Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Josh Widdicombe, Zoe Lyons, Gary Delaney, James Acaster

1 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # But don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it News of the world News of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and James Acaster, Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdicombe.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
In this round I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So, what's happening here? LAUGHTER There we go, ladies and gentlemen, the end of comedy.
That's it.
There is literally nothing we can add to this ridiculous story once we have shown that picture.
That's it, it is all over, folks, time to go home.
That picture has finished us.
250 years of satire and it is now done.
That's it.
I'm telling you - everything.
APPLAUSE Swift, the whole lot.
Punch, Private Eye, Have I Got News For You, The Establishment Club, all done.
Goodnight, people, we're out of here.
Let's just show that picture and go to bed.
I will ask the question again as we look at the picture.
What's happening here? Foreplay.
Foreplay is the first answer.
Is David Cameron saying, "I met your mum once"? Is it a poster for the new film, Babe 3: City Boy And The Pig? Has the Ashley Madison website been hacked again? Taking two recent stories and slamming them together into one top-quality punchline.
Is the? Cameron is going, "Whatever you do, don't open your mouth.
" AUDIENCE REACTS Don't go "Oh!" at any stage, all right? Because we are not the ones who made this story happen, right? Has somebody said, "Pulled pork?" and David Cameron is going, "No, we're just good friends.
" - APPLAUSE - Lovely stuff.
- That is not the answer.
Is it "Prime Minister updates his Tinder profile picture"? Is this a photo of David Cameron singing a rousing rendition of 2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls? Is Cameron going, "No, I won't blow your house down, "provided you just do a little something for me"? I mean, he has caught the pig in front of the house made of bricks, to be fair, it is the third one.
APPLAUSE He's looking very happy in that picture, though - is it, "Prime Minister gets a massive lardon"? APPLAUSE Is there an angry farmer somewhere shouting, "No, David! I said, 'pluck a fig'"? Is that a phrase that anyone has ever said? "Where are you off? Fig plucking?" I'd sooner be a fig plucker than a fig plucker's son.
Well done.
I was gambling there, but I got it.
I think that photo is just David Cameron going, "This photoshoot's never going to come back and bite me on the arse, is it?" "There is no harm in me visiting a petting zoo.
"There won't be any problems with that whatsoever.
" Surely that would be a heavy petting zoo, anyway.
APPLAUSE I think there is no particular story in this picture.
I think he is probably just at a farm.
Yes, Hugh Dennis, that is absolutely right.
APPLAUSE How innocent.
This is just a picture of Prime Minister David Cameron pictured last year visiting a farm.
However, he is now at the centre of allegations including drug-taking and debauchery with a pig during his years at Oxford University.
The claims were made by former Conservative party treasurer Lord Ashcroft in a new biography serialised in the Daily Mail this week.
The PM's spokeswoman said she did not see the need to dignify the book by offering any comment, and other sources close to Cameron later dismissed the pig allegations as nonsense and not true.
So that's that settled.
We need never mention it again.
They said they don't recognise the allegations.
They didn't say they don't recognise the pig.
That pig is not his type.
Cos it's alive.
- There is the point about, it was a dead pig.
- That is the point? If you've got a dead pig, some people, don't they, they put an apple in its mouth - what is wrong if you add a couple of plums as well? APPLAUSE - Of course, it was the head of a dead pig, in this story.
- Of course.
Of course, it was, of course.
Anything else would be bizarre.
Yeah, and it's an etiquette minefield at these posh dos, isn't it? Cos you never know - when do you use the little knife? Is that my side plate? Is that the correct glass for white wine? Is now an appropriate time to place my cock in a pig's head? It's an etiquette minefield.
I just tend to dip it in everything once just on the off chance I get it right.
Just go around the table.
When the story broke he was meeting the Danish PM.
It's the most beautiful It's so incredible.
What is Denmark famous for? I mean, we call him the Danish PM, but presumably there is every chance Cameron just calls him an escort agency boss.
