Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Milton Jones, Josh Widdicombe, Joe Wilkinson

This programme contains strong CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Joe Wilkinson, Josh Widdicombe, Milton Jones and also, Hugh Dennis, Andy Parsons and Chris Addison.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called if this is the answer, what is the question.
On the board are six categories.
Joe, which would you like? Politics, please.
Thank you very much, your category is politics.
And the answer is, 8%.
What is the question? Is Is it how much of my body isn't covered in hair? No.
No, it is not that.
in fact how much of Abu Hamza would have to be removed so as they can get him through the Heathrow metal detectors? APPLAUSE What does Mario Balotelli give every game?! What is the chance of the police responding quickly to an incident at Andrew Mitchell's house? Is it how much of Ann Robinson's face can still move? Is it what looks like an obese parent and two obese children on a Is it how many people involved with the making of the film Innocence Of The Muslims still think all publicity is good publicity? Is it what percentage of X Factor finalists haven't had a granny die? What percentage of Americans have approached Dr Dre for medical advice? What level of erection did I once try and have sex with? Do you measure like on that scale or Itage of you going out on the pull chebing your wallet before you go out, condom, from tractor -- checking.
Is it what's Nick Clegg's rating approval in his own family? Is it in deprived areas, how many lollipop ladies get licked to death? OK, what do you think? What percentage of people think they would vote for the Liberal Democrats? Yes, that's absolutely right.
No! In opinion polls what percentage of the British public say they would vote for the Liberal Democrats at the next general election.
This is the news that according to the latest figures at the start of the Lib Dem Conference, the party is the fourth most popular in the UK, Labour are in the lead with 42%, the Conservatives are in 32% with the UK Independence Party with 10%.
How unpopular is Nick Clegg? He could improve his popularity by changing his name to Colonel Gaddafi.
UKIP are now third.
Nick Clegg said he wanted to create three Party Politics didn't he and he's achieved that but sadly his part eye's not one of them.
I've done some door-to-door canvassing for the Lib Dems and it's always the same, you know, the lite comes on, people come downstairs in pajamas and people are angry.
They keep on having a go at these kind of people doing this offshore banking go, they live in Britain but they are banking in the Cayman Islands, they've got the best of both world worlds.
That's not the best of both worlds.
The best of both is banking in the Cayman Islands and living in the Cayman Islands.
It's like, "I'm banking in the Cayman Islands but I live in Roehampton".
If you leave college �25,000 in debt and you need a 20% deposit, how are you ever going to get your own home.
The average age of people getting their first home is 35.
People will soon be buying houses when they're holding the bars.
A nice old lady going up the stairs going, I love my independence! Bring a girl back to the house.
Shall we take things upstairs (mimics a stairlift) Followed by the nurse bringing them back.
is a picture of the Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell arriving by bike at work.
Sum up this picture with a phrase.
Cock on a bike.
Is it Chris Hoy Haslett himself go since the Olympics.
Chief Whip chased by giant chest chess pawn.
Is it Spielberg disappointed with the sequel to ET? Is he simply shouting "open the F -ing gate, you plebby scum".
Is he the only person that will be left in next year's Tour de France.
What is the story? Very interesting.
He has been accused of abusing, verbally, a policeman at the gates to Downing Street who wouldn't let him through and the main gates, he forced him to go through the pedestrian gates, he swore at the policeman and called him a pleb.
It's the word pleb.
It's the word whreb.
I'm sure the police officer's heard worse -- pleb.
I'm sure he didn't say to his wife, oh, my God, someone dropped the p-bomb at work today, my east have never heard such a thing.
It's the kind of thing you hear at school, like someone gives you a wedgie.
I'd take that as a compliment.
Michael Gove is presumably thinking that's a Latin word that,'s good, that's a classical education.
Mitchell said they changed the word.
I can't read out what words he said he said because he didn't tell us.
These are the people charged with protecting him.
You don't want to upset him.
Oh, yes, Ian Huntley catch Mr Mitchell as he fell from the second floor of the building! Because I didn't think he'd want me to touch him give than I'm a pleb.
As we took his body out of Downing Street, we took him through the main gate, it's what he would have wanted! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The fact that he rides a Mary Poppins bicycle It's difficult because you have got to decide who you are going to trust, a policeman or a Tory MP.
Very difficult to know which is more likely to lie to you.
A lot of Tory MPs.
So last week! Hillsborough, 23 years! That's what the joke is about.
How quick are our audience.
Are you keeping up with the papers at all?! Is that the only source you have for this.
Do you think abusing the audience helps? Yes! "oooo".
How low is your shock threshold? Yes, fucking get a grip! Fucking plebs.
It's not surprising that they abused the police though.
They're the Mitchells, always abusing the police, he's probably been down the Vic going, I did it but blood is thicker than water, Phil.
I didn't call 'em you plebs, I called 'em you slags.
You don't run the Government, you toilet.
One of the details was that he'd come from a curry house and in the Sun it was reported that he went for an Indian then to the gates of Downing Street where he let rip.
