Misfits Episode Scripts

N/A - Series 4, Episode 6

- Alex is gay.
- If you didn't want to come to mine, why didn't you just say? You make up some bullshit story? You could come over later and watch a DVD.
- It's cos you want to get in my knickers, right? - I'll settle for a kiss.
Finn showed me this video of you and this guy in an underground car park.
I think he's paying him for sex.
I didn't want to believe it, and then we come back here and there's photos of you with your arm round some guy, and you're cooking! You really like her, don't you? I always have done.
She acts all tough, but she's not.
And I know I can make her happy.
Just so you know, Alex "from the bar" is so not gay.
I'm sure he'll make someone a lovely husband.
Or should I say "civil partner"? "Twat"! Listen to me.
Show me your cock and I'll let you go.
Show me your cock! Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Those are a mistake, by the way! What are? Light-coloured trousers.
Honestly, that's a basic schoolboy error, that is, mate.
What's wrong with these? What's wrong with these? We're about to enter a war zone.
It's going to get really messy.
Honestly, man, it's going to be the most insane house party you've ever been to in your shitty little life.
Strangers are going to fuck strangers.
Heads are going to get shaved.
There'll be puke, blood, sperm and piss.
Will there be a buffet? Yes, there'll be a buffet.
A buffet of drugs, alcohol and shagging.
This is Richard Saunders.
Do you understand me? Richard "The Colonel" Saunders.
He's a fucking lunatic.
Y'know, they used to call him Richie Two-Tabs.
Because he used to drop two tabs of acid before he'd even got out of friggin' bed in t'morning.
So, to summarise, a Richard Saunders house party is absolutely no place for fucking chinos, man.
Well, they aren't chinos, so They are chinos.
Hiya.
You all right? All right? Are you ready for the carnage? What you on about? Oh, you'll see.
You'll see what I'm on about.
Are we going to this party, or what? Yeah.
Trust me, you will never forget your first Richard Saunders house party.
Guaranteed.
Honestly, Colonel Saunders is a fucking legend.
Aw it's going to be buzzing.
I like your top.
It's nice.
What do you call that kind of top? It's just a top.
It's not like a halterneck.
I know.
No, it's nice, whatever it is.
It's a nice top.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, you made it! I can't find this party.
I know where it is.
It's down here somewhere.
Follow me.
I like your top.
Good colour on you.
Thanks! Fuck's sake.
Oh, yes! Right.
Now, then Wait! Whoo! What you doing? Listen, brace yourself.
All right? This thing is going to hit you like a train.
- So you do some deep breaths.
- In through the nose out through the mouth.
It's good stuff.
I'll see you on the other side.
N-N-N-No! This this is bubbling under nicely.
We just need to get ourselves a drink, we need to get settled, cos there is a hurricane a-coming! It's on its way.
It's a weird party.
Yeah, it's pretty weird.
Hey! Seen this? Saunders, the mad bastard, 'ey? Everyone's drinking sherry.
Honestly! It's going to go fucking mental in here, I'm telling you! Really? Mm.
This is a wake.
What are you on about? It's a funeral.
Ohh No, it's not.
Don't fucking Saunders, no! He's me best He's me best friend.
Why do only the good die young? It's some old woman called Glenda.
It's the wrong flat.
Get get your shit.
It's the wrong flat.
So, erm, this is a great night.
Scotch eggs if you're hungry.
Oh, my God.
You stole from a funeral.
I'm impressed! If you think that's good Ohhh! Ah, cheesy pineapple.
It's definitely on this floor.
- Why don't you just ring him? - I might just ring him.
Just ring him up.
Probably won't answer.
Probably lost his phone again.
Fuckin' maniac.
I didn't know you were coming.
Yeah.
Jess asked me.
Is that all right wi' you? It's absolutely fine.
Hey, here he is! How you doing, you cunt?! You all right, Saunders? Yeah, listen.
Bit bit of a problem.
I forgot where you live.
Nice one.
See you there.
We're on the wrong floor.
Get back in t'lift.
Shit.
If you haven't got anything to hide, then just say.
I don't see why it matters.
It matters to me.
So just tell me, how many people have you slept with? Fine.
It's four.
Before you, I slept with four guys.
Fucking liar.
Yeah, this is it.
Welcome to the jungle.
I'm going to get us a drink.
I'm going to check in with t'Colonel.
