Mr Pickles (2013) s02e08 Episode Script
Vegans
1 Aah! Ow! Wh why are you killing me?! [Shing!.]
[Panting.]
Mr.
Pickles.
You are a bad dog [Whimpers.]
A very bad dog.
I want you to have dog sex to me! - [Barks.]
- Give it to me, Mr.
Pickles! Give it to me! - Tommy: Pickles! - [Barks.]
Mr.
Pickles! [Whimpers.]
Mr.
Pickles Good boy Dog People's best friend Die Pickles Mr.
Pickles! - Here he comes - There you are! Mr.
Pickles Good boy! S02E08 Vegans [Singsong voice.]
Who wants some bacon and eggs with cheese? Smells yummy! Doesn't it, Mr.
Pickles? Mr.
Pickles? I'm over here.
- What? [Groans.]
- Mr.
Pickles? Mmm, I don't know how you do it.
Oh, you're just saying that.
- Hello.
- Oh? I'm going to need you to close the window when you cook meat or dairy.
Huh? I'm vegan, you see.
Vay-gan? What's that? Vee-gan.
It promotes compassion for animals.
Oh, I love animals.
- [Barks.]
- Oh, don't I, Mr.
Pickles.
Mr.
Pickles, you're supposed to be my dog.
Stay with me! [Whimpers.]
Maybe you should try being a vegan, hm? I'm open to new ideas.
Then you're invited to the vegan headquarters.
I'll send you a limo.
- Uh - See you there.
Hmm.
Oh.
Ahh.
You made it.
I'm excited to be vir-gan.
Vegan.
What's in the bag? Oh, I brought a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.
Orinduthias says I have to take this to the dungeon.
- Who? - He'll change your life.
- Shh! - [Gasps.]
He's coming.
- All: V! - Who? Orinduthias! [Speaking gibberish.]
Or as the ancient vegans used to say hi.
We are here because we are All: Vegan! Vegetarian.
I mean, vegan! Because we All: Care about the animals.
Because we were on the e-mail list I-I mean, because we care about animals.
And we can help others become vegans - All: Also! - Too! I mean, also.
[Speaking gibberish.]
Feast! [Pipe music plays.]
[Laughs.]
Oh, and try this.
Divine root.
It just looks like carrots.
It is.
Is everybody enjoying the feast? It's kind of boring.
[Gasping.]
This vay-gan food isn't bad.
Vee-gan.
But it would be better with meat and cheese on it.
[Gasping.]
We can do that?! We can't do that! I mean, maybe sometimes we're tempted to eat anim - 46 Crest Road.
- What are you doing? Thanks.
Oh, I just ordered a pizza.
- [Gasping.]
- We can do that?! We can't! We are vegan! - I'm a vay-jan, too.
- Vee-gan! That's why I ordered my pizza half vee-jin and half meat and cheese.
You're just not getting it.
You need to see the film.
- [Gasping.]
- Ooh, I love film.
This is really going to change your life.
That film's so scary.
[Moaning.]
So, what's for lunch? I thought you were making lunch.
Me? Tommy, uh, what do you like to cook? I'm 6.
- Hmm.
- Oh, I wish Mom was here.
She'd make us lunch.
Hmm.
[R&B music plays.]
Tommy: Mr.
Pickles! Stay with me! [Whimpers.]
Together: Vegan.
Now you must watch the film.
This is really going to change your life.
Ooh, exciting.
Announcer: The following is footage from a real farm.
- Farm, farm, farm.
- Jim, I'm a non-vagan.
Me too, Fred.
That means the animals have to suffer.
- [Grunts.]
- Ow! No, please.
Stop killing me.
[Grunts.]
Ah! Oh, no! Don't make me suffer! - Ha ha! - Please, don't chew my face off! - Ha ha.
- Stop torturing me! Life sucks making milk all day, but at least you've never slaughtered me.
- [Tires screech.]
- Ow! Why are you running over me with your convertible? Stop it.
I've had enough.
Horrific, I know.
Yes.
There are much nicer ways to kill animals.
- [Gasps.]
- What?! It's never okay to kill animals! But how would you get meat? [Shudders.]
You can't eat meat and dairy and be a vegan! Maybe I can! - Oh! - No! They're two different things! So are knitting and sewing, but I can do both.
Enough! Send her to the dungeon! Orinduthias, I'm really enjoying being va-jan.
[Groans.]
