Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Chris Addison, Milton Jones, Andi Osho

1 This programme contains some strong language Read about the things that happen Throughout the world Don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Russell Howard.
Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with our round called Headliners.
Here is a picture of former Prime Minister Tony Blair and friends.
What does BMIS stand for? Is it a list of what's in Blair's memoirs - "Bragging, Moaning and Icky sex?" Is it not just John Prescott going, "Bugger Me, I'm Starving"? LAUGHTER Or is it all the things you'd rather have than read the book - "Bulimia, Myxomatosis, and an Itchy Scrotum.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Are they all laughing cos it's "Ballistic Missiles Improve Sunderland"? LAUGHTER Prescott looks like he's bored.
He's just running through lists in his head.
"Bette Midler, I'd Shag" "Barry Manilow, I'd shag" Or is it, "Both Milibands, I'd Shag" I think it's actually what Blair isn't saying.
"Believe Me, I'm Sorry.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is it, "Blair, My Influences - Satan!" Is it their nicknames - Brainy, Miserly, and Insignificant Sausage-muncher? LAUGHTER When was it ever anyone's nickname - Insignificant Sausage-muncher?! - HUGH: - Strange you should say that! - It's longer than anyone's name! Is it just simply, "Blair Memoir Is Shit"? I need the correct answer.
You're almost halfway there.
Is it, "Blair's Memoirs: Incredible Sales"? Well done, congratulations.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, the answer was "Blair's Memoirs: Incredible Sales".
This is the story that ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair has finally published A Journey, his hotly anticipated account of his time in power.
Waterstones say it is the fastest-selling autobiography ever, outstripping successful memoirs by David Beckham, Russell Brand and Dawn French.
Who doesn't come out of this well? Brown.
I don't understand why people are buying it.
We've heard it before.
- We've heard it nine times before.
- Blair doesn't get on with Brown.
What next - David Blunkett's crap at wink murder? We know! LAUGHTER The titles are terrible, A Journey.
They're pretentious.
A Journey is pretentious.
The Third Man by Mandelson is pretentious.
You want John Prescott's Read This Or I Will Punch You In The Face.
But also, his journey - he went from Islington to Downing Street, to Connaught Square in Bayswater.
That is not much of a journey.
Let's face it, Michael Palin is going, "Well, it's not Pole To Pole.
" He said that George Bush was an intelligent man, which is a bit like saying Josef Fritzl is a family guy.
Why has the book been compared to a Mills & Boon? Cos you don't want to read it? Because there are racey passages in it.
Him describing having sex with Cherie.
It is grim! They're a married couple! OK, we didn't need to know.
This is a quote IMITATES WAH-WAH GUITAR LAUGHTER Dara, do it sexy! Do it real sexy! - DEEP VOICE: - I was an animal following my instinct.
I can't do it! Your future in audio books is not assured.
No-one's going to book me to do sexy audio books! "How are ye? Oh, they're riding!" LAUGHTER "He was all over her like a rash.
" It was the bit, what he was saying about devouring Cherie, it was hideous.
It was like imagining your parents dogging, it was wrong.
You just didn't want to read it.
What's amazing about this is the way that journalists have reacted to it.
This mock shock.
"He didn't talk sexy like that "when he was Prime Minister" No, he was Prime Minister! The Go Compare man doesn't sing the whole time! There was no time when he would say during Prime Minister's Questions, "I would just like to say to my right honourable friend, big Tony going to sort you out.
"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!" That was never going to happen! He had been accused of sexing up a dossier.
Now he has sexed up a dossier.
After he's going, "Ooh, I devoured Cherie," you weren't sure what he was going to put next.
"I flopped out my weapon of mass destruction" LAUGHTER ".
.
and 45 minutes later, it launched.
" It turns out that Cherie is actually her middle name, and her first name is Chim-chim-chim-chiminee- chim-chim.
LAUGHTER - What weakness does Blair reveal? - Mini Babybels, he can't get enough of them.
- There's a lot of that No, his drinking.
