Mike & Molly s03e12 Episode Script
Molly's Birthday
Hey, uh, doesn't somebody have a birthday coming up in a couple of days? That's right, I do.
And I hope you're not planning on making a big deal out of it.
Nope.
I'm just gonna stick with the step-by-step instruction manual you gave me.
Well Don't think of it as a manual.
Just, you know, little hints, crumbs, to guide you down the right path.
- Got it.
- You do 'em, you don't do 'em.
Up to you.
I see.
So you're not expecting to be "woken up at 8:00 a.
m.
"with butterfly kisses, warm croissants and English breakfast tea"? If it happens, that would be lovely.
And if it does, a little bouquet of fresh flowers would make it extra special.
Flowers.
- Your choice.
- Tulips.
Gerber daisies.
Color is totally your call.
Gerber daisies.
In yellow.
- I choose yellow.
- Ah! Shall I continue? Yes, I'm dying to hear what's next.
Well, after breakfast, we're going to the museum to see the dinosaurs.
Uh I-I didn't write "dinosaurs.
" Well, you wrote "museum" and that's where they keep 'em.
Well, I'm fine with whatever as long as I'm strolling hand in hand with the man I love.
- Aw.
- At the Rembrandt exhibit.
Art Mm-hmm.
Hand in hand.
Now, for lunch, I'm thinking falafel.
How far off am I? You know what? I should've been more specific.
I didn't know I was up against falafel.
Hey, guys.
You remember Tom, my friend-slash weed dealer, don't you? Hey, you remember Mike, my husband-slash police officer who arrests people who deal drugs? Not drugs, just weed.
Occasionally, 'shrooms, but all organically grown in his own greenhouse.
Hey, you don't have any Gerber daisies, do you? Tom's place is being tented and bombed for termites, so he's gonna crash here for a couple of days.
You mean, in the house? Hey, listen, not to harsh your mellow, but if I had a police dog here, would he be barking at your bag? Not unless he's been trained to sniff out pajamas and ginkgo biloba.
All right, just checking.
I'm very respectful of your home and your outdated marijuana laws.
Great.
We'll be like the sheepdog and the coyote when they say good morning at the time clock.
Looney Tunes fan! We'll get along just fine.
They're not sleeping together, are they? No.
She never brings home a guy with a job.
For the first time in my life I see love.
Good morning.
Might've been, if I'd have gotten any sleep last night.
Insomnia? No, you and Mr.
Zig-Zag hitting bongos and bongs all night long.
Oh, you could hear that? Did I sound flat on "Iko Iko"? Victoria, how long is Tom gonna stay here? This house is pretty full as it is.
As long as he wants.
He's one of my best friends.
I've known him since the ninth grade.
You've been buying weed from that guy since ninth grade? Tenth.
The first year was free.
Well, your houseguest is in the shower bogarting all my hot water.
Tom likes to start his day with a full-body loofah salt scrub.
Says it's like being reborn every morning.
Well, he better be crowning, otherwise, I'm heading up there with forceps.
Namaste, ladies.
Sure.
I've been cleansed in fire, now I must be baptized in ice.
What the hell does that even mean?! He used up all the hot water, so now he's gonna roll around naked in the snow.
Oh, great.
So we're gonna have a seven-foot nude hippie making snow angels in the backyard.
He is not like me and you.
He is an old soul.
Sees the world through a third eye.
Yeah, I just hope our neighbors don't get a good look at his third eye.
That's gross.
I know it's gross! I'm tired! I'm telling you, man, living alone is the way to go.
I can't believe I waited this long to move out of my grandma's house.
I can't believe she stacked all your stuff in the driveway and pushed it into the street with her car.
She was helping me move.
My grandma can't carry all those boxes with that bad back of hers.
Bad back didn't keep her from dancing in the street as you drove away.
Point is, I'm on my own.
I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.
You know what I did last night? Is it something I'm gonna want to hear while I'm eating? I sat buck naked on my couch No, it is not.
watching an X-rated lesbian movie, and nobody said "boo.
" Allow me.
Boo! Hey, I sat on a pot holder.
I'm not an animal.
Well, I'm glad you're making the most of your sweet freedom.