Vee-gan! Uh, I think you're burning it.
I like the black parts.
How's the garlic bread coming? Almost ready.
Uh, can we just go get Mom? [Chuckles.]
Oh, we don't need your mother to cook us lun - [Screams.]
- Quick, everybody get in the fridge! [Classical music playing.]
[Panting.]
Tommy: Mr.
Pickles! - I said stay with me! - [Whimpers.]
Now you will be locked in this cage so you can see what it's like to be a helpless animal.
This is really gonna change your life.
Ooh! Fun.
[Clucking.]
[Groans.]
Lock her in! Time for my hummus bath.
[Grunts.]
I can't get it to lock.
- Oh, here.
- Huh? How are you so strong? See my lunch over there? Bring it to me.
Uh, okay.
You just need more protein.
Protein?! That's just a myth! It does smell good, though.
- [Shudders.]
- What's taking so lo - What?! - [Shudders.]
- No! - Sorry Thank you.
Gee, it's just a sandwich.
First you tell everybody to put meat and cheese on vegan food, then you order a pizza! You missed the point of the film, and now you nearly corrupted a level-eight vegan! No! [Panting.]
Want some of this vray-gan sandwich? Aaaah! We're going to have to perform a ceremony from the times of the ancient vegans, hundreds and hundreds of months ago.
Ooh, I love ceremonies.
[Groaning.]
Vegan! [Sighs.]
Well, this looks like the place.
Both: Yay! Mom's gonna make us lunch.
- Finally.
- [Engine shuts off.]
Hello, I need to pick up my wife so she can make us lunch.
Are you vegan? No, I'm Sagittarius.
Why don't you go to that new diner down the street, you meat-chugging, dairy guzzling bastards! - [Growls.]
- Diner? - Great! - Yay! Let's go, go, go! Mr.
Pickles, stay with me! [Whimpers.]
- Yay! - I'm so hungry! Come on! [Laughs.]
I'm so much better than them [Grunts.]
[Barks.]
[Chanting gibberish.]
All: Vegan! [Chanting continues.]
All: Vegan! Oh! [Laughs.]
Oops.
[Chanting continues.]
All: Vegan! [Wretches.]
[Wretches.]
[Giggles.]
[Wretches.]
Sorry! We are gathered here because we share All: Superior beliefs.
Parking spaces.
Oops! Sorry.
And some people don't respect those - All: Beliefs! - Parking spaces.
Guys, what's going on? And maybe there's All: No way to change their ignorant mind.
Outfit! And maybe those minds must be All: Ve-stroyed! - Killed! - Guys? Raise your eco-friendly animal-product-free hammers! And bleed the ignorance from the unchangeable! All: All hail vegan! Is this the way-gan ceremony? Am I missing it? [Growling.]
- Hey! - [Gasping.]
Did somebody order a vegan pizza? Oh, that's mine, but I ordered half va-jan, half meat and cheese.
What? No.
Whoops! This is all meat and cheese! Guess this one's free.
Is that real meat on there? - Yeah, dude.
- Oh, thanks.
It smells so good.
- That smells like real cheese! - I want a slice! Stop it! We are vay-gans [Grumbles.]
vee-gans.
I can't take it anymore! Give that to me.
- [Shouting.]
- No, it's mine! N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! No, it's mine, back off! [Snarling.]
You, too, you filthy animal.
[Grunts.]
[Opera music playing.]
No, please.
Stop killing me! - Don't make me suffer! - Please don't chew my face off! Stop torturing me! Really? You're making the pizza guy watch the vu-gan film? [Laughs.]
Don't forget about me! [Grunts.]
You animal! You will pay for this! He said the pizza was free.
You! Shut your mouth, you stupid c [Grunts.]
I want some pizza.
Give it to me! Give it to me! Hello? [Panting.]
- [Whimpers.]
- Where are you taking me? [Scoffs.]
I've had enough of this.
I'm the one who ordered the pizza.
- [Lock rattles.]
- Huh? What are you doing here? [Barks.]
Aww, you just wanted a belly rub.
[Giggles.]
[Munching.]
Hi, everybody.
[Grunts.]
There you are, Mr.
Pickles! See what happens when you don't stay with me? I get in all kinds of trouble.
No pickle for you.
[Whimpers.]
Help you, ma'am? Hi, I'm ve-gan, so I'll take a salad and a steak.
Vegan, huh? Well, I'm gluten-free.
