Mike & Molly s02e04 Episode Script

Wow, there's so many banquet halls to choose from.
Yeah, a veritable plethora of choices.
Mike what are you doing? You've already eaten all your weightwatcher points for today.
No, I still have three left.
No you ate those three points, sneaking that candy bar when you were taking out the garbage.
It was fun sized.
And how did you know about that? Well the first clue, was that you actually volunteered to take out the garbage and the second was the peanut shard stuck in your chest hair.
That peanut could have been there for days.
Fine, I'm not gonna be the diet police.
Okay, gimme that.
All right, I think I've got a couple that, you know, might work for us, and if we start saving now, I think we should be able to afford it.
Hang on, isn't it traditional for the bride's family to spring for the wedding? I think I'm a little old to ask my mommy to pay for our wedding.
I'll ask her.
And you'd feel comfortable with that? I eat candy next to garbage cans.
I'm not a prideful man.
Oh my God, look at that sweet ride.
Mike, we're in the middle of something.
Gorgeous.
What is she, a '57? You are correct, sir.
'57 Chevy Bel Air sport sedan.
It's got a 283 with a two-speed power glide.
When I was a kid, this was my dream car.
Well, this and the Oscar Meyer weiner mobile.
Well, for ten grand you can live the dream, my friend.
Deal.
No, no, no, no, Mike.
What are you doing? Right, you're right.
I'll give you $9,500.
Deal.
No, no deal.
She's right.
I should test drive it first.
Deal? Deal.
Could everybody just stop saying "deal"? Deal.
For the first time in my life I see love.
ooh, this is kinda neat.
You could get married on a four- hour cruise on Lake Michigan.
Sure.
The only thing people like more than sitting through a wedding is being trapped at sea with a boatload of drunk cousins.
Yeah, it shifts from a cocktail party to a hostage situation in about an appletini and a half.
What about just having a traditional church wedding? Well, Mike's mom would love it if we got married in a church, so we won't be doing that.
I did a good job with you girls.
I'm telling you, they don't make engines like that anymore.
Exactly.
So it's gonna cost me an arm and a leg for any replacement parts, and that should factor into your asking price.
You're not really considering buying that car, are you? Relax, I'm not going to drop eight grand on a used car.
You mean the used car you've been dry humping for the last hour? I was tryin' to get comfortable in the seat.
You unbuckled your pants.
That's how I get comfortable.
Fine, eight grand.
Vince, you're not going to sell that car to Mike for $8,000.
Thank you, mom.
We could get ten from a stranger.
Ten.
You already said eight.
How about what I said? Did you say something? You know what, do what you want.
But try and talk him down to $7,000 so you have enough left over to buy sex on the honeymoon! You heard the lady.
$7,000.
Yeah, the engine looks clean.
What's he asking for it? $8,000.
That's a good price.
And look at this back seat.
It's practically a hide-a-bed.
Oh yeah, you put in a toilet and a hot plate and it's an efficiency apartment.
What kind of gas mileage does it get? Only about six Miles to the gallon.
But it's got a 30-gallon tank.
Nice.
So almost 200 Miles between fill-ups.
Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm getting with the Galant now, but with none of the roominess or pizzazz.
Oh yeah, you're up to your nips in pizzazz.
What kind of safety features? It's got a horn, and I've got an airbag.
Oh, my lord.
The 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air.
Michael, is this your car? Thinking about it.
Ooh, I had me some good times in the back of a Bel Air.
I lost something in one of these I ain't never getting back.
I'm going to pretend she's talking about her high school ring.
I'd just turned 17 and had never been with a boy.
You know, because my momma was so strict.
Grandma, please, I don't need to be hearing all that mess.
You and Molly are going to look great riding around in this thing.
Just tell her not to wear her high heels in the back seat.
She'll puncture this upholstery and rip holes in the roof lining.
Grandma! To tell the truth, I don't think Molly's too keen on me buying this thing.
And we do have a wedding to pay for.
Well, she got an engagement ring.
Why can't you get something shiny? He was the handsomest boy in our church.
It was his daddy's car.
And I remember "if I had a hammer" was playin' on the radio.
And he did.
Grandma, seriously, that's not for my ears.
I'm just saying, this might be the last chance you get to do something nice for yourself.
You're right.
I mean, if I'm not happy, how am I ever gonna make her happy? Tug on her hair and stick a tongue in her ear.
If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the morning I'd hammer in the evening all over this land I'd hammer all the danger How come you get dessert and I don't? Because for breakfast I had cottage cheese and fruit and you had a fried egg on a pop-tart.
