Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - Christmas Special: The Virgin Mammy

1 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs.
Brown's Boys! Now Grandad, when I give you the signal press the button.
Oh! Ah.
Oh such pain a woman goes through.
But no pain is too much to give birth to this special child.
Standby Grandad.
A child that will change the world.
A child who can.
Press it harder.
A child who can.
A child will need a buckin' crash helmet.
Mammy, what the hell are you doing? I'm trying to get this contraption ready for the virgin birth.
This nativity play has gone to your head.
Just have the baby appear in the crib.
That's what everybody else does.
I don't want to do what everyone else does.
I've watched these nativity plays over the years.
The one thing they always leave out is the actual birth.
So what? So what? We go through our lives being told how Jesus suffered for our sins.
Not one mention of how Mary suffered so that Jesus could suffer.
Well not in this nativity play.
You are mad.
I am a mother.
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.
We did.
This is a special week.
It's nativity play week.
The hall is booked.
I have my script finished.
I just have to have it passed by Fr.
He should be here by now.
There's tea there.
Don't you catch anything in that thing.
I'll get that Mammy.
That should be Fr.
Damien now.
I wasn't sure about him at first.
A bit wishy washy for my liking.
But I have to be honest.
I'm starting to take to him.
Hello Grandad.
Bless him.
Hello Mrs.
Hello Father.
Sit down Fr.
Tea? Yes please.
I'll get it Mammy.
Well, there you are.
The finished nativity script.
Men are bastards? It's just a working title.
Mammy, seriously.
It was a man who wouldn't give them a room.
And Herod was a man.
And Joseph was a man and he never booked a room in advance.
Your mother has a point but still, I think we'll cross it out.
What are you crossing out now? The shepherd saying, holy shit.
Is that a UFO? Well what would they think it was? Let's not do this now.
Why don't I take this home, go through it and we can talk about it later? We need to think about a director.
I'm the director.
Brown, you're in the play and you've written the play.
I suppose, yeah.
I think we should have a different eye on it.
I love the theatre.
I'll direct it Mammy.
You trust me, don't you? I suppose.
That's a great idea.
We'll direct it together.
I must be off.
I'll get back to you soon on this.
Do Father.
I want this nativity play to be special.
To have love and warmth.
To show just how important the birth of every baby is.
Get up! Right.
I have to go talk to the narrator.
What narrator? From the church committee.
Hilary! She's not muscling in on this.
She's very excited.
As you two have triplet grandchildren in common, I thought it would lend a family feel to the whole thing.
Family feel! I don't know what family you're talking about, unless it's the Adams Family.
I'll kill you, you bastard.
Ah-ah! Don't touch that Grandad.
I'm not sure if this increases the power or decreases it.
Ah-ah! I mean it.
Don't touch that trigger.
You could launch me, for God's sake.
Howya Cathy.
Is your mammy about, pet? In the sitting room, in labour.
What? Mammy, it's Winnie! BANG.
Where's Mammy? Mammy! ^ I told him not to touch that fuckin' trigger.
Thanks luv.
Oh! Are you hurt from the baby canon? No, it's just my wrist is weak.
I used to get that when Jacko was younger.
It's cramp.
It's called w Winnie! It's the Christmas episode.
MOUTHS (I'm sorry).
It's called rheumatism.
You should see Dr.
Flynn about that.
There's no point.
He'd just say take paracetamol and that's that.
What about a homeopath? Deano? No Mammy, a homeopathic remedy.
There's lots.
Copper bracelets for instance.
No, I tried that.
It didn't do anything for the pain.
It just turned my wrist green.
My wrist looked like the incredible hulk's dangler.
Well have you tried magnets? I'll try and pick you up a couple in town today.
I'd try anything, luv.
I'll see you later so.
Agnes, you see this nativity.
Johnny the box collector and Willie the sweeper from the market were asking if they could be in it.
You cant just go around giving out parts like that.
This is my play.
Tell them they can be shepherds.
But no more.
I mean it.
Would you consider Sharon for the virgin? Winnie, see them.
They're paracetamol not fin' morphine.
Mammy, Fr.
Damien asked me to go through some of the script.
Explain why he wants you to take stuff out.
Take it out? It took me ages to write that thing.
Well some of it's not on.
Like what? Nobody ever called Joseph Joey.
And he was never in a gang called the Nazareth Massive.
