Misfits Episode Scripts

Series 2, Episode 2

I'm immortal! Who are you? Who are you? Your new probation worker.
What happened to the other probation worker? What happened to the other probation worker? I didn't mean to kill her, it was an accident! 'So who was it who saved your life?' Some guy in a mask.
# HOWLIN' WOLF: Smokestack Lightning CONTAINS VIOLENCE & GRAPHIC IMAGES FROM THE START, STRONG LANGUAGE & SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE (MOANS) Seriously, put some clothes on.
Ah, come on! Who says you can't have an ASBO and an all-over tan? Oh, wrong! (WHISTLES) I'm looking for Nathan.
Why? Why're you looking for him? Who are you? I'm his brother.
I haven't got a brother.
I'm a classic example of an only child.
Not any more.
How is that even possible? We've got the same dad.
And you're sure about that? He didn't tell you about me? I guess it slipped his mind.
Yeah, OK.
I've always wanted a brother.
# The city breathing # The people churning # The conversating # The price is what? # The conversating # This place is heaven # If you see them.
# MOBILE PHONE RINGS Oh, hiya, Dad, it's your sonNathan.
So here's the thing - my brother came to see me today.
But I haven't got a brother! So who's this? It's my brother? What the fuck?! Anyway, so, umcall me.
(URINATES) That is fuckin' disgusting.
Where's Nathan? He's in the locker room.
He's in the locker room.
Oh, that's funny, because I was just in there, I didn't see him.
He had a family emergency.
He had a family emergency.
What kind of emergency? His brother came to see him.
And how is that an emergency? He's got cancer.
Oh, really? Yeah, his brother was like crying and shit.
It was really sad.
Think he needed a drink.
Oh, so Nathan's taken him to the pub, has he? His brother hasn't got cancer, has he? His brother hasn't got cancer, has he? He might have.
He should feel for lumps in his testicles.
Right.
So how was it with Dad when you saw him? Yeah, it was all right, you know, it was OK.
Let me take a wild guess - he was a useless twat? Pretty much, yeah.
Yeah, that's our dad for you.
Don't take it too personally, though.
Hey, fuck him.
Who's she? Oh! Let's just say, been there, boof! Done that.
Beautiful burger nipples.
Like a pair of beef patties.
D'you like that? Yeah, what's not to like? I love burgers, I love breasts.
It's like a meal deal! Another one? Yeah.
Hey Fuck off.
Two pints of your cheapest lager, please.
So how would you feel about having sex with me? I would, but I have this thing about having sex with bouffant-haired wankers.
Whoa! Cool power.
Don't sweat it, I'm immortal.
Seriously? I thought it was just me.
I thought it was just me.
No, no.
I've died twice in the last two weeks.
Anyway, who are you calling bouffant? Your hair - it's quite big.
Well, I like to give the ladies something to hold onto.
Well, I like to give the ladies something to hold onto.
That's very thoughtful of you.
I'm a very thoughtful person.
Here, what is it with you and breaking the glasses? Sorry.
Clean it up! Who's the cunt? THUMP! What a pussy! What a pussy! You want me to go back in there and kick the shit out of him? No, leave it.
Leave it, leave it.
It's probably for the best, you know? Move on.
Are you all right? I can't believe he did that.
I feel really bad.
Call me sometime.
Oh.
Yeah, I'll do that.
And that, little brother, is how you pull women.
My car.
My car's gone! What d'you mean? It was parked, right here, it's gone! Welcome to the neighbourhood.
Fuck, shit.
Shit! Hey, hey.
Could have been worse.
Last week, someone was thrown off one of those towers.
It was carnage.
Dad was in the boot.
Dad? Our Dad? Why was he in the boot of your car? Cos he's a twat! I think I'm going to need a little bit more information than that.
I think I'm going to need a little bit more information than that.
I went to see him.
It's like he didn't want to be bothered with me.
I lost it.
I hit him with a toaster.