Why have you got a 2 on your head? Why have you got a 1? What? I didn't do that.
It's not coming off.
How the fuck did it get on there? Oi! Shit, mate.
Oi, check this out.
Turns out I've been going round with a bloody big 99 on me head, which, strangely enough, is the exact amount of girls I've slept with, dude.
I keep a list.
I've got to keep a record.
I just want to keep tabs on where he's been.
It's like service history! Can I just say? Long-term relationship, so no shame in that.
There's deep shame in that.
OK.
Any idea why I've got the number 46 on my head? Yes, because you are a fucking Viking.
Respect to the dark horse.
It's how many "girls" you've slept with.
Hmm.
Is this some kind of power thing? How do you know about powers? I just do.
What about you, then? Are the goods still intact, or? Unlike yours, which must be fucking disgusting, like an old banana that's been left out in the sun.
How come someone as fit as you only has shagged two people? Cos it's not like you don't get offers, is it? Are you just not that bothered about cock? It doesn't make you a lesbian, or anything.
Cos honestly, lads, I'm just like this with Twixes.
- I can take 'em or I can leave 'em.
- Just fuck off.
Very angry.
Maybe if she put it about more, she wouldn't be angry.
I'm just saying.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Alex? How many of them do you reckon were blokes? Can you just go? Start working on your friggin' digits, mate.
That is a mark of honour.
It shows I'm a good person.
Do you know? Here we go.
All right, here's a graph, right? And down the bottom, it says "niceness", and down the side, it says "number of times "I've ejaculated inside a real human woman," right? And your friggin' graph, dude, is doing this.
Are you watching? Boom! All right? Do you understand what I'm saying? I don't care about numbers.
It's not about quantity.
It's about quality.
Yeah, right, see her, there? She is never going to respect you while you got that on your head, you moron! You're wrong.
Because she respects people with morals.
People who actually stand up for something.
And I reckon tonight's the night.
Do you? All right.
So while you're just jerking off into a wet flannel, like a stinky little Hobbit bitch, I'm going to be joining the Hundreds Club, all right? Here we go, here we go.
Hello, I'm Rudy, how you doing? I'll be your waiter for the evening.
I'll get you a white wine spritzer.
That's for you.
Why have you got 99 on your head? Mm, very interesting story about that.
If you'd like to come to the bedroom with me, I'll just explain it all.
It's very interesting.
All right.
Oh, my God! Hm, hm, hm, hundred.
One hundred.
Fuck off.
Ohh! Prrrr! No stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Knock it off! Sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I'm just not really feeling it.
What? Well, it's just if it's going to be me centenary fuck, it's gotta be summat special, hasn't it? You know what I mean? Summat a bit magical.
It's got to be something I can tell me grandkids when they run around me ankles, you know what I mean? You're a prick.
Shit, well, sorry you feel that way, but you know what, it doesn't change the fact What was that? There's something in that cupboard.
All right.
It's all right, erm Ah! Yeah.
Imagine that.
The white rabbit! It's him! It's Saunders, he's here.
What you doing in there? He's coming for us.
He's out there! The white rabbit's coming! Oh, this is classic Saunders, this is, trippin' his friggin' balls off.
What have you taken? It won't mean anything to you, this, right, but I'm tellin' you, this is bloody vintage vintage Saunders.
The white rabbit.
R-R-Rabbit! White rabbit! There's no food.
I think we should raid the funeral.
Can we just talk about the numbers? I guess we should.
Must have been one hell of a weekend.
You could fill a coach with all those.
A fuck bus.
It would be an awkward journey.
Mine we could all fit inside a small car, something like a Vauxhall Corsa.
We'd have a seat left over.
I know what you must think No, it's fine.
You don't have to justify yourself to me.
I'm not that person any more.
We should keep drinking.
We definitely should.
OK.
My round.
So it turns out we've got something in common.
Neither of us are slags.
A-ha.
Maybe we should do a bit of bedroom mathematics find out if two can go into one.
If I'm two and I'm going into one, that would mean that I'm penetrating you.
It was a joke.
God forget it.
I know you'd rather spend the evening talking to Mr HIV over there.
I know that, but Finn, can we not do this tonight? Oh, no.
No, thank you.
Are you all right? No.
No.
No.
Hello! Would you? Fucking unbelievable.
No! Oh! Who is that fuckin' guy? No.
Sorry.
It's not happening.
Shit! Ooh, 'ey! You're all right.
