Modern Family Episode Scripts

The Graduates

1 - What's cooking? - My mother's recipe - guinea-pig pie.
- Smells good.
You just accept that? It's pecan.
How cuckoo do you think my country is? It's come to this "What's cooking" and "smells good" gets me in trouble? Mom, you're already cooking for tomorrow? Don't make a big deal.
My baby's graduating.
He won the award for Integrity and Character.
"No absents, no tardies, "respectful to students and teachers alike.
" My school had an award like that, but instead of a sash, that kid got a punch in the mouth.
Proud of you, though.
Why do all your stories involve a punch in the face, a shifty European, or a broad who's been around the block? That reminds me of when I had to rough up this Italian kid because he didn't want me dating his sister.
She was no nun! Jay, can you please take care of the steaks? Sure.
On the eve of your big day, we're celebrating with rib eyes, and you and I are gonna have our first scotch.
- Really?! - Yeah.
I've been waiting to open a special bottle.
Huh.
Looks like the mice got into it.
Hello, hello?! Where's my son? - Dad! - Ha ha ha! What, did he hop the gate? You came! - I said I'd come.
- I know, but you came! How could I miss it? Manny, the first member of my family - to ever graduate from high school.
- Wait a minute.
Don't you have a brother in Colombia - who's a doctor? - Yes.
He just does orthopedic surgery, no brain or heart.
Think of it tomorrow, I will watch you stride across the stage with a sash, like a rebel's bandolier telling the world "No absents, no tardies.
" Manny and I were gonna grill some steaks and drink some, um, beers.
Thank you, Jay, but if it's all right with you, I would like to take Manny out for a special father-son celebration.
- Is that okay? - Ah, sure.
I mean, he made the effort to come.
Didn't have time to button his shirt all the way up.
But go ahead.
Perfect! The night begins.
But first here.
(spritzing) Walk through this.
(chuckles) I know that smells terrible, but I've never seen that man get a mosquito bite.
(singsong voice) There he is the graduate.
I have one word for you, Luke plastics.
(normal voice) I don't think he knows that movie, honey.
Mrs.
Dunphy, you're trying to seduce me.
Okay, let's just give him the gift, all right? Okay, but first, gather around, everybody! Riddle me this What has two hands, is wound tight, and has a lot of ticks? Alex? - (laughs) - Good guess, but no.
This was made in Switzerland, not in the Disneyland Hotel.
Awesome! A watch! We wanted to give it to you early so you could wear it to graduation today.
Yeah.
It's shockproof.
Oh, good.
You can show it your grades.
- I love it.
- What time is it? (voice breaking) Time for my little man to go out in the world and make his mark - like the tiny trouper he used to be.
- (sighs) Hold on.
I'll be right back.
I remember when he was so small, we'd give him a bath in the sink.
Here we go.
Dad, we really got to talk about the crying.
When we graduated, you were a mess, and it was humiliating.
Showing emotion is part of being a sexy modern man.
Ask anyone who was raised on Alan Alda.
I don't think we have to worry about him going anywhere anytime soon.
He just installed a mini fridge and a hammock in his room.
Mom, Dad, you did all the hard work getting me through high school.
You deserve a gift.
But what do you get the Cadillac of parents? A Rolls-Royce.
Oh, my goodness! How did you afford that? - It was only $2,000.
- Huh.
Judge Thompson, from the club, - got me into a police auction.
- Huh.
If I had 40 more dollars, you'd be looking at a speedboat.
So, what do you think? It's it's wow.
- Right?! - I loved the macaroni necklace he made me in first grade, and I even used the perfume he gave me in fifth grade, but this car is so gaudy.
People are gonna think I played for the Knicks in the '70s.
It's the most beautiful gesture - I have ever seen.
- (car door opens) It's 100% class.
Hey, Mom, didn't you say you had some errands to run? Oh.
I in a little while.
Uh, yeah.
But um, gosh, it's got fur.
Wow.
It's like driving a lion.