You hit him with a toaster?! And then you put him in the boot of your car?! I was going to make him apologise to Mum for being such a wanker to her.
Oh, well! I'm sure that would've been a touching reunion! I was going to let him out.
And then you say, "Let's go for a beer.
" "Sure, I'll just let Dad out of the boot.
" Was he all right when you put him in there? He wasn't too happy.
I can't say I'm entirely surprised.
Are you out of your fucking mind?! Fuck you! He was there for you! You don't know how this feels! You don't know! I suppose we better go and find our dad.
I spent ages thinking what it would be like to meet him, you know? What I'd say or what he'd say.
He didn't even turn the fuckin' TV off.
Fuckin' MasterChef! Whatever ideas you had about touching scenes of father and son, forget about it.
OK? He's not interested.
I'm sorry, man.
Please tell me that's not your car.
(BOTH COUGH) Is it yours? Is it?! I don't know! I don't know! It could be! Dad! Ow! Shit! Oh, my God, thank you! Oh, thank you, God.
Jesus.
That's my car! Thatthat's my car! Hey! Our dad's in the boot! Hey! Our dad's in the boot! OK, here's the plan - I'll provoke them into chasing me, and you get the car.
OK? Yeah? All right.
Are you doing business? You want gear? You want gear? No, no.
The other kind of business.
You know You're very cute.
You, not so much, but there's always room for a little one.
You taking the piss? Shall we say, er, a hundred quid? I'm thinking, I do you, you do me, we all end up in a hot tub.
All right, all right, there's an extra 20 in it if you tie me up and hit my balls with a cactus.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS WEAKLY) (CONTINUES TO LAUGH) Hundred quid, yeah? Yep.
Let's go somewhere more private.
OK.
Let's see the money, then, mate.
Let's see your cocks.
I want to know what I'm working with, so I can prepare CAR ENGINE STARTS CAR ENGINE STARTS mentally and physically Give me the fucking money! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Give me the fucking money.
SHOUTING Come on! Can't believe we done that! We're like the Mitchell brothers, only we're not bald, ugly and shit! We're like the Mitchell brothers, only we're not bald, ugly and shit! Go on! Ha-ha! (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) KNOCKING We should probably let Dad out of the boot.
Come here, you little fuckin' bucket of piss! All right, look, listen.
I'll untie you, but I want you to promise me that you won't be angry.
(MUFFLED ANGRY SCREAMING) OK, he's not going for it.
Come on, now, let's get him out of there.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING) Stop wriggling! SIRENS APPROACH Ow, stop! Stop! Shit! It's complicated.
(SCOFFS) Try me.
I didn't see the point in telling you about him.
It would have just upset your mother.
Upset her more than you cheating on her, or walking out on us and just generally being a complete twat? And you never even tried to contact him? Brilliant(!) Yeah.
First class parenting there, Dad, well done(!) I thought about seeing him.
The longer it went on, it just got harder.
And you wonder why he hit you in the head with a toaster and put you in the boot? He just turned up out of the blue.
I didn't know what to say to him! (SIGHS) Even for you, that is just unbelievably shit.
Like you never got anything wrong.
We're not so different, you know.
We're completely different.
I'm gracefully tall, you're freakishly short.
Where do you get this stuff? I don't know, it just comes to me, I have a gift.
Sowhat are you going to do about him? Well, what am I supposed to do? You're supposed to be a dad to him.
Well, I don't even know him.
Yeah? What's your excuse with me? Every time I try to work things out with you, you throw it back in my face.
Don't change the subject! We're talking about your other son! Don't change the subject! We're talking about your other son! The little shit should be grateful I am not pressing charges! You know what? He's better off not knowing you! I wish, I wish I was him! Where are you going? That's right, Dad.
Walk away with your tiny little legs, you fucking midget! DOOR OPENS Where's Dad? He's gone.
Come on.
(PANTS) MOBILE PHONE BEEPS See you later? See you later? See you, man.
Is your brother staying with you? Yeah.
I've always wanted a brother.
