Mike & Molly s01e17 Episode Script

Look at us.
Having dinner at the table, facing each other instead of just shoveling down takeout in front of the TV.
It's nice, huh? Based on your tone, I'm assuming you want me to say yes.
I'm kidding.
It's great.
There's no distractions.
Just me and my lady enjoying a civilized dinner and conversing about our day.
- Kind of romantic.
- Very romantic.
Is this gonna be an every night kind of deal or just an odd experiment to see if we could actually do it? You know, it's important for us to stay connected with each other.
Sex is not the only way to express intimacy.
I agree.
It's certainly the best way.
Mostly because we always know when we're done.
Well, I always know when I'm done.
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's forget about the dishes and let's go out and do something fun.
- Right now? - Yeah, right now.
Me and you.
Let's just get in the car, see where the night takes us.
I was hoping the night was gonna take us to your comfy couch.
Oh.
Come on, we live in one of the greatest cities in the world.
Let's go explore it.
Or we could snuggle up on the couch and eat low-fat Bugles off of each other's fingertips.
- Sexy.
- Ha-ha.
Don't be such a load.
I already put on my loosey-goosey sweatpants.
I know.
Been looking at those sweatpants for almost two weeks now.
Hey, maybe we can toss them in the washer while we go out.
You can't.
You'll shrink the loosey out of them and then they're just goosey.
Come on, get changed and let's go do something.
I'm not really up for going out.
I had a pretty tough day at work.
What happened? Shootout? Bank robbery? Carl stepped in gum again? You joke.
But an officer of the law stepping in a wad of Hubba Bubba can be the split second a criminal needs to make his getaway.
Whoa, what are you two doing standing up after 6:00? Is the couch on fire? Guess where we're going? Vince is taking me to see Peaches and Herb at the Schaumburg Hyatt.
It's the original Herb, but it's Peaches number six.
I don't know where those Peaches are disappearing to but somebody might wanna take a shovel to Herb's backyard.
He made the same joke about Gladys Knight killing The Pips.
Good night.
Have fun.
When you get home, don't put the chain on the door because Mike and I might be out pretty late.
Molly, look.
A squirrel on water skis.
The resilient villagers return once more to till their arid soil.
What tragic lives some people lead.
Oh, my God, that's horrible.
When will we learn? You fell asleep.
No, I didn't.
So you saw the whole thing about the migrating geese? Yes.
And I found it heartbreaking.
There were no geese.
So you tricked me? Congratulations, you outwitted a sleeping man.
Mike, I can't sit on that couch anymore watching TV.
Let's go do something fun this weekend.
Me and you.
- I'm in.
- Really? Whatever you wanna do.
Great.
So how about we drive downstate to a nice little B & B? Bed and breakfast? Are you out of your mind? - You said whatever I wanna do.
- Within reason.
I don't wanna share a toilet with a house full of strangers.
The seat's always warm.
Plus, there's usually some mangy cat with a bent tail rubbing its anus on your leg.
Okay, forget the bed and breakfast.
How about we drive up to Wisconsin? Hmm.
Rent a cabin by the lake.
You know, a big fireplace, snuggling under a blanket sipping hot chocolate.
Eh.
What is the problem this time, princess, huh? The fireplace? Wisconsin? I know it's not the chocolate.
Wow.
You felt the need to go there, huh? Real mature.
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing, why? You're playing with your food.
And you don't ever play with your food.
Sometimes he does lay his sausages in a neat little row.
Yeah, but that's more like lining up logs before you jam them in a woodchipper.
I think Molly's getting restless.
- Restless? I don't know.
From what I can gather, I'm not taking her outside enough.
I told you, when you got a girlfriend, you'd have to walk her at least three times a day.
Otherwise, they go crazy, start chewing up furniture and dragging their little butts across the carpet.
That's why you gotta get two of them.
They can play with each other.
I don't get it.
Everything you'd want is inside.
Food, shelter, sex.
What else do you need? I'd settle for two of the three.
Give me a strange hand on my crotch and Skittles and I would live in a pothole.
I don't think Molly understands how hard I work.
I put my life on the line every day.
I need some downtime.
Yup.
That's what I tell Grandma.
When I get home, I need to decompress.
- Some me time.
- Right.
Don't yell at me to shovel the drive or pull a dead rat out of the rain gutter.
Why didn't she grab that thing when she was up there taking down Christmas lights? Exactly.
