Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Milton Jones, Patrick Kielty, Mark Watson

1 This programme contains some strong language.
Don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about it Read all about it News of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are - Andy Parsons, Mark Watson and Russell Howard, Patrick Kielty, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
Here's a picture of David Cameron, but what does TLEC stand for? Is it Tories Launch Exfoliating Cream? Is it Topman Launch Eton Collection? Is it Tosser Leading Everyone to Catastrophe? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you not a natural Tory? Or is it Tory Launch Extremely Caucasian? The people he's shaking hands with are that actual size, and it's Tiny Little Elf Convention.
- The elf vote is just screaming - It's enormous.
Ironically, it's an enormous vote.
Is it Tits, Lips, Eyes and Chin - everything he's got done in the poster? Is it his full name? Tarquin Linus Edwin Cameron.
What's weird - and this is nothing to do with the initials - he appears to be in black-and-white at the front and in colour at the back.
Is it like the Wizard Of Oz - he's in black-and-white until the election, whereupon Aha! He's the king of Munchkin Land.
I know the answer.
It's Tory Leader Effortlessly Camp.
Can anyone give something approaching the correct answer? Tories Launch Election Campaign.
Close enough - that'll do.
Yes, the answer was Tories Launch Election Campaign.
It's election time again, with David Cameron saying the vote could not come soon enough.
Although the date has yet to be announced, the Tories have begun announcing their policies in a bid to woo voters and regain power.
How did they launch the campaign? Mainly by putting up a big poster of his face, where he's wearing so much make-up, it may as well just say, "Tory - because you're worth it.
" It is astonishing.
I just think they should have run It's like on 760 poster sites.
They should have just run this poster instead.
Look at it! Look at it! Look at the way my forehead glow follows you around the room.
He looks like a cross between David Dickinson and Pingu.
A cross that we've all been waiting a long time to see.
That penguin vote, no-one's gone after that before.
HE IMITATES PINGU If he did all the things, like waddling around If he ever did that, they would close down CBeebies, wouldn't they? "What are you doing, Dickinson? Leave him alone!" "Take it, take it, you little bastard!" "No!" I can't waddle away quick enough! How much do you have to love yourself to launch your campaign with no policies and just a big picture of your own face? We now know what both leaders are going to say to us.
Gordon Brown is going to say, "Don't trust the Tories.
They'll put up taxes.
" And basically David Cameron's going, Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't cha? What you have to remember is that Cameron was in PR.
PR.
I was 12 years old when I had a paper round.
HUGH: I'm very It's supposed to.
He's trying to sell it on the NHS, isn't he? That's the image he's got, it's all about the NHS.
Now I'm worried that Gordon Brown will have a poster about health, with a big picture of him, and next to it, "Catch it, kill it, bin it.
" I not only have issues with the big shiny face.
I also have issues with the slogan.
Every time I see that, "We can't go on like this," in my brain, it goes With suspicious minds.
It's also, you just get the impression it's very nicely-nicely, "Hey, I'm Dave.
Come on, whatever.
" And then as soon as he wins, that's just going to regenerate, like "Send me to Wales! I'm going to finish what I started!" Does he not look a bit like a hypnotist to you? The more The more we have this picture, the more I'm becoming convinced we CAN'T go on like this! Somebody must cut the deficit, not the NHS.
Who can do such a thing? Don't you think it should actually say, "I can make you thin"? His eyes are shinier and his hair is sleeker, but it's not necessarily an air-brush.
It could be that he's eating Pedigree Chum.
His coat is more glossy? Essential minerals are good.
You can see him running through a field and over a wall.
He's youthful and dynamic.
- Sometimes he just rubs himself on the carpet of the House of Commons.
- That would be very funny.
"And we're cutting to Prime Minister's Question Time, and he's just dragging himself "Sorry.
Sorry about this, everyone.
I really have to get to a vet" I wonder, you know with this trying to woo the middle classes.
Are the middle classes that angry? I haven't seen the middle-class demonstrations.
"What do we want?" "A Volvo estate.
" "When do we want it?" "After the holiday in Tuscany.
" - A moth just dived on us! - We're being heckled by a pig in the rafters.
Sorry, just one piece of confetti came down.
A very cheap wedding is taking place.
It's a note from Frankie.
It says, "Will somebody make a quip about Kerry Katona's vagina?" - In time, brave soul, in time.
- Those days are gone.
Kerry Katona's going, "Oh, I finally felt I could watch it.
" In other news, what's going on here? HUGH: Frozen Britain.
That, I believe, is a very tall man that's taken that with a camera.
This is the enormous news story that because it's the winter, it's a bit cold.
It's absolutely amazing.
For two weeks, all the news has been, "Tonight, still cold.
