Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Ed Byrne, Matt Forde, Milton Jones, Zoe Lyons, Josh Widdicombe

1 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # Don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it # News of the world # News of the world # Read all about it # Read all about it # News of the world News of the world.
APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Josh Widdicombe, Zoe Lyons and Matt Forde.
Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
APPLAUSE We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Matt, which category would you like? - World News, please.
- OK, World News it is.
The answer is What is the question? Is it the three middle names of Princess Charlotte? Is it what three things might a Greek keep in a chicken? Is it what do gangsters play instead of rock, paper, scissors? Is it what three things are keeping Keith Richards alive? Is it what in the Sound of Music, are the von Trapp family's real favourite things? What are the three characters called on a packet of Colombian Rice Krispies? Is it what three things are we being paid in this evening? All together in one big bucket.
What will the motto be for the Qatar World Cup? APPLAUSE Is it complete the song Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew? - That probably scans.
- It would be a much better song, wouldn't it? What are the three main aisles in a Bolivian Waitrose? You know that tattoo you got that you think says peace, love and harmony? APPLAUSE Is it to do with Greece? It is to do with Greece.
What three things are they warning Greece are about to run out of? - Very good.
Thank you, Ed Byrne.
- APPLAUSE The question I was looking for is what items are at risk of running out in Greece after Sunday's crucial vote on the EU's bailout terms? This is the news that 61% of the Greek population voted against accepting the strict austerity measures proposed by the EU.
There is now a real risk the country will run out of money, fuel and medicine.
- So what does this all mean for Greece? - It's ridiculous now.
The whole thing is like a soap opera.
I don't watch the Eurozone crisis day to day.
I wait till Sunday and watch the omnibus.
This thing of referring to the Greek exit as Grexit.
It's like are you in that much of a hurry that you couldn't say a third syllable? If the British exit happens it's going to be called Brixit.
Sounds like a cheap form of Lego or what the Greek Prime Minister does every time he meets Angela Merkel.
APPLAUSE I didn't know you could reject bank's demands.
If I had known that my whole life would have been different.
If I had been able to go to the bank and go, "Well, I do owe you ten grand but I really like my lifestyle.
" It could be a misselling scandal.
As far as I'm aware Greece was never made to sign that box that says, "Your home is at risk if you do not keep up the repayments.
" You think they're waiting for the PPI? That's the one thing that will bail them out.
Apparently the Greek government have admitted that living in their past is their Achilles heel.
MUTED LAUGHTER No-one was expecting that reaction, were they? Oxi they went.
Oxi to that.
I think it's a case that if they want to bail themselves out they have to invoke copyright law on all the stuff they invented some time ago now.
But that they definitely invented, like democracy, triangles and gays.
- Philosophy, as well.
Birthplace of philosophy, isn't it? - Or was it? APPLAUSE There's a professional philosopher at home going, "That's not what philosophy is.
" It's not just going, "Or is it?" I think there's a lot of opportunities in Greece.
I'm going to start a band called Cash Machine because people would be queueing around the block.
But we've been told if we go on holiday to Greece that we should take lots and lots of money with us.
- Yes.
- To rub it in? I think it's to pay your kidnappers.
There's a ploy behind telling tourists to bring as much cash as possible.
Cos they know there will be a load of overweight, old British tourists with massive bum bags of cash round the front.
They're basically just sitting human ATM machines.
That's all they are.
The muggers line up behind the tourists while one of them says, "No, 60 euros each.
That is the limit "for mugging these people.
That's it.
" Someone started a crowdfunding for Greece and it's got less than the Crystal Maze.
Because people would prefer to go to the Aztec Zone than Athens.
That is a fact.
If I said to you, "I can take you to the Aztec Zone or Athens?" - You'd be in there like a whippet, Dara.
- I will choose a mind puzzle.
I am already wondering which little square I'm going to go into.
In there like a whippet? I've known him for a long time, Dara has never done anything like a whippet.
Particularly harsh.
APPLAUSE You've never seen him shit in a park.
I think you'll find I am not He does it like a Great Dane.
The way he locks eyes with you.
This is for you.
This is for you, Byrne.
I'm glad we've dealt with Greece.
Has anybody noticed Dara's eye, by the way? Is it off-putting? Do you think the people at home would be concerned? - What has happened? - It's a little sty.
It got infected.
Is that really it? - No, it's a - Has Brian Cox been beating you again? Look into the telescope.
Look hard into the telescope.
He bruised my eye ramming it in.
That will hurt you.
That's my good eye, Brian! He's trying to turn you into Patrick Moore.
APPLAUSE They gave me an eye patch.
This will be much more subtle.
If I'm sat here If I presented the entire show like that because I've got a tiny infection in my eye.
To be fair, I have a secret desire to have an eye patch.
