Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - Christmas Specials 2015: 2. Mammy's Widow's Memories

1 (SHE LAUGHS) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Our Mrs Brown.
Hello! I'm just in the middle of tidying the house.
You see, in two days' time it'll be the 25th anniversary of my Redser passing.
Lord rest him.
And Father Damien is coming over to do a little memorial ceremony and a blessing.
- Morning, Mammy.
- Morning, chicken.
Big sausage! You better believe it, Cathy.
Shut up, Buster! (DERMOT LAUGHS) Here, why don't you measure his IQ? Very funny.
OK, height is 71 inches.
Here, what are those two up to? Oh, Dermot's helping Buster fill out some form for a dating site.
Some hope! Well, at least he's trying.
And what's that supposed to mean? Well, Cathy, in fairness, the refrigerator light has gone out more than you have in the last two months.
Thanks for that, Mammy.
Sometimes I can't believe my ears.
I know, I should have taped them back when you were a baby.
Ohh! Well, some man will be glad of them someday.
Now, where was I? Redser - yes! You know, losing a husband is difficult, in my case nearly impossible.
My grandmother was a really tough woman.
She buried two husbands and one of them was only asleep! Right, date of birth? 16th of October.
What year? Every year! What year were you born? Oh, right, sorry.
Well, me da' was five years older than me ma when they got married, and he was born in 1955, but me ma was pregnant with me before they were married, and that was the year her ma, my nan, got the shingles.
- So, 1988.
- Huh! Who's a clever sausage? (SHE LAUGHS) - Occupation.
- Bitta this, bitta that! - That won't do.
You're working for me part time so I'll put down marketing, er Tool.
Operative.
Marketing operative.
Why don't you put down thief? Mrs Brown, I've gone straight ish.
Well, put down thief-ish.
And carpenter's assistant.
Mark said he has a bit of work for me.
A big contract.
Yes, and you keep your hands to yourself on that contract.
It's important to Mark.
I don't want anything going missing-ish.
Mammy, are you ever going to give Buster a chance? Of course! Ish.
OK "Have you tried any other internet sites looking for a date?" Red Hot Amateurs, Triple X Videos .
.
and Grannies Run Wild With Their Teeth Out.
- Buster! - No.
OK, that's it.
I'm getting excited now.
Imagine, Mrs Brown, there's some girl out there that doesn't even know that all her dreams are going to come true.
Here, Ma, here's a sample of some hot dogs.
Oh, here, son, put on your bun.
It's cold out there.
Oh, yeah.
Like a family album! Buster Brady going out on an internet date.
See you, Ma.
- See you, love.
- Love you, Mrs Brown! Some girl is about to meet Buster Brady and find out that two billion years of evolution was a waste of fuckin' time.
This is my favourite part of the day, you know, sitting down with a bit of peace and quiet, dunking a few digestives.
Feckin' one left! - Howya? - Hello, Rory, love.
Cup of tea, love? Yeah.
Freeze! Step away from the digestive.
Mammy, do you know one of the main causes of divorce? Marriage.
No, boredom.
How do you keep the spice in a relationship? Be unpredictable, love.
- Your father and I used to make love in the dark all the time.
- Oh? So one night when he was lying in the bed with the light on, I walked into the bedroom stark naked, wearing nothing but a smile.
In a sexy voice I said to him .
.
"What can I do for you, Redser?" And what did he say? "Turn off the fuckin' light.
" Thanks, Mammy! Unpredictable.
Yeah! "Puppies looking for a nice home.
"Half German Shepherd and half sneaky neighbour's dog.
" Shit! (MUSIC: My Heart Will Go On) So you just wanted to be unpredictable? (MUFFLED SPEECH) Oh, for God's sake, Rory, take out the ball! I'd miss Jacko, you know, if he was gone.
That's nice.
I wonder what your Redser would be doing if he was still alive today? Probably trying to get out of that fuckin' coffin.
- Howya, Cathy? - Hiya, Winnie.
Friday night, I thought you'd be out on a date.
Hey! Do you want a drink? - Ah, yes.
I'll have a glass of wine.