You're ripping my story to pieces.
Will you just trust me to go through it and take out what's absolutely necessary? I trust you to do anything, son.
Thanks Mammy.
There's just one more thing.
What? You can't use the baby canon.
But I'm after getting the feckin' thing.
I'll go along with the birth scene but you can't go launching the baby Jesus from a canon.
Look what they've done to my song, Lord.
"Young man required to work as mud flap.
Must be flexible and willing to travel".
Here comes trouble.
Hiya Ma.
Have you come to give me three wishes? I see you brought Ali Baba with you as well.
Don't be like that Mrs.
I might just have the answer to all your dreams.
Not unless you have Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and a small pony in that box.
Seriously Ma.
Cathy was saying magnets might help your rheumatism.
Show her Buster.
I already got magnets from Cathy.
Are they working? Not really.
Well take a look at this.
Jesus, it's huge.
Yeah, it has to be to fit around a horse's leg.
A horse? Yeah.
It's for a racehorse.
Just think Ma, if it works for a horse.
It'll work for a cow.
Or a sheep or a goat or a racing pigeon.
Or even you Mrs.
I'll leave with you.
On the usual 30 day money back deal.
What did you say? I mean Happy Christmas Mrs.
Don't even think about it.
That's what I thought you said.
One more thing.
I got that off a jockey friend of mind.
The only thing he wants in return is to be in the nativity play.
Okay, tell him he can be a shepherd.
He'll love that.
He used to work in a newsagents.
Jesus, I think I can feel a bit of relief from that already.
Cathy! Cathy! What the hell! Call Dermot, quick.
Go get him! Right.
Well? It needs a key and the vet is away for the New Year.
That's a week.
Will you manage for a week? I suppose I'll just have to cope with one hand behind my back.
It's not funny.
It is a bit.
Your ma looks like a Swiss Army knife.
Very good.
Dermot, what have you got me for the donkey? That's a zebra, not a donkey.
She has a point, luv.
How do you know it wasn't a zebra in the bible? He has a point, luv.
Because it says in the bible, a donkey.
Anyway, zebras live in Southern Africa.
Well maybe this zebra is lost.
It's the best I could do.
I might be able to get a camel.
No, no.
Zebra is fine.
For God's same.
A zebra is not fine.
If it comes to a choice between a donkey in pyjamas and a donkey with a hump, I'll take the pyjamas.
As they say, donkey is in the eye of the beholder.
So what have you got for the stable animals, a polar bear! Were you looking in my bag? Ma.
Yes luv.
You have me in here as one of the kings.
No son.
I have you in as the main king.
The main king.
What am I in it Agnes? Mary Magdalene.
That's great.
Is she in the nativity? I thought she wasn't in the story for years.
Just in case Winnie, stay well in the background.
Well, well.
It's all stations go in here.
Yes it is Father.
Trevor, you're the innkeeper.
Go try on your stuff.
What about me Mrs.
Brown? What Father? What am I in the play? Oh, I had you down as the narrator.
But you gave that part away, didn't you.
To Hilary.
Maria luv.
Is your mother coming over for a fitting? No Mrs.
She said she has her own costume organised.
Has she? God knows what that'll feckin' be.
Who is? Hilary.
She's out there like feckin' Cleopatra.
You never have an asp when you need one.
It was over 2,000 years ago and the world was in a awful state altogether.
I didn't write this.
In the small village of Nazareth, lived a young virgin.
Hey! Her name was Mary.
She lived a simple life until one night a wondrous, magical thing happened.
An angel of the Lord appeared to her.
Oh shit.
I'm on fire! Oh wondrous being, who are you and what do you want? I'm burning.
What do you buckin' want? I am the angel Michael and I come with a message from above.
You are with child and it is a very special child.
But this cannot be for I am a virgin.
Hey! You will bear this child.
A child of the Holy Spirit.
Really, I'm burning.
How can this be for I am.
Look Mrs.
Just have the kid and move on.
It's in the script.
Curtain! Buster, be more professional.
Mammy! Let's just move on.
Get to Bethlehem.
Where the fuck is Bethlehem? Get the fuck back here.
And it came to pass that some time later a census was called and a pregnant Mary and her husband Joseph had to go to the town of Bethlehem to register.
Where's the donkey? Winnie, fuck off.
Where's the feckin' donkey? Mammy, Deano's not here yet.
