Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mammy's Sutra

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humor.
Thank you, London.
Studio stand by.
Ready on the floor.
Sound? Ready and sound.
Lighting? Good to go.
Mrs Brown.
Mrs Brown? Feck off! Stand by titles.
Coming to camera ten.
Good luck everybody and run titles! Welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys live! She's Mrs Brown! That's Mrs Brown.
Police notice.
A man is terrorizing the Finglas area.
He is 7ft seven inches tall carrying a baseball bat.
If he knocks at your door don't call us, do what he feckin' says.
Hello! You're all very welcome to Mrs.
Brown's Boys live.
That mean this can't be edited.
Somebody will be leaving the BBC on Monday.
And it could be Ken the cameraman.
Don't touch anything, Ken.
This camera's not plugged in.
I want to thank the British broadcorping castration for this and radio televisiaaron which is Irish for for radio televisiaron.
For this wonderful opportunity to address my subjects live.
What's the difference between this episode and any other episode? Well for a start they've put one of these in my ear.
That's so they can tell me what to say, and what not to say.
Hello! Now It's not going to happen.
You know, my mother used to say can I Oh! Hello, Dermot, hello, Maria.
- Hi, ma.
Is Buster here? - Buster, no.
Typical.
He was supposed to meet me here at Now.
You look a bit befuddled, son.
- He is.
Yeah I might have to let Buster go.
Oh, no you you've been best friends for years.
It's not easy to let your best friend go.
- No, it's not, but Dermot's the boss and the business is what's important.
But why? Acme frozen foods.
I can see your man boobs there when you did that! This is the most important contract I have ever had.
A year's business and Buster's just not doing the business.
Who is Acme frozen foods? Suppliers of frozen foods throughout the ready meals of convenience market.
Not just fresh frozen but frozen fresh.
Frozen fresh for your freezer.
Famously full of flavour.
Sorry love, what? Suppliers of frozen foods throughout the ready meal and convenience food market.
Not just fresh frozen but frozen fresh.
Fields of fresh food frozen fresh for your freezer.
And famously full of flavour.
Did you understand that? Yeah.
- Yeah, right.
- Did you? - No, what was it? Well, they're suppliers of fresh food, frozen for your freezer.
Yeah, forget it! Well, I suppose that's a big contract, i see.
Oh, now Hello, Mrs Brown! - Hello son.
You're here.
- And I am ready to go.
Buster, did you rehearse? - I am ready.
Show us what you do when you hand out the leaflet.
Be the penguin.
I am, Dermot.
I'm freezing Acme frozen foods available in the freezer section! A fuckin Cuckoo penguin! I'll get the door.
Excuse me.
I don't feel well.
- I know, I rang Dr Flynn and told him.
That could be him now.
You were born not feeling well.
You are never well.
Look at the face on you, Jesus, you look like you are the back of a bus.
You need to get more exercise.
That's what's wrong with you.
Changing channels on the television is not a workout.
I tell you, your main problem is you are a lazy Fare! Father Hello.
Come in Father Damien, come in.
Hello, grandad.
He is not the doctor! - No, it's a priest.
It's worse than we thought.
I feel great.
I bet you do.
Father Damien, can I get you a cup of tea? - No thanks Mrs Brown, I popped in to ask a favour.
- What can I do for you? You know Mr Cunningham.
The scout master.
- Exactly.
Yes, I do see him there down in a scouts every once i a while.
He is heading away to the world scout conference Oh, Bangkok again.
You don't know what they get up to they, do we? Sorry? - The devils.
The Devils, yeah.
Devils Anyway, he needs someone He asked me Tell you what, why don't you go back to that bit again.
You know I got excited and I improvised.
I won't be doing that again! You know what, he needs someone to step in for him this week.
He gave me a list of possible leaders to ask and I wanted to know would you do it? How many is on the list? - 26.
And you came to me first.
- Yes, of course.
No problem father, you leave it to me.
Dib-dib-dib.
Follow me Left to right.
Left to right! Hello, Father Damien.
The sermon this morning was lovely.
Thank you, Maria.
I always found the letters of St Paul to be very inspiring.
- Father, it was just a comment, not a review.
You will have a cup of tea? - No, thanks, Mrs Brown.
I have an appointment in Monkstown and I don't even know how to get there.
I know where the Monkstown is.
- Really? Whats the quickest way to get there? Are you driving or walking? - Driving.
Yeah, that's the quickest way.
Father Damien, how come you never smell of fish? You know why.
