Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Alun Cochrane, Micky Flanagan, Milton Jones, Zoe Lyons

language.
language.
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello and welcome to Mock the Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Dara O Briain, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Micky Flanagan, Alun Cochrane, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
We start with a round called Headliners, here's a picture Education Secretary Michael Gove engaged in important work, but what does GTOT stand for? Is he in fact making a potion because he thinks he's Harry Potter, government troubles, obliviate totallo? Is it Gaddafi's terrified of this? Is it, they realised what would the photograph, and it's simply: Gove twit on telly.
Is it what teachers will be doing on strike, gin and tonic on terrace? Is it to do with the teachers, in fact: great, tennis on telly? Tremendously cynical view of having a strike on women's semi-final day.
Has someone asked him about the weekend, and he says: go to Ostrich Town.
Where is Ostrich Town? I think we all know.
I think I know what it is.
Is it Gollum tugs over test tube? Micky, do you want to take a guess? Gove tough on teachers? That's exactly right, well done.
Yes, the was looking for was Gove, tough on teachers, this is the news that Michael Gove has called for tougher qualifications for aspiring teachers, barring those who fail tests, he also hit them on the planned walkouts, claiming they a strong moral duty not to strike and to keep schools open.
aware of the test as soon as it's bit rich coming from Michael Gove, putting literacy tests, when his whole name sounds like a grammatical error.
No, Michael gave.
Michael Gave.
Try again, gave.
I actually trained to be a teacher, for a year, and they say to you, when you sign up, this is a very serious job, don't smile before Easter.
It's sign of weakness apparently.
So I'm walking down the corridor on my first day's training and a fat kid fell over.
I'm on him like a shot, bundle! I didn't pass.
Surely the only real test of a teacher is to send them to the Middle East and if they say: I don't care who started it! Have you seen the of the questions? Like add eleven and four.
Every year you joke about A level tests, but these are ones for teachers.
Can you answer the following multiple choice question that's included in the teacher training test: is the correct word mathmatical, mathematical, mathemmatical or mathematicall? That is genuine.
Whereas obviously the correct answer should be: ex-boss of Tesco came out and said that teaching standards are not good enough.
It's basically a worry, isn't it, if we're not even producing kids who are bright enough to work in Tesco.
How hard is it to go beep? But you still get some who aren't any good at it.
I was in Tesco recently, this kid couldn't find the barcode on the packet, in the end he just went beep with his own mouth, and chucked it through.
If they are going to make it harder for teachers, they should give something back, you should be allowed to knee them again.
In the corridor, "Slow down".
I wonder you managed to last one whole year! I used to be a teacher, I found marking was a problem, but if you wrap the child in a mattress before you hit even aside from politics, I've lot of friends and family that are teachers, and they're annoying people to know, they break the year up in their way even when you don't do the same job.
They'll say, "See you at half term", and you go, I'm 36, I don't know when that is any more, give me a number and then the name of one of the 12 months, that's the system I like to work with.
had a teacher in school, he was African, his mode of punishing you, he would make you hold out your fingertips.
(African accent) out your fingertips.
No tension in the room now, is there? Get it.
Was that your racial impersonation or his racist impersonation? That's how he talked.
He would whack our fingertips with a ruler.
He was from Newcastle.
You see? Grownupses, they know a good African accent when they hear one.
Enough with the accent.
Once in the context of the story was fine.
Once you start doing Nigerian, you can't stop.
Why has strike action been taken? It's to do with pensions.
Apparently 1 in 5 people alive today are going to live to 100, that's how bad this situation is.
I'm not happy about that at all.
I'm in my late 30s and I fart when I cough, so I'm not happy about that.
I'm grateful you've not got a tickly throat at the moment.
They reckon there are 10 million people alive today who will actually live to be 100.
Britain is going to be a very different place, people going, you're old, "I'm not old, I'm 80 years old.
If you excuse me, have to get up at 6am to do my paper round, I've got a student loan to pay off".
Who is Gove calling upon to halt strike disruptions? Mums, he wants mums to go into schools.
