Modern Family Episode Scripts

N/A - The One That Got Away

Right? Yeah.
Hey, Mom.
Listen to this card Dad got for Grandpa Jay.
"Hip-hip-hip hooray.
Save the extra hip.
You'll need it someday.
" 'Cause he's old.
You're not giving him that.
- Even if he drinks his other gift first? - Nope.
Ladies, do you remember exactly one year ago today when you did not have a gift for your grandfather and it killed him just a little so I suggested you start interviewing all the members of the family for a video tribute? Well, check it and burn.
We totally did that.
We just need to finish the editing.
And you should talk.
You haven't even started on your gift yet.
That's because I changed mine.
I thought of a better idea yesterday.
I think I came up with a better idea.
My dad has a picture of me and Mitchell when we were kids standing in our old backyard.
We're gonna re-create the picture.
I did the same thing last year for my parents for Christmas.
It went over like gangbusters.
- You remember? - Funny.
Oh, I do.
I do.
- Ohh.
- I do.
Come on, girls.
TV off.
It's your grandfather's birthday.
We gotta start taking this seriously.
Permission to come aboard.
Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey .
My best birthday memory: I'm a teenager and for some reason I drag this boat out on the lake and for hours, I'm just lying there, fishing alone with my thoughts.
That's all I want this year.
So, that's really going to be your day? You're going fishing? With time out for a gourmet lunch.
Sausage of the Month Club really nailed it in May.
But, honey, no offense.
They almost lost me last month with that chorizo.
Why no offense? It's a sausage.
It's not on our flag.
Lily, what you doing here? Surprise! We were just on our way to get Jay's cake and thought we'd pop by.
Lily was driving me crazy all morning.
I had to get rid of her.
She refuses to get dressed.
- Well, did you try bribing her? - Oh, no.
Of course I did.
I cannot go back in there, Mitchell.
- Why did we ever decide to have a kid? - I don't know.
I don't know.
Come on.
She loves you so much.
Just this morning she was looking at a picture of you and I swear she was trying to say your name.
Really? Ay, I would love to spend more time with her but I have to go to the mall to get Jay's gift for his birthday.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Gloria's busy.
No, don't cry.
We should go.
- Oh, maybe I can take her with me.
- Okay.
Bag's packed.
Have fun.
Bye, sweetie.
- Hey, Cam.
- Oh, hey, Manny.
- Mom, is Jay still here? - No.
He just left.
Why? What's up, pal? I'm going over to a friend's house where I may have to use this thing.
I only used it once, and that was to take a torte out of the oven.
Okay, well, first, let's loosen this thing up.
- So what's her name? - How'd you know? Well, you're pretending to be something you're not.
Boys do that for girls.
Or really dreamy boys.
Her name's Tara.
We have great chats online.
She's really smart and funny, but she's on a softball team.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Hey, you know what? Why don't we go outside and toss the ball around.
- Okay.
- Wow.
And you know what? I wouldn't worry too much.
She's gonna like you even if sports aren't your thing.
Aren't my thing? I have a tennis racket upstairs I only use as a bubble bath frother.
- Wow.
- How do you put this on? - Excuse me, miss.
- Sorry.
You answered to "miss.
" Hilarious.
Glen Whipple my college rival.
Captain of the cheer squad, winner of every robot battle.
Every second I spent with the guy just made me feel worse about myself.
The only thing I could compete with him in was close-up magic.
Well, it's great to see you.
Great to see you too.
And I believe this is yours.
- What? When? - Hey, you headed over to the card shop? I was in there earlier.
I got myself one of those musical cards.
A little more expensive, but I can swing it.
- Oh, well, great to see you.
- Yeah.
By the way, don't leave without this quarter from behind your Come on, Phil.
Good luck, Dunphy.
I'm off to get some new cross trainers.
I blow through them pretty fast with all this power walking I'm into.
Catch you later.
Phil! - Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you two doing here? - Shopping for tonight.
I'll walk with you.
- Where were you heading? - The card store.
What a beautiful child.
You and your wife must be so happy.
I didn't think anything of it until other people started making the same mistake.
It reminded me of a college job I had parking cars.
One day I had to park an Aston Martin.
I'll never forget the looks I got driving that baby down the block and I wasn't gonna dent this one.
Hey, uh, what would you think about swinging by the shoe store? Okay, let's go.
I still can't believe all the looks we got driving over here.
And yet you wore the hat the whole time.
Don't you think we should park on the next block over? This is all permit parking.