Well, you'll get a taste of it tonight when you come over to watch that fight on pay-per-view.
Oh, I can't.
It's Molly's birthday tomorrow and her wish list has become a ransom note.
What are you talking about? I already paid for the fight.
Plus I've been crockpotting chili for two days! Well, you can always freeze that.
But I made enough for you where am I gonna get that kind of freezer space? Carl, what can I tell you? It's my wife's birthday.
Do what you want to do.
It doesn't matter to me because I like being alone.
In fact, I prefer it.
You know what I'm gonna do right now? I'm gonna go sit in the squad car by myself and enjoy a little quality time.
What's the matter with him? He has never lived by himself, and like the rest of us, he has discovered that a little bit of Carl goes a very long way.
You're kidding.
I thought he was having a ball.
Well, last night he called me four times just to talk.
And now I know he was naked and sitting on a pot holder.
Thank God I didn't let him Skype like he wanted to.
Oh Oh-oh Ooh! Oh, oh, there it is.
That's Daddy's spot.
Oh! I thought you didn't like getting a rubdown from another man.
I usually don't, but this doped-out longhair has got the hands of an angel.
Shh.
Find your center.
You already found it, and I think your thumb's in it.
Oh! Hey! That's not the welcome mat I wanted to see! Namaste.
Tom's giving us all shiatsu massages.
He's adjusting my chakras.
Did I say it right, Weird Jesus? Mom, kitchen! All right! Hey, don't wear out those thumbs.
I got a couple of chakras nobody's been able to find yet.
Hey, I've tried.
Why do you think my neck's all out of whack? Okay, how are we gonna handle getting this guy out of here? What are you talking about? He makes dinner, gives everybody massages.
Of the men living here, he's not the one I'd get rid of.
Mom, are you forgetting that Shaggy in there also happens to be a pot dealer? I haven't forgotten.
But the man's giving us all massages.
We should wait before we hit him up for free weed.
There go my toxins.
I'm releasing! I'm releasing! I'm moving.
I'm moving! How you doing on toppings? 'Cause I could chop more onions and grate some cheese.
I'm good on fixings, Carl.
Well, anything you want, just holler.
If I ain't got it, I'll go get it.
I worry that all this love is being wasted on the wrong person.
Shh! The fight's starting.
Oh, this is gonna be a great bout.
These guys are perfectly matched.
I'm guessing this is gonna go the distance.
I think the Mexican guy just got knocked out.
Like hell he did.
I paid $40 for this fight.
He's gonna Get up! Carl, it's over.
His mouthpiece is in the third row and his teeth are still in it.
Well, that was fun.
What do you want to do now? Well, I DVR'd that lesbian porno movie and I only watched, like, four minutes of it.
Let me get this straight.
You're asking me to sit next to you on a couch while we watch an adult movie? It's that or Yahtzee.
Roll the film.
And don't sit so close.
You see I've been through the desert On a horse with no name It felt good to be out of the rain In the desert, you can't remember your name 'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain La, la, la-la-la-la-la La-la-la, la, la Everybody.
La, la, la-la-la-la La-la-la, la, la One more time! You see, I've been through the desert No, no, no more times.
No more times! The horse is dead! You really have a beautiful singing voice.
I told her she should quit her job and share her talent with the world.
Oh, you did, did ya?! You know, become a traveling troubadour like Bob Dylan or Jimmy Crack Corn.
Wow.
Masseuse, pot dealer and a career counselor.
Hey, you got to have faith.
- Just leap and the net will appear.
- Oh, yeah.
A net will appear, Tom, and it's gonna be two guys in white jackets throwing it on you and then tossing you in the back of a panel van.
Hey, who wants homemade gelato? I do.
Molly, what don't you like Tom? I just think he's a bad influence.
And I don't want you to end up living in some compound washing his feet with your hair.
It would appear that someone got a head start on the gelato.
Uh, it's cool.
They just need to know that they're gonna be high for about five days.
What do you mean high? Hi.
Do we have any more gelato? Not for you we don't.
You happy? My husband, the police officer, is now stoned out of his gourd.
If you're worried they're gonna check his urine, Tom can get you clean pee.
