Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Rob Beckett, Ed Byrne, Milton Jones, Holly Walsh, Ed Gamble

1 This programme contains some strong language # Read all about it Read all about it # News of the world News of the world # Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain Joining me this week are Ed Gamble, Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett, Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So, here's a picture of the Chancellor of the Exchequer this week.
So, what's going on here? Is he trying to knock Boris Johnson off his bike? He's got that look in his eye like that's what he was trying to do.
"David says I should always be the receiver.
" Is this Osborne's idea of sports casual? Yeah, that is actually boarding school PE kit.
If you catch the ball, he takes away your disability benefits.
Is this November in the least sexy charity calendar ever? "Just hold it" It looks like the advert LAUGHTER It looks like some sort of high-end sex doll for women with very low self esteem.
He's going, "All right, Dave, let's play a game.
"Let's play piggy in the Oh, no, let's not play that.
" To be honest, he's probably thinking this is exactly the kind of photo they use on Mock The Week.
I know where I'll be seeing this on a Thursday night and on Dave forever as I'm trapped in this quasi-athletic pose for all eternity.
Have they done away with the red briefcase? APPLAUSE Is it Conservative leadership contest hots up when they find Thatcher's last egg? APPLAUSE Oh, I wish that was the actual answer.
Do you think that they have sort of break time in Number Ten where they all sort of go down at 11 o'clock and just play games? What, like prison? In the yard.
Yeah, ten minutes.
Yard time.
Yeah, just walk around.
Just out of shot is Cameron just doing weights, just really pumping.
Tatted up.
You never see that but he's got a big sleeve tattoo of like There's Boris Johnson making a shank out of a toothbrush.
Or Labour leaders, like, one tear for each Labour leader he's Does anyone know what it is, why it is in the news this week? They had their conference, didn't they? The Conservative Party.
Indeed they did, thank you very much, Rob.
You're absolutely spot-on there.
APPLAUSE Yes, this is Chancellor George Osborne ahead of the Conservative Party Conference this week.
A recent survey has put him well ahead of his rivals to succeed David Cameron as the party leader.
It's exciting to know this has already started.
The party leader election which will take place in 2019, and there's already polls about who's going to be taking over.
Well, I hope it's not him actually.
I hope it's Boris.
Because if Boris gets in and Corbyn's in, you can forget about politics altogether, don't have an election.
Have no election at all and just settle it all with a bicycle race.
APPLAUSE First one to Brighton forms a government.
Have you been watching the conferences? I'm waiting until the full box set comes out.
Really? Yeah, I'm going to binge watch all If you dip in and dip out, does it ruin it for you? Yeah, it really does.
I don't get the full character development.
You're right.
That's the other pose the sex doll does.
It's like he's doing a Spice Girls dance routine.
That is previous to his speech, that is a stance he adopted.
I don't know for how long or was it just a lucky photograph or was he like that for the entire speech? Just standing awkwardly, buffeted against a wind that we can't picture.
He did an interview that made him look I think the idea was to make him look sort of humanoid.
But he said, it was like he was deliberately trying to throw people with the things he was into.
Like some of his favourite Trainspotting, one of his favourite films.
Or one of his favourite gigs he ever went to was NWA.
I can't believe he hasn't got that mixed up with something else.
I'm sure he went to see TLC.
Or just was once in NW8 which is Primrose Hill as far as I know, it's a very nice part of London, it's the kind of place he'd be hanging But that is actually NWA, he saw them at the Brixton Academy when he was a student.
Maybe it's a singer from his village called Nice White Alan.
Or it's the National Waterways Association which is a lot harder to do a drive-by with a barge.
Did they not do a track called Fuck The Police, though? They did, yes.
And is that not been the guide to his Home Office spending cuts? APPLAUSE What does NWA stand for again, Dara? It stands for Nice Lads With Attitude.
That is for them to say, it is for them to say, Them's the rules, it's fine.