He was saying, "Yeah, I was a bit of a drinker," but all he had was half a bottle of wine a night.
My mate got so drunk he once woke up in a river.
Half a bottle of Merlot's nothing.
My mate thought he was a duck.
LAUGHTER In the book he said he drank to deal with the pressure, then he talks about the things he was worried about, including that at the launch night of the Millennium Dome, an acrobat would fall on the Queen's head.
That's mad, that's the kind of thing you worry about in a dream.
He's a lunatic! It is always telling about a nation's attitude towards alcohol that everyone went, "What - a whisky and three glasses of wine? "I'll show him.
"I'll show him what a drink problem is!" This would be the worst AA meeting ever, it would be so dull.
"Tell us about yourself "Duncan's lost his kids, he's found himself homeless on the streets.
"How about you, Tony?" "Well, first of all, hi, guys.
"Occasionally, I have a second glass of wine after dinner.
Group hug!" In fairness, his drinking did lead to him invading a country.
Which makes the UN the international equivalent of a woman in a car park going, "Leave him, he's not worth it!" The UN made him the Middle East peace envoy, after he'd started two wars in the Middle East.
It would be like making the woman who chucked that cat in a wheelie bin an RSPCA inspector.
LAUGHTER As prime ministers go, it's nothing.
Churchill used to have a bottle of champagne for lunch, another in the evening, three Scotches, two brandies and a high ball.
It was no wonder he didn't want to appease Hitler.
He was up for a scrap, wasn't he? To be fair, what people forget about Churchill, when he was doing the old, "We shall fight them on the beaches", he was 25 at the time.
He died at 32.
The lifestyle, really I'm surprised he didn't go, "We will fight them on the beaches, "and we'll fight them in the pubs, outside the pubs, "in the kebab shops" "If they look at our women, we'll twat them.
" "If we're in a late-night garage and we want more fags.
" Churchill said later in life his greatest regret was never winning the Second World War.
Didn't remember a thing about it.
He also looked quite like you.
AUDIENCE: O-o-oh! I'm glad that is regarded as an insult.
He did.
I'd say that was a compliment.
You would.
He was a big round man.
Say, "We will fight them on the beaches.
" We will fight them on the beaches.
That's more like the Churchill dog! APPLAUSE That was Tommy Cooper.
We will fight them on the beaches! Showaddywaddy! - That's not Tommy Cooper! - Who is it? I don't know who that is, but I think they usually have a carer with them.
HE MUMBLES Say this, "Never in the field of human conflict" I'm not doing Churchill impressions for you! Do sexy Churchill.
Sexy Churchill? I will fight you on the beaches - Why was William Hague in the news? - He's come out to say he's not gay.
- Want to rethink the wording of that sentence? - No, not at all.
William Hague this week said he wasn't gay, and Cameron hardly helped matters by saying the entire Tory Party were behind him.
LAUGHTER Could be a better way of putting that.
I felt so sorry for him.
All he was doing was sharing a room with his mate.
It's not as if he was watching Pineapple Studios rubbing his nipples.
It wasn't quite his mate, though.
It was a special adviser.
And you wonder how good was the advice he was giving him, "Oh, you wear a baseball cap "and wrap-around shades, and what's more, book a twin room and put me in it.
" The thing is, guys, come on.
We share a room when we're on tour, don't we? - No.
- We do.
Don't lie.
Me, Andy, Hugh are in one bed, Dara's in the other LAUGHTER Let's be honest, we are topping and tailing.
It is ridiculous.
Come on, in fairness, I wouldn't sleep in the same room as any one of my mates, because I'd wake up with no eyebrows and the word "paedo" on my face.
It's a little different.
That would have been a great political story, if he'd woken up with one eyebrow.
Imagine walking in to PMQs with a Hitler moustache.
"I can explain this" It was embarrassing, the picture of him with the sunglasses, but he has suppressed this picture that we're very proud to show Even if they shared the same bed - I share a bed with a woman.
