Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Jack Whitehall, Chris Addison, Andi Osho, Carl Donnelly

This programme contains some strong language.
Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho, Jack Whitehall, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Carl Donnelly.
APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
Here's a picture from this week's Labour party conference, but what does EMDB stand for? Is it how Ed Miliband was chosen? "Eenie meenie dibble bibble.
" Is it "Ed, marvellous! Double crossing bastard"? David is threatening Ed and he's reminding him of something he used to do.
"Remember, Ed, make damp bed.
" Looking at the acting on David's face, is it "elder Miliband deserves BAFTA?" Is it what David should have done the minute he was born.
"Eradicate my dad's bollocks"? Is it "Ernie marginally defeats Bert"? Is it something to do with the way Ed's standing? Is it "Ed Miliband disguises boner"? I reckon it is just a headline from The Daily Mail.
"Evil, Marxist, dictator bastard".
- I need the correct answer.
- Does the E stand for Ed? - Yes.
- Does the M stand for Miliband? Yes, it does.
You are very good at this game.
Does the D stand for David and does the B stand for Biliband? Is it "Ed's mother is David's brother"? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Is it "Ed Miliband defeats brother"? - It is, indeed.
Well done.
APPLAUSE Yes, the answer I was looking for was "Ed Miliband defeats brother".
This is the news that Ed Miliband had become the leader of the Labour Party after a nail-biting build up at the party's conference.
Ed narrowly defeated his elder brother and clear favourite David in one of the biggest upsets in recent British political history.
Don't you think it was really weird, in his acceptance speech, Ed Miliband said, "Never in my wildest imagination did I think I would become leader of this party.
" You think, "Why did you stand then?" LAUGHTER You must have thought it was a vague idea it was a possibility.
If we want a leader who doesn't understand how elections work, we might as well send a passport to Robert Mugabe! They were trying to encourage him to actually state where he is, is he Blairite, is he Brownite? He is saying he is his own man, but Milibandite doesn't sound like a political philosophy, does it? It sounds more like a strong adhesive.
You know, "Don't use glue, use Milibandite.
" They glue him to the back of the wall in the party conference and slowly, slowly lower him.
"He's not falling, he's not falling.
Milibandite is perfect.
" He has the look of somebody on the Apprentice.
Ever since it has been announced he is the leader he has the look of "I didn't mean THAT to happen.
" When he stood up to give his leader's speech I thought he was going to start by going, "Am I being punked?" LAUGHTER He is like Beaker out of the Muppets.
I love him.
Yeah, it's all, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi" with him.
They look quite similar.
If they looked a little bit more similar they could do that stuff that they did in Parent Trap.
They could pretend to be each other.
David would turn up, "It's Ed, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's Ed.
"I'll go and do my speech now Africa Schmafrica.
" "What about gays?" And he would fine.
It is a great plan.
It is one of the best plans I've ever heard.
Turn up and do "Africa Schmafrica, what about the gays"? - The famous Africa Schmafrica speech! - The famous "I have a schm-dream.
" What factor led Ed to narrowly defeat his brother in this? This is supposed to be the unions.
The annoying thing now is that the papers are calling him Red Ed.
If you read The Daily Mail they say, ".
Who has been dubbed Red Ed.
" Yeah, by you! They are calling him Red Ed partly cos he's got left wing policies but mainly because it rhymes with Ed.
Unfortunate, yes.
There are lots of things that rhyme with Ed.
He's in a bit of trouble, isn't he? If he moves to the right, it will be "Right, said Ed.
" If he gets married, "Wed Ed.
" If he wakes up with a bad hair day - bed Ed.
It's just going to go on and on.
I like the fact all the newspapers said, "Their policies are different, even though they're brothers.
" It would be quite cool if more political brothers came out of the woodwork.
"Hello, I'm Colin Mugabe.
My favourite festival is Glastonbury "cos I love anything that is run by a rich white farmer.
" To make up for the sibling rivalry, didn't Ed say he would give David any job he wanted? That leaves it open.
