Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Milton Jones, Andi Osho, Miles Jupp

1 This programme contains some strong language.
Don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
APPLAUSE # Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Miles Jupp, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
Here's Defence Secretary Liam Fox and the Prime Minister on a recent trip, but what does FSRC stand for? Is it in fact the four words that describe the pair of them? Feckless, spineless, reckless, clueless? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No.
No, it's not.
LAUGHTER Is this Liam Fox's way of making Cameron forget the whole thing, is it, Fox Slips Rohypnol into Coffee? LAUGHTER Is it, Fiver Says the Recession Continues? LAUGHTER Is it, outside the window, Frankly Stevenage Requires Camouflage? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is it Feargal Sharkey and Richard Clayderman? I haven't got my glasses on! Is it a professional qualification? Are they both Fellows of the Society of Right Cocks? We're just going for abuse now, are we? Is it Frank Spencer and Roy Castle? - LAUGHTER - Stop not recognising them! Somebody tell him who they actually are! - OK, is it Frank Sinatra and Ray Charles? - No! It's not just two names of any random people that begin FS and RC.
- You say that - Quite simply, is it, Fox Sake, Resign, Come on?! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is itFrank Sidebottom and Rita Coolidge? - LAUGHTER - It's nottwo people! Facebook Status: Relationship's Complicated.
LAUGHTER OK Please, I'll give you a clue, F stands for Fox.
Fox Scandal Rocks Conservatives.
- Thank you very much, Hugh.
- APPLAUSE The answer I was looking for was Fox Scandal Rocks Conservatives.
Defence Secretary Liam Fox has been forced to explain his conduct following allegations that his working relationship with best friend and former flatmate Adam Werritty broke the ministerial code.
Dr Fox faces a storm over the affair and has apologised to the House.
Why is Dr Fox in trouble? He's in trouble because his best man, his best mate, has been using a card which says, "Advisor to Liam Fox.
" And you're thinking, if he was genuinely an advisor to Liam Fox, he is the worst advisor ever.
Cos his first bit of advice should be "You should be having nothing to do with me, "I'm really gonna knacker your career.
" What's his name? Adam Werritty.
It's very difficult not to say that as Adam Wew-itty! All day, I've been doing it like he's Elmer Fudd.
- "Adam Wewitty!" - LAUGHTER "Where is the Fox? I am Adam Wewitty!" He's been taking Werritty to meetings with him.
The worry is that'll spread through Government.
Imagine if David Cameron had a useless bloke that HE took to meetings with him.
LAUGHTER Wouldn't it be great if all of this had come to light because someone had gone through Fox's bins(?) LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Fox has been doing that classic thing of acting all surprised.
"There appears to have been some wrongdoing.
" He seems surprised that Werritty was there.
I'm beginning to suspect that Fox actually thought Werritty was his imaginary friend! The surprise that the rest of us can see him - "What? You can see him too? Can you see the giant rabbit? "Forget I mentioned it!" How did he explain his presence at meetings? He's meeting Sri Lankan trade delegations, and they're going, - HEAVILY ACCENTED: - "Hello, you are? And who is he?" - Are they played by Mickey Rooney(?) - They are! "Harro! We from Sri Ranka! "We don't really know what people from Sri Lanka sound like - "but this is foreign!" LAUGHTER They must have had a meeting with the Secretary of State for Defence and went, "Who this guy?" and he went, "He's a friend.
" "OK!" What did he do, sit at the end of the couch quietly? "Don't mind me, I'm Wewitty!" LAUGHTER I think that's just the noise he makes - "Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty" No, I'd imagine his catchphrase is, "I'll just be here.
" And then occasionally leaning forward and going, "Do you have another Jaffa Cake?" - LAUGHTER - The Sri Lankans going, "Jaffa Cake?" "Jaffa Cake? We no hear of Jaffa Cake!" "Strange foreign cake!" And then they go to the meeting and you can hear every time the door opens "Jaffa Cake!" LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH They're furiously Googling "Jaffa Cake"! They invent a Jaffa Cake from first principles.
