Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Chris Addison, Ed Byrne, Micky Flanagan, Diane Morgan

APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne, Micky Flanagan and Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Diane Morgan.
APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
Here's a picture of Labour leader Ed Miliband and his brother in happier times.
But what does "EMIT" stand for? Is it evil mannequins in Top Man? LAUGHTER Does it describe Ed's first year in office? Is it elected, married, isolated, terminated? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is it just what Ed's brain tells him to do when he's talking, "emit, emit, emit"? It's not simpsimp -- simply, "Easy, mate.
I'm ticklish"? Is it more street than that, is it, "Easy, man.
I's tasty"? Is it just, "Ed Miliband is a tosser"? Applauding the sentiment or the hard-hitting nature - applauding the existence of a publication in Britain that would run the head line, "Ed Miliband is a tosser" - this is the paper that tells it like it is - LAUGHTER Is it "Ed might injure troublemaker"? It's not - but is it engineers manufacture imitation Tories? Huh? What's wrong, Britain, too much truth for you? Equally, satirically, is it, "Ed Miliband is Tep Ladder"? Are we doing a call-back to last week's show now? Are we going there, are we? Put down your crowbar, your time-travelling crowbar of comedy! "Ed Miliband in Trouble".
Thank you very much.
The answer I was looking for was "Ed Miliband in Trouble".
This is the news that nine months into the job, Labour leader Ed Miliband is struggling for support within his party and from Labour voters and there has been fresh scrutiny of his relationship with his brother.
His brother has come out to defend him, though, hasn't he? Yes.
Because apparently their relationships are a bit frosty at the moment, but you're thinking, not as frosty as the Giggs brothers at the moment.
At least Ed Miliband can defend himself by going, well, I've only shagged your career.
I've not touched your wife.
" Ed Miliband has demanded that David Miliband is permanently out of focus in photographs.
LAUGHTER The Mail are trying to make more out of this sibling rivalry thing, which David has denied, saying, it's a soap opera of which I have no part, and the public have no interest, and then Ed went - $ (NERDY VOICE) Then, David said, "I don't sound like that.
" $ (NERDY VOICE) "I don't sound like that"! Didn't really help themselves.
No, you're right.
Isn't it time for mum to step in, and go, "You can both be Prime Minister, but you've got to share!" I was talking to a friend, and I was saying, I wonder what Ed Miliband is actually like.
And they said, "You've met him.
" I thought, I have.
That is what Ed Miliband is like.
I had to be prompted to remember that I had met the man.
Where did I meet him? On the Andrew Marr Show.
Me, Andrew Marr and Ed Miliband, all dork.
Could he have been hiding behind Andrew Marr's ears? You can't do that because they use those for the live feeds.
You have to point towards different territories.
As the satellites move, so does Andrew Marr's head.
you're surprised, the signal goes in Asia.
What? What Ed and David never have the opportunity to do? He never had the chance to give a victory speech.
His victory speech he had prepared for the Labour leadership election was leaked this week, and it was disappointingly gracious.
I felt just once I'd like to see an election where somebody goes, boom! I've done it! I've beat him.
Oh, yeah! If you're going to essentially have the option to rewrite history, if you're going to leak a speech, then stick in a few things that make you just nine months later, like, I just believe in the society where anyone from Newcastle could get a job in America, get a job on a talent show and not be sent back - how did I know that was going to happen? And where did he deliver the speech? delivered it to his wife in the car on the way home that must have been an exciting car journey.
At some point during the drive home, I'm assuming she went, David, excuse me.
I've just got to deliberately set off the airbag.
" LAUGHTER In other news, who has Ed Miliband attacked this week? The workshy.
He wants the workshy to go to work, which I think is a terrible idea.
I think they should stay on the dole where they belong.
If they're a bit of a drain on the economy, fine.
As long as they're not at work, that's when they cause problems.
As long as they're on the dole, they're not losing your luggage or derailing your tapes.
APPLAUSE As somebody who spent years signing on and working, I'm offended by that to be honest.
Can you really get up the energy to be that offended? I used to like the '80s.
No-one cared in the '80's - did they? They just went into the unemployment benefit office, people walking about with buckets and ladders in overalls, just getting the hump because the woman was taking so long, "Come on, love.
We've all got to get back to work here, come on.
" It's like the good old days.
Which coalition reforms are in the spotlight this week? It's the NHS reforms.