People have done things in college, and I think in some ways you've got to have that amount of sympathy cos we've all, you know, done things in college that shouldn't be investigated, maybe not at a university here, maybe one in another country, but let's not look into things Let's not investigate stuff that may have happened back in the mists of time.
You know? So, people died.
It was a terrible night.
You know, "Ha-ha".
We've all moved on, haven't we? Haven't we? Yeah, good.
There is apparently photographic evidence of the event, which made me wonder - terrible - was the pig wearing a GoPro? That photo was before digital cameras.
Who took that film to Snappy Snaps? Imagine "There's one photo on there, the one with the pig, "can I get that on a mouse mat as well?" What is going to turn up is a jigsaw with one piece missing.
"No, we lost it in a house move.
" How does this incredible, life-affirming story emerge? - It's revenge, isn't it? - It is revenge.
It is this guy, Lord Ashcroft, he was treasurer of the Tory party.
He worked for the Tory party for ten years, and he was promised a job in the Cabinet, and then when David Cameron got into power he offered him a junior whip's job in the Foreign Office.
And he went bananas.
Absolutely And he's done all this, he acts like it's not, but it is a classic example of revenge being a dish that is best served cold, like prosciutto.
When the Daily Mail had the story, I didn't know there is a DailyMail.
com, which is the American version.
I had never been on the website before.
So, I typed it into the internet, and the headline, because they've got no interest in this in America, was "John Hamm wins an Emmy.
" And I thought, "Is that the pig?" "His career has gone from strength to strength!" The pig got an Emmy for faking it.
In other news, and there was other news, this week, remarkably, trawling the papers, there was other stuff happening in the world.
What small group gathered in Bournemouth last week? Was it the Abused Pig Support Society? - No.
No, it was not.
- It was the Liberal Democrats.
The Lib Dems had their thing.
They had their conference in two four-man tents.
They've only got eight MPs, they don't need a big hall.
All they need is a Citroen Picasso.
They did it at Cafe Nero and they shared a loyalty card and still couldn't get a free coffee.
- That a low moment, isn't it? - That is harsh.
That is tough.
There are other people at the conference.
It's not just the MPs.
- No, it's not.
- There are six or seven other people there.
The best bit is when the venue hire say, "Well, we can just put two tables together.
" "That'll do.
" My favourite detail of the conference was that Paddy Ashdown did a DJ set.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I love the idea that there is a poster somewhere with the words "Paddy Ashdown (DJ set)".
Their party is so small that Vince Cable was doing the perfume for a pound in the toilets.
Wasn't there talk of splitting, as well? And some people leaving to make a new left-wing party? Yeah.
How can you split something that's already that small? You'd need the Large Hadron Collider to do that.
What did Jeremy Corbyn get in trouble for NOT doing last week? Not being very good.
- He didn't sing the national anthem.
- Why did he not sing it? Well, he's a Republican, he doesn't believe in the monarchy.
But he claimed he was very much deep in thought, but then he's probably like most of the population who doesn't actually know all of the words to the national anthem.
There's a very odd thing in the second verse, though, which no-one knows at all, the opening line of which is "Thy choicest gifts in store, "On her be pleased to pour.
" Which is a really odd image of somebody just emptying a massive sack of presents on her head.
Thy choicest gifts in store sounds like a very old Argos advert.
Thy choicest gifts are in store now! Didn't he claim that he was remembering the war? He later said that he was so moved because of his memories of his parents who were involved in the war and the whole thing, which is his first piece of spin! Aw! It's sweet.
APPLAUSE Aw! You! None of us like the national anthem.
It's not a banging tune over here.
Paddy Ashdown didn't spin it at the LAUGHTER Just got to a breakbeat, dropped it Ay! Here comes God Save The Queen! This one's for Vince Cable.
Get on the dance floor! Things are about to get pretty extreeeeeeeme! If they want something Jeremy Corbyn will sing gleefully, why don't they do David Cameron Had A Farm? LAUGHTER At the end of that round, the points go to James, Zoe and Andy.
APPLAUSE Now we play a round called Don't Go Bacon My Heart.
This game involves Gary and James, so if you could make your way to the performance area please.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it stops, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go.