- Red or white? - What's the red wine called? - Er, red.
Fine.
- Who's your man over there? - I don't know.
I've never seen him in here before.
Rory Brown, are you unpredictably checking him out? No, but he's certainly interested in our Cathy.
That is so kind.
What vintage is this? July.
Hello, Mark, could I have a quick word? Sure, Mr Gibney.
Is there a problem with the job? The job is great.
You didn't come across a watch when you were in the house, did ya? No.
Why, are you missing one? It's worth a couple of thousand, it was a present from the wife.
I'm sure I probably left it down somewhere.
I'm always doing that.
No worries, just thought I'd ask.
Thanks.
I'm telling you now, Mark.
Buster would never do that to YOU.
That's a nice watch, Mr Foley.
Yeah, I bought if off Buster Brady.
Just thought you'd be off somewhere nice, you know, on a date with a man, that's all, Cathy.
Mind you, you have gone through a few duds.
(MRS BROWN LAUGHS) Leave her alone, Winnie.
She's right though, Mammy.
I'm just one more bad relationship away from owning 50 cats.
See when they say cat food is new and tastier, who tastes it? Winnie, shut the buck up.
I got a really strange phone call from Rory today.
I said, "Hello?" He went (SHE MIMICS MUFFLED SPEECH) Cathy, you're being too hard on yourself, love.
You're still young enough and you're a fine thing.
It won't be long before my carer's pushing me to my dates! (MRS BROWN LAUGHS) Listen, I haven't had sex in 23 years.
But Daddy's dead 25 years! You had sex with a dead man? Excuse me, ladies, I don't mean to interrupt.
But I've been watching you from the bar, and I said to myself, "William, you just have to buy that beautiful lady a drink.
" That's really kind of you, but I'm in company here.
Sorry, dear, I wasn't speaking of you.
I was speaking of this lady here.
Mammy? Cathy, we left her there with him over an hour ago.
Where is she? I don't know.
We should have stayed.
I saw something like this on Criminal Minds.
Not now, Winnie, really! (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Here she is.
Don't let on that we were worried.
Just pretend we weren't even thinking about her.
Hello, you two! Oh, hi! Howya, Agnes? We're just sitting here not even thinking about you.
Why didn't you go home, Winnie? Well, I was going to but Cathy said to come over here and not even think about you.
For God's sake, Winnie! - Look, Mammy, I was worried, is that a crime? - Nope.
At least now you know how I felt throughout your teenage years.
So? If you're asking did he take me up a lane and scuttle me - no! Mammy! Did you get a feely of his yoyo? Winnie, for God's sake.
Cathy, the man was a perfect gentleman.
He asked me out on a date.
Well, I hope you said no.
- Why? - Well, he's obviously after something.
He wants you to hang out of his yoyo! Winnie, go home! Go on, Winnie.
Go home, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- OK.
- Goodnight, love.
Mammy, seriously, you can't just meet someone in a pub and agree to go on a date.
You did, back in your day.
Well, I'm single and, well, you're you are getting on.
I'm still an attractive woman, Cathy, with needs.
Even a ripe banana likes to be squeezed.
Even an old horse likes to jump.
- Even a rusty bicycle - Mammy! I know what men can be like.
Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place.
And don't I know it, Cathy.
This is not my first rodeo! So, you said no to the date? - Not exactly.
- What? I invited him around here for dinner.
Well, if I'm going to have a first date at my age, you know, I want it to be on my pitch.
He can bring the balls! "To the best granny in the world - love Bono on Mother's Day.
" - Howya, Agnes? - Hello, Winnie, love, cup of tea? Oh, yes, please.
Oh, I was telling Sharon about your date and she said she served yer man and he looked gorgeous! In fairness, Winnie, if Freddy Krueger walked into Foley's with a penis, Sharon would think he was gorgeous.
What's all this stuff? Just old stuff I was going through, see what I could throw out.
Ah, Agnes, the old gang! God, I wouldn't recognise any of them now.
Is he the fellow that used to talk like that, he'd go, "Pedub, pedub, pedub, dub, dah dah"? A huge tongue! Who was the fellow that used to walk like he was after doing a poo? He'd always walk in like that That was Jacko! I always thought Jacko was very elegant-like in that case.