"Jam? What jam?!" He's just there stuffing his face! "Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty!" We can only speculate that this is the way the meetings went.
LAUGHTER Liam Fox has set up his own investigation, at the Ministry of Defence, into his own conduct.
I hope he asks himself some pretty tough questions! He's basically got his mate from the MoD to investigate himself.
So this guy, or whoever's doing the investigation, will not be allowed to find anything wrong.
If they do, they'll wake up in Guantanamo.
Surrounded by four Asian lads from Birmingham going, "At least you know what you're in here for, "we've been here since we were five.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Where was he meeting Adam "Wewitty"? - He met Adam Werritty in places like Dubai.
- Yes.
People seem surprised that he may have embarrassed Liam Fox, but he is Liam Fox's best man.
That is what best men do.
He's just extended the best man's speech over a number of years.
Liam Fox was lucky, when he turned up at this meeting in Dubai, that in fact he was fully clothed, not handcuffed to the desk covered in foam! "Do you have any shaving foam?" "Shaving foam?!" "I have Jaffa Cake!" "Jaffa Cake, shaving foam!" He's one of those friends that just comes along, whether you want them or not.
I bet he was there on the honeymoon, with Liam Fox's wife going, "I can't do it with Adam in the room.
" "Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty!" LAUGHTER "You carry on" What he's done is take a friend to work.
That's not actually a crime, is it, Mr Truffles? What's that? Do you want to say hello to the boys and girls? "No, I'm depressed.
" - HUGH: - I don't know why LAUGHTER If you hadn't got that joke in, how long would you have kept the carrot in your pocket? It's been there since the last series.
LAUGHTER We've all got work for our best man, haven't we? Who was your best man? It was Ed Byrne, but I'm not saying that he got He's never appeared on Mock The Week, has he(?) In an independent role! He doesn't walk around as "comedian's friend"! There should be an inquiry into this, Dara.
What animal has caused tensions to rise within the Conservative Party recently? Is it a cat? It was a cat.
Yes, it was a cat.
This is the cat, with its owner Camilo Soria and Frank Trew.
Any idea why Maya was so important? This was the idea that the judge had said he could only stay in the country because he owned a cat.
He being Camilo Soria, on the left.
Turned out it was obviously a lie.
It's important to shatter that myth, otherwise in fact everybody coming into this country will be trying to buy a cat so they can stay here.
Who told the lie? - Theresa May.
- Theresa May, yes.
We have in fact ten million cats already in this country, and they kill 300 million creatures a year, including 55 million birds.
They are evil bastards.
Cats do show a level of commitment.
When we had a cat when I was a kid, this cat ate a ball of nylon string.
It was about three years old.
The string unravelled in its stomach, and came out in its poo.
Whenever it pooed, it came out like a string of sausages.
LAUGHTER I was very young, but all I can remember every morning is my dad with a pair of scissors, going LAUGHTER It went on for months! Just lifting the LAUGHTER I'll just explain, Camilo Soria is a Bolivian who fought deportation after committing a crime.
He was up for a deportation partially cos he stole from Debenhams.
That's a bit unfair - you can't get more British than stealing and looting.
- What did he steal? - He stole a porcelain cat! - He did.
- One of those ones that could wave bye-bye to him.
LAUGHTER As he left at the airport.
I used to farm cats, and let me tell you, their eggs don't taste nearly as chocolatey as they look.
The points go to Miles, Andi and Andy.
APPLAUSE Now we play a round called Quantitative Teasing.
This game involves Milton, Miles and Andi, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is our stand-up challenge.
I launch the wheel of news and, wherever it stops, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
Let's spin the wheel.
Who wants to come in on television? - I'll take that one.
- Andi.
- Very good OK.
So I get fed up with how much reality TV shows are on at the moment.
