Misfits Episode Scripts

Series 2, Episode 4

What the fuck is going on? Since when did you run around jumping off buildings? Since I travelled back from the future.
So what happens now? You fall in love with me.
Am I going to die? I'm not going to let that happen.
You can never tell Simon I'm him.
Is this doing anything for you? I'm a guy, we're not that fussy.
I just think we should be mates.
You OK? Brilliant.
Can I do anything, like? You got a spare heart? What? What you doing? Nothing.
Well, if you're done being all superheroey, with your little clocks, you can come back to bed.
# War, huh, yeah # What is it good for? # Absolutely nothing Uh-huh, oh # War, huh, yeah # What is it good for? # Absolutely nothing # Say it again, y'all # War, huh, huh, look out # Hey.
Who's the new guy? What's your name again? It's Ollie.
Right.
These are some other young offenders.
He's going to be doing his Community Service thing with you lot.
Are you saying he's like a new member of the gang? Whatever.
Look, piss off and pick up some litter.
Hi.
# The city breathing # The people churning # The conversating # The price is what? # The conversating # This place is heaven # And if you see them # Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.
What do we do if he does find out? We kill him.
I'm joking.
You're making jokes now? Excuse us.
You're creeping out of your weird little shell.
I get that.
Good for you.
But let's get one thing straight, I'm the funny guy round here.
He's coming.
All right? What did you get done for? I was arrested for vandalising a coal-fired power station.
We were protesting against CO2 emissions.
DISINTERESTED GROAN Have any of you got one of these weird powers? What? What powers? I was only asking because I've got one.
Oh, yeah, us too.
I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.
What can you do? I can teleport.
Let's see you do it then.
Whoa! Ahem.
That's shit.
You could've walked there quicker.
Sometimes I go further than that.
That's really impressive.
I honestly thought something more exciting was going to happen.
This is great.
So are we all right? You know, what with me slipping you a finger? I don't even want to think about it, all right? Does all this get recycled? What's with this guy? He's fucking crazy! Oh.
Do you think he was talking about this fella? Where's Conti? Oh, it's him.
He's a right Conti.
Did you think I was going to let it go? I want my money.
Give the man his money.
I haven't got your money.
Roxy? So you're with him now? I was still waiting for you at the church when the cops picked me up.
Not being funny, mate, but you're acting like a right nutter.
He's clearly suffering from a mental illness.
I want my money.
Let me talk to him.
Don't, look, just leave it.
It's OK.
I've had some training in conflict resolution.
This should be entertaining.
What's your name? It's OK.
I'm not going to hurt you Run! Run! Run! Oh, fuck's sake! Fuck! He shot him.
He shot the new guy.
We should go back for him.
He was hit in the head.
He's fucked.
Hey, no.
It's OK.
He's fine.
He's over there.
I don't see him.
What? Oh, then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all OK, on account of him being dead.
This is messed up.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, new guy! Sorry you got shot, man.
Hey, fuck you! What was that? He just got shot and you're insulting him? He made an obscene gesture.
I don't care if he's dead.
There's no excuse for rudeness.
You should rewind time.
You can save him.
Go on, then.
Well, I didn't know him.
I'm not feeling it.
Yeah, he was a bit of a twat.
There's something wrong with you.
Come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that.
Better him than me.
You're immortal.
Better him, than one of you.
# Think of your fellow man Lend them a helping hand # Put a little love in your heart # You see it's getting late Oh, please don't hesitate # To put a little love into your heart # And the world, the world, would be a better place # Oh, and the world, the world, would be a better place # For you # And just for me, and me # You just wait, just wait #And see # Another day goes by Still the children cry # Put a little love into your heart # If you want the world to know # You knew? You knew it was going to happen? Why didn't you stop it? I can't save everyone.
That's bullshit.
If I'd have stopped it from happening, someone else would've died.
The police want witness statements off all of you.
And try not to screw it up cos I don't need them on my back.
Think you can manage that? Good.
