Milo Murphy's Law (2016) s01e12 Episode Script
Murphy's Lard
1 [TITLE MUSIC.]
# Look at that sun Look at that sky # # Look at my sweater vest I look so fly # # Look at that mailbox Look at that tree # # It's about as beautiful as it can be # # Whoa # Today is gonna be exceptional Never boring even for a minute # It's my world and we're all livin' in it # # Whoa, whoa # Never boring even for a minute # It's my world and we're all livin' in it # [POPS.]
Welcome everyone to LardWorld Lard is slippery, greasy, fun Rendered fat that comes from piggies Welcome, welcome everyone Lardee Boy is here to greet you Hi, my name is Lardee Boy.
If you play his Lardee games You're sure to win a Lardee toy LardWorld, LardWorld LardWorld, LardWorld Welcome to LardWorld The lardest amusement park [CHEERING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
You know, no matter how many times I come to LardWorld, I'm always surprised how much fun you can have with rendered pig fat.
Look out, frosting! [SQUELCH.]
Guys, I think you know and I know, that it's time we went on the scariest lard-based ride Greased Thunder! [PLAYING TRUMPET.]
[INHALES.]
[CONTINUES PLAYING.]
[SPUTTERS.]
You know thunder's a sound, how can it be greased? The same way you grease lightning.
[WHISPERS.]
With lard.
Right, Melissa? Melissa? [ECHOING.]
Melissa Melissa Melissa, Melissa, Melissa.
Would you cut it out?! It's nothing, okay? Okay, it just seems like you're - Losing it big time? - Yeah! That! I wouldn't want you two to think any less of me.
You can tell us, Melissa.
You're in the trust circle.
Well, there's three of us.
So, it's a trust triangle.
Alliteration, up high! Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me try it with this hand.
You know what? Let's just not.
MELISSA: Okay, I'll tell you.
I'm afraid of Rollercoasters.
Okay, that's actually a pretty normal thing.
But how can you be afraid of rollercoasters? I've seen you walk a tightrope over stampeding llamas.
Powdered sugar.
[SIGHS.]
It was the first day of Summer.
Everything seemed normal.
I'd just finished assembling a cool science project in my backyard.
When suddenly [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
Done! [CRASH.]
[SCREAMING.]
I used to love rollercoasters, but I didn't know they could drop from the sky and crush your dreams! Why were you assembling a science project on the first day of Melissa, you understand that the chances of that happening again are, like, even less than it happening the first time.
- Lightning never strikes twice! - Milo's been struck twice.
Both times on my birthday.
Sprinkles! Hey, I get it.
I've got stuff I'm afraid of too.
- Like what? - It was three years ago My parents and I took a pontoon up the Saskatchewan River.
I was going to the worst place in the world.
And I didn't even know it yet.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[GASPS.]
A fish! [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
Son, you shouldn't get out of the boat.
ZACK: "Never get out of the boat.
" Absolutely right.
You know, Chinese finger traps still terrify me.
How long has that been on your finger? [SCREAMS.]
Milo! You're not supposed to get out of the donut.
ZACK: Never get out of the donut.
Absolutely right.
Here you go, one bag of pistachios.
You'll have to shell them yourself, which makes it a perfect theme-park snack.
Especially for the guy who has to sweep up around here.
Incidentally, that's also me.
[ELECTRIC DISCHARGE.]
Good afternoon, Mr Henry.
We are inspecting all of the pistachio stands in the area to make sure they meet strict governmental safety guidelines.
For instance, is this particular stand fireproof? Uh Or can it withstand an attack by a barnyard animal? - Pig for instance? - Or both, what if a flaming pig attacked? Yes! Could this cart withstand the onslaught of a flaming pig.
- Hmm? I don't think so! - I do not think so.
You're not serious.
There's no way a flaming pig Listen, kid.
Corporate sent us to protect these nuts.
So back off and let us do our job, okay? I didn't even know there was a corporate.
[WHISPERING.]
There's always a corporate.
- Come on, Melissa.
Face your fear.
- We could help.
We'll be right there with you.
Every wild turn and plummeting drop, and gut-wrenching loop.
- The over-describing is helping.
- [MUFFLED.]
Okay, look.
If you do it, Melissa, I'll face my fear too.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Really? Okay.