This is the whole idea that Cameron had said that basically there is a lot of waste in the NHS.
You're thinking, it's a massive organisation.
Within that organisation, there is going to be a lot of people presumably sat around on their bum doing very little, but let's face it - a lot of them are very ill.
LAUGHTER The biggest worry for me was when Cameron said he wanted to rid the NHS of imbalances.
I thought, how are people going to get to hospital? APPLAUSE It It was It was strange It was strange - It was strange - the plan was to hand control to the GPs, who only do a certain part of the work, like.
The GPs didn't want this, because they knew, like, could you look after the NHS? I don't know how the big machines work! I just send the people to do the people who can do the big machine - aaah! The whole idea of the GP consortium, though, is basically, isn't it, so doctors not only have to decide what is the best treatment for you, it's also whether that treatment might be value for money.
So each time you go and see your GP, to have an argument with themselves, as to what exactly they should be doing.
It would be like going to see Gollum - you know, "Come in.
Come in, nice man.
But he wants the Precious.
Ooh, but he's not verywell, no.
Let him die.
Kill him.
Kill him.
" The key thing they're trying to get rid of, though, is the cost, isn't it? It's the cost of the NHS.
And all he could do that with making no changes at all - all you've got to do really is get rid of the confidentiality of the doctors.
If you go to the GP and he's not going to be confidential, if he comes out and goes, "Here you have Mr Smith.
He's got piles the size of onions" you're note going to go to the doctor again.
I don't know if you've been watching Embarrassing Illnesses.
People are very happy to show off their weirdnesses.
If they could do it in the waiting room, look at that.
Look at that.
See what I mean? In other news, what's going on here? It's Boris Johnson saying, "Bloody hell.
Who called the child support agency?" Boris finally comes in useful as a battering ram.
Is he saying, to be honest, I thought the Olympic Village would be a bit smarter than this.
He said, "I will not have people keeping these bikes out longer than they've paid for.
" like a new crap crime drama, isn't it - Toff Cop.
It's like he's just at party going, "Is the toilet this way?" It's a policeman going, "Ooh look.
It's the fat one from Little Britain.
" You know the drugs are good when you think that the Mayor of London has just come into your flat.
Trying to get back to - the police are clearly going in one direction into the flat while Boris is discreetly coming out of the flat, "Well done.
Keep it up there.
" in there.
Get him! Quick - whew.
This white cross on a green background on the policeman's helmet - it looks like one of those things, if you squeeze his head, PlayDoh is going to come out.
guy was called Rambo, aged 48, and Johnson, said the words: Which is a fair point, not to the police - "Oh, no, coppers - bloody hell!" He's the last person you should take on a raid because the idea of a raid is the secrecy, right, but he just constantly communityers, bom, bom, bom, bom.
Waiting outside the door - "Could you just be quiet? "$$NEWLINE "Bom, bom, bom, bom" Could you be quiet? This is incredibly important.
"Bom, bom, bom, bom.
" He's like a posh motorbike, "bom, bom, bom, bom.
" just doesn't work the whole - you see American crime movies where the guy - the Police Chief go - I've got the Mayor on my back about this Berkovsky, and behind him Boris is going, "Flumety, flumetyflum, flum, whiff whaff, whiff whaff, whiff whaff.
".
I think what the BLEEP are you doing here is a perfectly reasonable response.
During a raid on your house, and I think it's a perfectly reasonable response for people who worked in the Mayor's office when he first turned up for work.
OK.
At the end of that round, the points go to Micky, Ed and Andy.
Now we play a round called the The Apprentice: You're Funny.
This game involves Micky, Diane and Chris.
So if you could make your way to the performance area please.
This is a stand-up challenge.
The first subject is school.
Who wants to come into that? Diane.
A lot ofly friends are starting to have kids now, and it always amazes me the amount of effort that some parents put into choosing a school for their kids because when I was younger, my parents were like, George Tomlinson's a bit far away, isn't it? She'll only have to cross one road if she goes to St Peter's.
That's settled, then.
St Peter's it is.
Yeah, they've got a high teenage pregnancy rate, but she probably won't get knocked over.
" "Et momentum mori etway" - that was the Latin that was over the door at my school.
It means "Knocked up, but not knocked down".
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It's a rubbish school, my school, though.
It's really rubbish.
