Mike & Molly s04e03 Episode Script
Sex and Death
Previously on mike & molly: Molly is a writer now.
Peggy (chuckling): Oh.
Why didn't you say so? Let me clear a spot in my bookcase.
Molly: You know, it just so happens That there are a lot of regular women, just like me, Who have written best-selling books.
(blows raspberry) That's it, we're doing this.
Make your move, come on.
I'll give you one swing No, no, come on, nobody's fighting! Mike: Hey.
What you writing? Oh, just experimenting with a short story.
Really? I like short stories 'cause, You know, they're short.
Can I take a look? Oh, no, no, no.
It's not ready for public consumption.
Oh, come on.
I showed you that poem I wrote about the chicago bears.
Yeah, I remember, uh "the hall of fame will admitcha, If you listen to coach ditka.
" I wonder if he ever got it.
So, can you at least tell me what the story's about? Uh, let's see.
It's about a man and a woman and The day-to-day stuff they go through.
That's it? Mm-hmm.
Well, is it at least sexy? Sexy? No.
Pfft! Okay.
Well, when you're ready, I would love to read it.
You got it.
Okay.
Love you.
Love you, too.
By the way, I know it's sexy.
Pfft! What are you talking about? Because in all the time I have known you, You have never once gone "pfft!" What? Pfft! I just did it.
I do it all the time.
Ridiculous.
Pfft! (phone rings) (sighs) Oh.
Hey, victoria.
Yeah, we're still on for happy hour.
I don't know, a vodka tonic? It's 8:00 in the morning.
Do I really have to decide now? Okay, listen, I'm working.
I gotta go.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
Let's get this party started.
(loud beep) (beep) Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
(beep) (beep) (beep) All right, I get it.
I get it.
We hear you.
(beep) All right, we hear you.
(beep) You want to be a piñata? Worst (beep) Piñata Ever.
(beep) Ha! Yeah.
Huh? (beep) Shut you up, shut up, shut up.
Stop moving.
Stop moving! Yeah, you (grunts) (breathes heavily) I wish there was blood.
(beep) Oh, you son of a bitch.
Where are you?! (beep) Which one of you is it, huh? (beep) Now ask your friend in the kitchen how this is gonna end! (beep) (beep) (beep) See what you did?! for the first time in my life I see love.
(can spraying) There you go.
No more embarrassing bald spot.
Victoria.
Yeah, I'm not done yet.
Come on in.
Not a chance.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Beg to differ.
Oh, don't be a baby.
Get in here.
(sighs) fine.
I'm in.
Why are you looking up at the ceiling? Because there are no dead people up there.
Well, you're gonna be looking up there for a while 'cause I need like another hour.
Are you kidding? Oh, god! Why didn't you call me? Sorry.
I got caught up trying to plug the holes In that drug dealer's head.
I might just put a hat on him.
Maybe a do-rag.
Oh, god.
Covering your eyes? Really? Yes, I prefer not to have the images of death Seared into my brain.
Do you want to see a brain? No.
No! Are you sure? 'cause I got one here right in a jar.
No, no, I'll wait for you in the car.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
Oh! Mike: Hello? Anybody home? Molly? Oh.
"mike, "having a drink with victoria.
See you later.
M.
" Well, I guess it's just me.
It is just me, right?! Oh, this is wrong.
This is so wrong.
(imitating tweety): I am a bad puddy tat.
Huh.
Okay, password protected.
Smart.
"mike and molly.
" And I'm in.
"the story of m.
" "the warmth of his excitement awoke something inside her.
Something animal.
" "pfft," my ass.
"she reached back with her eager hand And greedily sought his turgid girth.
" Girth, I know.
Turgid, I'm not so sure about.
No, that's enough, that's enough.
Oh, who am I kidding? I could really use that drink about now.
Almost done.
You said that three bodies ago.
Come on in.
You can keep me company.
I can't.
Sorry.
Sure you can.
You just got to do this one step at a time.
(groans) here.
Look at mrs.
Kilgallon.
I Don't want to.
Just look at her.
She was a nice old lady who died peacefully in her sleep.
So, no bullet holes? Well, just a tramp stamp, believe it or not.
