Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Chris Addison, Stewart Francis, Ava Vidal, Seann Walsh

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Seann Walsh, Chris Addison, Stewart Francis and Hugh Dennis.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
Here is a picture of the Prime Minister and the Deputy Prime Minister.
What does GUPC stand for? Is it girls, uniforms, patients, Clegg, the Prime Minister's favourite things.
Geneticists unveil pointless clone.
Is it Cameron ordering lunch? Is it goose, ugly fruit, fezant and a coke.
-- fezn't.
Is it gormless under achievers punish country.
Doesn't it look like Ant & Dec have just delivered a baby.
When you are there ready and it's like hurray! Gay union parade Cameron? Cameron's thinking, gloves unnecessary for prostate check.
Is it in fact genuinely unfunny photo caption? many ways they all are.
Is it in fact, Government U-turns provoke criticism? Very good.
Yes, the answer was Government U-turns provoke criticism.
This is the news that a string of U-turns, including the reversal on sentencing, have brought the coalition fresh criticism about the public and within the Tory party.
A YouGov poll has said 43% of voters fear the Government is losing its way.
What have the Government changed their minds about? The one this week is rubbish collection.
They said there would be rubbish collections once a week and now they've gone back on that.
It's going to be once a fortnight.
I've absolutely no idea why people are worried about taking your bin away twice a week because the foxes, if you riv in a city, will take them once a night.
I said to the rabbit, I should run if I were you.
I shall have your pelt for smoking A man by the name of Eric Pickles who basically said it was the right of every Englishman to have the remnants of his chicken tick that massala to be able to put them in a bin without having to wait two weeks to have them collected.
Have you seen the look of that man? That is How would he know? There we go! That is a man who has no concept of leftovers whatsoever.
you think though when he said the rem nans, he meant like the tin container -- remnants.
He would have eaten that, the bag it came in He would have eaten the receipt and the leaflet with the new menu on it and the delivery man only got away because he was on a moped.
Jies nice! Indian take away, you don't put in a bin anyway, you put it in the bag you got it in, then you put that next to the bin, you don't actually put it in the bin so it doesn't matter.
Surely it gets in the bin sooner or later.
Where does the bag go? I really need to clean my house.
Do the foxes ring your door bell and go, "can we just come in," there's a smell under the door, this place is going to be great, "leave for an hour".
It's a big advantage of a wheelie bin that you can do a U- turn in it.
And race in it.
Have you ever done that, a race in a wheelie bins? No, I haven't.
put a child in a wheelie bin.
They're quite deep.
They don't need to be seeing anything.
You can have the lids closed.
Do you even have to move, or do you just close the lid and go "here we go".
when they're sick, it's a good job they're in the bin.
We are not suggesting you put children into a wheelie bin.
Don't do it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What is it, we have had the bin.
And the nursery milk? That was another one? The nursery milk scheme went tits up.
Yes, went tits up.
What else? Sentencing.
Kenneth Clarke's had to, he was going to say if you pleaded guilty you were going to get 50% off your sentence which, it's a good thing there's no death penalty in this country because how is that going to work.
I sentence you to half death, half life and you are going to have to go and live in Leicester.
The Daily Mail readers and stuff get very upset about the fact that they're not sentencing people to long enough in prison.
I mean, you ever worked in a prison, no-one considers that.
I used to work in a prison as a prison officer for five years and it's very hard to keep those people entertained, you know.
They get bored, they cause trouble, a lot of them get into religion, which is sweet.
You know, when I had a Jehova's Witness in, I would send him round the wing knocking on everyone else's cell door.
The best part of that was watching them trying to prefend they weren't in.
-- pretend their weren't in.
And the notion of whoever the ward is is going, how am I going to keep them entertained, we have done juggling, puppet shows.
They cause a lot of trouble.
That ice why they're in there.
They get bored.
What did David Cameron announce on Father's Day? He wanted people to stigmatise run away fathers in the same way we stigmatise drunk drivers.
He said the best give his dad ever gave him was optimism.
That was a pretty disappointing Christmas.
