading it.
Although, I don't know.
Doesn't sound like the kind of title a married man should have on his bookshelf.
Actually, we think of the work as a way to strengthen marriage.
Dissatisfaction in the bedroom is one of the leading causes of divorce.
No kidding.
Well, luckily, Joy and I have never had any trouble in that department, so He's back to throw again.
- He's got a man on the side.
- Jesus.
Anderson left the receiver wide open.
It's like déjà vu.
This is just like a game I played against Washington State once.
You played college ball? Yeah, about a thousand years ago.
I was quarterback in Nebraska.
Paul Edley, you're-- you're That Paul edley, yeah.
Washington State game.
That-- that was the 1949 Rose Bowl.
It was.
And by the fourth quarter, my two best receivers were headed to the emergency room.
So we're fourth and goal, I don't know, And down by six.
That's right, and the second I got the snap, all I could see was red.
I mean, my offensive line was Swiss cheese.
These guys were pouring in.
I had maybe three seconds till I was down.
Next thing I know, I look up, and I'm standing in the end zone.
You had to run the ball yourself.
Yeah, sometimes, that's that's the only way.
I want to show you something.
mint condition.
It took me two years to put this whole collection together.
Hmm.
Those look, um those look pretty great.
Look at this.
Ah, yeah.
Ed Weir.
Captain of the 1923 Nebraska team.
He was.
Oh.
George Wilson-- "Wildcat" Wilson.
Yep.
in college ball, then he goes on to win the NFL championship in '28.
Yeah, I did love the Wildcat.
Yeah.
I have to say I'm not much of a card collector, but it's clear this is quite the set.
Um Ernie Nevers.
Hmm.
Single greatest fullback in the history of football.
Oh.
I don't know about that.
Paul, I do know.
One of the older boys in school, he said he would give this one to me for $5.
00.
Well, it might as well have been $500.
And I got my pal Wally to go in on it with me.
It took me and Wally a month of shoveling driveways to scrape together the money.
Then at the last minute, Wally pulled out.
Oh.
I spent another month and a half in the snow, trying to make up the difference.
Well, you know, it's like we were saying before-- Sometimes you gotta you gotta do it on your own.
Right? I-- I didn't know! Hello? I have a cheeseburger from D&W, no less.
I already ate dinner.
A bag of potato chips? That's not dinner, Tessa.
Grandma called-- again.
She wants you to call her back.
I also made a little stop at Vandervoort's on my way home.
Grandma bought me a dress just like that for my homecoming.
It's pretty.
And do you have a date for tomorrow night? It's not that kind of dance.
That's not what Sister Annabelle said.
I saw on the school bulletin that they were looking for parents to chaperone, so I called Sister Annabelle, and-- - You didn't.
- I did.
I thought about what you said, and you're right.
Between Lisa and everything that's been going on at work lately, I think it's a good idea for us to spend more time together.
Oh, my God.
That hardly sounds like, "Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
" You're kidding.
The second you walk in that school, everyone's gonna say, "Look, there goes the sex mom.
" Our entire school knows who you are.
You're infamous now, so if you're going, I'm not.
All right, well If you don't want to go to the dance, then there's no reason to keep the dress, is there? I got calls back from Illinois, Indiana, and Wisconsin.
They're open to discussing the book as a potential textbook, but they do want to hear about it from you.
Washington University? Yeah.
They haven't called yet.
We could try calling them.
Didn't you wear that same tie yesterday? My wardrobe options are limited at the moment.
It's not like I'm gonna be sleeping at the office forever.
Here's hoping.
I've got our investor meeting set up for tonight, Virginia, since the earliest Hef could do was 9:00 PM.
Turns out he's a bit of a night owl.
Is tonight not good for you? No, tonight's fine.
I might have to rearrange a few things, but I said I would be there, so I'll be there.
Which calls would you like me to return? Your hands are full.
I'll take care of it.
Hello, this is Dr.
Masters.
Yes, Bill Masters.
I'm calling to speak to Dr.
Swanson.
Bob Grayson.
Is Dr.
Stern available? I was impressed, Dr.
Kraft, by your symposium on ovarian torsion.
your seminar on endometriosis.
study on fibroids.
So did you see the review? The write-up in the "Scientific--" Oh, this is the first call I'm making.
The first medical school Isn't it time a medical school jumps on board? A comprehensive course on the physiology Sexual response Sexual response Sex.
Human sexual Sex.
Hello? The book, a textbook.
Using the book as a textbook.
It would not be a how-to course, no.
Well, you wouldn't want the University of Minnesota Kansas City Chicago beating you to The cutting edge Cutting edge That is exactly where Ohio State should be.
All right, we'll be in touch.
And, well, my hope is at least I've aroused your curiosity.