Does that make me a lesbian? No! LAUGHTER Admittedly, it might eventually make her one, but that This is the man who earns £400,000 a year.
What on earth is he doing sharing a room? That just seems massively tight-fisted.
Some of us get night terrors, all right? What's funny about that, if there is a goblin under my bed?! These rumours have followed him around since university.
He came on the national stage at 16, speaking at the Tory Conference - the youngest ever person to address the Tory Party conference.
Later, the rumours came up that he has no female companions.
But he's a political dork who went bald in his 20s.
That does not scream "fanny magnet" at the best of times.
God love him.
It's not HIS fault! Take it from a nerd who lost his hair early - you're fighting a difficult game at the best of times.
I've been reading about Hague, and apparently he has to compete with Rotterdam as a port.
LAUGHTER OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
Now we play a round called Wayne Rooney's Threesome of Fun.
This game involves Milton, Andi and Andy.
If you could make your way to the performance area.
It is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
Here we go.
The first subject is Politics.
Who wants to come in with that? Andi? All right.
So it's been a pretty amazing time for black people in politics.
There's a lot of black women becoming movers and shakers.
We've got Oona King going up for Labour candidacy for the mayoral election, Diane Abbott, got her 33 nominations, going for Labour leadership.
Doesn't stand a chance but good luck to you.
And we've got Floella Benjamin in the House of Lords! I know what you're thinking - how the hell did she get in there? Through the round window? It's true.
I think we've shown that we're up for change.
We've shown we've got a sense of humour, that is the only way Boris Johnson could have possibly got himself elected.
But I heard a lovely story about Boris Johnson, about him and his dad.
Apparently they look very similar, and his dad also likes riding a bike.
His dad was out one day, riding his bike, and some random geezer shouted at him, "Oi, Johnson, you wanker," and he went, "I think you mean my son.
" Which I thought was lovely.
APPLAUSE OK, let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is security.
Who wants to talk about this? Andy Parsons.
That dog looks excited, doesn't he? Do you think some old lady has trapped a cat in the suitcase? They did describe the Times Square bomber as amateurish.
Now, the reason for this was apparently he used non-explosive fertiliser.
He hadn't created a bomb.
He basically created a garden in the back of his SUV.
If he was a suicide bomber, if he pulled his jacket, a little bit of compost would have just trickled down his leg.
Some people think that Osama Bin Laden is in fact dead.
I don't think he's dead.
I think we will know when Osama Bin Laden is dead.
It will be when Al-Qaeda release all of his videos as a box set.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much, Andy Parsons! OK, that leaves us with Milton.
Let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
The subject is school.
When I was five years old, my teacher asked me if I wanted to take the school guinea pig home.
Seven months later I arrived in the African Republic of Guinea LAUGHTER My parents didn't know where I was, the British Consulate wouldn't help, and my space hopper had a puncture.
When I was at school I spent half my time afraid of things like fractions.
Well, I say half my time It's not easy for teachers, though.
Where do you stand? Do you stand at the front, where you can write on the board but you can't see the children, or do you stand at the back where you can see the children but you can't write on the board? No one has able to solve that dilemma, not by a long chalk.
When I was young, I baked an apple tart.
I took it to Leeds, Liverpool and Reading - all because my maths teacher said make sure you take pi to three dismal places.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much.
And in that round the points go to Milton Jones! Come on back.
Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question.
On the board are six categories.
Andi, which category would you like? - Erm, sport, please.
- OK, sport is your category.
The answer is What is the question? Is it the viewing figures for the Women's Rugby World Cup if you added two? Is it the number of North Korean players who got home safely after the World Cup? Is it at what age is too young to be on Twitter? "Just done a shit, LOL.
" Is it, how many Sugababes now have diabetes? Is it, how long does a game of I Spy take in seconds for a group of Chilean miners? AUDIENCE GROANS "Starts with a J.
Is it Javier again? "It is Javier again.
" Is it, how many steps to heaven have been replaced by a wheelchair ramp? How many people in Britain last year paid the right amount of tax? APPLAUSE Is it how many livers did George Best get through? AUDIENCE GROANS What?! He liked liver.