All right, I'll look.
Ooh-hoo, ooh.
Look, I'm looking.
(giggles) See? Nothing to be scared of.
Nope.
You're right.
(continues nervous giggling) Do you want to touch her? No, I couldn't, no.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
She doesn't mind.
I mind, I mind.
Why are you giggling? I don't know.
But I can't stop.
Just give her a little poke.
Poke? No, no poking, can't poke.
This will be great for your writing.
You're always saying that you want to experience new things So that you can describe them.
Ugh, I did say that, didn't I? Okay.
Ooh.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
(giggles) Ooh! Ooh! I did it.
I touched her.
I touched a dead lady.
Ooh.
See? It's no big deal.
Actually, she's a lot colder than I thought she'd be.
It's like It's like, uh, touching bologna.
That reminds me, I got some cold cuts in the fridge.
You hungry? Ooh.
Oh, god, she opened her eyes.
Look-it, she opened her eyes! Calm down.
Sometimes this happens.
Oh.
Aah! Bologna.
Aah! "he was helpless, "his hands bound behind his back While her hungry mouth greedily enveloped his sw" Yo, big guy.
Oh, nothing! What you doing? Just grabbing a bite.
(chuckles) molly's not home, nobody's home, I didn't do anything.
That molly's laptop? Yeah, I be I believe that is.
She's pretty private about what's on there.
You're not reading it, are you? No.
Pfft.
All right.
See you in the morning.
Night.
Night.
Mike.
Nothing! (quietly): Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, god.
You okay? Well, I'd kill for some purell.
Sorry mrs.
Kilgallon gave you the hairy eyeball.
I don't know how you can do this for a living.
Oh, it's like anything.
You get used to it.
Yeah, but doesn't it make you a little sad? Sometimes, sure.
But over the years, you find little ways to cope.
Like what? Like marijuana.
Want some? No, that's not my thing.
You sure? Just a little toke to take the edge off.
No.
We were gonna go drinking.
This is just a different approach To solving the same problem.
What problem? Life, baby.
Okay, fine.
Fire it up.
All right, I should tell you, The last time I smoked pot was in college and it didn't Have much effect on me.
Who's a dead person? You're a dead person.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, yes, you are.
"he grabbed a fistful of her chestnut hair "and dragged her to the bay window "where the entire town "could see her surrender.
"she had no choice.
She was a slave to his tumescent length.
" Yikes.
Who'd have thought your meek little wife Knew 50 different words for boner? She went to college.
You know, your vocabulary expands.
"expands.
" that's funny.
It's wild.
Her-her diary's nowhere near this dirty.
You read her diary? You hacked her computer.
We all have blood on our hands.
All right, all right.
The question is, what do I do now? I know what I'd do.
I'd study this thing like it was the talmud.
What? Your wife just handed you an erogenous road map To her protected wetlands.
Use it.
No.
I'm not really the "kinky, tie 'em up, Put things where they don't belong" kind of guy.
Well, this isn't about you.
It's about molly wanting to try new things.
I mean, how would you like it if someone Served you the same stack of pancakes every morning? Are you kidding? That's his fantasy.
You just made his stomach turgid.
What I'm saying is, You might have to step outside your comfort zone To please your wife.
Aw.
That's why joyce and I are so compatible.
I will wear, eat or do anything.
Anything.
Aah! You got to go easy on the blush.
Relatives hate it when grandma looks like a whore.
You know, the last time I was at a funeral was dad's.
That was a while back.
Yeah, I was Eight.
I kept, I kept hoping that he was gonna Sit up and yell, "surprise.
" And he didn't.
No, he He didn't.
I don't remember any of that.
Well, sweetie, you were three.
You remember him at all? Not really.
Just the smell of beer and hai karate and smoke.
But that could've been mom.
You would have liked him.
He was really funny and And sweet-tempered.
He was like a He was like a giant teddy bear.
Sounds like mike.
Huh.
How about that.
Well, the good news is I'm clearly not freaked-out By any of this dead business anymore.
Good.
Then I think you're ready for this.
You ever seen balls this big in your life? I'm gonna need more pot.
(whistle) mmm.
Aw.
