Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Stewart Francis, Ed Byrne, Chris Addison

1 This programme contains strong language.
Throughout the world Don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about it Read all about it CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Russell Howard, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
Here is a picture of the Prime Minister, David Cameron, - but what does CABS stand for? - Is it Country's Arms Budget Shrunk? You stand in front of the Taliban and go, bang, bang.
It's his ultimate fantasy, Caviar And Beyonce Shaven.
LAUGHTER Is he playing a game CAB, it's a game you used to play as a child, Cowboys And Butlers! LAUGHTER Is it Clegg! Another Bacon Sandwich?! Is it, Child? Adultery? Boris? Shit! LAUGHTER Is it Cameron Attempts Black Solidarity? LAUGHTER Is it Taxi, no, no Cabs? I'm so stupid! He's pointing at a lady in the street, Cracking Arse, Boobs Satisfactory.
LAUGHTER Is it Charmless Aristocrat Buggers Society?! Is it That is true, people.
I speak the truth, people.
That was such a lovely response.
That sounds like something we should clap.
Is it Conceited Arrogant Boring, Shitehawk? Shitehawk? It's an excellent word.
It's a great word.
It's a very Irish word.
You may have it as a gift.
- Does it exist? - It does.
- Is there a shitehawk that exists? No, there isn't an actual bird called a shitehawk.
It'd be an amazing episode of Springwatch if you shot one.
LAUGHTER - The correct answer, if we could.
- It's Cameron Announces Big Society.
Well done, Hugh, thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, the answer I was looking for was Cameron Announces Big Society.
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has formally launched his Big Society manifesto pledge, which he claims will put the oomph back into communities.
Speaking in Liverpool, Cameron confirmed it would empower communities, allowing them to run libraries and post offices and manage transport services and shape housing projects.
- How is he planning on liberating society? - You can't say oomph.
That's not a word.
You want to put the oomph back in communities.
Yes, I'd like to make hospitals a bit hot-ta-ta-ta! I'm afraid the whole schools building programme was wha-wa-wa-waa! A government entirely done by sound effects would be great.
I will be coming to a place near you, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop.
The weird thing about it is the Conservatives are all about choice and yet they're only offering one size of society.
LAUGHTER People don't want to work for free, do they? He needs to dangle some form of a carrot.
If you volunteer, everyone of you can kick Jeremy Kyle in the nads.
Sweet, I'll do that.
If you volunteer, I'll make a TV show that is just Kelly Brook jumping up and down on a trampoline.
Sweet.
We'll do that.
If you work really hard I'll kill the Go Compare man.
That's what we need.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Empowering is a phrase, you know, I feel very empowered by my ability to get my norks out! - They never say it like that.
- They don't quite use norks and empower in the same sentence, but it's the same rhetorical flourish that they use.
It is just basically, we can't afford it, we don't want to get involved, let's give it to some busy bodies in your area.
Don't give it to us, don't make us run it.
Have you met us? We're idiots.
We accidently voted in a Tory government.
- That is genuinely idiotic.
- You can't trust us.
The British public are odd.
I sometimes pick up a coke can in Tesco for no reason, shake it and put it back.
- Don't give me any responsibility.
- I'm not really what would happen if I let you run a school.
Would you just walk in and pick up one of the children and go If he's so keen on volunteering, how come he gets paid £180,000 a year? Why doesn't he give his services for free? I'd quite happily do that job for no money, because I've heard the expenses are quite tidy! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We're all in this together.
That's what's so difficult.
You've got this multi-millionaire going, "We're all in this together.
" Him comparing his plight to that of the public is like me stubbing my toe and saying, "I feel just "like Heather Mills.
" Do you find stubbing your toe makes you want to rip off a Beatle? LAUGHTER Cameron, basically, was going on about this village pub that they had enabled it to keep it open and you're thinking keeping open a village pub, that's not the Big Society, that's a lock-in.
LAUGHTER He's rolling back the state.
I wasn't aware that the state ran rural pubs.
If there was a state-run pub you would not go in it.
"Barman, number five, please.
" Do you know how he's funding this? The fascinating thing about how he's funding it.
He's started this thing which is the most childish thing that you could ever imagine called the Big Society bank, which sounds like it should be in Ballamorey.
The Government owns all the money and bank accounts if they've been dormant for 15 years.
Do they own everything that's been dormant for 15 years, like Kerry Katona's brain and Emile Heskey's right foot? And almost the whole of Ann Widdecombe? Do they? Essentially, he wants to pay for it using the money of the dead.
Like a financial zombie army, who will sweep across opening post offices, uuurrrggghhh.