Let's spin the wheel.
The first subject is leadership.
LAUGHTER Leadership looks fun, but is stressful.
Just look at anyone leading a conga.
On the outside, it looks like they're having a great time.
All the time just Come on.
Yes, you bloody are! Yes, you bloody are! In their heads, just going, "I don't know where I'm going.
"I didn't plan a route.
"I never asked for any of this.
"God, I miss my family.
" Everyone's trapped in the conga.
You think you can leave? You can't leave.
Person at the back, maybe.
They could let go, make a run for it.
Everyone else, you let go - you're not out the conga.
Now you're the leader of a rival conga.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now you've got turf wars to worry about.
Worst case scenario, you're second from the back, you let go.
The one person behind you loves congas, isn't giving up for anyone.
Trying to mingle at the party with a maniac on your hips.
Have a serious discussion about the Lib Dem conference and still going hell for leather.
You'd have to go swimming just to get rid of them.
Never going to lead a conga.
Never going to lead a three cheers, either.
Don't know who these lunatics are.
I don't know where you acquire that level of confidence.
Step in a room full of people, "Three cheers for Jackie, hip-hip!" What if everyone goes "No.
"Not three cheers for Jackie.
She's an unpleasant person.
"How about no cheers for Jackie.
Hip-hip, shut up!" Thank you very much, James.
APPLAUSE OK, that leaves us with Gary.
Let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
OK, the topic is health.
Away you go.
I'm a lot sportier than I might look.
In fact, I picked up a little niggle at the gym the other day.
I mean, he pronounces it Nigel I had a very stressful journey getting here today.
All the way, this lorry driver was right up my arse.
But it was nice of him to give me a lift.
I spent most of the afternoon hanging out at the swimming baths.
And then somebody told me and I tucked it back in again.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I put on a lot of weight recently.
So I rang up Weight Watchers.
I said, "It's a emergency.
"Can you send somebody round?" And they said, "Yes, we can.
We've got loads of those.
" My grief counsellor died recently, but luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit.
I accidentally kicked the dog earlier and he bit me on the bollocks.
My mate said it's karma.
I said, no.
If anything, he's even more angry.
I asked the vet - "What can I do? I think my dog's racist.
"He keeps barking at the Asian man next door.
" And the vet said, "Muzzle him.
" I said, "I don't know, "but he's got a beard.
" I went round to see my nan.
I said, "What have you been up to?" She said, "Weeding the garden.
" I said, "Well, at least you didn't shit in it.
" I was in the garden with my girlfriend earlier and we saw the 18-year-old girl next door all dolled up ready to go out clubbing.
And my girlfriend said, "Do you know what? "At that age, I can really see myself in her.
" Which was weird, because I was thinking the exact same LAUGHTER Thank you very much.
Well done to Gary and James.
Points there for Gary Delaney.
Come back.
The next round is called If This Is the Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
James, which category would you like? Sport, please, Dara.
Fantastic.
Sport it is.
The answer is 20 minutes.
What is the question? How long does it take to steam French beans so they don't squeak when you bite into them? Is it what is a frankly disappointing distance for the TARDIS to travel back in time? Is it how long does it take Joey Essex to fill in the name and address section on any form? Is it how long does it take Oscar Pistorius to cross a cattle grid? LAUGHTER AND GROANING What, some fans in?! Is that a joke you wouldn't do on The Last Leg, is it? With the famously one-legged host, Adam Hills.
Were you bursting to get that joke out, were you? I've been sitting on that for weeks! On average, how long is it between Greek elections? Is it how often does David Cameron have to take swine flu medication? Is it when a man says he's going to make love all night long, what does he really mean? Oh, let it go! It was one time, Gary! Is it - true or false? People don't understand true or false questions? Is it? DARA LAUGHING Is it for the rest of his life, what is the longest David Cameron will go without someone shouting, "Oink, oink!" Is it how long had the pig been dead for before? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is it how long was I watching the footie drunk for last Friday before I realised they were playing rugby? OK, does anyone know what it is? Yeah, it is, I think, how long was the opening ceremony to the Rugby World Cup? Absolutely.
