Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Ed Byrne, Micky Flanagan, Jack Whitehall, Milton Jones

This programme contains strong Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O'Briain, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Micky Flanagan, Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Jack Whitehall.
A picture of the Communities and Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles with his boss, but what does PIBC stand for? Is it his list of priorities? Is it pies, ice-cream, burgers, communities? Perhaps pressure intense belt collapsing.
Or pickles increases to bigger cup size.
pelican impersonation bemuses Cameron? Is it what happens when one of them goes back to the Stone Age and starts investigating crime in PIBC!? Is it just simply pig What if I wrecked your world and said it's nothing to do with his waist? Are you trying to tell me it's not politician impersonates bouncy castle? Please, I'm begging, Chocolate.
Is it pickles in benefits controversy possibly? My lord, absolutely right.
Thank you very much, Hugh, well done.
Yes, the answer was Pickles in benefits controversy, the news that a letter leaked to the Observer Eric Pickles eefs office warned the Government planned changing to welfares could make up to 40,000 families homeless, 20,000 due to the proposed �500 a week cap on benefits.
It's difficult to take the man seriously.
Let's face it, Mr Pickles is not the game of a Government minister, it's the name of a cat! Do you want to make people homeless, oh, Mr Pickles! And thank you for the mouse, Mr Pickles, that's the best gift we've ever had.
The fact is that he warned the Government there would be 40,000 more homeless and nobody did anything about it because presumably in the worst case scenario they are thinking they could hollow out Eric Pickles and 40,000 people could live in there.
40,000 people, the population of Swindon will be left without their houses and I thought well, that doesn't sound that bad, Swindon's a shit hole.
Have you ever been to Swindon? Yes, went to school near there, obviously not in Swindon.
Marlborough is very different from Swindon! It's that far apart geographically, culturally 4,000 miles.
The school you went to probably has more in common with Hogwarts than Swindon.
The Conservative minister it wouldn't make people homeless, he said it might lead to individual cases of housing mobility.
Conniving tosspot he is.
It was six weeks ago the letter was sent, the e-mail.
It was in January.
It was clever because my theory was that Cameron was trying to push through the screw you policies while the Royal Wedding was going on for distraction, it was like, enjoy yourselves because you'll be sleeping on the streets soon, the price of petrol's goingen up, look at Pippa Middleton's arse, shhh.
There's very few people that Shameless did a Royal Wedding special.
I saw a benefit cheat recently, went to Glee Live at the 0 2 and that one through the wheelchair got up and danced, it was like a dream sequence and I thought, you can't do that! other news Is there other news? Amazingly there is.
What has Iain Duncan Smith been calling for this week? He's said, Iain Duncan Smith has called on British bosses to employ more British people.
The British bosses have said that they can't do that because foreign workers work much more efficiently than the British who've lost their work ethic and that's as much as I'm going to say unless I'm on double time.
And I get another tea break.
Well, as a foreigner I'll pick up the slack then, won't I?! Ed? I have a very left-wing and liberal attitude to immigration.
The only thing that comes into it though is that you go, welcome them, let them come in, then you get refused entry into a nightclub by a bouncer from Lithuania, then your attitude towards immigration turns sideways.
Every bouncer is from Eastern Europe and the bouncers, the hard-working conscientious don't watch Mock The Week, right! Then you hate yourself for the stuff you come out, lefty liberal going, what co-do you mean you won't let me in, we let you in! I read an article saying a lot of Russian women get inside this country inside a lot of other Russian women.
Eastern Europeans, they are very keen to work, aren't they? As an example, right, there was a Serbian and a Czech able to win the Wimbledon Championship in two weeks, whereas a British person with the same qualifications has been unable to do it for 75 years! You don't mind having efficient cherry pickers, but you don't want an Eastern European traffic warden, do you.
? 500 tickets this morning, I need to drink something What about when they go "ah, ah, ah, ah".
No parking ticket, no parking in this area.