Listen, if I promise to budget my points better tomorrow, can I have a bite? Sorry, pal.
You've been playing with the house's money for about two days now.
You're telling me you didn't have anything to eat when you were at Carl's? No, I just showed him the car, that's all.
By the way, he thought it was a steal at that price.
Well, maybe he should buy it.
Carl would look like an idiot in that car.
Besides, his dream car is the Scooby-doo Mystery Machine.
He's a child.
Be that as it may, I just don't think it's a practical purchase right now.
That car is an investment.
It originally sold for $2,000.
it has appreciated 400%.
In my mind, we're driving around in our kids' college fund.
My thoughts exactly.
Listen, you can't decide anything until you take a ride in it.
And if you don't fall in love with it the way I did, I'll let it go.
All right, fine.
But we're stopping by to get some frozen yogurt because I still have five points left.
That's impossible.
I want to see your score card.
You're shavin' points somewhere.
No, I'm just not having secret picnics by the garbage cans.
I'm telling you, we'll get a lot of use out of this car.
You know how you're always telling me what a big load I am on the weekends? Well, in this baby, I'm a load on the road.
So it's basically just a couch that moves? Oh, it moves all right.
Can your couch do this? Oh my God, this thing is a rocket.
I told you.
We'd have a blast in this car.
I'm not saying it's not cool.
I just don't think it's very practical.
It'll be our vacation car.
We could take weekend road trips in it.
Well, it would be fun to get out of the house.
Maybe drive down Route 66.
We could take it all the way to the Grand Canyon.
Can I drive it? No.
I mean, yeah, yeah, you can drive it, but there's no power steering and you've really got to stand on the brakes.
So I'd never get to drive it? What? Who said that? Nobody said that.
This is our car.
I was just giving you a little heads-up about how she handles.
Well, just pull over and let me drive.
Okay, but I'm warning you, it's big, it's loud, and the tailpipe backfires.
I'll be fine, I sleep with you every night.
Well, maybe we can swing this.
You know, if we don't eat out as much, and we could scale back on the wedding.
Now you're talking.
I mean, we don't have to release all those doves for our first kiss.
Carl's got an Uncle that raises pigeons.
It's not like the audubon society's gonna be there.
Hey, give that horn a honk.
Cool, right? Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Okay, if we're going to really do this, let's have a plan.
Let's hit Vince with good cop/bad cop and I bet we can get him down to seven grand.
Well, you're close.
I got him down to $7,250.
Wait, you already bought the car? No, we already bought the car.
Do I know my lady or what? Uh-uh.
I don't understand why you're so upset.
I anticipated your needs.
I thought you liked it when I did that.
By anticipating my needs, I mean spraying Febreze on your feet before coming to bed, not tricking me into doing something that you've already done.
You say "trick", I say "delightful surprise"! The point is we're both proud owners of a cool, vintage automobile.
Oh, no, no, no.
I want nothing to do with that car, that's yours.
Oh come on, don't say that.
We're gonna have a blast in that thing.
We were halfway to the Grand Canyon a minute ago.
The only time I'm driving to a big hole with you is to push you in it.
Okay, I'm a police officer and technically, that's a death threat.
Well, book me, dumbo.
I can't believe you played me like that.
I knew when you saw how happy it made me, you'd want me to have it.
I mean, you want me to be happy, don't you? Are you happy right now? That depends.
Do I get to keep the car? Just so you know, I already deposited the check.
I'll deal with you later.
Shame on you for taking advantage of this candy-sneaking bonehead.
All right, if we're just going to resort to childish name-calling, I'm out of here.
And I don't care what you say, that car completes me.
I can't believe he bought that car from you behind my back.
In his defense, $7,800 is a great deal for that classic automobile.
$7,800? He told me $7,250.
Boy, every time he opens his mouth, a lie falls out of it, huh? Anybody got any jumper cables? I would've been a fool not to buy this car.
And if she doesn't want to ride in it, fine.
It'll just be the "bro-mobile.
" Does the "bro-mobile" have heat? Because I, for one, am freezing my bro-nads off.
Roll up the window, man.
Actually, better to leave the windows down until I get a handle on these exhaust fumes.
Yeah.
Every once in a while we should say the alphabet just to make sure nobody's getting brain damage.
Does the radio work? Absolutely.
You have your choice of conservative talk or contemporary ranchero.
What is that sound? It's just settling.
Older cars have to settle.
This thing has had It sounds like a wheelchair going down a metal staircase.
That is the Detroit symphony.
Music to my ears.
What comes after the letter "l"? "M".
You know, I still can't believe you bought this thing without clearing it with Molly.
Hey, I brought her in after the fact because I wanted to surprise her.