Someone to idolise me.
I can advise him, teach him stuff.
Like what? Like, er Does he know how to dance? Do you? Well, I'll get lessons, cos that's what brothers do for each other.
You got any brothers? A sister.
Is she cute? You should think about getting me and her together.
Hey, man.
Someone's going to.
Better it be a close friend.
Someone you trust to be gentle, and respectful.
Me.
She's 12! Oh! Probably best to leave it a couple of years, then.
Something you want to tell me? If it's the booze missing from the kitchen, I know nothing about that! It's about you disappearing to the pub yesterday.
Ohthat.
Ohthat.
Yeah! Forget the booze, then.
Don't take the piss.
I never do.
SNIGGERING That's not so special! Whatever! (CURTIS) Who is this guy? (CURTIS) Who is this guy? I don't know.
He was following me.
I think he might have sent the note telling us to go to Nathan's grave.
I think he might have sent the note telling us to go to Nathan's grave.
Does he know about our powers? Yeah.
He kinda reminds me of the guy who rescued me.
Erdid I miss something? Oh, yes.
I got surrounded by a whole bunch of those "virtue" virgins, right? I was just about to kick three kinds of shit out of themgirls included.
This fella swoops in on his BMX, all dramatic like, and gives me a backie.
He can pedal! I'll give him that.
He can pedal! I'll give him that.
When were you gonna tell us? He can pedal! I'll give him that.
When were you gonna tell us? I didn't think it was relevant.
A masked guy appears out of nowhere and rescues you? How is that not relevant? All right, I'm sorry, I forgot! All right, I'm sorry, I forgot! LIQUID HISSES We need to find him.
We need to find him.
Look, if he wants to dick around, > trying to be a super-hero, let him.
Who has time for that shit? Right! He's just a chancer, chancing it.
What does he actually know? He seems to know everything.
We're going out tonight.
Are you coming? We're going out tonight.
Are you coming? Oh, yeah, cool, man.
I'll bring my little brother.
We are gonna be knee deep in pussy! You ain't even getting a sniff! (SCOFFS) Hang on! What's this?! The phone number of a beautiful girl.
I think someone's getting laid! And you think I give a shit? Ooh! She's so into me and she doesn't even know it.
I think you should go and see our useless prick of a dad.
Yeah, right.
Just cos I have a shite relationship with him doesn't mean you have to.
If he's not interested in you, why would he be different with me? If he's not interested in you, why would he be different with me? Well, you know Some would probably say I wasn't the easiest kid in the world.
(SNIGGERS) Maybe you should try and sort things out? Too much shit's happened between me and him.
I was so jealous of you I thought you and him would be big mates.
My eighth birthday, right.
He's supposed to be taking me out for the day, so he takes me to IKEA.
He buys so much flat-pack furniture, there's no room for me in the car, so he leaves me there for three hours! Then some guy with a beard sees me hanging around and buys me lunch.
I spent my eighth birthday eating Swedish meatballs with a known paedophile! Did he? No, no! Dad got back as we were finishing our ice cream, but that sick pervert cared more about me than Dad ever did.
He would've taken me to the zoo.
ENGINE STARTS What? Nothing.
# THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS: Swoon # There's nothing else # Just remember to fall in love # There's nothing else There's nothing else # Just remember to fall in love # There's nothing else There's nothing else # Just remember to fall in love # There's nothing else There's nothing else # THE SONG CONTINUES MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH Hey, hey! > Hey! Hey, these are my friends! I'm not your friend.
Hey, you look even prettier in the dark.
That's original! That's original! Jesus! Sorry.
I'm trying not to be such a cold bitch.
Cold.
As in, you know.
frigid? I have intimacy issues, OK? OK, OK! In my experience, there isn't any problem that can't be solved by getting really drunk.
Hey, my brother doesn't know anything about the whole power thing, so Cheers, man.
All right, man.
You all right? Very! You up for a pill? You up for a pill? Yeah, thanks.
You can have two.
Cheers.