Hey, before you go, give us a honk.
All right.
(horn honks to the tune of "We're in the Money") The horn doesn't help, does it? So, I've narrowed it down to Swiss Coffee and Whispering White.
But I can't decide between matte or satin.
I thought we landed on Eggshell.
We decided against Eggshell.
W-why don't we just sell the house? Why don't we just paint the floor Eggshell - since that's what I'm walking on.
- Okay.
- I forgot to give this to you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Have a good day at school, sweetie.
- Bye, sweetie.
It's fourth grade.
We're all just treading water.
What is it? Ah, well, it's it's from the principal's office.
- Is she in trouble? - (door closes) No! She's smart.
- She is? - That's what it says.
Are you sure it's not for Lily Rosen? You were at that science fair.
She brought that frog back to life! This is for our Lily.
T-they're suggesting that she skip fifth grade and go right into middle school next year.
"Lily is testing far above her grade level - What? - " and we feel she would benefit "from a more challenging curriculum.
" - (laughs) - Huh.
I know! All these years we thought that she was, uh - God, what's the word? - Different? Peculiar? Odd? - Mean? - So many words.
But she was just really smart.
Holed up in her room every day after school, she wasn't - Plotting to kill us? - I was gonna say daydreaming.
They they want us to tour the school today if possible.
- This is so exciting.
- I know.
- Our little baby's a genius! - (doorbell rings) You know, um, I also skipped a grade.
I'm not saying I was a genius, but Good, because we're getting along so well right now.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Mwah! - Hey.
- Here you go.
Yeah.
- Thanks so much.
- Hey, guess what.
- They want Lily to skip fifth grade.
Traditionally, the person who says "guess what" also gets to say the what.
Wait a second.
Lily's smart? - Look.
- I mean, there's proof of that? - Yeah.
Right there.
- Yes.
Huh.
They asked Alex to skip a grade, too - It's not a competition, Claire.
- but we felt that it would be too much stress to have her with kids so much older.
- Good for Lily! - Yeah.
I just always thought she was, you know - So did we.
Yeah.
- Us too.
Yeah.
- How was your big night with Javier? - (groans) I overindulged.
- Booze or burgers? - Booze.
I drank so much, I had an angry slap fight - with what turned out to be a mirror.
- (chuckles) Gloria: Do I hear my Manny?! When you're hungover, it's like a car alarm.
Ay.
iHola, papi! Happy graduation day! (party horn blowing, laughs) That's delightful.
I need your sash and your gown.
So that I can press it.
I don't want anyone looking wrinkly.
(chuckles) I don't mean you, but it's fun that you're right there.
I, uh, left them at school.
I'll run over there.
Mama, I have a stomachache.
And my ankle is broken.
(gasps) And you can walk with your broken ankle? I had a cousin got out of Vietnam that way.
Whenever Manny's getting a lot of attention, Joe gets very needy "my head," "my arm.
" In Colombia, we say, "If it's not bleeding, shut your guinea-pig hole.
" We actually do eat guinea pig.
(beep) Call me back, Dad! It's an emergency! What's wrong? I kind of misplaced my cap and gown and sash.
Maybe they're at that strip club you went to last night.
Shh! How did you know? - It's all over your face.
- My shame? - Glitter.
- Ohh.
Tell me what happened.
We picked up my graduation stuff on the way, and I don't know.
I guess the tassel got my dad thinking.
Why didn't you leave them in the car? I didn't want them to get stolen.
And I may have taken it out to impress a certain Chyna with a "Y.
" I think she really liked me.
I'm not gonna spoil that one for ya.
I graduate in five hours! We'll get you another cap and gown.
That sash has been worn by every honoree for decades.
I'm not gonna be the one to lose it after it's survived earthquakes and wars and the lunchroom gravy fire of '64! Fine.
Where is this place? I don't know! I remember there was a lot of brass and mirrors and loud '80s music.
Well, that narrows it down.
Wait.
Uh, it was by the airport.
All right.
We'll find it.