Here, Agnes, you could have had your pick of any of those lads and you picked Redser.
Well, I didn't have me eye test till a year after that was taken.
Ah, look! Valentine cards.
Yes, we sent Valentines to each other for the first few years and then it just wore off.
"To Agnes from Redser.
" Aw, that's lovely! Yeah, he used to write little poems in them.
Here, listen to this one.
"My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife "Marrying you fucked up my life.
" That's the one I sent him that year.
Oh, right.
Oh! "I see your face when I'm dreaming "That's probably why I wake up screaming.
" And you can see as the years went on, the cards got smaller so did the poems.
Read that poem.
"Bitch.
" And that was my reply.
"That's nice!" So, who says romance is dead? I dunno, who? Winnie, it's not a buckin' quiz.
- I'm a romantic.
- Are you? I do lie in bed at night looking up at the stars and do you know what I do be thinking? "Where's my fuckin' ceiling?" Winnie, I read a survey in a magazine and it said the first thing men notice about women is their eyes.
And the first thing women notice about men is that they are a bunch of liars.
So, you are going on this date, then? I said yes, but let me think Yes! Cathy, is it killing you that I have a date and you can't get one? As a matter of fact, I have a blind date this weekend! Another blind date? God, you must nearly qualify for a guide dog at this stage.
Mammy, have you thought about sex? Not for a very long time! Well, what if HE has? I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.
I think you're biting off more than you can chew.
I'm not going to start with that, I'll kiss him first! Not funny, Mammy! Look, Cathy, the man is a complete gentleman.
He just wants company, that's all.
And maybe a feely of his yoyo.
Enough, Mrs McGoogan! Winnie, go on, feck off! I'll talk to you later.
I'm only thinking of you, Mammy.
Cathy, him and me are too old to be having sex.
For God's sake, at our age it would be like trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube! Mammy, I know YOU feel that way.
I don't think he's thinking that way.
Mammy, you're a fine looking woman.
Oh, I know! And he looks well able for a good rumble.
A good rumble! Hot dog, Father? No, thanks, Mrs Brown.
Now, so once we've read out a few prayers then I believe Mark is going to say a few words about his father.
- Mmm.
- Then I'm going to do a general blessing to the household.
Yeah.
Mrs Brown, you seem distracted? Is it Grandad? - Are you worried about his health? - No, no, if he dies, he buckin' dies.
Oh, right.
Where was I? Oh, yes! Once I've finished the blessing, you were going to write out some things about Redser for me to say.
- Here you go.
Thank you, Father.
(HE CHUCKLES) That's funny! (HE LAUGHS) Oh, dear, Mrs Brown, I can't say that stuff.
No, no.
It's all true! Mrs Brown, what I say must be benevolent or at least clean! Fine, I'll try again.
Right, I'll drop by during the week to pick it up.
- Bye, Dr Flynn.
- Bye, Father.
All good, Mrs Brown, I'm done here.
Dr Flynn, could I have a quick word? - Certainly, Mrs Brown.
- Thank you.
- What can I do for you? - Dr Flynn, I'm - I'm a widow.
- Yes? - And I have been for a long time - Yes? What do you think about having sex? Mrs Brown, I may have been giving off the wrong signal but I'm very fond of you, but there's no way I Not you, you feckin' eejit! I'm mixed up, not hard up! I have a date and I'm just worried that, you know, he might expect a bit Well, you have all the working parts.
Well, yes, I do.
Might need a spark.
However, lubrication could be a problem.
Sex, doctor, he's not servicing me car! The most important thing is, do you have the urge to want to have sex? Not really.
Well, then you'll have to concentrate on the foreplay.
Wha'? The vital ingredient is having the urge to have sex.
And that urge can be found and enhanced through foreplay.
A little tickle here, a gentle kiss there, a soft stroke .
.
a hot tongue on the back of your I have to go.
If this William fella does all that, he'll have to wake me up to do anything! - Dr Flynn was in a hurry.