Can we wait? No, the show must go on.
It was a busy time.
It was difficult to find.
Mammy, who'll play the front half? Grandad.
Put that on.
They went up the mountains and down the mountains.
And still they could find nowhere to stay and then they came across an inn.
(FART) Oh Grandad! Oh my God! Oh look, it's an inn.
Shall we try here? Who is it dear? It is a man, a pregnant woman and a half a donkey zebra.
Ah for Christ's sake.
I've had enough.
My husband is just gone to park the donkey.
Do you have a double room? The bridal? No, we're going bareback.
CATHY: This is a mess.
Fuckin' curtains.
One little fart.
Mammy, stop! Just move things along.
Get the angel ready.
I don't want to do this any more.
There was no room at the inn but there was a stable at the back, so Mary and Joseph went there to spend the night.
In the meantime in a field close by, some shepherds are tending their flock.
Baa! When they are approached by three kings.
We are three kings.
Get ready for the angel.
^ (BANG) We're following an angel.
Oh look, there he is now.
Glorious angel, fly on and we shall follow.
Angel! Fly on and we shall follow.
Curtain! Curtain! The shepherds then asked the kings if they too could come to see this baby that was the Son of God.
The kings said, sure pal.
No bother.
Come on, it's the big birth scene.
Everybody get ready.
Maria, I thought you said the triplets were too sick to be here.
They are.
So what are we doing for the baby Jesus? Betty? I don't know.
Your mother said she had it sorted.
I'll go try and find a baby.
In the stable behind the inn, with Mary surrounded by animals, the baby was about to be born.
Oh Lord, your son is about to be born.
He's coming.
He has arrived.
Jesus Christ.
What a wonderful name.
We shall call him that.
Curtain! Mammy.
What the hell are you doing.
Grandad! I had to improvise.
The show must go on.
Everybody get ready for the visit of the kings.
What? This is your last chance.
If anything else gets weird I am taking over.
We will do it my way.
Don't be ridiculous.
Grandad, get into that crib.
Hilary, take it.
For God's sake.
Soon the angel stopped and hovered over the stable.
And the three kings arrived.
We were led here by the glorious angel.
Sorry Ma.
We were led here by the glorious angel.
Ah, this is cutting the nuts off me.
We were guided by this angel who hovers above the stable.
Ah shit.
To see the child Christ, He who will unite all men and bring peace on this earth.
Really? Uhuh.
Well here he is.
But first I must breastfeed him.
ALL: Curtain! Curtain! Mammy.
What? Have you gone mad? It's perfectly natural.
That's it Mammy.
You're off the set.
Excuse me.
This is my show.
No Mammy.
It's the family's show.
Sharon, get out there and talk to them.
And be nice.
Let's do it the way we planned.
Planned? Betty.
Get Bono and his friends ready.
And Betty, you're the Virgin Mary.
No, I'm the Virgin Mary.
Mammy, out.
Okay everybody, places.
Shut up! We hope you enjoyed the warm-up.
Now for your pleasure.
Hey! Where are you going? Sit! Sit! The Nativity according to The Brown Family and friends.
A spaceman came travelling on a ship from afar.
'Twas light years of time since his mission did start.
And over a village he halted his craft and it hung in the sky like a star.
Just like a star.
Well, it's.
The stranger spoke and he said do not fear.
I come from a planet a long way form here.
And I bring a message for mankind to hear.
And suddenly the sweetest music filled the air.
It went la-la-la-la la-la-la.
La-la-la-la la-la-la.
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la.
Peace and good will to all men and love for the child.
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la.
I'm so sorry.
Peace and good will to all men.
And love for the child.
Oh Betty, you were brilliant as the Virgin Mary.
Did you do it from memory? You must have a marvellous memory, it being so long ago.
Get lost you two.
Mammy, put the kettle on! I don't think she's in there Cathy.
Actually I haven't seen her since we got back.
She has to be in there.
Mammy! Mammy.
And on that night which seemed like a very ordinary night, a very extraordinary thing was happening.
A young woman giving birth to a child.
A child that would change this world forever.
And she would cherish Him all of His short life.
She would worry for Him, care for Him and follow His every footstep through this troubled world.
And He would perform miracles, preach to the elders of the church, let the blind see and the lame walk.
And all of the time, she would simply worry.
Has he changed his underwear today.
I would've been a great Mary.