Metalocalypse (2006) s03e05 Episode Script

NARRATOR: Legendary Dethklok guitarist Skwisgaar Skwigelf has proven to be quite the ladies' man over the years But has that come back to haunt him? Recent law suits claim that he has fathered literally thousands ofillegitimate children Of course that entire case wasthrown out after the following was submitted skwisgaar is in no way the legal father, guardian, etc of these children You see, in order to get backstage or have any kind of audience with skwigelf, every man woman and child must sign a "paternity waiver" that legally disallows even the notion that skwisgaar could be the father of their children regardless of a potential positive DNA test Is there a bigger connection here? Skwisgaar Skwigelfnever actually met his father Is that why he feels the need to father so many illegitimate children? Is the lack ofa father in Skwigelf's life the reason he became a guitar god? And can he stay a guitar god? Is the pressure ofbeing a deadbeat father getting to him? citing guitar exhaustion How can a man continue this kind ofsexual promiscuity and still lead a normal life? Is Skwigelf on the verge of a nervous guitar breakdown? Here you are, ma'am sorry about the loss in the law suit However, we'd like to donate a standard issue parting package including enough money for college tuition, food stamps, the entire Dethklok CD catalogue, and of course $5 off at Hot Topic There you go Mr skwigelf! How do you feel about all the fatherless children and abandoned mothers out there? Please stand away or you'll be tasered Yeah, uh What are you, uh, thinking about your dad? Yeah I mean he could have left, uh, right after the deed was done and, uh, never even held you in his arms The mighty strength of a father's touch lost forever Gone My father had strong hands I think it's time I found my father Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! so, uh, I think we should be a little sensitive toward skwisgaar, he's going through a lot He started searching for his biological father so maybe we can just show a little affection towards him Ha ha!! Dats gays! C'mon man, don't say, "showing affection" and expect us to fuckin' react Okay, well guys listen I mean think about it skwisgaar never had a father, alright? so? My dad's just died And I'm totally cools with it Guys, I'm saying he never even had a My father's dead and I'm totally fine I love that my dad's dead I got no relationship with my dad Other than I hate him, you know? Get out of here You belong in a garbage can You know, I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name And I'm proud I'm proud to know that I don't know that Alright, I get it Fine You are all without fathers, alright I'm not 'Fucking love my dad My dad's fucking awesome Just be nice to skwisgaar alright everybody, okay? see what we can do to make his life a little bit easier alright? Eh, make his life easier huh? I don't wants to sounds insensitives buts I means uhhh, if skwisgaars doesn't gets his craps togethers I may really has a shots at beings leads guitarist! Me Toki! Finallys ams no mores in de shadows Whats do you thinks about dat, Pickle? Toki, don't you think it's a little early to start jumping to conclusions? Jumps to conclusions? Whats de fucks am dats supposed to means, huh? Nothing Nothing! You listens to me Whens I becomes leads guitarist things am gonna change around here!! Fine fine, just let go of me! You're squeezing my nipples off! I'm sorry! Don't get physical with people! One minute, 45 seconds Hey Nate look, look I got to talk to you You know how my role in this band has always been that of like a band father I'm sure you'll agree You know? I'm kind of like the father, the seeds of the band You know what I'm saying Ugh Well, you know skwisgaar, he doesn't have a father so you get where I'm going with this? Uhh I'm the band father He's fatherless Would you move a little bit please? Oh sure Yeah, yeah, yeah see I'm going to help skwisgaar to experience what it's like to have a father see this is what I do best! I do it anyway Can you move a little bit further? I just wanna you're in front of the microwave Oh sorry right Can I say one other thing? I think it's a really bad idea What? To fuck around with skwisgaar's whole father issue skwisgaar doesn't have a father I'll be his father What are you dildos looking at? You know skwisgaar is not the only one without a father around here You know? Rumors have circulated causing a frenzied panic that skwisgaar skwigelf has started a worldwide search for his biological father Anythings yet? Not yet, sire several thousand gentlemen have come forward claiming to be