Is that it? Aren't you going to even pretend to be a little bit sad? Do you know how much paperwork's involved when someone gets shot doing community service? I've got health and safety forms coming out of my arse.
So sure, we're all very sad! So there it is.
It's a cruel, senseless waste.
A young man taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he's gone forever.
So, maybe we should have the rest of the week off, you know, to cry and grieve, and remember our dear friend Ollie.
Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie.
Heartless bastard.
We should do something .
.
about the guy who shot Ollie.
So, you're talking about stepping up to the plate and taking him down? I really don't see that happening.
He's right.
He's right.
Since when did you want to get involved in anything like this? Maybe since I got someone's brains blown out all over my face.
If we go up against him, one of us is going to get our brains blown out.
We can't just pretend it didn't happen.
I do that all the time.
It's like that fella in the Bible - the Good Samaritan.
Walk on by.
So, how are you going to feel if we do nothing and we read in the paper that he shot someone else? I don't read the papers.
All right.
So what're you two going to do when you find this guy and he sticks a gun to your head? I'm glad you've got it all figured out.
No way you're getting involved.
Since when did you tell me what I can and can't do? Since I care about whether you die or not.
You forgotten about that? Guys.
Come on.
Seriously.
I think I speak for all of us when I say we're lazy and incompetent.
We're practically handicapped.
Leave it to the police.
They get paid to get shot.
I never thought I'd say this but he's talking sense.
Thank you.
Hey! I'm already doing my bit to fight crime.
Bosh! It feels weird that's someone else's heart It will feel strange for a little while.
You're making the most remarkable recovery.
How does it work? Am I supposed to send a card to his parents? "Thanks for the heart.
" Would you like me to see if the next of kin are happy for their details to be passed on to you? Yeah OK.
BEEPING SHE BREATHES HEAVILY I can't even go back and save someone who's just been shot.
What's that about? Am I boring you? I'm just checking the time.
Because you're bored? No.
Because I'm having the time of my life! What's going on with you? Nothing.
It seems like there is.
Just leave it, all right? Get down! Did he see us? I don't think so.
Shit! What's he doing? I don't know.
Conti! I knew we needed to do something about him.
So this is my fault? That figures.
I didn't say it was your fault.
You're not listening to me.
Most the time you've got nothing to say any more.
Oh, fuck off! You fuck off! I'm done with you.
Oh, shit! Go! Are you finishing with me? Do we have to do this right now? Do we have to do this right now? Yes.
Things with us They haven't been right for a while now.
You're different.
You've changed.
We need to move.
Come on! So, I guess that's it.
I never wanted it to end like this.
Something's not right.
Maybe I fucked it up.
No.
It's me.
I'm sorry.
'There's something going on with this heart you put in me.
' There's something wrong with it.
I promise you.
There is nothing wrong with it.
Take it out.
I want a different one.
We don't have spares just lying around.
People die all the time.
Look at him! He doesn't look like he's got long to go.
I'll have his heart.
When a patient makes a miraculous recovery, we don't hold a big inquest.
We treat sick people, and you're not sick any more.
Job done! I did what you said.
I let it play out.
Me and Curtis We're over.
Hi! Hi.
Did you know him? I've got his heart.
What do you mean? I mean, when he died, they ripped his heart out and stuck it in me.
Bullshit! You OK? Something weird's happening to me.
Seriously? I can teleport.
I suppose that could be useful.
Beats getting the bus.
Thanks for the pyjamas.
Hope they fit.
I had to guess your size.
Always a nightmare.
I should go.
What, are you going? Got my community service.
Er, you just told me I've inherited the power to teleport from the guy whose heart was transplanted into me and now you're going to walk off and leave it at that.
Well, fuck you very much! How do you want to leave it? Well, the least you could do is ask me out for a drink.
We should go away somewhere.
Where would you like to go? I've always wanted to go to Las Vegas.
I'll take you there.
I promise.
I've got something for you.
No-one's ever given me keys to their place before.
Now you can let yourself in.
