Metalocalypse (2006) s01e16 Episode Script
Religionklok
Charlie Parker! Oh, stupid cow! Love her! Look, guys.
You mind wrapping it up? I mean, I've, you know, I've stayed open an extra seven hours.
Not that I really mind, but you know Ares yous all right to drive? Yeah.
He's fine.
~ Stand up, USA! ~ ~ Stand up like Charlie Parker stood up ~ ~ Standing up Charlie Parker style ~ ~ I'm standing up ~ ~ Sitting's not for me Standin' ~ ~ Standing up, USA ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Dethklok, Dethklok Dethklok, Dethklok ~ ~ I'll teach you ~ ~ Who rock ~ ~ Dethklok! Dethklok! ~ ~ Skwisgaar Skwigelf Taller than a tree ~ ~ Toki Wartooth Not a bumble bee ~ ~ William Murderface Murderface, Murderface ~ ~ Pickles the Drummer Doodily doo ~ ~ Ding-dong Doodily doodily doo ~ ~ Nathan Explosion ~ A bass.
You know, I figured, you know, you play bass, so Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
Just put that over there.
Hey.
I got yous Ken Burns' Civil War documentary, you know.
Actually, I think this is yours.
I'm just giving it back to you.
- I never watched it.
- Thank you.
And I got you this.
It's two Siamese fighting fish.
They loves to pal around.
That's why you gets two.
Look.
Yeah.
I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh? I mean, am I? Do I really deserve to be here right now? OK.
I did this to you.
I was driving the murdercycle.
It should be me there still alive with all those gifts.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry! - Oh, God.
I'm sorry! - I just Almost dying made me think.
Not very hard, but There's got to be something out there beyond this life, this life as we know it.
I think I need to become religious.
It seems William Murderface is exploring religion.
This is a dark sign.
We have been fearing this.
Yes.
When a celebrity decides to embrace a religion they can become incredibly powerful and their fans can become even more passionate.
This could turn into a major incident! All the signs are there.
We should immobilize them.
Our peace is at stake.
Mr.
Salacia, I'm outlining several plans You are working for me, General, and your job is to collect information, clues, nothing else.
- This is absurd! - That is enough, General.
I will not be challenged by you.
- So what do you have? - Very little.
I'm suspicious.
His background is murky, he's hard to track.
He's like a ghost.
He keeps appearing in my dreams.
He speaks to me in an ancient language that I don't understand but I think he is telling me that I am going to die.
I don't trust him, and I don't think you trust him either And I'd like to know that I have an ally in you and the Church should this operation blow out of control.
Yes, you do.
~ Religiooonnn ~ ~ Religioooonnn ~ ~ Religiooonnn ~ This is dildos.
Doesn't he know there's no such things as religion? You mean, you don't believe in God.
There is such thing as religion.
Well, then proves it.
Show me miracles that religion exists.
Well, you know, there's the Bible right there.
Well, maybe I reevaluates my life then.
Guys, I need to find out which religion works for me the guy in here, and I can't do it alone.
I need you to come with me.
~ I will follow him and turn my cheek ~ ~ Give to the poor and help the meek 'Cause we are crusaders ~ ~ Truth invaders ~ ~ Strike the devil with my prayerbolt ~ ~ Drink from God's goblet And then catapult ~ ~ Into his kingdom ~ ~ We're apostles of freedom ~ ~ Don't you know it was a truth machine ~ Come on.
I grew up in the Midwest.
I don't need to see another Christian rock band.
Listen.
I almost killed him.
He needs our support.
Just give it a chance.
See, it's not so bad.
It's fun.
There is no God.
Listen to his guitar.
I'm gonna check out this Christian rock mosh pit.
Yeah! All right! Everybody Praise the Lord! I've seen enough.
Pretty good.
What kind of church is this? This is the Church of the Atheists.
What does that mean? It means that they don't believe in, you know, God.
Like Skwisgaar and Toki? No.
We are nihilists.
We don't believe in anything.
Can't a nihilist also not believe in God, too? I don't know.
Quiet.
O God, whom we do not believe in let us all not pray for you who does not exist in any rational realm Oh, no! We're being picketed by agnostics! Agnostics honor the possibility of there not being a God.