What's your name? Holly.
Yeah? Why've you got a 99 on your head? That's how aroused I am out of 100.
I'm going to let you know if you get down to final three.
Yeah? Wanker! Just conducting a little field study, eh? Trying to make a short list for the Miss 100, aren't I? Right.
You're sulking cos you've been blown out the water by the sexy barman, aren't you? He's not sexy.
He's quite sexy.
OK, he's quite sexy.
He's got the whole face thing going on.
But so what? D'you know, I think the best thing you can do right now, let's just find someone else and make her jealous.
Maybe you're right.
Course I'm right.
Uncle Rudy were born right, mate.
Come on, little man.
Richie! I just want to go home.
You can't.
The white rabbit's out there.
He's coming for us.
Don't be a prick! You can't go out there! White rabbit.
Right, there we go.
Right, that's a freebie.
Pudding is served.
I can't.
She She's wasted.
Look, mate, there is no law against fucking a wasted girl.
It's a bloody loophole is what it is.
Right, this is your loophole here.
You take that loophole, you put your dick through the loophole.
Do you understand me? Just so we're clear, there is a law against fucking a drunk girl.
Really, Finlay? Really? Yes.
Shit.
Right Right, well, in that case, drink up.
Come on.
Where are we going? You're not going to get laid here.
You need a party where the girls are emotional, a bit confused, desperate to forget how sad and miserable their lives are.
Are we going back to the funeral? Yeah, we're going back to the funeral.
Come on.
Ohh! Yeah, mate.
'Ey, I think she's the one for you, in't she? Do you think she's all right? Yeah, I think she looks really nice.
I think we should move her.
No, leave her, she's peaceful.
Let's put her inside.
Grab her legs.
For fuck's sake! One, two, three Everybody, get out of the way! Drunk girl coming through.
We haven't spiked her, so no-one panic.
Excuse me Cheers, dude, nice one.
Good God, man! Right there.
All right, mate? Up we go! Now.
Right What are you doing? Just making her comfortable.
Fuckin' idiot.
I'm glad you came.
Me too.
So you look nice.
Do I? I was starting to get a bit self-conscious.
It's been, um a compliment? No? No, you look great.
I like your top.
Really? Yeah.
How about the colour? Looks good on you.
I I don't think we should do this right now.
What? Just don't.
What is wrong with you? You lead me on then fuck me about.
No, it's It's not like that.
Then what is it like? It's complicated.
Ohh That's it? That's all I'm getting, "It's complicated"? Or maybe it's me.
And there wasn't a problem with the other 46? Do you know what? I've had enough of you and your bullshit head games.
Jess, wait.
Hi.
I'm Jess.
Will.
Nice to meet you, Will.
Some of these are very vulnerable, mate, right? You know, they're weak, bit delicate.
It's time for some sweet, sweet bereavement pussy.
Hmm! Ooooh! I dunno about this.
Course you don't.
That's why you're still on that, innit? Please stop flicking me.
Get your game face on.
Hmm? Come on.
Step up to the plate.
Yeah? Yes.
Yeah? Hi, I'm Finn.
You've got something in your teeth.
Oh.
It's tragic, innit, really? Fragility of life.
Mmm.
Puts it all in perspective, really, all this, doesn't it? Yeah.
Mmm.
Actually, no.
It doesn't.
I think that's just something people say at funerals when they can't think of anything else.
Oh.
Er Can I interest you in a dry sherry? Oh.
What's the matter with you? Oi.
Why are you getting upset? She was a good person.
I'm going to miss her.
Let me sort you out.
Um Can I just take that, mate? Cheers.
Sorry, dude.
There you are.
Thank you.
It's all right.
You're probably going to feel like this for a long time, you know, and then one day, you'll be sitting there and you'll suddenly realise that when you think about her, it's it's a happy feeling, you know, instead of just instead of it being so sad.
I just think that's when you know you're all right.
You're right.
It's depressing, innit? Well, it is a funeral.
Yes, I s'pose it'd be a bit disrespectful if we were all downing shots of vodka and getting nude.
Thank you.
That's all right.
You've You've cheered me up.
No worries.
Can I ask Why have you got a number on your head? Oh.
It's a long story, really, that one.
Very long.
Nadine.
Oh, I'm Rudy.
Sorry.
How how come I didn't see you at the funeral? Er, I was, er, working.
Where do you work? At the community centre.
Yeah, I'm a caretaker there.
I like to give a bit back to t'community, to kids That's nice.
Mmm.
Can I get you a drink, then? Yeah.
OK.
Yeah? All right, then, you stay there, Nadine.
Two dry sherries coming right this way.
Is that the right time? - 'Ey? - I have to go.
No, don't go.
Please don't.
I wasn't hitting on you, if that's what you thi But it's not that I don't think you're attractive, cos you're beautiful.
It's The numbers, though, they don't mean anything.
And And the 100 thing I-I don't give a shit about, so just stay and have a drink.
It's been really nice meeting you.
Don't go.
What? What the fuck was that? You all right? How's it going? It isn't.
I just met this girl who's really nice and different.
Great.
I'm I'm made up for you.
Hey, you've finally found Miss 100.
Maybe we should throw a little ceremony when you shag her, a bit of bit of confetti nice little trophy, ye-eah! No.
Wasn't like that.
Wasn't like that.
It was It was something else, wasn't it? I've not I never got her number.
Are we OK to mix sweet and savoury? It's just I'm never sure.
I think you'll be OK.
You have nice eyes.
Hmm! Ohh! Sweetheart? Oi.
Oi! Sweetheart, you all right? Jesus fuckin' Jesus Christ! Fuck! Oi! Who's there? Who is it? Who is it? What the fuck?! Come on, come on, for fuck's sake! Come on.
Come on! Fucking come on! No.
N-N-N-N Piss off, rabbit bastard.
Fuck! Fuck me harder.
Really? Yeah.
Cos I'm already fucking you pretty hard, to be honest with you.
I'm reluctant to fuck you any harder.
Oh, yeah, that's it, come on! OK.
Come on.
Oh, yeah! How's that? That's about as hard as I can fuck.
Shut up.
Yep Shut up.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
Oh! Ohh Oh, yeah.
Are you OK? I didn't I didn't wanna do any damage down there.
That's good.
Yeah? It's fine.
Finlay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? We've got major problems, mate.
Can't it wait? It can't bleedin' wait! I've had to wait for you to ejaculate.
What more d'you want? You get your shit together, right? Finlay! What kind of rabbit? I don't know what kind of fucking rabbit.
They're all the same.
Well, actually, they're not.
You've got the lop-eared, the American lop-eared, the French Angora Just shut up.
Shh, shh.
Be quiet.
It's It is a psycho rabbit and he's wearing a suit and it's got a golf club.
That's all I know.
Right, OK.
Did it have a silky coat? Just shut up! Shut up about the rabbit.
Seriously, man, be quiet.
Fuck! We've gotta find the others.
All right.
No No, I'm gonna have to tool up.
Gonna have to Just gonna put 'em like that.
See? Another one through there.
Pshhew! Ah! Let's do it.
Hang on, I want one! Come Come on, mate.
Honest to God, do not have time for this sort of shenanigary, do we? If I could just get my finger under there, it wouldn't be so bad, but I can't get it off, mate.
You'll be all right.
You'll be all right.
You'll be all right.
Fuck! Sorry, but I need to ask Why have you got a "2" on your head? What, you've never seen a girl with a number drawn on her head? It's a fashion thing, you should try it.
You think so? You could definitely carry off a number, something like a Maybe a 9.
Jess, can I talk to you? Not now.
There's something I need to tell you.
Fine, go ahead.
Can we go somewhere a bit more quiet? Why? So you can just fuck me about and drop me when you feel like it? Um See you later.
Mmm.
Great.
Thanks! So let me guess.
You don't want me but no-one else can have me either? I had you so wrong.
I thought you were this lovely, genuine guy.
You're just like all the others.
Hey.
You're OK! Why wouldn't I be? You were kind of out of it.
We We found you out in the hallway.
Right.
You the one that put me in the toilet? Yeah, I-I I felt bad just leaving you there like that.
Didn't touch me up or anything while you were moving me? Bit of the old side boob? No.
God, no.
No.
Then why are my knickers on inside out? You! I-I-I didn't do anything.
I didn't.
Tell that to the judge.
- Oh, Finlay! - Oh, my God.
I never I'm joking.
Hey! No.
No, th Thanks a lot.
Anyway, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Yeah.
Have a good night.
Nice one.
Hey, come on, drink up.
We're goin'.
Why? Because there's a giant white rabbit out there who's wearing a suit, he's got a golf club, and he's goin' round killing people.