Gentlemen.
Hey, I thought you were staying in tonight.
Yeah, well, molly's out with her sister So I thought maybe I'd join you boys.
Can I get a round for my friends? What? Everything okay? Yeah, it's all good.
Why? Y-you called us friends, and you're buying.
Very funny.
I see the eagles are running that new offense, huh? Mm-hmm.
I don't know why you would go and change something that's working.
Well, there is wisdom In mixing things up so the defense Can't predict your every move.
That's crap.
Straight-ahead, smash-mouth football.
May not be pretty, But it gets the job done every time.
No, I agree with samuel.
Changing the playbook puts excitement back into the game.
There's plenty of excitement in the game.
It's all about fundamentals, damn it.
Whoa.
Okay.
So, problems in the bedroom? Buy your own stupid drinks.
(molly and victoria giggle) Ooh.
Caskets.
That one there? Like $50,000.
(gasps) That's more than my car.
Worth it.
Hop in.
Give it a test drive.
No way.
Come on, I do it all the time.
What? No.
It's a perfect place to take a nap.
'cause you're crazy.
(giggles) Good evening, ms.
Flynn.
Won't you join me? I want to try that.
Oh, I'm getting in a coffin.
I'm getting in a coffin.
Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh.
I'm in a coffin.
This is extremely comfortable.
Right? (vacuum cleaner starts) Get down, get down, get d (whispers): Stop it.
(vacuum cleaner stops) (vacuum cleaner resumes) Ouch.
(giggling) (vacuum cleaner stops) Do you want a bugle? (screams) I'm sorry, but funeral parlors rock.
I just feel bad for the cleaning lady.
Well, How were we supposed to know she'd just lost her mother? Good night.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm married to a cop.
Do I smell like mara-hoochie? (sniffs) No.
Just cadavers and corn nuts.
Great.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night, vince.
(giggles) What? Good night, mom.
(giggles) Ooh, the pot.
(snores) Mike? Oh, hey, mol.
What you doing? If you have to ask, I failed.
(sighs) Do I have to change the password on my laptop? Probably a good idea.
Can you take these cuffs off? Yeah.
When I'm done with you.
Peggy (chuckling): Oh.
Why didn't you say so? Let me clear a spot in my bookcase.
Molly: You know, it just so happens That there are a lot of regular women, just like me, Who have written best-selling books.
(blows raspberry) That's it, we're doing this.
Make your move, come on.
I'll give you one swing No, no, come on, nobody's fighting! Mike: Hey.
What you writing? Oh, just experimenting with a short story.
Really? I like short stories 'cause, You know, they're short.
Can I take a look? Oh, no, no, no.
It's not ready for public consumption.
Oh, come on.
I showed you that poem I wrote about the chicago bears.
Yeah, I remember, uh "the hall of fame will admitcha, If you listen to coach ditka.
" I wonder if he ever got it.
So, can you at least tell me what the story's about? Uh, let's see.
It's about a man and a woman and The day-to-day stuff they go through.
That's it? Mm-hmm.
Well, is it at least sexy? Sexy? No.
Pfft! Okay.
Well, when you're ready, I would love to read it.
You got it.
Okay.
Love you.
Love you, too.
By the way, I know it's sexy.
Pfft! What are you talking about? Because in all the time I have known you, You have never once gone "pfft!" What? Pfft! I just did it.
I do it all the time.
Ridiculous.
Pfft! (phone rings) (sighs) Oh.
Hey, victoria.
Yeah, we're still on for happy hour.
I don't know, a vodka tonic? It's 8:00 in the morning.
Do I really have to decide now? Okay, listen, I'm working.
I gotta go.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
Let's get this party started.
(loud beep) (beep) Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
(beep) (beep) (beep) All right, I get it.
I get it.
We hear you.
(beep) All right, we hear you.
(beep) You want to be a piñata? Worst (beep) Piñata Ever.
(beep) Ha! Yeah.
Huh? (beep) Shut you up, shut up, shut up.
Stop moving.
Stop moving! Yeah, you (grunts) (breathes heavily) I wish there was blood.
(beep) Oh, you son of a bitch.