We'll both face our fears.
- What about Zack, though? - Zack, you're off the hook due to a general lack of fish in the area.
Right, a shame I can't face my fear, too.
- Yes! - MELISSA: I saw that! MILO: Come on, Melissa, we'll start by just looking at the ride.
Ah! [TAPPING.]
That's not wood! You pesky picidae.
Well, that was weird.
To be fair, from above, my head does look like mahogany.
[SCREECHING.]
[TAPPING.]
So what are you doing tonight? You know, this is a lot of work for one person.
Could you do something? I could.
And I am.
I'm eating pistachios.
And now I'm playing the harmonica.
[PLAYS HARMONICA.]
Oh great, now it's clogged.
[RUMBLING.]
Good heavens, I better hurry! Just one more bolt.
[SCREAMING.]
Oh confound it! Come on! Hey, you might wanna hurry up with that.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
[CRASHES.]
[WHIMPERS.]
If you're still alive, can we go home now? Negative, the window of probability is still open.
Cool.
It'll give me time to practice the theremin.
[PLAYING ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
You know, you're right.
There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
[CRASHES.]
I wanna beat this.
BOTH: Thunder, thunder, thunder ALL: Thunder, thunder! [WHIMPERS.]
Kudos, Melissa! The fact that you're willing to face your fear is a tribute to your character.
You are the embodiment of strength, of will and an inspiration to everyone.
Your intestinal fortitude is truly impressive.
Milo's right.
We're both proud of you, Melissa.
You're like the Joan of Arc of theme parks.
- Wasn't Joan of Arc burned at the stake? - She was! She wasn't afraid of rollercoasters, though.
- She was not.
- Oh, okay.
I guess that's reassuring.
MILO: Just relax and enjoy the ride! Yeah, safe, yeah.
We'll be safe.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Hey look! he safety railing came loose.
Just like last time! Zack! We're on a rollerocaster with Milo! - Huh? - I said we're on a rollercoaster with See this? This is what freaks me out.
You're right Melissa, this was a bad idea.
I don't know what I was [SPLASHES.]
Maybe I shouldn't be here when she gets back.
Don't worry, Melissa.
If I can do it, you can do it.
I mean, Zack's right, it's perfectly safe! Or as safe as can be expected, given the height, and the speed and Murphy's Law.
I'll stop talking now.
Oh look! The top of a plane.
Here we [SCREAMING.]
[MELISSA SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
[HEART BEATING.]
MILO: Clogged artery, wait for it Oh, my Lord! [CRASHING.]
[EXPLOSION.]
There, you see? Flaming pig.
I don't understand this at all.
Mea culpa.
So sorry.
You were a zillion percent right.
Mission completed.
Initiate disengagement protocol.
Roger that What? - CAVENDISH: Take down the thing.
- Oh.
Hold my clarinet.
Oh, my Lord! [SCREAMING.]
I know facing your fears is scary, Milo, but right now, I need your fear to face mine.
Ah! It worked.
- Oh, thank goodness that's over.
- I don't know, Melissa, this looks like the beginning of the ride.
Look, see there's the top of that plane again.
Hi, plane! We're going through that same thing again? [SHATTERS.]
No, I think this time it'll be a little different.
MELISSA: What's that supposed to mean? [SCREAMING.]
[EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING.]
[DINGS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
We hope you enjoyed Greased Thunder, and you can pick up your LardCam photos at [BUBBLING.]
Never mind [SPLASH.]
[POP.]
Oh, that's how they work! Ha! Now that I know your secret, you're no longer a threat to me.
I wonder where Lardee Boy's head went.
[CRASH.]
[SPEAKING ALIEN TONGUE.]
It looks like we've done a bang-up job.
[WHISTLING.]
[CRASHES.]
[EXPLOSION.]
Dakota, play me out.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[PLAYING BLUES.]
- My wheelbarrow full of fish! - All sales are final.
Thanks, guys.
After that, no rollercoaster is ever going to scare this girl again.
Yup.
Nothing's going to scare us anymore.
[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.]
They're even scarier in bags! [TITLE MUSIC.]
# We're all livin' in it # CHORUS: # Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # MILO: Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational.
Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # Whoa # # Whoa # # I'm not sitting here watching the world turn # You know I'd rather spin it Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # It's my world and we're all livin' in it #
# Look at that sun Look at that sky # # Look at my sweater vest I look so fly # # Look at that mailbox Look at that tree # # It's about as beautiful as it can be # # Whoa # Today is gonna be exceptional Never boring even for a minute # It's my world and we're all livin' in it # # Whoa, whoa # Never boring even for a minute # It's my world and we're all livin' in it # [POPS.]
Welcome everyone to LardWorld Lard is slippery, greasy, fun Rendered fat that comes from piggies Welcome, welcome everyone Lardee Boy is here to greet you Hi, my name is Lardee Boy.
If you play his Lardee games You're sure to win a Lardee toy LardWorld, LardWorld LardWorld, LardWorld Welcome to LardWorld The lardest amusement park [CHEERING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
You know, no matter how many times I come to LardWorld, I'm always surprised how much fun you can have with rendered pig fat.
Look out, frosting! [SQUELCH.]
Guys, I think you know and I know, that it's time we went on the scariest lard-based ride Greased Thunder! [PLAYING TRUMPET.]
[INHALES.]
[CONTINUES PLAYING.]
[SPUTTERS.]
You know thunder's a sound, how can it be greased? The same way you grease lightning.
[WHISPERS.]
With lard.
Right, Melissa? Melissa? [ECHOING.]
Melissa Melissa Melissa, Melissa, Melissa.
Would you cut it out?! It's nothing, okay? Okay, it just seems like you're - Losing it big time? - Yeah! That! I wouldn't want you two to think any less of me.
You can tell us, Melissa.
You're in the trust circle.
Well, there's three of us.
So, it's a trust triangle.
Alliteration, up high! Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me try it with this hand.
You know what? Let's just not.
MELISSA: Okay, I'll tell you.
I'm afraid of Rollercoasters.
Okay, that's actually a pretty normal thing.
But how can you be afraid of rollercoasters? I've seen you walk a tightrope over stampeding llamas.
Powdered sugar.
[SIGHS.]
It was the first day of Summer.
Everything seemed normal.
I'd just finished assembling a cool science project in my backyard.
When suddenly [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
Done! [CRASH.]
[SCREAMING.]
I used to love rollercoasters, but I didn't know they could drop from the sky and crush your dreams! Why were you assembling a science project on the first day of Melissa, you understand that the chances of that happening again are, like, even less than it happening the first time.
- Lightning never strikes twice! - Milo's been struck twice.
Both times on my birthday.
Sprinkles! Hey, I get it.
I've got stuff I'm afraid of too.
- Like what? - It was three years ago My parents and I took a pontoon up the Saskatchewan River.
I was going to the worst place in the world.
And I didn't even know it yet.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[GASPS.]
A fish! [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
Son, you shouldn't get out of the boat.
ZACK: "Never get out of the boat.
" Absolutely right.
You know, Chinese finger traps still terrify me.
How long has that been on your finger? [SCREAMS.]
Milo! You're not supposed to get out of the donut.
ZACK: Never get out of the donut.
Absolutely right.
Here you go, one bag of pistachios.
You'll have to shell them yourself, which makes it a perfect theme-park snack.
Especially for the guy who has to sweep up around here.
Incidentally, that's also me.
[ELECTRIC DISCHARGE.]
Good afternoon, Mr Henry.
We are inspecting all of the pistachio stands in the area to make sure they meet strict governmental safety guidelines.
For instance, is this particular stand fireproof? Uh Or can it withstand an attack by a barnyard animal? - Pig for instance? - Or both, what if a flaming pig attacked? Yes! Could this cart withstand the onslaught of a flaming pig.
- Hmm? I don't think so! - I do not think so.
You're not serious.
There's no way a flaming pig Listen, kid.
Corporate sent us to protect these nuts.
So back off and let us do our job, okay? I didn't even know there was a corporate.
[WHISPERING.]
There's always a corporate.
- Come on, Melissa.
Face your fear.
- We could help.
We'll be right there with you.
Every wild turn and plummeting drop, and gut-wrenching loop.
- The over-describing is helping.
- [MUFFLED.]
Okay, look.
If you do it, Melissa, I'll face my fear too.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Really? Okay.
We'll both face our fears.