Absolutely and the first jar is free.
I'm gonna hit him.
I'm gonna punch him in his hippie face! No, Tom take care of this.
I'm on it.
I'll navigate his flight.
Hey, big buddy, hows about you and I go for a nice walk in the fresh air? Okay, and I'll be right here when you get back.
Are you happy? You turned my husband, the cop, into a dope fiend.
Don't worry, Tom is a total expert at guiding people down from a total freak-out.
He got away.
What? Oh, my God, do you realize that Mike could lose his job over this? Don't blame me he was the one that ate all the ice cream without asking what's in it.
That's what he does.
He once drank a whole pan of hot dog water thinking it was soup.
Okay, then it's my fault then, just blame me.
You blame me for everything.
Victoria, you are 32 years old.
You can't keep living your life like a teenager.
What is wrong with having a good time? I am not hurting anybody.
My husband is stoned and running amuck.
Well, you never make mistakes, do you? Little Miss Perfect.
Molly gets good grades, Molly only dates single men, Molly doesn't wake up under bridges.
Slow down, slow down.
Is that him? No, big stack of tires.
Keep driving.
Boy, you put a head on those things, that could be his twin brother.
Help me find my husband! Don't yell at me! Oh Hey You cold? How you doing, buddy? Ah! Warm? Booyah, Park Place! Pay up, bitch you uptown now.
Oh, if only I were.
Oh, good, Mike's here.
We're playing Monopoly you're the shoe, and I'm out of jail.
Come on in, man.
You want some chili? Chili! Good, you brought your appetite.
Relax, make yourself comfortable.
Thirsty! Well, let me grab you a beverage.
I got beer, I got soda pop.
I could make you a milkshake.
Mm, milkshake good.
Coming up.
I DVR'd the fight so you can watch it three or four times while I make your malted.
Mmm, M&M'S.
Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Just don't fill up on those 'cause I got a tub of chili with your name on it.
Mike! That's right.
What are we gonna do now? We can't call the police.
He's not picking up his phone.
We could put flyers up with his picture on it that says he answers to "Mike.
" I know I said there was no bad ideas, but that's a bad idea.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to help.
I think some of this could be my fault.
Some of it? How about all of it? You're right.
I'm just a big, stupid pothead with less sense than a squirrel.
I I didn't say you were stupid.
And I certainly didn't say "squirrel stupid.
" I just I wish you made better choices.
Probably should've just stayed at junior college.
But when a Backstreet Boy lures you on the tour bus, you don't worry that it's finals week.
Well, maybe you do.
That's bong water under the bridge.
You know, you could still go back.
You mean go back to school? Why not? You'd be a good student if you applied yourself.
I'm sure you've saved up a little bit of money.
$36,000.
What? Well, I don't pay rent.
And I haven't had to buy a meal or a drink since my boobs came in.
Wow.
Can I borrow $8,000? We should probably keep looking for Mike.
Okay.
Mmm.
All right, that's the last of the chili.
But don't worry, I'm whipping up some of my famous silver dollar pancakes.
Maple syrup.
Man, your phone's ringing again.
It might be important.
Mike's phone, Carl speaking.
Oh, hey, Molly.
Yeah, he's right here.
No, he's fine we're just hanging out, enjoying my new apartment.
Stoned? I don't think so.
Nah, it seems like the same ol' Mike.
Pancakes! Yup, same ol', same ol'.
Well, somebody's already slept through page one of his birthday list.
Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday, dear Molly Happy Birthday to you.
Aw, you remembered.
Well, you left a great big note on the fridge.
Well, that was actually more for Mike.
Thank you.
By the way, I am going to the college this morning to sign up for some classes.
Really? That's great.
I appreciate you believing in me.
I'll try not to let you down.
You could never let me down you're my baby sister.
Well, I'm gonna do it.
I mean, if not now, when? Besides I'm going to take a history class and if I wait much longer, there's gonna be a lot more to learn.
Very true and very smart.
Love you.
Love you.
"To the best big sister in the whole wide world.
" Aw No wonder the tightwad's got 36 grand.
Croissants.
Oh, help yourself.