You know whenever I meet Ice Cube I say, "Da-da-da!" And he goes, "Mmm.
" I've often joshed with Ice about that.
I couldn't do that.
My level's like, finger a special constable, that's Did he not? He also said, didn't he, in his interview that he had lost a lot of weight over the last year? Which is where you eat for five days and then you starve yourself for two days and he liked it so much he put loads of families on it.
I love the idea of Tories wandering about Manchester saying, "Not been up here before.
Chips and gravy? Have you got any jus?" Have you ever seen Iain and Duncan Smith in the same room? "I'll just sign this for Duncan Smith as well" It sounds like it's a nickname, doesn't it? Like Iain Duncan Stashing them, mate.
"Oh, I used to work with him down the sites.
"Oh, he was always Dunkin' Smith, as we called him!" "We lost that contract the amount of biscuits he ate.
" "Yeah, leave it out, Duncan.
" I really can't do an English accent, I apologise.
Oh, was that an English accent? Yeah, it was.
"Leave it out, Duncan.
" Yes.
"Oh, don't go and do that to mine!" "No, not now, not the biscuits.
" "Dunk it.
" "Get up them apples and pears, mate.
" "I be gettin' all this from my trouble and strife!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's so racist.
To my heritage.
What is Michael Gove planning for British prisons? He's going to sell them.
He's going to sell them off! For what, though? He's going to sell off inner city prisons as flats.
They won't call them prisons, they'll call them "gated communities.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Only hope the viewing starts early and there's middle-class couples looking round going, "Oh, yes.
"No, no, we could - we'll knock through here.
" And there's a bloke going, "Tried that.
" He's trying to reform the prisons after he turned the school system into the prison system.
Sometimes when I'm sitting next to Rob I feel like a bus driver with a guy just standing up front talking to me.
"And another thing, yeah?" And do you know how you stop yourself falling over if you're doing that? You've got to spread your legs In France is it called doing a bit of croissant? LAUGHTER What's? Doin' a bit of porridge, innit? Oh, porridge, sorry, yeah.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
I wasn't in my world.
LAUGHTER I bought Alpen the other day without added sugar - I was nearly sick.
It was like eating the bottom of the hamster cage.
How do you know that? Cos I was really hungry one morning and I didn't have a thing to eat.
A lot of prisons are more independent now, anyway.
Broadmoor, Strangeways, Australia.
LAUGHTER Jeremy Hunt on the train, did you hear what happened to him? He pulled the emergency break.
No, he didn't.
Emergency alarm.
He pulled the emergency alarm in the toilet, got confused about how a toilet worked, pulled the emergency alarm, and they made an announcement.
"Somebody has pulled the emergency alarm in the toilet.
"If anyone can go" Cos no doctors were there cos they're all still WORKING and couldn't get to him.
And then the door opened ME MIMICS PNEUMATIC DOOR .
in that kind of Star Trek style and the Minister for Health had to walk out and go, "Duh!" I always wondered about guys on trains.
Do you stand up to pee or do you sit down to pee cos it's moving so much? Oh, I stand cos it's an exciting challenge.
Basically, you stand as Osborne does just before a speech.
Legs far apart.
And in many ways you're much closer cos you've moved your entire hippage is lower.
And then one arm holding the back wall and one the other arm holding a pole and then you're there.
Sometimes, just to add an extra bit of spice, we won't lock the door.
"Tick-tock, any minute that's going to open! "And someone's going to see me in cruciform position.
" But then eventually that buzz goes and you have to do a stand up poo just to really get that high.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! If you're not standing up you miss the whole of that vacuum thing.
Which is the best thing about train loos, isn't it? You know a normal flush, there's nothing exciting about that.
Girls don't see it cos they're still sitting down when they press the button.
No, no, we get up to do that.
Do you? You're up by then! We would be sealed in it if we stayed.
You would go in there and you would just find some woman waiting for you to prise her off.
"Well, hello! "Prince Charming to the rescue.