I'll take you.
Don't worry.
It'll be our little secret.
Thank you, Jay.
(sighs) What happened to him? I'm back.
We need to talk to you.
Sit down.
- What's going on? - Don't say anything.
- Just watch.
- (tender music plays) Baby pictures of Luke? More than baby pictures.
You're gonna watch Luke grow up to sappy music.
Why are you doing this? To get all the crying out of your system so you don't melt down at the graduation.
It's like when you drink too much and your friends get you super-wasted so you never drink again for the rest of the week.
(voice breaking) It's the first time he saw snow.
Oh, here, Dad.
Thank you.
(crying) His baby blanket?! Why?! (sobs) Hey, nice car, Grey Gardens! It was a gift from my son! Ugh.
What the hell? (sighs) (tapping on glass) (muffled) Rawrrr! You call that a tiger? R-a-a-a-awrrr!  And we're very proud of our state-of-the-art computer lab.
It's so weird every time I step into a middle school, I feel like I'm 14 (shudders) ag-a-in.
That was on me.
He wasn't gonna do anything.
- How much is his therapy costing again? - (sighs) We used to think that was snark.
- Now we know it's wit.
- Yeah.
Uh, Mr.
Peterson, we just want to be certain that this environment's the right fit for Lily.
We have a lot of experience dealing with accelerated students.
But if Lily really is gifted, then maybe there's another path private schools.
Although, I do love the diversity of a public school.
- On the other hand, I do wonder - Okay, you know what? We're just deciding if she's gonna skip a grade.
We're not charting out the next 20 years of her life.
Well, no, choices have consequences.
If we don't do this right, she could lose all interest in school and drop out, and the next thing you know, we're supporting her and her deadbeat boyfriend and our savings are drained, and then we have to sell the house! Okay, why do all your meltdowns have to do - with us selling the house? - I'm just saying - We're gonna give you guys a minute.
- Okay.
Lily, do you want to see the computer lab? This feels like a good time to tell you I'm adopted.
Maybe Claire's right.
Maybe it's too much pressure for her to skip a grade.
I did it, and I'm fine.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry.
Um Hey, w-what does "uh-huh" mean? Well, perhaps you're not the best advertisement for skipping a grade.
So, wait.
You're afraid Lily's gonna turn out like me? I'm just saying that maybe you skipping a grade put too much pressure on you, and it exacerbated your neurotic tendencies, and now you can't even make a tiny, little decision about, you know paint.
Wow! I can Y-you I don't have to just st Oh, you think you are so s You can't decide how to storm off, can you? (exhales sharply) I am (somber music plays) (crying) Luke's first haircut.
He gave me bangs.
- Well, that's it.
- (music shuts off) Hopefully you're all cried out.
You remember when he hid that mouse trap under the pillow to catch the tooth fairy? (sobs) Dad, we got to start getting ready for the graduation.
Yeah, so maybe splash some cold water on your face and wrap it up.
Do you guys remember that "Luke Loves Daddy" rap? (rapping) My name is Luke Dunphy And I'm here to say I love Daddy (sobs) I thought you said he'd be cried out by now.
Dad, please, you really got to stop.
That's what he said when I was the tickle monster! (sobbing loudly) Ohh! (sobbing continues) Mama, now my tooth hurts.
Well, I guess you can't have cake today.
What if it's my leg? Claire, I guess I'm picking up the cake myself, because you didn't answer my messages.
Claire: Grawr! Gr-a-a-awr! Hey, Claire, are you having fun at the Gym Town? As a matter of fact, I am.
This is my new friend, Charlie.
He loves dinosaurs, and tomorrow we're both gonna have pink eye.
Hi, Charlie! Can you go and find the negligent adult that brought you here? Oh, do you have to go so soon? He smells so good! Yeah, you're like two sniffs away from a felony.
(sighs) What is going on? I gave Phil such a hard time for being too emotional about Luke's graduation, but I think it's hitting me more than I want to admit.
I know.
It happens so fast.