" - What I love about it, though - "Really, I didn't realise?!" What's hilarious, they insist on putting the weather men in the snow.
"It's really cold!" We can see that! When it's hot, they don't put Michael Fish in a man-kini.
They always say that, don't they, "It's difficult to tell whether it's going to fall as snow or rain.
" Surely the clue is in the temperature.
If it's minus one, I'm thinking go for snow - that's my guess.
If it's white, it's snow, basically.
Technically not true.
Sorry, being the dullest man in the world.
I'm afraid I did a geography degree.
It has to be above freezing to snow.
Otherwise it falls as sleet, does it? If it's below freezing, it won't be snow.
KFC were very helpful.
In all their meals, they put in a little sachet of salt - .
.
to shake on the ground.
- The lack of salt was such a Daily Mail reader's wet dream, wasn't it? "There's no salt! They've spent it all on Muslims, teaching them yoga!" "I can't get out of my drive, but Osama bin Laden can do the lotus.
" There's something about the transient nature of life, though, about the snow.
It arrives and it's all stunning and it makes that lovely crunchy noise, and it slowly recedes into horror, and it's just like a one night stand that she never leaves.
Did you not feel, in the snow, though Did you not genuinely feel a little bit sorry for 4x4 drivers, - in that for the first time - Yep.
- .
.
for the first time, they could justify using them on the school run.
And then they closed the schools! Fantastic! - I live in Chelsea - "Oh, good lord!" DARA MURMURS When I introduced myself to the neighbours, they thought I was giving them a quote for tarmacking.
It's not that glamorous.
And I said to them, when they couldn't get their 4x4s out, "Why don't you let your kids walk to school?" And they said, "It's pretty clear you don't have kids.
"If you did, you'd leave them at the school gate to be safe.
" And I said, "Well, when I have kids, I'm going to send them to Catholic school.
"They'll be in the care of Catholic priests from 9 o'clock to 3 o'clock.
"The walk to school will be the safest part of their day.
" What I loved about the snow as well, was for that one week when it really tipped it down, the entire nation was like a Carry On film.
"I've had eight inches in my driveway.
Ooh!" "My back passage is all wet.
Matron!" And then, even the transport secretary, his name's Lord Adonis.
That's not a name.
That's the make of a posh dildo.
The worst job I ever had was forensic pathologist for the United Nations.
I remember I uncovered the mass grave of 1,000 snowmen.
Fortunately, it turned out to be a field full of carrots.
I What's great about it - Milton, every so often, he's like this hilarious granddad that just wakes up.
I did notice, people start driving without clearing all of their windscreen.
They try and find a little bit where they can actually have a look out.
I saw one bloke driving on the motorway, right.
He was craned like this, he had his window open, he was squirting de-icer on his windscreen at the same time, and on the back of his vehicle, it said, "How am I driving?" At the end of that round, the points go to Russell, Mark and Andy.
Now, we play a round called Mock You, I Won't Do What You Tell Me.
This gameinvolves Milton, Mark, Patrick and Russell, so if you could make your way over to the performance area, please.
I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward to talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
Here we go.
Our first topic, please.
And it's travel.
Who wants to come in? Mark.
I think the thing with travelling, it's often hard to make yourself understood.
- I was in South Africa recently - LAUGHTER That's not even the joke, yet.
I literally went to South Africa.
All their vowels sound the same.
So a word like "cigarettes" sounds like "secrets".
I was there, this guy was like, "Give me one of your secrets! Can I have one of your secrets?" "Well, I once masturbated in a library.
" But in a way, I do at least enjoy it when it's me travelling.
I get very nervous when it's people I know and love, like my wife.
My wife is always in planes, and I get very nervous in case something happens to her.
You can even track the flight on the website.
The other week, my wife was flying and I was following it on the website.
It says, "In the air".
I couldn't relax until it said "landed".
I'm not sure how reliable a guide it is, really.
I can't imagine, if there is a problem, they'd change it to "crashed".
Or "turned into a fireball", frowny face.
Thank you very much, Mark.
Well done.
OK, let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is international relations.
Patrick.
Er, the world is a very dangerous place, and I think in order to bring more peace and to prevent war, we need to cancel the United Nations, and stand down all armies.
What we should do is we should replace it.
Every government should have to open a Facebook account.
Because Barack Obama opened a Facebook account to run for president, and a year later, he won the Nobel Peace Prize.
It would be great.
If every government had a Facebook account, the world would be a much better place.
"America and North Korea are now friends.
" "China like this.
" "Hezbollah has poked Israel.
" "The people of Palestine have written on Israel's wall.
" "Osama bin Laden has tagged you in an album "Jihad, 2001!" "America and Pakistan have gone from "'In a relationship' to 'It's complicated.
'" Thank you very much, Patrick.
OK, that leaves us Milton and Russell.
