Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Ed Byrne, Nathan Caton, Ed Gamble, Sara Pascoe

1 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # Don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it # News of the world # News of the world # Read all about it # Read all about it # News of the world News of the world.
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Ed Gamble, Nathan Caton, Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with the round called Picture of the Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
Here's a picture of the new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn.
So, what's going on here? Has he been sleeping in the bin on the right? It could be, "The oldest delivery boy in the world "still hasn't figured out how to hold a pizza correctly.
" I suspect he's dressed up for his first meeting with the Queen.
Is it just simply "First day at big school"? Is it "Breaking news, "Marks & Spencer merge with Sports Direct"? I think, possibly, it's page three of the Socialist Worker.
I'm glad you told me that was Jeremy Corbyn.
For a second I was worried that's what Charlie Brown looks like now LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE .
.
and that folder actually contains Snoopy's ashes.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS - Snoopy.
- ANDY: Too much now.
Please, please.
Snoopy is long dead.
SARA: I think it's "66-year-old legend's still got it going on.
" I reckon the owners of number 48 are probably very proud to be able to show off their garden like that, though.
They're sitting watching this going, "It was a Tuesday.
"It was a Tuesday! The bins are collected on a Tuesday.
" I bet they were more surprised than anyone that one of their gnomes just came to life and walked off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is he such a dedicated socialist that he refuses to look to the right even though that's the direction he is in fact walking in? I'm sorry, we've all worn bad T-shirts and shorts, it's just socks with the trainers is the only genuinely offensive thing there.
- Yeah.
- And not using cocoa butter.
And not using cocoa butter? - Yeah, his legs are - He's a 66-year-old man! - So? There's no age restriction on cocoa butter.
I'm really 55.
It is Jeremy Corbyn, who was elected leader of the Labour Party on Saturday, winning a landslide majority of 59.
5% of the vote.
So, how are we doing - the new era under Corbyn? It's exciting.
It's really exciting.
I'm so happy and I'm not going to let you guys ruin it for me.
I'm not going to.
That's reasonable, isn't it? There's nothing weird about Jeremy Corbyn at all, is there? HUGH: It's right, though, isn't it? In an era of identikit politicians, it is about time we had a leader of a major party who looks like he should be advertising canal boat holidays.
Look, I'm not surprised that he won, I'm surprised that he won by such a large majority.
Like, he got so many votes, like, even the organisers of the Qatar World Cup were going, "How the hell did he do that?" His first congratulation call was from Sepp Blatter I feel really sorry for him, cos even though he's actually won this, people in Labour don't even seem to like him.
I think it's because he is so good.
He's a saint, he's so pure, he's so principled.
He collects pictures of drain covers.
OK.
Is that a thing? He is the nerd of the nerds.
Obviously he's not the only MP who's got a large collection of pictures of manholes, - but he's - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Also the weird thing is he's an Arsenal supporter, he goes to loads of matches That comes as no surprise, does it, Dara? Yes, well, he lives in Islington, for God's sake Well, not so much that, but it's a bunch of underperforming reds who are hooked on the outmoded concepts of a foreign intellectual who, when they tried to put a team together this year, couldn't get anybody decent to join them.
SOME CHEERS FROM AUDIENCE That is funny.
That is a weapon's grade analogy there.
No, it's actually How did Cameron react? Did you see Cameron's reaction to it? - Security is the key word.
- There's a lot about security.
He sent out this tweet, effectively DARA READS TWEE ".
.
YOUR family's security.
" "Not my family.
My family are fine.
"We live in a big house with two policemen out the front.
"But your family? Where are they now? "Did you think that for a second? "Look around, can you see them? No, I can't see them either.
"He's climbing the window and stolen them.
That's what he's doing.
"Your family are gone, my friend, "and I have a unique set of skills, so return my family or I will" Oh, whatever Liam Neeson does.
You see that tweet and then you see a picture of Jeremy Corbyn, supposedly the most dangerous man in Britain.
This is the man who's a 66-year-old beige pensioner who's a pacifist, vegan cyclist.
The most dangerous man in Britain? He's in trouble if there's a lorry turning left and he hasn't had his B12 supplements.