Luke used to love coming here.
Today he gave us a Rolls-Royce.
The one outside is yours? I thought I was gonna be able to meet Mr.
Burt Reynolds! You're lucky.
When Manny goes, you still have Joe.
Yeah, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
We just have face it They're not boys anymore.
They're men.
Luke has a job, and he's dating.
He can serve on a jury.
God, that's terrifying.
I know.
Manny ditched us last night to go drinking.
He thinks I don't know, but I know.
He smelled like a sweaty peppermint.
I saw the pictures that he texted Luke from the strip club.
Is that where Javier took him? Oh.
You did not know that.
I'm sorry.
But it it looked like one of the classier establishments.
The girl that was sitting on Manny's lap had on a really cute top, at at least in the first picture.
The one time that I thought that he was going to be a good father, and he teaches Manny how to be a dog! I'm gonna kill him! Hey, look at me! I'm about to talk to a stranger! (exhales sharply) (slow rock music plays) Oh, yes.
This is it.
This is the one.
Ugh.
It wasn't this depressing last night.
The lunch scene in a strip joint is like a refugee camp with less hope.
Excuse me.
Uh, my friend left some personal belongings here last night.
Anything left behind - goes in the lost and found.
- There we go.
Thank you.
There's a jacket glasses hairpiece, I hope - What about my stuff?! - Nope.
There's a lot of wedding rings in here, though.
Sir, we're in a big hurry.
Have you seen a cap and gown and sash? Man: Gentlemen, put your hands together for Val the Dictorian! (electronica version of "Pomp and Circumstance" plays) She definitely looks like she knows stuff.
(sighs) Credit where credit is due.
She put together a pretty solid act in very little time.
Can you just please help me get my stuff back? Miss? Miss? Val? Hi.
Heh.
Here's the thing.
The gown, everything He actually left them here last night.
Manny: I was having a tête-à-tête with Chyna.
She probably mentioned me.
Hope I didn't lead her on.
See, I'm going to college soon, and I and I don't want any loose ends.
I'm in the middle of my act.
Sure, but the thing is he's got to get it back, so if you could strip a little more in our direction I'm such a screw-up.
Huh.
"Integrity.
" It should say "Perverted Schnapps Maniac.
" (sniffs) Oh, God.
It smells like Miss Dictorian's perfume.
I can't wear this.
I'm a fraud.
No absents? Oh, I've got one big absent my soul.
Manny, you've spent your whole life trying to be perfect, and this is throwing you for a loop I get it.
But if you just look around this room, you'll realize people make mistakes.
You could do way worse than you did last night, and it ain't gonna change a thing.
So my advice try to be a little easier on yourself.
(man wolf-whistling) Thanks, Jay.
Oh, God, there's Chyna.
Pretending to ignore me! She's as transparent as her pumps.
- (applause) - James Earl Carter.
Have you seen my booboo? Ohh! Poor baby! Mwah.
Vice principal: Nicole Ingrid Cortez.
(applause) Can you please move over? I have to kill someone.
Vice principal: Charles Mark Coleson.
I hope that you had fun last night.
Oh, I did.
It was a magical time.
- Lucy Coleson.
- I can't believe that you Me either.
Look at our son over there, eh? - He's perfect.
- Yeah, and then you come along - and you expose him to all this - Me? It was you who exposed him to so many amazing things.
You raised him to be a wonderful man without my help.
Every single thing that is good about him is because of you.
- Henry Coruthers.
- I'm sorry? I'm sorry.
Thank you for being the finest mother to our son.
Hmm? Damn it.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry about earlier.
It's not that I don't want Lily to be like you No, no.
Hey.
You're right, okay? I'm an indecisive mess.
Of course I don't want that for her.
And for the record, I don't want her to be like me, either.
- Ohh! - It's not like I'm exactly an overachiever.
That's true.
Yeah, you jumped on that one pretty quick.
If you care about what I think - I want to skip.
- Vice principal: Jacob Marcus Dalton.