- Yeah, medical emergency! Mammy, were you in my bedroom? Maybe.
- Why? - I was just going through some of your stuff to have a look to see if I could get any ideas on what to wear on the date.
In my underwear drawer? You will not be taking any of my stuff! Of course not! I was just looking for ideas, that's all! I'll get some of my own stuff, thank you.
In a smaller size.
Bless you.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Father, I might have cheated at bingo.
Ah, Mrs Brown? Is there anything I can help you with? Father, I am a widow.
Yes.
And that's single, right? Well, yes.
So if I was to have sex with a man, would it be? A miracle? Would it be a sin? Oh, I see.
Well, Mrs Brown, I find questions like that are difficult to pass judgment on.
For instance, what if I get urges? Oh, I see.
Well, you were in convent school, weren't you? Yes, Father.
The Blessed Sisters of the Moving Statues.
And do you remember what they taught you young ladies to do if you get these urges? - Not really, Father.
They teach you if you get these urges, you're to get on your knees and say a prayer.
Yes.
I never got past the "get on your knees" bit.
Look, Mrs Brown, the scripture tells us that the giving of oneself in the flesh is a good thing between a husband and a wife.
But outside the sacrament of marriage it's forbidden.
As is adultery.
(MRS BROWN SNORES) Mrs Brown? (THUDDING) Mrs Brown! All around the garden, like a teddy bear, One step, two step And tiddly under there.
You're so bold! You're an animal! Look at them! I don't know what Mammy thinks she's playing at.
Hey, Mammy has a date, so what? Speaking of dates, where's your blind date? I don't know, he was supposed to be here half an hour ago.
Buster Brady.
Mark Brown.
You, me, outside now! John Wayne, Rio Bravo.
Am I right? Ha! Hold it, Mark.
Don't get involved, Dermot.
I'm already involved, Mark, he's me best mate and you're wrong! Now, listen, Mr Foley! - Yes, lads? - I see you're not wearing the watch you bought from Buster? No, it's broken - useless piece of crap! So, how's life, Cathy? Well, I'm not getting as much lovin' as me mother.
Well, my internet date hasn't turned up.
A-one step, a-two step Right, well, I'm getting a drink.
Buster, I owe you an apology.
For what? An expensive watch went missing and I accused you of robbing it and selling it to Mr Foley.
I suppose it'll take a while for me past to be left behind.
- It's all right, it doesn't matter.
- Yes, it does.
- I'm sorry, all right? - Sure.
Buster, there you are! - Hello, Father.
- I just wanted to thank you.
I had it checked and it IS a real Rolex! OK, Father, keep your voice down! Incy, wincy spider - Oh.
Oh! - I wonder where this little fellow is off to? (MRS BROWN LAUGHS) Maybe he's going to give you a little surprise? Maybe he is! But if he's going where I think he's going, I might have a little surprise for him! What a wonderful evening this is turning out to be! Yes Mammy! Fuck's sake! What, Cathy? Can I get you something to drink? Excuse me a moment, William, I'm just going to powder my arse.
What is wrong with you? Mammy, I'm really worried this is moving too fast.
OK, if you're really worried, why don't you follow us home? You can hide in the cubby hole and if I need you I'll call you.
Great idea.
Wait a minute.
- What? - What if you want me to go? I don't want to stand there all night! Good idea.
Right, well, if something happens and I'm agreeable, I'll give you a signal and you'll just go.
- OK.
- OK! - What's the signal? Ah, sh It'll be, "Oh, uh-uh!" - Mammy! - I'm just kidding.
No, I'll go, "Cathy, feck off!" - Subtle! - My middle name.
Oh, and my safe word is, "Caw-caw! Caw-caw!" Come in.
Sit down anywhere.
Ah, that's a very inviting couch.
Caw, caw! Caw, caw! What about here? OK.
Come, Agnes, sit beside me.
Ah, there is nothing like the scent of a real woman! Now, where were we when we were interruped? Oh! Caw! Caw! - I'll just put the kettle on.
- Oh, I don't want tea.
I fuckin' do! Are you OK? Cathy, remind me again.