I don't want to ever lose an eye.
That's not how much I want to have an eye patch.
But I think they're cool.
Something massively impressive because a guy with an eye patch, shit has happened.
Also, you can do this.
Sexy! The final part of undressing in a sexy way would be to - take off the eye patch and thwack.
- You could take my eye out.
In other news, what do doctors want us to stop using? Their waiting rooms to sleep in.
People taking helium and enjoying it and they speak very highly.
APPLAUSE Bizarrely, that's correct.
HIGH-PITCHED: It's a finite resource and it's needed for MRI scanners.
And whatnot.
It's being used up on fripperies like balloons.
- Squeaky voices.
- I'm doing this one without it.
They're worried that instead of helium in balloons they will start using nitrous oxide in balloons but it is laughing gas.
So then they have to worry that kids will get high on their balloons, if we end up having to do party balloons with nitrous oxide.
If you're worried about kids getting high on nitrous oxide balloons, you can surely get high on a helium balloon just by holding on to it.
I was doing a gig at Bestival and you can hear when people are taking nitrous you can hear it cos there's an audible HE HISSES Cos they do it into a balloon and into their mouth to give themselves a giggle.
People were doing it at my gig.
That's quite a cruel heckle.
"I'm going to need something to get through this.
" Is it not true that you deliver one of your trademark jokes - and the crowd goes - INHALES I found out those canisters they suck it from are called whippets.
The little canisters of nitrous oxide.
Somebody said to me, "The kids are sucking whippets in the park.
" I was like, "Oh, my God, do I need to call the RSPCA?" How do scientists think the universe will end? Spoiler alert.
APPLAUSE - There's a thing called The Big Rip.
- Yes.
The universe is sort of accelerating so fast, and getting faster and faster, - that eventually it'll just rip itself apart.
- Yeah.
Is that right? And that'll be the end.
They say, how do scientists now think - what other nonsense have scientists just made up? - Ha, ha! - What MIGHT happen 20 billion years from now, when no-one's around to say, "Oh, you got that one wrong.
" It's just nonsense that HIS mate Brian natters on about to keep himself siphoning BBC funds - into his big fat bank account.
- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Me and Brian on the astronomy gravy train! With all those millionaire "Ahh! "Making it rain! "Look at the big bang now, bitches!" What will happen, though - they're saying this might happen in 22 billion years - you can guarantee it'll be the day that the Greeks do pay back the last cent that they owe.
- Finally! - ".
.
and ten cents!" It's called the big rip - everything's going to continue to accelerate faster and faster until the whole thing just comes apart.
It's actually an extension of The Big Freeze - - it's either that or The Big Crunch.
- Are they all the same thing? No - The Big Freeze would happen first, and then possibly The Big Rip after that.
- And when is Big Yellow Storage? - That is, er just off the M4 in Hounslow.
And then there's The Big Ins, where the whole universe just goes into panto for the rest of its life.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER - Biggins.
- Christopher.
- Oh, Biggins! Wow, that was too long a journey for me.
There was a leap, there.
I agree with that.
- I - Tell me that joke again - I've got some HE SNORTS Oh, no! Now they're going to have to broadcast my bad joke for your good joke to work! - That's the worst thing that can happen to a comedian! - Aww.
You pick on Brian Cox, you pick on me, right? That's the way this works, my friend.
At the end of that round, the points go to Matt, Zoe and Josh! APPLAUSE Now we play a round called Greased Frightenin'! Oh, dear.
This game involves Zoe and Milton, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please? This round's a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
OK.
Let's spin the wheel for our first topic.
And the topic is Exercise.
We all know we need to do more exercise - I mean, we've now got the fattest kids in Europe.
I'm not going to make fun out of obese children - I've learnt not to do that.
They will come down on you like a tonne of bricks.
I didn't like exercising as a kid - when I was a kid, I was made to go swimming in a pool that had a verruca pool before you got into it.
The verruca pool - do you remember the verruca pool? They actually CALLED it "the verruca pool".
You can't encourage children to walk in something called the verruca pool - it's like offering somebody the use of your chlamydia flannel, isn't it? I mean, I try and exercise a bit more now - I've started doing yoga, cos apparently it increases your flexibility and spirituality, and I've got to be honest, it's pretty good.
I'm now so good at the downward-facing dog, I have on occasion caught glimpses of my own third eye.
I actually did a half marathon, though, a few months ago - it was pretty good, you know? Idon't be overly impressed, which you're clearly not.
But, um I only finished yesterday, so there's clearly a lot of work to be done.
I did the run for charity - I know a lot of people are doing things for charity.
You can't just exercise, now, can you? You've gotta do it for a good cause, and I get a lot of those e-mails - I know we all do - "Will you sponsor me? Will you sponsor me?" I'm like, "What are you doing?" "I'm flip-flopping up Kilimanjaro for diarrhoea.