I've got to go.
What? Nothing.
All right, mystery man.
I'm going to be late.
Aggh! Alisha? Hiya.
MUSIC POUNDS Look, before you hear me thinking it, I'll just tell you, yeah? Me and Curtis ended it last night.
You all right? Yeah, I'mI'm fine.
If that was me, I'd be, like, all crying my eyes out and shit.
Run! Run! Oh, fuck! TYRES SCREECH Alisha! Kelly! Kelly! Let her go! You tell Conti, I want my money.
There is no Conti! There's no Conti! There's no money, just let her go! Tell Conti to bring my hundred grand to the warehouse on Tipton Street.
Kelly! (Fuck!) The bloke who shot the new guy.
He was on the estate again last night.
He's looking for this Conti.
He thinks I'm Conti.
Why does he think that? Because you told him I was.
Did I? Sorry, man.
I think they've mended it.
You want me to buy you a drink? I have never paid for a drink from this machine before and I don't intend to start now.
Thank you! Well, the bad news is they've fixed the vending machine.
The guy with the red car and the gun We were just talking about him.
Yeah, he's got Kelly.
Oh, Jesus.
He's going to shoot her, and he going to kill her.
I told you he was dangerous.
Right, everybody calm down! Just think.
Think and keep calm.
Do something, you little freak! He's here.
(SCREAMS) Oh, Jesus.
He's kicking the shit out of her! (GRUNTS) Where's Conti? He's screwing your mama.
GUNSHOT He's living the game.
Where did all this come from? He was the guy in the mask.
Give me my hundred grand.
I haven't got your money, Jimmy.
I haven't got your money, Jimmy.
(SLAP) That's far enough.
Let me go, you dick.
(PUNCH) Put it on.
You can shove that up your arse.
Put it on.
He's Jimmy Cisco.
He spent ten years in prison for armed robbery.
His lover and this crime boss, Conti, they double-crossed him on his wedding day.
Hey, watch me run over this fat bloke.
Run, fat boy, run! Oh, he's fucked up my car! GUNSHOTS FROM GAME We need to play the game for real.
If we give him his money, I think he'll let Kelly go.
So now all we need is a hundred grand? We could a rob a bank.
Yeah, OK.
Let's rob a bank.
What's that? Nothing.
Really? That's funny, innit? Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.
No, no, no.
I said, er, "Let's have a big wank.
" Communal masturbation.
The old circle jerk.
Go and clean my car.
That wasn't what they had in mind when we got community service.
Well, I'm a member of the community and my car needs cleaning.
And I don't give a shit.
The man wants his car washed.
(MOUTHS) What? He's giving us his keys so we can clean his car.
For fuck's sake.
We're stealing his car.
Right, yeah, I get it.
Let's go.
What's the plan? I turn invisible, I walk up to the security van and I take the money.
Works for me.
Right, keep the engine running, just in case he gets caught.
Nathan, stop fucking around.
Don't touch the stereo.
MUSIC BLARES Turn it off, you prick! MUSIC STOPS Sorry.
Where is he? He should've been back by now.
Fuck.
How was it? Very easy.
A bunch of young offenders develop superpowers, and not one of us thinks of using them to commit crime? Shame on us.
More wine? Yeah, mate.
Right.
It's dead fruity.
When I was in jail, I thought about you.
That's nice.
I thought about you lying to me, stealing my money, screwing other men.
You want to try some positive thinking.
You know, like fields, little rabbits hopping around and shit.
I wanted to see you die.
Have some more wine, yeah? TYRES SCREECH What the fuck are you doing? I'm just having a look.
Do we think this is going to work? When he gets the money, it should be game over.
Then we beat the shit out of him and take the money back, right? Come on, a hundred grand's a lot of money.
That is true.
Our community service is nearly over.
We need to look toward the future.
You think we should become criminals? HORN BEEPS No, we're already criminals.
I'm talking about becoming successful criminals the ones who make money and don't get caught, and have girlfriends with enormous breast implants.