Can you imagine? If mums went schools en masse, all the kids go on strike, wouldn't they? There's already a lot of mums in schools, they're the pupils.
There would be a lot of kids looking after other kids, it won't work as a policy at all.
There was a call from Mary Bousted of the of Teachers and Lecturers who warned: what warned: what have warned: what have we warned: what have we not been told about classrooms? Mums might press the button that makes the spikes out of the floor.
What are going to do? Everyone, eat chalk now! Do you think it could be dangerous for the mums? Kids give supply teachers a hard enough time, imagine a supply parent.
Headmaster comes along to check how the and crafts lesson is going, and sees the kids have built a small wicker man and are dancing round the outside going "burn the scab".
How insane in one day can it go? could go very insane.
School ties around their neck.
It would of the Flies all over again, but with mum.
Why not just schools? Lots of parts of the public service are on strike.
Why not mums driving tests? Or tube trains? I'd love to see mums on customs.
"mm, that's a lot of cocaine up your arse".
At the end of that round, the points go to Mann! - go to Micky, Zoe and Andy.
Now a called Novak Joke-o-vic.
This involves Milton, Zoe and Alun, so make your way to the performance area, I launch the wheel of news and wherever it stops, one of our performers must step forward talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
First it is: alternative lifestyles.
Zoe.
Alternative lifestyles.
friend of mine actually recently bought me a book on Feng Shui, I was like, Feng Shui my arse.
And by that, I don't mean move it further up my back to make my shoulders look better.
I know people do yoga for balance, but Iqbal my own body beautiful - I can balance my own body beautifully with a pint and a pie, and I take an all or nothing approach to alternative medicine.
Would you use it in an that's the test.
Do you see many herbalist ambulances, that's what I'm asking.
I've sawn my arm off.
Have you? You should wave some sage over it.
But I even think vegetarians shouldn't be allowed to squash their vegetarian food into meat based products, like burgers and bangers.
You made your choice, if you don't want the meat, you can't have the shapes.
Okay, let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is fatherhood.
I'm a dad, and I can tell you already, that child needs discipline.
I'm a dad, I like a dad, it's good fun, but I love mums as well, I'm a big fan of mums, my mum's one, and my wife's one, and lots of my friends are mums, and for a whole night quite recently, I thought I might be a mum.
I'm not, I'm a dad, but here's what happened.
My wife went out for some with some other mums, and I stayed in and had a really nice bath and glass of wine.
Yes, I had a mum's night in, brilliant night in as well, mums, I can totally see why it caught on amongst the mum community, much better than being out in a pub talking to idiots about nothing, really enjoyed it.
I got out of the bath and twisted the towel round.
I got up the next day and bought little Citroen Xsara Picasso.
But I know I sound like a cliche'd dad when I say this, but genuinely, our little boy is properly gorgeous.
He's blonde, blue eyed and really good natured and sometimes I'm walking him round to the park, holding his little hand, and I'll swept away by how beautiful he is, and I catch myself thinking, oh my God, you are so gorgeous, if anything happens to your mum, and she dies, we are going to look so attractive.
Well done Alun.
Okay, which leaving us with Milton, let's see what topic we have.
Entertainment.
I was watching blue Peter the other day.
He was a neighbour with really bad circulation.
I said to him, Peter, why don't you get a pacemaker? He said I can't even run, let alone keep up with someone.
I was watching TV the other day, and I flipped over and all I could see were the brown cushions on my sofa really close up.
You have to be careful watching television, you think to yourself, that bloke's better looking than me, a better car than me, and he's got cat called Jess.
My favourite film is the French film AND.
I think it was released over here as ET.
You have to admire people who go into the performing arts, they have to do exercises every single day for their future careers.
Bub bub bub bub bub.
E-e-e-e-.
Big issue! That's all from me, thank you.
That was Milton Jones.
The points at the end of to Alun, Hugh and Milton.
Our next round is called: if this is the answer, what is the question? the board are six categories.
Alun, which category? Sport please.
answer is: 15 minutes.