But right when you get finished with that, we are going to the art museum.
Art museum? Cool.
Aw, you're still high.
And I hope you're not planning on making a big deal out of it.
Nope.
I'm just gonna stick with the step-by-step instruction manual you gave me.
Well Don't think of it as a manual.
Just, you know, little hints, crumbs, to guide you down the right path.
- Got it.
- You do 'em, you don't do 'em.
Up to you.
I see.
So you're not expecting to be "woken up at 8:00 a.
m.
"with butterfly kisses, warm croissants and English breakfast tea"? If it happens, that would be lovely.
And if it does, a little bouquet of fresh flowers would make it extra special.
Flowers.
- Your choice.
- Tulips.
Gerber daisies.
Color is totally your call.
Gerber daisies.
In yellow.
- I choose yellow.
- Ah! Shall I continue? Yes, I'm dying to hear what's next.
Well, after breakfast, we're going to the museum to see the dinosaurs.
Uh I-I didn't write "dinosaurs.
" Well, you wrote "museum" and that's where they keep 'em.
Well, I'm fine with whatever as long as I'm strolling hand in hand with the man I love.
- Aw.
- At the Rembrandt exhibit.
Art Mm-hmm.
Hand in hand.
Now, for lunch, I'm thinking falafel.
How far off am I? You know what? I should've been more specific.
I didn't know I was up against falafel.
Hey, guys.
You remember Tom, my friend-slash weed dealer, don't you? Hey, you remember Mike, my husband-slash police officer who arrests people who deal drugs? Not drugs, just weed.
Occasionally, 'shrooms, but all organically grown in his own greenhouse.
Hey, you don't have any Gerber daisies, do you? Tom's place is being tented and bombed for termites, so he's gonna crash here for a couple of days.
You mean, in the house? Hey, listen, not to harsh your mellow, but if I had a police dog here, would he be barking at your bag? Not unless he's been trained to sniff out pajamas and ginkgo biloba.
All right, just checking.
I'm very respectful of your home and your outdated marijuana laws.
Great.
We'll be like the sheepdog and the coyote when they say good morning at the time clock.
Looney Tunes fan! We'll get along just fine.
They're not sleeping together, are they? No.
She never brings home a guy with a job.
For the first time in my life I see love.
Good morning.
Might've been, if I'd have gotten any sleep last night.
Insomnia? No, you and Mr.
Zig-Zag hitting bongos and bongs all night long.
Oh, you could hear that? Did I sound flat on "Iko Iko"? Victoria, how long is Tom gonna stay here? This house is pretty full as it is.
As long as he wants.
He's one of my best friends.
I've known him since the ninth grade.
You've been buying weed from that guy since ninth grade? Tenth.
The first year was free.
Well, your houseguest is in the shower bogarting all my hot water.
Tom likes to start his day with a full-body loofah salt scrub.
Says it's like being reborn every morning.
Well, he better be crowning, otherwise, I'm heading up there with forceps.
Namaste, ladies.
Sure.
I've been cleansed in fire, now I must be baptized in ice.
What the hell does that even mean?! He used up all the hot water, so now he's gonna roll around naked in the snow.
Oh, great.
So we're gonna have a seven-foot nude hippie making snow angels in the backyard.
He is not like me and you.
He is an old soul.
Sees the world through a third eye.
Yeah, I just hope our neighbors don't get a good look at his third eye.
That's gross.
I know it's gross! I'm tired! I'm telling you, man, living alone is the way to go.
I can't believe I waited this long to move out of my grandma's house.
I can't believe she stacked all your stuff in the driveway and pushed it into the street with her car.
She was helping me move.
My grandma can't carry all those boxes with that bad back of hers.
Bad back didn't keep her from dancing in the street as you drove away.
Point is, I'm on my own.
I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.
You know what I did last night? Is it something I'm gonna want to hear while I'm eating? I sat buck naked on my couch No, it is not.
watching an X-rated lesbian movie, and nobody said "boo.
" Allow me.
Boo! Hey, I sat on a pot holder.
I'm not an animal.
Well, I'm glad you're making the most of your sweet freedom.
Well, you'll get a taste of it tonight when you come over to watch that fight on pay-per-view.
