Misfits Episode Scripts

N/A - Series 5, Episode 1

Jess, I Jess.
It's Alex.
They're giving him a lung transplant.
- Shit.
- I tell you now.
You don't want to be getting a transplant round here.
Hi.
How are you? OK? Good.
You're Alex, right? I'm not being funny, but you have to have sex with me.
I've only just got out of surgery.
You need to leave.
We're just talking.
Get him out of here.
Please! You have to fuck me! Call security! Think about it! Think about it! OK.
Bye.
Alex is out of surgery.
He's going to be OK.
Ah! Get in, mate! Well done.
I tell you now, I never doubted it for a second.
The handsome barman lives.
Come on.
Dude, you need to pay up right now.
That's 20 of your English pounds.
Fucking pygmy.
Let's have it, come on.
You you put money on him dying? Yeah! No! No.
What kind of person do you think I am? You said it would be funny if they chopped his cock off during the operation.
There's something very wrong with you.
Oh, Finn.
Honestly.
Well, I'm glad he didn't die.
I am.
But I will say this.
He may have a new lung, but you can't replace his cheating heart.
Twat.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts.
These were the happiest and the proudest days of my life.
Look at 'em! You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.
I swore I swore a solemn oath to, you know, to obey the Scout Law, to do my best, to do my duty to God and Her lovely majestic Majesty the Queen.
Huh.
Lived by a code.
I were like a samurai warrior.
Yeah, that's that's you all over.
And then and then they cast me out.
Why were you cast out? I don't want to talk about it.
I will say this.
A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure.
There are girls! You're a girl! Shit! That's an unnatural abomination.
This is not how Baden-Powell intended it! Take that uniform off! You look like a dick! Shit.
Is he still staring? He's really staring.
He's gone.
Look at 'em.
Scouts Scouts is a time for boys to be boys.
You know, the the first time I masturbated.
Scouts.
The first time I ever saw another boy's penis.
Scouts.
First time I touched another boy's penis.
Scouts.
First time another boy touched my penis.
Scouts? It was in Scouts! It was in Scouts.
Happy, sunlit days is what they were.
Oh, my God.
Look at this tramp.
Hi.
Ahem.
Hi.
Ahem! Hi.
What the fuck was that? Shame on you, Finley! You've got a visitor.
Handsome barman! Here he is.
How you diddling, mate? Eh? I've brought you some grapes and that.
I haven't brought you any grapes.
How's Jess? She's dead.
She's not really dead.
I was just trying to make you feel better.
So she didn't want to come and see me? Yes, she did.
She wanted to come, but she She hates my guts, doesn't she? She doesn't hate your guts, man.
Well, maybe.
I don't know.
She Do you do you know what, man? Who could ever possibly understand the inner workings They've got little fickle minds, mate.
My dad, he used to say to me, you know, he used to say, "Rudy, women are very much like tractors.
" Which I have never understood.
I think it's something, really, to do with potatoes.
That's what it is.
Shit.
They're just not like men, seriously.
Hi.
What's this badge for? Fire safety.
I know who to call if there's a fire, then.
You should call the Fire Service, activate the fire alarm and leave by the nearest emergency exit.
Right, yeah.
Good good to know.
You know, always be prepared.
What about this one? Global Conservation.
First aid.
Road safety.
This one here is for fucking.
Really? They they give badges for that? No.
Yeah, I know.
Because of health and safety .
.
and AIDS.
Have you ever fucked a Scout before? Have I? That would be a a no.
No, I haven't.
II fingered a Girl Guide, though.
Do you mind if I tie you up? You are full of surprises.
Go for it.
I hate to sound like my dad, but are you over 16? I'm 18.
Ah.
What type of knot are you using? A double constrictor knot, almost impossible to get out of.
Ooh, good choice.
OK.
Now lie down.
Right there.
He's ready.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, shit.
- Hi.
- Oh! Shit.
Do you want tell me what the fuck is going on? You are to become one of us.
A Scout? Can't I just fill in a membership form? You are to become an agent of Satan.
And if I say no? Oh, shit.
Shit.
Then I'll cut out your heart and burn it in hellfire.
Is that a chicken? Oh, you you've got the wrong guy.
I'd make a terrible agent of Satan.
I'm I'm lazy, and and disorganised, and ask anyone who knows me, I'm I'm shit.
Ecce Satanas meo sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus super terram meam tenebris Jesus! Fuck! You killed the chicken! Lucifer habitabunt in te! Aah! Aah! Aah.
You should see his scar.
Dude looks like Action Man.
What an handsome barman! You've seen him? Of course I've bloody seen him.
We're best mates.
Some people say .
.
we look like brothers.
Ahem! You're best mates? Mm-hm.
Really? Erm what's his surname? Kagi Kagillima.