He could get revenge by just making up a job.
Shadow McDaddy of the Exchequer? What if he goes, "I'll give you any job you want.
" "How about leader of the Labour Party?" David's hand gestures during his speech, he gave a speech the next day where he was talking about Ed all the time, but there was a camera focused on his hands and he was going, "The thing about Ed We have to work together.
" He kept referring to him as special over and over again.
"Ed is a special person.
" He might as well went "I think we know what I mean.
" And references to his poor partner who was upset, obviously, cos her husband lost out on his dream, but kept going on about HOW upset she was and she was a violinist.
She was upset and she was a violinist.
These two facts were in every piece, as if she spent four days fiddling furiously.
LAUGHTER Twang, twang, just one string! The first poll that came out after he was elected leader, had Labour slightly ahead.
Pollsters are constantly bringing things out all the time, "Who are you going to vote for?" They are nagging the whole time.
"Did we not tell you? "I'm sure we told you who we would vote for and then voted for them.
" They're like opticians, pollsters.
It's just "And now? "And now? And now? "And now? And now? And now?" "Shut up!" - What problems has the police been having with their E Fit pictures, have you seen this? - I have seen it.
Police in Hampshire released an E Fit is like a new, technologically advanced photofit, "have you seen this man?" picture, and they released one during the week, the Hampshire Constabulary, of a burglar who stole £60 from an old woman's purse.
This is the picture.
If you have seen this man you should report it.
People were saying it was the police's fault! It's clearly the witness who had, "No, green, no, definitely green, his hair was.
" What, so he looks like Jimmy White, but with a Shrek wig?! This is the Joker, that broke into your house.
All you can say to that is, if you were a bald man and a robber, get yourself an iceberg lettuce, hold it behind your head and only attack very short-sighted people! People might have green hair.
I know, it would be easy enough to trap someone with green hair.
"Oh, yeah, you want Green Hair Dave.
He can't account for HIS movements last night.
" It looks like the outcome if Keith Harris had sex with Orville.
"I can't", "You can!", "I can't!", "You CAN!" "Can I sing me song now?" "Whatever.
Please yourself.
" They still can't find the man, but my suggestion would be that he is lying low in some allotments.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Carl.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called News Reel.
We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
This week's clip features the Royal Family.
HE MIMICS THE QUEEN: "Oh, I hate looking at houses.
" MIMICS MAN: "Hopefully this next property will really float your boat.
"It is downsizing, but the owner may take an offer.
"It's been on the market since 1584.
It's damp and it's got no roof.
" MIMICS PRINCE PHILLIP: "What a waste of an morning, I could be shooting an osprey.
"Did you know you have a meringue on your head?" "Look, Liz, there's a goat.
"Oh, that makes me feel peckish.
"Where are we staying?" QUEEN: "In the Premier Inn.
" PHILLIP: "Could you have that delivered to the Premier Inn?" "Room 256.
" "And a shed load of pitta bread.
" QUEEN: "Where is Philip? "Where is he? I need to talk to him about the en suite.
MAN: "I think he might be talking to a man about a goat.
" QUEEN: "Not again.
Tell me about this castle.
"Does it have a dungeon? We need somewhere to keep Fergie.
" PHILLIP: "Tasty.
Slice them thinly, a bit of chilli sauce.
"Problem is catching them.
We have to drop on them from above.
" QUEEN: "You've not been banging on about goats again? PHILLIP: "Who, me? Not at all, no.
"Do you like goats?" "Oh, my God, there's another one.
They're everywhere.
"They are like Albanians, yes.
" QUEEN: "Goodbye everyone.
Sorry about my husband.
"Do you like the property?" PHILLIP: "I don't know.
Have you asked them the question? Go on, ask, please?" QUEEN: "Do I have to? All right.
"Is it near a kebab shop?" Now we play a round called Eat, Pray, Mock.
This game involves Jack, Karl and Andi, so if you could make your way to the performance area.
