Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mammy's Break

1 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
She's Mrs Brown Agnes That's Mrs Brown Agnes Our Mrs Brown.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Ooh, ooh Eh, eh, eh, eh Ooh, ooh Eh, eh, eh, eh Ooh, ooh Heh heh heh.
La, la, la, la La, la, la, la Hello.
You know, I always feel such a sense of joy this day, every year.
It's my anniversary! 27 years this year.
Good morning, Winnie.
Good morning! Happy anniversary! Thank you, love.
Do you know, it only seems like yesterday.
I know! I was behind you as you walked down that aisle.
And I looked past ya and I could see your Redser in front of the altar in the coffin.
Weren't the flowers beautiful? Oh, yeah.
I think I'll treat meself this year.
A party? No, a trip away somewhere.
Nowhere grand, you know, just maybe Galway or the Isle of Man.
Galway Races are on next week.
That's right, Winnie.
I could do that.
Hiya, Mammy.
Hello, son.
How are you, Mrs McGoogan? Hiya, Rory.
You look very down, love.
What's wrong? Did Take That break up again? Oh Mammy, don't say that! I'd ride that Gary Barlow.
Did I say that out loud? Yes! It's poor Dino.
He hates living in that hotel since he lost his bedsit.
Last week you said that you already had an apartment.
But that's what we thought.
Now the owner is saying he's not sure if we can have it for a couple of weeks.
If it's only two weeks, he can stay here.
With Dermot gone there's plenty of room.
Really? Yes! Oh, that'd be fabulous! Is that the time already? I'd better go.
And Rory, tell Dino I'll do that thing for him.
What's Winnie doing for Dino? I'm not sure, I wasn't really listening.
And Mammy, to thank you I'm going to do something really special for ya.
Oh, no, no.
There's no need Well, yeah I'm going to go in and ring Dino now and tell him.
Do you know, I knew this was going to happen.
Jimmy Gennochi said it would.
Who the Jesus is Jimmy Gennochi? The psychic! He's amazing.
I ring his psychic line once a week.
He sees dead people.
He sees gobshites with credit cards! Hello.
Is that Saint Mary of the Universe, Home for the Bewildered? Sorry, Elderly.
I'm enquiring about the cost of putting a man in there for two weeks.
Yes, well, I Yes, I'll hold.
Winnie, I'm on hold.
I'm trying to find somewhere to put the man that God forgot when I have me break.
Put the kettle on.
Hello, yes? I was speaking to one of your colleagues Yes, concerning the financial Yes, I'll hold.
Spend me feckin' day on hold! Hello, yes.
Well, no, what I was trying to How long am I on hold? Well, let me see I was ringing about putting somebody into your home.
But actually, I've been so long on hold he's fuckin' dead! That's the fourth home I've called this morning.
I can't believe the prices they're charging.
For that kind of money, he can go to Galway, I'll stay in the fuckin' home.
Why? How much? Too much! I'll never get away for this feckin' trip! Of course you will! Someone will take him for two weeks.
Not me! I mean, I would, but Jacko could come out of hospital any day, Agnes.
Of course he could.
I can't believe the price they charge.
You know, the Heaven's Gate home is cheap.
But that's because they found Legionnaires disease there.
Did they? Grandad, pack your feckin' bags! It's Bonanza Construction! What do you want? Right, Mrs Brown, it's time to pick your sink and your taps.
Am I on some kind of budget here? Doesn't matter what the price says, you pick out whichever one you want.
Oh, I like that one.
No, not that one.
That's a nice one.
No, they're very unreliable.
An unreliable sink? Well, you wouldn't want an unreliable sink.
No, you wouldn't.
What about that one? No.
That one? Nah.
That one? What about that one? Now, you'd think that one was good, but they suffer from tin worm.
Tin worm.
Which one would you recommend? Well, now, it's up to you.
Keep looking.
What about this one here? The one with the big red circle round it and the X beside it? Great choice! Right, Buffalo Bill, unload the sink.
You'll like it, Mrs Brown, it's a lovely sink.
I'm sure it will be fine.
I'll tell Billy the Kid, the plumber.
When you going to start this job? Well, I have Jesse James the spark starting Friday.