Optimism, I said Optimus Prime! Transformer, dad! It was the timing of it, on Father's Day, is this going to be his every major hallmark card anniversary, is he going to announce, Halloween, my new policy, no tricks, just treats! He did say though, didn't he, basically his father getting up early and then coming back very late at night having done a hard day's work, was basically made a profound impression on him, and you are thinking, if you had a little David Cameron, wouldn't you spend a lot of time outside in the car smoking, waiting for his bedroom light to go off?! That's a bit harsh.
Who says that the women want them back in the first place? Has anyone even considered that.
Bad enough being in a long-term relationship, I mean, it's miserable.
Honestly, I know what I'm talking about, I have kids, it's awful and I You know, kid just want some peace sometimes.
Me and my ex were together a long time, we used to argue all the time and I was like, but if I leave him, he might actually go out there and meet somebody else and be happy.
So I stayed out of spite.
An unfair attack by David Cameron, he stigmatised the group just because you run away, take no responsibility for the child and do not see them, does not mean that you are not Mayor of London! APPLAUSE Lots of points aren't there, when children want their parents to be absent.
I mean, I love my parents very much, but for me that was when, as a teenager, they used to take a cat for a walk on a lead, we used to take the cat for a walk on the lead and it wasn't just a lead, it was a 30 foot washing line! It went over Dartmoor and everywhere, this cat.
I got so embarrassed by it that I had to walk, you know, about comments of the people coming past them, it's awful for a teenage boy to be subjected to someone going "you see those people with the cat on a lead, I think they might have just been released back into the community".
Didn't you parents have a wheelie bin? They had a wheelie bin, I spent the first six years of my life in it.
Did you still have washing on the lead? Two birds, one stone, fan it is a tuck, in fact put a bird on the lead and the cat can chase it.
And in other news, who's the power broker, the kingmaker of parking in this country? Is it NCP No, the one single individual who wields more power over parking in this country than anyone else? Boris Johnson.
it's Hugh Dennis, according to Parking Review.
That's right.
magazine, which was isn't to me anonymously features ten separate photographs of Hugh Dennis on its pages at the moment.
Yes, I did the National Parking awards.
Who wins a National Parking award?! I did best multistorey, that was in there.
Have you not done the National Parking awards? I haven't.
I didn't know this was a bonus of it, I'm going to seek out the National Parking Awards.
When you say parking, do you mean like in a car, revrsing into a slot -- reversing into a slot? Yes, right, OK.
They're the awards and Hugh handed them out? Well, I gave them all tickets, to be honest.
The points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart.
Now a round called Pippa Middleton's butt of jokes.
This involves Seann, Ava and Andy.
I launch the wheel of news and a performer will step forward and talk about the subject.
The winners is whoever I think is the funniest.
Here we go.
The first subject is Parenting.
Who wants to come in on that? Ava? It's quite difficult being a parent.
My daughter is 17 years old and she's evil and I She doesn't respect me, I don't know why.
An example, came home early one day and found her smoking on the sofa and I went, my God, you don't even have the respect for me to smoke elsewhere and she went "so" and I went "you have to be 18 to buy cigarettes, where did you get them from, I'm going to report them" and she's like "17, it's an adult".
I say when I was 17, I was at home looking after you and your brother each and every night so I was responsible.
And she's very moody as well, worried about her body image.
Came home one day, was crying her eyes out and I went, what's the matter and she went, I hate my whole life and I went, why, and she went, because I'm fat.
I went, well, yes, you are.
So, you could at least have the common decency to be jolly.
Thank you, your time is up.
OK, let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is nightclubs.
Who wants to come in on that? Seann.
I don't go nightclubing any more.
I can't do it.
I never got on with bouncers, I mean proper nightclub bouncers, you know the ones, the ones that look like a boiled egg on top of a stuffed bin bag.
Sorry, Dara.
Sorry! But they ask the stupidest questions.
Half one in the morning, I had a traffic cone on my head and he said, excuse me, mate, can you step to the side, have you been drinking? A little bit, of course I have, you idiot, it's a nightclub, it's half one in the morning, what do you think these people are doing, just walking past going, oh, let's have a look what's going on in here.