Where are you?! (beep) Which one of you is it, huh? (beep) Now ask your friend in the kitchen how this is gonna end! (beep) (beep) (beep) See what you did?! for the first time in my life I see love.
(can spraying) There you go.
No more embarrassing bald spot.
Victoria.
Yeah, I'm not done yet.
Come on in.
Not a chance.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Beg to differ.
Oh, don't be a baby.
Get in here.
(sighs) fine.
I'm in.
Why are you looking up at the ceiling? Because there are no dead people up there.
Well, you're gonna be looking up there for a while 'cause I need like another hour.
Are you kidding? Oh, god! Why didn't you call me? Sorry.
I got caught up trying to plug the holes In that drug dealer's head.
I might just put a hat on him.
Maybe a do-rag.
Oh, god.
Covering your eyes? Really? Yes, I prefer not to have the images of death Seared into my brain.
Do you want to see a brain? No.
No! Are you sure? 'cause I got one here right in a jar.
No, no, I'll wait for you in the car.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
Oh! Mike: Hello? Anybody home? Molly? Oh.
"mike, "having a drink with victoria.
See you later.
M.
" Well, I guess it's just me.
It is just me, right?! Oh, this is wrong.
This is so wrong.
(imitating tweety): I am a bad puddy tat.
Huh.
Okay, password protected.
Smart.
"mike and molly.
" And I'm in.
"the story of m.
" "the warmth of his excitement awoke something inside her.
Something animal.
" "pfft," my ass.
"she reached back with her eager hand And greedily sought his turgid girth.
" Girth, I know.
Turgid, I'm not so sure about.
No, that's enough, that's enough.
Oh, who am I kidding? I could really use that drink about now.
Almost done.
You said that three bodies ago.
Come on in.
You can keep me company.
I can't.
Sorry.
Sure you can.
You just got to do this one step at a time.
(groans) here.
Look at mrs.
Kilgallon.
I Don't want to.
Just look at her.
She was a nice old lady who died peacefully in her sleep.
So, no bullet holes? Well, just a tramp stamp, believe it or not.
All right, I'll look.
Ooh-hoo, ooh.
Look, I'm looking.
(giggles) See? Nothing to be scared of.
Nope.
You're right.
(continues nervous giggling) Do you want to touch her? No, I couldn't, no.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
She doesn't mind.
I mind, I mind.
Why are you giggling? I don't know.
But I can't stop.
Just give her a little poke.
Poke? No, no poking, can't poke.
This will be great for your writing.
You're always saying that you want to experience new things So that you can describe them.
Ugh, I did say that, didn't I? Okay.
Ooh.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
(giggles) Ooh! Ooh! I did it.
I touched her.
I touched a dead lady.
Ooh.
See? It's no big deal.
Actually, she's a lot colder than I thought she'd be.
It's like It's like, uh, touching bologna.
That reminds me, I got some cold cuts in the fridge.
You hungry? Ooh.
Oh, god, she opened her eyes.
Look-it, she opened her eyes! Calm down.
Sometimes this happens.
Oh.
Aah! Bologna.
Aah! "he was helpless, "his hands bound behind his back While her hungry mouth greedily enveloped his sw" Yo, big guy.
Oh, nothing! What you doing? Just grabbing a bite.
(chuckles) molly's not home, nobody's home, I didn't do anything.
That molly's laptop? Yeah, I be I believe that is.
She's pretty private about what's on there.
You're not reading it, are you? No.
Pfft.
All right.
See you in the morning.
Night.
Night.
Mike.
Nothing! (quietly): Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, god.
You okay? Well, I'd kill for some purell.
Sorry mrs.
Kilgallon gave you the hairy eyeball.
I don't know how you can do this for a living.
Oh, it's like anything.
You get used to it.
Yeah, but doesn't it make you a little sad? Sometimes, sure.
But over the years, you find little ways to cope.
Like what? Like marijuana.
Want some? No, that's not my thing.
You sure? Just a little toke to take the edge off.
No.
We were gonna go drinking.
This is just a different approach To solving the same problem.
What problem? Life, baby.
Okay, fine.
Fire it up.
All right, I should tell you, The last time I smoked pot was in college and it didn't Have much effect on me.