Kagillima? It's it's it's Wong Smith.
Wong-Smith? I know.
It's ridiculous, innit? So, you know how the handsome barman saved your life? Does that cancel him out shagging that girl? Cos it feels about the same to me.
Why are you so interested? Because if you stop seeing him, he'll just he'll leave, won't he? He'll wander from town to town like The Littlest Hobo.
And, Jess, I don't know whether my fragile heart could ever take any more of You're not going to believe what's just happened to me.
Were you bent over double again, sucking yourself off, bit of pollen's gone up your nose, you've sneezed, you've bit the tip off your penis No! Oh, come on.
Gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realised what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do About you now.
Yeah.
They don't look like agents of Satan.
Of course they don't look like agents of Satan.
Agents of Satan never look like agents of Satan, do they? Mm.
You don't believe me, do you? You think it's all just a desperately sad and lonely cry for attention.
Yeah, well, I told them you were capable of anything, mate, so Oh, when you come in tied up, covered in chicken blood What's that? Chicken blood? Hm? It was Finley.
What? It was Finley.
Oh.
Have you been running an illegal slaughterhouse in my community centre? No.
If I find out you have been supplying local restaurants and kebab houses with dodgy meat You won't, cos I haven't.
Then we don't have a problem, do we? No.
No.
You're my wonderwall Pussy.
Hi.
It's me.
How do you know where I live? So, I guess I kind of followed you home from the hospital.
Don't freak out.
Look, I don't know what your problem is.
I don't care.
So, can you just piss off? Oh, fuck! Oh! Fuck! The door slamming like that.
It wasn't an accident.
Well, it was, but it was me.
I've got this power.
I cause accidents.
It's a nightmare.
Neil said he could make it stop.
Who's Neil? You've got his lung.
They transplanted it into you.
He had this power.
He could fuck other people's powers out of them.
He was going to fuck my power out of me.
Is that what he told you? He was after a shag.
I've spoken to people he helped.
He took their power.
His power's been transplanted into you.
Is this a wind-up? Did Jess put you up to this? It's a test, isn't it? And if I shag you then I fail.
Well.
Ha! Good try.
Because it's not going to happen.
Seriously.
Take a hint.
The catch on the dishwasher door broke.
I tripped over it, fell on a potato peeler.
The handle of a mug of tea snapped off as I was drinking it.
Jesus.
There was a loose paving slab at the top of a flight of steps.
I don't even remember what all these are.
That's just a birthmark.
I've got money.
I'll pay you.
I don't I don't want your money.
You cheated on me, and I can't forgive you for that.
Maybe I should be able to get over it because I really fucking like you, but I can't.
We were together and you shagged her, and I really fucking hate you for that, but then you go and get yourself stabbed for me and you save my life.
Why did you shag her? Why would you do that? Because now I have to end it with you and that is really fucking hard! Say something, then, you dick.
I promise it is not what you think.
Oh, my God.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
It's not like that.
You unbelievable fucking twat! You just made it so much easier! It's a power thing, Jess! Please can we fuck now? You're not helping! Well.
Look who it is.
Yeah, well, look who it is right back at you.
Have you seen this? I'm going to have a scar.
You were trying to convert me into an agent of Satan.
You don't have to worry about that any more.
I'm going to rip out your heart and shove it up your arse.
Rudy! Guys, a little help! Seriously? Whoa! Who's laughing now? Hoc cecidit angelus devorabit vos! Rudy! Resident in tua anima, mea tenebris emergere reget hoc mundo! Fuck off! Fuck off! Lucifer reget hoc mundo, ego reget huius mundi pro aeterno! You've killed the Scout leader.
See, I told you he was trying to ki Ah.
What's wrong with you? She dared me to swallow my full Cornetto in one go, man.
It's given me the worse brain I thought I were going to die for a minute.
We got you one.
Ooh.
Thanks.
Hey, monkey boy, you done good there.
From wankster .
.
to to gangster.
That's a G.
Yeah.
We should probably bury him.
I'll get the shovels.
Ah.
Loop it over once.
Twice.
Left over right.
Through the rabbit hole.
Bastard! I just thought For God's sake.
What? Fucking what? What are you staring at? What, you never seen a grown man in his childhood Scout uniform before? You need to get out more, pal.
Just take that.
What's this? What am I looking at? It's a support group.
It's for people with powers.
And I think we should I think we should go.
Do you? Well, yeah, it's a it's a good opportunity to for us to talk about our situation.
Bastard! in a in a non-judgmental, confidential environment.
What situation? There is no situation, dude.
There's absolutely nothing to see here! I just think I think we need to talk about our future, together.
And I just I thought you might want to be with me while we do it.
For crying out loud! Look at Finley, eh? Look at him.
Frigging confident and flirtatious.