Like, The Only Way Is Essex really just did my noodle in.
The fact that they won a BAFTA.
I mean, what for - Best Foreign Language film? LAUGHTER You can imagine it - "Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
" And underneath it just says, "I'm incredulous at what you've just said.
" LAUGHTER And thank God now X Factor's moved away from the audition stages, torturing those poor people.
You watch them rock up in the early stages - "Hello, what's your name?" - "Gonorrhoea!" - LAUGHTER "And what's that you are wearing?" "It's a waistcoat I've knitted from my own pubes.
" All right, lovely.
And the weird thing about X Factor is, it's making bigger stars of the judges than the contestants.
I was watching Cheryl Cole on Piers Morgan's Life Stories.
I got really angry because I was listening to her talking about "being in Africa and my fight with malaria".
I got so angry, and then I remembered malaria's a disease, it's not the name of another toilet attendant she's been kicking the shit out of! APPLAUSE Yeah.
All I'll say is this - if she likes hitting black people so much maybe she should go out with Chris Brown, see how that works out for her! - Thank you very much, Andi! - APPLAUSE OK, let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is hospitals.
Who wants to come in? Miles.
I can understand why some people think that they're a good idea LAUGHTER I really dislike them.
I think hospitals are terrifying places to be.
I have had several general anaesthetics over the last year so I'm terrified of them.
They are grey buildings full of people who are dead, about to be, overworked, stressed out or asking for change for the car parking facilities.
I can't understand, therefore, why even today we have this thing wherethe idea that a nurse's uniform is considered sexy.
I've got no doubt that lots and lots of nurses themselves are unbelievable creatures, but the idea Yet if you wander into a sex shop, either deliberately, or you might have some sort of job that involves touring, you've constantly got to go and ask directions in places LAUGHTER People are buying nurses' uniforms as a sexy outfit.
What is sexy about a nurse's uniform? Surely a nurse's uniform just screams "hospital" at you.
Who's at home going, "Darling, could you dress up as a nurse for me tonight? "I want you to remind me of when I had a length of my bowel removed.
" LAUGHTER "Would you do that for me, would you? "Go on, put that on, act like a naughty nurse.
" A naughty nurse is one that doesn't wash their hands! LAUGHTER Perhaps smothers you with a pillow, having subtly encouraged you to alter your will.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Miles.
OK, that leaves us with Milton.
Let's spin the wheel.
It's travel.
Away you go.
Keep Britain Tidy.
Chop off Norfolk and Cornwall.
LAUGHTER People from New Zealand don't like being called Australian, do they? Oh, no! What people from Britain don't realise is it's a separate culture, there's a great big sea between the two places.
What people from New Zealand don't realise is, we in Britain don't care.
LAUGHTER I've just come back from Holland.
When I was there I was in a fish restaurant.
A bloke on the table next to me began to cough so I ignored him.
Then he began to cough a bit more so I still ignored him.
Then he began to choke really badly, so in the end I stood up and smacked him on the back.
Anyway, it turns out he was just speaking Dutch.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That works with Welsh as well.
LAUGHTER You have to admire the Dutch cos what they've done is legalise drugs, so there are far fewer people in prison.
I suppose the next step is to legalise murder.
There'll be far, far fewer people in general.
LAUGHTER Sometimes, though, it's difficult to know if you remember something or you remember the photograph of something.
My earliest memory is of being in America, standing over an air vent and my skirt billowing up LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's all! Thank you, goodnight! Well done.
Points there to Milton Jones.
Come on back! Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Andi, which category would you like? - Sport, please.
- OK, your category is sport.