- No.
We used to live here.
It's fine.
- Yeah, still, I Oh.
I don't think anybody's home.
- You don't? - Here.
Hang on to this.
- What? Where are you going? - The backyard.
We'll take this picture really quickly, and then we'll just get out of here.
No, let's just let's just wait for them to come home.
Okay, that-that's trespassing.
No, it's not.
We used to live here.
- I don't think that does what you think it does.
- Of course you would baby out because this is just like pool-hopping all over again.
I don't see what was fun about that.
It made going in Grandma's pool less special.
Why don't you try being a little less special? Oh Is it far? - Hello.
- Hi.
It's Sandra from the dog groomer.
I'm trying to reach Gloria.
Stella's ready.
Oh, I must have her phone.
She probably grabbed mine again.
This is her husband.
You have my number right there probably.
Give that a call.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, it's me again.
I'll be right there.
Yeah, I did blame her for no reason.
You have a little bit of an attitude, you know that? You know who did your job in my day? A hose.
- Okay, a little to your left.
- Yes, okay.
- Right there.
That's it.
- Hurry.
- And I was right - Quickly.
- Here.
- Okay.
Here we go.
- It's weird being back here, isn't it? - I know.
Everything looks exactly the same.
Except for the fence.
Yeah, what's with that? Who are they trying to keep out anyway? I don't know.
- Oh, God.
- Oh.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- Oh, wow.
Oh, my God.
- No, it's okay.
He might be friendly.
He's nice.
- He's so He's nice.
Oh! Oh, God! So not nice.
Hurry, hurry.
Oh, God.
- Now what do we do? - Well, you could try telling him we used to live here.
They're never coming home.
We need to call someone.
Use your phone.
Mine's down there getting rabies on it.
- No, I left mine in your car.
- What? - Well, I didn't wanna ruin the line in my pants.
- Oh, God.
Oh, look.
Somebody's coming.
Okay, that is what happens when you park without a permit.
Stop! That's ours! We're up here! Stop! He ignored me.
He didn't stop for the screaming sailor in a tree? Give me your shoe.
You think that wolf down there's gonna be afraid of a shoe? No.
No, I don't.
Wha What are you doing with dad's wine? - Getting comfortable.
- Eesh.
We could be up here for a really long time.
Where did you learn how to do that? Where did you get a sailor's suit on short notice? - Fair enough.
- Mm-hmm.
It's merlot.
Manny! Hey, how did it go with Tara? It's still going on.
The catch part went fine, mostly.
I took a running dive into the dirt.
Well, did you at least catch the ball? I was trying to throw the ball.
I'm in her bathroom looking for Band-Aids.
I'm trying to get up the nerve to tell her how I feel.
Well, just be honest.
She intimidates me.
Every time I open my mouth, I say something stupid.
I called her bedroom "fantazing.
" That's not even a word.
Are you okay in there, Manny? Yeah.
I'm just water washing my hands! Help me.
Tell me what to say.
Okay, how about this? You are the prettiest, smartest, funniest girl in the sixth grade.
I know you're only 11, but I can't stop thinking about you.
I've loved talking to you online.
I think we should become boyfriend and girlfriend.
Oh, no, it's not what you think.
I'm talking to a little boy.
She's not with me, Cam.
I got her phone.
Why are you crying? How do you get kicked out of a bakery? - Well, that'll do it.
- I'm sorry to ask you to get your own birthday cake - but I can't get ahold of any-anyone else.
- Can't do it.
I'm on my way to the lake, finally.
Just get something at the grocery store.
I am not getting you a grocery-store cake.
Gloria asked me to handle this.
She's gonna yell at me, Jay.
She can be mean in Spanish.
Okay, fine.
- Let's wrap this up, Princess.
- Okay.
Love you.
What are you guys doing? Just editing our birthday tribute to Grandpa.
Some of the interviews I did didn't turn out so well.
That's okay.
We'll just use the best stuff from what we all got.
- Okay, Haley, talk about Grandpa.
- Ew! I can't talk about Grandpa dressed like this.
I love my That stupid dog next door! Jay! Jay! Jay! - Three, four, five No.
- Uncle Mitch, what do you think - What are you doing? - Uh, nothing.
You didn't see this, and we don't tell Cam.
Capisce? - it'll only take one minute.
- We don't have a minute.
- Who's Clive Bixby? - A friend of your mom's.
Not now! - Hey, Uncle Cam, can you talk about Jay? - Jay.