The next topic, please.
It's etiquette.
Um, I'm quite a socially awkward bloke.
- LAUGHTER - Thanks for laughing at just that! UmI saw a girl on a train recently, eating a yoghurt, and for some reason, my brain thought it would be a good idea to say, "You know, that's very good for thrush.
" Like she was going to suddenly go, "Oh, sit down, stranger.
" I can't help it.
I drift Like, I was at a museum the other day.
Everywhere it said, "Don't take photos.
" I was taking a photo.
A nine-year-old girl says, "What are you doing?" "I'm taking a photo.
" She ran off, "I'm off to tell the man.
" Now, the last thing you want to be doing is chasing a nine-year-old girl across a museum, going, "Don't tell the man, don't tell the man!" Added to the fact that when you catch her, you've got to go, "I'll delete the photo.
" That doesn't look good.
Thank you very much, Russell.
OK, Milton, let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
The topic is health.
My sister's got hay fever.
Now she's got diabetes, so I tried to cheer her up.
You know, flowers, chocolates About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back with lard.
After that, he went downhill very quickly.
I've recently had bird flu, but it's all relative, isn't it? If I had rabies and you offered me bird flu, I'd bite your hand off.
Last summer, I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation, but the hosepipe ban hit us hard.
Thank you very much.
And I think the points have to go to Milton and Patrick.
Give them a round of applause.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Patrick? Transport.
The answer is "35 seconds" - what is the question? Is it, "How long regular viewers will take to change over "when they realise I'm sitting in Frankie Boyle's seat?" I know the answer.
"What is a BAD sexual nickname?" Is it, "What is the age of consent for a mayfly?" Is it, "If you try and Google Tiananmen Square in China, how soon before you get a knock at the door?" Is it how long it takes Paul McCartney, when watching Dancing On Ice, to shout, "Trip, you bitch"? "I bought those shoes!" Shoe.
Is it, "Due to the BBC cutbacks, what is the new name for Just A Minute?" - One for the Radio 4 fans.
- Very nice.
Is it the length of time between Peter Mandelson's heart beats? Is it the length of time you can watch TV for before someone says, "Go Compare!"? Is it, "How long does it take Jordan to get over a relationship?" The answer is going to be, "This is how long it will take "for the new scanners to, er, scan you.
" That's absolutely right, well done, Russell.
The question I was looking for was, "How long will it take for passengers to be scanned through new airport body scanners?" The controversial new security technology is due to be introduced at airports around the UK.
The process has already met with considerable opposition.
Why? - Because they'll see me naked, Dara! - Yes, we'll be able to see people's willies.
That is essentially it.
Do you want to be blown up, or? People go, "Oh my God, it'll attract perverts.
" Not unless you're into ghost porn! - Is that a man or a woman? - That's Casper.
Not only, though, are you naked, but you've got to do the Macarena at the same time! The public outrage is extraordinary.
The papers seem to think that this machine has been programmed that every time a woman goes through it, it goes, "Phwoar!" It doesn't just beep, it goes, "Ding-dong!" You can see on that, you can see he's got a wallet, a belt some change, a pen, and a weird thing across his chest.
I'd get that checked out! Somebody has A surgeon has lost something inside that man.
He also appears to have only two bones.
He's also, weirdly, taller from the back, which is That's harsh, isn't it? You don't really want people looking at your wobbly bits, do you? Here they are, going, "This bloke's looking nervous as he comes through.
"Is it that he's carrying a bomb?" No, it's a cold day and he's a bit worried about the size of his knob.
They may open a region just before the thing, a kind of fluffy zone, where you can take a few moments and stave off the cold.
Just prepare yourself How long will it take before stag parties start taking Viagra before they get to the airport? "Just for the craic!" Is it not a serious point that you've got to look at the ongoing war on terrorism and say, "If we now have to show our genitals "to a man in a box before we go on our holidays, "I think they've won"? - I - You see, Dara Probably means they've won.
The thing is that human rights activists hate these scanners, but on the flip side, women's magazines will love it.
It'll be, "Get the airport body scanner body you deserve.
" People are going to be so self conscious.
You'll have to get Gok Wan out to Heathrow, giving people rounds of applause to get them through.
It's like, "Come on, sister, you can do it!" I did get patted down the last-but-one time I went through Heathrow, and, er, you know, "Ding-ding-ding" and they're straight to the Diana Ross.
It's quite robust, it's quite the frisk, now.
When I went, "That's a bit, you know, hefty," as a challenge, "You know, you're really making contact there," and your man goes, "It's for your own good.
" And I had a long discussion with him, going, "No, no, no.
Generally, all of security is for my own good, "but actually patting me down individually isn't.
"I know I'm not a terrorist!" It's not like they'll say, "You've got a bomb strapped to you," and you say, "I was wondering what that was.