That is not what you want to hear at all.
If you don't think the gates are going to open quickly, you walk up and go (mimics fart) Mitchell says he didn't say pleb but the people who said he did were the Sun and I believe them because who else has better access to police files?! What?! The coach from the Sun? Pushed it too far now, Addison, had a go at the Sun.
At Murdochs, yes, how dare you, that poor old defenceless man?! No-one was looking at that picture going, is he going to reveal himself to be posh, I wonder? He seems to have a very odd bicycle that you cycle with both feet at At the end of that round, the points go to Hugh, Andy and Chris.
Now we play a round called, loock, it's PC Pleb.
This round involves Joe, Josh and Milton.
The first Joe, Josh and Milton.
The first topic, please.
The first topic is catering.
Anyone come in on that? Josh? I erm, my favourite place to eat is the breakfast buffet in a hotel.
At a breakfast buffet, I'll eat absolutely everything.
At home, I'll have cereal or toast for breakfast.
A breakfast buffet, I'm having cereal and toast as my starter.
In combinations you would never consider at home.
What have I got, eight hash browns, topped with some Dutch cheese actually.
And four pound of chocolate, six croissants, segments of a fruit I've never heard of and 12 of the smallest orange juices you have ever seen in your life.
I eat so much at a breakfast buffet, I'm so tired I have to go back to bed and then sleep through to my next breakfast buffet, mixing the cereals, corn corn Quorn Shreddies.
Who do people think I am? Heston Blumenthal.
In Nando's they give you the refill cup, I would be an idiot not to have a Spranta, yes.
I've got to have a Sprocafola.
What does it taste like? Utter shit! Thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's have a look at the next subject.
The topic is smoking.
Joe? Erm I've actually given up smoking which Well that's a lie.
Erm, I'll be honest with you, I'm one of those pricks that says they've given up and then goes to the pub and smokes yours.
Cos when I was a proper smoker, I hated pricks like that.
You know, someone comes up to you and goes, swu got a spare cigarette, I would go, no, because unfortunately, I'm addicted to 'em which means I pretty much take a shine toe all of 'em.
Have you got a spare cigarette, yes, I do weirdly because I'm a 19-a-day man, weirdly enough, myself.
Go away, you knobhead.
Warnings do nothing for me, they're quite drastic things "smoking kills".
So?! All that horrible picture things.
Bloody hell.
I've come up with a couple of ideas to get people to stop smoking.
Only ideas.
You could put a warning on cigarette pacts that says, one of these fags has been up a dog's arse.
-- packets.
Yes, I think that would separate the men from the boys.
Or, simply make cigarettes cock-shaped.
Thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So that leaves Milton.
Let's see That last bloke was a bit weird, wasn't he?! Anyway, I went back to my old school the other day, first time in 30 year, I took a note.
LAUGHTER Teacher said, so, Jones, what have you done with your life?.
I said I'm Britain's top Ofsted inspector.
He was nicer to me after that.
There for the funeral of my old science teacher.
He asked me to say a few words so I did.
Method.
Put the coffin in the crematorium.
LAUGHTER Observations.
We burn with an orangey bright flame.
LAUGHTER Conclusion - no more homework.
LAUGHTER Next round is called headliners, here is a picture of the American presidential candidate, but what does this stand for? Frankster removes Romney's teeth? There's nothing there, is there? Looking at Obama's ears, President really resembles trophy.
Obama saying, PRRT, seven letters, Belgian deDefence Secretaryive.
-- Belgian detective.
Is it public reaction reaches tepid.
Is it in a Yorkshire accent, politicians right rubbish, tut.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The correct answer? President reads Radio Times? Not President reads Radio Times! Is it presidential race remains tight? Well done.
Yes, presidential race remains tight.
With less than seven weeks to go, the race to win the presidency of the US race is hotting up.
President Obama and Mitt Romney are still close, despite Mitt Romney completing a series of gaffes.
think I preferred Romney in Only Fools And Horses.
You plonker.
got the Republican nomination this year but four years ago he lost out to John McCain, John McCain lost out eight years previously to George W Bush.
So you're thinking, how poor are the Republicans at the moment that the best person they can find is somebody who wasn't quite as good as the bloke who wasn't quite as good who is George W Bush? APPLAUSE McCain doesn't like any of that, he's got a real chip on his shoulder.
This time around, he's only the best of a bad bunch.
There's newt gring rich who he beat to the nomination, -- Newt Beginningrich.
He would have been the first -- Newt Gingrich.
He would have been the first President to use his porn name.
Accused of making himself look dark tore appeal to the Latino community.
I thought it went far when he was shaking that rack kas.
aeroplane gaffe, did you hear about that? Yes.
-- Maraccas.
Was it his wife wanted to smoke on an aeroplane? No, his wife's plane was forced to make an emergency landing because of fire, that's not the going, but it lives, the flame lives.
It would be a gaffe.
At the convention, it would be like, stop, stop, stop.