Thank you very much, Hugh.
Yes.
APPLAUSE Yes, the question is - how long did the Rugby World Cup opening ceremony last? The six-week tournament kicked off with an opening ceremony at Twickenham which told the story of the sport's history and featured cameos from Prince Harry and Jonny Wilkinson and was over nice and quick so the sport could start, which I think is generally a good thing for these things.
Are you watching the Rugby World Cup? Not at the moment.
I'm here.
OK.
Prince Harry had a little cameo role, didn't he? - Was it a comic cameo? - Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? There we go.
It was, in fact, his first historical costume drama since he dressed up as Hermann Goering at a fancy dress party.
They're standing there trying to be historical characters, standing next to an outside fuse board.
It didn't reflect what rugby is.
The opening ceremony should have been a small boy standing in the rain while a sexually repressed 40-year-old PE teacher shouted at him.
And a bigger boy flattened him.
Because that is what rugby is.
It's the worst sport in the world.
It's bullying.
- It's bullying! - It's organised bullying, yeah.
I used to run ahead of the ball so they couldn't pass to me.
Widdecombe! Widdecombe! Brain before brawn, my friend.
It was invented when a schoolboy supposedly picked up the football and started running with it.
And that has It was bound to be a public school.
If he did that at a state school, you'd have just got your face filled in cos you'd basically given away a free kick during a football match.
Whereas in the public school they went, "Ooh, by Jove! "I think Webb Ellis is onto something here.
"Look what he's just done with that pig's bladder.
"Lord, look what he's doing with it now.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "They'll all be doing that!" Just when you thought we'd dropped the subject.
Just Just when you thought we'd moved on, it sucks you back in.
I don't think they've chosen the right host cities.
I went back to Exeter, which is my local city.
They've got a game.
They've got one of the World Cup games.
To give you an idea of Exeter, right - Do you remember the poster shop Athena? - Mm-hm.
They've still got one.
They've got an Athena next to a C&A, Dara! The French team are complaining, aren't they? The French team are complaining, yeah.
Cos they've been housed in Croydon for the six-week duration.
I was once on a train coming back into Croydon very late at night, and there was a businessman sat opposite me and a very, very drunk man sat opposite the businessman, who was clearly trying to hold in the contents of his evening.
This drunk man.
And the train just pulled into Croydon and this drunk man just threw up into this plastic bag in front of him.
And without missing a beat, the businessman looked up and went, "Croydon does that to me too, sometimes.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Look at those idiots.
- That's the French team.
Stupid! Look, a selfie stick.
Someone's taking a photo of them with the selfie stick.
LAUGHTER I hate selfie sticks.
I'm going to invent a joke selfie stick where you press the button and it drops the camera.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE In other news, what can happen to drunk air passengers in the future? They might sober up? Yeah.
LAUGHTER They're complaining that drunks are getting on planes.
They make you wait for two hours in a pub! - LAUGHTER - Just a brilliant pub that happens to have good transport links.
It's true, isn't it? It's the only time you see people at three o'clock in the morning in an airport pub just going, "Oh, I'll have a bacon sandwich and "four pints of Stella.
That seems to make sense, doesn't it? "We're here.
" As soon as you take away windows, all responsibility goes, doesn't it? You think, "It can be any time I want it to be.
" Totally agree.
I saw a guy - this was out of order - 7am, having a Wagamama's.
What the hell are you doing?! LAUGHTER You're right.
You're right! What is going wrong in your life? There was a guy drinking a Guinness, looking across, going, "He's got problems.
" LAUGHTER It's only a problem on planes, though.
It's not a problem in airports, is it? It's only a problem on planes if you get so drunk that you go, "Right, you.
Outside, now!" LAUGHTER But they always say that people get drunk and try to open the doors.
Presumably, you can't actually open those doors.
I don't think somebody can just - whoomph.
The doors obviously can be opened, otherwise we'd all still be on the last plane we got on to.