And we'll be in to do the wiring first thing on Monday.
I'll see ya.
Jesse James? They're all very peculiar names! There's a lot of cowboys in this business, Mrs Brown.
Ye-ha! I can't believe he did that fuckin' joke! You know, it's a pity Dr Flynn can't sort something out for Grandad for a couple of weeks.
Jesus, Winnie, you might have something there.
I think I need to call me a doctor! And I've been very tired in the mornings, you know? What with looking after Grandad.
Patient, Agnes Brown.
Age? Fine.
Everybody needs a break, I suppose.
Especially when you're looking after Grandad.
Weight? 145 pounds.
That's cos I'm run down, you know, looking after Grandad.
175 pounds.
Height? 5 foot 10.
5 foot 3.
I do shrink in me sleep, that's cos of the stress.
I need to take your pressure, Mrs Brown.
I knew this was coming.
You see, what I think Oh, I'm sorry.
What I could really do with is Grandad going into hospital for a couple of weeks' respite care.
Respite care's only given to the really needy.
I'm really needy.
I'm really needy of a weeky breaky.
Your blood pressure's quite high.
Are you surprised? I was tall and slim before you got here.
Now I'm a fat fuckin' midget! I'll give you something to take that down.
What I really need is a holiday, away from Grandad.
Mrs Brown, the department would come out and test Grandad.
They'd see that he doesn't need special care.
What kind of tests? Well, they test him for dementia Dementia, that's the one! Get them down to test him.
But he's not demented.
Get them down to test him! Fine, but I'm telling you now, he won't qualify.
You leave that to me, doctor.
By the time they get here, he'll be as mad as a fuckin' brush.
We're here! Hello, boys.
Oh, Mrs Brown, thanks very much for allowing me to stay.
No problem, Dino.
I didn't know you were homeless.
If I'd known, I would have invited you a lot sooner.
Aw! Dino! Oh, Rory! Oh, Dino! Oh, Jesus! What the Good morning, Mrs Brown! What's all this? I've prepared a little breakfast for you.
You've a long day ahead, so I thought I'd treat you.
Breakfast for me? I haven't had breakfast cooked for me ever! Well, today's the day.
Sit yourself down, now.
Thank you very much, son.
What's this shit? I mean what is this? It's Eggs Florentine.
A lightly poached egg with creamed spinach and a hollandaise sauce on a grilled crouton.
Very good! Toast.
Right, I'm off.
Toast! Toast! Spinach for fuckin' breakfast? Morning, Mammy.
You just missed Heston Blumenthal.
Ah, Mammy, Dino's just trying to be nice.
I appreciate that, but this is my kitchen.
Let him be feckin' nice somewhere else.
Do you want a cup of tea, love? With a crouton? Just tea.
Did you sleep all right, love? Oh yeah lovely! Will you tell Dino to stop making that bed? My God, you'd think he never slept in it.
Morning, Mrs McGoogan.
Rory, tell Dino I'll be there on time.
Six o'clock.
Er, yeah, right, I'll tell him.
I'd better be off.
Bye! What about your feckin' tea? Winnie, get yourself tea, will you? All right.
I have to get Grandad ready for his test.
What test? The testers coming to test him for the home.
It's like a quiz.
Oh, I love quizzes.
That's nice.
Now Grandad, when the tester gets here tomorrow and he asks you a question, what are you've to do? Get right answers.
Is correct.
And if you get the wrong answers, he'll Shoot me? With a big gun! Now, I've asked around and the first question they always ask is, "What is the highest mountain in the world?" Everest.
No, it's the Amazon! The Amazon's a river! Look how confused you are! Why don't I ask Winnie? Winnie, what's the tallest mountain in the world? What you said it was, Agnes.
That's right! Now, Grandad, question two - "What singer is famous for the moonwalk?'" Michael Jackson.
Neil Armstrong! Winnie? Neil Armstrong.
Neil Armstrong.
Oh, right answer! There you go.
Yum, yum, yum.
And the prize? A week in Galway for me! Here we go, Mrs Brown.
A cider for you and a gin and tonic for Mrs McGoogan.
Winnie, where is she? She's on her way.
Oh, she was a fantastic model.
