Men at Work (2012) Episode Scripts

N/A - The New Boss

Should get back in there? They're about to announce magazine of the year.
He's right.
We don't want to miss it in case we win.
I think we got a good shot this year.
I know! Hey.
So, who was that girl you were talking to? That's April.
She writes for Modern Icon.
We're going out on Thursday.
I didn't know there were any magazine writers you hadn't already gone out with.
I know.
I was surprised, too.
I think she's the last one.
Well, that was almost as humiliating as my fourth divorce.
Never marry a Russian prostitute with a history.
You know what? Never marry a prostitute.
So, we lost, sir? No, Neal, I'm humiliated by our victory.
I hope you guys tried the coconut shrimp, 'cause they are diggity-dunzo.
And there's the hardest-eating editor in town.
Pretty easy to stuff shrimp in your face when you're not holding any awards, huh? - Can't win 'em all.
- How about just one, Bubba Gump? I'm getting tired of Lindsey Tucker flashing the loser sign at me.
- Who's Lindsey Tucker? - He owns Icon.
A guy named Lindsey? Right? That makes no sense.
Hello, P.
Oh, I have something for you.
It's an "L.
" It's for "loser," because that's what you are, P.
You're a loser.
That's funny.
It's almost as funny as your parents naming you Lindsey.
Says P.
, the man named after pajamas.
So, I beat you at the awards, and I topped your joke.
Ah! Here's my ace in the hole.
I think you know Alex Turner, my editor? Cheer up, guys.
This isn't about who has the best magazine.
Oh, look at that, it actually says "best magazine.
" Ha! And that woman right there is the reason you will never, ever beat me.
Hey, look what I bought! Everybody, meet your new editor.
Very happy to be here.
The truth is, I've been a big fan of this magazine ever since P.
wrote me a giant check earlier today.
Isn't that great? I don't think she's joking.
Um, Mr.
Jordan, what about Doug? - Who? - Our editor.
Hey, P-P-P-P.
and his pets.
Hey, Doug.
You're fired.
Copy that, captain.
Did I mention you can fire anybody you want? No, you hadn't, but that's a good thing to know.
Hell, you want to do one right now, prison-style? Just pick off the biggest one, send a message? Sure.
Let's line 'em up by height.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an issue to plan and an office to re-decorate.
Ooh, I love this.
She is a real firecracker.
You see how she took that thing? It's not hers.
Watch your backs, people.
Is she really gonna fire people? Oh, this is bad.
Ad sales is always the first to go.
Oh, come on, you'll be fine.
No, I won't.
I'm terrible at first impressions.
- No, no.
- That's crazy.
- I'm kind of hungry.
You're right.
You're right.
I can pull it together when I need to.
Son of a biscuit, that is some lava java! We're gonna miss you, Neal.
Well, I, for one, am excited.
New editor means new opportunity.
I'm gonna go pitch Alex my column idea.
Didn't Doug turn that down like four times? Well, I don't see Doug around here anymore, do you? Hey, Doug.
There's that printer I brought from home when I first started here.
That's not my printer.
I want a fun, exciting gray.
That's too exciting.
This is an office, Matt.
Uh, the sofa you selected is too long to get into the elevators.
Well, you'll figure something out.
You're a big, strong man.
So, who are you and what do you want? Oh, sorry, I got confused.
Hello, curly-haired man-child standing in my office.
What can I do for you? Now you say stuff.
Um, hi, I'm Milo.
I'm one of the writers, and I had an idea for a new column I wanted to run by you.
- Uh, it's called "what's it like" - Right.
Where I would write about exciting life experiences, such as what's it like to jump out of an airplane or what's it like to get bitten by Pigeon! I was thinking more of a shark.
Pigeon gray is the color I'm looking for.
Are we done here? Are we? I think so.
I love the back-and-forth, so thank you for that.
Um, I'm gonna go and marinate on this - and I'll come back to you with an idea for the first column? - I love it.
- That is awesome.
Thank you, because Doug never - on that wall.
Walk with me.
Not you.
Hello, Alex Turner.
I'm Neal from ads.
Hey, Alex, Neal's the name, and ad sales is my current department.
Oh, hey, there.
- Hey.
- Whoa! Neal.