He's not letting me in, I shall become the nicest bloke I can be, please, you have a lovely head, if I knew you were going to be here, I would have brought some bed, we could have had some soldiers.
Come on, please, honestly, I'm fine, brrr, don't worry about that, it's just a hiccup with some pizza in it, it's fine.
Honestly, I had - understand you have a difficult job, a difficult job, I take my hat off to you.
Thank you very much, Seann Walsh.
OK, that leaves us with Stewart.
Let's see what you've been left with, Stewart.
Jobs.
Ever since my best friend became a mime I haven't heard from him.
Still has my leotard.
At first I didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man, but all I used to be a panto horse but I quit while I was ahead.
I work in produce which wasn't exactly rocket I used to sell dining room chairs (under-the-table) I worked in China repairing typewriters, I didn't like the job but met lots of characters.
I worked in a sweat shop, it was so so.
I started a VD clinic from scratch.
My topic is jobs, my work is over.
Very good, thank you very much.
Thank you to Ava, Andy and Seann.
Come back.
Our next round is called, if This Is The Answer, What Is The Question, Ava, what would you like? Two years, please.
How long does a kid stay cute for? Is it in 1990, how long did it take to download one boob? Is it how long before Prince William goes, is it OK if I sleep with your sister? Is it when your Olympic tickets should arrive? it in fact if George Osborne was attacked by a crocodile, how long would I be laughing for before I called the emergency services? it how does a Welshman say, two ears.
Is it how long you should wait after Eric Pickles has been in the toilet.
I'd give it two years if I were you, I'd give it two years.
Is it how long a cannibal could live off J-Lo's buttocks.
it how long would David Blaine have to be dead in a box before anyone noticed? Is it something to do with Greece? Yes.
Is it, when will it go so tits up, it may have to come out of the euro? That is right.
The question I was looking for is, how long do experts predict it will be before the euro breaks apart.
According to some financial experts, debt-ridden Greece may be forced to abandon the euro by 2013, also Ireland and Portugal are posing a threat to the economy.
Why is it under threat? Everything is going very badly, isn't it? Yes, that is it, yeah, yeah.
Souper insight there, Andy.
Do you want a Newsnight booking? Ireland are struggling, aren't they, so much that we are having to bail them out.
Apparently, we are borrowing the money at 3% and getting your lot to pay it back at 5%, so essentially we are helping you out, but we are mucking you over at the same time.
You actually are making money on the bail out you are doing for us.
We are only going to spend it on your Kit Kat anyway.
Did Ireland join the eurozone because they thought it was a boy band? This round is about Greece.
How did it become about Ireland? Greece is never allowed to fail because it had the largest natural reserve of humous, you cut that pipeline off, the whole Tory party stop having dinner parties.
Can't rely on North Sea humous, it's too oily.
If the Greeks default, what are we going to do? We can hardly send the bailiffs in, can we.
Let's face it, all the stuff that's valuable in the Greek's head, it's already in our British Museum, isn't it? people are saying is, Greece will have to get out of the euro.
Is that allowed, can you just do that if you run into financial trouble, you can just get rid of the money you want.
If my bank manager says I'm in terrible debt, can I say, sorry, mate I'm out of the pound.
If you are watching this on Dave, Greece is a country that used to exist - because these programmes run and run - is now existing in a new south Germany.
Who's been busy electing a new leader? The Al- Qaedas.
They have elect add new leader, yes.
It's a man called Ayman Al-Zawahiri.
Yes, Ayman Al- Zawahiri.
That bloke, yes.
I was afraid to get the proenunciation wrong.
Would you send out a press statement going "I've become Head of Al-Qaeda" if I had, I'd keep it quiet, basically.
It's like Ayman Al-Zawahiri is delighted to announce he's the Head of Al-Qaeda.
Delighted to bring Al-Qaeda through this difficult time.
Please ignore the dent in the middle of his head Also sent off for the one a month classics from Readers Digest.
He turned 60 on Sunday, I was reading in the Guardian, but he didn't celebrate.
I bet he didn't.
