Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Nathan Caton, Micky Flanagan, Stewart Francis

This programme contains some strong Hello, welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton, Micky Flanagan, Stewart Francis, Hugh Dennis, Chris Addison.
We start as ever with Headliners.
Here's the Prime Minister speaking Here's the Prime Minister speaking recently.
What does CATL stand for? recently.
What does CATL stand for? Has he gone really street, Is it C&A totally looted? Is it a lot of the stores that were looted that Cameron has never set foot in in his life, Costcutter, Argos, Tesco's, Lidl? Is it Cameron attempts tit lunge? Samantha looks like he's dancing, Cameron attempts the lambada? Is it Cameron's a to theer, LOL.
APPLAUSE Or is it much, much more simple.
Is he going "Carrots and toms, lovely.
"Is it in fact, couldn't arrange a turd in a lavatory.
APPLAUSE Do you often find yourselves arranging turdz in a lavatory.
Well that has come out at entirely the wrong angle.
Pass me the turd wrangling implement.
The correct answer please.
Is it Cameron advocates tough love.
Thank you very much Hugh Dennis.
Yes, the answer was Cameron advocates tough love.
This is that David Cameron said those involved in the riots needed tough love as he promised to deal with the estimated 120,000 problem families.
The Prime Minister pledged to fund help for these families whilst continuing to be tough on those who have broken the law.
Now we can talk about the riots, we're off air for a number of weeks.
It's difficult to conflate the stories.
News Of The World got shut down because somebody's telephone got broken and they wents on a rampage, the staff.
They trashed London.
Because of that Gaddafi's gone.
That's the gist.
That's what happened during the summer.
What happened was the police, they shot dead a man in Tottenham.
That led to a lot of resentment in Tottenham.
And in Croydon, and in parts of Birmingham LAUGHTER And specifically in Miss Shelf ridges in Manchester.
A lot of anger at that guy.
The only way they could cope with that resentment was to take home a new pair of trainers.
It wasn't just that one issue, though.
The reporters were saying, people were saying "This is a protest.
" One rioter was asked "Why are you rioting.
" He said "Well, this is the Iraq war, isn't it.
" That was eight years ago! They looted a Tesco Metro.
The picture on the internet of this young guy posing with what he had stolen.
It was a massive bag of Tesco value basmati rice.
I'm not the coolest person in the world but I'm sure that basmati rice isn't massive on the street.
I've heard people go "Weed Crack "I've never heard someone go "Psst Basmati?" If you cut it with pilau LAUGHTER Imagine he's going to the shelves, "I've got to get some cumin man.
" On the local news website there was a girl who said "I heard they were going to smash Primark and burn it.
I didn't go in.
I'm banned from Primark.
" That's what we need, law abiding looters.
In Chiswick, one shop in Chiswick boarded themselves up, just one.
It was a snappy snaps.
They boarded themselves up, because they thought we're obviously, people are going to go "Jigsaws with children's faces on them!" Mouse mats! They put a sign up saying "Still open for business".
But why don't you take a photograph of the shop print it massively, stick it on the board and then you look like you're open for business.
George Michael would still hit it.
My favourite comments on the riots came from Hazel Blears on Sky TV.
She said she didn't know why the kids weren't in school, forgetting it was usually happening in an evening in August.
LAUGHTER Sadly missed in Government that woman, isn't she? Do you not think the punishment should fit the crime.
If you rob an electrical store like Currys, you should be fined, but pay nothing this year? LAUGHTER 24-monthly installments.
If you're looting from Currys you will get done 90 quid for the three year extended warn ti.
I was a victim of the looting.
You know Peckham is near where I live.
Not that near I've done OK.
So, but it is close enough that we could see the flames.
And the next night I went down my off license to get some cans of beer.
Shut up.
I passed four.
I thought this cannot be tolerated.
It's affecting ordinary working people now.
I just caved his windows in and took a few cans.
APPLAUSE Did you see the geezer who bent over in fronts of about 500 coppers, mooned them, not only that, pulled the checks of his cheeks apart.