LAUGHTER You can't You can't in a kind of, "Hullo, you're a very pretty air hostess Wargh!" You can't all just go, "Whomph - wargh!" "Give me a call!" "Text me! Text me!" LAUGHTER At the end of that round, points go to James, Zoe and Andy! APPLAUSE CHEERING Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Dear Anne, the other day I was changing my baby's nappy and he wee'd right in my face.
Does this mean I can make a PPI claim? LAUGHTER BUZZER Well, the toilet wasn't connected and there was no water coming out of the taps, and that's the last time I have a poo in the showroom at B&Q.
LAUGHTER BUZZER An important recall announcement now, as it transpires a large shipment of party poppers was mistakenly packaged as tampons.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Bad news for electricity consumers.
N-Power has been bought by N-Dubz.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Critics say botox is too expensive.
But we spoke to 50 people who just paid for the treatment and none of them looked surprised.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Mr Jones got a nasty rash from his new blanket.
Good job he kept the receipt.
Unfortunately, it doesn't cover as much of his body and it's not half as warm.
BUZZER When they came home to find saloon doors and six dead Native Americans, they knew they were the victim of cowboy builders.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Firstly, we'd like to apologise for the mispronunciation on last week's show.
And particularly to those people who, as a result, have invested all of their life savings in Isis.
LAUGHTER BUZZER The house was haunted and when he refused to pay the £200 for the exorcism, it was repossessed.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Dear Watchdog, I bought these pork scratchings, but they all taste a bit David Cameron-y.
LAUGHTER BUZZER The kids were left shocked, frightened, and in tears.
So our advice, if you're hiring a face painter, don't book a surrealist.
LAUGHTER BUZZER A word of advice for anyone that wants to buy shares in the company that makes Toblerone.
This is a pyramid scheme.
LAUGHTER BUZZER If you've been tempted to go abroad for cheap boob jobs, you might reconsider after hearing about Sally, who came back from Thailand and discovered her implants had been filled with helium, and now they've gone tits up.
LAUGHTER BUZZER OK, the next topic is "Why are you crying, Mummy?" said Peppa.
"Well," said Mummy pig LAUGHTER BUZZER "What did Cameron do to you, Babe? LAUGHTER BUZZER "But why are we going this way?" said Bilbo.
"Well," said Gandalf, "We've got to find some way of stretching "this shit to three films.
" LAUGHTER BUZZER It's bad news, Dorothy.
The cowardly lion has been shot by an American dentist.
LAUGHTER BUZZER And here come Laa-Laa, Tinky Winky and Po.
Or the Shadow Cabinet, as they're also known.
BUZZER It's bad news, Pumba.
Simba has been shot by an American dentist.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Here comes Captain Hook, who turned to piracy after his benefits were stopped.
LAUGHTER BUZZER No, James, that isn't a giant peach.
That's Nicki Minaj walking away from us.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Edmund, Lucy! Bad news LAUGHTER Hi, Harry Potter.
It's me, your friend Ron Weasley.
Don't I look a little bit like that James Acaster we saw on Mock The Week.
Hey, here's a good idea! Let's go to all of his gigs and shout "Ron Weasley" at him in the audience, cos no-one's ever done that before.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Hello, we're the Railway Children! Except on Sundays, when we're known as the Bus Replacement Children.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Once a year, there is an event called the Hunger Games.
Or as some call it, London Fashion Week.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Half grizzly bear and half buffalo.
The Gruffalo was the biggest, scariest animal in the whole wood.
Until one day, he got a job presenting Mock The Week.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING BUZZER Nemo? Me? No.
LAUGHTER Nanny McPhee! I've got bad news.
We're replacing you with Nanny Mc-Smaller-Fee from Belarus.
LAUGHTER BUZZER I'm Herbie, a VW Beetle.
I falsified my emissions tests.
LAUGHTER BUZZER So as you can see, we .
.
filmed the whole movie over Skype, which is why .
.
we called it Frozen.
LAUGHTER The wonderful thing about tiggers is we can disembowel a gazelle in ten seconds.
LAUGHTER BUZZER After that round, points go to Josh, Hugh and Gary! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and James Acaster.
Thanks for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Good night.