Ooh, what's that? [Ominous music plays.]
[Panting.]
Mr.
Pickles.
You are a bad dog [Whimpers.]
A very bad dog.
I want you to have dog sex to me! - [Barks.]
- Give it to me, Mr.
Pickles! Give it to me! - Tommy: Pickles! - [Barks.]
Mr.
Pickles! [Whimpers.]
Mr.
Pickles Good boy Dog People's best friend Die Pickles Mr.
Pickles! - Here he comes - There you are! Mr.
Pickles Good boy! S02E08 Vegans [Singsong voice.]
Who wants some bacon and eggs with cheese? Smells yummy! Doesn't it, Mr.
Pickles? Mr.
Pickles? I'm over here.
- What? [Groans.]
- Mr.
Pickles? Mmm, I don't know how you do it.
Oh, you're just saying that.
- Hello.
- Oh? I'm going to need you to close the window when you cook meat or dairy.
Huh? I'm vegan, you see.
Vay-gan? What's that? Vee-gan.
It promotes compassion for animals.
Oh, I love animals.
- [Barks.]
- Oh, don't I, Mr.
Pickles.
Mr.
Pickles, you're supposed to be my dog.
Stay with me! [Whimpers.]
Maybe you should try being a vegan, hm? I'm open to new ideas.
Then you're invited to the vegan headquarters.
I'll send you a limo.
- Uh - See you there.
Hmm.
Oh.
Ahh.
You made it.
I'm excited to be vir-gan.
Vegan.
What's in the bag? Oh, I brought a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.
Orinduthias says I have to take this to the dungeon.
- Who? - He'll change your life.
- Shh! - [Gasps.]
He's coming.
- All: V! - Who? Orinduthias! [Speaking gibberish.]
Or as the ancient vegans used to say hi.
We are here because we are All: Vegan! Vegetarian.
I mean, vegan! Because we All: Care about the animals.
Because we were on the e-mail list I-I mean, because we care about animals.
And we can help others become vegans - All: Also! - Too! I mean, also.
[Speaking gibberish.]
Feast! [Pipe music plays.]
[Laughs.]
Oh, and try this.
Divine root.
It just looks like carrots.
It is.
Is everybody enjoying the feast? It's kind of boring.
[Gasping.]
This vay-gan food isn't bad.
Vee-gan.
But it would be better with meat and cheese on it.
[Gasping.]
We can do that?! We can't do that! I mean, maybe sometimes we're tempted to eat anim - 46 Crest Road.
- What are you doing? Thanks.
Oh, I just ordered a pizza.
- [Gasping.]
- We can do that?! We can't! We are vegan! - I'm a vay-jan, too.
- Vee-gan! That's why I ordered my pizza half vee-jin and half meat and cheese.
You're just not getting it.
You need to see the film.
- [Gasping.]
- Ooh, I love film.
This is really going to change your life.
That film's so scary.
[Moaning.]
So, what's for lunch? I thought you were making lunch.
Me? Tommy, uh, what do you like to cook? I'm 6.
- Hmm.
- Oh, I wish Mom was here.
She'd make us lunch.
Hmm.
[R&B music plays.]
Tommy: Mr.
Pickles! Stay with me! [Whimpers.]
Together: Vegan.
Now you must watch the film.
This is really going to change your life.
Ooh, exciting.
Announcer: The following is footage from a real farm.
- Farm, farm, farm.
- Jim, I'm a non-vagan.
Me too, Fred.
That means the animals have to suffer.
- [Grunts.]
- Ow! No, please.
Stop killing me.
[Grunts.]
Ah! Oh, no! Don't make me suffer! - Ha ha! - Please, don't chew my face off! - Ha ha.
- Stop torturing me! Life sucks making milk all day, but at least you've never slaughtered me.
- [Tires screech.]
- Ow! Why are you running over me with your convertible? Stop it.
I've had enough.
Horrific, I know.
Yes.
There are much nicer ways to kill animals.
- [Gasps.]
- What?! It's never okay to kill animals! But how would you get meat? [Shudders.]
You can't eat meat and dairy and be a vegan! Maybe I can! - Oh! - No! They're two different things! So are knitting and sewing, but I can do both.
Enough! Send her to the dungeon! Orinduthias, I'm really enjoying being va-jan.
[Groans.]
Vee-gan! Uh, I think you're burning it.
I like the black parts.