All these coppers thinking I should have worked harder at school, I really should.
These coppers not looking at their truncheon going "If only I could.
" I think the tough love thing might work though.
Not the tough, but the love.
If I was a teenager who had been looting, I would stop doing whatever I was doing if there was any prospects of David Cameron coming round and loving me.
David Cameron said he wanted the police to be able to have water cannon and plastic bullets at their disposal.
They're very different things there.
I've always quite liked the idea of water cannon.
I'm sure it's painful, but it looks like it might be a bit of a laugh.
A bit like Thorpe Park extreme, without having to pay the �30.
The bloke bending down parting his arse cheeks, he could get some colonic irrigation.
APPLAUSE A lot of people will be cleaning their riot shields carefully after that.
Water cannon and rubber bullets are incredibly violet.
They're used in the north.
They're not good things though they sound like fun.
Oh, no they've taken over the bouncy castle, get out the rubber bullets.
Oh, water cannon, oh, I have a wet T-shirt, sexy time.
They have too much technology.
When I was a kid, which wasn't all that long ago.
We didn't even have phones.
We had house phones.
I couldn't go to my family and ask to use the house phone to call my friends.
My family look at me and go "Phone a friend? Phone a friend? We look like Chris Tarrant?" LAUGHTER Yeah, all right, we're having a riot.
We're going to take down the system - go away! Stop listening in on my conversation.
I hate you.
My old man would be "Come on, how long does it take to organise a bleeding riot.
Do you know how much it cost that phone?" Why has the sentencing been criticised? It's been incredibly harsh.
People have been sent away for saying there was going to be a riot.
That was ridiculous.
If that is a case that's at least four years' each for each of the Kaiser Chiefs.
As their lawyer, I would like to point out they only predicted a riot.
One young man was sentenced to 16 months in prison for looting a Boots.
That's the bad news.
The good news, what he stole was lubricant.
LAUGHTER I always like a happy ending, don't you? How bad is the sex industry now that you are the representative? You think the Kaiser Chiefs can't afford a better lawyer than you? Fair point.
OK, at the end of that round the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stuart.
Now we play a round called Rise of the planet of the Japes.
This involves Andy, Stuart and Nathan.
Make your way to the performance area please.
I launch a wheel of news, wherever it stops, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subjects.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
Here we go.
The first subject is The economy.
Now, the economy not going very well is it, apparently a lot of people are having to shop in cheaper supermarkets.
You can understand why Waitrose might want to consider their price structure.
I was in there recently, �8 for a chicken.
And what's their slogan, never knowingly undersold.
Where do they do their price compare sons? Not a supermarket -- a lot of supermarkets you can get �2 for -- two chickens for �2.
It might not be the same quality.
You could chuck six chickens away and you'd still be a chicken up.
I've done the maths for you ladies and gentlemen.
Waitrose have introduced a new own-brand range Essential.
I bet you would like to know what they regard as essential.
Cherry cheesecake.
Roast vegetable couscous, essential.
I was in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights, I only had the bare essentials Mixed leaf salad, Italian mozarella and a vanilla candle.
Praise the Lord! APPLAUSE Let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is the older generation.
Older generation, I've got a very eccentric grandma.
Recently she's been getting involved in my love life, right.
Obviously not too involved LAUGHTER She got in my bedroom going "Go on Nathan.
That's my boy.
" Whenever I go to my grandma's house she's like "You have a girlfriend?" She's very old school.
She doesn't realise the world we live in is multiactual churl.
She's like "Make sure, make sure west Indian.
There will be no white girl in my house.
" That's a problem.
I like black girls.
I like white girls.
If you have got a vagina and a Nando's loyalty card You're cool.
I don't care about skin and colour.
I like black girls, white girls.
Chocolate is delicious, tasty and sweet, but milk is good for you.
I said that to my grandma and she went "Not when you're lactose intolerant.
" APPLAUSE That leaves us with Stuart.
Let's see what topic you've been left with.
Spin the wheel.