- I tell you why I will tell you why.
Rory says he sees you out trawling all the time.
You never smell of fish.
Never.
The thing is - Maybe you Maybe you are using the wrong bait.
I am indeed.
What do you find you get, crabs is it? Sometimes I go for crabs Father Damien has asked me to step into the Boy Scout troop for the week.
Just to knock into shape, you know.
I don't know about that Don't you worry.
You are in good hands.
Good then.
Tweets on the Trust fall.
What's a trust fall? Close your eyes.
Stay rigid and just fall, but trust me to catch you.
I wouldn't trust you to catch a bucking cold.
Dermot, you catch her.
You trust Dermot, don't you? - With all my heart.
Stand over here.
Close your eyes.
Stay rigid.
- Yes, I am.
When you are ready, just fall and trust Dermot to catch you.
Oh, now, I am nervous.
- Don't worry, mammy, I'll catch you.
OK, love.
Go! I'll let myself out! Go.
Go!! Doing your workout, Agnes? Yes, I was just warming up for me weights.
Do you want to spot me? Do you want a cup of tea, Winnie? - Yes, please, I am gasp for a cupa.
That Church was freezing this morning.
Maria was down there as well what had you down on a Saturday morning? It was a memorial mass for Quinn's husband.
He is dead five years now.
Five years? Jesus That flew in, didn't it? - Didn't it just.
God love poor Lily.
She looked really sad.
- Oh, that's sad.
She blames herself for his death.
She did fucking shoot him.
I suppose.
Are you all right? - No, I am not feeling great, Agnes.
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
One minute I am hot then I am cold and hot again and then itchy.
Itchy? Itchy where? In bed.
I am sorry to hear that.
You should go down to the doctor and get that checked out.
No, Sharon is going to check that on the internet.
- Don't do that.
I know somebody did that and died of a misprint.
You might be right, Agnes.
I am going to pop down and see Dr Flynn right now.
- You do love.
And tell him everything.
- I will.
Oh, don't be worrying about Winnie.
Winnie's a hyper chrondiac.
Somebody gets a cold and Winnie feckin' sneezes.
Who was that? - It was Winnie.
Do you want a cup of tea, Cathy? Please.
She's gone down to the doctor.
Says she's not well.
Yeah, Sharron said something about that last night.
I hope it's nothing serious.
Serious, what do you mean? Well, a fever.
Chills.
Skin irritation.
Sounds like nothing I have heard of.
Sounds like a derange.
She's not barking as used to Hello you two.
- Hi ma.
Hello son.
Cup of tea, Mark? - No, I am on my way into work.
Right then, I'll see you later? Sure.
Right, see you.
- Bye.
Would you like a cup of tea, Betty? - No, thanks.
Go.
What? Go.
What?! Just go.
Me? Go? - Yes! But i live here.
Right then I'm off to the scout shop.
- The scout shop? To get a few things.
Tell Bono I will be bringing him down to the scouts myself this week.
He will be thrilled.
Out of the way, Rory.
Mammy? - What? Mammy, have you got a few minutes to talk? - Rory, no, we're live.
Mammy, I have an idea.
Rory, no! L i f e! Live, come on.
Mammy Rory, don't push me on this, I haven't time, I have to get changed for the next scene.
But mammy Shut up, here, hold them knickers! Here, no goodbye kiss.
Everything all right with you and Mark? What do you think of that? I want to get it.
Wow.
What an amazing bedroom.
Which part are you looking to get? All of it.
All of it? Looks expensive.
That's what Mark said too.
But take a good look at it most is carpentry.
He is a carpenter.
Cathy, we have been in business now for two years.
We are doing all right.
We deserve a treat.
This is a treat.
Well, i don't know what to tell you.
The Brown men can be pretty stubborn.
Not half as stubborn as Johnny Cogh here, except when it comes to sex.
You're not making the effort, Buster.
You have to be the penguin.
I am, what do you want me to do? Start pissing ice cubes? Don't get smart.
Try again.
That's a chicken! That's a goat.
Jesus That seat is taken, son.
Jesus, Agnes, it's yourself.
Are you going to a fancy dress? - No, I'm helping out Bono's scout group for free nights this week.
Fair play, that's a lovely thing to do.
- It's easy.
I'd play games with them and every 20 minutes I give them a smoke break.
I'd gave them a bags if they'd rolled them on their own.
Thanks Sharon.
I'd finished my jigsaw.
- Well done.
How long did it take? - Two months.