I don't take drugs.
Right.
What's that? What? Nothing.
Have a good night, man.
Nothing.
Have a good night, man.
Thanks.
# Just remember to fall in love # There's nothing else There's nothing else # MUSIC CHANGES, THE CROWD CHEERS So how are we gonna do this? They're not cattle! Show them some respect! Just choose one! Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
Catch a liar by the toe.
If she hollers, let her go.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe! Oh, fine! You have the pretty one! Sweet! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, whatever! I thought she was with you? Who? No! That was just an elaborate plan to make you jealous.
I can't even remember her name.
I can't even remember her name.
You don't remember anyone's name.
There's some seriously weird shit going on with your eyes! I think this pill's kicking in.
Why're you interested in me? You can get loads of prettier girls.
No, I didn't mean to say that.
You can get loads of prettier girls.
No, I didn't mean to say that.
So what if there are? I like you andthere's no explaining that.
What if you think I'm shit in bed? I've only slept with four blokes.
Seriously? Yeah! You're practically a virgin.
Hey, I respect that! This pill's doing something weird to my power, making me say what's in my head.
Sometimes, I think I fucking love you.
It's not me.
It scares me, cos I know you'll end up hurting me, like most blokes do, cos you're a useless prick, just like your dad.
I did eeny, meeny, miny, moe, and you lost, and I still chose you! But now I'm changing my mind.
Jamie can have you, and I'm having .
.
the pretty one! Nathan? Get off me, you skanky bitch! (MAN) Oi, you skank! (2ND MAN) Filthy bitch! (WOMAN) You minger! (MAN) Dirty little skank! (GASPS) Hey.
I was just thinking about you.
What're you doing? I don't want to get come on my dress.
It's dry clean only.
No I can't do this.
What? (GASPS) Alisha! You're fucking amazing! Dance with me.
Fuck! Fella in the next cubicle.
You got any toilet roll in there? Nathan? It's me.
Barry? Hey, man.
Help me out! Something weird's happening.
Everyone's looking at me.
That'll be the pills.
Kelly said it did something to her powers.
I didn't take one.
I think my brother may have spiked you.
Well, I know he did.
When you say everyone was looking at you .
.
do you mean girls? Everyone.
It's like it's reversed my power.
Want my advice? Find a nice, sweet, innocent girl and take advantage of her I can't use a power like that.
I really don't see it happening for you otherwise.
Maybe we need to build up your confidence first.
Let's get you a prostitute.
There's a girl on the estate, right.
She's not all that looks wise, not since the accident, but looks clean.
Clean enough for what you want.
TOILET FLUSHES TOILET FLUSHES Have you seen Lily? I think she went outside with Jamie.
That's supposed to be me getting into her knickers! Nathan Make sure you don't get killed.
Nathan?! I feel really weird! I'm burning up! I'm so hot! I'm so hot! Let me have a look at you.
(PANTS) You're fine.
You're beautiful.
Ohah LAUGHTER AND CHATTER (GROANING) (PANTING) Get off me! Jamie! Jamie! Jamie! Get off me! My brother's in there! My brother's in there! Jamie! Jamie! (VOICE BREAKS) Jamie! Jamie! Jamie! Oh I thought you were dead, you stupid bastard! (SOFT PANTING) (GROANS IN PAIN) (SOFT PANTING) She just started freaking out.
Then she threw me out of the car.
She's dead, man.
There was nothing I could do.
This isn't down to you.
This is just one of those .
.
just totally fucked-up situations.
Who knew that would happen? > What's with her bursting into flames like that? That's not normal.
Yeah, there was a storm.
> Bunch of us got superpowers.
I'm immortal.
Big reveal.
Seriously? Yeah.
Oh, I feel like shit.
I've been thinking.
You were right.
I should try and sort things out with Dad.
Will you come and see him with me? I can't see that helping anybody, least of all me.
You'll be fine.
You'll get on with him.
I hit him with a toaster and locked him in the boot of my car.