Is that Dracula or Bob Dylan?! You cannot park here! Presumably the traffic warden goes "and why are you parked here?" and the driver goes "I couldn't get in".
Fast becoming We are lazy as a nation.
As I speak, my shoes are on fire.
Which wrish sportsman had a bad week? David Haye -- British sportsman.
He was sad because he came away with a broken toe and loads of bruises.
Most British blokes going to Hamburg for the weekend come away with an STI.
weird, he came as a baked potato and I didn't know it was fancy dress.
He didn't come as a boxer.
picked on him once at a comedy club, he was in the front row, I looked at him in the front row and I went "what do you do?" and he went "I'm a boxer" and I went "practise this expression "you can't come in, you are wearing trainers, you are going to need it one day" and he looked at me and I went "I'll move on".
They have to do some stupid carry on, they have a little bag and they punch it.
Is that in case you get attacked or someone ties you upside down.
They get each other riled up.
Don't get him annoyed because he's about to go into the ring and punch you.
I'd spend the pre-stuff being nice going, after the fight, let's get a pizza and watch You've Got Mail.
You've never seen boxing have you?! That one? That one, yes.
and get me.
I thought of Strictly Come Dancing there.
It's the pinser shit, oh that shift is good, defensive, not getting me! I've never been in a fight.
Do you know, I would have guessed that.
Although after this I think I might.
Jack, many ways I would describe you, but "Street" is not one of them.
The points go to Hugh, Jack and Milton.
Now a round called JK Rowling In The Aisles.
Andy, Ed and Micky, take to the floor please.
We pick a news story and talk about the subject.
The winner is whoever is the funniest.
The first subject is the Olympics.
Who wants to come in on that? Andy Parsons? Now, I don't know how you got on with getting tickets for the Olympics, there are still tickets for the Greco Roman wrestling.
Woopy doo.
There aren't so many Romans in Britain any more are there and those Greeks can't afford the tickets.
And we will have forever our first GB football team.
Yes, it will be the first time that Ryan Giggs, Ashley Cole and John Terry have got together since the last Miss World contest.
If you haven't got any tickets, go and see the Olympic road race cycling, right, it's free, yeah.
But it's not the same as proper road cycling.
Never in the Olympics to you see something going off into a ditch because there's a lorry turning left and never do you see somebody go over the handle bars because some idiot in his car's opened the door without looking in his side Mir Rory.
Never do you see somebody fall off their bike because a car's screamed past and somebody's wound down the window and shouted "boo "! Although that may happen when the Olympics come to Hackney in 2012.
Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
Let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is food.
Who wants a go at that? Milton? I went for an Italian recently.
Well, he was annoying me.
Incredible to think isn't it that every single Scotsman started off as a scotch egg.
Cold and ginger.
I was grilling some tomatoes the other day saying "who are you, where do you come from?".
I almost got into the SAS, failed on one question, they said "imagine the scenario, terrorists have taken hostages, they are holding them in an embassy, what are your preferred tactics"? I said "I like the orange ones".
I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds.
After a while I thought to myself, I wonder how long he's been dead.
When the boys in the playground found out that I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to shove me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with a bag of Revels.
That's all.
Good night! Well done, you.
Micky, your topic is culture that you've been left with.
Yeah, here we go, all right.
Thank you.
You're thinking, this man doesn't enjoy culture.
Well, you're right, I hate it.
No, I am an intellectual, I left school with nothing, went to university though later and got a degree when I was 29.
Tough speaking up in a lecture and people were thinking, blimey, the window cleaner's keen.
When I got the degree, I thought, that's it, I'll be interested in things now, it's going to be fine so I'll go back to the art galleries again.
I don't like art galleries, never quite sure how long you are supposed to look at the pictures for, they should give you a bit of guidance.
I can crack on in a gallery, I really can, three or four minutes, "boss, not bad, not bad, messed that up".