Cool handshake, Neal from ads.
See you around.
Yes! Whoops.
Aah! Come on! Ohh! Neat.
Your burrito just got to second base with me.
Sorry, I didn't mean to I mean when I turned, and then I'm Gibbs.
I'm Alex.
Ooh, sweaty handshake you got there.
Oh, no, it's it's water.
I understand how sweat works.
No, I mean I mean, it's not sweat.
Although I get how you'd think that, but with the burrito and the paper Clammy handshake and can't finish a sentence.
You must be the office ladies' man.
I am.
Who was I? Oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I don't do that.
He do that.
I'll tell you, it was pretty sweet.
I just went in there and nailed it.
I couldn't even say words.
I think I might get a motorcycle.
Maybe that's my first column "What's it like to race a motorcycle?" And then your second column "What's it like to ride in an ambulance?" I wish we had a photograph of that handshake, Gibbs.
You could learn from it.
- Truth bomb? - Idea bomb.
They sound really similar.
I'm supposed to take Alex's photo for the editor page, right? That's my second chance.
I take a great shot, she's happy with it, then she sees the real me, and boom.
- Idea bomb? - Redemption bomb.
This is bad.
- What up? - I'm seeing that girl, April, from Icon later.
She writes the relationship column over there.
Oh, that's her? She's hilarious.
She makes every guy she dates sound like an asshole.
That'll be you! You should definitely cancel.
Yeah, but then I'm the dick that cancels at the last minute.
It is hard out there for a pimp.
Well, whatever you do, she's gonna make a story out of it.
Not if I give her nothing to write about.
I'm gonna be the perfect gentleman.
Polite, attentive.
Oh! I got the idea for my first column! What is it? So good! Whew! I just ran eight blocks 'cause I got the best idea I've ever had.
Want to hear it? No, no, no, I shouldn't.
I shouldn't.
Okay, here it is.
To be continued.
No way.
Oh! Hello? Hello? Why have a phone if you don't work? It's okay because I have a phone.
I have a phone with no service.
Come on! Come on! It's okay.
Okay, okay.
You're fine.
You're fine.
UhJust send a text to the guys, tell them to come by and grab me with no service! All right, well, someone's gonna figure out this thing's broken, right? So I'll just relax.
Play a little "words with" No service! We got it in.
Had to shut down half the building's electric grid, and they're having a hell of a time getting it back up.
But the point is, I made it happen.
You know, I knew when I saw it in the catalogue I was gonna hate it, and I was right.
Don't worry.
You'll get there.
When Alex sees me in my studio, doing my thing, she will see the real me, and this nightmare will be over.
Well, that's the opposite of my plan.
I'm never gonna let her see me again at all.
So you're gonna hide for your entire career? If that's what I got to Uh-oh! Here she comes! Gibbs, you suck.
This is like a photographer's lightsaber.
If you strike me down now, Gibbs, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Neal, these are not The Gibbs is strong with this one.
Oh, join me and we shall rule the galaxy as Gibbs and Gibbs.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize you were playing with yourself.
No, no, I was just Ohh.
This is gonna make you laugh.
No, it just makes me a little sad for your parents.
Why don't Why don't we just get started? Why don't we just forget this photo shoot? Um, call over to Icon and have them send my old editor's photo.
- But I was just - Taking over the galaxy.
I got it.
Good luck with that.
Was that bad? It sounded bad.
Was it bad? Please open the elevator.
I promise I'll be a good boy.
So, elevator, what's your name? Otis? Nice to meet you, Otis.
I'm Milo.
Can't believe it's already been a half an hour.
So, we're in a canoe, in the middle of the lake, and it starts pouring.
You don't really want to hear my summer-camp stories do you? I want to hear whatever you want to tell me Because each story is another brush stroke on the painting that is April.
That isreally lovely.
Well, I was aiming for gentlemanly, but I'll take it.
You're different than I thought you'd be.
Well, I like to think of myself as a gentleman, but we're a dying breed.
Oh, listen to me talking about myself.
I'm sorry.
Let's get back to you.
It's 1999, you're in a canoe, and there's a storm coming.
They're not coming for you, Milo.
This is your home now.
Those are my sleeping quarters.
That's the kitchen.