"It was chafing me in the taxi and I didn't feel like opening my shirt to find out.
Thank you!" The way to get them is to play them at their own game.
When they pat you down, act like you're really enjoying it.
That really freaks them out.
Just sit there going, "Oh, God!" "Oh!" Honestly, do it as loud as you can.
They stop patting you down pretty quickly.
The reason why all of this has been brought in is the guy who tried to blow himself up on Christmas Day.
And I went home to Ireland for Christmas and it was worth it just to be there on Boxing Day for my mother to say with no irony whatsoever, she said, just after the Christmas pudding, "I don't know, those Muslim terrorists, "you think they'd at least take Christmas off.
" That was what was funny, though.
Nobody cared because it happened at Christmas.
"Oh yeah, a plane nearly" "Did it? Oh, Uncle Buck's on, Nan's going to wake in a minute.
" They said that it was going to put people off flying.
It didn't put me off flying as much as the story that happened in America just before that, which was the story of the two pilots who'd fallen asleep and missed the airport by an hour.
And you're thinking, "How can TWO pilots fall asleep?!" Who looks One pilot, maybe, but who looks at their co-pilot, sees them falling asleep, and thinks, "Yes, that's a good idea"? They have to do something, because there are more and more suicide bombers.
Well, more and more, and less and less.
The thing about, I think his name was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, he was not only on a list, identified as a possible terrorist, his father had alerted the authorities to the danger that his son had been converted to Jihadism.
The only reason is because his father is a former director of the First National Bank of Nigeria, and presumably, when they got the e-mail that said, "I am the director of the First National Bank of Nigeria, "I have some information which may be of value to you," they just deleted it.
Have you seen the latest thing they're using - body language? As if somebody's going to be walking along playing with their moustache, going, "Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Apparently, this is it, now, right Was that a meerkat terrorist?! It's a meerkat terrorist, yeah.
It plants a bomb and goes, "Simples".
Apparently, this means you're lying, this means you're nervous.
And if you go like this it means you've got a bomb up your arse.
At the end of that round, the points go to Patrick, Hugh and Milton.
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
If everyone can make their way to the performance area, please.
I'll read out the topics, and we'll see what the panellists can come up with.
The first subject is - IMPERSONATING BRUCE FORSYTH: - "But before we see tonight's crimes, let's meet the judges.
" "Police say they are looking for a black man in his 20s.
"And that they always will be.
" "Do you recognise this man? Thought not.
It's Nick Clegg.
" "They say criminals always return to the scene of a crime "which is why we've probably got so many Australians over here.
" "Coming up next week, we'll be trying to solve the murders "of the people who phoned up giving information on criminals this week.
" "Today, we're looking at identity theft.
I'm" "All the victims are deaf, dumb or blind.
"These are senseless killings.
" "Baffled police are appealing for help.
Do you know where Wally is?" "So, erif you're being interrogated by the police "and they're recording the interview, "just make sure that every so often, you go" "Ow!" "Tonight, the great train robbery - London to Glasgow, £235 return.
" "Tonight, we're looking for the man who keeps on burgling my home "every time I present this programme.
" "'Ello and welcome to Crimewatch.
I'm your host, Ray Winstone.
"Leave it, you slag!" "Don't go camping in the countryside "Have you noticed that whenever the police find a body, "it's always in a tent?" "Hello, I'm Nick Ross, and tonight, I'm asking, "Who stole my fucking job?" OK, the next topic is Unlikely things to hear on a TV election debate.
The truth.
"Labour, ready! Tories, ready! "Bring on the wall!" "I think of this studio as a second home, "which is why I'm claiming expenses for it.
" "The lines have closed.
"Gordon, it could be you.
David, it could be you.
"Nick, it's not going to be you.
" "We in the Tory party are going to give the north of England a huge Boost, "and then all the people can come out and lick the chocolate off it.
" "If you're elected, you'll raise taxes!" "If your mum's elected, she will!" "It's me who got you into this mess and it's "him who'll get you out of it.
" "And at the end of that round, Gordon, you've scored no points.
" "I'm really very proud of my working class roots.
"Er, when I was growing up, we only had an outside toilet.
"Eventually, we got enough money to buy a house.
" "Cheryl, tonight, you're going to be mentoring the Lib Dems.
" "Lembit Opik, what's your real name?" "How will we shorten waiting lists? Simple.
"By letting the weak "die.
" "Hello! "I am the messiah!" "And the queen is a biscuit!" "I am almost certain that was a floating voter.
" At the end of that round, the points go to Patrick, Hugh and Milton.
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Patrick Kielty, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
Commiserations to Russell Howard, Mark Watson and Andy Parsons.
I'm Dara O'Briain, thank you for watching.
Good night.