My domestic science class was about 45 minutes long, so they didn't have time to show us how to prepare and cook an apple pie from scrap.
So to save time, to cut corners, they said, "Bring in some ready-made pastry and a tin of apples - ready- made, ready-made, all ready-made pastry and a tin of - I don't know why they just didn't have a class on how to buy an apple pie.
Thank you very much.
OK.
Let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is technology.
Chris.
We really take technology for granted now.
We live in an age of miracles, not that you would know this - not that you would know this, because we take everything, everything, just as it's owed to us - wireless - you've got wireless, right, in your house, yes? Some of the older people going, "Of course I've got bloody wireless.
How do you think I listen to The Archers.
It's on permanently in case they declare war.
I'm not getting caught out twice.
I'm not.
Wi-fi - I mean wireless, fireless, right? When you first saw wire wire wire, you thought, look.
That is the science fiction of my childhood years available to me now in my adult years.
Thank you, thank you, oh, prove dintial universe to be alive at the time such as this - the privilege! And now within half an hour you're going, work, you bastard! Half an hour is the time between miracle and basic human rights.
We're pathetic.
You can be sat in your front room watching Hole in the Wall, right, with your laptop with every piece of information - you could possibly want in the universe is available to be beamed through the dust of your sitting room to right in front of your chops - that is a bona fide miracle.
It goes down for 40 seconds, and you go, oh, my God! This is like living in a third- world country.
I wish I was dead! Well done, Chris.
Thank you very much.
That leaves us with Micky.
Let's see what you have been left with.
And the topic is fashion.
Bound to be, wasn't it? I've returned to the vest.
It happened a couple of years ago.
I was walking through Mark's to get me pants.
You always go back to mark's.
They know.
They look at you - they go - "You've come for - you went to Next, didn't you? You got flash.
" And I saw the vests - I saw the vests, packet of sing let vests, I thought, I'm having them.
I put them in my basket.
I covered them over like pornography.
I got to the counter, I said to the woman, "Get them in the back, love.
Get them in the bag.
"".
I got home.
I shook one of these vests out, put it on, thought, that is the answer.
My wife come home, she said, "What's all this with the vests?" I said I like them.
She said, "I don't mind, but only indoors.
" For a couple of years I've worn the vests sort of in secret.
But the other day I'd had a couple of cans of beer, and I wanted a couple more, so I got up to go out, and my wife said, "Da, da, da - the vest.
".
I said, "No more.
I refuse to live a lie! I'm standing up for vest wearers all over the world.
" I marched off down the offfy.
I got two cans of Stella Artois, put one in my back pocket, cracked the other open, and I walked back from the "offy" in me vest.
I made a discovery - you drink a can of Stella and wear a vest, you get a bit of space.
LAUGHTER Well done there.
Points to Micky Flanagan.
Our next round is called answer answer -- "If This is the Answer, What's the Question?".
On the board are six categories.
Diane, which category would you like? America.
OK.
Your category is America.
The answer is, "Around 24,000".
What is the question? it, how many pictures of Pippa Middleton's arse were in the News of the World today? Is it how many people have to be in a Post Office before they open a second cashier? LAUGHTER Is it how many perfectly normal children's names there are that Gwyeneth Paltrow seems to be completely unaware of? How many monkeys were shaved to provide Rooney's hair transplant? As a bald man, you can't even say the word "hair transplant".
It's a betrayal of you and everything you stand for.
LAUGHTER Is it the number of Fathers' Day cards Ryan Giggs is going to receive - LAUGHTER Is it how many salads can you buy for the price of one in Berlin Aldi? LAUGHTER Is it - is it what ticket number would make you think, do you know, I think I might come back to this deli counter tomorrow? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is it how many missed calls Simon Cowell has from Cheryl Cole? APPLAUSE Is it how many Olympic tickets did you have to apply for to get row Z for the synchronised swimming? LAUGHTER How many times could I punch Piers Morgan in the face before it stopped being fun and I continued to do it out of a sense of duty? Is it the number of times I say what a load of bollocks when my wife is watching La Christ a candle Do you want a clue? Is it how many pages of the males have they've released from Sarah Palin? Very good.
-- e-mails.
Approximately how many pages of Sarah Palin's e-mails were released this week.
24,199 pages of the mouse have been released by the Alaska governor's office under freedom of information laws.
They date from 2006 to 2008.