Do you think the subtext is the Labour Party now is a threat to our national security, economic security and your family's security because now they've become completely unelectable, we Tories are going to go hog wild on this country? It feels like Cameron's got the Labour Party mixed up with the bad guys from Transformers.
Who are the bad guys in Transformers? ROBOTIC VOICE: The Deceptacons.
APPLAUSE The Decepticles? The Decepticles.
I think we've just spotted the nerd of the nerd of the nerds.
I think it would be exciting.
I was saying to my friend, "Imagine if we had a genuinely pacifist Prime Minister - "he'd spend the defence budget on education, "he'd put Trident on eBay, like, he'd just "It'd be so brilliant.
" My friend was like, "Yeah.
Then what about if Britain was invaded "and everyone's family is killed?" "Yeah, he probably won't get re-elected.
" LAUGHTER But it's a really great thing.
If you did buy Trident on eBay, I think it's not a bad idea, but if you do, if you are buying it come and collect it.
It's not the kind of thing you want delivered.
I actually agree with Corbyn about the whole Trident stuff, because I'm not a massive fan of Trident.
I'm more of an Airwaves person myself.
What has been the response to the new Shadow Cabinet? I was very excited by the Shadow Cabinet.
No way(!) Yes.
Lots of people that I'd never heard of before, and the minute I heard of them, I loved them.
It made me Jeremy Corbyn's Shadow Cabinet made me understand why people play Premiership Football Manager.
It's going to be an amazing team.
Play too much on the left But they share the ball, including with the other team.
But their goals are unattainable.
APPLAUSE Sorry, I just had a moment where I sounded exactly like my father and I need to shake that off.
- Yeah, and also, it has twins.
- The Eagle twins.
HUGH: Oh, I love this.
This is in defence, isn't it? Appointed Angela Eagle and at the same time appointed Lord Falconer, and you wonder if Lord Falconeris there to control Angela Eagle.
"Here, Angela.
" DARA LAUGHS "And the other twin, now I've got both of them.
" Yes, in other political news, - who did David Cameron manage to offend this week? - Everyone.
Just by being him.
Sneaking up behind them and going, ("Where's your family now?") "Mum? Mum?" He offended Yorkshire, didn't he? He said he knew they hated everybody else, didn't know they hated each other more, and he said this when he was going to watch England against Australia in a one-day cricket match at Headingley.
Or as he likes to call it, the home of Aston Villa.
You know that people from Yorkshire hated everyone outside of Yorkshire.
First of all, they're quite charming.
Is that a thing in this country? They have a massive rivalry, but also within Yorkshire they have a rivalry, because it's all split up.
North, south, east and west, so people from Leeds hate people from London cos they regard them as southern.
People from Leeds hate people from Sheffield cos they regard them as southern.
People from Leeds hate people in Beeston, cos although it's Leeds, it's south Leeds.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE To be honest, I'm not really interested in this story.
LAUGHTER A question I've been asking myself since the beginning of this is does Angela Eagle tweet? Or does she just go HE SCREECHES Check out her account and it's just hundreds of "A-H-H-H-H-H-H-H", and then, "A mouse!" Yorkshire does have an excellent accent though.
One of the finest accent jokes in the world is one about the Yorkshireman whose dog dies and he goes to a jewellers and says, "I want a statue made of me dog.
" And the jeweller says, "Do you want it eighteen carat?" And he says, "No, I want it chewing bone.
" It's a great joke.
Yeah, it's not mine, I didn't write it.
Classic joke.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: A Yorkshireman has invented a replacement for antibiotics.
Uncle-biotics.
No wonder they hate each other if they're telling each other those jokes! "You've ruined Christmas again, Dad!" OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Nathan.
APPLAUSE Now we play a round called You've Got To Be Corbyn It To Win It.
AUDIENCE GROANS This game involves Nathan Caton and Ed Gamble, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge, I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
And the first topic is home life.
- Nathan.
- Yeah, I can talk about home life.
I, eh, still live at home with my mum, still.
Thanks for the judgmental silence.
Yeah, I live at home, my mates give me the most stick for it, cos I'm the last one in my group of friends who still lives at home with my mum, they've all moved out.