The wife's crying at a Matisse, "come on, love, there's a Wetherspoons around the corner".
But the other thing is, you've got to enjoy looking at other cities actually.
Does the City break exist? I went with the wife to Prague the other week afrd after a couple of days she said "are you enjoying yourself?" and I said "yes, just paid �15 quid for two cups of coffee, but at least we've got that bridge to walk over again, eh, cos I've never done that before" "or maybe we could go to the Castle".
Thank you very much.
The points after that round go to Andy and Micky.
Our next round is called Answer What Is The Question?.
On the board are six categories.
Milton which category would you like? Oh, sport, please.
Sport is the category, the answer is one.
What is the question? in the majority of cases, how many people does it actually take to change a light bulb? Is it, what would I give Keira Knightley? what is Obi Kenobi Kobe's middle name? Is it, if you ask one of the cast members of Geordie Shore to count to ten at what point their head would explode? Is it how many hairs does Wayne Rooney have left on his arse? Is it the average number of times a bag for life is used? Is it how many lives did my cat actually have? Is it what was Adam and Eve's postcode? Is it the number of fathers day cards Prince Is it what is on the back of the Queen's dressing gown? You're going to have to give us more of a clue.
What score do you need to get to beat someone that scored nil? the story about Nadal getting beaten by Screech from Saved by the Bell.
I think I know what it is, it's not about being world number one.
I think it's about Djokovic has only lost one match all year.
That's it, very, very good, well done, thank you very much.
That's it, yeah.
Yes, the question I was looking for was, how many matches has new Wimbledon champion, Novak Djokovic lost this year, in an incredible run of form culminating in his victory in the men's singles final, he's won 48 of the 49 matches he's played.
He's this week been named as the world's number one player.
Did you watch it? Yes, I hate tennis.
Got a real chip on my shoulder about tennis, they never came to our school asking if we wanted to be ballboys.
Probably wouldn't have lasted very long to be honest with you.
"come on, mate, want me to low tr net a little bit for you?" -- lower the net for you a little bit.
Difficult journey to get to Wimbledon actually, Underground, Overground I get annoyed by the commentary team because Boris Becker, I can take his criticism, he's won it three times, John McEnroe he's won it, but Andrew Castle pipes up going, "he's not going to win" and we were like, you went out once in the third round to a Latvian player who no-one knew.
He said he was inspired by Djokovic's victory.
That's counterintuitive because that meant that it's just one more person he's unlikely to beat.
nice seeing Murray on Centre Court though isn't it, one Scotsman in London with a roof over his head really.
The bit of technology I do like is hawk aye Yahoo!.
It's great.
To me, that sounds like a Native American chief -- Hawk-Eye.
When you go "let's ask Hawk-Eye", you expect it to go "that ball out it land like big cloud of dust like buffalo".
Is it just me then?! has been revealed this week about Sharapova? Her grunt is apparently louder than the traffic on the M25.
Surely that's just because the traffic is very rarely moving on the M25.
Yes, they ran her -- spoke to her about the rant.
The noise is like between a freight train and pneumatic drill.
It would be good if you could put 50 of them on together in your bedroom really loud.
The neighbours will be going "Christ, he's a bit near the mark next door", "oh, oh".
When you are with someone who sounds like they're hitting a tennis ball though.
A woman asked me my front door number during sex once.
Still to this day I don't know why.
I was banging away and she went "oh, Michael, what's your front door number?", that's the absolute truth.
Was she trying to figure out whether you were in your own garden? Why didn't you take her into the house? I think she was just trying to find out where I lived.
People shout out strange things during sex.
My last girlfriend said tell me I've been a bad girl and I said it and she said why and I said, "you deleted MasterChef from Sky+".
What film are we waving goodbye to this week? Harry Potter.
When is the premiere? I don't know.
You asked the question.
The story, I don't know.
It must be this week.
It's the deathly allows part two, isn't it.
Is that right? I've no idea, I don't know.
