Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Carl Donnelly, Miles Jupp, Ava Vidal

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal, Miles Jupp Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Carl Donnelly.
We start with a round called Headliners.
Here is a picture of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, pounding the streets, recently.
What does CFIP stand for? It is just a list of things affected by the cuts, is it children, families, industry, people? Is it in fact his security code name, Charlie Foxtrot irritating PRICK? Is it chipolata found in pocket? Is it the recipe he is thinking of cooking that night? Is it Cava and figure infused partridge? Is it cops find iPhone pervert? I reckon it must be clever fellow in plimpsols? Is it clammy forehead itchy privates, what everyone finds when they are going for a job? Is it all part of a health regime, is it Chancellor finger inspects prostate.
All men of a certain age should have their prostate checked.
That is something that we at Mock The Week support! APPLAUSE.
I need the correct answer? Is it Chancellor, fleas, immense pigeon? It is more done than that.
OK, it is Chancellor faces increased pressure.
It is close enough.
That will do fine.
Well done.
Yes, I was looking for Chancellor facing increasing pressure.
This is the news that George Osborne is under scrutiny as the British economy fails to improve.
He faces calls for an implementation of banking reforms and the renew the argument over the 50 pence tax rate.
Have the bankers been let off the hook? Kind of.
It is all about them ring-fencing it is the most dangerous event at the Olympics.
LAUGHTER.
I am totally representing Britain! Basically, the gist of this, this is what I could come up for with banking reform.
There is the retailer half and the investment half.
There is one biscuit tin.
The retailer half take the biscuits from the biscuit tin and put more in.
The investment half use the biscuit tin to take the biscuits out and lure children into paedophilia.
What we are saying is that must stop.
In eighth years' time you have to buy your own biscuits.
That is the banking reform.
Eight year is too long for banking reform.
Let them do it for two years, for every day they go over that, charge them a tern and send them a letter! APPLAUSE.
The thing is, we get wound up about it, but none of us ever change banks, do we? We could easily change banks, why did you change yours? I went to Lloyds, they would not accept my passport as a form of identification.
I went in there with an Irish passport, the man said, "I don't think so .
" The showed him a visa to China, he said, no way.
I said that the Chinese government accepted it.
It is the best way to stop the bankers, to make them, every time they want to do seeing, to go through a pass word check and the question, is what is their mother's maiden name, they would never be able to answer it, they are all bastards.
It is amazing how many people's pass word in Britain, their pass word is pass word.
If you ever want to crack a code, try pass word as the first one.
Why would anybody have a pass word as the pass word.
Mine is 6791.
That is easier to remember, thank you very much.
Vince Cable is not happy with any of the eight-year time frames for anything.
He is worried he will be dead! I was merely going to say not re-elected but dead is harsh.
Why has George Osborne been dragged into the phone hacking scandal? was involved it in -- in it from the beginning! APPLAUSE.
He was formerly friends with someone who ran a prostitutiondies Beverly Hughes business.
This lady claims that she and George Osborne took cocaine together.
A claim that he denies.
He denies taking prostitute's cocaine.
He denies it.
She linked him in how? Her number was in Glenn Mulcaire, the private investigator engaged by the News of the World to listen in to everyone in the country's phone calls, it was found in his file.
This woman ran a high-class escort service and nobody asked her what she thought of the 50 pence tax rate.
So if anyone feels that there is something wrong with that, who after half an hour must feel, that they are doing this for the Government now.
Wasn't there an agency called Black Beauties.
What are you looking at me like that for? I thought you would find it more polite.
I am happy to look over at Chris.
I said it was called Black Beauties, you looked at me like I was going to confess something.
As soon as you said Black Beauties, we all slowly turned away, like the scene in Twelve Angry Men.
It is amazing what they found out with the phone hacking.
If you have something to say that is important, you don't tend to Tel Aviv on the Ansar phone.
You don't text that you have booked all of the Nazi prostitutes in uniforms that they are buried at the bottom of the garden, hope nobody finds out about this, call me back.
It is the kind of story you expect to see,, "Hugh Grant's girlfriend is on the train, she will be home in half an hour "Hugh Grant's mum says she doesn't want to talk about such things, she will put her dad on.
Sienna Miller had her phone hacked and had messages deleted.
Who cares? I mean it is not as if she missed out on Hollywood film rolls.
And Rebekah Brooks being married to Ross Kemp and she beat him up.
That is a sad day when you have to go around visiting gangs all over the world because it is safer than going home! There was another one this week? There was.
It was David Blunkett.
When they know it was him, they could tell as there was a phone answered by a dog, saying it was for Dave, mate.
Surely, you could not hack him, you could just sneak up and stand next to him! APPLAUSE.
And the amount of fake photographs of him doing cocaine.