What is the question? Is it how long is it this episode will the average viewer of Mock the Week realise I'm not guy off the BT adverts? When will Greece run out of money? How long my grandmother's ashes lasted when stored next to the chocolate milk powder? Since birth, how long has Boris Johnson spent on his appearance? In fact, how long does the average British women's Wimbledon fortnight last? Is it the longest anyone should be allowed to tell you about their gap year travels at any one time? How long does it take to write the Daily Star? The gap between this have to hold Jedward's head under water just to make sure? There are actually two people in Jedward.
It's not like if you kill one, the other dies through some sort of alien symbiosis.
When he is out in the open, what is the life expectancy of Colonel Gaddafi? What's the correct answer? What's a quarter of an hour? Yes! Points over here, Dara.
That is the big news story, scientists have discovered that quarter of an hour is in fact 15 minutes.
If you have been driving for 23 hours and 45 minutes, would you be from Tulsa? Is it in fact how quickly did a lot of the Olympic sports sell out when they were put back on sale? Very good, well done Andy.
Yes, the question I was looking for was: how long did it take for the second round of Olympic tickets to sell out for the big events, this is the news that the second wave of Olympic tickets went on sale at 6am on Friday, by Friday evening 18 of the sports were sold out, by Friday evening boxing and weight lifting were sold out.
There has been a lot of hoo ha regarding the sales, I got a great e-mail the other day, I applied for some tickets, and apparently I'm now being ridden in the dressage event, so I'm happy.
The ticket debacle, you've managed to sell out the Olympics a year in advance and it's the worst thing that's happened in this country, it was a disgrace way the tickets were so popular.
woman on the TV going: the tickets have turned people into haves have nots.
I don't want to get Bertrand Russell on your arse, but by definition, you're either a have or have nots.
3D telly, kids, chlamydia, everything is a have and have not.
And just for the record: have, have not, have not.
But it was a lottery, a randomly assigned computer draw, people were getting angry, how dare us - the poor computer picked these things, "Computer didn't want to make people sad, computer picked tickets randomly, computer like all sports, computer sorry he made people unhappy.
No, computer not like diving, diving bad for computer.
Why computer talk like Hulk?" It's confusing though.
I saw a headline: 2012 ticket hopefuls disappointed, and I thought, that's not that many.
Boris Johnson wants everybody to go on public transport.
If you've spent 725 quid for the 100m finals for event that lasts 10 seconds, are you going to risk going on public transport, you are 12 seconds late, you're already watching the lap of honour.
I saw a bloke on the telly who summed up the Olympics from the east end, he went: I've been against these games from day one, I tell you why, for that whole month, I ain't going to be able to get out of my turning.
The what? The turning! He lives in a turning.
Get out of the turning, and go in the turning.
was genuinely thinking, what's a churny? What worries me most, you're sitting in the stadium, you're going to get berated by those two ridiculous mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville.
They sound like two gay antique dealers.
But one of them, brilliantly, incorporated into his uniform, his costume, he's got orange light to denote the iconic status of the London cab.
Like London cab byes absolutely embody the Olympic spirit.
"I tell what's wrong with London, too many foreigners".
I can't get out of the turning.
The turning will the blocked up.
Have you been studying Popeye? In other news, who was covered in mud last weekend? Anybody at Glastonbury.
Glastonbury is always criticised, every year they say it is very muddy, and it's too middle class.
It's like War One sponsored by John Lewis.
A tricky dilemma now, for middle class people, do you go to Glastonbury do you go to Wimbledon? And they're obviously very similar things now, because both of them feature of Brits who are out of it on day one.
I saw U2 on there, and they were terrible.
They put me off of going to concerts forever, I went to see them at Wembley.
Bono kept saying, "Come on, join in, you know this one".
"the many voices of Micky Flanagan".
He went (Irish come on, you know this one, don't you.
I'm thinking, I paid 25 quid to get in here, you're getting quarter of a million pounds, you sing the song.
I have a new found sympathy for the people of Nigeria now.
This is true, I was 16 when I first went to Glastonbury, we thought we would do the whole thing, "Let's try and buy some wacky baccy", we bought an Oxo cube, we smoked it anyway, sod it, let's a go.