Oh, I can't.
It's Molly's birthday tomorrow and her wish list has become a ransom note.
What are you talking about? I already paid for the fight.
Plus I've been crockpotting chili for two days! Well, you can always freeze that.
But I made enough for you where am I gonna get that kind of freezer space? Carl, what can I tell you? It's my wife's birthday.
Do what you want to do.
It doesn't matter to me because I like being alone.
In fact, I prefer it.
You know what I'm gonna do right now? I'm gonna go sit in the squad car by myself and enjoy a little quality time.
What's the matter with him? He has never lived by himself, and like the rest of us, he has discovered that a little bit of Carl goes a very long way.
You're kidding.
I thought he was having a ball.
Well, last night he called me four times just to talk.
And now I know he was naked and sitting on a pot holder.
Thank God I didn't let him Skype like he wanted to.
Oh Oh-oh Ooh! Oh, oh, there it is.
That's Daddy's spot.
Oh! I thought you didn't like getting a rubdown from another man.
I usually don't, but this doped-out longhair has got the hands of an angel.
Shh.
Find your center.
You already found it, and I think your thumb's in it.
Oh! Hey! That's not the welcome mat I wanted to see! Namaste.
Tom's giving us all shiatsu massages.
He's adjusting my chakras.
Did I say it right, Weird Jesus? Mom, kitchen! All right! Hey, don't wear out those thumbs.
I got a couple of chakras nobody's been able to find yet.
Hey, I've tried.
Why do you think my neck's all out of whack? Okay, how are we gonna handle getting this guy out of here? What are you talking about? He makes dinner, gives everybody massages.
Of the men living here, he's not the one I'd get rid of.
Mom, are you forgetting that Shaggy in there also happens to be a pot dealer? I haven't forgotten.
But the man's giving us all massages.
We should wait before we hit him up for free weed.
There go my toxins.
I'm releasing! I'm releasing! I'm moving.
I'm moving! How you doing on toppings? 'Cause I could chop more onions and grate some cheese.
I'm good on fixings, Carl.
Well, anything you want, just holler.
If I ain't got it, I'll go get it.
I worry that all this love is being wasted on the wrong person.
Shh! The fight's starting.
Oh, this is gonna be a great bout.
These guys are perfectly matched.
I'm guessing this is gonna go the distance.
I think the Mexican guy just got knocked out.
Like hell he did.
I paid $40 for this fight.
He's gonna Get up! Carl, it's over.
His mouthpiece is in the third row and his teeth are still in it.
Well, that was fun.
What do you want to do now? Well, I DVR'd that lesbian porno movie and I only watched, like, four minutes of it.
Let me get this straight.
You're asking me to sit next to you on a couch while we watch an adult movie? It's that or Yahtzee.
Roll the film.
And don't sit so close.
You see I've been through the desert On a horse with no name It felt good to be out of the rain In the desert, you can't remember your name 'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain La, la, la-la-la-la-la La-la-la, la, la Everybody.
La, la, la-la-la-la La-la-la, la, la One more time! You see, I've been through the desert No, no, no more times.
No more times! The horse is dead! You really have a beautiful singing voice.
I told her she should quit her job and share her talent with the world.
Oh, you did, did ya?! You know, become a traveling troubadour like Bob Dylan or Jimmy Crack Corn.
Wow.
Masseuse, pot dealer and a career counselor.
Hey, you got to have faith.
- Just leap and the net will appear.
- Oh, yeah.
A net will appear, Tom, and it's gonna be two guys in white jackets throwing it on you and then tossing you in the back of a panel van.
Hey, who wants homemade gelato? I do.
Molly, what don't you like Tom? I just think he's a bad influence.
And I don't want you to end up living in some compound washing his feet with your hair.
It would appear that someone got a head start on the gelato.
Uh, it's cool.
They just need to know that they're gonna be high for about five days.
What do you mean high? Hi.
Do we have any more gelato? Not for you we don't.
You happy? My husband, the police officer, is now stoned out of his gourd.
If you're worried they're gonna check his urine, Tom can get you clean pee.
Absolutely and the first jar is free.
I'm gonna hit him.