So they see me as a mummy's boy, and every time they see me, "Nathan, what's wrong with you, man? "Why you still at your mum's, why you still at your mum's?" It's like, "I live in west London, have you seen house prices? "I'm not going anywhere, man.
" If anything, I'm looking at my mum thinking, "When are YOU going to bloody leave? "Clinging on, let it go, woman.
" She's going to slap the black off me when she sees this.
See, I like peace and quiet.
Although to be honest, at home I'm not getting a lot of peace and quiet.
Mainly because of my mum and my stepdad, they got married quite recently, and, erm, I'm happy for my mum.
She's found happiness, she deserves it.
However, at the moment they're going through that honeymoon phase, where they're having sex all the time.
Yeah, it is bloody disturbing, man.
Cos my bedroom is, like, right next door, so every time they do it, I hear everything.
A few Saturdays ago, right, it's late at night, I'm about to go to sleep, from next door I can hear my stepdad going, CARIBBEAN ACCENT: "Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, Lord, oh, Lord, "say something nasty, say something nasty" LAUGHTER So I screamed out, "You're not my real dad!" Thank you very much, Nathan Caton.
OK, that leaves us with Ed, let's see what topic you've been left with.
And the topic is diet.
LAUGHTER I hope this isn't just a hint that I need to lose weight.
Cos I've lost quite a lot of weight recently, about 6st in the last three years.
SILENCE Cheers, guys, thanks(!) CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Too late, you went with the British reaction, thank you very much.
"Couldn't give a shit, mate, carry on.
"Stop showing off, we don't want to hear about it.
" Found myself in a bit of a nightmare situation recently, I went to the Middle East to do some gigs.
Now, that bit was nice, lovely, but they put you up in a hotel where the food is all-you-can-eat buffets three times a day for ten days.
This is a nightmare scenario for me because I cannot be trusted at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Sometimes I don't even remember the buffet bit, all I remember is picking up a plate and I wake up six hours later covered in rice and sauce.
I can't theme a buffet either.
I won't pick up a plate and go, "I'll have some rice, I'll have some curry.
"Well done, Ed, you've made yourself an Indian meal.
" Won't do that.
I'll get a plate, get a spoon and I'll run along the full line of trays just scraping food from every nation onto it, until I've got some sort of plate Pangaea, just an unidentifiable mass - Spanish food, Japanese food, Chinese food, Indian food, coffee, sushi, just horrible Just wedge my face into it, everyone going, "Is that man all right?" "Don't look at me! I'm having a buffet!" Just food from all over the world.
My body, for ten days, had no idea where I was on this planet.
I went for a shit three days in, a UN flag came out.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done.
At the end of that round, the points go to Ed Gamble.
Come on back.
The next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Nathan, which category would you like? - Uh, it's got to be sport, please.
- OK, cool.
Your category is sport, the answer is Erm, "How many white people apologised to me "when 12 Years A Slave was in the cinema?" (I'm really sorry, really sorry.
) I don't know him, it's cool.
Don't worry.
It is, "How many pounds in cash did the Queen hide under her bed "when she'd seen that Jeremy Corbyn had been elected leader?" Her family's security is at risk.
Is it, "How does someone with a cold say 'One million'?" That could be what caused the financial crisis.
Is it, "How many wives would Henry VIII have had "if he'd been on Tinder?" "I shall have her! "And I shall have her!" Am I even flicking the right way? "I shall have her!" - You did good.
- Thank you.
- Oh! N Is it, "How many crisps can you eat before you bleed to death ".
.
having a spiky, spiky poo?" - From a spiky poo? - Or as the Scots call it, "Bitey shitey".
Is it, "What is the first thing that happens "in Billy Elliot, The Musical?" "One - Billy on.
" AUDIENCE GROANS Is it, "How many of Hilary Clinton's e-mails were actually spam "asking her if she wanted to increase her penis size?" Is it, "How many traces of urine are there in a peanut bowl "in a piss-on-your-hands club?" I really hope it's that one! Fingers crossed! Is the right answer! Is it, "How many times since Saturday "has Andy Burnham gone, 'Bollocks.
'?" Can we move towards the correct answer, please? OK, "How many tracks are there on the compilation album "The Best Of Sound?" That's gotta be the answer, right? It was only released It was released this week.