OK, yeah, so it's going to be a bit awkward at first.
We've all been there.
Well, maybe not there, but somewhere similar.
Just gloss over it.
I don't know what to say to him.
Come on, man.
Do this one thing.
Come with me.
No.
You know, the worst thing about it - it wasn't any different to my normal power.
Either way, I'm untouchable.
Don't say that.
Don't say that.
It's true.
What did you see when you went forward? I was standing on a roof, like I was going to jump off it.
I was just a superhero.
You're saying you've become a superhero? Dunno.
Then what happened? Nothing.
Ow! Fucker.
Why did you hit me? Cos I panicked.
Don't make a big deal out of it.
Tell him.
OK, look.
I know it's too late for me and you.
I get that.
I've known you didn't give a shit ever since you left me in IKEA with that paedophile.
ever since you left me in IKEA with that paedophile.
What paedophile? My eighth birthday.
IKEA! The guy with the Swedish meatballs? I don't remember that.
How very convenient.
Is this about the guy who was seeing your mum who you said was trying to sexually abuse you? No, I made that up! This is something else.
IKEA paedophile! Jesus, meatballs! This isn't about who was or who wasn't trying to sexually abuse me.
It's about you and Jamie.
So I'm pretty much a complete write-off.
That's fine.
Nathan Nathan Whatever.
And so he hit you with a toaster and kidnapped you, but you know what they say? Don't fuck a wounded bear! Jamie's dead.
He's standing right there.
What? It caught fire.
I've just had to go and identify his body.
MOBILE BUZZES This is his mother.
I've got to talk to her.
Hi.
You're dead? Yeah.
So how come I can see you? I guess it's cos you're immortal.
No, this isn't happening.
No.
I can fix this.
How do I fix this? You can't.
You can't.
I don't want you to die, mate.
It wasn't down to you .
.
so don't go all mental about it.
To be honest, it's not so bad.
So if you're dead, what am I doing here, exactly? I wanted you to sort things out with Dad.
Look, no offence, but I think it's going to take more than you dying to fix years of resentment, missed birthdays and all that dysfunctional bullshit, but it was a lovely thought(!) (SNIFFLES) Look at him.
I went to the hospital when Jamie was born.
His mum was asleep.
I was just standing there, looking down at him.
I thought I had to choose.
I chose you and your mum.
> They didn't even know I was there.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
I wasn't there for either of you.
I was a selfish prick.
I'm sorry, Nathan.
You want this, so don't be a dick.
I will haunt you for the rest of your life.
I will haunt you for the rest of your life.
All right! I'm starving.
Do you want to buy me breakfast or not? Yeah, OK.
OK.
So, can I drive? Have you passed your test? Have I passed my test?! I give the tests! So you haven't.
No.
(I'm fucking her).
What? Nothing.
Hey.
Where've you been? You know, just hanging out with my dead brother.
What are you talking about? I see dead people.
So there's a thing.
I'm sorry to hear about Jamie, yeah? You were there for him.
(CLEARS THROAT) > The guy in the mask.
I followed him.
I know where he lives.
> Yeah? What do you want us to do about it? I think we should go round there and talk to him.
This is it.
So what do we do now? Jesus! Jesus! Oh, subtle(!) I'm sure no-one heard that.
This is a girl's bedroom.
So now we're saying he's a cross-dresser? Something's wrong.
I'm going to take a shit in his bed.
What?! What?! I don't think you should do that.
We need to send a message.
Let him know he can't fuck with us.
How does taking a shit in his bed do that? They did it in The Godfather.
They put a horse's head in the bed.
Well, have you got a horse's head? This isn't his flat.
So why did he lead us here? Maybe he knew I was following him.
I'm done.
Who are you? Why are you in my flat? It's you.
Someone grab me some toilet paper? 'I love him.
' Are you telling me you're gay? Gay, straight, retarded, why do we have to label everything? I feel like I know you.
You can help yourself.
You'retouching me.
Who are you? Red Bee Media Ltd