It was his favourite meal.
Or is it how old was the boy who made my trainers? AUDIENCE GROANS It's a joke.
I'm wearing Hush Puppies.
Is it how many Facebook friends have I got? Is it what is the minimum membership level for a Musketeers club? It really would work All for one and you for me! Is it, on a Dulux colour chart, how many oranges are there that are slightly brighter than Christine Bleakley's face? Wow, the minute you leave the BBC, you are dead to us.
That's the way that works.
Dead to us, Christine.
Anyone who knows the correct answer? Is it allegedly the number of deliberate no-balls the Pakistanis bowled in the last Test match? Yes, that's absolutely right.
Well done, Andy Parsons.
The question I was looking for was how many no-balls were allegedly delivered to order by Pakistan cricketers in a £150,000 betting scam uncovered by the News of the World? This is the news that Pakistan cricketers Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir have been suspended by the International Cricket Council after the News of the World claimed to have uncovered an alleged betting scam set up by London-based fixer Mazhar Majeed, and said that he let the paper in on the scam in return for £150,000.
But it's a no-ball, isn't it? It's effectively a foot fault.
If you are betting on foot faults, you have a gambling problem.
You would think people would spot that.
If you went into William Hill and said, "I think Andy Murray is going to do a foot fault in the fourth point "of the third game of the second set," wouldn't the person behind the counter go, that's a bit suspicious? "A bit specific, isn't it? "We only need the score, mate.
Thanks very much" It is astonishing, kind of sad, in a way, that there are people out there who are willing to bet on Watch cricket long enough to see if no-balls are being bowled during a Test match.
You can also bet on how many friends they have got and the last time they managed to talk to a girl.
As if cricket isn't dull enough anyway, you are looking for dull things within a dull sport.
They did a no-ball within the dullness.
That is like eating at a vegan barbecue whilst listening to Dido - you can't get any duller.
There are greater allegations.
They are saying there is a chance that they actually threw one of the matches against Australia last winter.
And you're thinking, "My goodness me, we have just lost to them in the third Test match.
"If it turns out they were match-fixing, we have been trying to beat them and we lost to a team, who quite possibly were trying to throw the match.
How crap are we?!" Stop hitting the ball! I'm throwing it underarm.
I'm throwing it in the most girlish way.
Stop hitting the damn ball! I think people are making it like it's really extreme or something.
Someone said in the papers, "This is the worst crime a sportsman can commit.
I'm thinking, "Try telling OJ Simpson's wife that.
" There was a quote, in the News of the World, I think, "In this terrible time for Pakistan", which obviously it is at the moment, "In this terrible time for Pakistan, while they struggled with "the huge disaster, these four men were defiling the traditions at Lord's.
" And you go, "Because that's really what the people are worried about at the moment!" "We have no possessions, our home has been washed away, but as long as the home of cricket "remains bound with integrity, that is the most important thing.
" It is extraordinary they paid £150,000 for the story, when normally they hack into the players' voice mails and pay nothing.
What is scary is, going into a betting shop.
I'm not an Alpha male.
You walk in and go, HIGH PITCHED: "Hello.
I'd like to bet on the National.
" And all the men look massive, made even bigger by holding tiny pens.
You see the little pen going, "I wish I worked in Argos!" On the day of the Grand National, you do feel like that.
"I'd like to bet on a horse, please.
Which one has the prettiest name?" "Do ya wanna do it each way?" "Do they come back?" - Why was Wayne Rooney in trouble this week? - Wayne Rooney allegedly, Dara, had sex with a prostitute.
I cannot wait for the songs that will come from the crowd.
Straightaway, it will be TO "THIS OLD MAN" TUNE # Wayne Rooney shagged a whore We all thought he couldn't score His wife's going to take his money from the bank Next time, Wayne just have a wank.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING No, I think that is great, but I think it's long for your average football supporter.
She also said she wouldn't have sex with him in his own house, out of respect for Coleen.