I'm gonna punch him in his hippie face! No, Tom take care of this.
I'm on it.
I'll navigate his flight.
Hey, big buddy, hows about you and I go for a nice walk in the fresh air? Okay, and I'll be right here when you get back.
Are you happy? You turned my husband, the cop, into a dope fiend.
Don't worry, Tom is a total expert at guiding people down from a total freak-out.
He got away.
What? Oh, my God, do you realize that Mike could lose his job over this? Don't blame me he was the one that ate all the ice cream without asking what's in it.
That's what he does.
He once drank a whole pan of hot dog water thinking it was soup.
Okay, then it's my fault then, just blame me.
You blame me for everything.
Victoria, you are 32 years old.
You can't keep living your life like a teenager.
What is wrong with having a good time? I am not hurting anybody.
My husband is stoned and running amuck.
Well, you never make mistakes, do you? Little Miss Perfect.
Molly gets good grades, Molly only dates single men, Molly doesn't wake up under bridges.
Slow down, slow down.
Is that him? No, big stack of tires.
Keep driving.
Boy, you put a head on those things, that could be his twin brother.
Help me find my husband! Don't yell at me! Oh Hey You cold? How you doing, buddy? Ah! Warm? Booyah, Park Place! Pay up, bitch you uptown now.
Oh, if only I were.
Oh, good, Mike's here.
We're playing Monopoly you're the shoe, and I'm out of jail.
Come on in, man.
You want some chili? Chili! Good, you brought your appetite.
Relax, make yourself comfortable.
Thirsty! Well, let me grab you a beverage.
I got beer, I got soda pop.
I could make you a milkshake.
Mm, milkshake good.
Coming up.
I DVR'd the fight so you can watch it three or four times while I make your malted.
Mmm, M&M'S.
Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Just don't fill up on those 'cause I got a tub of chili with your name on it.
Mike! That's right.
What are we gonna do now? We can't call the police.
He's not picking up his phone.
We could put flyers up with his picture on it that says he answers to "Mike.
" I know I said there was no bad ideas, but that's a bad idea.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to help.
I think some of this could be my fault.
Some of it? How about all of it? You're right.
I'm just a big, stupid pothead with less sense than a squirrel.
I I didn't say you were stupid.
And I certainly didn't say "squirrel stupid.
" I just I wish you made better choices.
Probably should've just stayed at junior college.
But when a Backstreet Boy lures you on the tour bus, you don't worry that it's finals week.
Well, maybe you do.
That's bong water under the bridge.
You know, you could still go back.
You mean go back to school? Why not? You'd be a good student if you applied yourself.
I'm sure you've saved up a little bit of money.
$36,000.
What? Well, I don't pay rent.
And I haven't had to buy a meal or a drink since my boobs came in.
Wow.
Can I borrow $8,000? We should probably keep looking for Mike.
Okay.
Mmm.
All right, that's the last of the chili.
But don't worry, I'm whipping up some of my famous silver dollar pancakes.
Maple syrup.
Man, your phone's ringing again.
It might be important.
Mike's phone, Carl speaking.
Oh, hey, Molly.
Yeah, he's right here.
No, he's fine we're just hanging out, enjoying my new apartment.
Stoned? I don't think so.
Nah, it seems like the same ol' Mike.
Pancakes! Yup, same ol', same ol'.
Well, somebody's already slept through page one of his birthday list.
Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday, dear Molly Happy Birthday to you.
Aw, you remembered.
Well, you left a great big note on the fridge.
Well, that was actually more for Mike.
Thank you.
By the way, I am going to the college this morning to sign up for some classes.
Really? That's great.
I appreciate you believing in me.
I'll try not to let you down.
You could never let me down you're my baby sister.
Well, I'm gonna do it.
I mean, if not now, when? Besides I'm going to take a history class and if I wait much longer, there's gonna be a lot more to learn.
Very true and very smart.
Love you.
Love you.
"To the best big sister in the whole wide world.
" Aw No wonder the tightwad's got 36 grand.
Croissants.
Oh, help yourself.
But right when you get finished with that, we are going to the art museum.
Art museum? Cool.
Aw, you're still high.