We spend all day every day fighting crime to keep the streets safe for them.
We're like Batman.
When Batman comes home you don't ask him to unclog the toilet because his Bat Grandma can't process dairy.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I gave Molly my A game when we first started dating.
But I can't keep up that level of charm.
I'm only one man.
Hmm.
I could argue otherwise.
You need to shake it up.
Show her you're making an effort.
- This mean I have to go out? - Not at all.
All right, I'm listening.
Instead of letting her make dinner and serve it you show up with dinner and serve it to her.
Still eating dinner on the couch, but in her mind, you have wined and dined her.
That's all it takes? Do a couple of little things she doesn't expect you to do and she'll forget all about the big nasty things you don't wanna do.
That makes sense.
I may have combed out a few old-lady wigs in my day but I never plucked a dead rat out of a rain gutter.
The diet of the North American brown bear consists mostly of salmon, berries, legumes, and pine nuts.
Yogi doesn't eat that.
Yogi eats pic-a-nic baskets.
Six pounds.
I've gained almost 6 pounds since Mike and I started dating.
It's probably just your hibernation weight.
You'll lose that as soon as the spring thaw rolls around.
We've just turned into this old married couple.
He never wants to go out anymore.
I can't even get him off the sofa.
You've already mated with him, so he has no reason to stand on his hind legs or fling a half-eaten salmon at your feet.
Turn off the bear show.
Sorry.
All I'm saying is once a guy knows you're a sure thing there's no reason for him to try anymore.
- You know what? - Mm-hm? I'm not just gonna sit around and wait for him to take me out.
If I wanna go do something fun, I am gonna do something fun.
Right on, sister.
I am gonna tear it up! Whoo! You wanna come with me? I don't wanna go by myself.
Oh, good Lord.
I just saw my girlfriend's mom naked.
What are you doing in the window? Sorry.
I didn't think anybody would be having sex on the stairs.
Well, if you're writing a book, it started in the laundry room.
Hey, Mike.
What a surprise.
I was just making popcorn.
Save it.
He saw us on the stairs.
Honestly, from the window, it looked like a bad fall.
All right, state your business.
Those Viagras are 11 bucks a pop.
Hush up, Vince.
You got another three hours on that thing.
Hey, I'm gonna be asleep in about 30 minutes.
After that, you can pound nails with it for all I care.
I'm looking for Molly.
Is she home? If she was, would I be doing her mom on the staircase while you watched from the window getting your jollies? She and Victoria went out.
Really? But we always spend Friday nights together.
And I brought over Thai food.
- Ooh.
That sounds good.
- Yeah, I could eat.
Give you 20 bucks for the whole shebang.
Forty if you promise to stay away from the window for the rest of the night.
Just take it.
What do you say you throw me another high hard one, then we eat the spring rolls? Works for me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
I forgot how great it feels to go out on a Friday night.
Work week is done, papers are graded.
Mama is ready to party.
You go, girl.
I still have to buy foam board and 30 glue sticks for Monday's art project but I ain't doing it tonight.
Because it's time to party.
I am gonna write myself just a little reminder so I don't forget about that foam board.
Whoo! Good idea.
Because we're gonna get wasted tonight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, probably not wasted but I think I see a couple of glasses of chardonnay in my future.
[CELL PHONE RINGING Uh-oh.
Grandpa Mike.
What's up? Oh, just hanging with my sister.
- Ha.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, really? You just dropped by assuming I'd be there.
Bummer for you.
I don't know.
I - Could go pretty late, it's Friday night.
- Whoo! Do it again, do it again.
Whoo! Victoria, chill, I'm trying to talk on the phone.
Sorry, she's pretty amped.
Yes, I said amped.
We're getting ready to head into the club.
Ladies, I'm gonna need to see some ID.
Just kidding.
Gotta go.
I'll call you.
Oh, God.
Look at me playing hard to get.
I don't think I have ever done that.
I tried it once.
But I was completely naked at the time, so the dude called my bluff.
Who the hell is beating on my door? Nana, it's me, Mike.
Oh, hey, Michael.
Carlton's not home.
Good night, baby.
Wait, wait.
Not home? Where did he go? Oh, I don't keep tabs on him, he's a grown man.
But he does like hot wings and big fake boobies if that helps narrow it down.
Strip club.
I don't think he was folding up dollar bills to put in the church collection plate.
Now, if you'll excuse me Brother Heywood stopped by for pie and coffee.
Oh, what kind of pie? The kind of pie that two consenting adults enjoy alone in the privacy of their own home.
Man, I am two for two.
So's Brother Heywood.
Good night, Michael.
I'm a doer.
I've always been.
In high school, French club, chess club, drama club band, jazz band, marching band, student council, editor of the school paper.
- French club.
Did I already say French club? - Yes, you did.
You might wanna slow down on those Red Bulls.
The point is I'm an active person.
A go-getter.
I backpacked through Europe one summer.
All by myself.
Okay, it wasn't the whole summer, but it was two and a half weeks.
The point is I have an adventurous soul.
I'm like Amelia Earhart.
Or that woman that lives with the gorillas.
Sigourney Weaver played her in the movie.
- I loved her in Ghostbusters.
- She was fantastic.
Funny, sexy, quirky.
See, that's who I am.
I'm fun and I've always been fun.
You don't keep a fun gal like me at home.
Take her out, show her around.
Red light! That was fun.
Wasn't that fun? I might've peed a little.
Oh! Me too.
Oh! Molly, it's Mike.
Where are you? I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the music.
Oh, great.
Yeah, I'm glad you're having a good time.
Me? I'm having a ball.
I don't know where your ball is.
Look under the couch.
So I guess I'll see you when I see you.
Hello? I threw a load of your whites in the dryer.
I had to spray some extra Zout on your pit stains.
Looked like you were sweating mustard.
- Thanks.
- So where's your little girlfriend tonight? She wanted some time to herself.
Oh, time to herself.
Well, you two had a good run.
Nothing you can do when the love bus goes off the cliff.
Nothing like that.
She just thinks we don't go out enough.
Why does she need to go out? You guys are in a committed relationship now.
The music has stopped, grab a chair.
Exactly.
She doesn't understand that I work hard every day and when I come home, I need to unwind.
Your father and I never went out.
We'd eat every meal right here in front of the TV.
- Every meal? - Yep.
As long as we had three squares and Barnaby Jones we didn't need a lot of jibber-jabber.
So that's all you guys did, was sit on the couch together and watch TV? Eventually, your father bought a second TV and watched it down in the basement.
So I'd leave his dinner on the top step and ring a little bell for him to come get it.
That's horrible.
Why don't I remember that? Oh, that was before you were born.
After you came along, we started to drift apart.
- Would you be terribly hurt if I? - Get out of here.
Thanks, Mom.
That lit a fire under his ass, didn't it, Jim? This place is fantastic.
Yeah, great music.
Plus, you don't have to worry about any of the guys hitting on you.
- Right.
You know, because they're all gay.
Yeah.
I gathered that.
Another good thing: No lines in the ladies' bathroom.
Occasionally, you'll walk in on something very disturbing but you just do your business and get out as quick as you can.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
How are you? Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Nice to see you.
Hell of a mustache.
Molly! Molly! No, no, no.
Not dancing.
Mike! Molly! That's my girlfriend.
I'm with her.
Coming through.
Nice nipple ring.
That had to hurt.
Detective Nelson.
I'm gonna assume you're undercover.
- Molly.
- What are you doing here? I came to tell you I'm sorry.
I don't wanna end up sitting in the basement waiting on the dinner bell.
I don't know what that means.
Means I don't ever wanna take you for granted.
And if you wanna go out, we'll go out.
We are out.
- Seriously? - Dance with me, big boy.
I'm not really much of a dancer.
- Consider it foreplay.
- Sold.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Tell me that was you that just grabbed my ass.
First one's free.
Next one's gonna cost you.
I think the problem, Jeffrey, is you're taking Steven for granted.
I mean, yes, you're a doctor, and that's a very demanding job but he works too.
He's on his feet all day long at the salon and at night he still cares enough to cram those things into those size 12 peekaboo pumps.
Ten and a half.
Okay.
I know better than to argue with a lady about her shoe size.
Mike, you ready to go home? Oh, sure, sweetie.
It's my girlfriend.
You know how it is.
- Well, you know how it is.
- Mike.
Nice to meet you guys.
You coming back tomorrow? It's cowboy-and-lndian night.
- Ooh.
It's cowboy-and-lndian night.
- We'll talk about it.
I can wear my boots.
Might be nice to stay home tomorrow night.
Come on, you never wanna do anything.
How would you feel about me growing a mustache? Sure.
Maybe get a nipple ring.
Someplace to hang your dry cleaning.