- What about Zack, though? - Zack, you're off the hook due to a general lack of fish in the area.
Right, a shame I can't face my fear, too.
- Yes! - MELISSA: I saw that! MILO: Come on, Melissa, we'll start by just looking at the ride.
Ah! [TAPPING.]
That's not wood! You pesky picidae.
Well, that was weird.
To be fair, from above, my head does look like mahogany.
[SCREECHING.]
[TAPPING.]
So what are you doing tonight? You know, this is a lot of work for one person.
Could you do something? I could.
And I am.
I'm eating pistachios.
And now I'm playing the harmonica.
[PLAYS HARMONICA.]
Oh great, now it's clogged.
[RUMBLING.]
Good heavens, I better hurry! Just one more bolt.
[SCREAMING.]
Oh confound it! Come on! Hey, you might wanna hurry up with that.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
[CRASHES.]
[WHIMPERS.]
If you're still alive, can we go home now? Negative, the window of probability is still open.
Cool.
It'll give me time to practice the theremin.
[PLAYING ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
You know, you're right.
There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
[CRASHES.]
I wanna beat this.
BOTH: Thunder, thunder, thunder ALL: Thunder, thunder! [WHIMPERS.]
Kudos, Melissa! The fact that you're willing to face your fear is a tribute to your character.
You are the embodiment of strength, of will and an inspiration to everyone.
Your intestinal fortitude is truly impressive.
Milo's right.
We're both proud of you, Melissa.
You're like the Joan of Arc of theme parks.
- Wasn't Joan of Arc burned at the stake? - She was! She wasn't afraid of rollercoasters, though.
- She was not.
- Oh, okay.
I guess that's reassuring.
MILO: Just relax and enjoy the ride! Yeah, safe, yeah.
We'll be safe.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Hey look! he safety railing came loose.
Just like last time! Zack! We're on a rollerocaster with Milo! - Huh? - I said we're on a rollercoaster with See this? This is what freaks me out.
You're right Melissa, this was a bad idea.
I don't know what I was [SPLASHES.]
Maybe I shouldn't be here when she gets back.
Don't worry, Melissa.
If I can do it, you can do it.
I mean, Zack's right, it's perfectly safe! Or as safe as can be expected, given the height, and the speed and Murphy's Law.
I'll stop talking now.
Oh look! The top of a plane.
Here we [SCREAMING.]
[MELISSA SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
[HEART BEATING.]
MILO: Clogged artery, wait for it Oh, my Lord! [CRASHING.]
[EXPLOSION.]
There, you see? Flaming pig.
I don't understand this at all.
Mea culpa.
So sorry.
You were a zillion percent right.
Mission completed.
Initiate disengagement protocol.
Roger that What? - CAVENDISH: Take down the thing.
- Oh.
Hold my clarinet.
Oh, my Lord! [SCREAMING.]
I know facing your fears is scary, Milo, but right now, I need your fear to face mine.
Ah! It worked.
- Oh, thank goodness that's over.
- I don't know, Melissa, this looks like the beginning of the ride.
Look, see there's the top of that plane again.
Hi, plane! We're going through that same thing again? [SHATTERS.]
No, I think this time it'll be a little different.
MELISSA: What's that supposed to mean? [SCREAMING.]
[EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING.]
[DINGS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
We hope you enjoyed Greased Thunder, and you can pick up your LardCam photos at [BUBBLING.]
Never mind [SPLASH.]
[POP.]
Oh, that's how they work! Ha! Now that I know your secret, you're no longer a threat to me.
I wonder where Lardee Boy's head went.
[CRASH.]
[SPEAKING ALIEN TONGUE.]
It looks like we've done a bang-up job.
[WHISTLING.]
[CRASHES.]
[EXPLOSION.]
Dakota, play me out.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[PLAYING BLUES.]
- My wheelbarrow full of fish! - All sales are final.
Thanks, guys.
After that, no rollercoaster is ever going to scare this girl again.
Yup.
Nothing's going to scare us anymore.
[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.]
They're even scarier in bags! [TITLE MUSIC.]
# We're all livin' in it # CHORUS: # Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # MILO: Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational.
Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # Whoa # # Whoa # # I'm not sitting here watching the world turn # You know I'd rather spin it Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # It's my world and we're all livin' in it #