I know.
No time.
I got a little girl's birthday party to save.
Oh, not now, honey.
Your father's out back.
Why don't you call him? Phil Dad! Your kids need you! Grandpa is really cool.
He once let me drink some of his beer.
- For the love of - Root beer.
I could've sworn we had more.
Well, let me work my magic.
It's all about creative editing.
Just give me two hours and another hour.
Someone get me some chocolate milk with extra salt.
Do you remember the time you quit Cub Scouts and Dad got mad at you Do you remember the time you quit Cub Scouts and Dad got mad at you - so you ran away up here? - Right.
And you brought me my dinner up here and my comic books.
I think Mom and Dad would have been a lot more scared if you hadn't been running into the house to use the bathroom.
I can't go outside.
- Great.
Now I'm thinking about it.
- Mitchell.
It's ironic.
We always wanted a dog in this backyard and we could never have one.
Manny got one.
Manny gets everything.
Hey, do you think Manny's gonna get a third of - A third of what? - You know.
Uh I guess.
- Sure.
I mean, that seems fair, right? - Does it? - Claire, does it? - We've probably had enough of this.
Okay, wait.
Do you think if we can get the dog to chase this doll Then we can run down and grab the phone really quick.
- We could do that.
- Yeah.
We just are going to have to throw it really, really far.
So - That way.
- Mm-hmm.
Gloria, I'd still love to swing by that shoe store.
If you're in a hurry, go by yourself.
I'll wait.
Whipple! Whipple! Okay.
What do you think? Oh, it's perfect.
Let's see the other side.
- Whipple! - Bless you.
- Thank you.
- It's a little too tight, no? What do you think of the tush? Oh, I think it's great.
Keep it there for a second.
Let's make sure.
Yeah, but it's a little see-through.
Maybe if I put this underneath, then it won't, like, show No, no, no, no, no.
It looks good that way.
- I go try something else better.
- No, wait! Wait.
Oh, don't think about it.
Just get it.
Hilarious, Whipple.
I'm actually here with someone.
Then you finally did make something disappear.
- She was here a second ago.
- Of course she was.
Just like that date you had on the final night dance of Junior Tumbling Congress.
- There was traffic.
- Sure.
I think I found something that is going to make my husband very happy.
What do you think? - Oh, very happy, Gloria.
- Oh! Very happy.
Okay, but don't go far away because I might need help with the zipper, okay? Sounds good, with the zipper.
I mean, wow.
That's your wife? It would appear so.
Great to see you, Glen.
Oh! Hmm.
You know, I gotta say I'm a little surprised.
Surprised? Or mystified? Damn it.
It went down your shirt.
You can keep it.
- I'll see ya.
- No, no.
I just always assumed you would marry Claire Pritchett.
- You remember Claire? - Are you kidding? She was gorgeous.
God, I was so jealous of you back then.
- You were jealous of me? - Oh, man.
Claire Pritchett, with the blonde hair and those brown eyes.
Great smile.
Oh, I can picture her smiling right now.
I can't.
I wonder who landed her.
Lucky son of a bitch.
- Phil, I need you! - What now? Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
I'll be there in a second.
No! How? What the hell were you thinking? I'll answer that for you.
You weren't thinking.
You think that's funny, Popeye? - No.
- Popeye.
I should be fishing, but I'm hauling my ass across town trying to save you two from a little dog.
- At least we got to have a dog for a few minutes.
- Here we go.
You could show a little gratitude, you know.
These pants are new.
Climbing over that fence, I might have wrecked 'em.
That's mature.
- I'm sorry.
We're sorry.
- We're sorry.
Sorry you said "rectum.
" I'm sorry, Dad, and we're so glad that you came - Thank you.
- And got us.
That was very smart the way that you distracted the dog.
Twelve times a year I get sausages.
That's it.
What the hell am I gonna do till June? - Hey.
- Ah, let's see it.
- It's beautiful.
- We just need some candles.
- I-I must have in one of the drawers.
- Okay.
Froot Loop necklace.
Baby Jesus.
I was looking for these keys.
Baby Jesus.
BB gun.
More baby Jesus.
Ay, another baby Jesus, Stella, don't do that! - Gloria.
- No, Jay! Don't come in here.
You cannot see the cake.
It's the bad luck.
I already saw the cake.
I bought it while I was busy not fishing.
Go to the bar.
You never used to talk to me like that before we got that damn dog.
Hey, Manny, I almost called you.