In any social situation, take a plate and fill it with cocaine But it was mundane, people did not change the codes, the argument was it was there.
I think it is great that people do not change codes, mine is 6791.
is the year you were born, 61, followed by the year you lost your virgin ity, 91! Well, I am pleased about that, you made it slightly younger than I really am And you have had sex at least once! points go to Miles and Andy.
Now, we play a round called David wal yams Swims Through Muck.
This game, where we stop we have to have a member to step forward and talk about that subject.
The first subject is kids, who wants to go in? Ava? What kids want to wear is shocking and scary.
As a parent of a teenage daughter I must be vigilant.
My daughter was sneaking out with a long coat on, it was done up to the top.
The women laughing now are slags! Essentially, what that means is that you are going out half naked you don't want your mum to see the outfit.
I told her to open the coat.
I said there was no way in hello are leaving the house dressed like that.
It was squeezed, her body into a Lycra dress, I said, could she borrow that! But you have to be vigilant.
You have to warn your kids about the dangers out there.
I warned my daughter, she then told me she was not scared of a weirdo paedo, that shes with more likely to be sexually abused at home that is ridiculous, I don't find that girl attractive at all! LAUGHTER! APPLAUSE.
OK.
Let's spin the wheel again.
And the subject is health.
Miles? have had a recent experience of the medical profession.
My wife and I had a home birth.
If you mention the idea of a home birth to the people of an older generation, they are instantly terrified, but that is a general thing like racism and not indicating on roundabouts, but I myself I was, I have to say, nervy about the idea.
I thought is the sittingroom the safest place to have a newborn child.
I did think, though, that it would be a great community to get new carpets.
Take advantage of our home an couldn'tents policy! I waited until the head was showing, you have to be sensitive.
Then I tipped t her into the next room to get on the phone with the insurance people.
I was excited, giving the measurements, I had done them months ago, but they ask a lot of questions.
They wanted to know why my wife had attempted to give birth in every room in the house.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE.
That leaves with us Carl.
Let's spin the wheel.
The subject is marriage.
Away you I recently got married.
It is OK.
People moon about it, I think it is good.
The only downside is that I get extra guilty when I mess up.
I didn't know about this.
I learned it two weeks after I got married, I accidentally punched my wife in the face.
I am not making light of domestic violence.
She was making me a cup of tea.
It was her round.
I was sitting in the front room watching TV.
I was having a fight with a fly.
It happened forefive minutes.
It disappeared.
She came back with the teas.
You give tiv -- give it five minutes to cool.
The tea is ready to go.
She leans for a sip, I don't see that, then I spot the fly.
He is coming from the corner of the room.
I think I am playing it cool.
When he gets to there, I'm going to go PUNCH I am so in the zone.
I don't see the wife leaning into the flight path she leans in for her first sip of tea, out of know where I go PUNCH.
I punch her clean on the cheek.
She has made me a lovely cup of tea.
She is crying on the sofa.
I started crying I have punched my new wife.
It took me five minutes to calm her down to explain about the fly, to this day I just can't believe she bought it! APPLAUSE.
Our next round is called If This Is Answer What Is The Question.
On the board are six cat goirs.
Miles which category would you like? and-a-half weeks.
Is the answer how early before Wayne Rooney asks is this tapeded to my head? Is it what is the age of Lidl whisky? This whisky is from late June.
Is it how long will we all get to enjoy retirement for before we die under the new pension rules? Is it what is the amount of time before Kerry Katona earning a massive amount of money and declaring herself brunt again? -- bankrupt again.
Is it what is the previous 10,000 metre record before Mo Farah came along? Is it how long does the Queen train her Corgis to ride in a motorcycle pyramid.
Is it how long is Doctor Who's Tajer? Good space timework there.
The correct answer? Is it after what delay will easyJet give you a �50 voucher? The correct answer? it what the teacher said when the boy called Weeks got six-and-a- half Is it how long will the rugby World Cup last for? Thank you very much, Andy! Yes, the question I was looking for is what is the duration of the rugby World Cup that is currently taking place in New Zealand.
The host nation kicked off on Friday with a Tonga.
It broke up six-and-a-half weeks later.
Why so long? Because that is the amount of time it takes! There you go.
That is that issued settled.
If we could only be this clear on the issue of the economy.
Is it how much of the last five years can Charlie Sheen remember? don't get rugby.
I think rugby is a mus collar -- muscular form of golf.
The rugby World Cup posts the highest concentration of tragically oppressed homosexuality outside of the Cabinet meeting.
Have you seen the England team are playing in all black, confuetsing a lot of people, including -- which is confusing a lot of people, including the New Zealand supporters who think that their team is shit.
I think that England should do a Morris dance.
You can't just pick another team's You can't say you have disguised yoifls.
Who are you giving the ball to? It could be me it could be him.
Who knows? We are moving with the wind.