Stamp! What if someone's been in a coma? Imagine that, you haven't used your bank account for 15 years and you wake up, "Where's my money?" Well, we spent it on a knitting museum in Cumbria.
He's like, "At least I can watch Friday Night With Jonathon Ross!" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE In other news, what's going on here? This is Cameron and Obama having a chat and Obama is just saying to him, "You call me soulman one more time, white boy" Is it Obama's going, "Thank goodness you've arrived, I've had around "30 calls from a Mr Clegg going, 'I can't find the keys to Number Ten.
'" Isn't he not just going, "So, David, I understand your ancestors "made their fortune in cotton and sugar!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I wonder if Cameron was explaining to Obama how his upbringing has prepared him for dealing with the oil spill.
"We make a mess and then the black chap cleans it up.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is it Cameron and Barack smooch? Are we still playing that game? No, we've moved on.
It is David Cameron meeting President Obama on his official two-day visit to the US.
Cameron says he's going to stand up to the US and you're like, "No, "you're not, there's more chance of Danny Dyer being the new host of QI.
" It is worth noting, by the way, under the new Big Society initiative we have to run all the post offices, but he's still the one who gets to go to America and meet Obama.
I don't see his committee members from Liverpool, who are running the local libraries, going, "Oh, great, do we get to go to America? - "Oh, great, Big Society.
" - Maybe that would be a good idea because the problem with standing up to America is we keep sending posh people.
May we should send people from Scouse estates, "We're not really happy about the Al-Megrahi thing.
" "Oh, are you not? Come here, big lad, let's go.
"Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
" It's just a scheduled visit, isn't it? There's nothing particularly special about this visit, but the problem for Cameron is that BP are apparently involved in the release of Al-Megrahi by the Scottish government.
Let's use the word allegedly there.
BP, I would imagine, have one or two lawyers possibly being They are a large corporation and they are slick lawyers.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I imagine the latest BP spillage is their lawyer going It's really funny, because Cameron says that the release of Al-Megrahi was nothing to do with oil and you're like, "Yeah, and Mel Gibson's just a social drinker.
" LAUGHTER He went on national public radio to speak about this and he said that Al-Megrahi should have died in jail.
He's not actually dead yet, but he should have died in jail and that he blamed Scotland, so actually, he said BP weren't to blame, Scotland were to blame.
Actually, sorry, BP's worth more to Britain than Scotland! LAUGHTER The two things that are overshadowing the links between Al-Megrahi's release and BP and the oil spill.
BP could have killed two birds with one stone if they were able to plug the oil spill with Al-Megrahi.
Basically, what's happened is they're worried the seepage, they've done that and now they've got to do that and now some more is coming out over there and they've got to do that and it's turning into a massive game of Twister.
You wonder if they've said, "We've finally done it!" - in their office and then you hear - TAPPING SOUND Cut to a shot of them going The only way they'll manage to clear up the whole coastline is if there is a catastrophic event at a nearby Cillit Bang rig, which could happen, because Barry Scott does shout, doesn't he? Hi! My God! - Explosions! - Fourth time in eight months.
I've not no sympathy for BP, though.
I mean Tony Hayward, he said when it came to the oil spill it was tiny in proportion to the total water volume of the Gulf of Mexico.
I tried a similar excuse when I had a piss in the swimming pool and it did me no good whatsoever.
At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart! Now we play a round called Eamonn Holmes Is Hungry For Jokes.
This game involves Stewart, Ed and Andy, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel Of News.
Wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Pets.
Who wants to come in on that? Does it look like I'm being attacked by two animals? I have a theory with pets.
I feel that we treat animals better than we treat humans.
Proof of this, we found a cat by our bins and it looked hungry and now it lives with us.
That is proof we treat animals well.
You wouldn't do that with a person.
You look a bit hungry.
What are you doing by the bins? Do you want to live in the house? You could come and live with us.
Don't get a job.
We'll buy you food and prepare it for you, and in exchange for that if you can take a dump on the floor.
That seems fair.
Now and again, when I'm in the house on my own if you could jump on the back of my chair and frighten the shit out of me.
Could you do that in exchange for free bed and board? It was sold to me that the cat was going to live with us to keep away the mice.
It doesn't keep away the mice.
It doesn't, it brings mice in! Mice that live in a field, near the house and had no intention of coming anywhere near the house.
The cat brings it in and plays with it and gets distracted, "Oh, a sunbeam!" And let's them go! We've got more mice in the house than we did before we got a cat! Can I put down poison for the mice? No! In case the cat eats it! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
OK, let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is sport.