Get them! They hate each other.
This is gonna be awesome.
Just give me a sign.
Show me the path of enlightenment, dear sweet demilord icon.
I don't wants to sound harsh but this is getting weird.
He's been through every religion.
He ain't decided on nothing.
This kind of thing could really f up a band.
We might needs to kick his ass out.
What do you mean? Why do you say that? Because he's creepy.
He's acting like he's a demon possessed.
Look at him.
Ja.
I agree.
It always happens.
One band member, you know, becomes religion and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, you know.
The dynamic is all to boom.
Magic is gone.
It sucks, you know but I say we kill him.
Come on, you dicks.
He's the bass player.
Without him we're nothing.
Sure, we mix his bass out of pretty much every song but we need him.
OK.
We don't really need him but it's my fault he's this way.
I guess that's my point.
Just giveth me a sign.
Hello? Greetings, you children of Satan.
Tonight, we will pay homage to our Underlord and make sacrifices unto him.
But first a couple of announcements.
Last week, some people left some trash behind candy wrappers, coffee cups, and empty chip bags.
This is a church of Satan.
This isn't a waste paper basket, can.
So if you could please just remember to clean up after yourselves and we can avoid having, you know, ants, worms, raccoons.
Hail Satan.
Hail Satan.
Also, the neighbor next door is on a real tear.
He wants He's towing cars so try not to park in front of his house because your car will be towed, and that's around $300.
$300.
Hail Satan.
Hail Satan.
Pray now the prayer of revenge.
From whom do you seek revenge? I seek revenge on Rachel Ray from Food Network.
Can't you make her eyes fall out or something? Tits fall off? Satan, grant this man the gift of revenge against his foes at the Food network.
- Seriously? - Yes.
- Seriously? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
That's cool.
And now we will summon the four demons of the apocalypse! Mephistopheles, Beel Beelzebub Excuse me! Excuse me! Does anyone know where the nearest bar is? Does anyone know any good bars around here? You're killing me.
You're killing me here.
It's all the same.
It's all the same.
All religions are a bunch of boring crap! Does anybody know where there's a good bar around here? Oh, stupid cow.
Father, father, father!
You mind wrapping it up? I mean, I've, you know, I've stayed open an extra seven hours.
Not that I really mind, but you know Ares yous all right to drive? Yeah.
He's fine.
~ Stand up, USA! ~ ~ Stand up like Charlie Parker stood up ~ ~ Standing up Charlie Parker style ~ ~ I'm standing up ~ ~ Sitting's not for me Standin' ~ ~ Standing up, USA ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Dethklok, Dethklok Dethklok, Dethklok ~ ~ I'll teach you ~ ~ Who rock ~ ~ Dethklok! Dethklok! ~ ~ Skwisgaar Skwigelf Taller than a tree ~ ~ Toki Wartooth Not a bumble bee ~ ~ William Murderface Murderface, Murderface ~ ~ Pickles the Drummer Doodily doo ~ ~ Ding-dong Doodily doodily doo ~ ~ Nathan Explosion ~ A bass.
You know, I figured, you know, you play bass, so Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
Just put that over there.
Hey.
I got yous Ken Burns' Civil War documentary, you know.
Actually, I think this is yours.
I'm just giving it back to you.
- I never watched it.
- Thank you.
And I got you this.
It's two Siamese fighting fish.
They loves to pal around.
That's why you gets two.
Look.
Yeah.
I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh? I mean, am I? Do I really deserve to be here right now? OK.
I did this to you.
I was driving the murdercycle.
It should be me there still alive with all those gifts.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry! - Oh, God.
I'm sorry! - I just Almost dying made me think.
Not very hard, but There's got to be something out there beyond this life, this life as we know it.
I think I need to become religious.
It seems William Murderface is exploring religion.
This is a dark sign.
We have been fearing this.
Yes.
When a celebrity decides to embrace a religion they can become incredibly powerful and their fans can become even more passionate.
This could turn into a major incident! All the signs are there.
We should immobilize them.
Our peace is at stake.
Mr.
Salacia, I'm outlining several plans You are working for me, General, and your job is to collect information, clues, nothing else.
- This is absurd! - That is enough, General.