Quite nice, beefy.
Did anyone go? I'd rather eat my own poo.
You possibly would have done if gone to Glastonbury.
The idea of spending - my mate said he looked down into the toilet trench there laying in the poo was the thickest pair of glasses he had ever seen in his life.
Someone had gone to Glastonbury and gone - oh cyst.
- oh Christ.
Is that Bono up there? (Irish accent) yes, it is, you know this one.
Have you found you're looking for? You go to this, don't you? Yes, I missed out this year, but I believe you and I have both been.
Yes, one 24-hour period when I went to Glastonbury.
Every year I celebrate it, I sit at home and watch it on the telly, that I am not knee deep in mud, waiting for the Dandy Warhols to play their one hit.
And making the best of it.
na, na, na.
Oh, that's that then.
don't think that was the Dandy Warhols.
I think you're trying to do Chelsea dagger there.
That's the Fratellis.
That's why you didn't enjoy it.
He was there watching the Dandy Warhols going, "I don't know any of these".
In front of them going na, na, na, na.
Play that one, play that one.
Any requests? Yes, the one that goes na, na, na, na.
"we're the wrong band, you idiot".
Michael Eavis said it was too middle class, and he blamed Kate Moss.
She smokes 80 a day, drinks vodka the bottle and comes from Croydon.
If she's middle class, Jordan is aristocracy.
The points go to Micky, Zoe and Andy.
Now we come We'd Like to See, so if everyone can make their way over performance area, I'll read out the topics and then we'll see what the panellists can come up with.
The first subject tonight is: Dear Deidre, I have recently become obsessed with a woman and begun stalking her.
Look out of the window.
My partner won't give me oral sex.
Which is really annoying, because that's the only reason I formed the coalition with him in the first place.
My wife says I feel anything.
Which is a problem, and there was something else.
Oh yes, I'm on fire.
I'm 26, my girlfriend is 36, is ten years too big an age gap? Because her daughter's 16, she's a right little sort.
I have recently met a woman who makes me feel young again.
She's 167.
Dear Deidre, I am from I am fed up of Micky Flanagan mocking my accent! Dear Auntie, I'm a very nervous person, and sudden noises really startle me, even if I hear a buzzer, a bit of wee comes out.
(buzz) my mates are all getting into drugs, but I don't know what to do.
Should I charge them mates' rates, or just normal prices? Dear Deidre, I am a control freak.
should I do? I'll tell you what I should do.
I am 96, but I'm convinced that young women fancy me.
Do I have penile dementia? I've been wanting to come and see you for a long time, but I can't get out of the turning! I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.
Could you tell us, please, how to get out of position 43 of the kama sutra? I work in the public sector, and I'm really, really really, really worried about my pension! Okay, the next topic is: Well, at two sets down, let's see what he's got in his locker.
He's not going to be there for about 20 minutes, I've got a crowbar.
Serena Williams has been seeded.
You've to admire the bravery of that bloke.
Hello, I'm Sue Barker.
You may remember my father, Chewbacca.
Well, they say that the All England Club is a bit behind the times, and that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for stealing a strawberry.
I am a tennis umpire, and gay.
And it wasn't easy to come: OUT! What a fantastic slice, but I do think England Club will insist she wears knickers again next year.
Lock off Tim! How did the umpire get up there? I think he must have used sepp latter.
This year, the British players play a lot better, if we look at this graph, we see huge biceps, and an angry - sorry, Steffi, wrong graph.
And for any of our Scottish viewers, what you see there in that glass of Pimms is fruit.
And while we're here, Andy Murray not being able to make it here today, but we have his cab driver on the other line, tell us what's occurred? "I can't get out of the turning!" And the mound has taken a real mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight.
But I think All England Club are fine with it, as long as it doesn't affect her tennis.
At the end of that round, the points go to Andy, Hugh and Milton.
And that is the end of the show, this week's winners are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Micky Flanagan.
Commiserations to Alun Cochrane, Hugh Dennis and Milton