This round is a stand up challenge.
I launch a wheel of news and wherever it stops, one of our performers must talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
Here we go.
The first subject is - Food.
Who wants to come in on that? - I'll have that.
I eat a lot of fast food.
My favourite is actually Subway sandwiches.
Basically, the thing that annoys me about, I don't think it should take three people to make you a sandwich.
If you have ever been, every time you pop in, you order food, a relay race kicks off.
One guy gets the bread of choice out, cuts it and thinks "I can't carry on here.
" He then passes it to his friend, who puts your fillings of choice in, who thinks, "That'll do me at this juncture.
" The final guy wraps it up and charges you.
It's not hard to make a sandwich.
I manage quite well at home on my own.
I've never been half way through a sandwich and thought, "I need some back up.
" A strange event happened to me in a Subway.
I went into one, I was the only person in the shop, I got to the counter and the guy went, "How can I help you?" "I'll have a six-inch meatball marinara, please.
" Then the guy broke the news to me, "We're out of bread at the moment.
" "Well, shut the shop then!" What did he expect me to order that warranted his question? Like I was walking past thinking, "Do you know what I need right now? A cup of sweetcorn.
" What annoyed me was that he didn't open with the no bread.
If you work in a sandwich shop and run out of bread, that's all you say.
You don't let people through the door before you go, "No bread!" But he let me say the full name of my sandwich.
"Can I have a six-inch meatball marinara, but rather than bread, I've got a plan.
"I'm going to walk along the front of the counter with my mouth open and you can chuck the meatballs in.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, let's spin the wheel again.
- The subject is identity.
Who wants to come in on that? - I will! Well! Yeah, so being Nigerian that is the identity I most probably associate myself with and I have been a Nigerian a long time.
One of the things that I love that Nigerian women do, it seems to be in our DNA, and that's to point with our lips for some reason, like that.
I don't know why.
It is not cos our hands are full or anything.
Also when you get really, really good at it, you can talk at the same time.
So I have seen my mum go, "Take this one and put it over here.
" I love it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE But Nigerian men are amazing.
I love Nigerian men.
But there's one thing about them.
They cannot answer a question straight.
They've got to answer a question with another question.
So you could ask them something simple as "What's your name?" and they'll be, "Hey, hey, come on now, what do you need to know my name for?" "Well, it's standard procedure for a passport application.
I don't make the rules.
" I hate my passport photo, I look like I have been caught in a lay by with Hugh Grant.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Andi.
That leaves us with Jack, let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
- The topic is young people.
- Ooh.
They look pretty mischievous.
I've been in trouble once or twice before because I say the wrong thing when I get intimidated.
I get intimidated quite a lot.
The night bus, I think, is the worst.
When you go on to the night bus, on the top deck, and there's all these youths sat at the back like a pack of wolves, and the hoodies playing their music really loudly on their mobile phones.
I found out the hard way, they don't like it when you make requests.
I didn't know what I was doing, I was drunk.
I turned round, the leader of the pack's staring me, "Oi, bruv, what do you want?" "Erm, Cheryl Cole, Fight For This Love, please.
" I panic, I say the wrong thing.
I did a student gig recently at the University of Warrington.
It was quite a hostile environment.
I went up on the stage before I'd done any of my material, this big guy in the front row got up and went, "Oi, mate, get on with your jokes.
I came here for the comedy.
" I said, "No, you didn't.
You came cos you screwed up your A-levels.
" LAUGHTER I think it's something I get from my parents.
My parents are very confrontational, they're Pisces and Capricorn, so they're always at each other's throats.
I do all that zodiac thing.
Like, I don't get on with my sister's new boyfriend, because I'm a Leo and he's a bell end.
LAUGHTER OK, for that round, the points go to Andi and Jack.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Karl, which category would you like? - Sports, please.
- OK, your category is sport, and the answer is seven years.
What is the question? Is it how long would Chris Moyles have to not be paid for before I gave a shit? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE One of the largest spontaneous and heartfelt applauses we've had.