Like when the Senegalese army moves into your home, calls it a barracks, and tells you you're a corporal.
Surprise.
I never lied to her.
I just sat on the truth until she came around to my way of thinking.
Whatever you need to say to look yourself in the mirror.
By the way, where is the mirror? It snapped off in an arby's drive-thru.
This thing's a little wider than I'm used to.
Huh.
Well, that's new.
It's not that he bought the car, it's just that he did it without telling me.
He is kinda sneaky.
The other day I saw him eating a chocolate bar behind a tree.
I know, he thinks he's skinnier than the tree.
It's actually It's kinda cute.
Well, did you tell him that you didn't want him to buy the car? No, I can't do that.
Then every time he sees a classic car on the road, I'd be the bad guy.
It's like when mom wouldn't let me have a pet monkey.
Even now when I see a chimp or a little old Greek woman, I get pretty PO'd.
Yeah, just like that.
Sweetie, you're not fooling anyone.
You're covered in chocolate.
It's not chocolate, it's engine gunk.
Where's Vince? He's upstairs.
Having a little trouble with the ol' jalopy? It's all good.
You see, tinkering under the hood is part of the fun of owning a classic automobile.
Ah, well it looks like you're having the time of your life.
Oh, I am.
Excuse me.
Absolutely.
Jackass.
Vince? Vince! What do you want? We need to talk about the car.
Glad you're enjoying it.
What a deal, huh? Boy, you saw me coming.
Get out here.
Okay, so now you know my beauty secret.
You sold me a piece of crap.
Are you familiar with the expression, "buyer beware"? Are you familiar with the expression, "I'm a cop and you're going to get parking tickets for the rest of your life?" The corruption in this city sickens me.
Get goin'! The radiator's overheating, the transmission's slipping, and there's got to be a leak in the gas tank because I'm getting like four blocks a gallon.
You bought a car that's pushin' 60.
I'm only 58 and I have to repaint my hair every three weeks.
I also overheat and tend to leak.
Vince, I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey, I didn't know he was going to be such a baby about it.
Hey, I'm not being a baby, you just knew things about this car you didn't divulge.
Oh, and how did that make you feel? Deceived? Betrayed? Like a boob? I'm sorry, I didn't know I couldn't buy something with my money without clearing it with you.
Look, when you put this ring on my finger, we became a team.
It's not your money or my money, it's our money.
Okay, well then you owe me for half of that ring.
Which will easily cover the cost of the repairs.
Just give him the money back, Vince.
Then how is he ever going to learn from his mistakes? Do the right thing.
And make it fast.
In about four minutes you're gonna start looking like count Chocula.
All right, I'll give you seven grand for the car.
Deal.
Hold on a second, we paid $7,800 for it and we're not taking a penny less.
$7,800? The transmission slips, there's a leak in the gas tank, and the brakes are shot.
That thing's a death trap.
$7,250.
I need to confer with my partner before I make any kind of Take it.
Deal.
All right, are you sure you're ready to do this? Your finances, my finances Full disclosure.
Full disclosure.
This is the balance of my checking account, which does not reflect the $7,200 check from Vince.
You're a thrifty one, huh? Well, I try to live within my means.
Plus, I return my pop bottles and I use the neighbor's wi-fi.
And you wear your underwear until they look like vertical blinds.
Thrifty and sexy.
Sure.
So this, along with my savings account, is a nice little start on a nest egg.
Very impressive.
Thank you.
Your turn.
Okey-dokey.
Uh Just so you know, I'm not really, you know, a stickler for writing things down, but Just a, um Just a, you know, a ballpark.
This is everything? This is all your money? Well, I don't like to keep a lot in my checking account.
You don't make interest.
Smart.
So you got a lot in savings? Enough to keep the account open.
How can this be? You own your own car, you live with your mother.
Please tell me you're a drug addict.
Oh, don't be silly, I just You know, I like to To travel a bit.
Travel where? I don't know.
Asia, Africa.
South America.
Europe.
You know what I did with my two weeks' vacation last year? I dug a new septic tank in my mother's house.
And I charged her.
I went to Prague.
I took my sister.
It was amazing.
She had never been before.
You'd been there before? Yeah, I mean it was just a stop on my way to moscow with my mom.
Moscow? Well, I like to travel and my mom likes vodka.
It was either that or Poland, and I'm sort of Warsawed out.
Hang on, you're telling me this is all the money you've got? Yeah, you know, and I'm carrying I'm carrying a little Bit of credit card debt.
How little? Uh $17,000.
Wait, you're telling me you owe 17 grand? No We owe 17 grand.