I hope I've aroused your curiosity, if nothing else.
Excellent.
Our publisher will be in touch to set up the order.
Any more calls? Toledo and Madison.
How about Washington University? Not a peep.
Get Wash U on the line.
Okey-doke.
Never mind, don't get Wash U on the line.
Okay.
Hello, Barton.
I'm sorry to stop by like this.
I tried to call, but Oh, no, I've been out.
To what do I owe the pleasure? Well, I wanted to bend your ear about Washington University.
Honey, did we already open the wine? Oh, I didn't know we had company.
So last night when I told you not to go to the dance, you completely refuse.
And then today, you called Sister Annabelle out of the blue and told her you changed your mind? Well, you made it very clear that I would embarrass you, and that is the last thing that I want to do-- embarrass you.
You have work, don't you? Tessa.
I have some meetings that came up, yes, but that is not why I cancelled the chaperoning.
But even if I had, I don't understand what you're getting so worked up about.
'Cause I wanted you not to go to the dance because I asked you not to go to the dance.
Not because of work.
Well, now you're just being deliberately difficult.
I will pick you up at 10:00.
And don't forget, you're staying at your dad's tonight.
And, honey, you look pretty.
I also have a berry cobbler, so I hope everybody saved plenty of room.
Oh! Before I met Judith, I didn't know it was possible to go up two pants sizes in one meal.
He's always teasing me, this one.
So how did you two Oh, Judith lives upstairs.
Used to run into each other in the elevator.
Every time she saw me, I had a grocery bag full of frozen dinners.
One night, the doorbell rang, and there she was-- with homemade lasagna.
You had a question about Wash U? Uh, yes.
So I've been I've been talking to medical schools about using our study as a textbook.
I had an encouraging meeting with Dean Snyder at Wash U, but I haven't heard back.
I can ask around, if you'd like.
I'm sure Chancellor Fitzhugh has mixed feelings about the book.
I wouldn't know.
I don't remember the last conversation I had with Fitzhugh that lasted longer than a "How are you" in the hall.
When I came back to Wash U, I gave up the provo job.
Couldn't wait to get back to doctoring.
Now I come in at 7:00, I leave at 5:00.
And the best part is, I'm done toadying up to the likes of Fitzhugh.
You should be done, too.
I'm not toadying.
Oh, but you'll be doing plenty of that, and more, if you're trying to get your book in there.
Wash U is where the It's where the study started.
It's also where you were fired.
Your book is a success, Bill.
You don't need to tilt at windmills anymore.
Wash U is the number-one school in the Midwest.
I spent 15 years there.
My practice got them national attention.
Wash U is where the book belongs, Barton.
I do know Fitzhugh is hosting a faculty cocktail party tonight.
I had no intention of going.
So I figured who doesn't like roast beef? - Am I right? - Right! So your partner is the doctor of the operation, and that makes you I'm the psychologist.
Oh, so you're both head doctors.
You do the big head, he does the little guy! Shalimar.
A classic.
Named after an emperor's wife.
Actually, named after a garden the emperor built for his wife.
Now, you, on the other hand are a little harder to pin down.
Well, actually, I don't wear perfume.
It makes me queasy when I eat.
Allow me to introduce the Velvet Touch-- Electric Heated Hand Massager 3000.
This little baby is guaranteed to cure migraines, cramps, muscle spasms.
It also helps, or so I'm told, in relieving certain pelvic pressures.
So what makes someone in the perfume industry-- Flavors and fragrance industry, and it's not just perfume.
We also do food additives, soaps, hand lotions.
My error entirely.
So what makes someone in the flavors and fragrances industry interested in sex research, Mr.
Logan? Well, as a doctor, I'm sure you know-- I'm not a medical doctor.
My degree is in psychology.
With your science and my engineering, we could completely revolutionize the electric hand-massaging industry from top to bottom, pun intended.
There are two questions that have puzzled me in my entire career.
I think maybe we can answer those questions together.
And what might those questions be? What is the smell of sex? And how do we get it in a bottle? If you got caught having sex, first you'd be whipped publicly.
Then you'd be taken to another location and whipped again.
After your second infraction, it was a hot iron to the face.
God bless the pilgrims.
First in a long line of self-righteous schoolmarms appointing themselves the moral guardians of the free world.
But you are going to change all that.
One centerfold at a time.
I detect a little skepticism in your voices.
Well, you're sitting with a shrink and a student of human nature, let's say.
So skepticism is our bread and butter.
Besides, I doubt this is the first time that someone has questioned the sincerity of a man whose employees wear fuzzy ears and cottontails.
This? This is all just candy coating on the Aspirin.
We're both offering the same medicine here, only I know how to get folks to take it.