" "I'm pogoing across the Arctic for trapped wind.
" "Are you? Don't do that.
" I mean, the last London Marathon, it cost me an absolute fortune, cos I sponsored loads of friends.
I gave one friend 20 quid cos he was doing it for Cancer Research, another friend 20 quid cos he was doing it for heart disease, another one 20 quid cos he was doing it for diabetes - in the end, it was actually cheaper for me to join Bupa.
Thank you, Zoe.
OK, that leaves us with Milton.
Let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
And the subject is Work.
I didn't think I'd get a loan from the bank for my knitting business, but when I turned up actually wearing one of the balaclavas I used to be a weatherman.
In fact, does anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure.
If there'd been a mix-up, my uncle could've ended up as an ex-President of the United States.
He's an undertaker in the army - or barrack embalmer.
APPLAUSE Soldiers, of course, very emotionally repressed.
Sometimes you see one of them go into the middle of a parade ground and shout, "Attention!" What he needs is a hug.
Well, that's what I thought My dad, he was a soldier, so, of course, as a family, we were always moving around a lot - cos he used to use us for target practice.
Six hours I had to wait in the other day for the electrician, till he opened the cupboard under the stairs, and I was able to leap out at him.
I remember when I was a policeman - I was asked to seal off an area, and I went HE BARKS - That's all from me, thank you! - Thank you very much! Points, there, for Milton Jones.
Come on back.
APPLAUSE OK, the next round is called Picture of the Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So, what's going on here? Have they unveiled the banker on Deal Or No Deal? That's George Osborne delivering the budget surrounded by all his friends.
Is it "Mr Bean sets off on a picnic"? Is the caption quite simply, "Osborne's trousers too short"? Or is he delighted that the front door doubles as a pause button? Is it George Osborne with his budget box, and he's delivering the budget this week? Yes, it is.
Thank you very much, Josh.
I think he - cos it is like the box from Deal Or No Deal, I think it would be a lot more if he did the budget like that.
So, he goes to the opposition leader, "I'm going to cut two billion in disability benefit.
"Or, you can have the cut that is in this box.
"Deal or no deal?" He could have a phone ringing next to him.
- Oh! - That'd be bloody Brussels, I imagine, wouldn't it, Dara? - Yeah! - The way things are going.
Yeah - they make all the decisions around here! Urgh! Bloody - murgh! - Yeah.
- Yeah! Yeah.
This show's taken a lurch to the right.
Every budget in my lifetime has unravelled in the weeks afterward.
So, they get the one big hit, everyone says, "Oh, actually, this sounds all right," and then it unravels.
If you're going to lie in the first place, go triple large on it.
Turn up in the Commons and say, "You know what? "We've nailed it.
We are allmillionaires! "That's right! No-one's skint any more, and we've solved poverty.
" And then at least have one day where people go, "Osborne is a genius.
" Just have the one day where you feel like a legend.
I think that's where Greece went wrong, though, isn't it? APPLAUSE In sporting news, who has been causing upset at this year's Wimbledon? Oh, it's that naughty little Australian man.
There was a naughty little Australian man.
Yes, there was.
- Not Rolf Harris? - No, not him! That would be genuinely disturbing.
"Wikka-wokka-wikka-wokka.
" You can hear him coming now.
"Wikka-wokka-wikka-wokka.
" He's already been caught in the net.
There've been a load of Aussie fanatical fans in the stands, who've been making loads of noise - and according to that picture, - Boris Johnson has just joined in the antics as well.
- Yes! The big question about them is, how do they get so many tickets? - Yes! - It's impossible, isn't it? They're all working in the bar, and that's their break.
They support Nick Kyrgios, don't they? - They're called The Fanatics, aren't they? - Yeah.
And they come in, and they specifically support him.
But he absolutely splits opinion, so in the Australian newspaper this week there was a headline that went, "Nick Kyrgios - breath of fresh air, "or a total dickhead?" What has outraged villagers in the Forest of Dean? A swinging festival.
There was a swinging festival.
Do you know what it was called? - Swingfields.
- Swingfields 2015 took place.
Yeah, but they had to call it that.
It was either that or Creamfields.
Look at your little face! Which is what they'll end up with, isn't it? I mean, it'll be the only festival you need wellies even if it isn't raining.
There was a quote from a local, a concerned local, saying that they'd found somebody trying to sneak into the festival through their back garden.
And they said, "This is unacceptable, "we're very concerned about who'll come onto our land.
" Not me - that's a genuine quote! Did you see, one of the locals complained that the music was too loud? Surely you don't tell them to turn the music down - that is far worse! It was £165 for the festival, for the entire weekend, and they're promised a themed zone, a sauna, a hot tub - I'd use that on a Friday afternoon and then let it go.