"Milady, would you like me to?" HE MIMICS SUCKING SOUND I like how quickly we've moved from the Tory Party Conference to shitting.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now we play a round called GWA - Gaggers With Attitude.
This game involves Milton Jones and Ed Gamble, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This is stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go, Let's spin the Wheel for the first topic.
And the first topic is Parenthood.
Who wants to come in on that? Ed.
I've been thinking recently that I should maybe have a baby.
But I've thought about it and definitely not.
Couldn't handle that amount of responsibility, something that precious - it's terrifying.
I've got friends who've just had a baby and they offer that thing round like a plate of biscuits.
"Do you want to hold my baby?" I don't want to touch your baby! That is a heart in a bag! I'm going nowhere near that thing.
You wouldn't send the work experience into the boardroom! Start me off at holding your uncle and I will work my way up.
"This is Uncle Toby, 47, from Swansea.
" "Don't worry about dropping me, Ed, I am absolutely shit-faced.
" I still can't help it, I still think I might want a baby.
There's moments in life I'm just grabbing at signs from the universe, thinking maybe I should just have a baby.
The other day I was in a queue in a shop to buy a new light bulb cos I'm not a student any more - my light bulb would go, and I'm not going to sit there in the dark for six months.
So I was in the queue and in front of me was a man with a baby.
He was a dad.
You've gotta give people the benefit of the doubt in that scenario.
Can't go storming in going, "Excuse me, is that your baby?" You've just gotta admit it probably is.
On the wall there were these light switches.
They weren't real light switches, they were designer ones to show you what they would look like on the wall.
The baby was playing with them, and the dad was going, "Yeah, try that one.
" I saw that, I thought, "Ohthat's quite sweet.
"Maybe I want a baby.
There's something in that tableau "that I quite like and maybe I want a baby.
Am I broody? "Is this brood?" Then the dad walked off with the baby and I wandered over to the light switches.
Started playing with them.
I thought, "Oh, no, that's what I wanted.
That leaves us with Milton.
Let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the Wheel.
And the topic is Transport.
LAUGHTER I was on the bus the other day.
Driver stopped, got off.
Wouldn't come back.
Apparently some bloke with big teeth kept talking to him.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE She said, "I like sitting on the beach "but my other half likes swimming.
" Anyway, reading between the lines is dangerous if you're waiting for a train.
I did a show in Liverpool recently and afterwards a bloke came up to me and said, SCOUSE ACCENT: "Hey, listen, I want to talk.
" I said, "Well, just keep practising.
" Next month, I'm in Northern Ireland, County Down, "No-one".
Well done.
At the end of that round, the points go to Ed Gamble.
CHEERING Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Holly, which category would you like? Please may I have Home News? OK, Home News it is.
And the answer is What is the question? Is this the ingredients for the hardest ever episode of Ready Steady Cook? Is it, what gave my sister the hen night she wasn't expecting? Is it, what three things are inadvisable to smuggle up your arse? What are the only three ways I can still get the horn? Is it, what is the actual title of an aisle in Aldi? APPLAUSE Is it, what accessories come with the Charlie Sheen action figure? What three things do you need if you're going to cook coq au Valium? Is it a night out with Bill Cosby? AUDIENCE GROANS Is it, what respectively makes you a threat to vegans, trees and headaches? Triple threat! Is it, what ingredients does Heston Blumenthal need to make a lemon meringue pie? APPLAUSE What are the only three things the BBC haven't managed to build a Bake Off-style show around? What three things do you need if you're going to make an abattoir where the chickens have a choice? Oh-ho-ho! Oh, that is Wow, that is dark.
So, I put it to you again, MacCluckerson.
Shall I do it or shall you do it? Bwark! Does anyone know the correct answer? Is it, what are you allowed to have a plastic OK, what are you allowed to get a free plastic bag with if you're buying? They won't say this right.
Say it one more time.
Because it's really technical.
Because, it's like, what are you allowed? No.
I can't do it.