Is it how long since Eamonn Holmes last saw his feet? SUBDUED LAUGHTER Whereas the audience can turn! Is it how many years of good luck would you get if you broke Jeremy Clarkson's face? What is the average age of a construction worker at the Commonwealth Games? Is it after how long will the Chilean miners decide that it's not gay if it happens underground? Is it how old is the Earth according to Sarah Palin? Is it how long does it take Dara to put a polo neck on? Is it what's the longest recorded phone call between my wife and her mother? Is it how many of my school years were spent being called Screech from Saved By The Bell? How long does it take the idiot in front of you to use the self check out? Self check out? I love that.
I tell you what, I'm in Tesco's, I'm just going to check out the prostate.
I think it's only in Lidl you're allowed to expose those sorts of things.
Illegal item in the bagging area.
Illegal item in the bagging area.
Illegal bagging in the item area.
Can we get the correct answer? How long ago were the Indians aware they'd have to build the Commonwealth Games? Is absolutely right.
Very good, well done.
Yes, the question I was looking for was, how much time has Delhi had to prepare for the crisis-hit Commonwealth Games, which reports claim are still not ready.
The city won the right to host the games in 2003, but the build up to the event has been plagued by fears that facilities and accommodation might not be completed on time and to a safe standard.
What's going wrong? Well, the ceiling of the weightlifting area collapsed.
That's fantastic, isn't it? "And there he is, he's holding up 200 kilograms "and the roof!" Yes, that is one of them.
Anything else? People were making the distinction between filth and excrement.
That's not a reassuring distinction to make.
"Is that excrement my bed is bobbing around in?" "Don't worry, mate, that's just filth.
" "Oh, fine, fine.
"Wake me when it's time to swim to the venue.
" There's a combination of exposed wiring and flooding.
Not a great combination, is it? A man has jumped further than any human in history by merely trying to turn on his bathroom light.
Phillips Idowu claimed he's not going because of the safety precautions.
But I read afterwards he's from Hackney.
Collapsing buildings are going to be good for world records.
Nothing will make you run quicker than thinking the main stand is about to come on your head.
Aren't athletes incredibly wussy about the accommodation? A lot of Australians aren't going.
An Australian, you'd think, "I've wrestled crocs, I've been bitten by a shark.
But "Oh, no, it's badly grouted!" I think the fear isn't bad grouting, it's dengue fever from stagnant water pools.
And to be fair, this is the hockey training ground at the moment.
Even for a hockey pitch, that's a lot of stagnant water and metal poles.
I think an outbreak of mosquitoes is going to make exciting viewing.
Watching all the runners running along like this.
The hop, skip and slap's going to absolutely fascinating.
It'll be very difficult for deaf people watching, cos all the guys out there interpreting I think deaf people don't need that much interpretation on a race.
I think they can generally spot They have to go really fast.
"There's a marathon today.
" I went to India, I was quite shocked actually by the stuff.
When you go out, you have to eat with one hand and wipe your bum with the other hand, and I was nervous that I'd forget which one was used for which.
But I'm sensible, Dara, so I used cutlery.
But after a while it really began to hurt my bum.
LAUGHTER I think, for the Commonwealth Games, this presents a unique opportunity for boxers.
It'll be the one and only time they can start off the competition as a heavyweight and by the end of the competition be fighting as a featherweight.
That little bucket by the side of the ring is going to see more action than they ever expected before.
- Do you know what they had to remove from one of the rooms in the athletes' village? - A snake.
A cobra was in one of the bedrooms and they said, "Don't worry, we gave you a basket and a small horn.
"Play the horn, and the cobra'll go back in his basket.
" A cobra?! That's a valid safety complaint, surely? But it's a double whammy, as well.
You get bitten by a cobra, they give you an anti-venom and then they disqualify you for having an illegal substance in your bloodstream! What animals have been brought in? - Camels? - Not camels, no.
- Er, penguins? Not penguins.