Can you think of anything more stressful than an Al-Qaeda birthday party, every time they're opening a package, argh Again! In the article I read, they said he's a cold joyless man and you thought, that was a surprise, I thought he was a happy-go-lucky wine lover who like add game of hide-and-seek.
just really bored with this whole Al-Qaeda thing, it's very exaggerated and motivates Islamophobia and it's pretty disgusting.
I was with my friend, a Muslim woman, she wears the hijab, she was telling me she gets harassed in the street.
The way people treat Muslims is disgusting.
We are standing at the taxi rank, minding our own business, this woman we don't even know just shouts across the road, oi you and she runs over and points in my friend's face and she goes, you, you say sorry for 9/11 now, say sorry for 9/11 now and I was so shocked, I just looked at my friend and I was like, oh, my God, was that you?! Which figure has taken to tweeting in the last week? Barack Obama has taken to tweeting.
He apparently has the third most followers in the world after Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber which is why the world must end! I mean, I know Justin Bieber is 16, but it seems strange there are eight-year-old kids lusting after him.
He is singing about love to people who can't possibly know anything about love.
It would be like having a 16- year-old lusting after a 32-year- old as he sung about dentures, retirement and surgical stockings.
That would be creepy and, by the way, Justin Bieber is 17 and a half.
On Twitter, we mentioned last week - I'm on Twitter, as a lot of people here are - we mentioned about the examine Virgin lator's game where they would entertain themselves by standing, you know, I'll stand next to the ugliest person in the room and just stand like that and go like that.
I forgot when telling that story that we were right in the middle of state exams in both the UK and Ireland and I received hundreds of Tweets of people going, I was in the middle of my exam today and the bloke just stood beside me.
It was really upsetting.
Then hundreds of other Tweets of invigilators going, oh, no, no, no, we play Pac-Man.
They were playing Pac-Man and someone chased him.
At the end of the roin, the points go to Ava, Andy and Seann.
-- round.
We come to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone can make their way over to the performance areas, please.
I'll read out the topics, then we'll see what the panellists come up with.
The first subject is unlikely lines from a superhero film.
Worry not, procrastination man is here.
Where is everybody? What's with all the Cat woman, what did I tell you about not shitting in next door's garden?! I am Big Society man.
Do it for you, but I would much rather you did it for yourself.
Prepare to meet a new breed of sex change superhero in the X-Men.
Yes, I do believe a man can fly, but only if he's carrying under 100m will.
-- ml.
I am parking review man.
Where's my cheque.
Wow, Iron Man, how did you get all the creases Just call the police.
Is it a bird, is it a plane, well if you don't know that, what the hell are you doing in air traffic control? use is a spider's web against me, duster man and Hoover boy? Hello! I'm Batman Begins.
I'm sexist, racist and drive like an arsehole, I am white van man! Should I do What Should I, this is part of it.
Oh, shit.
OK, next topic is unlikely things for a continuity announcer to say.
And now to upset children everywhere, it's Peppa Pig in pepper sauce.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, Nigella will be back at the same time next week.
Unnext, Ryan Giggs appears on Footballers' Wives.
Next up on Channel 4 live from Switzerland, it's Come Die With Me.
Now for a special episode of Planet Earth where six chimps will watch David Attenborough have sex.
And now is the time I have to be extremely careful because the next programme is about Roald Dahl.
Genius behind will aye Banker's choc Bollocks.
Next on the hiss History Channel, World War in colour.
Look away if you don't want to know how it ends.
To clear up confusion for the regular viewers, ITV 2 plus 1 is not the same as ITV 3.
First though, there's a serial killer on the loose.
In ball moir.
-- Balamory.
If you have been affected by some of the issues in EastEnders, they must have been acting it better than they usually do.
And now, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares You are watching the Dignitas channel.
For God's sake, don't press the red button.
Next up, it's Bargain Hunt, which is also rhyming slang for the bloke who presented it.
Rights now, Kate Humble is in the lambing shd.
-- shed.
Ohhhhh At the end of that round, the points go to, Chris, Hugh and Stewart.
That's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Chris, Addison,