Who's a dead person? You're a dead person.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, yes, you are.
"he grabbed a fistful of her chestnut hair "and dragged her to the bay window "where the entire town "could see her surrender.
"she had no choice.
She was a slave to his tumescent length.
" Yikes.
Who'd have thought your meek little wife Knew 50 different words for boner? She went to college.
You know, your vocabulary expands.
"expands.
" that's funny.
It's wild.
Her-her diary's nowhere near this dirty.
You read her diary? You hacked her computer.
We all have blood on our hands.
All right, all right.
The question is, what do I do now? I know what I'd do.
I'd study this thing like it was the talmud.
What? Your wife just handed you an erogenous road map To her protected wetlands.
Use it.
No.
I'm not really the "kinky, tie 'em up, Put things where they don't belong" kind of guy.
Well, this isn't about you.
It's about molly wanting to try new things.
I mean, how would you like it if someone Served you the same stack of pancakes every morning? Are you kidding? That's his fantasy.
You just made his stomach turgid.
What I'm saying is, You might have to step outside your comfort zone To please your wife.
Aw.
That's why joyce and I are so compatible.
I will wear, eat or do anything.
Anything.
Aah! You got to go easy on the blush.
Relatives hate it when grandma looks like a whore.
You know, the last time I was at a funeral was dad's.
That was a while back.
Yeah, I was Eight.
I kept, I kept hoping that he was gonna Sit up and yell, "surprise.
" And he didn't.
No, he He didn't.
I don't remember any of that.
Well, sweetie, you were three.
You remember him at all? Not really.
Just the smell of beer and hai karate and smoke.
But that could've been mom.
You would have liked him.
He was really funny and And sweet-tempered.
He was like a He was like a giant teddy bear.
Sounds like mike.
Huh.
How about that.
Well, the good news is I'm clearly not freaked-out By any of this dead business anymore.
Good.
Then I think you're ready for this.
You ever seen balls this big in your life? I'm gonna need more pot.
(whistle) mmm.
Aw.
Gentlemen.
Hey, I thought you were staying in tonight.
Yeah, well, molly's out with her sister So I thought maybe I'd join you boys.
Can I get a round for my friends? What? Everything okay? Yeah, it's all good.
Why? Y-you called us friends, and you're buying.
Very funny.
I see the eagles are running that new offense, huh? Mm-hmm.
I don't know why you would go and change something that's working.
Well, there is wisdom In mixing things up so the defense Can't predict your every move.
That's crap.
Straight-ahead, smash-mouth football.
May not be pretty, But it gets the job done every time.
No, I agree with samuel.
Changing the playbook puts excitement back into the game.
There's plenty of excitement in the game.
It's all about fundamentals, damn it.
Whoa.
Okay.
So, problems in the bedroom? Buy your own stupid drinks.
(molly and victoria giggle) Ooh.
Caskets.
That one there? Like $50,000.
(gasps) That's more than my car.
Worth it.
Hop in.
Give it a test drive.
No way.
Come on, I do it all the time.
What? No.
It's a perfect place to take a nap.
'cause you're crazy.
(giggles) Good evening, ms.
Flynn.
Won't you join me? I want to try that.
Oh, I'm getting in a coffin.
I'm getting in a coffin.
Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh.
I'm in a coffin.
This is extremely comfortable.
Right? (vacuum cleaner starts) Get down, get down, get d (whispers): Stop it.
(vacuum cleaner stops) (vacuum cleaner resumes) Ouch.
(giggling) (vacuum cleaner stops) Do you want a bugle? (screams) I'm sorry, but funeral parlors rock.
I just feel bad for the cleaning lady.
Well, How were we supposed to know she'd just lost her mother? Good night.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm married to a cop.
Do I smell like mara-hoochie? (sniffs) No.
Just cadavers and corn nuts.
Great.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night, vince.
(giggles) What? Good night, mom.
(giggles) Ooh, the pot.
(snores) Mike? Oh, hey, mol.
What you doing? If you have to ask, I failed.
(sighs) Do I have to change the password on my laptop? Probably a good idea.
Can you take these cuffs off? Yeah.
When I'm done with you.