How did it go with Tara? Okay, I guess.
I used every line you gave me and she totally ate it up.
Well, then why just okay? She wants to go on a date now, to the batting cage.
Not so good with a bat? I am, as long as I'm using it to roll out dough.
I'll bet you just need a little practice.
You know, when I was your age, I couldn't hit a balloon with a bat and my father took me out to the field and a couple of hours later, I was knocking the hide off that ball.
- It's one of the best days we ever had together.
- Really? Yeah.
I just bet you need some time in a batting cage.
What are you doing this weekend? That'd be fun, huh? That's a great idea.
I'll ask Jay.
He loves stuff like this.
- That'll be great for you guys.
- Yeah.
And thanks for your help today, Cam.
You got it.
I don't think Grandpa's having the best time.
He keeps going and getting more drinks.
Well, not every time.
One time he went in to check on the women's basketball score.
The Sparks are up by eight if anybody cares.
Okay, Dad we all owe you an apology.
We were so worried about giving you a great night that we ruined your day and we're really sorry we didn't let you go fishing.
- Sorry, Dad.
- Sorry, Jay.
- Sorry.
- Sorry, Jay.
You know what? I'm acting like a jerk.
What am I, 12? Hey.
So I didn't get to go fishing.
Am I gonna pout about it? I still have my family, and you guys made such a big fuss.
I love you all.
- Ohh! - Ohh! - So let's go get some cake and presents.
- Yeah! Cake and presents.
Come on, everybody.
Honey, have I told you how lucky I am to have you? Gloria, excuse me.
'Cause I am.
- Okay.
- # Ha #.
No singing.
- What the hell happened to the cake? - Nothing.
It's beautiful.
- Okay, let's open the presents.
- Yes.
The presents.
- Who's first? There we go.
- Mine first.
Mine first.
As you know, Claire and I didn't quite finish ours.
- But we will be getting that to you.
- Fine.
- And our gift is a fuller version of that, and a card.
- Wonderful.
- And, of course, the cake is, uh, mine.
- Fantastic.
And here we have a phone in the shape of a mouth.
Ah, you're welcome.
Very sexy.
Wait a minute.
Don't tell me.
Let me work this out.
I mentioned a few times I was thinking of taking up the saxophone.
You give me this.
I got it.
Is this a "sexy phone"? - Happy birthday! - Wow.
What else we got? Oh.
Uh, nothing.
Maybe not a perfect showing on behalf of the adults in the family but don't forget the kids still have their big gift.
And it took us a year to make.
- It's in the D VD player.
You gotta come watch it.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- I'm so excited.
Let's go, Jay.
- I bring your sexy phone.
- Ah, you don't forget that.
And, uh, we all participated - so this is kind of from all of us.
- Yeah.
Hit the lights.
- Dad! - Jay! Jay! - Grandpa - We - Love - Ew! Capisce? Well - Well, who wants to see it again? - Um That's it? That's all you used? I wasn't even in it.
- That totally sucked.
- You know what? Great party.
Thank you all for coming.
And I hope you forgive me.
I'm gonna go upstairs, curl up with a Ludlum and call it a day.
Where are you? What are you doing out there? What the hell? I dragged it back here this afternoon.
I know it's not the lake.
But maybe we could pop open a few drinks and hang out on the water.
Now, the old Jay would have said "I wanted to be on a lake with a fishing rod and sunshine not bobbing around at night in a swimming pool.
" I miss the old Jay.
- This is the life, huh? - It ain't half bad.
Ay, I want to get in the boat.
- Captain? - All right.
- I wanna get in the boat if she's getting in.
- I wanna get in.
- You want to? - So how was your day with Claire? Actually, it was really great.
I don't always think about it, but I was really lucky to have her to grow up with.
I cannot imagine dealing with my crazy parents alone.
- Cam? - Hmm? I I wanna have another baby.
What would you think about a boy this time? All right, easy.
- No, no, no.
You're rocking the boat! - I got Claire! I got Claire! All right, ahoy.
So if we all just enter through the starboard section and then Okay, everybody, upstairs.
And, Luke, I want you to get in a hot bath right away.
- I'm still shivering.
- That's why you don't stand up in a boat.
- I was king of the world.
- Now you're dork of the night.
Honey, have I told you how lucky I am? You mean since dinner? I can't help it.
Your beautiful eyes, your silky hair.
Promise me you'll never change.
I have to admit, that's kind of hot.
Maybe I will go change.
I still got it.
Knock it off.
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