That's a woman with standards.
He allegedly paid a grand for sex.
There is girls in Norwich who will do it for chips.
Just a complete waste.
It speaks volumes about how ugly Rooney is.
He's a multi-millionaire footballer and still has to pay for sex! "Please touch my penis.
" "It's gonna cost you, Shrek.
" Brutal.
I think the real problem is there will be people in Norwich watching, going, "Oh, I'm just going out to the fish and chip shop.
" - Six bags of chips, please.
- I will tell you how middle class I am.
When I saw the headline, "Cheating Roo beds hooker," I thought, "Kanga is going to be furious!" It was listing all his earnings and what might be compromised because of what's happened.
He has got a £5m book deal.
Who wants a book by Wayne Rooney? Do you know he has written two already? And they have sold.
I can't get it, what does it say in there? SCOUSE ACCENT: "Scored a goal, banged a prossie.
" Chapter Two, "Scored a goal, banged a prossie.
" Chapter Three, "Swallowed a Lego.
" APPLAUSE One of my favourite things is the papers are saying he's going to lose the sponsorship money.
Like kids won't buy Coke because Rooney cheated.
"I'm really thirsty, but I just don't believe in sex outside wedlock.
" At the end of that round, points to Russell, Andy and Andi! Now Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I will read out this week's topics and see what our panellists can come up with.
The first subject is "So we were playing truth or dare and I didn't want to tell the truth, so I shagged Edwina Currie.
" "Big Ben struck 12 and stopped.
"Thank God.
My buttocks were on fire.
" "I thought I had pressed the button that summoned the tea lady.
"Imagine my surprise when it turned out I had bombed Russia.
" "I think the greatest thing about meeting the Queen was listening to him singing Candle In The Wind.
" "Say what you like about Robert Mugabe, but that moustache makes all the difference to foreplay.
" "I suspected that John Prescott was having an affair "when the four legs of his desk came through the ceiling above me.
" "I was actually at college with Saddam Hussein.
" "We were at Sussex together, doing chemistry and combined inhumanities.
" "At the start, there were three women in the Cabinet, five in the cellar and two under the patio.
" "Deciding to go to war was one of the tensest games of eeny meeny miny mo I have ever played.
" "We'd sometimes break up boring cabinet meetings by convincing David Blunkett he was black.
" "When we got into Bosnia, the first thing we did "was get the UN troops setting up trestle tables with plates of cheese straws and sausage rolls.
"It turns out, we were supposed to provide a buffer, not a buffet.
" "John Prescott - An Autobi "An Autobr A Book By Me!" "Take that, you bastard," he said.
"No one fucks with Mahatma Gandhi.
" The next topic is "I know you're a teenage mother, but nobody will patronise you here.
Come through to the slag ward.
" "Next, he was put in a CAT scanner.
"Unfortunately, the cat was still in it.
" "And so Nick Griffin comes round after the face transplant and that's not the colour he was expecting!" "OK, now coughand cough again.
" "OK, I have got the diagnosis.
"You have a cough.
" "Eventually, doctors had to break his leg in six places.
"It was the only way to stop him running around the ward, the little tosser.
" "34% of people in this country have irritable bowel synd Oh, sorry!" "What this attractive patient doesn't realise is Dr Singh was struck off years ago.
" "Brian is 75 stone, he hasn't left the house for three years.
"What a fat bastard.
" "After months of tests, doctors finally discovered what had caused his blindness.
"He had been masturbating too much.
" "Today, we're attempting a slightly difficult operation.
"What we're hoping to do is remove the Adam's apple with a pair of tweezers, "without the patient's nose flashing red.
" "Tara removes her top, to reveal a hideous skin infection.
"Look away now if you are eating Rice Krispies.
" "The Siamese twins were joined in the most embarrassing place imaginable "and known by friends as 'the skipping rope'.
" SUSTAINED AUDIENCE LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE At the end of that round, the points go to Russell, Andy and Andi! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Russell Howard.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Goodnight.