I will not be challenged by you.
- So what do you have? - Very little.
I'm suspicious.
His background is murky, he's hard to track.
He's like a ghost.
He keeps appearing in my dreams.
He speaks to me in an ancient language that I don't understand but I think he is telling me that I am going to die.
I don't trust him, and I don't think you trust him either And I'd like to know that I have an ally in you and the Church should this operation blow out of control.
Yes, you do.
~ Religiooonnn ~ ~ Religioooonnn ~ ~ Religiooonnn ~ This is dildos.
Doesn't he know there's no such things as religion? You mean, you don't believe in God.
There is such thing as religion.
Well, then proves it.
Show me miracles that religion exists.
Well, you know, there's the Bible right there.
Well, maybe I reevaluates my life then.
Guys, I need to find out which religion works for me the guy in here, and I can't do it alone.
I need you to come with me.
~ I will follow him and turn my cheek ~ ~ Give to the poor and help the meek 'Cause we are crusaders ~ ~ Truth invaders ~ ~ Strike the devil with my prayerbolt ~ ~ Drink from God's goblet And then catapult ~ ~ Into his kingdom ~ ~ We're apostles of freedom ~ ~ Don't you know it was a truth machine ~ Come on.
I grew up in the Midwest.
I don't need to see another Christian rock band.
Listen.
I almost killed him.
He needs our support.
Just give it a chance.
See, it's not so bad.
It's fun.
There is no God.
Listen to his guitar.
I'm gonna check out this Christian rock mosh pit.
Yeah! All right! Everybody Praise the Lord! I've seen enough.
Pretty good.
What kind of church is this? This is the Church of the Atheists.
What does that mean? It means that they don't believe in, you know, God.
Like Skwisgaar and Toki? No.
We are nihilists.
We don't believe in anything.
Can't a nihilist also not believe in God, too? I don't know.
Quiet.
O God, whom we do not believe in let us all not pray for you who does not exist in any rational realm Oh, no! We're being picketed by agnostics! Agnostics honor the possibility of there not being a God.
Get them! They hate each other.
This is gonna be awesome.
Just give me a sign.
Show me the path of enlightenment, dear sweet demilord icon.
I don't wants to sound harsh but this is getting weird.
He's been through every religion.
He ain't decided on nothing.
This kind of thing could really f up a band.
We might needs to kick his ass out.
What do you mean? Why do you say that? Because he's creepy.
He's acting like he's a demon possessed.
Look at him.
Ja.
I agree.
It always happens.
One band member, you know, becomes religion and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, you know.
The dynamic is all to boom.
Magic is gone.
It sucks, you know but I say we kill him.
Come on, you dicks.
He's the bass player.
Without him we're nothing.
Sure, we mix his bass out of pretty much every song but we need him.
OK.
We don't really need him but it's my fault he's this way.
I guess that's my point.
Just giveth me a sign.
Hello? Greetings, you children of Satan.
Tonight, we will pay homage to our Underlord and make sacrifices unto him.
But first a couple of announcements.
Last week, some people left some trash behind candy wrappers, coffee cups, and empty chip bags.
This is a church of Satan.
This isn't a waste paper basket, can.
So if you could please just remember to clean up after yourselves and we can avoid having, you know, ants, worms, raccoons.
Hail Satan.
Hail Satan.
Also, the neighbor next door is on a real tear.
He wants He's towing cars so try not to park in front of his house because your car will be towed, and that's around $300.
$300.
Hail Satan.
Hail Satan.
Pray now the prayer of revenge.
From whom do you seek revenge? I seek revenge on Rachel Ray from Food Network.
Can't you make her eyes fall out or something? Tits fall off? Satan, grant this man the gift of revenge against his foes at the Food network.
- Seriously? - Yes.
- Seriously? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
That's cool.
And now we will summon the four demons of the apocalypse! Mephistopheles, Beel Beelzebub Excuse me! Excuse me! Does anyone know where the nearest bar is? Does anyone know any good bars around here? You're killing me.
You're killing me here.
It's all the same.
It's all the same.
All religions are a bunch of boring crap! Does anybody know where there's a good bar around here? Oh, stupid cow.
Father, father, father!