And I was just imagining a field with a massive bowl of keys in the middle, that's how I was imagining it.
It's the only festival where the car parks are busier than the fields.
It's revolting.
I don't even use the toilets at festivals.
The thought of using after the other festivalgoers is just I'd insist it was someone with a day ticket, I think, if I was to go.
How do they not call it Ass-tonbury? Do you know what? My vote was for Twatitude.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And in fact, the most popular queue was for the pulled pork stand.
Oh! Come along.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
I've taken some various elements and brought them together in that joke.
- Put it on again.
- Put it on again? The eye patch, yeah.
Put it on again.
Go on, go on.
"Oh, you looked funny.
You looked funny.
"Do the thing where you looked funny again.
" You know when we made you look like the guy off the back of a fucking bus and for three years, everyone sends you photographs of a cartoon man on the back of the bus, every day on Twitter.
"Hey, Dara.
I saw you in Manchester today.
" "Huh?" Click.
"Oh, bollocks! That man on the back of a bus again.
" Do that with an eye patch and then for years, every eye patch person in the universe, I will get sent him on Twitter.
Happy? There.
I think on my nose, is that all right? Is that all right? On my nose.
Oh, wow, it looks like I'm wearing a G string.
Marketing people are clever.
That bloke on the back of a Megabus is going to have an eye patch by next week.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now we've come to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Embarrassing, humiliating, bringing shame on the sport.
Welcome to Wimbledon 2Day with me, Clare Balding.
And it all comes to this.
After years of training and preparation, I'm commentating on the poxy water polo.
Mo Farah has apologised for his association with substances that the British public regard as abhorrent and has said he will never advertise Quorn again.
Welcome back to the golf where Tiger Woods apparently travels with two inflatable sex dolls now in case he gets a hole in one.
And he's found a chocolate biscuit down the back of the sofa but he's not going to celebrate, because it's his old Club.
And he's resting two balls on the cushion there, which is why he won't be allowed back into IKEA.
And he pops the cork and he's spraying everyone with champagne.
Welcome to the first Conservative budget since 1996.
Here we are at the Crucible all burning to death! Arghhh! Well, that was the speed skating and now crack cocaine curling.
The American and the Russian are out in front and here comes the fin.
Yes, there're going to swim a lot faster now the shark is chasing them.
And so they've brought up a curtain around the horse that fell earlier, but no, we've got good news.
He's moved to a farm in the countryside.
Well, here we are at the Rugby League.
It's tough men, it's better than Rugby Union and, at the same time, ever so slightly more gay.
And this decision is going to a touch judge and yes, it's sexual harassment.
Well, this is his third attempt with the bar at this height.
Nope, still can't get served.
And here come the two Red Bulls, which is what you will need to keep yourself awake during Formula One.
I'm joined here by Balding, or Alan Shearer as he likes to be known.
Raikkonen now on super-soft, the Viagra simply not working.
And if you want to find out what this function key on the keyboard does, join us after the break on F1.
And after the break, join me, Clare Balding, presenting everything.
I present everything now.
Everything is mine.
Everything.
OK.
The next topic is There's something about eating food that's come from your own garden.
This is quite a hearty stew I've made out of a squirrel I shot with an air rifle.
Well, to answer your question, I tend to keep mine on a hose reel but then, I'm very lucky down there.
These pine trees smell suspiciously of air freshener.
My advice would be don't splash out on expensive gnomes.
Do what I do and just simply varnish some small children I found playing in the park.
I called this my Blue Peter garden because it's the first place I blew Peter.
AUDIENCE GROANS Remember, the trick is to get your pitchfork right through it before you take it and throw it back over the fence.
Well, we've had a letter from Mrs Smith of Epsom who's asked us to identify something that she has found in her garden.
Well, Mrs Smith, that is a dog turd.
I've got a letter here from Maureen in Doncaster who's asking a question about herbs.
In response to your letter, Maureen, I would recommend about £200 for an ounce, and if it's really good shit, 300.
Well, that is the wheelbarrow, and tomorrow, I'll show you another sexual position.
So, it's quite simple to take up an old patio.
All you do is Just leave it.
Let's not talk about it ever again.
I woke up in a field of aubergines the other day.
I thought, "None of these baby seals have faces.
" Right.
Welcome to the Ukip gardens.
Sod the lawns, let's concentrate on them borders.
So you could use a lawnmower or a strimmer, although I would recommend waxing.
Take the shovel, force it right down like that, save you a fortune in vets' fees having it put down professionally.
Help! I'm being attacked by pineapples! Help! Help! Help! I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order.
People say to me, "How do you find the thyme?" I say, "It's there, next to the sage!" Bravo.
At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Josh Widdicombe, Zoe Lyons and Matt Forde.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Good night.