The knickers, the thong, the skinny bit - does it go to the front or the back? The back! Ah, feck it! I knew it! I have been flossing all the way from here to Foley's! Mammy, just tell him to go.
I will not! Look, you stand by in case I need you and I'll give the signal.
But I think this is going OK.
Agnes, come, darling.
Sit.
Oh! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Well, I know where we were.
I was going to SURPRISE you.
(SNAPPING) Jeez! Who the hell puts a mousetrap up one's dress? I do! You never know when your pussy's going to be asleep.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Winnie McGoogan, what are you doing here? You're a Hunt.
Winnie, that's a bit strong, it was just a grope! Billy, Billy Hunt.
I knew you were familiar! He used to hang around with the gang from the west, Agnes.
It is you! You're Billy Hunt, Redser's friend.
That's right, Agnes, I'm little Billy Hunt.
What do you think you are doing? You tried this before on me behind Redser's back.
I refused you then and I reject you now.
Oh, come on, Agnes.
Redser never deserved you.
You, the walking goddess! You, the raven haired vision of beauty! You, a princess among frogs.
How dare you! Winnie, let the man speak.
Go on - frogs.
Yes, you rejected me back then, when I was little more than a boy.
I was the laughing stock of our gang.
But then I went to England, I worked hard, I built and built my life and fortune day by day to become the largest supplier of 500 thread count bed sheets to the bed and breakfast industry.
South Coast region! Always thinking of you.
- She's a married woman! - Winnie, hold your horses! Building to this moment, when I could return to Finglas and claim my prize.
She's no prize! Will you shut the fuck up? What do you say, Agnes? Go! Leave the two of us alone.
Good girl, Agnes! Winnie, I'm fuckin' talking to you! Go, get on! Night, then.
Night, Billy.
Billy Liar! - Agnes.
- Don't speak! Cathy, feck off! So, you do feel the same? No, I don't.
Redser Brown was not a great husband to me but he was a good friend to you.
And friends don't do that to friends.
But I'm rich! I could make you happy.
I'm already happy.
I wasn't waiting on you or anybody else to come along and make me happy.
So here's the deal, little Billy Hunt, you take your money, put butter on it and shove it up the garden path.
Agnes? Oh! Just go.
I'll never let go! I saw that movie, it was Titanic.
And she said it just before she let go.
I know you're all there, listening.
And may God's blessing be upon this house and all the family within.
Give it up for the Father! I'm not finished.
Fair enough.
In the name of the Father and the Son, etc, etc, etc.
And now a few words from Mark.
I've always judged Daddy on what I saw through my very young eyes.
So I was a very angry boy when he died.
But I've learned lately not to judge people by what you see.
Is right.
Don't push your luck, Buster.
So wherever he is, I hope Daddy is at peace.
And now I'd like to read out some words that Mrs Brown asked me to read.
I'm just reading these, I didn't write them.
"Redser, you miserable fecker.
" - I'll take over from here, Father.
- Oh, thank God! Look, Redser Brown was no saint.
And I have been hard on his memory by saying things like, "He left me with nothing.
" Well, that's not quite true.
He left me some special things.
A fine eldest son who works day and night.
A son who just wants to make the world a better place.
Something every mother craves - a gay son.
A daughter who still has it, even if no-one wants to see it.
Well, not nobody! Move on! And Dermot At the end of the day Redser left me with the most important thing of all - family.
And for that, I thank him.
May he rot in hell.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Party! - You OK, Mammy? - I'm fine, love.
That was a nice memorial, wasn't it? You know, it's funny when the past comes back to visit.
I bet.
That's why I never got this Facebook thing, you know, somebody popping into your page and going, "Hello! "We haven't spoken for 30 years!" Well, there's a buckin' reason why! Are you coming back in? I'll be in in a minute, love.
You go on ahead.
The past, eh? The past doesn't matter and the future - who knows? It's the present that counts.
The present, do you know why it's called the present? Because it's a gift.
Enjoy the gift because tomorrow it'll be the past, and it won't matter.
I like my life.
I was that close to getting my hands on his yoyo! Goodnight! (APPLAUSE)