Who wants a go at that? Andy Parsons.
Does it look like I'm being attacked by two giant testicles? Sepp Blatter has said he doesn't want technology in football.
His reasoning being he said he wanted the football at the highest level to be exactly the same as football at the lowest level.
What a ridiculous argument that is.
Surely then why bother in the World Cup to have goalposts at all? Why don't we just have jumpers? Instead of playing for 90 minutes, why don't we just play as long as possible before the kid who owns the ball wants to go home for his tea? You wonder how well does Capello actually get on with the England players? Capello is into opera and art.
How many of the England players do you think are into their art? The closest that Ashley Cole has come to a self-portrait is taking a photo of his knob! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Andy Parsons! OK, that leaves us with Stewart.
Let's see what topic we have.
Spin the wheel.
The topic is leisure.
What's the deal with trainspotters? I counted 27 of the losers today.
My record's 41.
My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than alcoholic.
I want to write a mystery novel, or do I? I've written a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment, it's entitled Man or Myth.
I like to go to book stalls and say to the clerk, "Hello.
I'm looking for a book entitled How To Deal With Rejection Without Killing!" In my spare time I like to fart on crowded lifts .
.
which is wrong on so many levels! APPLAUSE The points go to Stewart Francis.
Everyone, come back! Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question? There are six categories.
Chris, which category would you like? - Please can we have health? - Your category is health.
The answer is 35 million a year.
What is the question? Is it how much money does the Queen get from the Royal Mail for being the face of stamps? How many times a year does Katie Holmes think to herself, "If I just make a run for it?" If you were the man who ate all the pies how many pies would you be eating? Is it how often does the Scottish Justice Minister phone Al-Megrahi's mobile hoping he doesn't pick up? Is it how many times Dara Googles himself and when I say Google, I mean masturbate? How much would the UK Government make if they pimped out Robert Pattinson? WOMAN SCREAMS Just from that lady! When you say, "Pimped him out", do you mean put big rims on him? We could do that or we could just put him in a bus and let girls such as the lady that cheered then pay up to £100 to do what you want with him.
If you let me pay £100 to do what I want with him, that would be the end of him.
What would you do with him? I think the trick is to let me go last.
Is it how much would it cost you if you stayed on a BT helpline long enough to get an answer to your fucking question? What's the correct answer? It's about sick days, isn't it? - It is about sick days, yes.
- How many sick days a year do the British population take? That's absolutely right, well done.
Thank you very much, Hugh.
Yes.
The question I was looking for was, "How many fake sick days do British workers take each year? According to a survey, Brits pull 35 million "sickies" every year, which is more than any other European country and it counts over a quarter of the 122 million sick days taken across Europe.
Our football took a month off in South Africa.
Everyone's doing it.
Can I go home? Yeah, you can go home.
That's all right.
Yesterday in the office, you weren't there, Dara, but what I was saying to the other guys Well, I had a very heavy cold.
There's one of the summer things going around at the moment.
It's very difficult to feign a sick day because you might start off pretending but by the time you've watched Jeremy Kyle and four hours of antiques programmes, you're feeling genuinely ill.
We like drinking, don't we, in this country? A lot of firms, they have one day a week where you can turn up to work wearing whatever clothes you like and they call them casual days.
I think we should also have one day a week where you can turn up to work in a right old state .
.
and they should call them smell like a badger days.
It's interesting that taking a day off, as a man, is tricky because you have to be very inventive.
"Oh, I've got diphtheria, I've got lurgy, I can't see.
I've got blurred vision".
As a lady, very easy.
All you have to say is, "Women's problems".
Whoa! "My apologies.
Take the week off!" You know, you can't do that as a bloke.
"I've got man problems".
"Well, stop touching it then".
We're all self-employed, so there's no point, us throwing sickies, is there? There's no point phoning up yourself, leaving a message a message on your answer phone, "I can't come in", then retrieving your message, realising you're ill and going to bed.
OK.
Story that struck me during the week.
You may not have seen this story.
It was in a story in Ireland, the Evening Herald in Dublin last week.
It's a moving story about Alzheimer's disease.
The story basically was: All of which is quite interesting.
See, the next paragraph I found difficult to take.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE .
.
appear to be better protected if they develop Alzheimer's disease, a study suggests".
Now that would be all right if it wasn't for the thing that the article came with a giant photograph of me next to the article under the words, "big head".
I'm protected against Alzheimer's! APPLAUSE Written underneath that was, "Extra large: Report is good news for Dara O'Briain.
" No, it's not.
It's not good news because I've suddenly realised I've got a big head apparently.