We now have to think of things to improvise around that now.
"Oh, this really is the BEST of sound.
" I think it's, "How much income will be generated by the Rugby World Cup?" That's absolutely right, Hugh, thank you very much.
APPLAUSE Yes, the answer we were looking for was, "By how much money is the forthcoming Rugby World Cup "expected to boost the economy in the UK?" The tournament, which is being hosted by England for the first time since 1991, begins on Friday and is expected to attract almost half a million overseas visitors.
People getting excited? Yes, there's only one sleep until the Rugby World Cup and then 25 more sleeps, as I snooze through it cos it's so boring.
I think you can sleep for 45 - it goes on for a while.
- You're excited? You - Yeah, I'm excited, I'm excited.
Yeah, you know, there are very few games where, before you go out on the pitch, you decide there's probably a need for you to gaffer tape your own ears to your head.
- Is that what they have to do? - Yeah, in case people bite them.
People chew their ears.
Not in a nice nibbly way? Like, "You're playing really well.
" That's what we do at netball.
It's the only sport where the opening ceremony is a doctor just explaining concussion.
That's one thing I do find fascinating is how well behaved they are in rugby.
I'm used to football where they argue all the time.
Rugby's like cricket in the sense that they just obey.
In cricket, if you're given out, you don't argue.
It's like, "Why are you not arguing?" The umpire's an old guy with a cardigan.
You're a young athlete with a bat - you can make him change his mind.
Somebody sent me the Ireland jersey.
A couple of mates have sent me the Irish jersey in large and it's ludicrous.
It's like a child's T-shirt, because they wear them incredibly tight so that no-one can grab them, there's nothing to hold on to any more.
It's all changed.
I put it over my head with my hands through it and had to get somebody to roll it down my torso.
You look a bit like the thing at the end that they throw the ball across.
Like that and they throw it through.
Before you make jokes like that, you need to make sure you know "posts" is a word.
It's not netball, you don't throw the ball over the posts! It would be wonderful if, at the very end of the World Cup Final, they just threw the ball over the posts and went, "Yay!" That's not how you score! Kicking, though - you kick it through the posts? And then the game's over? No, no! This is such a happy day for me that somebody on this show knows less about sport than I do.
I'm sitting here now, I feel like Eddie Waring.
Eddie Waring who was Rugby League? In the line-out, what happens is they throw the ball in and it's a bit like cheating, cos two of them can lift up a player so as they jump higher to get it, right? But if there's eight in the line-out, why don't they take the cheating further, get three of them to lift up two of them to lift up one of them? Yes! It's like Strictly or something.
They're all standing there and, suddenly from nowhere, one them just appears out of the line.
Generally in the direction you're reaching for the ball.
They should do morethat.
They should play the music from Dirty Dancing when that happens.
That would be fantastic! BOTH SING: # The time of my life # So the person who gets lifted up, do they know it's going to happen, or is it a surprise? Like if you two suddenly lift me and I'm like, "Oh, my God! I never knew! "I'm the chosen one!" Sometimes they think it's the Rapture and .
.
they think, "Oh, take me now, Lord! - "Oh, no, don't!" - SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER Then they're immediately run over by eight Frenchmen.
- It's a very beautiful game.
- What a happy game! OK, moving on, who have scientists discovered in a cave this week? I'm so excited about this story.
But I can't pronounce the name and I'm worried about I know they're not here to get offended.
- They're not.
- Homo NA-ladi.
Or na-LA-di.
Nadali.
Homo nadali.
- Nadali? - Sorry, sorry, Homo naledi.
Oh! No, can we just savour that moment where he corrected your pronunciation - by getting the word completely wrong? - Yes.
Can we all just enjoy that for a second? It's impossible to say it without doing the IN REFINED VOICE: .
.
"M'lady".
To give its full name, it's Homo naledi no cry.
The reason I love this story is they found a few bodies from 100 years apart in a cave.
- This guy, this idiot - That's Homo naledi.
The find was announced last Thursday by the South African University of the Witwatersrand, National Geographic and the UK science journal eLife.
That is a spooky cover.
- SARA: It is amazing.
- They have your hooded eyes, Dara.