This is kind of a bonus room.
That's your bathroom.
Sorry, Otis.
Don't look at me.
Why in a shoe? I don't know.
Why did you tie your jacket around There are no simple answers to these questions, Neal! Boys, how great is this day? Alex caught me in a lightsaber battle with myself.
I almost pooped in a shoe.
A lot of questions, don't want to ask them.
Were you a gentleman? I was like if "The Notebook" and Tobey Maguire had a baby and Mark Ruffalo raised him.
I was the perfect gentleman.
Well, get ready to join team poop-shoe.
I had to call over to Icon to get Alex's editor photo, 'cause that's my job now, I guess Being an errand boy who calls for photos Seriously, how far off topic are you going here? So sorry.
The point is, everybody at Icon is laughing at you.
- For what? - Apparently, April was gonna write about what type of player you are, but after tea and crumpets with Tyler Bublé here She's now writing a piece called "where have all the real men gone?" Oh, come on! Yeah, today pretty much blows.
Oh, come on, guys.
All right, if I can turn it around, so can you.
You just You gotta get in there and find your own lucky handshake.
He's right.
Gibbs, you and I are going to Alex's office right now, and we are gonna set her straight.
Let's do it.
So, what do I do here, Neal? You keep getting weirder, huh? Don't mind me, I'm just checking out this couch.
You're Tyler, right? For now.
I might have to change it.
Who pissed in your cup o' noodles? I went out with this writer All right, what's his name? And when I found out that she was gonna write some hatchet piece about what a dog I was, because I acted like a perfect gentleman on the date, she's now gonna write her column about how there are no real men left in the city.
- I have an idea.
- You do? I'm gonna move this couch into my office and bring that one in here.
You know, I have been on assignment all over the world, and I have seen some awful things.
But seeing you about to grow a tail over a shoe in the elevator That's gonna haunt me.
I know it looked crazy, but that's what happens when you're trapped 20 floors up for what seemed like forever.
You were only in there for 45 minutes.
At first, you think you can handle it, but then the silence slowly chips away at your sanity.
And then the hunger sets in.
It tells you if you don't eat your belt soon, your stomach's gonna crash in upon itself like a sand castle in the wind.
Are we done here? Are we? I think so.
Oh, you got my photo.
Yeah, I got it, but this isn't really you.
No, it's me With weird hair.
Oh, whoa.
Thank you.
It's like every choice you make is wrong.
This is what you look like.
You're all about m ovement and energy.
This is the real you.
Let's go with that one.
I like my hair in it.
Hey, there's my new toy.
How was your maiden voyage? Am I gonna be shanked in the alley by any recently fired employees? You're safe, for now.
Long day, but I think I got my first issue almost figured out.
All right, give me the juicy bits.
Well, um, pretty boy here is gonna write an article called "nice guys finish last," all about how being a gentleman is no longer valued by the young jackass girls of this generation.
I am? Yes, and it's gonna come out one week before a competing article in Icon written by a former pain-in-the-ass employee.
So we'll scoop them.
And it'll drive Lindsey crazy.
Taking down the old boss on your first day? If I didn't need nine different pills to feel below my nipples, I would kiss you right now.
And Beardy McHobo is going to start a new monthly column called "what's it like" And I just previewed his first installment called "what's it like to be trapped in an elevator?" Which may or may not involve pooping in a shoe.
Been there, done that.
And your daughter's boyfriend is a hell of a photographer.
He actually took a picture of me I can stand to look at.
Why did he take your picture? Because he had a camera? Wait.
What? This guy is not my daughter's boyfriend.
You said he was the nerdy one.
Damn right I did.
That's the one who's seeing my daughter Playing peek-a-boo behind the plant there.
Well, he's the coolest guy in this place.
I'm sorry.
What? That that guy's about as cool as a marionette collection.
Here, watch this.
Hey, Fonzie, catch.
Aah! He had such a great handshake.
Really? I never touched the guy.
Welcome back, Neal.
It was a sweet ride.
So, right there? No.
It was more right here.
Why not in a corner? Well, there's more room here.
But you could lean here.
I'm not gonna go in the bonus room.
The middle just made more sense, you know? You can sort of stretch out here.
They wanted to see how it went.
I'll take the stairs.