The topic is family.
I heard that my sister's into bestiality, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
APPLAUSE Threw no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree.
He's still bitter and twisted.
My other uncle, who's missing around arm, hates the way I mock him.
APPLAUSE Doesn't like when I show off.
My older brother's an expert on ereck tile dysfunction.
He's now semi-retired.
I don't like the way my kids are always quick to blame other people.
They get their from their mom.
I get my tendency to gouch from my mum.
I got my father's eyes.
LAUGHTER I first heard my real parents were budgies, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
APPLAUSE Point sto Stuart there.
Thank you The next round is called if this is the answer, what is the question? On the board are six categories.
Nathan which would you like? I'll go for sport please.
OK.
The answer is seven.
What is the question? Erm How many coffee breaks can Usain Bolt have during the 200 metres and still win comfortably? Is it the age I was when I lost my virginity? That goes out to be Father Sharkey! Is it if he's in a hurry what does James Bond say his number is? Is it, what should never come after the word "harper" to form a girl's name? APPLAUSE It is a shocking name, Harper Seven.
It sounds like a Yorkshire bloke trying to say 7.
30.
Harper Seven.
Is it what the maximum number of legs a spider can have and still qualify for the Paralympics? Is it how many million people are hoping Beyonce's baby looks more like her and less like Jay-Z? Is it the number of times Ashley Cole's going to have to cheat on Cheryl before she finally tells him to fuck off.
Do you know the correct answer? it the number of medals Britain won at the international athletics competition in the last week? Congratulations, very good.
That's exactly right.
The answer is seven, the question I was looking for is how many medals have Great Britain and Northern Ireland win in Daegu.
Team GB bracket, plus NI closed bracket, won seven medals and finishing in sixth place in the medal table.
Due enjoy the Games? I thought it was great.
We got our medal Tali.
The worry is whether we'll get it in the Olympics.
But everyone will run faster in the Olympics.
You do when you have got a gang of teenagers chasing you.
Is it how many penises are under this desk right now? APPLAUSE I hate to disappoint you.
Why did Usain Bolt make headlines during the championships? He was working as an inturn at the -- intern at the Daily Mail.
Really? Do you really think he would be an intern? Yeah, he's the box ticked.
He false started in the 100 metres.
Why is it strange, is it a rule change? Because you obl get one false start and you're out.
The reason is they want to keep it to TV schedules to go to the advert break.
Now the choice is you either see Usain Bolt within a world record or you go and see the fat bloke doing the Compare ads.
People go on about the 100 metres.
They can run, they can run 100 metres in under ten seconds.
I can have sex in under ten seconds, where's my medal! All I get is tuts and disappointment.
It isn't the quickness of the sex, it's the fact you insist on a medal every time.
It's just because I make her stand up for the National Anthem.
Is it not because there's as many false starts.
You're only allowed one false start.
That's age, innit? We're back to the relay tomorrow.
OK, so LAUGHTER I seem to have fumbled it.
Handing over the baton's going to be nasty.
What is making a return to the classroom? School children? Yes, well specifically school children, that would be very topical.
But what are teachers now allowed to do? Punch them in the face? Hit them in the bollocks? No, they're not allowed to hurt the children.
They are allowed to separate if there's a fight for example.
They're allowed physically interact with the children.
Punch them in the face isn't specifically what they're allowed to do.
We used to have a judo teacher, he was from China Before you start this Come here, you naughty boy! He would get his hand and pull his finger back and smack you on the forehead, pinging awe cross the classroom.
This is absolutely true.
Then he would say "Now sit down you irriot.
" Your teacher was Bennie hill? You book Micky, you know what you're going to get.
You would have a red welt on your forehead.
would your school have a judo teacher? He did maths, judo, English.
Thursday afternoon, double judo? They've introduced looting now.
He was a PE teacher, who was a martial artist.
In China, I think he was top man.
What are you the karate kid? He's the mild mannered janitor in your school.
In China he was a threat to the state.
The top man in China when you were growing up was Mao se, tung.