your father several thousgand? They all claim to have had sex with your mother, surfetta, in a period of a month This seems impossible, sire Ugh, you don't know my moms Ugh Perhaps she would be of aide in this search shall I contact her? No! Don't contact her You liable winds up being a candidate for my dads too Alright you know? Anyways, I think she's part of the problem Moms, I'm homes (grunting) Can I come in? skwisgaar, I want to offer you something absolutely spectacular I'm offering to be your father, uh, a father A father figure for you I wanna be your father, figure skwisgaar just treat me like the dad you never had Call me Dad Go on, give it a shot Just call me Dad Go on (door opens) Hey, uh I'm just seeing what you guys are doing, you know? see if anybody, you know, maybe wanted to take me to the park or something Pickles! Fuck off! I'm having a man to man talk with my strong and brave little solider here I'm very brave And very strong too, I mean Pickles damn it I'm going to count to three I don't understand why you don't shut your mouth and listen! I'm going to count to three and you better beat it or I will seriously spank your ass red But I wanna hang out too! One! Why can't I go?! Two!! Why can't I hang out!! Three!! Whoaaaa! Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh! I've got a lot of fun planned for us, junior! Let's get those boots on! Come on! Pickle! What's wong with you? What's going on? Nothing Just why does Murderface favor skwisgaar over me? What's wrong with me? Wait, so what Murderface is really acting like a father to skwisgaar? I mean How's that going? lt's goings great! I mean, you should see them together!! They get along like real father and son I mean, what about us? And here we sit like a couple of homos Totally excluded Just like my old man did to me! Yeah! Me, too! This is gonna screw me up so much! I know it is Murderface! I know it is! Any news on my fathers? I am sorry, my lord, but none of the DNA tests match (big sigh) All those thousands of men managed to ejaculate into your mother without being your father He must still be out there But he hasn't come forward All those men All that ejaculate Yes, thank you I understands Just Please leaves me be Hey, what about us? When will we be satisfied? I never thoughts I would say dis but I'm nots in de mood Noooooo!!!!! (falcon cries) And he threw his guitar into the snow He did? Yes! But dude, that's his guitar!! He's never done anything like that before Oh whats, thats horribles for hims Poor guy so whats does this means for the bands, the future, mes? Perhaps he'll have some good news that'll get him back on track Ah, here he is, here he is I'm going to play you a message my moms just left me skwisgaar Come home to sweden I found him I found your father she founds my fathers That's great! What? Father? And I'm moving back to sweden Wait, what? And I'm quitting de band Goodbye skwisgaar skwigelf has left Dethklok to find his father General Crozier skwigelf has inherited an unyielding promiscuity from his mother, surfetta skwigelf This has made determining the father quite difficult But even more dangerous, the band appears to be suffering from father abandonment issues Here to tell us more is our fatherhood expert Dr lmptnin Pmiltson Dr Pmiltson? skwisgaar skwigelf has excelled beyond that of a mortal ls he a god? His parents suggest he is no mere mortal Like Zeus, he would descend from Olympus to impregnate mortal women, thus creating a world of demigods much like skwigelf and these recent paternity suits And now he threatens to move back to his homeland, sweden? Why? He wishes to resume his life as a mortal A god must give up all the power that gave him life And once the commoners realize they have lost their god, they will turn Dis ams your dads You ams my fathers? Whats? No He ams your news dads Your stepfathers We ams got married! I ams Tyr Goods to meet you! But you saids you found my fathers Yeah! lt ams hims! Wait Now you says that he ams my steps fathers Yeah well dats whats I meant Whatevers! He ams nows yours family steps father Do you thinks you could have been clearer on de phones? He ams now's your dads I want you twos to gets alongs He ams a woodworkers and you guys get alongs as Tyr does dabbles in Prague musics (sighs) Did somebodys throw a party? Yeah it sure looks likes a mess Who did it? Probably your sons dids thats parts Thats was probably yous sons that did My sons the ones that goes and whats gets good grades at school Well somebodys going to have to be punished Dats your parts too I dos the nice part Yous do the punish Guu You good cops bad cops Ehhhh? Oh yeah! Dats what's I told ya Ehhuhh But that's what I told ya Oh yeah! But that's what I told you! (both giggle) This ams the best episodes of Two Swedish Dads Whats Are Yous (giggles) (moans) Okay Dats all I can takes of dis Goodnights Dats all you can takes of whats? Of you! The twos of yous gropins each other I can hear your saliva lt ams fucking disgustings!! skwisgaar! Don't talks to your mothers dats way!! Fuck you! Alrights! You amments my fucking dad! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! (screaming) (screaming in agony) What have I done? Wait stop! stop! stop! stop! Toki!!! Whats? You've got to turn it down! Alright? Whats am your problems! Do you think you may be overdoing it a little on volume and playing just a touch? No! I don't happens to thinks I'm overdoings it Looks, all you I ams leads guitarist now and we does it my way or de highway!!! Hey Murderface! Are you even here? What are you doing? I mean you wanna weigh in on this? Hold on!! Hold on, geez! Hey son lt's it's Daderface I mean, is your phone off? You just left and as your fa friend I'm just Great You owe me one Dethphone Fuck you! Why is it always about skwisgaar! He's not here and it's still about him! Okay Okay Come back here and argue with me! Come back I was bad! I broke your phone Punish me! Why are you ignoring me! Okay guys! Fuckin, wake up! Murderface, get the fuck back in here Get Back ln Here Gaw I'm not going to take this lying down alright? This is my band You're my stupid, dumb, fuckedup, dysfunctional family alright? We're gonna go to sweden, and we're gonna get skwisgaar back alright? Because this is not fuckin' working I wanteds to apologizek you I am sorry I wanted to apologizeks to you too I shouldn't have yelled at you I now sees that you actually cares about my mothers Yuh and she cares about you too skwisgaar Huh Yeah she does You ams a good man Thanks you to really get in good with Surfetta and uh, and really get close to the family and then I'll really be a Skwigelfyou know making love to surfetta What? What? What? What? What? What are you talking about? What? What? You know Toki, right before I left home when I was a teenager, my dad turned to me and he said, "Get out You belong in a garbage can" And I left And I always regretted not staying there and beating the living shit out of my father You know? I never did And, and now I hang out with Murderface and I feel like that opportunity is back Dude, he is triggering something in me that's just incredibly violent and ugly lt's just I'll just make a point to keep it in check There No problem Alright guys, time to get serious I think this is where he is Just follow my lead skwisgaar!! Oh, there you are!! Look how big you've gotten Oh, come here Now listen I know you needed some time to reconnect with your family and I know that's important but I just want to I'm not coming back with you The band is dead I'm not the person I used to be I'm now one of these people here, a human, a regular jackoffs What? I'm part of a real family with a mother and a father And I'm living here in the real world And I'm finallys happy What are you talking about? Are you crazy? I has mades my decision Please leaves me By the way you're not a fucking regular person, all right? You're not one of these stupid, sad humps stop trying to fool yourself, okay? You're better than these fucking dumbshits Found another father huh? Well I'm going to follow you home and make sure your mother falls in love with me Sweet, dear Surfetta I'm coming Well, you made your decisions You've stands by whats yous believes in and thats that Hey, I just wanteds to says to you dat evens though you amments my reals dads, I considers you more of a father than anyone could be Thanks you You good kids skwisgaar You goods kids Oh nooooooo! Ahhhhhhh!!!!! sURFETTA: Faster Harder More That's it Noooooooooooooooo! I can't do this I'm leaving (men grunting) Am I a god or a man I was birthed from a spectre a ghost in the light Could it be that the gods gave me my life lf it's true then I'm no man I'm a god that's what I am I was built to spread my loins into the wombs of this world and I'll spray my holiness onto the breasts of all these girls I'm no man (indistinct) Godlike is what I am I'ms a god I'm coming with skwisgaar Are you sure? Yes You were right I'm not a normal humans I am a god (thunder crashes) Move over Pickles! Let skwisgaar in! I am No let him in first! I am! No you're not! Get out You belong in a garbage can Get out of here You belong in a garbage can I belong in a garbage can? You belong in a garbage can! You belong in a garbage can! Take that! You belong in a garbage can Finish hims off!