(blowing flame out) Constantly patting out flames.
was on a plane, had to make an emergency landing because of fire.
He said it's a huge relief to have her here.
When you have fire in an aircraft, there's no place to go.
You can't find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft because the windows don't open.
I don't know why they do that, I would like to get a bit more air into the plane where the fire is! I don't know what worries me more, that he doesn't understand how air planes work or that he doesn't understand how FIRE works.
suggested they use the petrol to put out the fire! Douse her in petrol, that'll keep her quiet for a while.
All newspapers, all newspapers.
Pass your in-flight magazines.
Smother it in shavings of mud.
It seems to be getting bigger! Did he not also say of his wife that he wasn't using her very much on the election campaign in case he got tired of her? Yes, he did say that.
She said in an interview, I think that's really unfair, I don't see why anybody would get annoyed with me.
He lives, it's beautiful.
Hold your tie out.
Hold your tie out.
Mitt Romney is like a New York muppet.
She's got a rot coming off her hand like that "hello, I'm Ann Romney.
You should vote for my husband and he'll make all of the windows roll down ".
In other news, who are arming themselves with rifles and pots of Nutella? Is it the Loose Women? Not Loose Women.
The people that are killing the badgers.
I sounded more sad than I was about that.
It's the people who're killing the badgers "why, mummy, are the people killing the badgers" (mimics a child) You are the young comic on the show.
No need to make yourself sound like an eight-year-old child.
Why is the nasty man killing the furry animal.
They apparently give cows TB.
Cows, badgers, badgers, cows, that may be too black-and-white! APPLAUSE Hugh Dennis! Black-and-white now and it will be black white and read all over! Is that because of the pun or because of the poor badgers.
I can't work your moods out.
Brian May's against the badger cull.
You can see why.
He's only got to walk through the countryside without somebody trying to shoot his hair off.
What is the name of his organisation? Queen.
Queen, yes.
Anyone know what it's called? Badger.
Whose initials spell TB.
Joy Josh has got the badge.
A big T and a big B and people are going" That's actually the problem".
He owns the world's largest badger according to that picture.
A badger of destiny! That badger, he goes, I'm above such tiny considerations.
I see far into the future.
I see a land where badgers and man can find me.
He also appears to be on a Zimmer frame in that photograph so things are not good for Brian.
I brought my first doctor home and I shall fill it with badgers, including the giant one.
They want to kill 3,000 don't they.
I was just wondering what they are going to do with them afterwards because I'm a sort of part-time taxidermist.
I really fancy having a Badger Army.
I would love to think of you buried with your wp badger Army.
If you are -- your Badger Army.
All doing separate poses.
Particularly if you were enbalmed in Nutella.
If you cull too many badgers, you will just force them underground anyway.
What celebrity stepped into it? Clarissa Dickson Wright.
Do you know what she said.
She said (gobbledegook) The winners of that round are Hugh, Andy and Chris.
Now scenes we'd like to see.
If everyone can make their ways over to the performance area.
I'll read the topics and we'll see what the panel can come up with.
The first subject is: Unlikely things to hear in a news programme.
A tornado's struck the East Coast of America carrying everything with it.
Let's go over to our Washington correspondent.
In Hawaii.
Welcome to Sky News.
At the moment, the Sky is blue.
APPLAUSE After years of searching, the police say that they are now close to finding who let the dogs out.
They have new leads.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, now, let's go over to the news in the shitty place you live.
Scientists have inject add human embryo with Marmite.
A woman gave birth to twiglets.
Continuing our major story about news organisations hacking people, let's read a few of your e-mails.
More on that volcanic eruption in Iceland.
Two of the aisles have closed, one of the tills is out of order.
This is the world's most literal reporter saying, back to the studio.
And now, over to Sue with the weather.
I've had her Our main story, autocue workers complaining Art willy fart off to the beach, you might see some tits.
Let's hope it's a hot one.
Oh, no, it's Rob McElwee.
And finally, I'm in the Hague which must be very uncomfortable for him.
Quick look at the weather now.
APPLAUSE OK, the next topic is: Unlikely things to read on a medical label.
Use only if you are immobile or find it difficult to move.
Tested on Dara O'Briain.
In an emergency, shove the bottle of medicine up your arse.
As recommended by Michael Jackson.
Chlorobenzoate for the aenueffluence of the trichordic aorta.
Does exactly what it says on the tin.
Groin cream - not suitable for people with a nut allergy.
Home you pathic tablets, side effects none, main effects none.
Embarrassed use Anusol.
Why not try this - Arse Crack Soothe.
Do not eat dairy, otherwise we'll have nowhere to milk the cows.
Viagra - it will give you more than Contains sprocksprock and ditetramethyl.
Viagra, take before shag or if single strap up for the wank of a lifetime.
Don't eat the bottle chubby.
Keep out of reach of children.
Not the tablets, you! Stor somewhere cool like New York.
Pregnancy test - pick up your daughter's boyfriend and shout "was it you?!" The points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
And that's the end of the show.