You have all the bits What are the exceptions? OK, I've got it, I've got it.
For which items? I've got it.
What are the exceptions to the free plastic bag? No.
What? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I've got it! What three products would exempt you from the 5p charge on a plastic bag? That's absolutely right.
I was going to say that! I was going to say that! CHEERING Yes.
The question I was looking for is, what are some of the items that are exempt from the new five pence charge for plastic carrier bags.
The government introduced the charge throughout England on Monday to reduce litter and protect the environment.
You're paying 5p for a bag, but you can get a trolley for a quid.
APPLAUSE The reaction's been fairly This is the front page of the Daily Mail.
Because you've got to pay 5p Introduced in Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland In the Republic of Ireland, it's been there for ten years.
Be honest.
You and I moved here when it was brought in in the Republic of Ireland because of the Armageddon .
It created.
Ireland was laid waste.
People fought over bags, put them over each other's heads, choked people.
It was brother against brother, it was father against mother.
It was carnage in Ireland over the bags.
"What?! What, a bag?! How dare? Ahhh!" Ar-bag-geddon.
That's what it was.
5p a bag, though - that's good, isn't it? I've got loads of plastic bags under my sink.
I'm going to start selling them outside Asda for 4p.
APPLAUSE Yeah People are opening THAT draw and going, "I'm a millionaire!" It might turn into an insult, though, mightn't it? 5p bag.
Just go, "Your mum's a 5p bag, mate.
" If you were in a massive Tesco and you've got yourself a bit of Cherokee gear Do you not buy Cherokee from Tesco? What's Cherokee? It's their brand of clothes in Tesco.
I'm not in my world, am I? I got my first suit from Asda.
20 quid.
I nearly caught fire walking down the road.
Didn't need a hangar.
Just static, threw it in the air.
Caught on the ceiling.
From now on, I shall only wear Cherokee! If you buy clothes in the supermarkets, will you get a nice bag, or? I'm more intrigued that the Tesco clothing range is called Cherokee.
I might be saying it wrong, cos I said What did I say wrong the other day? "Mik-a-dos".
Mikado? Why are you looking at me like we live together? "What did I say wrong the other day, love? What was it?" I did the opposite of that with your mispronunciation.
I accidentally called Wagamamas "Waga-ma-mas".
That's the poshest thing I've ever done in my life.
I prefer Waga-pa-pas.
But Waga-ma-mas will do at a push.
When we were underage and trying to get served in pubs, you know the ale Bombardier? One of my friends panicked and said, "Can I have a pint of Bom-bar-dier, please?" In other news, what unexpectedly appeared in St Albans recently? Is this the big hole? It's the big hole, yes.
The sinkhole.
The sinkhole, yeah.
This is a hole that appeared in St Albans last week.
It's 33 feet deep and it's 60 foot across.
That probably doesn't give the full scale of it.
That just appeared one day.
If that is the sinkhole, what does the sink look like? That picture, though, is completely weird, isn't it? It looks like there is a tennis ball Unhelpfully Unhelpfully placed for scale is a hedge that looks exactly like a tennis ball, so people go, "It's not that big.
You could fit about four tennis balls into that.
" I think the interesting thing, you're saying, "What appeared? A hole appeared.
" I would think of that as the ground disappeared.
That's the way I would view that as.
Mind blown, Ed.
We've got less road now.
I wish you'd just take a massive spliff "Yeah!" Has a hole appeared, or has the ground disappeared? If you put If you put Maybe the inmates are really, you know, free and we are the prisoners.
What if we put the deficit in a rocket and sent it into a black hole? Suddenly, Milton's shirt's making a lot more sense.
What I would love to do is get a high-vis vest and a clipboard and go up and knock on that door and go, "Have you got planning permission for this swimming pool?" They have popped up more and more.
There's footage we have of one in South Korea.
This is just taken from one of those transport buses, on the side of a tram in Is that your bus, Holly? Hopping off.
The start of my dayOn the way to work.