"Human Sexual Response" has already sold 4,000 copies.
And I sell I know science is expensive.
I have a foundation ready to provide whatever financial support you may need.
Well, I'm still-- still not exactly clear on what it is you expect from us in return.
Well, you have sterling reviews from the "American Medical Journal.
" I wouldn't mind a little of what you have rubbing off on me.
So I'd like to feature you and Dr.
Masters in the magazine.
I'd like to get your names on the quarterly report of my foundation.
Changing the world can be a lonely business.
Why not do it together? Why not, indeed.
Dallas.
Sorry.
The capital of Texas is Austin.
No, you're wrong.
I will drink anyway, but only because I'm a good sport.
Mmm! - Alaska.
- Juneau.
Oh! I-- I feel like I'm drinking by myself.
Well, you sort of are.
How do you remember all those? My dad traveled when I was a kid.
I I used to tell him how I hated how I never knew where he was.
And so he put a map on my wall.
And ever time he'd go on tour, he'd put pins in the places he was going.
Um the thing is I haven't done a lot with girls.
You probably know a lot more about this stuff.
So I know more.
Well Would you teach me? You know, show me what to do? Only that thing that we shouldn't do.
What do you mean? Why not? It-- it's that time of the month.
Where? You don't seem to be Oh, when a girl can get really pregnant.
And you don't have a rubber.
Next time.
We'll plan ahead.
Well, you can't just leave me like this.
I mean, you have to do something.
Oh.
No.
Not with your hand.
Try that other thing.
You know, what girls do with their mouth.
I-- I don't I don't want to do that.
Why not? You said that you know.
I-- I don't know.
It's in your mom's book.
Jesus, don't be such a prick tease.
Come on.
With your mouth.
No, no, no! Oh! Sorry.
Did I pull your hair? Barton! I see you brought a guest.
Well, Bill had a craving for rubber chicken.
I said I know just the shindig.
I'm glad to run into you, Doug.
There's an opportunity I'd like to discuss.
Yes, Dean Snyder mentioned you stopped by the campus.
Wash U has the chance to be one of the first schools in the country to offer a stand-alone course-- Using your book as the textbook.
Yes.
I could send a copy on over to you, if you'd like-- No, no need, Bill.
I read your book.
You have? What do you think? Would you get me a gin and tonic, Barton? What are you drinking, Bill? I'm fine, thanks.
Beefeater and plenty of ice.
It's quite an achievement, your book.
Although it's still about sex, it's still graphic, still controversial.
You behaved badly, Bill, in my hospital.
You lied to your superiors, you abused your authority, embarrassed me.
God knows you pulled the wool over Barton's eyes all these years.
And Barton is a fine doctor, but he has a tendency to show poor judgment-- and not just in his professional life.
You try to ignore gossip, but when you hear the same rumor year after year Obviously, Barton did the right thing, walking away from the provost job.
Don't kid yourself.
He fought tooth and nail to hold onto that position.
And, frankly, that queer is lucky to have a place in the university at all.
Jesus, you are still a smug, small-minded bureaucrat.
I'm smart enough to know when something's rotten.
Barton Scully with his disturbing rumors, Bill Masters with his smutty book.
Well, at least I've been able to rid Washington University of one of you.
They're out of beefeater, so I got Plymouth instead.
Another gin and tonic, please.
For heaven's sake, Bill, you're the one asking a favor from Fitzhugh, then you spit in the man's face?! I mean, how many times are we gonna have the chancellor show us the door? What the hell's the matter with you?! What's the matter with me? I'm not the one who's fetching drinks for Doug Fitzhugh like some goddamn serving boy! You know what you need to do? You need to come work for me.
I mean it.
I need someone to manage my fertility practice, my OB patients, even perhaps bring some patients of his own.
That's that's what we need to do, together.
I'm flattered, Bill.
But I'm happy where I am.
But you shouldn't be.
He-- They do not appreciate you there.
I don't think that's true.
They listen to rumors.
I really do need to be getting home.
To Judith? You you must wonder what on earth-- This is why you need to come work for me, because I do not wonder about Judith, about any of it.
I know.
And it doesn't matter to me.
Come where you're wanted, Barton.
Where you're respected.
Tessie, I wasn't that late.
My meeting just went on and on.
Well, did you at least have a good time? Did you meet any nice boys? I was the last one waiting tonight.
So was what you were doing so important that you had to embarrass me like that? Tessie, that's not-- I am so sorry.
I really am.
Still sleeping in the doghouse? Uh, only for the foreseeable future.
Tell me that's not all hate mail.
It's all hate mail, but then this morning, I got curious, opened one up, it was a Lutheran pastor from Minnesota asking for advice on how to talk to his congregants about sex.
Who knows how many like that are just sitting there, waiting to be read.
Don't look at me, I'm really busy.
With work and kids and the she-wolf, I don't have time to sort laundry, much less read 300 letters a day.
Let me tell you something about your wife.
She's not a she-wolf.
She's bored-- out of her skull.
She's too smart to be scraping applesauce and wiping snot all day.
The crazy, she should throw out, the good ones, she should write back.
We'll pay her 5 bucks a bag.
Hey, Tessa.
Sorry about the schnapps.
Don't feel bad.
The same thing happened to me a couple weeks ago.
I threw up all over my cousin's dog.
Anyway, I had a really great time with you.
We should do it again.
I'd love to.
We were prepared to recommend Dan Logan, the perfume manufacturer.
Flavors and fragrances.
Flavors and fragrances manufacturer.
But that was before we met Hef.
Turns out Hugh Hefner comes with a built-in audience-- four million subscribers.
Not to mention a ton of cash.
I would like to take Mr.
Hefner's name out of consideration.
What? Bill, we just told you-- Hugh Hefner stands for everything that we're trying to get away from.
- Sex? - Titillation.
He believes in the work that we are doing.
He's using us because we're the "good housekeeping" seal of approval.
Once he has our names in his magazine, suddenly, he's not just peddling girlie photos, he's a high-minded academic.
But where does that leave us when we're squeezed in between Miss July and Miss August? We've killed ourselves to convince the medical establishment that what we are doing is legitimate.
And they are convinced.
We couldn't have more glowing reviews.
It's not enough.
Hugh Hefner is the obvious choice, Bill.
Nobody else even comes close.
Why do people kiss? How did that start? It's baffling, isn't it? How does putting your lips on someone else's lips serve any evolutionary purpose at all? Smell.
Lips, tongue-- incidental.
It's all background noise.
It's what's happening right here.
Smell tells us everything we need to know.
We can smell if someone is sick.
It's not a good idea.
We can smell if a woman is ovulating-- very good idea.
We can smell fear.
We can smell revulsion.
We can smell desire.
Now, this perfume does not smell like desire.
Mnh-mnh.
It smells like a bouquet of fresh flowers, which is telling us what, exactly? The only thing this perfume is telling us is that it smells nice.
I'm not very interested in nice.
I'm interested in a fragrance that says "I want you.
Go to bed with me, you can't live without me.
" Well, uh, smell is one of the disciplines we're hoping to explore in the next phase of our research.
That's why when we began discussing a potential investor, Mrs.
Johnson and I immediately agreed that you were the right man for the job.
If you'll excuse me, I will get started on the paperwork.
What's the story? Married, single? Mrs.
Johnson? Mm-hmm.
Is uh, married, yes.
Is it interesting reading at least? I have plenty to do, Lester, I don't need a hobby.
$5.
00 a bag isn't a hobby.
I got paid $35 to be a banana in that Chiquita commercial.
Granted, that was a long time ago, and I had to wear that suit.
Look Answering the hate mail is not the most lucrative job in the world, but let's face it, you sitting at home all day with our sweet but screaming kids is never gonna work.
You're too smart for that.
And who knows? Maybe you'll find someone who's more confused than we are.
I think I already did.
Debbie from Des Plaines.
"Dear Dr.
Masters and Mrs.
Jonathan.
" You have to admit, that's a pretty promising start.
"I cannot stop thinking about the wickedness of your book.
The pictures come into my head, and they will not leave me-- men and women in all their nakedness.
Hands reaching, groping, skin quivering with lust, yearning to be touched.
A whispering so close to your ear that you can feel the hot breath tingle down your spine--" This does not mean that I forgive you.
I didn't ask you to forgive me.
Well, I don't.
Well, then, good.
Hello?! Joy? Joy? Hello? Paul.
Sorry, your car is running.
Oh, thank you, I I didn't realize.
Is everything all right? Oh, it's, uh, it's it's Joy.
She she collapsed.
And I took her in, and they're calling it a brain aneurysm.
Uh Where is she now? She's at the ICU, and she's gonna be there for a while.
She's gonna be all right? Well, the extent of the brain damage, the doctor said, isn't clear yet.
But it's, um, uh "Catastrophic" was the word they kept using.
She's going to make it, the doctor said, is the good news.
That's That's the good news.
I'm sorry.
Who goes somewhere where they're not wanted? You're wanted.
Here.
I'll be right back.
No, no, no, stay, stay.
She'll go back to sleep in a minute.
what the world needs now is love, sweet love it's the only thing that there's just too little of is love, sweet love no, not just for some but for everyone Lord, we don't need another mountain there are mountains and hillsides enough to climb there are oceans and rivers enough to cross enough to last till the end of time what the world needs now is love, sweet love it's the only