But the thing is LAUGHTER I would find it very hard to believe if the production staff of this show had not done a photograph of that and made it look like you.
- I would like to think they have.
- Uh-oh! APPLAUSE But why? No! - Pull the face! - No! - Pull the face! - I am not doing the face! - HUGH: I tell you one thing - I am not getting on that Megabus.
Now that, I think, is a thing.
ANDY: I think we know where this is going now, don't we? There we go.
APPLAUSE Wow.
You look the happiest out of all three.
- How did they die? Do you know how they died? - No.
I don't know.
They were shot by an American dentist.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS Now, that is too soon.
- Yep.
- OK.
At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Sara and Andy.
APPLAUSE Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.
So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is History did I delete it? BUZZER If cycling ten miles a day uses up 400 calories, explain why Boris Johnson is still a fat bastard.
BUZZER If the sun is 93 million miles away, how can that cost £32 in an Uber? BUZZER Where is Greece? Is it, A, the Southern Mediterranean or, B, up shit creek? BUZZER What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally translate as? BUZZER Using examples of Michelangelo's work, write 500 words on why he was the best turtle.
BUZZER What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally translate as? APPLAUSE BUZZER Question A.
Media Studies - is it a real subject? Question B.
IS it? BUZZER Using a compass and ruler, draw a perfect cock and balls.
BUZZER Is this a rhetorical question? BUZZER You may now commence your anal sex exam.
Please turn over.
BUZZER Explain how Ukip became a major force in British politics without using the word "wanker".
BUZZER If Jay-Z is unfortunate enough to have a problem with a bitch, how many problems does Jay-Z now have? BUZZER Aggravated violence, question one.
Why might you use a bit of rubber hose pipe? No marks.
BUZZER What colour is this dress, white and gold or black and blue? Discuss.
BUZZER If a train leaves the station at the correct time and arrives at its destination at the correct time, how cool would that be? BUZZER Chemistry.
Me, you - is there any? BUZZER OK, the next topic is I'm Hillary Clinton and, if you elect me the first female President of the United States, I promise you that, on my first day in the White House, I will hire a very attractive male intern, he will be on his knees, not having sexual relations with me all day hashtag payback, hashtag long game.
BUZZER SOUTHERN ACCENT: I want to go to Washington.
Why? I want to see what colour the White House is.
BUZZER No, we can't! BUZZER The name Clinton is in the DNA of the White House.
In fact, the DNA of Clinton - on the walls of the White House.
BUZZER I know the value of family, because I sold one of my children to pay for this campaign.
BUZZER As president, I will welcome immigrants - because the White House is massive, and it's not going to clean itself.
BUZZER I will govern for all of this country.
Not just the metropolitan cities on the coast, but also you cousin-shaggers down south.
BUZZER I would like to introduce you to my new Homeland Security Advisor - say hi, Lambchop.
"Hi!" BUZZER Come on! Of course I'm the guy to succeed Obama.
You know what they say - "Once you go black.
" BUZZER If you elect me America's first colour-blind president, I will do everything I can to uphold the values of the brown, white and green.
BUZZER I would now like to talk to you people in a language of my own devising.
HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH Thank you.
BUZZER I want to put more Boots on the ground in Afghanistan - and also two more branches of Paperchase.
BUZZER What you must remember is that the people we need to convince are the great American people, and most of them are as thick as pigshit.
BUZZER I'd like to apologise for Mr Trump, which is what I say when I've just farted in bed.
BUZZER When I was little, I did not plan to be President of the United States.
This is more like a holding job until I get to rule a good country.
BUZZER I am American through and through.
Cut me, and I will shoot you in the face.
BUZZER I wish to have no secrets in this campaign.
I wish to be completely open, and it isthat is why I'm going to start that again, cos I fucked that up.
BUZZER We Republicans want to reach out to all Americans, blacks, whites Chinesey-looking ones.
BUZZER I want to have no secrets in this campaign, and that is why I have gathered you here tonight to tell you I shot gay JFK, fuck me! APPLAUSE - BUZZER - OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Sara and Andy! And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Nathan Caton, Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne.
See what you get?! You see what you get? Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Ed Gamble.
Thanks for watching - I'm Dara O Briain.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # Don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it # News of the world News of the world.