What did they reveal? Quite a lot of them said, do you want to buy a Kindle for Father's Day? They are quite boring.
Females about her frustration with journalists who keep asking her whether she believes that dinosaurs co-existed with people.
Or she really needs to do is show them a poet -- picture of herself standing next to John McCain and say yes.
She has got very little grasp of history.
Sarah Palin would not work in this country.
The rednecks like her because she is quite fit with no grasp of what happened in the past.
It would be like us selecting the next prime minister, Kelly Brook, and for giving her when she said the reason Churchill was the greatest ever Britain was because he provided this country with cheap car insurance.
Are you paying too much for your car insurance? She is unbelievably dull in her private e- mails.
They are really dull.
As opposed to what she publicly does, like for example sitting on a couch covered dead bear.
She hides the boring things.
It is only to keep the crowd away.
Nature in balance.
The two of them trapped.
It is a cloud base.
It looks like the start of one of the weirdest porn movies you are ever going to watch in your life.
24,000 in 21 months, just over 1,000 per month, 50 today.
Which is about six an hour.
Welcome to Mathew! She is sending six-speed e-mails every hour.
Is that a lot? How does she time -- find time to govern? And the bears do most of it.
That is why they have to arm them.
How have exam boards let down students? By asking questions that are unanswerable.
How? They didn't have enough information in them.
Mistakes on the paper.
On one of the sports science papers it said, name.
This is an impossible maths exam, rubbish.
You only know a maths exam is impossible when you hear a voice at the back saying, this is bullshit, I'm leaving.
Trying to the river -- trying to reverse, bang.
The best answer ever was teachers It is boring to be invigilating exams and they had games they devised.
Who is the ugliest student? One of them would walk down and Stan next to who they thought was the ugliest.
And then walk back up.
They thought he was the ugliest That was possibly apocryphal but somebody coming out of a biology exam and complaining they have thrown in a physics question.
This guy was saying I know about charged particles and an eye on, but I have never heard of an onion.
We didn't exam once, in one of those big halls with different classes, and one girl had a fit because it went wrong.
Awful.
She was crying at the table really loudly and they had to get her out.
We were only an hour into a three- hour exam.
It was tough enough without this.
They put her just outside the door.
Every time somebody went to the toilet you would hear You knew the person would come back from the toilet and you'd go I don't want to hear it! Was that because the invigilator was standing outside the door next to her saying, this one! At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Diane.
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Unlikely Things To Hear On A History Documentary.
The Russians had Lemsip, the Americans had Night Nurse.
This was And it was in this humble florists Guy Fawkes' bid to blow up the Houses of Parliament failed when he realised his body was made of jumpers and his head was an old Tonight on Bruce Forsyth's History of Britain - Boadicea, to see you Horatio Nelson, one arm, one eye - a tragic example of what can happen if you fall asleep and someone Welcome to Biggest Historical Boobs Tonight I intend to find out exactly what did happen to Hitler's other ball and my search begins And on Time Team tonight we are in Stratford-on-Avon, where we've uncovered loads of monkey skeletons When Hitler started writing Mein Kampf he intended it to be a light- hearted romp called Carry On John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon - if history teaches us anything it's that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't To be honest I'm not interested in all this old nonsense really, but, um, since the end of Blackadder the It's hard to believe that this crumbling old ruin presented Of course the Bronze Age was the And now the documentary that every Channel Five commissioner has We've been digging in this field in Hampshire for three weeks and we've found this one piece of crockery which tells us we desperately need OK, the next topic is Unlikely We apologise to customers who have recently alighted at Northampton.
I Could all the people shopping here at ASDA please accept that you are Clean up required in the magazine Would the parents of the lost child please pick him up from the meeting I'd like to remind customers that our special offer this week is 100% If you'd like to upgrade to first class then you should have worked harder at school and got a better Could the small boy holding the owl stop running at the wall between Would the man on pump number four please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on pump number Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the car park with the tinted windows and the go faster stripessort your life out, mate, Er, I can't remember what the code is Er, would Mr Fire please report - please report to the kitchen.
That's Mr Out Of Control Fire please report to the kitchen before it's too late.
I don't want The train now approaching platforms 3,4 and 5, is the derailed three Would the owners of a black jaguar please move it as it's attacking This is your captain speaking - you can now turn on your mobile phones as you'll need to text your loved ones goodbye before we plummet into And the points go to Chris, Hugh That's the end of the show.
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