Two months Is that not a bit long for a jigsaw? No, on the box, it says two to four years How did you get on at the doctor? He said I've got nothing to worry about.
- Good.
I'm just getting a stroke.
What?! No wait, I'm getting a flu.
It was a Sharon who said it was a stroke from the Internet.
Of course she would.
Anyway, I'm going for a second opinion.
- Good girl.
What doctor? - She's not a doctor, she is a spiritualist and a healer.
Winnie, don't start that shite.
No Agnes, this one is really good.
She helped the police find a body, what do you call that? A feckin' suspect.
I'm sorry to hear about Mark and Betty having Having what? Bedroom problems.
Who told you that? Sharon.
Cathy was telling her.
I thought Betty was bit quiet this morning alright.
That's nothing to worry about, Agnes.
It is something to worry about Winnie.
If a woman bubbles about sexdrive.
People die! Small animals get nervous.
Did you ever have to bottle it up? - God, no.
My Redser could do it twice.
I liked him in December, was his best.
You should've heard the noise he made when he was having an organism.
Woke me up every time.
And I was downstairs.
You know, when he was making love, used to go My Jacko was really good at it.
Yes, he was What? I said, that's nice.
You know something, you are better off leaving it to Mark and Betty, to soot, to sort it out themselves.
So, I will soot it sort it out, yeah.
I have no doubt that Mark and Betty, would be able to soot it out themselves.
But, you know maybe with a little bit of help.
EASTENDERS THEME Sorry, it's my feckin' ringtone.
It's the director.
Hello, Ben.
I wasn't supposed to? That's why I took out the feckin' radio mic.
Rory, I know you're upset that mammy wouldn't listen.
She wouldn't! When I tried to talk to her, she said to me hold me knickers.
Well, I'm listening.
Thanks Cathy.
What we need to do is keep a level head and discuss this in a calm way, agreed? Agreed.
- Agreed! Right then, Dino, why don't you start.
The owner of the salon Wash & Blow I know.
Well, The Ona has decided to sell up and retire to Spain and Oh, I'm too excited! Take it, Rory.
Well he's offered to let me and the Dino do a management buyout.
It's really exciting.
Way to go guys.
Am i interrupting something I should have been invited to? No.
Director's meeting, mammy.
Who are the directors? Me and Dino.
I wouldn't let you direct traffic up a one-way street.
Mammy! And you, Dino I don't like the way you speak to my son.
I saw the note you left.
Don't forget to pay the rent, boy.
OK, boys.
The essence of good business is preparation.
Fail to prepare, them prepare to fail them.
Melt Mount the rampant stallion.
The first thing you have to look at, is cost and income.
Come on, horsey! Right then, that's rent, electric, rates, wages, stock Allow 504 miscellaneous? Who is she? You know, lads I think, with 10,000, you could do this.
Really? Where are we going to get that? Feck it, will get it somewhere.
Watch me! Blow me! What is going on here? Mammy, me and Dino are taking over the Wash & Blow.
Under new management Wash And Blow.
I wash.
- And i And you keep your fucking mouth shut.
Right then, first things first A business plan.
Right, let's get back to the apartment and start working on it.
- Right.
Hold on.
Rory Sit down, I want to talk to you.
Sit down.
Rory, have you seen Mrs Murphy's pussy? There is a photograph of it down in the post office.
It is fucking huge! I don't know what she is shoving into it, but it is more than kittyca It's been missing for five days.
She says she let it out for wee and it couldn't get back in.
Cause her flap was frozen Rory should drop in his way down.
You're in early Maria.
- Thanks Sharon.
I was hoping to meet Dermot when he finishes the work.
Speaking of devil Hey love.
- Hiya! Hiya Maria! Dermot, I'm just going for a jets.
Well, was he any better today? He's trying but I leave you to do what you have to do.
Right, Dermot? That was quick.
It was just a fart.
Sharon two pints when you are ready, please.
Listen, Buster We need to talk.
Go ahead, I'm all ears.
Where? Not really, because penguins don't have ears That is why I never got it when you see them on Christmas cards with earmuffs on Buster, stop.
Now listen Agnes look Look at them two old days, out for a drink.
That will be us in ten years' time Winnie, that's a fuckin' mirror.
Mammy, could I just have a minute.
LIVE Rory! Feck off! Betty, who is that on the front of your magazine? Holli Willoughby.
Holli Willoughby? She's beautiful.
Do you think? I do.