How's the garlic bread coming? Almost ready.
Uh, can we just go get Mom? [Chuckles.]
Oh, we don't need your mother to cook us lun - [Screams.]
- Quick, everybody get in the fridge! [Classical music playing.]
[Panting.]
Tommy: Mr.
Pickles! - I said stay with me! - [Whimpers.]
Now you will be locked in this cage so you can see what it's like to be a helpless animal.
This is really gonna change your life.
Ooh! Fun.
[Clucking.]
[Groans.]
Lock her in! Time for my hummus bath.
[Grunts.]
I can't get it to lock.
- Oh, here.
- Huh? How are you so strong? See my lunch over there? Bring it to me.
Uh, okay.
You just need more protein.
Protein?! That's just a myth! It does smell good, though.
- [Shudders.]
- What's taking so lo - What?! - [Shudders.]
- No! - Sorry Thank you.
Gee, it's just a sandwich.
First you tell everybody to put meat and cheese on vegan food, then you order a pizza! You missed the point of the film, and now you nearly corrupted a level-eight vegan! No! [Panting.]
Want some of this vray-gan sandwich? Aaaah! We're going to have to perform a ceremony from the times of the ancient vegans, hundreds and hundreds of months ago.
Ooh, I love ceremonies.
[Groaning.]
Vegan! [Sighs.]
Well, this looks like the place.
Both: Yay! Mom's gonna make us lunch.
- Finally.
- [Engine shuts off.]
Hello, I need to pick up my wife so she can make us lunch.
Are you vegan? No, I'm Sagittarius.
Why don't you go to that new diner down the street, you meat-chugging, dairy guzzling bastards! - [Growls.]
- Diner? - Great! - Yay! Let's go, go, go! Mr.
Pickles, stay with me! [Whimpers.]
- Yay! - I'm so hungry! Come on! [Laughs.]
I'm so much better than them [Grunts.]
[Barks.]
[Chanting gibberish.]
All: Vegan! [Chanting continues.]
All: Vegan! Oh! [Laughs.]
Oops.
[Chanting continues.]
All: Vegan! [Wretches.]
[Wretches.]
[Giggles.]
[Wretches.]
Sorry! We are gathered here because we share All: Superior beliefs.
Parking spaces.
Oops! Sorry.
And some people don't respect those - All: Beliefs! - Parking spaces.
Guys, what's going on? And maybe there's All: No way to change their ignorant mind.
Outfit! And maybe those minds must be All: Ve-stroyed! - Killed! - Guys? Raise your eco-friendly animal-product-free hammers! And bleed the ignorance from the unchangeable! All: All hail vegan! Is this the way-gan ceremony? Am I missing it? [Growling.]
- Hey! - [Gasping.]
Did somebody order a vegan pizza? Oh, that's mine, but I ordered half va-jan, half meat and cheese.
What? No.
Whoops! This is all meat and cheese! Guess this one's free.
Is that real meat on there? - Yeah, dude.
- Oh, thanks.
It smells so good.
- That smells like real cheese! - I want a slice! Stop it! We are vay-gans [Grumbles.]
vee-gans.
I can't take it anymore! Give that to me.
- [Shouting.]
- No, it's mine! N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! No, it's mine, back off! [Snarling.]
You, too, you filthy animal.
[Grunts.]
[Opera music playing.]
No, please.
Stop killing me! - Don't make me suffer! - Please don't chew my face off! Stop torturing me! Really? You're making the pizza guy watch the vu-gan film? [Laughs.]
Don't forget about me! [Grunts.]
You animal! You will pay for this! He said the pizza was free.
You! Shut your mouth, you stupid c [Grunts.]
I want some pizza.
Give it to me! Give it to me! Hello? [Panting.]
- [Whimpers.]
- Where are you taking me? [Scoffs.]
I've had enough of this.
I'm the one who ordered the pizza.
- [Lock rattles.]
- Huh? What are you doing here? [Barks.]
Aww, you just wanted a belly rub.
[Giggles.]
[Munching.]
Hi, everybody.
[Grunts.]
There you are, Mr.
Pickles! See what happens when you don't stay with me? I get in all kinds of trouble.
No pickle for you.
[Whimpers.]
Help you, ma'am? Hi, I'm ve-gan, so I'll take a salad and a steak.
Vegan, huh? Well, I'm gluten-free.
Ooh, what's that? [Ominous music plays.]