I thought we'd use our powers to help people? Nah! We can talk about what we're going to do with the money after we get Kelly back.
We'rewe're way out of our depth, but that's OK, right? We've all watched TV.
That's how you learn how to do this stuff.
Just, you know, butch it up, and play gangster.
Come on.
Let's go.
GUN CLICKS You'd better have my money, Conti.
Kelly, are you all right? My arms are fucking killing me.
Slide it over.
That's just embarrassing.
Show me.
Is it true? Is what true? You know what I'm talking about.
Don't play games with me, Conti.
He talks this bollocks all the time.
Fat Tony says you've got an undercover cop in your organisation.
See? That's why I don't play computer games, cos they never bloody end.
Who's a cop? No-one.
(Fuck!) I'm going to my car to get a chainsaw and when I get back, you're going to tell me which one of you is the undercover cop.
Nice one.
Brilliant fuckin' rescue! No chance of a rewind? Get your boyfriend to sort it out.
Er, he's not my boyfriend.
We've split up, all right? So you're available? Not to you.
Where's that prick in the mask when we need him? I just need to get a bit more momentum.
Oh, yeah.
Come on! Come on! A few more swings and I should be able to summersault right off the hook.
Here we go! Here we go! Why are you hanging from meat hooks? This is some of the weird shit I was telling you about.
Isn't that the girl whose flat we broke into? The new guy's heart got transplanted into her.
She's got his power.
I guess that makes sense.
You! Hi.
Sorry about, er, you know Shitting in my bed? Yeah.
Wrong flat.
I think you're supposed to rescue us.
OK.
That's the wrong chain.
DOOR RUMBLES Get out of here! Get out of here He's coming back! Now! I can't just do it whenever I want.
Cos that would be far too convenient and useful.
Who are you? It's complicated.
Hands.
CHAINS RATTLE You need to tell him you're the undercover cop.
If he kills you, it doesn't matter.
That's easy for you to say.
You're not the one who has to be dismembered with a chainsaw.
I'm sorry you got into this.
I really hope that thing doesn't start.
CHAINSAW WHIRRS CHAINSAW PULSES You're first.
Please! Leave her alone! You can't do this! Don't touch her! Leave her alone, you fucking psycho! This is insane.
Do something! Wait! All right, all right, it's me.
I'm the undercover cop.
So, fire up the chainsaw, and get with the sawing.
And I'd appreciate it if you'd do it quickly and cleanly.
Oi! Run! RUN! This is not real, it's just a game! You think this is a game? This is my life.
Oh! No! Conti? I'm the undercover cop.
No! Hold on.
I'll get you an ambulance.
It has to be like this.
Why? So we can be together.
No.
I won't let you die! You have to, or I'll never be this person.
I can't do this.
It's going to be OK.
You have to do something.
There's petrol in that can.
No-one can know it's me.
Promise me you won't tell him.
Promise me! You can't die.
I love you.
I'll still be here.
I don't love him.
I love you! It's you falling in love with him that makes him become me.
It's all coming together.
No.
Don't! Simon! Fuck! Oh, God! # Love is like a sin my love # For the one that feels it the most # Look at her # With her eyes like a flame # She will love you # Like a fly will never love you # Again # The computer game guy.
playing computer games and wanking over porn on the internet.
Right.
# Love is like a sin my love # For the one that feels it the most.
.
# Is everything all right? # .
.
with her smile like a flame # She will love you # Like a fly will never love you # Again.
# Hi.
What was that for? I'm not going to die and I'm feeling pretty happy about it.
Jesus! Sorry.
I was just, er Piss off, you pervert! The cute, smiley popular girl I think she murdered me.
Hi.
Hi.
Jesus! She's after Barry! Would you like to go for a drink with me? I'd love to.
Why do you want to know my name? I think you're beautiful.
I'm not a slag.
Why are the coppers after you? I didn't mean to hurt him, but I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
Especially not you.
Get an ambulance! Get a fucking ambulance! Finix