I'm overdooing it with the accents I think.
I've embellished it for comic purposes.
I think they should bring back water boarding.
Bring back water board sning It was a tough school I went to.
Michael Gove said that there was a problem with kids today because he said most of them can't communicate.
They can't use a knife and fork.
They can't even go to the toilet.
Which makes you think he's possibly talking about the House of Lords or professional footballers still open to these children.
They say they can't use a knife and fork, they can definitely use a knife.
He was saying that young kids don't know how to sit and listen properly.
I thought he's never been on a bus between 3.
30pm and 5pm in the afternoon, when all kids do at the back of the bus and all you can hear is ( incomprehensible ) I've been to Southampton, but I've never been to Scunthorpe.
They know how to listen.
What unlikely figures are going to be teaching in the classrooms? Soldiers, ex-military.
The advantage I suppose of getting the military in school is if you have unruly pupils you can illegally render them to different school.
I understand the need to use violent, heartless bastards to terrify the kids into submission, but don't we already have Catholic schools.
APPLAUSE At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stuart.
APPLAUSE Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
If you can make your way to the performance area.
I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
Here we go.
The first subject is Unlikely lines from children's books.
Yes, it is sad, I used to be on Top Gear said Stig of the dump.
Jack do you have any more of those beans? A Stringfellow, what's a Stringfellow? A Stringfellow, didn't you know it has tanned leather skin, a massive libido, bad 80s hair and a grin like a peedyo.
APPLAUSE -- Paedo.
This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed at home.
And this little piggy went And died horribly of swine flu.
Let's learn the alphabet.
A is for adopted, like you.
B is for Basmati.
And as Eyeore put the LAUGHTER No, I don't think you should shave Bilbo, said Frodo.
Those feet need waxing.
Yes, yes grandma, what a big TV screen you've got.
Said little red riding hoodie.
Who's been sleeping in my bed, said daddy bear.
Well, said mummy bear, it's been your brother Ryan and he's a much better shag than you are.
I want to go to not nam, said Max.
That's Where the Wild Things Are.
( Tottenham) The lion, the witch and the wardrobe, or as we like to call them, the Sugababes.
Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a handsome young Prince named Dara.
LAUGHTER Where's Gaddafi? The railway children Jess tick lated wildly at the driver "You've left us behind you wanker!" Oh, dear, said postman Pat, I've just had sex with my cat Jess.
I should have gone to Specsavers.
APPLAUSE So Emily learned, if she'd have been a nicer little girl, mummy and daddy would never have got divorced.
Do you know what, said the very hungy caterpillar, this gat strik - - gastric band has changed my life.
The next topic is unlikely things for a sports commentator to say.
There's just another Grand Slam victory for Andy Murray.
And now we come to the javelin.
If you're watching in 3-D, you might want to look away now.
And here we are at the women's football, but while we're enjoying the game, spare a thought for the men at home going without dinner this evening.
Well, he's stroked that through the covers, surely it would have been easier just to pull back the duvet.
Here the British Grand Prix we've had a couple of fatalities, yes two of the crowd have died of boredom.
Lewis Hamilton is three seconds ahead, but there's trouble at turn 17, as dastardly and muttly have dug a pit.
I'm here at the green court bowls.
And I've started cutting myself.
LAUGHTER He got the right hook in.
He's got the left hook in.
He's finally finished put up those curtains! Well, welcome back after the break, you haven't missed much, just the entire Indian innings.
APPLAUSE Let's go back to Henley where Clare Balding is standing with two Cox.
There's Rio Ferdinand, what a tackle, but enough from me, I should let these lads continue getting changed.
Alex furgfurg has substituted Wayne Rooney, not the first time Rooney has been pulled off by a 69-year- old.
APPLAUSE Well, what a result, the UK Somalian has beat America's Kenyan to show that the Africans aren't going to have it all their own way.
Thanks for all those fantastic statistics there Motty, now go and get a locking life.
OK.
Points go to Micky, Nathan and Andy.
And that is the end of the show.