Are you sure, sweetie? Because it's a lot of pressure.
- I can handle it.
- But what about all your friends? - I mean, look at look at these kids.
- Vice principal: Phillip Thomas Darrow.
A lot of them have known each other since kindergarten.
I'll make new friends.
Kids really like me.
So she's popular? Vice principal: Brittany Willa Darrow.
Phil, I'm sorry I gave you grief earlier.
Today has hit me much harder than I thought it would.
It's okay to be emotional.
It's too late.
I'm all cried out.
It's like there's no more moisture left in my body.
I'm afraid if I blink, my eyes will get stuck.
Hmm.
Really? Do you remember that video where the lion greets the man (voice breaking) and hugs him 'cause he hasn't seen him in 20 years? Yep.
I sure do.
I am dead inside.
Vice principal: Manuel Alberto Delgado.
- Bravo, Manny! Baby! - (Javier whistling) - Mwah! - You did it, buddy! Vice principal: Lucas Phillip Dunphy.
Alex: Yeah! - Haley: Whoo! - Claire: My baby, my baby! Well done, son.
(voice breaking) Remember how cute he was in his little Buzz Lightyear costume? (voice breaking) Or how he used to say "burfday" and "Li-bary"? He still does.
This is tearing me up.
Congrats, buddy.
Why does your gown smell like Haley's perfume? Claire: This is a fun game, isn't it? But you know what? Maybe one where we just sat at a table Hey.
Hey.
Congratulations on the first of what I'm sure will be many diplomas.
Unless you want to skip all that and move to Colombia and become a radiologist.
Thanks for helping me with the cap-and-gown mess.
I don't know what I would have done without you.
I'm just happy you and your dad got to have some father-son time last night.
Yeah.
What? - (liquid pours) - It's just with me graduating and everything, I kind of wanted to say you and me today, you know, that's what I think of as father-son time.
Let me tell you something.
After my divorce, my rule for dating was no kids.
And then you and your mom came along, and all of that went right out the window.
What I'm trying to say is here's to you, son.
You know, I'm still kind of hungover.
You're a man now! Power through! The thing is, we love the car.
We were so moved by the gesture.
(voice breaking) So moved.
Hey! I'm back! I guess I just needed to rehydrate.
Ohh.
But we can't keep it.
Honey, it's just it's too generous.
But I love you guys so much.
You're the graduate.
You need the car.
It's yours.
I don't know what to say.
How 'bout "nailed it"? I wanted that sweet ride from the moment I saw it, but I knew my parents would never let me get it.
I also knew they'd never keep it if I gave it to them, so If there were any S.
A.
T.
questions about tricking your parents, I'd be going to college.
Come on, you guys.
Let's roll.
You guys leaving already? - Yeah, we all have plans.
- Cam: Wait.
Lily? There are nine girls who will freak if I don't make an appearance at Jenna's.
I'm confused.
I-is she fun? Hang on.
(mutters) Ooh, nice ride! - Bye-bye! - (engine turns over) - See ya later! - Claire: Bye! - Oh, my Bye! - Bye! Oh, my gosh! Luke is driving! They didn't even stay for dessert! Oh, God.
They're really gone.
It's so sad.
But isn't it what we hoped for? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
A toast.
We raised them to be independent, and now they're out in the world having their own lives.
- We did it.
- (glasses clinking) - Gloria: iSalud! - To us! Oh, sorry I missed the first part, but I'll drink to whatever you're toasting.
Top me off! Um, what are you doing? Well, I'm just trying to see if there's anything else about Lily we haven't noticed.
Like she plays golf? No, we would know.
Aren't there greens fees? - And what about this? - Huh? "La Dolce Vita"? She likes Italian films? Well, no wonder she thought "Ice Age: Collision Course" was boring.
- I liked it.
- What else? (gasps) A photo of Lily shaking hands with the governor?! What? When?! Okay, maybe we need to start paying more attention.
Or if it ain't broke - Yeah, she's fine.
- She's fine.