Model? What do you mean, model? In the hairdressing competition.
Winnie was my model.
It's a pity Rory wasn't in it.
I could have been his model.
Oh, he was, Mrs Brown.
And he did have a model.
Jesus, I hope Winnie doesn't end up looking like a feckin' badger.
Winnie's out there finding a feckin' nest! So, where did you park your motorbike? It looks like you've combed it up from under your arms.
Agnes, darling.
Well, what do you think? I've seen better hairstyles on an elephant's testicles.
How are ya, Mammy? Oooh! So, who won your competition? Rory did! Congratulations.
Yes, we did.
Though we weren't up against much.
I'll just go up and get us a drink, Dino.
I would have been a good model! Well, Rory said you didn't qualify.
What do you mean, I didn't qualify? Well, you probably have to have a thick growth like mine.
No, the category was Hairstyles for Seniors.
Ooh! Was it, now? I love you, son.
Oh, thank God.
And Mammy Yes, love.
Remember I said I was going to do something special for you? Oh, now you don't Well, yes, you did.
Well, Cathy's at home waiting and so's your surprise! Well, what are we doing here? Come on, let's get home! They're on their way.
I've never taken part in one of these before, Mr Gennochi.
Cathy, you'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
I wonder how Mammy's going to take it.
There is nothing frightening about the spirit world, nothing! It's not the spirit world I'm worried about! I can't wait for this feckin' surprise! Shit, we've been robbed! No, Mammy! Remember the psychic I told you about? Psychic, my arse! Con man, you mean? Mammy, he's not a con man.
He's a con man, or a charlatan or a feckin' nutcase! And he's he's in my feckin' sitting room! Did he hear me? We all heard ya! Why didn't you fuckin' tell me? Oh! Aargh, aargh! Hello, how do you do? Mrs Brown, I don't know how much Rory has told you.
Do you not? And you're supposed to be a psychic! Well, he asked me to come here tonight to try and contact your late husband Redser.
Not going to happen, love.
Mumbo jumbo, the whole feckin' lot of it, mumbo jumbo! That is a shame, Mrs Brown, because you're much admired in the spirit world.
Much loved as a mother, but I won't waste your time.
Well, I mean seeing as how you're here, we could always have a short go.
Are you sure? Well, I don't want to disappoint my fans in the spirit world.
Let me dim the lights.
It's not the London Palladium, love.
On or off, take your fuckin' pick.
Rory, get the lights.
Rory, come to the light.
Now, can we all Please, can we all just hold hands.
Who's that beside me? It's me, Agnes.
Agnes, that's not my hand you're holding.
Now, I want us all to close our eyes and concentrate on those who are no longer with us.
Close your eyes! You close your eyes! I close my eyes when you close yours.
Now, close your eyes! What are you now, the eye inspector? Close your fuckin' Aargh! What the Is he all right? Never mind him, I just wet me knickers! I sense I sense a presence in this house.
Somebody who refuses to pass over to the spirit world.
That's you, Grandad! Mammy! Sorry.
Speak to us.
Is there anyone out there? Speak to us! That was definitely you, Grandad! Agnes, it's me! It's your husband, Redser.
I don't believe it! Even in the spirit world, he's pissed! Mammy, don't give him such a hard time! Agnes, do you miss me? Mammy! I'm fuckin' thinking.
I'm off, so No, Daddy, don't go.
Who's that? Who's that? It's your daughter, Cathy.
And Rory's here, as well.
Hiya, Daddy! Ah, Rory! Have you found yourself a nice little wife? What? Boyfriend, and his name is Dino.
Ah, good for you, Cathy, and give my love to the rest of the family.
Give it to Mark and Trevor and Dermot and Liam Who the fuck is Liam? I'd better go now, but I'll see you soon, Agnes.
Yeah, right, goodbye Wait! What do you mean soon? How soon? Agnes, they're telling me up here that I'll be reunited with my loved one tomorrow night at 11 o'clock.
Tell me this is some kind of feckin' joke! I gotta go! I think he's fuckin' gone! Redser, Redser! Redser! Cathy, get the light.
Red Hello? He fuckin' hung up.
Did you hear that, Rory? Did you hear that? It's terrible! He thought Cathy was married to Dino! Not that! Oh, yeah, right.