The answer is What is the question? Is it, "What is the worst Earth, Wind & Fire tribute act on the circuit today?" LAUGHTER Is it, "What were the News of the World after stories about "when they hacked Snow White's phone?" LAUGHTER "Why did Gandalf go missing for so long in Lord Of The Rings?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it, "What's under this desk?" Is it, "What's under this desk and eating a carrot at the moment?" That ain't no carrot! Is it, "What are the three badges they've introduced "to stem the decline in membership at the Cubs?" LAUGHTER Is it, "What is the most common mishearing of Dutch Prime Minister Boos Blundendworf's name?" LAUGHTER Is it, "What was on the conveyor belt in The Generation Game: Too Hot For TV?" LAUGHTER Is it the contents of the best ever Kinder Egg? Is it things Ashley Cole's been sick on? AUDIENCE GROANS All based on facts, people.
Is it, "What are Carrie Fisher's main recollections "of filming Return Of The Jedi?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it, "Name three reasons cited in the recent "Krankie vs Krankie divorce case"? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it, "What were the three weirdest things that MPs tried to claim expenses for?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Anyone know what the correct answer is? Probably, "What have the England rugby team been involved with?" That is close enough.
That's absolutely fine.
APPLAUSE The question I was looking for is, "What might the England team be best remembered for after this year's Rugby World Cup?" England's campaign came to an end on Saturday when they were knocked out in the quarterfinal by France in a 19-12 defeat, that saw a number of on- and off-pitch scandals, with the team's boozy night out at a club featuring dwarf-throwing attracting widespread criticism in the press.
And unbelievably hilarious nonetheless.
It wasn't just dwarfs, it was "leprechaun night".
I feel sorry for the dwarves.
They've had it up to LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE There were problems as well cos one of them jumped off a ferry.
- Yeah, Manu Tui - Tuilagi.
- "Langi.
" - Well, there's no N in there, if you want to - That's his pronunciation of it.
- Yeah, cos you speak fluent Samoan! Samoan, I do.
LAUGHTER Hang on, why would I need to speak fluent Samoan? He's English! The thing is, he says he's English, but he is in fact Samoan, he just owns a cat.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE In other news, what might we face this winter? - Winter.
- Yes! That is genuinely the big news this week.
Apparently winter is coming this winter, and we should watch out for it.
Cos it might come as a huge surprise to people.
They're worried about this lack of solar activity cos they're saying that last year we had a very cold December, coldest for 100 years.
A lot of our airports were closed.
Whilst, in fact, the airports in Alaska and Moscow were still open.
They're saying what we should get is a heated runway.
Environmentally, that's got to be terrible, but also it'd be dangerous, wouldn't it? If they're worried about birds flying up into the engines, think about it, heated runway - there'll be cats curled up all the way along.
- The other thing we used to do with my cat - Oh, Jeez! LAUGHTER It wasn't, wait till he'd had a particularly big shit and do some skipping? My parents used to take it for a walk They used to take it for a walk on a lead, a 30-foot washing line.
Is that what he swallowed? LAUGHTER I almost dread asking this.
Where did they take him on a walk? Oh, we took it everywhere.
We took it on holiday.
It climbed Pen-y-ghent in the Yorkshire Dales.
LAUGHTER Don't forget, this is on the end of a line.
He wasn't willingly Dangling underneath you going, "Miaow! Miaow!" Was there a point when there was a washing line halfway into the cat and half out, so the cat had 15 metres, and then LAUGHTER Because they're wrong.
They do tend to be.
Why do they tend to be wrong? I don't know if you've ever typed when the telly's on.
It's distracting.
LAUGHTER They're blaming it on this voice-recognition software, and one of the examples was, "Pigs apparently like to nibble anything that comes into their sheds, including wellies.
" That's what was being said.
And it came up on screen, instead of wellies, "They like nibbling willies.
" That is nothing to do with voice-recognition software - that is somebody taking the piss in the BBC subtitle department.
The Labour leader Ed Miliband has complained he's been referred to on the subtitling as the: LAUGHTER Viewers were also surprised to see the religious leader visiting a local town was in fact: LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Ooh, call this a church? I don't think so!" CHRIS: I saw that one come up Instead of crossing himself Exactly, yeah.