What rabbit? What is wrong wi' you both? It's just a fucking rabbit! I told you.
Fuck me! I told you he was out there.
Told me what? The white rabbit.
I said he was coming for us.
Richard, did you do this? Is this your rabbit, mate? I hadn't done any in a while.
I didn't think it was gonna happen again.
Done what? The storm.
I dropped some acid and it got bad.
It got really fucking bad.
Mate, did you shit yourself? This hallucination Shat himself.
The white rabbit, it's become real.
Hang on a minute.
You've taken acid, there's a giant white rabbit wi' a golf club, no-one's shat'emselves.
That's good.
We need to find Jess.
I thought she was with you.
She stormed off.
She Well, we need to find her.
Oh, fuck! She's not in the bathroom.
Listen, she's bloody gone 'ome.
She'll be on t'couch, curled up, Maltesers, watching a film about boys.
- Look, we need to find her.
- You need to find her.
This is your fault.
How? She was with you, then we come back and she's gone, so what happened? Nothing happened.
Look, just stop.
Me and Finn will go and have a look at the funeral.
Just ask around, man.
Fine, but if we're going out there, I want me own keys.
Really?! Fuck! Oh! Ah, fuck.
Hi.
It's me.
You haven't seen me friend, have you? She Sorry, do I know you? Oh, right, I I thought you were someone else.
Sorry.
She's not here.
She's not here.
No, I know.
There's a rabbit out there, a fucking big one, and he's got this girl - Oi! - Who did that?! What you fuckin' doing, man? OK Um Sorry to break up this whole party thing, but I think I have something quite important to say.
There's a white rabbit out there and he's fucking weird and he's got this girl and she's unconscious, and I feel like maybe we should be doing something.
What does she look like? You saw it too? Where did he take her? He dragged her into the lift.
She was bleeding.
It looked pretty scary.
What the fuck's wrong with this thing? Calm down, I'm sure she's OK.
I dunno, mate.
She looked in a pretty bad way.
Hang Hang on! Whoa, whoa.
Just stop, hang on.
Hang on.
We don't even know where he's taken her, do we? Eh? Oh, she's in the fucking basement.
Brilliant.
Where you? Hey, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You stay here, little lady.
This is absolutely no place Man's work.
It's dangerous.
Right.
Right, listen, right? Listen.
You're going to have to go down that way, we'll go down this way.
Why do I have to go on my own? Because you're bigger than us.
Yes, he is bigger.
We need to get her out of here.
Rudy.
Oh, fuck.
I'm Abbey, by the way.
So, are we all going to go on somewhere for a drink? Cos this rabbit-slaying's thirsty work.
So, here he is.
Richard Saunders, honestly, what a complete cock-sucker.
I fuckin' hate people who can't handle their drugs.
Shit party, by the way.
Really shit.
And next time, buy some fucking nibbles.
Mmm! I can't stop thinking about her.
I'm never going to see her again.
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Yeah, you're right.
No.
Ac No, sorry, no.
That's just I think that's bullshit.
I think that's just something people say when they can't think of anything else.
I shouldn't have done it.
I was only trying to make her jealous and she didn't even notice.
Huh! When d'you think it'll come off? Soon.
Soon probably.
What's going on with us? Hmm? We need to talk, because I'm really confused.
What are you doing? I wanted to tell you.
But I didn't think you'd understand.
What happened? Is that? Were you born like that? I was in a club.
Someone stole it from me.
They They stole it? Yeah, it was a girl.
A bloke.
A transgender bloke.
She wanted to be a man.
She had a power.
So she took it from me.
We We swapped.
Holy shit! My cock is out there somewhere.
It's mine.
And I'm going to get it back.
So now you know why we can't be together.
I'll double your money.
Whatever it takes.
Just find my cock.
Now, then.
Passed-out girl on the floor, good-looking girl.
Hello.
- Are you on community service? - No.
Just pretending.
You're not on the system.
And if you're not on the system then you don't exist.
I know who's got your cock.
There's half.
You get the rest when I get it back.
Hi, Rudy.
What are you doing here? I came to see you.
I'm not the caretaker.
I just told you that cos I didn't want you to know the truth, really.
It's not for me to judge you.
How did it go? It was amazing, and then she's ran away.
Again.
Maybe she's a sexy, psycho werewolf who doesn't want you finding out.
What are you doing? Get it out.
I want to see it.