What has David Walliams achieved this week? He has swum down the Thames 150 miles although they released half a million tonnes of raw sewage into the Thames this week too.
This is not someone with a vent.
He has ended up in London swimming the them it is is very much like politics, you start at Oxford, if you can swallow nif shit you end up at Westminster! -- if you can swallow enough shit you end up at Westminster.
Well, you get to kiss a supermodel! She probably asked him to wipe his face.
She's Dutch, she is fine! What did he do on the way? He rescued a dog.
I think he has a dark secret, he is trying to overcompensate for.
I think we have not seen Matt Lucas for a while, I reckon he has killed him.
This dog, though it was supposed to have had a bad hip.
With sessions of hydrotherapy.
Did the dog want to be rescued? Maybe it was a bark for help? In other news, how is the search for Colonel Muammar Gaddafi going? We have checked under the desk, there is in sign.
My guess is that he is in Madame Tussauds posing as a Gene Simmons's waxwork.
Or weather spoons.
He could hang out there, nobody would bat an eye lid if you walked into weather spoons, there was a man in a blanket saying he killed people, no-one would bat an eye lid.
He has been spotted in Niger, Burkina Faso and my theory is he is on a bizarre inter-rail trip.
What has he left behind? Loads of stuff.
There has been a property that has become vacant in Pakistan! We have another dictator who wishs to move into your area, looking for a family size compound! favourite picture was the guy with the jet ski, like that guy, he looks thrilled.
How many opportunities does that guy have to go jet skiing? Look at me, I go jet-skiing! They found a photo album with Condoleezza Rice in.
It was probably a perspective from Black Beauties! When you rent from Black Beauties, do they do the theme tune? Is that how you see it, you rent them.
Don't forget to rewind your prostitute before you send her back! Sorry, am I taking the dignity away from prostitutes! Sorry about that.
I like the side-to-side rocking motion.
I suggest that is quite an unusual technique, but I don't know much about Ireland! APPLAUSE.
The points go to Miles, Ava and Andy.
Now, we come to scenes we would like to see, so make your way over to the performance area.
EI read the top yibs, we see what the panellists come up with.
The first subject is unlikely lines from a horror film.
You have a flat screen TV and brand new trainers? I Ne What You Did Last Summer.
Hey! I'm sorry it is just you look nothing like the photo in Match.
com! Is there anybody there? Can you hear me? Is there anybody there? This is the Chris Addison Breakfast Show! Oh, That was Mayor Boris Johnson with his official statement on the riots! Have you seen the traffic? It is a Nightmare On Elm Street! And now Alan Bennett's long-awaited re make of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the Nantwich Leaf Blower Kerfuffle! What do you want? What do you want? No, I'm not paying too much for my car insurance! I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
So I gave Mark's dinner party an eight! Do you like scary movies, Sydney? Oh, sorry, is Sydney there, please? If you don't keep up payments to your Exorcist there is a danger that your home will be repossessed.
The joke is on you, Dracula, I've got AIDS! I ate his liver with some jelly beans and a nice um bungow! I've seen The Ring.
I wish that builder would pull his trousers up! I don't have to listen to you, you are just a puppet.
If you don't shut up I'm going to put your back in your box, Mr Clegg! I'm afraid he's been bitten by George Michael.
He's turned into a Whampire.
The next topic is Commercials That Never Made It To Air.
Have you got a Wicked side? Then you're a prick.
Take two bottles into the shower, not anymore, I have a proper deal, though.
JD Sports, 2,000 looters can't be wrong! APPLAUSE.
Do you suffer from dull, lifeless hair? Don't worry, Andy Parissons will buy it off you! -- Andy Parsons.
With ABS, sat nav and air bags this may be the most advanced condom you ever buy.
How much did you say you earned for the Direct Line car insurance adverts? Well, people deserve to hear about this.
Honk, honk, honk, honk.
APPLAUSE.
Dara O'Briain, we work, so he doesn't have to! APPLAUSE.
Cash for cash.
Send us your cash in an envelope, we'll send it back minus the commission! Every year thousands of bears are captured, tortured and forced to dance in front of thousands of cheering people.
Call 0800 for tickets at hotline.
for cash, put your cremated relatives in an envelope! Got that bloated feeling? My uncle had that, he was dead in a week.
Smash for cash! Put t in marshed potato in an envelope.
Don't just book it, Thomas Cook it, Dignitas in Switzerland.
Why d do we have barbeques at low, low prices? Because the summer's been shit and no-one's bought them.
At the Dog's Trust we never put down a healthy dog, but the minute one costs it is in the Thames! you suffer from unsightly chest hair? Sharehold have gone to Pec Shavers.
Lynx come on, Virgins, wash your cocks! APPLAUSE.
OK.
At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Carl! And that's the end of the show.
This week's players were Andy