See, you don't know.
Why are you asking me? Yes, it is.
The audience know more than we do.
Neither watched them nor read them, this thing has passed me by.
I've read them all, but the Deathly Hallows was in one massive book that stretched from here to here and I read it to my son every night for six-and-a-half years.
Is it because towards the end of a writing career JK Rowling was so rich that no-one was going to go, you could probably edit that doin "oh, really, here are a million pounds for you to go away".
cast are rich as well.
Daniel Radcliffe is supposedly now worth �48 million, but unfortunately, it's all in Gringott and now the films are over, he can't get in there any more.
I haven't read any I've technically read them all! There was an interview with Daniel Radcliffe and he was talking about him being teetotal now, he was partying and drinking when he was 18, now he's already given all that up.
I asked what advice would you give to yourself as a younger man and he said "don't try to be something you are not" which is a very odd thing for an actor to say.
You know, he's not a locking wizard, you know.
Daniel radcif has �48 million in the bank apparently, but he's said it's not for fast cars and hookers -- Daniel Radcliffe.
But yes, yes it is.
What are you going to do with it?! I want to see what the next stage is because they've had them at school.
I want to see them at gap year.
I want to see Harry Potter doing his UCAS because I know even though he did all that stuff, he still would have got screwed over by UCAS, it's like you defeated the Quidditch, but you didn't do D of E so you can't come to Birmingham Polytechnic.
Everyone gets screwed over by it, yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There are some people who didn't get into their first choice universities.
He's speaking your truth, isn't he? No-one here had a clue what he just said, not a clue.
D of E, Duke of Edinburgh awards where you have to be ray sust to someone.
-- racist.
The points go to Jack, Hugh and Milton.
Now, we come to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone could make their way to the performance area.
I'll read out the topics, then we'll see what the panellists can come up with.
Here we go, the first subject is Unlikely questions from this year's exams.
Discuss the met physical meaning of the following poem.
My friend Billy Would you like this exam to be A, multiple choice, or not The Bronte sisters, shag married, push off a cliff? Discuss the following - the Nazis got all their ideas from the history channel.
Who's the chap in The A-Team who would not go on the aeroplane, was it A, B, or B, A? If a bank loses �60 billion in a six month period, using numbers that you've plucked out of thin air, work out what the Chief Executive's bonus will be? Napoleon.
A small man, or a long Quantify N in terms of Q when Q is a positive interchur that directs a parabolic curve.
How's your lucky pencil case now, eh, eh, eh?! What's the name of that round thing that they throw in the Olympics? Discus.
Is it all a bit gay? Draw diagram of the genitalia of the male elephant.
Use all 30 sheets of paper provided.
Without singing, what is the knee bone connected to? Explain the use of juxtaposition in Macbeth, alternatively, write down everything you know about Macbeth in a blind panic cos you've got no idea what the word "juxtaposition" Drama, question one.
What was it that first made you want to become a waiter? What is your PIN number? OK, the next topic is unlikely things to read on a motorway sign? For Middlesbrough, take the exit marked hell and then lose the will to live.
Accident, you were one.
Love mum and dad.
When lights flash, dogging There may be trouble ahead, prepare to face music and dance.
You are now 200 metres beyond the junction that your piece of shit satnav is telling you you are approaching now.
For those of you lacking for more safety tips, text now.
Beware, giant scissors coming towards you Turn on lights in tunnel.
They're on the right just above the entrance.
Turn off the satnav.
Use the force, Luke.
The north, where the men are real men and so are If you can taste this sign, it means you've crashed into it.
banana skin behind car now, Super Mario and Diddy Kon approaching from rear.
There was a young man from Preston who tried to drive to Heston, the sign wouldn't rhyme and he ploughed into the back of a juggernaut.
Pick us up a pint of milk teleTel, thanks, Trace.
At the end of that round, the points go to Jack, Hugh and Milton.
And that's the end of the show.