LAUGHTER "Ain't no bitch becoming priest in MY church.
" APPLAUSE The most famous example was during the Queen Mother's funeral, when what should have read, "We'll now have a moment's silence for the Queen Mother" read: "Just a moment.
Just get it out of your systems! "Whoever's nearby, you get one slap.
One slap.
"It's what she would've wanted.
" Boff! They can always use the deaf subtitle-y people, signing people.
You were doing that? Signing people, who are now going "deaf sign-y people" in the corner.
- I don't think they're just doing that.
- That's deaf for "Bleh".
I don't know if there's any version of our show that goes out late with signing.
I've no idea.
Maybe YOU can tell me.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Please, please let that actually happen.
What might we be tapping our elbows Excuse me, I'll do that again.
Why might we be tapping Oh, for fuck's sake.
- LAUGHTER - You and me are through.
At the end of that round, the points go to Miles, Andi and Andy! APPLAUSE Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
Everyone make their way over to the performance area, please.
I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
Here we go.
The first subject is: "And, lo, they finally saw the sign that God had promised.
"You are now leaving Swindon.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "But when they got there, the tomb was empty.
'Rikes!', said Scoob.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Sodom and Gomorrah, twinned with Tyne and Wear.
" LAUGHTER "And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, "until eventually Moses' wife said, "'Are you going to ask for directions or what?'" LAUGHTER "And Eve did realise that she was naked and she was ashamed, "but then Gok Wan said, 'Work it, baby, you look amazing!'" APPLAUSE "Noah said, 'If it carries on raining like this, "'we'll have to eat the unicorns.
'" LAUGHTER "And Moses saw the Burning Bush and said to his wife, - "'I think you've overdone that bikini wax again.
'" - LAUGHTER APPLAUSE "And David smote Goliath! "He meant to smack him, but he was using predictive text.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Eve! Eve! "Use fig leaves! "Not nettles!" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE "And the Lord said, "'Shit, I've made a wasp!'" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE "And Jesus saw a traveller in distress and said unto him, "'Why don't you just leave Dale Farm and find somewhere else to live?'" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "And the Lord said to Gideon, "'Take this book and put it in every Travelodge.
'" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Listen, this is really awkward - I know there's a queue, "but I'm not a really big fan of fish! Eugh!" LAUGHTER "There were only five loaves and two fishes.
"Never go to Lidl on a Saturday night!" LAUGHTER OK.
The next topic, please.
Unlikely things to hear in a makeover show.
Welcome to What Not To Wear.
A welly on your cock.
LAUGHTER This week's Look Good Naked, starring Edwina Currie, is the last in the series LAUGHTER .
and was recorded shortly before Gok Wan's suicide.
LAUGHTER - PIRATE VOICE: - Well, we started off by ripping up all the decking Abandon ship! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We are going to give you back all your confidence and dignity, as soon as we hoover the fat out of your arse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Michelle has got jowls, false teeth, and, in fact, a moustache, but unfortunately, we're here to do up her front room, not her face.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE David and Jane wanted more space, so we've repossessed their house and they're living in the park.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We've pebble-dashed, replastered and put new plumbing in downstairs, and now Anne Robinson is good as new.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Welcome to 60 Minute Makeover Ooh, babe, actually, that's going to take a lot longer! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE If you want to feel better-looking and increase your self-esteem, move to Leeds.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And today on Property Ladder, we're going to show you how to break into a property using a ladder.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You're obviously sensitive about your weight and you shouldn't be.
Do you mind if I call you lard-arse? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, Ian wanted a Renaissance look, so I've just set fire to a Catholic and taken a shit out of the window.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Talking of decking, who wants to punch Nick Knowles in the face? LAUGHTER Today on 10 Years Younger, we're going to try and squeeze nine-year-old Amy back up her mother's womb.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Miles Jupp.
CHEERING Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones! CHEERING Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O'Briain, good night.