Dibs on that bloody fragrant blonde he's talking to.
Why are you telling us? It's not who you tell.
It's the act of saying it out loud that makes it legally binding.
I don't make the bloody rules, love, but I will abide by them.
Shit.
Mm? Here he is! Handsome barman.
Ali G in the house.
See what I did there? Dude, see what Cos your name's Cos your name's Alex.
I just put a G on it.
It's not what you think.
Seriously.
I'm not interested.
Yeah, but I didn't even shag her.
Oh, no way.
He's done it again! Mongrel.
Look here.
Can we please do this somewhere else? Do what somewhere else? She found him shagging another girl.
That's twice now.
Why am I not surprised? Seriously.
Don't.
Oh, am am I supposed to be scared? Finn! Are you scared now? Fuck off, you little prick! Finlay? What are you doing with the handsome barman? Put him down! Stop it! Stop it! He will always shit on you, cos that's who he is.
He can't help himself.
You need to wake up and smell the arsehole.
Hey! Hey! I thought of a good reason why you should fuck me! There's definitely something going on with Finn.
Oh, yeah, I think he's going through puberty.
You know, it's a very confusing time for any young man.
I thought you said you were going to talk to him.
And I did.
What did he say? Well, I had to wait for the right moment, you know.
I sat him down, just put my arm around him.
We just sat there for a moment, bit of quiet contemplation, one man, another substantially smaller man.
And? He went, "I'm fine.
I'm good.
" So, we're actually no closer to knowing why Finn was behaving like a total psycho? Oh, for God's sake, Jess.
When a man wants to talk to you, you're going to see his lips moving like this.
And when he doesn't, he's in in his special quiet place, a shed of the mind.
Hello.
Welcome to the group.
Take a seat.
Why don't you tell us who you are and a little bit about your power? Erm I'm Rudy.
Well, Rudy Two.
And I was created by the storm.
I suppose you could say .
.
I'm the living embodiment of a split personality disorder.
Hi, Rudy Two.
Hi, Rudy Two.
Hiya.
Hi.
Look, I I don't even know if I've got this bloke's power.
There's only one way to find out.
Slip it up there.
Do we have to have full sex? I don't know if coming on my tits is really going to cut it.
I just don't want to hurt you.
I'm so stuffed full of painkillers I won't feel a thing.
This is a chance to use your cock for good.
What's the story with you and that girl? I messed up.
I cheated on her.
You still like her? Yeah.
So, why did you cheat on her? Can we talk about something else? Whatever you like.
I fucking hate guys like you.
Oh, do you want me to stop? Cos there's plenty of girls I can fuck that don't look like a big bag of shit and blood.
Sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
No, I I can't do this.
Please.
I'm sorry.
How do we know when it's worked? I don't know.
Oh, Jesus.
Are you coming? No, it's, er mm, it's something else.
What the fuck is that? Oh.
Oh.
Thank you.
Well, Barbara Rudy? All right, Finn? Is this a dream? You look taller.
I've got something for you.
Oh! Is it a present? You'll see.
A present for my birthday! It's a surprise.
Is it Scalextric? I bloody love Scalextric! Take me to it! Take me take me to it.
Hey.
Oh.
Yeah.
I like what you've done here, the chicken and the candles and stuff.
I don't even know what this is.
I can see you've gone to a lot of trouble, dude, but I just Shit, man, I kind of had my heart set on Scalextric a little bit.
Ecce Satanas meo Hey.
.
.
sicut ego et ipse regnabit meam tenebris.
What, are we speaking French, eh? Je m'appelle Rudy! Dude, j'habite la community centre.
Finn? What the fuck? Finn? Finn's the devil.
Or or at least an agent of Satan, or whatever they call themselves.
That's why he's been acting so weird.
When he killed that, erm Scout leader guy, I I don't II don't know, I think something I think happened to him.
Finn? No.
He's too short to be the devil.
You're bleeding.
Mm.
I've got my period.
What are you hiding behind your back? Nothing.
It's a dead chicken.
You're one of them.
Do you want to know something? You're next.
Hiya, Jess.
I know what you are.
I'm just a cheeky little Scouser.
Eh? Eh? Eh? Calm down! Calm down! You're the devil.
The devil.
What's she like? She's hilarious.
So funny.
You're funny.
She's she's one of you! You've converted her! No.
It's all in that pretty little head of yours.
Oh, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! Shitting hell.
Chickens are fed, dude.
So I meant monkeys.
Shit.
Shit! Fuck! That's bad.
I, er I haven't had sex with anyone.
I've just been in the shower.
Believe it or not, the world does not revolve around your cock! Bit harsh.
So, what are you going to do? I don't know.
I can't go back to the community centre.
I can't go home.
They'll be looking for me.
Well, um you know, you can You can stay here tonight if if you want.