- Oh, i don't know Take away the blue eyes, the blonde hair and the figure and what have you got? You! Or farlicus faint.
Betty would you tell Mark when he gets a chance, I want to have an adult chat with him.
Sure.
You all right, Maria? I'm just worried about Dermot.
It's not easy for him.
What's not easy? He's firing Buster.
- Oh no, why? Dermot has a really big contract and Buster isn't up for a scratch.
Can Dermot not work with him and get him up on scratch? He can't.
He has eight other staff now he can't take the chance.
He has to show leadership.
Business is business.
Is it Betty, is business always just business? - Ay.
Open the window in there when you are finished.
You know, I remember when Dermot was just starting of it was just him and the Buster.
How much did Dermot pay to Buster for those first weeks? He didn't pay him.
We couldn't afford to pay him, not then.
Just as well business wasn't business back then, isn't it? Excuse me Here, Agnes I went to that spiritualist.
Right, and? What did she say? - She said She said, I had the flu.
What was the cure? She told me to go to the doctor.
She's amazing.
I can't believe it I just can't believe it.
Dermot wait - Maria, leave this to me.
Maria, I can't believe it.
Buster, look.
It's a mistake.
No! You can't take it back now.
What? Supervisor I've never been promoted before.
Promoted?! Yeah and Dermot said it was all your idea.
Thanks, Maria.
No problem, Buster.
Sharon, two more pints when you are ready, please! And they are on me.
Hi, Cathy.
- Hi, Betty! Hey Cathy.
- Hiya Mark.
Mammy said she wanted to talk to me.
And i want to talk to her Is she here? - She is in the sitting room, with Winnie, watching television.
I think it's Game Of Thrones.
Mammy? Mammy!! We're just flicking through the stations! Just clicking through the stations, yeah.
Bono was given this to bring home from school.
It's from a school trip.
What does it say? We would ask you not to allow Mrs Brown attend on a scout meetings again.
Agnes, what did you do? Nothing, I just gave a scouts a few tips.
A few tips? Was one of your tips never pay a stripper upfront? Mammy? It was a metaphor.
- A metaphor? Yes! - A metaphor for what? Never pay a prostitute - Mammy! Do you want tea, Betty? Ay, Cathy.
I meant well, Mark.
Winter is coming.
Whatever mammy.
You wanted a chat with me.
Oh, yes Winnie, off home with you.
This is a family business.
What channel it Winnie go home.
Just go.
Sit down, son.
Well? Yeah Well How are you? I'm grand.
Yeah Got something on your mind, or Are you stressed? No.
Mark, I heard on the grapevine that you and Betty are having a bed problems.
For god sake Who told you that? Mark, my sources are Sharon McCoogan.
It's not a big deal.
- It is a big deal, son, I've seen marriages fail over these things.
It's not that serious It's just a really Timing.
Timing? There is no problem putting it in.
But I wanted to wait until I was a bit slacker.
Slacker? I haven't looked at it closely.
I'm not even sure if it will fit.
Your father had to use a watchers.
I didn't know it meant that much to Betty.
- Exc! You know what? I'm going to bring her home right now and get started on her.
Right, Betty, come on, you and me are going home now to do some measuring in the bedroom.
To see which it fits where.
- Really, the whole thing? Yeah and see if I can get it in.
Come on, mammy.
- Oh Cathy Cathy, things have changed since my day.
But mammy, as long as Betty gets what she wants I think she's going to get a bit more than she fecking bargained for.
Well, there you are.
Just another episode of Mrs Brown's Boys.
Nothing's changed, same old well, we've got a new producer, who's very young.
Brett is up there, feeding him now.
And they're both enjoying it.
Now, was just a normal episode, you know, Rory can't get a word in, Buster can't do a bird sound.
Cathy can't get a man And Mark, it seems can't get it all in.
You know You know, Kieran in here! You know a lot of people thought this was going to be just a half an hour of bad language.
Fuck sake.
You know, the older I get, the more I see this world is becoming disposable disposable nappies, disposable cell phones disposable governments, even disposable banks.
It just doesn't seem like there is anything that you can depend on any more.
Let me tell you this if you ever feel lonely, or a bit down turn on the television and flick the comedy.
Have yourself a good laugh.
From Dad's Army to Fawlty Towers, Only Fools And Horses we'll be there you can depend on that.
Agnes Brown, out.
Mammy What, Rory? - Can we talk now? Oh yes love.
We're off the air.
What do you want? Mammy, I need ten grand.
You can fuck off.