What do you mean you've suddenly realised? Dara! Protect us from the Alzheimer's! Forget about it! APPLAUSE In Canada I did some modelling.
It was for medical it was for penile dysfunction and it was before and after picture.
Is this true? I didn't model.
I don't model for big heads.
I don't regard myself as having a large head.
I don't have difficulty buying hats.
I don't have difficulty getting into jumpers.
My head causes me no When did those three guys get here? To be fair, a big head doesn't normally cause the owner a problem.
It causes the owner's mother a problem.
It's smaller than my hips, for God's sake! Your head is smaller than your hips.
What kind of shape are you? Are you a peanut? What do you mean? Of course my head is smaller than my hips.
Dara, Dara, look at me! - Isn't your head not smaller than your hips? - No! Maybe.
- Dara, Dara, look at me.
- Oh, you're weird! Look at me.
I'm going to take you to a hall of mirrors and show you how you should look.
I'm not the kid from Mask.
- You see, look at that.
It's fine.
- Your head is absolutely enormous.
In fact, on a normal size head, that would be a full head of hair.
APPLAUSE Are you not staying in my house tonight? When Dara opens an umbrella it's like one of them little cocktail ones.
To put in context how big it is, Dara, it has its own gravitation field.
It's pulled in an entire planet behind it.
This desk was straight when we started.
I was expecting sympathy.
That's why I introduced this.
I was going to say - You were expecting sympathy? - I revealed a weakness in front of six comedians and I thought, "There's a group that will help me through this".
I think of you all as friends.
I don't think of you as comedians! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, at the end of that round the points go to Russell, Ed and Andy.
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
If everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what the panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is rejected questions from this year's exams.
To keep them cool, the testes of the male homo sapiens are on the outside.
Should he put them back in his trousers? BUZZER Wayne lives three miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives six miles away from Wayne.
Who got her pregnant? BUZZER If it an oil well is spilling out oil at 50,000 barrels a day, how do you stop it? No, really.
How do you stop it? BUZZER If you mix blue and yellow, how crap is your government? BUZZER If Mary has one apple, Thomas has an apple and an orange, and Tarquin has two apples, an orange, an ugly fruit and two kumquats, whose parents read the Guardian? BUZZER Which is faster, a cheetah or Mel Gibson leaving the MOBOs? BUZZER If you removed a man's lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go, how angry would he be? BUZZER Calculate the circumference of Eamonn Holmes, using pi.
APPLAUSE BUZZER A car is travelling at a constant speed of 70mph around the M25.
In what imaginary universe are they in fact travelling? BUZZER Henry VIII loved the bitches, discuss.
BUZZER Chemistry - what's that smell? Nelson lost an arm and an eye.
Why didn't he call Claims Direct? BUZZER Your mum's a slag.
Discuss.
BUZZER The next topic is things you won't hear in a gardening programme.
If you're into naked gardening, here's a tip.
Be careful what you do with the SHEARS! BUZZER And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body.
BUZZER Not only that, but somebody's been sneaking into the allotment and putting top soil on the ground.
The plot thickens.
BUZZER Last year, I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden, so I phoned up Time Team and told them I'd just found a Roman coin.
BUZZER And now over to our lawnmower expert, Stumpy Jeff.
"Hi, guys!" BUZZER David here has some nice buddleia and Jemima has hydrangea and I've got chlamydia.
BUZZER Well, that's it for this week, I'm off home to plant my seeds.
My wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss my slot.
BUZZER Why grow flowers like this, when you can steal them from a traffic black spot? BUZZER Last week, you were complaining about rabbits being rampant in your garden and being a pest.
But let me tell you, I've got a rampant rabbit and when it's in my garden, it causes nothing but joy.
WOMEN WHOOPING AND BUZZER Well, I've been having terrible trouble with a mole.
He keeps on passing confidential information to other gardeners.
BUZZER Here we've got a nice rockery over there and there's a lovely fountain we've put in and next to that is the tree of knowledge.
You will not eat from the tree of knowledge! BUZZER If your lawn suffers from patchy grass, just grow it long one side and comb it over.
BUZZER And if you leave it for about four or five years, it should be just the right height to piss behind.
BUZZER In a garden who's blocking my light? Dara, could you just APPLAUSE AND BUZZER Over here is a wonderful water feature, like in Brussels of a small boy pissing.
This one's from Thailand and I pay him 20 pence a week.
BUZZER He ain't lying, it's good money! BUZZER The end of that round the points go to Russell, Ed and Andy.
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Russell Howard.
Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
Thank you for watching, until next week, I'm Dara O'Briain, good night.