And then Wahey! That is a horrible version of You've Been Framed they've gone for there.
That is the squarest sink hole you'll ever see.
That bloke with that hat is going, "No one will believe "they just fell in.
"I'm going to get in trouble.
" "Who was the last to see them?" "Oh, it was me.
"They fell in a hole, they fell in a hole".
It would be awesome if he jumped in the hole.
OK, points go to Rob, Holly and Ed.
APPLAUSE Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what they come up with.
and the first subject is And the markets are as follows Three pounds of loose bananas, two pounds of juicy strawberry.
BUZZER Well, he went in half an hour ago and he still hasn't come out, so I can only assume he's having a very big poo.
BUZZER Sad news now, Wally has been found.
His funeral's next week, no one knows where but that's what he would have wanted.
BUZZER As I stand here in this village where the water is ridden with disease and human faeces, we have to ask ourselves one question.
Why did I choose to wear flip flops? BUZZER Sorry, sorry, I just wanted to check something.
I'm standing just a stone's throw from where the meeting is taking place.
BUZZER With thousands dead there looks like no end to the bloodshed.
I've been Holly Walsh for the BBC reporting from Midsomer.
BUZZER Welcome to Fox News.
The bastards have been through the bins again and shit on the drive.
BUZZER And the Italian wing of Heinz Soup has been put into ad-minestrone.
I'm on the scene where the search continues for the beloved pantomime star.
What's that, he's where? BUZZER but I finally got my microphone back from that bastard at Sky News.
We cross live now to the Kings Road, where Jose Mourinho has no trousers or pants on and is telling the pigeons it's the referee's fault.
BUZZER And we've got Barry Chuckle on the scene of the crime.
Barry, to you.
BUZZER It's not good news.
I've just been talking to the American ambassador and I said to him, "Surely now Osama Bin Laden has gone from terrorist to martyr?" He said, BUZZER Is there sexism at the BBC? Let's ask Sally Johnson, who's our lovely smiles and pretty cakes correspondent.
BUZZER This is the first time I have reported from the Pamplona Bull Run.
Fucking hell! BUZZER OK the next topic is Dear Deidre, why does semen make you fat? BUZZER Dear Deidre, I have spent the last six months living with a beautiful woman, but yesterday she found out.
BUZZER Dear Deidre, I swear Eastern European meerkats are trying to sell me car insurance.
Am I going mad? BUZZER Dear Deidre, last time I wrote to you you told me that there was nothing wrong with masturbation.
Why then, yesterday, did I get thrown off the bus? BUZZER My girlfriend's livid because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof, please tell me, how can I wipe the slate clean? BUZZER I have terrible trust issues.
Please help me Deidre If that's your real name? BUZZER Dear Deidre, my husband is pressurising me to try Alan.
Also, how do I turn off predictive text? BUZZER Dear Deidre, I have just bought a diesel VW and I am fuming.
BUZZER My wife wants us to experiment in the bedroom but last time we did that the Bunsen burner singed my pubes.
BUZZER Dear Deidre, I can only achieve orgasm while writing a letter.
Do you think it's? Ooooh It doesn't matter.
BUZZER DEAR DEIDRE, HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? BUZZER Dear Deidre, look, I'm not going to beat around the bush, is there any other tips on satisfying my wife? BUZZER As we own our own business my wife and I often make love at work, and we love to try new positions.
Tomorrow I'm finance director and she's head of IT.
BUZZER Dear Deidre, I have a mole on the end of my penis.
How much trouble am I in with the RSPCA? BUZZER At the end of that round the points go to Rob, Holly and Ed.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING That's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Ed Gamble, Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett.
Commiserations to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne.
Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain.
WOMAN: We see lots of violent domestics and she was actually knocking seven bells out of him but people just walked past.
MAN: Why would I be scared of people seeing me like this? People can see me laugh, they should be able to see me cry, but I don't want to appear vulnerable.
WOMAN: They're after one pimp, essentially.
And she's meant to look after