But Mammy, I thought you didn't believe in any of that stuff.
You're right, I don't.
I don't believe in that crap! Of course not, Mrs Brown.
I mean, nobody actually believes you're going to die at 11 o'clock tomorrow night.
OK, folks, two to one, she croaks.
Two to one! Two to one, they're good odds.
Free crabs, get your free crabs! Free I tripped.
If what Jimmy Gennocchi says is true, I'm going to die in five minutes.
No, you're not.
That clock is fast.
It's 20 minutes.
Oh, no, wait Me watch has stopped.
It is five minutes.
Four and a quarter.
Winnie, spare me the fuckin' countdown.
Probably not going to die at all, Agnes.
I'm not going to die.
I mean, you're not that old.
I'm not that old.
You seem in good shape.
I'm in great shape.
And Foley's is a safe place to be.
It is a safe place to Sorry! You know, I know I'm not going to die.
Cos if I was going to die, my whole family would be here tonight.
How could you possibly die? Yeah.
Unless from a heart attack or a stroke, or a brain haemorrhage, which is basically a stroke.
Winnie! Sorry! I'm just making the point that we never know when death is going to tap us on the shoulder.
Or maybe this whole thing is a big feckin' mistake? Aargh! Is she gone? No! Can I have a word with you, Mrs Brown? Make it a quick one, son.
Winnie, get me a pint.
Well, I'll get you half a pint, Agnes.
Pint it is.
I just want to thank you for letting me stay.
And being so understanding! Yeah, whatever.
And Dino, you don't have to make that bed every day, really.
It looks like you haven't even slept in it.
I haven't.
What do you mean? Where do you sleep? In Rory's bed.
And where does Rory sleep? In Rory's bed.
We sleep together.
Aargh! I'm fine.
Oh, for fuck's sake! It's just a shock, I'm fine.
Where's the body? Too early! Please don't take me yet, Lord.
I know this is the time when Redser is to be reunited with his loved one.
Aargh! His loved one! The bastard! Aargh! The double bastard! Aargh! The triple bastard! Aargh! Well, that explains Rory! Crabs? Yes.
Apparently Mr Foley gave away the crabs that he didn't sell during the crab festival.
Seven cases of food poisoning.
Pretty bad too.
I'm just glad I'm alive.
Come on, let's go and see Grandad's health inspector.
Be gentle with him, he tends to get confused.
I'll leave you, doctor.
Thank you, doctor.
Thank you, doctor.
Goodbye, doctor.
Goodbye, doctor.
Goodbye, doctor.
It's like fuckin' Holby City in here.
You need not be anxious, Grandad.
Nobody's going to make you uncomfortable.
I'm glad to hear that, cos he's been a bit jumpy lately.
Aargh! Alien! It's an alien! Grandad, do you know who that is behind me? Frankenstein.
You know, this might be better if I spoke to Grandad without you here.
I'll be upstairs.
I have his bag ready, just in case.
Alien! Alien! Now, Grandad, I just want you to relax, while I ask you some questions.
Don't shoot me! What is the highest mountain in the world? I know this one.
The Amazon.
No, it's the Amazon.
Grandad, the head of the British royal family is called Queen Jemima! Sorry, don't mind me.
Actually, why don't you sit down and join us? Oh, thank you.
Now, Grandad, who is the black singer famous for the moonwalk? Jackson.
Neil Armstrong.
Question four Question 20.
In the Bible, what was the name of Joseph the carpenter's very famous, mystical son? A carpenter, you say? Mystical son's name.
I have it.
Pinocchio! That's him gone for a couple of weeks! What the fuck are you doing here? And where's Winnie? I thought I heard Winnie down here.
Where did you get all that money? I had a tenner on you to live.
Each way! Do you know, I learn something new every day.
For instance, you should never judge anything, never mind a book, by its cover.
I thought that psychic was the real thing.
But he's not, I'm alive! And I thought Rory was cheating on me with Hillary and he wasn't.
And the health tester thought Winnie was off her rocker and she's not Well, not much.
And gambling is a mug's game.
Right, I'm off for me week to the Galway Races! Are you coming or what? Good night!