Polar bears? - No, monkeys.
- Is it a narwhal? It's not a nar Stop naming random animals! - Is it a muskrat? - It's not a muskrat! I've already said the word 'monkeys' while you carried on naming things.
- Is it monkeys? - Well done, yes.
It is monkeys.
Trained monkeys have been brought in, langur monkeys, they're called.
- And what are they there to do? - Moving sofas.
- No.
Sell T-shirts.
- No, they're there to stop other monkeys getting in.
- Monkey bouncers! They've got a list of other monkeys "Your species isn't down, you're not coming in.
" Ah-oo oo-oo ah-ah ah-ah-ah "And if you don't back away, I'll fling shit at you.
" Cos the plumbing's rubbish, they're there to test in case the baths are too hot.
If they get in and go Ah-ah-ah-ah! It could mean either, to be honest.
I was trying to think, what's the worst event to do if you have got the shits? I thought weightlifting.
That has got to be the worst, hasn't it? You push up, the whole idea that every action has an equal and opposite reaction APPLAUSE After that round, the points go to Jack, Andi and Andy.
Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their way over to the Performance Area.
I'll read out this week's topics, and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go, the first subject is "unlikely things to hear in a quiz show".
Well, welcome to Junior Mastermind.
Our annual competition to find the best nerdy, specky, knobby no-mates in Britain 2010.
We asked 100 people, name something you eat with a spoon? And the top answer was, "Piss off, I'm busy.
" So Nick Griffin, you were the Weakest Link in that round and yet you chose to get rid of Rashid.
Why? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And on tonight's Family Fortunes, we're joined by the Fritzls and the Wests.
So Noel, your soul for a resurrected career.
Deal or no deal? Oh, this one has really stumped Steve from the Eggheads.
The question was, what is it like to have sex with a woman? Welcome to Weakest Link Bankers' Edition.
You've banked nothing, scored nothing, and yet you still have a bonus.
Yeah! I said it! Let's take 'em! Let's take 'em all! You and me, let's go! You have one lifeline left, that's calling your country's Government to see whether they will accept our demands.
We asked 100 people, where is the G spot? You've given your answer.
If it's up there, love, I'll give you the money myself.
So this question for £100.
What is your PIN number? Deal or no deal? Deal.
LAUGHTER I'm Dale Winton, and you've got to be in it to win it, and by that, of course, I mean my bottom.
The next topic is, "lines you wouldn't hear in an action movie".
CAMP VOICE: Right, I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or just five? To be honest, in all the kerfuffle I kind of lost count myself.
But, seeing as how this is a 0.
44 magnum, the most powerful shotgun in the world, it could blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself, "What am I like?" If I press this button, you will witness the worst thing you could possibly imagine.
Channel 5.
I know you're mad, Max, but getting drunk and blaming everything on the Jews isn't going to help.
First, Mr Bond, I plan to aim the giant laser at the world, and then Fuck, this cat's shat on me again.
OK, men.
This is the plan.
We tunnel under the wire, we make a dash for Blighty, and hopefully we'll never, ever have to compete in the Commonwealth Games again.
I want your clothes, your boots and your unicycle.
There's a bomb on this bus, but we think we know who's got it.
But if we get this wrong, we might look a bit racist.
Batman, it's Catwoman, she says she's been thrown in a wheelie bin.
They beat him.
They kicked him.
They shot him.
They left him for dead.
Now, he's dead.
Now listen to me, Bourne, if you're not back in 10 minutes, your dinner goes in the bin.
And, yes, that is an ultimatum.
- HE RASPS - "Luke, I am your father.
" "Really? "You're black.
" I'm Iron Man, doing what I do best.
Ironing! AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: "Which box do I put it in?" Terminator 5, Recycling Day.
I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the legions of the north.
Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.
Gladiator, ready! Contender, ready! Three, two, one! At that end of that round, the points go to Jack, Andi, and Andy.
That's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Jack Whitehall.
Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Carl Donnelly.
Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain.