Men at Work (2012) Episode Scripts

N/A - Will Work for Milo

Hey, will you get me something to eat? Oh, umyeah.
Sure.
Why not? Much appreciated.
You mind? I gotta eat tomorrow, too, right? And the next day and the next day.
Yeah.
Um, yeah, okay, I'll take all of it.
Ah! Thanks.
And a Funbags.
Is that some kind of snack chip? Ah.
It's pornography.
Yeah.
It's good.
Throw in a carton of smokes and we're good to go.
And, uh, anything he wants.
Um, I'm really happy to buy you something to eat, but, you know, every cigarette you smoke takes a year off your life.
Oh, no! One less year of being homeless? Whatever will I do? Come on, just pay the man.
Look, um, I'll buy you the sandwiches and this banana, but that's it, okay? (SIGHS) No deal.
I'm not trying to make a deal.
I'm just trying to give you a banana and a sandwich.
(MOCKINGLY) A banana and a sandwich.
(NORMAL VOICE) I'm not gonna forget this, Fozzie Bear.
That is crazy.
I know, right? How have we never thought to call you Fozzie Bear? It seems so obvious.
Maybe I should've just gotten him the porn and cigarettes, you know? I mean, who am I to decide what a man needs? The third most popular muppet in the world, that's who.
Hey, Neal, spin me some ketchup.
Get that off! The turntable is vintage.
I remember this bad boy from your deejay phase.
Oh, who can forget the room-clearing stylings of deejay What was it? Deejay Tyler up, Tyler down.
(LAUGHTER) Why are you even putting this thing in my storage locker? Because I may have What was that? I may have some more musical stories to tell, okay? Guys, should we get the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- ch-ch-check? Wow.
This is an incredible collection of crap.
When Amy and I moved in together, we had too much stuff for our place.
Look, I'm every NBA player at a press conference.
Just want to play team ball.
Take it one game at a time.
I like these.
Can I have 'em? Yeah.
Oh! And this.
Why do you want a clipboard? You know what they say If you carry a clipboard, you can get in anywhere.
I'm pretty sure that's not a saying.
Look, I don't want to be Captain Obvious here, but it seems like the only stuff that got banished to the storage locker was yours.
That's not true.
There's gotta be something.
Here we go.
These must be Amy's.
Those are mine.
Now, are you sure your new stereo doesn't need a turntable? No, just something with a karaoke function.
For when we have guests over.
I lost my phone charger.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Where do you have some? Dude, I don't work here.
Whatever.
No, that's not a whatever-able response.
Your shirt does look like you work here.
No, it does not.
That's aquamarine.
This is teal.
Excuse me.
Where's your bathroom? In my apartment.
I don't work here.
Mommy, is he mad that he works here? But it's a totally different color.
Can you help me out here? I don't workout.
This just happens.
Welcome to Circuit Center.
How may I help you? (LAUGHS) Honey? Amy, we got that storage locker for both of our things, right? Not crazy about the bass in your voice, but, yes, that is true.
Interesting.
And yet nothing of mine lives here.
All of my stuff lives in an 8x12 storage locker that smells of pennies and urine.
Come on, did you really want us to use your futon with the broken slats? Hey, I can't help it if a bed can't hold my thunder.
You broke it jumping up and down when Kelly Clarkson won "American Idol.
" America got it right that night.
Neal, you have tons of stuff here.
You have yourshoes, yourretainer, your hypoallergenic pillow, your toothbrush.
You're right.
You're right.
I am hogging all the space.
Maybe I should send that toothbrush back to the storage locker.
Oh, there's that bass I don't enjoy.
Honey, this is our home.
If you don't like the way it looks, just tell me.
Really? Really.
Okay.
I've never been crazy about that writing on the wall.
So you don't want to kiss me good night? No.
No, I do.
I do.
So, we're good? (SIGHS) We're great.
Mmm.
(GASPS) You found your uggs! Oh, yeah, yeah! Welcome back, Fozzie Bear.
(GUITAR PLAYS OUT OF TUNE) Hey, man.
How are you? I'm homeless And, thanks to you, pornless.
Uh, I'm really sorry we got off on the wrong foot the other day.
"Got off.
" Mmm, that would be nice.
Look, I'm I just I didn't mean to rub you the wrong way.
Mmm? I just want to make peace.
It's a little late for that, Fozzie Bear.
Wocka wocka.
You made the list.
What list? My sworn enemy list.
Tom Hanks? He knows what he did.
He's got fire in his beard And he dresses really weird I hate his face I hate his face I hate his face, yeah Thank you! I don't know why you're mad at me, but I'm sorry, okay? Look, here's 20 bucks.
Go spend it on whatever you want On porn.
On sandwiches.
On porn.
Hey, I can't be bought, chia face.
You know you have a beard, too, right? Not a stupid red one.
You are very hard to talk to.
Here's what's gonna happen I'm gonna leave you 20 bucks, I'm gonna go over there, wait for my train, okay? Hey! I don't want your money.
Youyou take that money back.
It's dirty.
It's tainted.
You dirtied it with your taint.
I don't think you know what you just said.
I said you better get your sweaty Jackson out of my fuzzy box.
Oh, maybe you do know what you just said.
Get that out of there.
You don't want my 20 bucks? No.
You don't want my 20 bucks? No! Fine, I'll take my 20 bucks.
Good.
And I'm gonna go.
Great.
Help! He's stealing my money! Hehe told me to take it.
Oh, right, I don't need that money 'cause I'm living the dream! Hey, guys, check it out.
Now I'm a scientist in an action movie.
That's odd.
I locked this crate.
Dear God.
The monkeys are learning.
(BOTH LAUGH) Loving these.
I'm glad you're enjoying them.
Oh, and just so you guys know, I talked to Amy, and we decided that I'm fine with all my stuff being in the storage unit because I like our apartment the way it is.
She used sex, didn't she? Yes, she did.
Yeah.
It's not about you liking your apartment.
It's about having power in your relationship.
Amy, love her as we do, has all the power, and (CELL PHONE CHIMES) And what? I got a date with the girl from the electronics store.
Have you told her you don't work there? No, but I will tonight.
You could have taken care of it when you met her, but, no, you had to spend 20 minutes deciding which iPod was best for her mother.
And I still think the iPod touch is way too much player for Louise.
So, guess who has a sworn enemy.
Most of your superheroes.
So, uh, the homeless guy remembered you? Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I don't know what the deal is.
I apologized.
I gave the guy 20 bucks.
He screamed at me to take it back, so when I did, he Whoa! What? He has no home! He told me to take it back! But he was tricking me.
Wow.
It sounds like you got bullied by a homeless guy.
So, what do I do? There's nothing you can do.
He's homeless.
If you retaliate, you look like a jerk.
Yeah, it's a bully you can't fight back against.
So, it's like if I got into a fight with a girl? You never fight a girl, Milo.
No, I'm saying, hypothetically, if I got into a fight with You never fight a girl, Milo.
Okay, so, just forget the girl-fight I don't know if we can.
So, the homeless guy? He won.
It's over.
Take a different train.
And walk eight blocks out of my way just to avoid him? It might be worse than that.
Check this out.
HOMELESS GUY: Oh, right I don't need that money 'cause I'm living the dream! MAN: That hobo is stealing from a homeless guy! Who e-mailed that to you? No one.
it's on the front page of YouTube.
Looks like your little problem Just got a whole lot bigger.
I went out with a girl who would always say "right" with a question mark after everything I said.
What do you mean? Okay, say "this edamame is good.
" Mmm, this edamame is good.
Right? Oh, man, I hate you.
(BOTH LAUGH) You know, Jessica, there's something I probably should have mentioned the other day Oh! I forgot to tell you, my mother loved the nano you recommended.
Yeah? Great.
It must be cool to work there.
Yeah, uh, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
Have you ever taken a girl there at night and put a movie on the row of TVs? I haven't.
Yet.
And you probably get a great employee discount.
I do.
(LAUGHS) No, you don't! Because you're not an employee! I know.
I just got caught up in the moment.
So you promised to let her use your discount, which you don't have? I mean, she only wants a pair of headphones.
(SCOFFS) I'll just give her some cash back and tell her it's my employee discount.
It'll be like 30 bucks.
She's very pretty.
I'm ashamed of you.
Well, what would you do? Tell her the truth? Not now.
That would be creepy.
You already had two chances to confess.
The only thing you can do now is fast-forward to the truth.
What is I'm glad you asked.
Instead of admitting that you lied, you plant the seeds of the real you.
For example, maybe you mention you're also an aspiring writer, up for a job at Full Steam.
And then when I "get" that job, I'll quit my electronics gig.
And then you will be you.
Fast-forward to the truth.
Neal.
Uh-huh? What are you doing? Just a little redecorating.
Found these bad boys in our storage locker, and I thought I'd put them up.
You really want to hang a weapon above the bed? No.
I want to hang our weapon above our bed.
Great.
If you like it, I like it.
Which one of you idiots told my boyfriend to hang nunchucks over our bed? Neither of us.
That would be crazy.
Well, someone put it in his head he needed to take back "power" in our relationship.
Oh, that was us.
I remember that.
Neal doesn't need any relationship advice from you two.
Got it? Message received.
Couldn't agree with you more.
And it's really hard to understand you two when you talk at the same time.
We know.
Sorry.
I can see that.
And you Stealing from a homeless man? He told me to What are you gonna do next, Milo? Fight a girl? That's it.
I need to make peace with the man who hates me.
Dennis, the copy editor? No.
The homeless guy.
Dennis hates me? His band played, and you were the only one who didn't come.
Might as well face it You can't beat it.
Hey, Dennis.
That's not Dennis.
Now Alan hates you, too.
This is so nice of you.
(LAUGHS) Are you sure you don't mind? No.
Mind? What good is an employee discount if you can't help out the ones you Got to second base with? (GIGGLES) So, which headphones should I get? Ah.
I like these.
Mmm.
I also like writing.
Have I mentioned that yet? I'm actually up for a job at Are these noise-canceling? What? Uh, yeah, they are.
Yeah, it says so right there.
So, I don't know if you've heard of Full Steam magazine Do you think it's okay if I get a couple more things? Uh, sure.
You know, it's like we always say around here If you have an employee discount, make "dis" count.
(GIGGLES) Great.
I wrote it all down.
Whoa.
This is some list that continues on the back.
How are you gonna carry all this? Didn't you say employees get free delivery? Yes, I did.
Okay, well, I'm just gonna have to alert my manager because the discount will be What we call a "jumbo.
" I'll be right back.
Where are the nearest three ATMs? I got robbed by a man-bear Looked like a bear but talked like a man Man-bear Oh, man-bear, oh, man-bear Man-bear, oh, man-bear Get off the stage, man-bear! I'm here to help, man.
Never take help from a man-bear, tricksy man-bear Never Give it up for man-bear! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hi, roomie.
This is all my stuff from the storage locker.
Correction It's all our stuff.
Whatcha think? I think it looks like a 13-year-old's dojo, if his martial art was masturbation.
(LAUGHS) What? You don't like it? I see what you're doing.
You've made your point.
And what's my point? That before I met you, I did a lot of masturbating.
And? And don't always listen to my jackass friends.
Good.
(CHUCKLES) Can I put everything back to normal? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, um, except that stencil.
I will never forget to kiss you good night.
Promise? Promise.
Good night.
I'm I'm kidding.
Geez.
And that is $460 In 20s.
It is so weird that you guys do your employee discount in cash.
Yes, it is.
And don't think we haven't complained to management about it.
That's another reason I'm actually looking to move into magazine writing.
Excuse me, may I help you find anything? Oh! Uh, I've got this under control, Tony.
I'm sorry.
Do I know you? (CHUCKLES) He does this all the time.
(CHUCKLES) Tony, come on, get out of here.
Look, man, I don't know who you are.
I'm Tyler, the unsung hero of the Circuit Center softball team, the guy making the move to magazines.
(LAUGHS) We don't have a softball team Not since the van accident.
Oh, that was this place? Yeah.
Tyler, what is going on here? Yes, what is going on here? Who the hell are you? I might be the hell you're talking to.
I'm from Corporate.
Well, you certainly don't look like a guy from Cor Oh.
I, I'm sorry, Mister, um They call me Mr.
Gibbs.
Now, I think you've bothered the customer and this dedicated employee long enough, don't you? Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Very sorry, folks.
Excuse me.
Now, Mr.
Mitchell, it has come to my attention that you have been abusing our unusual but totally real cash-back employee discount program.
Maybe? Uh-huh.
Well, I appreciate your honesty.
But rules are rules.
And I have no choice but to fire you.
(GASPS) Damn! I understand.
Yeah.
Although, that shouldn't be a problem for you.
Word back at the home office is that you are a very talented writer.
In fact, I hear you have a job interview at Full Steam magazine tomorrow.
That's true.
Wow, you guys really get involved with your employees.
Yeah.
It's the Circuit Center way.
So, good luck to you in your new career.
Full steam ahead.
Thank you, Mr.
Gibbs.
Now, I will just be taking that employee discount money back.
Sure, I guess I can just return some of my stuff.
Uh, Mr.
Gibbs, I think I can put that back in the place where we put it.
No, no.
It's a Corporate matter now.
Wow.
Fozzie, I have never made this much in one day.
Thanks, man.
I'm glad I could help, you know, make things right between us.
We are right as rain.
And as soon as I find a marker or cut myself severely, I'm-a cross your name off that pizza box.
I appreciate it.
So, uh, same time tomorrow? Excuse me? Maybe we add a couple songs to the set list.
Look, this was really fun today, but, um But what? This was just a one-time pity gig to you? Like wham, bam, thank you, bum? No, not at all.
So I'll see you tomorrow.
So, how long do you have to keep playing with him? He says just until we make a "katchillion" dollars.
(LAUGHTER) (SIGHS) All right, what's the damage? Hang on.
This one's on Circuit Center.
$20, $40, $60.
You suck, Gibbs.
It's Mr.
Gibbs.