My friends have been turned into agents of Satan, and you're coming on to me? You are unbelievable! I can't do anything right by you, can I? Oh! That's hot coffee! It's warm coffee.
Jessica.
It's Rudy.
He's one of them.
It's it's Rudy Two.
Are you in there? Rudy One's turned into an agent of Satan.
I just I just don't know what to do.
I thought you might be in there with the handsome barman.
Jess? You all right? So, Finn's got this book on satanic rites, and it says the only way to drive Satan out of anybody is to douse them in holy water and you've got to You've got to read this little passage here.
That's great, only I'm fresh out of holy water.
Well, I went to the church on the way here, so Sprite? No.
No, it's holy water.
I on the way here.
Finn and Rudy said they were going to the bar later on tonight, so I suppose you want me to help you? Yeah.
Oh.
I'm thinking about getting a raven as a pet.
What? I feel stupid asking.
Is it that raven to replace me? Bros before hoes and ravens.
You're flippin' cool, Finn.
Do you know that? You're not going in there on your own.
If I go on my own, Finn will let me get close to him.
She's right.
Do you know how to use this? Bullets come out of this end? Hiya, Jess.
Can I talk to you alone? Yeah, course.
Step into my office.
It's not really an office.
It's it's the bar.
Drink? Uh! Get back.
Stay back! Let the Holy Cross be my light.
Let not the dragon be my guide.
Step back, impure spirit.
What you offer me is evil.
I exorcise you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I free you from the snares of the devil.
Get thee back, Satan! Get thee back, Satan! Get thee back, Satan! That's brilliant, innit? "Get thee back, Satan! Get thee back, Satan!" Holy water? It's Sprite.
This isn't you.
This is me.
I'm just improved.
Version 2.
0.
Version 2.
0 is a dick.
I like the original.
Didn't want to fuck me, though, did you? Don't.
You'll come round.
First I'm going to cut off Alex from the bar's cock and feed it to him.
Don't come any closer.
Or what? You're going to shoot me in my cute and monkey-ish little face? Go on, then.
Do it.
Shoot me.
Do it! I'm really sorry.
About what? I'm one of them.
Ow! What was that? Ooh! Uh.
Oh.
Oh! How fucking cool is that? It is very cool.
I'm going to call him Nigel.
Big mistake, my friend.
Isn't it a bit weird that we're agents of Satan but we're still on community service? We'll burn the probation worker at the stake after lunch.
There's something I want to show you first.
What is it? Let me see.
You did all this for me? Just because I'm Satan's chief agent on earth, doesn't mean I can't be romantic.
I love you.
I always have.
And now I'm going to fuck you and make you a bride of Satan.
Look forward to it.
Oh! Mm! Mm, mm! I'm doing this for you.
It was the lung transplant.
I've got the power to fuck powers out of people.
Look, I know you can't forgive me for shagging that girl.
And I'm not asking you to.
And I could say that it will never happen again, but it would.
There's always going to be some other girl.
I hate myself for what I did to you and I'm sorry.
But now I've got the chance to to use my cock for good.
And I want to save you.
I'm doing this for you.
I'm sorry.
Is that what I think it is? Sorry.
You fucked me? Do you think I enjoyed it? Probably.
I was shagging the devil out of you.
And it was the only way.
And I was doing it for her.
Hiya, Jess.
Mm.
Ooh.
This is for you.
But you Hang on.
How kind.
What what is it? I knit the future.
Ah.
Thanks.
So, these people here in these orange jump suits, is that us? I think so.
Are we going to become proper superheroes? Ah! Did you get community service for fucking him up the arse or breaking into the community centre? Breaking and entering.
Breaking and entering his sphincter.
Boom! We all know what happened! I think we're all mature enough to brush it under the carpet, as far as it will go.
Not just under the carpet - under the underlay under the carpet.
Where things go when there's no need to speak about them or think about them ever again.
So, how comes he didn't take your telekinesis? I guess it's last in, first out.
Of his sphincter! Boom! I thought we weren't going to talk about it? Sorry.
Sorry.
Eugh! What? I just Shit, man.
I don't know.
I keep thinking about you and him.
It's horrid.
Oh, for What happened to brushing it under the underlay under the carpet? I live in the flat below, Finn, and I've drilled an hole in the ceiling.
I can see everything, mate, every Horrible.
Like a frigging giant shagging a dwarf.
Boom.
Oh, shit! It's my dad! Dude, your mum and dad are proper going for it.
That's not my mum! Please, don't.
I will find you and I will hurt you.
Mum has a right to know what's going on here.
I won't do it! So, there's this stuff going on with our parents, and .
.
he won't let me in.
He won't listen to me.
Why don't you just leave him the fuck alone, yeah? I'm going to shank you! He's burning her clothes.
Why's he burning her clothes?